Dear
Divorce,
THANK YOU (even though I HATE you) Sincerely,
n w o r g
my parents’ ^kid
A journey of hate, healing and understanding
Lauren Alicia
Dear Divorce, Thank YOU (even though I HATE you)
Lauren Alicia
Dear
Divorce,
THANK YOU (even though I HATE you) Sincerely,
n w o r g
my parents’ ^kid
A journey of hate, healing and understanding
DEAR DIVORCE THANK YOU (even though I HATE you) SINCERELY, MY PARENTS’ GROWN KID: a journey of hate, healing and understanding.
Copyright © 2014 by Lauren Alicia. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or manner whatsoever (photocopying, electronic, recording, mechanical, or otherwise), without permission in writing from its author, Lauren Alicia, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated. Questions or Comments: DearDivorceThankYou.Book@gmail.com Definitions “divorce” on p. 41, “confront,” “cope,” “learn,” “decide” and “apply” located in the beginning of chapters/segments are taken from Oxford Dictionaries (www.oxforddictionaries.com). © 2014 Oxford University Press. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication is available upon request. ISBN 978-1-63315-294-6 Printed in the United States of America.
To my future kids may you NEVER need this. . .
(which means you probably won’t see this)
Author's Note Although written from a 20-something year old perspective with parents that divorced after 21 years (and a few months) of marriage, over 8 years ago…anyone in (parent or kid, meaning teen or grown like me), surrounded by or around divorce/separation may read it, be able to relate, help and heal through delving into my understanding and experiences, helping to realize your own. When someone CONTINUOUSLY said, “just because my parents’ marriage didn’t work, it doesn’t mean mine (speaking of the future) won’t,” I thought… I DON’T think that, I never did but their comment stuck with me, so I decided to dissect it! I may be grown but I am still their kid, and I watched my normal quickly fade away by my parents’ decisions. “My experience. My journey.” -Lauren Alicia
Contents
Introduction 3
1
The Chosen Process: What’s Going Wrong? 15
2
Acceptance: Learning to Really Deal 41
3 4
Moving Forward: Now What? 67
Growth: Did you learn something? 93
the question we all hate to be asked. . .
Conclusion I wanna fight. . .The Good Fight 115
Introduction
I KNEW ONE DAY I would tell someone about an area of my
life, uncut, all truth, no sparing anyone’s feelings, an area where many have formed an opinion based on lies but I would take the courage, accept the risks, and expose how I feel and most importantly, the journey of how I healed and continue to do so.
I’ll introduce you to young Lauren Alicia, a time and place
where this (my parents’ marriage and road to divorce) was fresh, only a discussion and acts, which would eventually lead to consequences. Then flip it, and introduce you to present me, presently moving forward.
3
Let’s be honest, writing post letters about pain and drama from
when you were kid and now you’re grown is …well, it sucks!! Having to reopen to heal to reflect, open up and share. As I write this introduction, it makes me wish I was writing fiction allowing your imagination to roam, wondering and questioning just WHO and WHAT the heck am I talking about but people have made divorce seem so common that I can’t, I simply can’t!
Welcome to my story: a mixture of sad, mad, bitter, angry,
objective, subjective, healed of some and still healing of the rest.
When my parents’ divorce was part of my present, a random
someone encouraged me to write a book on how to handle divorce. I thought to myself…WHY??? What do I have to offer? Months before the talk was real, I actually wanted it to be over because I couldn’t take it. So how do I qualify for giving advice on handling divorce? I was 16 with my own voice, and not against my father moving on. Knowing I would not have to live the scripted child of divorce life (joint custody, weekend visits, etc… all the fun stuff). Well, the answer is simple. I lived through it before I wanted it, I have emotions, and I refuse to allow my present and future to be directed by the past, and actions, which aren’t mine.
4
DEAR DIVORCE, THANK YOU
Letter one DISCLAIMER: The purpose of the first letter is to be honest with yourself about how you felt when you noticed your parents’ relationship/marriage start to change. Talk about how you reacted, and their reaction to your actions. The letters before each segment, well, mine‌will not contain my more mature thoughts and rationalization of the situation, as will the letters placed after the segments (maybe?). I address my first letter to Love and when I noticed its presence becoming absent, how I tried to change it, and what my parents thought of my efforts. My letter is really about how I feared my normal leaving, and I thought love or the lack of love was the cause.
Dear
DEAR DIVORCE, THANK YOU
LETTER ONE
One Confront: verb [ trans. ]
face up to and deal with (a problem or difficult situation)
Cope: verb [ intrans. ]
(of a person) deal effectively with something difficult
The Chosen Process: What's Going Wrong?
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Reviews //
“[Dear Divorce, Thank You…] is super therapeutic. This is a much needed manual, and reference for many dealing with the family shattering aspects of family separation… I believe it is a realistic instrument to help gain the most needed, & sacred clarity to move on and live FORWARD. IDECLAIR IT.”-India DeClair of IDECLAIR MEDIA, THE IDECLAIR SHOW RebeccaChapman.com
“I wish I had your book when I was a child…”-Janét Aizenstros of Janét Aizenstros Omni Media Inc.
Interviews Articles //
+ Chelsea Krost’s Blog - I Hate You Divorce! + Kokoa Magazine - Thank You Divorce, I Mean That Sincerely + Your Bella Life - Fuel Without Hindrance: Freeing Your Mind From Clouded Judgment + Dear Divorce Thank You Book Blog - Everybody Gets Divorced, Right? + GYC Girl YOU Crazy - I’m not ready to commit… | I’m Ready To Commit! + GirlTalk HQ - Does My Parents’ Divorce Make Me Damaged Goods?
*Hyperlinked Page
About the Author LAUREN ALICIA (Michigan native) graduated with a degree in Business from Parsons the New School for Design. Since becoming a business/ design enthusiast, blogger and collaborator, allowing her experiences to evolve into the reality she always imagined. Visit the author online at www.DearDivorceThankYou.com & www.GYC-GirlYOUCrazy.com.
Dear
Divorce,THANK YOU
is a book you experience, not necessarily a “how-to guide” (if that makes sense) . . .
Self - Help
Lauren Alicia journeys through being a child of divorce now grown in a series of segments and personal letters designed to confront, cope, learn, decide and apply. Dear Divorce, Thank You is an intimate conversation about what it feels and looks like to no longer be permitted to live the normal we always knew, and positively moving forward from our experiences. Alicia confesses moments when her present paid for past hurts of her parents’ divorce, making this book for our sanity and the purpose of moving forward to a better place (you know, so our kids don’t write a book about us . . . ).
“I may be grown but I am still their kid . . .” Although written from a 20-something year old perspective, with parents that divorced after 21 years (and a few months) of marriage over 8 years ago…anyone in (parent or kid, meaning teen or grown like me), surrounded by or around divorce/separation may read it, be able to relate, help and heal through delving into my understanding and experiences, helping to realize your own. -Lauren Alicia, from the Author’s Note
Confront Cope Learn Decide Apply The power of our story could be the key to someone’s healing.
DearDivorceThankYou.com Cover & interior design by Lauren Alicia