2 minute read
Wonderful World of Gayness
Michael Hootman
HOW TO SURVIVE A LOCKDOWN
Meditation.
What could be more enjoyable and relaxing than sitting in a chair whilst focusing on your breath entering and leaving your body? Apart from pornography, absolutely nothing! The great thing about meditation is its simplicity. Just sit on a chair. Breathe in. Hold your breath for as long as possible. Breathe out. I’m pretty sure that’s what you do. Anyway, there’s bound to be some beardy-weirdie on Youtube who’ll show you what to do if you get stuck. Read a book. For younger readers a ‘book’ is really just a PDF you can hold in your hand. There are basically two types: those that people actually want to read (they’re usually set in Regency times and focus on an innocent but somehow saucy maidservant who is seduced by the lord of the manor and then – twist! – she turns out to be his abandoned daughter). Then there’s the rest which are basically boring but somehow good for you. Books can be borrowed from book lending emporiums (‘libraries’) or shops which sell them (‘bookshops’). Unfortunately these are all closed at the moment so I suppose you’d better download them as PDFs.
Sex.
If, like me, you’re unaccountably single you will still have your gentlemanly needs to attend to. Channeling the spirit of Make Do and Mend from the First World War (or possibly WW2. Maybe even the Suez Crisis) I’ve constructed my own self-pleasuring device from easily attainable household materials. It basically comprises a system of 27 pulleys, 35 levers and the top bit of an orange squeezer. It also comes with an emergency button which instantly disengages the ‘crushinator’ part of the mechanism whilst also calling for an ambulance.
Help someone.
Few activities are more rewarding than actually helping a fellow human being. There’s a charming older gentleman who lives near me in a lovely three-bedroom flat on the seafront. Sadly, he has no family and is all alone in the world and so I have taken it upon myself to do his shopping and even put some plates and a dirty mug in the dishwasher. But I don’t confine myself to mere practical tasks as I believe that social interaction is perhaps even more important. With this in mind I try to talk to him practically every day. I often choose scintillating topics such as how to make a Will, avoiding death duties and local solicitors whose fees aren’t taking the actual piss. I hope that this column has been of some service to Gscene’s readers. And, if I’ve not been hospitalised for genital yankage, I'll see you all next month!
