66 GSCENE
WONDERFUL
WORLD OF GAYNESS
LAURIE’S ALLOTMENT
BY MICHAEL HOOTMAN
BY LAURIE LAVENDER
HOW TO SURVIVE A LOCKDOWN
THE PLOT THICKENS
) As someone whose business card says ‘Guru of Mindfulness’ (and, until a recent police warning, ‘General Practitioner’) I feel uniquely placed to offer words of wisdom in these troubling times. I trust the following activity ideas will help our readers get through this current crisis.
) I have been a gardener for over 50 years and have worked professionally around the southern counties of England as well as France and Bulgaria (briefly). My new challenge is to write a column that is both informative and hopefully amusing.
Meditation. What could be more enjoyable and relaxing than sitting in a chair whilst focussing on your breath entering and leaving your body? Apart from pornography, absolutely nothing! The great thing about meditation is its simplicity. Just sit on a chair. Breathe in. Hold your breath for as long as possible. Breathe out. I’m pretty sure that’s what you do. Anyway, there’s bound to be some beardy-weirdie on Youtube who’ll show you what to do if you get stuck. Read a book. For younger readers a ‘book’ is really just a PDF you can hold in your hand. There are basically two types: those that people actually want to read (they’re usually set in Regency times and focus on an innocent but somehow saucy maidservant who is seduced by the lord of the manor and then – twist! – she turns out to be his abandoned daughter). Then there’s the rest which are basically boring but somehow good for you. Books can be borrowed from book lending emporiums (‘libraries’) or shops which sell them (‘bookshops’). Unfortunately these are all closed at the moment so I suppose you’d better download them as PDFs.
For the last three years I’ve been cultivating an allotment in Hove and have had many successes and a few failures, some lovely fruit and some gorgeous dahlias. At the moment, after a prolonged wet spell, the ground in many areas is still quite water-logged so at the time of writing I’ve been preparing soil by digging in my own compost and some green manure which I planted last autumn and had grown to about 6”/15cm. I cut it with a Dutch hoe (called Sven), cut it up with the same hoe and turned it in with a spade. This adds nitrates to the soil the same way farmyard manure would. It’s a lot easier because you plant it where you need it and there is no lugging around of heavy ‘stuff’.
So far I’ve planted early spuds in pots (this is an experiment as my ground spuds last year seemed to develop some little wormy pests) and some peas. If you have a cold-frame you can start off salad vegetables from seed, also sunflower seeds and sweetcorn. Outside I’ll start off root veg like beetroot, parsnip and carrots, also more beans and chard. Brassica (sprouts, cabbage, cauliflowers, kale etc) – I tend to buy these as bare-rooted online from a company based in Cornwall. Sex. If, like me, you’re unaccountably single you will still have your gentlemanly needs to attend to. Channeling the spirit of Make Do and Mend from the First World War (or possibly WW2. Maybe even the Suez Crisis) I’ve constructed my own self-pleasuring device from easily attainable household materials. It basically comprises a system of 27 pulleys, 35 levers and the top bit of an orange squeezer. It also comes with an emergency button which instantly disengages the ‘crushinator’ part of the mechanism whilst also calling for an ambulance. Help someone. Few activities are more rewarding than actually helping a fellow human being. There’s a charming older gentleman who lives near me in a lovely three-bedroom flat on the seafront. Sadly, he has no family and is all alone in the world and so I have taken it upon myself to do his shopping and even put some plates and a dirty mug in the dishwasher. But I don’t confine myself to mere practical tasks as I believe that social interaction is perhaps even more important. With this in mind I try to talk to him practically every day. I often choose scintillating topics such as how to make a Will, avoiding death duties and local solicitors whose fees aren’t taking the actual piss. I hope that this column has been of some service to Gscene’s readers. And, if I’ve not been hospitalised for genital yankage, I'll see you all next month!
I realise that a lot of you will either have small gardens, a balcony or even just a window box so a full range of vegetables isn’t a viable project. If you’re lucky enough to have a sun-kissed balcony then tomatoes, peppers, radishes and strawberries could prosper. Also salad leaves (pick as required) and a variety of herbs, mustard cress and spring onions are possible. You can use growbags, pots, round and/or oblong. If your pots have no holes in their bottoms then you must make them yourself with a suitable but safe sharp instrument (take care!). Gravel, small stones (not from the beach as this is illegal) or broken crockery (keep in with your favourite Greek restaurant, mine is in Preston Street) will provide drainage to the balcony below. Happy growing and I’ll update you on my success, failures, fruits and dahlias and some helpful tips (if you want asparagus it’ll take five years!).
