Scene 43 Gscene 59
TWISTED GILDED GHETTO
TRAVELLERS’ TALES
Up for grabs
Back in the swim
) So here we are again, full circle, another turn around that huge burning orb of helium, the star we call the Sun, 365 days (and a teeny geeky bit) have passed as we whirl on this muddy rock through the endless vast darkness of space, a quivering quantum of life on this speck of temporary matter and our minds automatically turn to the future. What shall we be? What changes shall I make? What do we wanna look like? How will we get there? Can I bring my Mother? It’s all about the personal pledges this month when we, like the old knights of the Middle Ages, take our chivalrous vows of self-betterment, although they would do it clutching a roast peacock, You, Dear Reader, will have to make do with a veggie burger. But vow you shall. I will be this, I shall be that. I will stop doing that and start this, every day, in every way I am getting better and better. Oh where will it all stop! Diet and vice, gym and groceries, clothing, hair and faces – all are thrust into our furious forensic furnaces of change.
) Swimming is one of the best forms of cardiovascular exercise available to us. Of course, I would say that, given that I’ve been swimming most days for the past few years, but there is no denying the fact that it is one of the only exercises that utilises all muscle groups while constantly stimulating the heart rate. At least that’s what I’ve been told.
BY ERIC PAGE
BY ROGER WHEELER
“Much to my surprise I have managed to get very fit by just swimming for about half an hour every day. It takes your mind off the small everyday problems which aren’t actually problems at all and I sleep the sleep of the innocent, so it’s obviously working” In reality no one really needs a gym, although here in Brighton there are about 28 health and fitness centres. Of course, gyms have been popular for thousands of years, the ancient Greeks loved them, but in today’s world do we really need to spend money on something that we can do for nothing, if you are lucky enough to live close to that big swimming pool we call the sea? That’s a bit extreme, so I use some of the many public and private pools that we have. There are several large public pools but they do get busy, most of the big seafront hotels have them and for usually a very small amount of money you can splash around as often as you like. There is now only one major gym with a pool – it’s in the Marina, is very nice but indoors.
Many years ago I stopped many things, luckily not breathing, and one by one my vices fell away, leaving plenty of room for more vices, contemporary ones, novel ones and vices I’d never dreamed I’d have, but this, Dear Reader, is not the point, let’s focus on the loss. My friend, the GuRu, told me that loss was a mindset and that we should think ourselves into a ‘space of abundance’, with the things we give up making space for opportunities, new ideas, new us’s. I may raise an eyebrow, to prove that there’s no botox in my brow, I go along with the mind frame of abundance. The ancient Babylonians invented New Year’s resolutions, but also invented pinecone handbags and fish-headed gods with dreads, so we can take them with a pinch of salt. During their Akitu festival they’d clear debts, cut hair and shave eyebrows, plant seeds, crown a new king and return any borrowed items, and yes that’s a dig at you Charlene to give me back my fondue set... The Babylonians, like us, chose a time of the year to make new change, and kept themselves in line with a fearful torment from the gods if they failed in their promises. Julius Caesar gifted us January 1, with his all-new 12-month calendar and Janus, the two-headed animistic spirit of doorways (we all know one, drinking and eating at the same time, hoovering up all the cock, the charming, icy blooded bitches), would lurk looking backwards and into the future. A god of beginnings, gates, transitions – we nod to them still. Our festive exchange of gifts is a Christianised theft of the gifts and good wishes swapped at the Janus feasts by them ancient Romans and like them we choose this time of year to try on a new, improved version of ourselves. Sober, buff, thin, single, educated, bouffant, tattooed, harpist or yodelling, it’s all up for grabs with the New You, or it should be poppet.
In the days of the lovely Virgin Active in Falmer, now sadly closed, I discovered the joys of swimming outdoors even in the rain and snow. It did become something of a habit, but when it comes to habits this is one of the most harmless and positively beneficial. There are plans, there are always plans, to build an Olympic-size outdoor pool on the beach in Brighton, if it happens it will be great, but living in this town I am used to plans which never actually happen. I hope to be wrong this time. As well as being a great form of cardiovascular exercise, swimming just 30 minutes a week can help to guard against heart disease, stroke and type 2 diabetes. We are never going to end up looking like Tom Daley, but in the Rio Olympics there were 41 gay competitors and 11 were male. Remember Mark Foster who swam in five Olympic games, is now 51, still swimming and looking good?
MARK FOSTER
How do we keep our promises to ourselves? With treat and threat, with dogged determination and hard-worked passion, with bribes and incremental monitoring of achievements, by bathing in the public affirmation of our pampered conceits over social media, or with a secret smugness of having accomplished a self-made goal. I prefer the arrogance, surreptitious and self-indulgent way, the ultimate vanity, too selfish even to share my triumphs with you, Dear Reader, for I do not need your approval. Nor seek your declarations of endorsement. And if you need mine then it’s time to be exquisite and never explain.
Much to my surprise I have managed to get very fit by just swimming for about half an hour every day. It takes your mind off the small everyday problems which aren’t actually problems at all and I sleep the sleep of the innocent, so it’s obviously working.
I discovered this hobby by chance after a particular life-changing experience, it helped incredibly and I met some great people, so if you want to really enjoy making yourself look young and beautiful again, this is the way to go. I know that you will be pleasantly surprised.
