Chloe DUn-fur-tanate Times

after time traveling, and blushing bright pink. Robert tossed a pair of pants that he had thrown over the couch at him, turning away politely. “Ahem, as I was saying, I’ve come to save the world from the most vicious creatures of all--” “Humans,” Robert finished sagely, already entertaining the idea of making a fiction book where he faced off with his evil future self to save all of humanity.

“Cats,”

NRBMWLLH corrected with a visceral shudder. At Robert’s look of confusion, he shook his head. “Look, I don’t have much time. We don’t have much time. I can only stay in this timestamp for thirty minutes before I’m going to be recalled back to my time, and they’re already preparing to launch their first massive attack. Come on,” he said urgently, slipping on Robert’s sandals by the door and stepping outside. Robert followed in his slippers, confused. Robert had never owned a cat, never been interested in having any pets, really. It just wasn’t his jam. Nobody was outside at 3:30 AM, fortunately, but Robert was still decidedly uncomfortable as he followed his future self. “Attack? What exactly happened?” he asked with a frown, not entirely believing this whole spiel but also believing that yes, this man had defied the laws of physics to randomly appear naked in his living room in a Twilight Zone-esque show. NRBMWLLH glanced at him, and Robert found himself enraptured by his face. It wasn’t his fault that his future self had apparently shaped Robert into the ideal gay man of his dreams. Which was strange, but Robert wasn’t complaining. It wasn’t like he looked at his face often, after all, so in a way, it was like meeting a new person’s face. He was also just creating excuses for being attracted to a version of himself. “They struck in the dead of night when only Waffle House and gas stations were awake. They emerged from the sewers like a wave of rats but in packs like dogs, brutally tearing apart anything they came across. Their claws could pierce metal, their intelligence could solve quadratics, and they seemed to know everything. We tried to fight back, but then they became resistant to our catnip laden weapons and it was all over.” Robert raised an eyebrow. That did seem rather terrible, but pretty outlandish, even for Robert, who had a rather popular account on Info Wars. Before he could say anything, however, NRBMWLLH suddenly held up a fist. Robert froze, nervousness suddenly pouring ice in his veins as his future self ’s demeanor instantly changed from nerd to hardened soldier. “There,” NRBMWLLH whispered, pointing a finger at the dark figure of a cat rushing across the street. “It’s no use sneaking up. They have better senses. It probably already knows we’re here. Follow me, but let me do the talking. Whatever you do, keep in mind that they’re highly dangerous beings that can kill you before you even blink.” They approached slowly. The cat had sat down under an orange streetlight, idly grooming itself but looking at them warily. It was a fluffy cat with bright green eyes, and Robert fought the urge to try and call it over to pet.

NRBMWLLH crouched his entire posture tense before speaking. “Cat, I know that you view humankind as irredeemable. I know that all humans haven’t been good to cats, but we can work together to rid the world of evil people. You don’t have to kill us all, we can help you. Call off your attack.” There was a long moment of silence as they stared at each other, and Robert shuffled awkwardly in his slippers. Then the moment was too long and Robert cleared his throat. “Are you--” “Hush, Robert. They’re a hive mind. This one is communicating right now,” NRBMWLLH cut him off quickly. “We’ll get our answer soon.” Robert frowned, stepping towards the cat. “And you’re sure it can understand us? I mean,” he knelt, holding out a hand. “Here, kitty kitty,” he cooed cheerfully because he couldn’t resist the fluff.

“NO!”

NRBMWLLH shouted. “They hate being degraded the most!” But it was too late. The cat let out an angry yowl, claws suddenly elongating into the length of curved swords, and it lunged at Robert who screamed, falling backward. It was only thanks to NRBMWLLH’s quick reaction that saved Robert from losing an eye as his future self grabbed him and yanked him away. The piercing agony of claws scratching his front, splitting the surprised Pikachu’s face right down the middle, tearing his shirt apart. Robert scrambled to his feet, running with NRBMWLLH as hedragged his younger self along. “It’s too late! We have to go--” NRBMWLLH was saying but was cut off as they skidded to a stop. Robert could only stare in horror as the manhole cover in the street in front of them began to rattle ominously. He glanced behind him. The cat wasn’t running after them, instead padding languidly towards them. NRBMWLLH patted his shoulder sympathetically. “Sorry, Rob. I tried.” And then his future self was gone in a shatter of light and Robert was alone in the dark street as the manhole cover shot skyward as if a geyser had erupted under it. Cats began to stream from the dark void of the sewers, their calls sending chills down his spine. An explosion wracked the ground and Robert turned just in time to watch the largest building in the city go up in flames. A cat leaped at his face before he could react, and the last thing he saw was a blur of green eyes and black fur.