The Ghost of Generational Past

TW: The following article contains mentions of war, mental health, and eating disorders which may be triggering to some.

We live in a world where two groups of people exist. One group which takes privilege for granted and the other where people must fight for a fair chance in life. Over the past couple of years, we have seen people rise up against injustices and fight for what is right. We saw people in millions march for BLM when George Floyd and Breonna Taylor were tragically murdered by the police. We saw people rally against Israeli Apartheid during the 2021 war in Gaza. Those heroic acts have given marginalised groups a voice, one that is strong enough for people in power to consider. We were able to stick up to aggressors and fight for our basic human rights to be given to us. However, as marginalised and oppressed groups stand up against their assailants one cannot help but feel as though there is a lack of accountability and discussion over the ways things are dealt with within those groups. How do I, as a second-generation Palestinian refugee and many other ethnic minorities hold our elders to account and stand up to them over the ways they have and continue to handle atrocious events that have happened to them? How does one deal with the trauma passed on to them in a healthy way that is still respectful to the suffering our elders have gone through?

Growing up I was taught that as a man, I must be tough, must fight to prove my ‘manliness’ and show no emotion in public as that would make me ‘feminine’. I was also taught that as a Muslim, I could just pray all my mental health issues away and that those who go to therapy are crazy and belong in a mental asylum facility. Furthermore, I was taught that it was a normal thing to stare at women and that locker room talk was a normal thing and in fact was encouraged. However, I never understood how being a devout Muslim, which I am, would mean that all my problems would go away, I also never understood how someone could claim to be a devout Muslim when they look at women in a disrespectful manner. Especially since Islam bans such behaviour. I never understood how me not being connected to my emotions and being a troublemaker would make me more of a man and how me being respectful to others and not getting into fights would make me weak.

Due to me having such firm beliefs, I found myself to be the subject of bullying from everyone I know. My family and school mates would call me gay all the time for not acting manly nor staring at women, having a lighter voice and not getting into fights. This bullying eventually led me to have some serious mental health issues as well as develop several eating disorders and body dysmorphia, all of which brought me lots of self-inflicted shame, which I projected onto others by distancing myself and becoming less open, confident and fragile. My story is unfortunately similar to many in my societies, think of women growing up with strict fathers who have been raised that a woman’s place is with her husband. So, I have always found myself wondering, why is it that my society is the way it is, what caused it to become so close-minded to change and how do I handle the issues inflicted upon me because of it?

It’s no secret my society in general went through a tough patch, from oppression by the ottomans, to occupation by Britain and then by Israel, we’ve lost a lot of loved ones, been expelled and separated from land and family. It feels as though sometimes my elders are more than justified to believe in things the way they do, at least for some cases. When hearing stories about how my grandpa had to fight and my grandma had to take care of her kids, I can understand how culturally men need to be tough and women more caring. Those are how things were when times were rough, and I feel like there is a sense in my society that times are always tough. Hence never being open to change. However, for things like treating women as a second class and dealing with mental health, I still find myself at a loss for why people think the way they do. That often transcends into the way I deal with things, which is almost always staying quiet about my struggles and retreating to the comforts of my self-company because I find myself only trusting myself. Such ways are of course unhealthy, and I am aware of that, but due to how I was brought up, I still cannot find a way to bring myself to deal with these things in a healthy way and I believe others too share the same struggle.