Homely Homily

BY GLENN STEVENS

Play safe, folks

The first time I ever went for a sexual health screening (I had a rash downstairs) was back in my late teens. I was mortified that it should happen to me, but needs must.

Back then I think they made the experience as horrific as possible to make sure you never had sex with anyone ever again.

This was in Norwich, the sexual health clinic was tucked behind the main hospital in a tiny portacabin. My mortification continued when sitting opposite was another lad I knew from the scene with the nickname, 50p; so called because it was said he would do anything for 50p.

“I think in that moment in time I had promised myself to sign up to the nearest monastery straight after, but I think with my libido I would have wreaked havoc with the monks!”

For some reason I felt a bit smug that his clinic number was quite low, compared to my newly acquired high number. Thinking about it now, he had been proactive from an earlier age in getting a health screening, but still I had given him a withering look, lost on the irony that we had both caught something nasty.

When it was my turn to go in to the consultant’s room, I was told to drop my trousers and pants, hop on to the table as they needed to determine what infection I had picked up in my night of fun.

I watched on in horror as they heated up a piece of twisted wire with a loop on the end on a bunsen burner. No, I’m not talking about a past life experience in the dark ages, this really was the early 1980s.

The instrument, which is now a disposable piece of plastic, was heated up to sterilise it. Like I said, I’m convinced the whole theatricals of the place were to put young men off sex for life. I think in that moment in time I had promised myself to sign up to the nearest monastery straight after, but I think with my libido I would have wreaked havoc with the monks!

After the wire was heated it was cooled in water and then shoved down my penis. At that point I think I vowed to become a hermit. I forget what the diagnosis was, but I was packed off with some medicine and was pleased to be out of the place.

The thing here to remember is STIs happen. Having a regular sexual health screening should not be an embarrassing experience and there have certainly been huge improvements in the facilities and the way health screenings are provided; there is now a vending machine where you can pick up a STI/HIV test kit at Jubilee Library.

Knowing your sexual health status will help you ensure you are not passing any sexual diseases on to others and with the case of HIV, if you are positive you can get on to effective treatment that keeps you healthy and makes it impossible to pass the virus on. This is of particular importance as collectively we can help with the government’s aim to eradicate HIV in the UK by 2030.

So grab your condoms and lube and play safe.