Crying shame

Everybody hurts, sometimes

Are you happy to shed a tear when the situation arises, or are you more likely to opt for a silent sob behind a locked door so no one has to witness your sadness? Happiful ponders why so many of us are ready to press mute on the much-needed outward expression of so-called ‘negative emotions’, and how we can get comfortable with the need to cry

Writing | Lucy Donoughue

Heading into a supermarket recently, I saw a little girl crying loudly as her mum tried desperately to console her.

About 10 minutes later, I passed them again; the tears had stopped and the little one was sitting in a trolley seat, playing happily with a toy giraffe. Whatever had been devastating minutes before had been acknowledged, expressed, and moved past.

The little girl’s tears stayed with me for days. I’d witnessed two ends of the emotional spectrum in quick succession, and I couldn’t help but reflect upon the power of a good sob, letting frustration, sadness, anger – emotion – out in the most natural and primal way.

As an adult, stopping still in the street and bawling, as much as I’ve often needed to, would probably cause most strangers to cross the road, or at least take some time to assess the risk of approaching a wailing woman they didn’t know. In my mind, there’s most definitely a socially acceptable time and a place for me to cry, and it tends to be behind closed doors, whether those are at home, the office loo, or in the car.

I know I’m not alone. A friend of mine perfected the art of blinking her tears out over a bathroom sink at work so her eyes wouldn’t look red, and then no one would know she’d been distressed by festering office politics. I’ve witnessed people walk out of rooms rather than allow their true difficult feelings to spill out, and I’ve heard so many unnecessary apologies for getting misty-eyed over the years. Letting go and having a good sob seems to be the exception rather than the rule for many of us, and tear avoidance can be a compelling alternative when crying shame rears its ugly head,

Childhood tears So when do we start to mute our emotions, particularly the need to cry? When does holding back tears become the thing to do, unless we have a societally valid (and supposedly time-capped) reason like loss, death, and injury? And why does crying get such a bad rap anyway? >>>

Anyone who’s ever watched The Great Pottery Throw Down, or attended a wedding, will know that crying can also signal deep appreciation.

The answer to the tearful question could lie in social conditioning that many of us experience from the moment we learn to speak. All too often ‘ssh’ or ‘don’t cry’ is the first response from a parent or guardian when we shed noisy, pained tears. Whether well-meaning or not, this suggests to us that crying isn’t a desirable behaviour in daily life. It draws attention, and makes other people feel uncomfortable, or even angry and frustrated.

Psychotherapist Sharon Rooke expands upon this notion in her brilliant Counselling Directory article, The Trouble with Emotions. “Many of us have grown up in homes where expressing our feelings wasn’t only discouraged; it was actively squashed,” she writes. “We quickly learned to keep our feelings, our wants, and our needs under wraps. Having a bad day, feeling upset, or feeling angry could be faced with ‘What have you got to be upset about?’ or the classic ‘If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.’

“These harsh words, or condemning looks, became translated into rules – rules for us; rules about us,” Sharon continues. So strong feelings get buried, denied, disconnected. “We don’t learn how to lean into them. We don’t learn how to process them. We don’t learn how to use them. We don’t learn how to get the most from them. But the great news is that we can! It is never too late.”

Time to tear up and speak up? Re-writing the script when it comes to expressing how we feel, and fighting associated shame around sadness and crying, can only bring about positive benefits. First of all though, we have to let go of the notion that there’s a natural state of equilibrium that we should be seeking to achieve at all times when it comes to the way we feel. We need to respect the role that sadness can play in our emotional landscape, as psychotherapist Fe Robinson explains.

“Emotions naturally come and go all the time,” she says. “We’re not always happy; through a normal day there will be a wide range of feelings that pass through us. When we notice what we feel, and check out what’s happening that’s prompted it, this can help a feeling release and evaporate.

“That might sound easy, but actually it can be hard to do. Daring to look at powerful feelings can be tough. You might fear that if you start crying you will never stop, or that anger might consume you,” Fe acknowledges, noting that working with a mental health professional can be a way to safely start this process.

“The most helpful balance is when feelings are allowed to be there, but they don’t get acted out, and decisions are not made when we are in the intensity of them,” she continues. “Results are not often instant, but when you fully recognise what is happening inside, it somehow changes the way you feel and react.”

Think through those feelings As adults, we have considerably more agency than we did when we were children. In general, we’re able to think rationally and expansively about the way we feel, can try to remove ourselves from detrimental situations, and know that all emotions are temporary, however tough they feel at the time.

Fe encourages people to challenge themselves, and explore beyond the immediate moment of pain to gain some longer-term relief, and find more security in expressing the emotion they may be uncomfortable with.

“A good question to ask when in the throes of a strong emotion is ‘Is this reasonable?’” Fe says. “If it is, you might comfort yourself with the knowledge that like all things, it will pass. That may not take away the pain you feel right now, but it just might make it more bearable. Talking it through can be a helpful way to help it move on.”

Sharon is a registered psychotherapist and supervisor, specialising in psychological trauma.

Fe is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, EMDR therapist, and couples counsellor.

Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find out more about getting in touch with your emotions