11 minute read
Voice of a Generation
by Happiful
Rising to fame in 2014 as a global sensation empowering people to love their bodies, Meghan Trainor isn’t just a new judge on The Voice UK, but has a strong voice of her own, and she isn’t afraid to use it.
Speaking out now about the crippling panic attacks and anxiety that overwhelmed her following two operations on her vocal cords, Meghan is shining an authentic and endearing light on how mental illness can affect anyone, no matter their situation...
It’s a weekday afternoon in December, in the corner of a lowlit bar at London’s Langham Hotel, and against a background hubbub of festive celebrations, Meghan Trainor is pouring hot water on to a bag of herbal tea, while revealing that her new husband might just be the world’s most perfect man. “I am way too lucky. I got the best guy in the world and more,” she says, an ear-to-ear grin spreading across her face.
“I didn’t know men could be so emotionally intelligent, and know how you’re feeling at all times.” Today, actor Daryl Sabara, known best for his role in the Spy Kids film series, has come up trumps. He’s accompanied Massachusetts-born singer Meghan on a three-day trip to London from Los Angeles to promote her new album, Treat Myself, and The Voice UK, her new TV gig alongside fellow mentors Olly Murs, will.i.am, and Sir Tom Jones. While he’s not here during our chat, he’s arranged for Throat Coat tea bags to be delivered to our table. It’s sweet, thoughtful and, from the look of Meghan, who is huddled up in an oversized coat, exactly what she needs.
“I’m so tired, my body’s kind of crashing because of jet lag and exhaustion,” she confirms, leaning forward to inhale the fragrant steam from the tea, a blend favoured by singers for vocal TLC. “He knows I need to drink this.”
I offer that being so cared for, especially in the midst of a relentless work schedule – today Meghan’s completed a photoshoot, another interview, is dashing to Radio 1 after we wrap before finishing the day in the Happiful studio – must make her feel safe.
“I feel safe, protected, and loved super hard,” says Meghan of the man she wed in December 2018, on her 25th birthday, one year after he proposed. The couple met in July 2016 on a blind date set up by their mutual friend, actress Chloë Grace Moretz, and are, Meghan insists, “soulmates”. Is there a secret to the strength of their bond?
“There is something that Daryl and I do that I’ve never done with other people, and that’s complete 100% honesty – talking to each other, communication – and that transparency is everything. We really care about each other as humans,” says Meghan, who has previously revealed she “never really felt sexy with guys before” meeting Daryl, who is “obsessed” with “every inch” of her body. And every day her new husband persuades her to feel her best.
“He makes me go to the mirror and say, ‘My name’s Meghan Trainor and I’m beautiful, and I deserve to be loved’,” says Meghan, stifling a giggle. “He’ll catch me when I’m running out the door and be like ‘Hey! Look in the mirror!’ But it helps because I’m like: ‘That’s right, I’m awesome! Let’s go!’”
From the moment Meghan burst into public consciousness five years ago with ‘All About That Bass’, encouraging women to shake their butts and feel good while doing it, she became a global poster girl for body confidence and acceptance. The track shot to number one in 58 countries, and challenged stereotypes by celebrating men and women with fuller figures. Since then, she has left nothing of herself in the wings with her soulbaring lyrics, which commonly promote healthy self-confidence in her fans. So it’s intriguing to discover, from this mirror mantra story, that her self-esteem is still a work in progress.
“That’s who I want to be,” she says. “I write my songs very much to myself. I hope I’m helping strangers too, but they’re to remind myself to take care of myself, to love myself, and to be kind to myself. Sometimes I’m feeling really hot, sometimes – once a month – I’m not. When I play those songs, I’m like ‘For these three minutes, I am a queen’, and I’m loving myself and it’s awesome.”
The songs she references are from Treat Myself, which dropped in January 2020, almost four years after the release of her last album, and it’s some of her best work – raw and honest, yet still trademark Trainor fun. During the three-year writing process she “adopted two dogs, got married [and] had time for myself”, the latter being shorthand for a deeply personal journey of recovery after a second emergency vocal cord operation in December 2016, 10 months after she won a Grammy for Best New Artist, left her so anxious about the future of her music career she sought therapy.
“I thought, ‘It’s over, I’m not going to sing ever again,’” explains Meghan. “I went full dive into the dark zone of deep thoughts.”
Shortly before the second procedure – 17 months after the first – she endured her first anxiety attack, backstage at America’s CBS This Morning show before appearing live to announce the 2017 Grammy nominations.
“I was so tired and had vocal issues. I looked at my schedule and thought, ‘I’m not going to make it, I’m going to lose my voice.’ I started hyperventilating, crying hard, and shaking. I kept saying: ‘What’s happening?’ It rocked me,” she recalls.
A friend in Meghan’s dressing room, familiar with panic attacks, encouraged her to focus on surrounding objects and name them one-by-one. “It calmed me down,” she recalls. “When it finally settled after 20 minutes, I was like ‘So that’s what it is?’”
Initially, Meghan struggled to deal with her reality. Even researching “anxiety attack” on the internet had the power to trigger an episode. “One night I looked up ‘explain what an anxiety attack is’ on TED Talks, and within four seconds I fell over and was like, ‘Oh God, shut it off!’ I couldn’t hear about it for a long time.”
Meghan became a prisoner of her own thoughts, a problem worsened by weeks of enforced silence – firstly to heal her haemorrhaging vocal cords to avoid permanent damage and proceed with surgery, then for weeks during recovery. The isolation was crippling.
“Imagine not being able to speak, or hum, or cough, or laugh – it numbs you,” explains Meghan. “You can’t get excited, you can’t get mad, and you can’t tell your favourite person in the world that you love them. [During] arguments or if I was frustrated, I’d just shake. A lot of time spent in your own head is such a terrible place to be.”
Between operations one and two Meghan employed a therapist to help calm her “stress”. She also sought the help of a hypnotherapist to cure her of repeatedly picking the skin on her fingers. “I’ll pick them, then get really insecure if I have to do red carpet and have a bloody finger. It’s still an issue I’m working on,” she explains.
It wasn’t until Carson Daly, host of America’s The Voice, spoke publicly about his lifelong battle with generalised anxiety disorder that Meghan was able to articulate her own mental health experience. “He explained physically what [anxiety] does to you, and I was like ‘That’s exactly it.’ I’ve never heard anyone explain it so well.”
After finally opening up to Daryl and her family, Meghan retreated from the spotlight and overhauled her lifestyle. She began transcendental meditation, which Daryl does every day “religiously”, and noticed a “huge difference” by eating more healthily and upping her weekly quota of exercise.
“My brain is happier,” she smiles, adding that less frequent use of Instagram, which she says triggered problems when she compared herself to others, is helping too. She satisfies her phone “addiction” by watching YouTube videos, and using new video sharing app TikTok – her “saviour”. “Rather than only show how awesome your life is, TikTok is [about] ‘look how goofy I am’. I don’t have to have the perfect pose and the best makeup, this is how I am.”
Choosing not to speak to herself negatively is another feel-good trick up Meghan’s sleeve. “I got this from my mother; she says all the time: ‘I look horrible and I’m so frumpy today’ and I’m like, ‘Ma! Shh! You’re training your brain to hate yourself.’ That’s what I grew up listening to, so I did that too. The more you say [negative comments] the more your brain believes it. Your brain is a sponge.” And so what’s her inner dialogue like now?
“I look at pictures of myself and think ‘Isn’t she cute?’ Or I’ll give myself compliments out loud and it totally works, I’m starting to believe it. I’ve found beauty in my body.” Prescription medication, she admits, is also helping. Meghan, who initially tried beta blockers to calm pre-performance palpitations, now takes citalopram – a type of antidepressant sometimes used to treat panic attacks.
“I need it. It saved my life in so many ways,” she says, though she does plan to come off it eventually. “It’s the lowest milligrammes. It’s probably placebo at this point, but [my doctor] says ‘if you’re happy, I wouldn’t mess with it, especially if you’re about to go into a lot of work.’”
Right now Meghan’s schedule is hectic, but there are no complaints. Hard work is ingrained in Meghan, who started out as a songwriter signed to a country music label, not believing she had the ‘pop star look’ to make it as an artist. She resigned herself to writing music for others, but within two years penned ‘All About That Bass’ and laid down her vocals, which caught the attention of producer LA Reid, who instructed his team to “just sign her”. She’s evidently still grateful for that break. There’s also a renewed appreciation for her career since surgery threatened to derail it.
“I show up to things and I’m like ‘Thank you for letting me be here,’” says Meghan, who boasts 10.5 million followers on Instagram alone, yet endearingly, struggles to comprehend the magnitude of her stardom.
“Doing The Voice, I was like, ‘What if they don’t know me and my music?’ I told Olly Murs and he said ‘I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way, but you’ll be surprised, everyone will know who you are.’ He was so good to me.”
Becoming a mentor on ITV’s music talent show was a “bucketlist moment” for Meghan, who says the format – not being about “what you look like, what you’ve been through and who you are” but “the pure talent” – attracted her. She instantly felt part of the “family” and describes Olly as her “new best friend”, presenter Emma Willis like someone she has “known my whole life”, and will.i.am as childlike as she is. “He’ll be tapping a beat on his table and I’ll start writing a song with it, then we’ll be like ‘That’s a smash!’” says Meghan. “It’s fun moments like that where you don’t feel like you’re at work.”
Meghan hasn’t had a panic attack for “probably more than a year”. Does she feel more resilient since finding light after darkness? “I feel like I conquered it,” she says. “It sucks in the moment when it’s happening, you think ‘this will never end and I’ll live with this for the rest of my life’, but you don’t have to. You ask for help, and I can say I’m so much better. I know what triggers me now. If I don’t get sleep, and my body’s exhausted, it confuses my brain with panic. I can listen to my body more now.”
Meghan no longer has counselling, but is intent on finding an industry mentor, someone who’s “been through” what she has, to guide and advise. Someone like? “Kelly Clarkson,” replies Meghan.
“Every time I see her she’s the nicest human I’ve ever met. I’m like ‘Ah man, I want to be a Kelly Clarkson!’” As for other plans for the future, motherhood is calling. Loudly. During a recent shopping trip, the elevator doors opened to reveal a floor-to-ceiling display of baby products. It sparked a surge of broodiness in Meghan. “I always say my ovaries are crying because they just want babies. My body is so ready for it. I’m not trying, but I’m learning new tips from my mum every day. I go on YouTube and I’ve been studying like I’m going to school. It’s so weird!”
Family means everything to Meghan. Every song on her new album features appearances from the Trainor clan and Daryl, who pulled out all the stops for the couple’s first wedding anniversary before Christmas, a celebration at their home in Los Angeles – Meghan’s “happy place”. A
s my time with Meghan draws to a close, I question whether she’s finally found love for the person she’s struggled to value most over the years – herself. Meghan smiles. “I’m very proud of myself and, yes, I love myself,” she says. “I feel accepted for who I am. That’s why I love doing TV, because I don’t have to go up there and act, to pretend I’m someone else.”
With a speciality in never taking her talent for granted, Meghan Trainor should buckle up. She’s destined for the long-haul.
