Focus on the Family

Q: Every time I turn around, there’s another example in the news or on social media about people fighting over issues of race, politics, religion, moral beliefs, etc. I’m beginning to lose hope that there can ever be peace in our land. What are your thoughts?

Jim: It’s clear that America is deeply divided, on many fronts. But a lot of that conflict is driven by an idea that’s fundamentally untrue: the perception that disagreeing with someone means you disrespect them as a person—or even hate them. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Beliefs can be polarizing. But differing perspectives don’t have to cause us to lose our sense of dignity for one another. That means we can vigorously defend what we believe, but we can do it with civility and respect.

The key is grasping and applying a core value that’s guided our nation for over two centuries: a person’s value is the result of qualities beyond what we see at first glance. This is why my Christian faith emphasizes the profound worth of every human being. People don’t deserve dignity because they’re the right height, shape, color, political

with Jim Daly

LEARNING TO BE CIVIL IN A DISAGREEABLE SOCIETY

persuasion or any other label. All human beings have immeasurable worth simply because it’s endowed them by their Creator.

Our conversations about societal issues have to start— and continue—in that context. And it works. Some of the people I consider to be my friends are activists who fight for ideas that directly oppose my deeply held beliefs. We disagree over almost every political and social issue. But we’ve still been able to build genuine friendships, because we show one another respect even though we hold radically differing opinions. None of us believes our opposing views have to turn into animosity or hatred toward one another. That civility allows us to find common ground.

WHAT CONSTITUES ACCEPTABLE AND UNACCEPTABLE FILMS

Q: Our 14-year-old daughter was invited to an overnight video marathon at a friend’s house. The plan was to binge-watch a series of horror films that we wouldn’t ordinarily view in our household. We chose to not let our daughter attend. But when I spoke with the friend’s mom, her reply was “Whatever—it’s only a movie.” Do you think we were too restrictive?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: I’ll admit I’m not a fan of the horror film genre or its recent spin-off commonly called torture porn. Because of that, it would be easy for me to quickly answer your question with a “you did the right thing—case closed.” But the question is best answered in a bigger context of what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable films. I like to boil down the “in-bounds vs. out-of-bounds” dilemma to a few

simple questions to always ask (and train your daughter to always ask).

The first is this: Will watching this film (or watching this TV show, listening to this song, playing this video game) make me a better person? Will it encourage me to be more honest, compassionate, generous and noble? Will it challenge me to care about others more, make a greater difference in this world, and better respond to life’s trials?

If the answer to the above questions is yes, there’s still another factor to consider. Even if the film is inspiring, encouraging and uplifting overall, does it contain some content that would be counterproductive to my overall mental/ spiritual health?

I say all this because it’s arguable that a few “horror” movies might fit the bill. But again, the place to start is not just films of this type, but to put all movies—no matter the genre—to the tests above. PluggedIn.com provides detailed content reviews to help you with this process.

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TRUE INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE IS WORTH THE SACRIFICES

Q: I’m getting married in June. My fiancée and I want to have a great lifelong relationship, so we’re asking various people for advice and input. What’s your perspective?

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Jim: Every couple wants a loving marriage that’ll endure for the long haul. So it’s worth asking, “Why do so few relationships seem to actually experience that kind of genuine intimacy?”

I think part of the answer lies in what we expect from relationships. The primary reason we’re attracted to people is because of the way they make us feel. Now, I want as much as anyone to experience good feelings in my marriage. But superficial emotions like that aren’t enough of a foundation to sustain a relationship or to create deep, fulfilling intimacy. That’s because as soon as the good feelings disappear, so does the person’s commitment to the relationship. It’s why people abandon friendships. And it’s why people give up on marriages.

True love is something quite different. Love is patient and understanding. And, yes, love can be hard. It sacrifices for someone else and chooses to stay with them in spite of their faults. Instead of running away, love faces challenges head on, so it can break through to something richer and more meaningful. As one person put it, love is “seeing the darkness in another person, yet resisting the impulse to jump ship.”

Very few things in life are as enriching as true intimacy in marriage. The path to authentic, soul-fulfilling intimacy in a relationship isn’t always strewn with rose petals; sometimes there are a few thorns along the way. But it’s definitely worth the work.

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DON’T FORGET TO HAVE FUN WITH YOUR KIDS

Q: Our family schedule is pretty crazy, and it seems like we’re all just getting busier. We’re trying to make changes, but meanwhile I’m concerned about staying connected with our children in what little “free time” we have. What do you suggest?

Jim: Parenting can certainly be challenging, and it’s easy to let the serious business fill every hollow. But sometimes you just have to know when to be playful.

I’ll share a personal example. I came home from work one day just as my boys came dragging into the house from the backyard. Troy was limping and Trent had a black and blue mark emerging on his chin. “What happened?” I asked. Troy said, “Don’t jump on the trampoline with Mom. She landed on my ankle.” Then Trent said, “Her knee cracked me right in the jaw.” Obviously, that playtime didn’t go so well, but believe it or not, it did have a positive outcome. First, it was a moment we all still laugh about. But more importantly, Jean’s playfulness drew the boys closer to her. The bum ankle and sore jaw are long forgotten, but my boys will always remember their mom taking time out of her busy schedule to play with them. with Jim Daly

That’s a great reminder for every parent. The pressures of adult life can make us a little too serious sometimes. Be playful. Play board games, wrestle on the floor, throw the ball around. Find something your children like to do and join them. It’ll deepen your relationship with them, and they’ll see you as more than a disciplinarian or someone who cooks dinner and does the laundry. They’ll see you as someone who really enjoys spending time with them whenever you can. And to a child, that equals feeling loved.

HOW TO HANDLE A TODLER TANTRUM

Q: I’m a first-time parent, and my son is just getting to the “toddler tantrum” stage. I’m a bit overwhelmed— how do I handle these episodes?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: That may depend on the reason for the tantrum. Is your child hungry or tired? If so, offering a snack or a nap may be all it takes to nip a tantrum in the bud.

However, if your child is frustrated over not getting his way, the best thing to do is ignore the outburst. The last thing you want to do is give in or drop everything in an effort to appease your little one. This will teach him that negative behavior pays off.

Once your child does calm down, explain that screaming won’t work and that you need him to use words.

If the tantrum continues, however, you may need to use a time-out. Place your toddler somewhere without toys or entertainment, and wait for him to quiet down before allowing him to rejoin the family.

It can also be helpful to identify those triggers that set your child off. If, for instance, your toddler tends to throw a fit when it’s time to leave a fun setting, prepare him in advance. A five-minute warning can go a long way toward heading off a tantrum.

Finally, remember that toddler temper tantrums are perfectly normal. And, if they’re handled correctly, your child will soon learn healthier ways to express emotions. For more ideas about raising young children, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.

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