RAE’S REFLECTIONS

By Rachel Badham

What’s the big deal about coming out?

For a lot of LGBTQ+ people, coming out, particularly to loved ones, is one of the most nerve-wracking things they will ever experience in their lifetime.

I don’t think anyone would dispute that possibly the worst response to openly expressing yourself to another is outright rejection and abuse, but a response which seems to be becoming increasingly common is questioning why we go through the process of coming out in the first place - after all, why can’t we just be people and not label ourselves?

Rachel Badham

I’ve been seeing comments like this a fair amount on social media, often in response to a celebrity or public figure coming out, and they’re almost becoming more frequent than comments which are downright derogatory.

The majority of these likely aren’t intended to be malicious whatsoever, but they do stem from the idea, or misconception in my opinion, that it is inherently bad to attach labels to people and that doing so is constricting and unprogressive.

This argument isn’t entirely illogical, as certain labels or ways in which labels are used (or rather forced on to someone) can be limiting, but in our society, nearly everyone is automatically labelled as straight and cisgender from birth.

Coming out has been a necessity for so many LGBTQ+ people to feel liberated from constriction, with scientists suggesting in a 2013 study* that coming out may actually reduce symptoms of stress and anxiety in some people, and concluded coming out should not be debated, but should be considered as a “matter of public health to facilitate self-acceptance and dispel stigma”.

LGBTQ+ visibility has been propelled by more members of our community coming out, and we continue to see this now. An increasing number of public figures are openly discussing their sexuality and/or gender identity, which I still believe is as important as ever.

One instance of this which has stood out to me in 2021 so far was singer and dancer JoJo Siwa coming out as pansexual and revealing that she has a girlfriend.

I had never been a follower of JoJo’s career as her target demographic is predominately young children, but I know if I was seven rather than 22 I would absolutely adore her music and probably want all of her merch.

After coming out, she delivered a message to her fans at the GLAAD Media Awards, saying: “You can be in love with whoever you want to be in love with, and it should be celebrated.”

“LGBTQ+ people are constantly pigeon-holed by our society and while for some people, labels can be incredibly empowering, denying someone their label of choice, or rather decision not to label themselves, is just as demeaning”

To have heard this when I was a child from someone like JoJo, who has a strong connection with younger audiences, would have been life-altering, and I most certainly would have spent much less time contemplating the validity of my identity in my teenage years.

Coming out is significant on both a personal level and in terms of its broader implications for all of us, LGBTQ+ or not; visibility is a testament to our community’s refusal to be silenced.

However, it is vital to distinguish between someone coming out of their own accord and someone being outed against their will. Arguably one of the biggest coming out moments of 2020 was when beauty influencer Nikkie de Jager came out as trans to her 13 million+ subscribers, sparking joy among many of her LGBTQ+ fans. However, while she eventually decided to come out of her own accord, she made that decision after blackmailers threatened to out her first.

As a long-time follower of Nikkie, I highly commend her decision to take back her autonomy and come out on her own terms, but it is saddening that any LGBTQ+ person should ever experience the threat or process of being outed.

Coming out is so deeply personal, and having the choice of if and when to come out being taken away can have devastating consequences, as seen after Tyler Clementi’s suicide.

On the other side of the coin, a lot of LGBTQ+ people would rather not come out loudly and prefer not to label their identity, instead just living as they want to without necessarily declaring it in a way that fits the typical coming out narrative.

And of course, while some are criticised for making a ‘big deal’ about their coming out, others are attacked for not doing so, or not assigning a label to themselves.

Some people contend with the increasing use of umbrella terms such as ‘queer’ or the notion of people not assigning a specific label to themselves. As someone who loves to refer to themselves as queer, I find this just as problematic as criticising someone for coming out loudly and sharing their labels.

LGBTQ+ people are constantly pigeon-holed by our society and while for some people, labels can be incredibly empowering, denying someone their label of choice, or rather decision not to label themselves, is just as demeaning.

I think it’s most important to bear in mind that someone’s way of coming out and describing their identity is theirs, and theirs alone.

All LGBTQ+ people deserve to have the coming out story which they want, and coming out as loudly or as quietly as you want is perfectly okay. The only thing which isn’t okay is belittling someone for their decision.

*Study demonstrates health benefits of coming out of the closet – University of Montreal, Psychosomatic Medicine, 2013