Eating With Eddie

by Michelle Acquah.

‘Sushi, please.’

Naturally, it didn’t come out in the way Eddie had rehearsed a thousand times in his head. His voice was unsteady and a little pitchy. After a slight pause, he went on anyway, with the full knowledge that the idea of a strong response had failed.

‘The finest, most tratiodinal sushi you can find.’

This attempt at revival only went poorly, of course. This time there was a crack. His larynx had decided to forget how to pronounce ‘traditional’ correctly. He tried to hide his fear of the inevitable by speaking like what he imagined Gatsby would sound like. Even though things never went well for Eddie, he was still gravely disappointed each time. His brain had never learnt to be used to failure. You see, it didn’t matter for poor Eddie that he might not enjoy eating raw fish. He wanted what he thought would be an ‘expensive experience’. Only Eddie knew what that phrase even meant. That should be enough to tell you about his definition of fancy: something he’d never had.

At this point you may have realised that in order for Eddie to cope with being a non-achiever, he had to have a problem with self-pity. No one else ever cared enough to show a sliver of compassion. His mother was exhibit A. From the moment of his birth, his mother truly and honestly loathed him. Her revulsion was raw and unfiltered. He would carefully observe her behaviour to determine the extent to which he should avoid her on different days. Eddie adored Fridays, like everyone else, but for different reasons. Mother was worn out from the week’s work on Fridays, so he would only get the usual ‘You do not deserve life’, as well as being allowed to eat the stale and mouldy bread roll at the back of the fridge for dinner instead of rat faeces. If she was feeling particularly energetic on a given Friday, she would brutalise him with a slipper instead of a wooden cane or her fists. TGIF was his motto through and through.

Throughout his schooling years, he was also treated poorly by women. Being called names, insulting comments about his intelligence, appearance, hygiene and behaviour. He found it difficult to socialise. It was all Mother’s fault. The resentment grew in his heart. Unfortunately, before he was strong enough to confront the devil he lived with, Mother died suddenly. An embolism behind the wheel on the highway. Eddie felt an unexplainable anger. He screamed and cried and shouted that night until his throat was hoarse and he was worn out. ‘How could she get away scot-free? Oh, how unfair is the world! After all my suffering and pain and hurt that has marked my life forever, I never even had a chance at vengeance! All my efforts to muster up the courage have been for naught!’

However, five years ago, things started to improve. He had made a friend (finally!). Adelaide was a senior. She was quiet but sweet. A very good listener. He told her all about Mother. He had met her when he secured his first job, as a carer, in a home for old people. He eventually got to spend time with her alone in his humble home. It all seemed to be going so well. That was until she turned sour and stiff. She started to turn cold. Eddie didn’t like the way she had become so rotten, so he ended their friendship. This cycle repeated with Beatrice, Constance, Dorcas, Ethel, Faith, Gertrude, Henrietta, Iona, Jemima, and about 16 more. He couldn’t understand what he was doing wrong. He never gave up trying to make friends. He liked having someone who listened.

Anyways, back to the sushi. I may have told a little half-lie about why the sushi did not matter. The true reason was that poor Eddie wouldn’t know in a few minutes whether it was worth it or not, anyway. There was zero point, to the extent that it was laughable he had even been offered the choice of a meal. It seemed to him like a serious standard of respect for someone as badly behaved as he.

Eddie, you see, had suffocated twenty six women in their sleep over the course of five years. He would stalk their families to find out where they were being buried, go to their grave sites when everyone had left, dig them out and take them back home with him. He would make them dinner to eat at the table, bathe them, and tuck them in bed. This would go on until the scent of their rotting flesh was unbearable. Then he’d return their bodies to the earth. The sushi was what he wanted as a last meal. Eddie, the old lady-killer, was on death row.