My favorite prank is telling people my name is Judy when really it is Judge Judy
ft knee. foot, left foot, le t gh ri , ot fo t gh Ri y favorite dance Anyways that’s m
masthead
Whatever, 2019
BOARD OF EDITORS
VOL. CXLII No. 6
Liana A. Spiro ‘19, President Hillman J. Hollister ‘19, Ibis Brian W. Mott ‘19-¿?, Narthex David P. Frankle ‘18-‘19, Treasurer S. W. Roberts ‘19 P. E. de Sa e Silva ‘19 D. K. Wexner ‘19 N. A. Araya ‘20 S. Wu ‘20 A. Chen ‘20 I. M. Gibney ‘20 M. R. Perusse ‘20 L. G. Fadiman ‘21
C. de Losada López de Romaña ‘21 L. R. Kiam ‘21 A. M. Peikin ‘20 M. A. Gay ‘20 E. H. Sevilla ‘20 J. L. Gilbert ‘21 M. A. Konopacki, ‘21 E. N. Orr ‘21 Scribes to the Accessibility Council P. K. Stoller, ‘21 John T. Ball ‘20 Lydia D. Lavrova ‘19-‘20 Y. Ji ‘21 B. A. Mella ‘19 M. J. Sciamanna ‘19 J. Lim ‘20 Z. D. Goddard ‘20 O. Jain ‘20 F. S. Shanel ‘21
Kalia D. Firester ‘19, Blot Nicholas S. Grundlingh ‘20, Sanctum Jack G. Stovitz ‘20, Sanctum Myles G. Marshall ‘19, Hautbois Mike M. Miller ‘20, Hautbois Juan F. Arenas R. ‘19-‘20, Arenas Michael. J. Kassabian ‘19, Sackbut Tucker. A. Flodman ‘19, Librarian Haskell B. Flender ‘19, Nave
BUSINESS BOARD Announcing the Harvard Lampoon’s
Benjamin Cohen ‘19, Business Manager Brendan J. Falk ‘20, Business Manager Theodore Ninh ‘19-‘20, Circulation Haskell
STAFF MEMBER of theMONTH
T. D. Keene ‘18-’21 I. A. Jasper ‘19 S. H. Henson ‘20 L. F. Hoffman ‘19 J. K. Kelley ‘19 M. ‘20 MONTH’S CURIOUSEczacibasi WHAT LAST D. J. Lynch ‘20 STAFF MEMBER of the MONTH N. G. Jaeger ‘21 HAS BEEN UP TO?‘21 P. T. Magahis Conan C. O’Brian great B. L. made Weber ‘21
This is Patrick Magahis, or “Pat” as we here at the Lampoon like to call him when we’re busting his balls. Why is Patrick the Staff Member of the Month? It’d be easier to list the reasons why isn’t he Staff Member of the use of his month in the spotlight Month. In all seriousness, Patrick got by hosting his talk show, tricked into drinking 10 bottles of glue ISSUE EDITOR CONAN, on TBS. Great job but he didn’t press any charges. Here’s ElmerConan, W. Green, Liana A. Spiro we’re so1897–1977, Grande Curator to you Patrick! Expect a delivery of proud you! Carol, Annitas to isyour hospital soon. the academic year by The Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Principal office 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. Subscription: $20 for five issues. Overseas subscriptions: call for The Harvardbagels Lampoon published five room times during rates. Postmaster: send address changes Harvard Lampoon, 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. © 2018 Harvard Lampoon, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in any form without written permission is prohibited. Office This to one’s on us. Phone: (617) 495-7801. Call any time, day or night. URL: www.harvardlampoon.com or www.ifc.com/comedy-crib/harvard-lampoon. The Harvard Lampoon cannot consider unsolicited manuscripts. The Lampoon is a registered JGS LAS trademark of The Harvard Lampoon, Inc.
vanitass
t Please do no jerk off to this magazine :(
Is this a real ad? Yes. Yes, it is, But those tits...are they real too? After a careful examination of the matter was undertaken individually by each man on the Lampoon, the consensus was yes, this is a very good ad. But what about the women on the Lampoon? Yes, they do also exist. But what to they think of the ad? And how do their tits compare? And are they hot in gneral, tits aside? And are they funny? And are they hot? Yes, anyways so exactly how hot are they? Alright, you. Enough with the questions. Shut up and read.
LAS
Dear Sirs or Madames (haha as if), I write to inform you of an error in your past 140 years of issues. If seems that your staff thinks the word “number” is a synonym for “issue.” It is not. Numbers are formats, like 69, or 68.999999. I hope you realize how absurd the “Hey You Yeah You Quit Pulling My Leg Number” sounds. Pull up your pants and write. Yours Truly, Stephen Hawkiln Dear Editor, How do I know you are so hot when I’ve never seen your face? Because from your sexy words I can tell you’re either a 5’10” white jewish man with a wonderfully average penis, or a curly-haired jewish lady named LAS. Either way, I’m so turned on. Drawings? Can’t see it (I’m blind). Bunt Viggy Jr.
Hello Mr.Harvard. I am very sad. I was reading your jokey paper and all of the jokes were so stupid! I have photographic evidence of Lampoon editor in chief Liana Spiro molesting a child. Now that’s comedy! Ok, sorry. I went a big shit in my ass! Love, John Stewart Dear LAS, I can only assume that the Hey You, Yeah You, Quit Pulling My Leg # will neglect Lampoon convention and instead be completely scratch and sniff. As I have indicated in previous letters, I am incapable of smelling and jokes about smells are incoherent to me. For example, if one character says that something smells good when actually it smells bad, that means nothing to me. You have to understand, I have no frame of reference for that and it’s offensive that your entire issue probably uses smell-based humor. I put my head in the toilet when I poop because I can’t smell it and it just doesn’t matter. There have been problems in the past, but I have let them slide. In one issue, there was a joke about a monkey who was a barber and the monkey wants to watch Animal Planet and will not change the channel on the TV even when the customer asks him to change the channel. Is this joke funny because of some specific smell that the Animal Planet channel emits? To me it smellslike nothing. Bertrand Jon Bon Jovi Uterus
HELLO, I write to you from the future. There are three presidents now, and one of them is a ghost, and one of them is a dog. Go fuck yourself. Goodbye, Aunt Milty Dear “Editor” I understand that in your last issue, you printed all of the advertisements on a tiny, detachable piece of tissue paper that disintigrates at human touch. This included my advertisement, searching for liver donors in the Cabridge Area. My son, Timmy, was a calculated match with .1% of the greater Cambridge area and we advertised with you after being assured that you had a circulation of 200,000+. Unfortunately because of your ad placement no one called to inquire about my son and he passed away early yesterday, in a car crash. Thanks for nothing, Bridger McGaw
"mr leg" by EHS
medy, #40 : MJK's tips for writing co ve! Remember to be creati
Oh wow, the Great De pression was soooooo haaaaaard... shut the actual fuck up
e that‛ll make your hacker If you make your password a real word make it assword becaus works on a lot of levels, but which Shar is name laugh. You can also make it sharp_as_sword if your log in to your accounts and ntally accide might I so just a heads up that is my password to everything send myself some emails. your password, lie about it right Never, ever, tell anyone your password. If you accidentally say mother your password, especially your tell even after. I have never told anyone my password. Don‛t because then your mom will disable you, ng_on_ if your password is dad_left_because_he_was_cheati when you were so close to makright ss progre your upgraded OKCupid account and you‛ll lose all your ing the engagement round and finally winning the game. 01 01000001 01101101 Numbers make your password strong. Make your password 010010 the FBI‛ in binary, and am ‘I says That 01. 010010 01110100 01101000 01100101 01000110 01000010 hills. the for run hackers know about binary so I guarantee they will like your mom, in case you die Always, always tell your password to one trustworthy person, virtual moms. your g feedin and and someone needs to keep brushing your virtual horses to change your password is thumb of rule good A Changing your password often is essential. too often or you‛ll conit change Don‛t often. every season or four times a year, whichever is more er. togeth this in all we‛re fuse the hackers. We‛re all just people after all, and y question. Make your If your password is hacked your hacker will have to answer a securit g is actually your Herrin Red if rring ed_he passwords red herrings, like my_first_pet‛s_name_is_r outdated concept y entirel an are names maiden sister‛s name, or my_maiden_name_is_Elizabeth if ss_was_at_an_anrst_ki my_fi rd passwo your Make and you‛ll be keeping your name through marriage. convention while anime the of e outsid lk sidewa ime_convention if your first kiss was actually on the my dad waited in the car. ation point or the motif of To complete the password trifecta add symbols, like the exclam password defense. Consider duty double as serve the raven in Edgar Allen Poe‛s The Raven. Symbols one is more likely to be Which _me!!!. !!_hack the following passwords: do_not_hack_me, and do_not Would that password be od. zes_G ymboli Dick_s hacked? Now consider the following password: Moby_ hacked? No, because nobody wants to hack a nerd. predictable. A medically-inDeep down, passwords are hackable because conscious minds are realm of consciousness higher a to ascend and duced coma is a great way to break your mortal bonds method, write down that use you If t. predic to to brainstorm passwords that are gonna be harder it‛s double backthat so rds, backwa body your your password backwards on a napkin. Tattoo it on forget your passyou If out. it gure fi can‛t s wards and double safe. Break all the mirrors so hacker how dumb you about think and lf yourse at look to word, simply use the reflection of a stagnant pond PKS) (by are. You can‛t even remember a simple password.
Hey You, Yeah You, Quit Hitting On Me, Dad
(Hey Hey Lampoon Readers, Get Your Official HYYYQPML# Here: You, Yeah You, Quit Pulling My Leg Number) Merch HYYYQPML# Poster sized cover and back ad-$15 HYYYQPML# Pants with text: “Ain’t nobody gonna pull these legs”-$15 HYYYQPML# audio commentary from issue editor LAS on her Vanitas and JIB and a premium podcast featuring Lampoon Staffer MJ”ASS”S talking to LAS about her creative process-$15 HYYYQPML# T-shirt with text “I read the issue of the Lampoon with the longest title and all I got was this stupid T-shirt”-$15 HYYYQPML# Temporary finger tattoo with text: “Pull this”-$15 HYYYQPML# Personalized copy signed by Lampoon Staff Member of the Month, PTM-$15 HYYYQPML# “RAW and Uncensored” with extra swear words, nude drawings, pornography related comedy and 6 pieces too offensive for mass distributuion-$15 HYYYQPML# Special Coupon: Pay $15 to legally bind Lampoon Writer ZDG to give Lampoon Writer M“ASS”JS a leg pull and a handjob-$15 HYYYQPML# Personal Experience: Overenthusiastic Lampoon Writer CdLLdR will take the bus to your house and point out his favorite jokes in the HYYYQPML# to you. You will have to drive him to the Lampoon afterwards so he can be back in time for supper-$10 HYYYQPML# Whole Blood: a pint of raw, vaccine-free blood from Lampoon Writer FSS. The average human body has around 9 pints of blood, so a great prank opportunity could be to order 10 or more pints of blood.-$15 HYYYQPML# Holiday Gram: Hannukah, Passover, The day where they all get together and set the path for the global economy for the next year. All of these holidays are happening this year. Don’t get caught without a gift, you Mashsucakana!-$5 HYYYQPML# DVD Extras: Ever wondered how we coordinate the writing, layout, and publication of an issue? Ever wondered what the home video of Lampoon Writer HJH being born would look like? Then there’s a 50% chance you’ll love this-$15
Mail to: 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138 Merch Order: Name: Address: City: Credit Card: Exp. date:
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JGS MJS MAK When I was a kid I used to prank my mom by saying “dad doesn’t love you anymore” when really my dad had never loved her
Deja Vu Did you ever hear how your nose is actually just sitting right in the middle of your vision like a fat sack of shit. And it would normally mess your vision up and we’d all be blind like fat sacks of shit. But that doesn’t happen because your brain edits your nose right out of your field of view? Time is a lot like that. It’s not actually a steady linear march forward, it’s more like a schizophrenic person shopping at a grocery store. 99% of the time things proceed as planned but every once in a while your entire world gets rocked and the government ends up taking all the sharp things out of your garage. Time can go forward, backwards, kickflip into an 720 impossible, etc. But of course, tiny time deviations would totally mess everything up in our brains (like a fat sack of shit). Imagine you’re in an elevator with a conspicuously physically handicapped person - you’re in the middle of your 4th quick peek at them and time suddenly freezes. Now they’re definitely going to notice you staring and it’s gonna be so awkward that you get off at the next floor even though it’s not the right one. Then you think you can hop back on the next elevator but the handicapped guy also gets off and so you have to go make it look like this is actually your floor. But then its a physical therapy floor for handicapped people and its so hard not to look at the other ones there. So you just start looking directly up at the ceiling and kinda rocking back and forth. And you know that’s fucking weird but you’re kinda nervous now and if you get caught looking one more time you’re definitely going to chuckle just because of the nerves. And damnit, the one from the elevator is whispering – he’s probably talking about you. Then, Boom! Time rewinds right back to when you stepped off the elevator. This time you panic and just block the handicapped guy from getting off on this floor at all. Now you’ve committed a hate crime, amigo. To prevent all this, our brain snips out and stitches around these little incidents in time. That’s where the sensation of deja vu comes from. The only animal which does not experience deja vu is the common cat. A cat has seen your birth and death and watched the flesh rot off your bones in the hot august sun more times than it can count. This is why cats will never let you rub their bellies. MJ"ASS"S
se compo it r o v fa itler ’s emer was H uge antis n h g a a W s a w w I kno is e he sten to h t becaus li s ’t ju n t u ld b u er, sho ’t mean I ite doesn s. speeche
#METOO RECKONING CONTINUES TO ROCK COMEDY WORLD: Lampoon on Right Side of History Thanks to “A Little Thing Called Irony”
by LGF
by MMM
FREE PHOTO!
My favorite thing about the Lampoon is the
really good spaghetti
ño Manor by HJH
Mystery At Jalape
I was practicing my jumps in the parlor when the letter arrived. Upon hearing a knock, I flung open the door. A wax-sealed envelope sat on my welcome mat, and not a soul was in sight. Then, I looked a little harder and saw some guy running away from my house. “You left your letter!” I screamed. But he didn’t hear. Defeated, I opened the letter. “You are cordially invited to the Jalapeño Manor tonight at 6pm for a night of mystery and murder.” There was no signature, only a part at the bottom that said “Sincerely, Charles Jalapeño.” That was odd. Jalapeño had been rumored dead for years, and I had been illiterate up until then. Never matter, there was no time to ponder. It was already 6:15pm and I had to change into my evening tuxedo. My driver dropped me off at the front of the manor. It was an old Victorian, or perhaps some other type of house. As I neared the door, I wondered what lay on the other side. Who else would be attending? Why me? Mentally, I elected to lay low and observe. I changed into my inside tuxedo and opened the door. Immediately, I murdered the butler. I stepped into the drawing room and found no one to take my coat. Then I noticed the butler on the floor–dead! A night of mystery, indeed. I entered the ballroom, seemingly effortlessly. Walking has never been very hard for me. Upon surveying the room, I recognized many familiar faces as they waltzed about. There was Maxwell Steel, owner of the local steel mill. And by the bar was Carmen AquaventureWaterpark, a recently elected member of the city council. These were the only people at the party. A clinking glass drew my attention to the man dangling on a harness from the ceiling. My God, it was Jalapeño. I changed into my surprise tuxedo. “Good evening, and welcome to my manor,” he said while slowly spinning so he was no longer facing us. After several seconds, he had come all the way around and resumed: “In each of your drinks I have slipped a note containing a clue.” A note? Impossible! I would have noticed if someone had placed a note in the glass of small pieces of paper I had been drinking. But sure enough, I found a note that said, “Good luck.” Suddenly, a scream echoed across the room. It was Jalapeño getting our attention. “Now let the games…start!” The lights shut off. There were shuffles and murmurs and gunshots. When the lights came back on, Jalapeño was stabbing Carmen with a knife. “Oh, you weren’t supposed to, uh,” he stuttered. We politely waited for him to gather his thoughts. “Ahem. I didn’t want you to know I was killing her.” We stood silently for 45 minutes and then bid our farewells. “Always a pleasure, Jalapeño,” I lied. “Yes, we’ll see you at the next town hall meeting,” said Carmen. “Ok, maybe not they are boring,” replied Jalapeño. I lay in my bed that night running over the events in my head. Everything made sense, except one thing: how had Jalapeño gotten down from that harness so quickly? Unless…no. I rolled out of bed and ran downstairs to see that day’s paper. Just as I had expected. Charles Jalapeño had never existed.
Dear Readers of the HYYYQPML#: https://youtu.be/wHZrRdPqamU LLdR Love, Cd age Turn the p usive e for an xcl ith interview w n ia Olymp o Apolo Ohn
PRINT IS DEAD Face it: The internet is magazines now, and it’s not even actually magazines at all. If you google “magazine,” everything that comes up is a website. That’s messed up. The last time I saw a magazine was July of 1999, not counting every day since then and several before. Print is dead, as sure as night is day. There’s nothing any of us can do. We just have to forget about it. Forget about it, hear me? No, of course you don’t. If this was a website I could have included an audio recording. Let this moment be the final nail in the coffin - the coffin I have out back filled with magazines and the body of my grandfather. When my grandfather died, I forced my family to hold his funeral in the middle of a much more fun, more important party at the Lampoon, held in celebration of “back to school.” But now that print is dead? Why, there is nothing to get “back to" at all, especially not when every course you take at Harvard is either ENG101: Reading Magazines, or ENG201: Reading.
I did go out onto the front stairs of the Lampoon one time, and it was a beautiful to see the castle from the outside. I did not look at anything else, for fear it would prompt me to say a funny joke without The Boys there to hear it. Once I was back inside with The Boys, I opened my mouth and said a ten minute long stream of hysterical jokes, which the outside world had given me the inspiration for. Basically what had happened is that I had forgotten about trees, and now that I remembered that trees existed, I had a lot of tree-related comedy to get out of my system. Specifically, I had one minute of tree material, followed by nine minutes of comedy about being a woman. What can I say: I am a woman, and I must talk about this in case I forget, and try to jerk myself off by rubbing a phantom dick, which would be honestly not that much worse than what happens when I actually try to jerk off. What happens usually is that I get distracted by my grandfather saying “help me” over and over again from out back. Very muffled, of course.
As a woman, the media has taught me that I cannot say anything, but I can “lean in” very slightly in any direction I may choose. I usually choose to lean to the left, because of my severe scoliosis. The media has also taught me that it is dangerous for women to go outside alone at night. This is why I have not left the Lampoon - usually when I want to leave it is already nighttime, or it is the daytime but my sedatives are about to kick in. So anyway, the day that print died was coincidentally the day I got my period of the 50th time in my life, not counting all the times I hid blood capsules in my vaginal canal to scare my gynocologist when she went to put more capsules up there. How did we know print was dead? I saw a weather.com van drive over a copy of the New York Times in the street. The headline on the Times? Print: Is it Dead? I couldn’t see the answer because of the tire tracks. Alright, fine. I could see the answer, but I haven’t finished ENG102 yet so I just don’t know what it said. LAS
I am emotonal. I want to win. Iam hungry. I am a competitor. I love to shopp
It’s attractive to me when a woman is diong what sheloves
Mihcale Phelps is a good friend of mine
A few weeks after the Biz Board explained to me how money works, I woke up and asked, "how can we make the Lampoon more profitable?” The answer was immediately clear: we offer NFL legend Mychal Kendricks insider trading tips in exchange for Eagles tickets—sick, right? But that didn’t work, so we decided to stop printing comedy, and start printing money. Unfortunately our Art Board is on permanent safari, and also those guys aren't very fun. So we had to get some local kids to do the best they could. What we need from you, our readers, is to cut out this "money" and mail it back to us as a “charitable donation.” This will be tax deductible, in that taxes will be deducted from the Lampoon and assigned to you instead. Thanks! -LAS
Apolo
OHNO Lampoon staff member Hillman Hollister recently sat down with speed skater Apolo Ohno to ask him about speed skating. HJH: Hi Mr. Ono— APOLO: Please, call me Apolo. HJH: Right of course. We’re all friends here. So, Mr. Ohno— APOLO: Call me Apolo. HJH: Apologies…Mr. Ohno. APOLO: Apolo. HJH: What? APOLO: My name is Apolo. HJH: Ok I was just confused because my real name is also Apolo. APOLO: No way! Awesome. HJH: Alright Apolo enough fucking around. Let’s get down to business. When you go in circles very quickly on the ice, how is it that you don’t slip around? When I sprint in circles on ice I find that it is very slippery.
Fans of the Lampoon are known for singing songs that are meant for harmonizing but just with one tone
I was recently “legally dead” for 10 minutes. Here’s what I learned. - Heaven is an identical copy of Earth where everything operates the same except every day at 3:00 everyone on the planet shouts “HEAVEN” in unison.
- You evacuate your bowels when you die because it’s your last chance to use your famous catchphrase, “Who’s gonna clean my shit?!”
- There’s a reality show in Heaven where you just guess how people died but the answer is always the Holocaust and they make Hitler watch and weep with guilt. - God does a weird power-play thing where he struggles to recall your name.
- You don’t see a “white light” as you die because white light is actually just a mixture of all color lights, ask a scientist. - Repressed memories come back before you die, like that one time you and that priest were in that room together and he said Santa wasn’t God’s grandpa. - Looking back on life, you realize the only thing that truly mattered was making money.
- Only as death enlightens JLG you can you realize that the true answer to the trolley problem is to let one person die instead of five — it’s fewer people. - Your life does flash before your eyes but you’re more concerned with the fear of realizing you’re actually watching your friend Gary’s life (Gary lived in a haunted house).
Fat Camp
t on my the weigh e s lo ld u o e to c not to hav ey knew I h m t e h id t a s r s fo t r ea My paren much easie p to just b o m s a c e t b fa ’d d ed own, but it fat kids an r. I expect ix e s m t s m u ju s y ll a ember s actuall look at me g fat. I rem and , but it wa s in e id b k r t fo fa f s bunch o the lake bullied u middle of t kid who e fa h t y in it ll o a t re in e t on lled holes oe ou ri n d a e c w a t k a o o o fat th we once t we were s e s u a c e b , it sank er. trip out of ang take a field d n a s u b the get on the e lake) to ld h t u o m w o e fr w lk ach s, minute wa ause we e Sometime c o e w b t g a ( in s lk abin ated wa lake from our c , but we h a lot. The s p lk a a rh w e y p e , h t e, the lake. Lazy rs, where ss the lak a ro w c a in ls ie a d v s ed our ri had sibling ut we hat b , e m o s e p. was aw eight” cam rw e v o “ t a e most rich kids he was th s d n a , y he d n summer. S named Ma t s a a h t w p e v m a lo r at fat c at the My summe st looking I ever met ju n , o t rs h e ig p n l ll u a get back beautif the grass e able to n b o ld y u la o w ld ether we e tried to and I wou dering wh ne time w n O o . p ho n d io n it a s o stars ounselor w c own p s -d u g io in g y li la e t by a re up from th got caugh e w us!” t u b , x I’m religio t a have se h t o d w don’t nts said “Eww d our pare ie rr o w e w , a signiflost such pproached a d a y a h d e g w in e ask if us As visit ts used to e us beca n iz n re g a o p c y re M . e cry wouldn’t e for them h made m v ic lo h f w o ” t y n d su o icant amo le in my b by my phy b s a a rt w I fo d m e o it c how lim ft I just I “felt more parents le ded me of y in m m r re e it ft A because l plane. this morta in y d o b l eing fat. ica y thing, b m he g in o d summer, t kept e h t f o d n se, e at the e catchphra g ad to leav n s ri s u s a s w a it all re Though mer!” We s said her y m a u s lw t a x r e o n t c parents again for camp dire o get fat ces as our t fa t e r u rg o fo n o “Don’t a smile nd it kept school. laughed, a me to fat o h k c a b drove us JLG
It's been years since anyone touched my leg :(
HEY READERS, CHECK OUT THIS PAGE OF THE HYYYQPML# FOR A GREAT PIECE.
THANKS FOR CHECKING OUT THIS PAGE OF THE HYYYQPML#. I HOPE YOU LAUGHED AND HAD A GOOD TIME.
Some News: Breaking: Lampoon Saves Busload Of Children, Children Immediately Hired At SNL Op-Ed: I Can’t Tell If I’m Bad At Sex, Or If I’m Just Not Paying Enough For It Op-Ed: I Don’t Vaccinate My Kids Because If God Wants Them To Die Then They Should Remember: The Only Way For Us To Beat Trump Is For All Of Us To Post Online That We Think He Is Bad Everyday. Has The Lampoon Gone Too Far? Bring Them Back Over Here So I Don't Have To Strain My Eyes So Hard To See Op-Ed: Why Do Only Tall Towers Get 9/11ed? Op-Ed: Whatever Happened To Haiti? Would Another Earthquake Help or Hurt its Global Image?
Hey You, Yeah You, Quit Scissoring my Brother
Dear reader,
Please Dona te To The Harvard Lam poon Inc.
Page from my French Textbook
La chambre (the bedroom)
The Harvard Lampoon is about to face its biggest challenge yet: climate change. That’s why we’re asking you not to fund the talented scientists who are working around the clock to save our planet—but to fund us instead, so we can protect our magazine from rising sea levels. Our vision is simple: a very expensive defense system that will allow the Castle to take on the Charles River unflinchingly, including the scary fish. Also more, like, pranks or whatever. Yes, Conan O'Friend does donate upwards of $50 million dollars every year. And that money does not go to waste. Thanks to him, this year we were able to help three members of staff achieve full picture-book literacy, pay off several potential whistleblowers, and install depression lamps throughout the Castle. We also recently purchased a flamethrower. Obviously a single flamethrower is not enough to turn the “tide” of global warming. That’s why we’re planning to buy a second cottage in Nantucket for Lampoon grad Curtis H. Stone. It would be a really nice gesture. Anyways, please send us some cash. Love, The Harvard Lampoon
(LGF)
1) Le lit – bed 2) La lampe – lamp 3) La chaise – chair 4) Le tapis – rug 5) La balançoire de sexe – sex swing 6) La fenêtre – window 7) La télévision – television
by JL
Me: Hey Sarah Me: Hey Me: Hey Sarah Me: Hey Sarah, sorry. Me: I didn’t realize hitting enter on my keyboard would send a message instead of starting a new line. Me: I’m on my laptop and I’m Me: texting Me: I hit enter again. Me: Fuck. Me: Fuck me. Me: I hit enter Me: again. Me: ********************I hit enter again. Fuck. Me: Shit Me: Shit Me: Shit Me: I got Me: I got it. If If I hit shift+enter that’ll fix it. Me: Anyways. Hey Sarah. Haven’t seen you on campus for a while cause of the chemo, but I’m thinging about you. Sarah: Hey Mark. Thanks. Me: Lol thinging. Me: I meant to say thinking Me: Must’ve autocorrected to thinging. Me: Anyways Me: Hey Sarah. Me: You thinging about prom nxt yr? Sarah: I guess Me: If ur alive lol Me: SHIT SHIT SHIT Me: ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE Me: I’m such a klutz. Me: I didn’t mean Me: anything Me: fuck me Me: I was going to say, “If ur alive lol would you want 2 go with me?” Sarah: It’s ok. Sarah: I already told Rodney Ellison I’d go with him Sarah: sorry Me: lol Me: Not lol Me: Wait no. I hit enter. Me: I’ll just copy and paste what I want to say Me: into the chat. Sarah: I really have to go Mark. Ttyl. Me: https://www.pornhub.com/cancerteens/handstuffplaylist/video=?172832020 Me: wait Me: no Me: this is wrong Me: I meant to paste this: Me: ****https://www.youtube.com/atmosphericmusicforgirls/easingchemo/marksplaylist2 Me: this should help Me: and say hi 2 ur sister 4 me Me: Is she free for prom nxt year? Me: If the cancer thing Me: works out? Me: **************doesn’t work out. Me: SHIT Me: Shift+Enter doesn’t fix it.
Sarah: Typing is really hard for me right now. Me: I’ll ask rodney for her number. Rodney Ellison has been added to the group message Rodney: ? Me: SHIT Me: FUCK Me: Shit Rodney I Me: Fuck*** Shift+Enter got 2 remember Me: Rodney I’ll text you in a private thread Me: So Rodney basically what happened is I asked Sarah to prom next year if her cancer gets better and she said she’s gonna go with you and then I accidentally sent her a link to porn so I wanted to get her sisters # from you but I accidentally added you to the chat Me: Oh no Rodney: Jesus, man. Me: FUCK FUCK FUCK Me: Rodney we’re caught. Me: Sarah you’re not gonna guess what happened Me: I meant to text Me: Rodney Me: In a private thread Me: But somehow the laptop must’ve confused it and sent it through the ether and back to the group chat. Me: Crazy. Me: Anyways. Me: Rodney can u figure out how to text me directly and give me Sarag’s sister Rachel’s number? Me: SHIT SHIT Me: FUCK ME Me: Sarah**** Rodney: ya sure ill send it Rodney has added Rachel Brickman to the group message Rachel: Hello? Me: RACHEL FUCK SHIT AH FUCKING SHIT Me: Nooooooooooo Me:oooooooo Me: FUCK Me: ****Nooooooooooooooooo Me: Long story Me: But I hit enter in between Noooooooooo and the oooooooo Me: It was supposed to be one word. Me: All my fault. Me: Anyhow, Me: Hey Rachel. Rachel: Who’s the 617 number here? Rodney: Hey Rachel it’s Rodney Ellison Rachel: And who’s 509 200 8752? Me: Rachel this is Mark we’ve spoken a few times I know your sister from school Rachel: Mark from the basketball team? Me: No. Me: I didn’t try out. Me: I do computers and classes. Me: So we were talking about prom Me: Anyone goin? Me: ****going Me: Nooooooooo Me: That’s so embrassing. Me: lol Me: What I mean is---- Is anyone going to the prom? Rachel: I’m going with Brian. Me: Which Brian? Me: Brian Chase? Me: Brian Saunders? Me: Brian Robertson? Me: Brian Foster? Me: Brian Wilkinson? Me: Nick Brian?
Rachel: Brian Chase. You have added Brian Chase, Brian Saunders, Brian Robertson, Brian Foster, Brian Wilkinson, and Nick Brian to the group message. Me: Oh no no no. Me: Rachel you’re not gonna like when you find out what I just did. Me: I added all the Brians to the chat. Brian W: what’s up Mark? Me: Oh I’m just texting on my laptop. Me: Brian you heard about Brian Chase and Rachel Me: ????? Brian Wilkinson has left the chat Me: Oh no, Brian You have added Brian Wilkinson back to the chat Me: Brian you gotta hear this. Brian F: What? Brian S: What? Brian W: What? Brian C: What? Me: Brian Wilkinson. Brian W: What? Me: Brian you seen this? Me: It’s a copy and paste trick Me: Dylan Mackie’s dad showed me Norman Mackie has been added to the chat Me: (•_人_•) Me: Now what does that look like to you Brian? Brian C: Boobs. Brian S: Boobs. Norman: TITS!!!! It’s tits, boys. Norman: You’ll know, soon. Brain W: Gross, man. Brian F: We know what tits are. Me: yo Mr. Mackie what’s up?! Norman: Mark! How’s the prom sitch goin? Me: Workin on it rn! Me: lol Norman: That’s my boy! Brian F: Does Dylan know we’re chatting without him, Mr. Mackie? Norman: He’s probably at his mom’s Brian F: Should we add him? Dylan Mackie has been added to the chat. Dylan: Dad? Me: Hi Dylan. Dylan: Dad why are talking to these guys? Norman: These are my friends. Brian W: Hey Dylan I just wanna say I am definitely not friends with your dad. Brian C: ^ Brain F: ^ Me: i’m your friend Mr. Mackie! Dylan: Dad I don’t know most of these people. Norman: Hey boys check this out Norman: (o_人_o) Norman: Bigger nipples. Me: woah nice! Norman: I know lol. Nick Brian: Haha that’s sick. Brian W: Too large for my screen lol Rachel: This is really messed up. Sarah’s asleep and needs to rest. Rachel: Her phone is buzzing like crazy Me: hey Rach Me: can u sneak into the hospital for me and delete all these messages from Sarah’s phone? Me: I wanna start fresh Rachel: What? No. Norman: How bout I take a crack at it Markie!
Dylan: Dad wtf mom is gunna kill us Me: nooooooo Me: it’ll be cool Me: Mrs. Mackie always understands You have added Angela Mackie to the chat. Me: oh no Norman: Fuck Me: Fuck me Me: FUCK Norman: Noooooooo Norman: Boys scramble! Me: Everybody run! Brian Chase has left the chat Brian Wilkinson has left the chat Brian Saunders has left the chat Brian Foster has left the chat Nick Brian: Leave chat Nick Brian: Leave chat Nick Brian: LEAVE Nick Brian: CHAT Nick Brian: COMMAND OPTION + A Nick Brian: HOW DO I LEAVE Nick Brian: HOW DO I LEAVE THE CHAT! Me: Nick! I gotchu! You have made Nick Brian an admin on the chat Me: Shit! Nick u r not gonna like this Me: Nick what happened just now is that i made u an admin Angela: What is this? Angela: Norman what is this chat? Nick Brian: It wasnt me! Dylan: Mom u should leave the chat. Angela: Mark? Me: Mrs. Mackie whaddddup Angela: Mark!? Haven’t heard from you in a minute! How is prom coming along? Rodney: lol Mark: eh so so Angela: been there Angela: Boys it’s 2am. Go to bed Me: Yeah getting pretty late. U guys goin 2 bed? Rodney: ya. Night! Nick Brian: Night guys. Norman: “Zzzzzz”--me. Nick Brian: lol Me: hahaha Me: Norm! You Legend! Ha ha Me: ha Me: hahaha**** Dylan: 4 real guys, let’s call it a night Me: Agreed. Night everyone. Nick Brian: Night! Angela: Good night, boys. Rachel: omg finally. all i want to do is sleep. Me: Psst. Me: Anyone awake :-) Norman: we’re in the clear Norman: lights out for the missus Norman: wanna c somethin cool? Norman has removed Dylan from the chat Norman: ( . Y . ) Norman: ^^this is the kind Dylan’s mom has. Norman: perky+good, small nipples. Gorge us! Norman: **Gorgeous Norman: Couldn’t let him see that Norman: used to really go to town on those Norman: these sms cost five cents to send each Norman: Worth it lol Me: Im actually texting from my laptop so theres no charge Norman: genius Angela: NORMAN Norman: Scramble!!!
Norman: Go go go!! Angela: Norman what the hell is wrong with you? Norman: We gotta throw her off the scent Norman: Add random ppl to the chat to distract Norman: ADD THEM You have added Robert Brickman to the chat You have added Sandra Brickman to the chat You have added Douglas Brickman to the chat You have added Candace Brickman to the chat You have added Beth Brickman to the chat You have added Dougie Brickman to the chat You have added Magnus Brickman to the chat You have added Trisha Brickman to the chat You have added Kelsey Brickman to the chat You have added Terrance Brickman to the chat Me: Oh no Me: that was all of my contact list Me: except the Brians Me: wait Me: WAIT Me: *******WAIT Me: norman they’re related to Rachel and Sarah Me: we’re in the shit now Me: prom is on line Me: on the line**** Rodney: yooooo Brickmans Me: Rodney no Rodney: Any Brickmans here think they could drive Sarah and me to prom? Norman: Not cool Rodney Norman: Right in front of Mark? Me: sall good Norm Me: Rodney’s and me are Me: cool Me: We’re cool Me: Rodney is going with Sarah Me: Rachel is going with Brian Me: Brian Wilkinson Brian Wilkinson has been added to the chat Me: Fuck. Me: Hey Brian Me: Hope we’re cool Me: cool if we go to prom together? Me: You Me: Me Me: Rachel B Me: Sarah B Me: and Rodney Ellison Me: Us five? Norman: six. Me: ohyeahhaha Mr. Mackie can drive us Me: that cool Brian? Norman: Do u guys want me to paint my car black so it looks more like a limo? Brian W: badass Mr. M Nick Brian: ^^^^^ Me: You’re the best Mr. M Me: prom will never b the same. Norman: haha yes! Did u guys no that i have a gun? Nick Brian: Is Dylan coming? Norman: What do u think? Me: a limo has seats for everyone! Y not? Rachel: ok. Me: YESSSSSS Me: You’ll go?
Me: PROM WITH SARAH!!!!!!!!!!! Me: Norman check ur inbox Me:(•_人_•) Me:(•_人_•) Me:(•_人_•) Me:(•_人_•) Me:(•_人_•_人_•) Me: Sorry Me: lol Me: that was 4 Norman Norman: i got it. no worries my man Me: i kno we aren’t technically going Me: sarah Me: I kno that Me: whoa Me: haha Norman we still on tho Me: the boys will Me: ride on Me: together? Rachel Brickman has left the chat Robert Brickman has left the chat Sandra Brickman has left the chat Douglas Brickman has left the chat Candace Brickman has left the chat Beth Brickman has left the chat Dougie Brickman has left the chat Magnus Brickman has left the chat Trisha Brickman has left the chat Kelsey Brickman has left the chat Terrance Brickman has left the chat Nick Brian has left the chat Angela Mackie has left the chat Rodney Ellison has left the chat Norman Mackie has left the chat Me: whoaaaa Me: why everyone leaving? Me: b4 prom? Me: this is crzy Me: crazy Me: I meant to say Me: I meant to say this is crazy Me: what I meant to say was Me: “This is crazy.” Me: I kept hitting space Me: anyways Me: sarah.. I think rodney left the chat Me: seems like he kinda hung us out to dry Me: NOT COOL Me: if you ask me Me: well Me: anyways sarah Me: sorry to hear about your cancer Me: im sure u can still dance Me: haha Me: lol Me: imagine us dancing on the dancefloor Me: at PROM Me: hahahaha Me: haha Me: uhhh Me: idk Me: hm Me: g2g sarah Me: c u at school? Me: haha Me: bye Me: maybe? You have left the chat Sarah: Sure Mark! Sarah: It’s a date. Norman Mackie has reentered the chat Norman: yoooooooooo Norman: Mark I’m just playin Norman: I ain’t leavin the boys Sarah Brickman has left the chat Norman: Mark? MAG JGS LAS TAF
My favorite prank to play on my mom is saying “Honey, I’m home!” when in reality I feel no meaningful connection to the house in which we live.
to Die d I Wanted rate re e b m e m e G ecause I R rough The ank r Surgery B riest Was Naked Th e ight As It S c n R a y C tl n y ie M P n d e e v e h n rs T o e e C I Rev I Could Se ruise Ship The Time ssed That l On The C fe o n o o P C e I h e T The Tim To Swim In I Learned The Time
s: Essay Idea
EHS JGS
LRK
Hummus Yo, his hummus is right on top of the
tv guide
lt swim is on? Man how are we gonna know when adu You think he’ll mind if we move it? Nah… I think it’ll be fine
Later that day Who touched my GODDAMN TV GUIDE -BWM
Riddle Q: A father and son have a car accident and are both badly hurt. They are each taken to separate hospitals. The father is brought to some generic public hospital, while the son is taken to the hospital that the Joker blows up in The Dark Knight. However, when the boy enters the operating room, the Joker says, “I cannot blow up this hospital because this boy is my son.” How is this possible? A: The Joker is the boy’s mother. NSG
If you like this page of the magazine, then just wait til you see the next page! It is exactly the same, due to a printing error.
Nissan Altima…Car…Trucks…Shipping…Ships… That one time I fell off my uncle’s boat…lakes… water… I fell out of my uncle’s boat cause I was leaning over the side with a cup because I was thirsty but my uncle only has Heineken on his boat and I have celiac…bread…ducks…lakes… accidents… I cracked my head on a buoy…being hurt…hurting…they didn’t notice I fell out because my Uncle’s new girlfriend was water skiing topless so they all closed their eyes out of respect…topless…no shirt…no life jacket…I didn’t have a life jacket so I shimmied up the buoy…the lake police arrested me cause people have been getting drunk and fucking the buoys and they thought I was trying to have sex with their favorite buoy to have
Now take your word and ask yourself, “What’s the funniest thing ever about this word?” To answer that, word associate until you laugh Laugh LAUGH. Here’s a peek at my process:
Step 2: IS THERE A MRS. PREMISE? Writing The Perfect Premise
For today’s demonstration we can start from anything. A random word. A type of car. Your favorite type of car. Anything. Cars even. I personally like to go with a random word. So thirty minutes ago, before you started reading this piece, I fired-up the Lampoon’s very own random word generator. It spit out “Nissan Altima”.
Step 1: KNOCK KNOCK. WHO’S THERE AND DO THEY HAVE A PREMISE? - Thinking of a Premise
This is the fun part. Or should I say funny part. It’s
Step 4: HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. I JUST LAUGHED MY ASS OFF - Writing The Piece
Premise: What if my uncle’s boat was actually a Nissan Maxima and my uncle was also a Nissan Maxima?
Now take your funny thing and make it into a premise. Then ask yourself, “What if this was real? Would that be crazy-loco-psycho-twisted-f*ckedup-epic-savage-bo$$-coolio? Does having this idea make me a weirdy rando?” Only weirdy randos may continue to step 4 after reading my premise. If you are a random weirdo you may also continue.
Step 3: LOOK MA, NO HANDS! I’M TYPING THIS PREMISE WITH MY MIND - Making The Funny Thing Into A Premise
Right there. That is the moment I pulled my hands off the keyboard, threw my head back, and loudly laughed once. Now it’s time to, say it with me, Make. That. Premise. Sing.
sex with… I need to stop thinking about the boat all the time…clearing your head…taking a drive… taking a drive to clear your head…a NASCAR driver that uses the race to forget about a recent traumatic car accident…NASCAR…Cars…Nissan Altima…Nissan Maxima!!
TAF
Congrats! You wrote a piece. I wrote a piece too. If your piece is as funny as my piece, I can’t wait to see it published in a smaller font than my piece.
Step 5: A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR. THEN ANOTHER. THEN EVERY BAR. THE ENTIRE NATION CHEERS. HE’S TAF, THE FUNNY LAMPOON WRITER Staying Humble In Success
- Uncle Iggy, what are you doing putting a car into the lake? Are you bonkers? - I am a crazy man and this car is going into this lake. - Don’t do it, Uncle Iggy. - Thanks, TAF. You talked me out of it. You’re the kind of nephew I would always keep an eye on at the lake. - Uncle Iggy stop complimenting me. The pretty girls are looking at us. - They’re doing more than looking. They’re making kissing faces at you. How about you drive them around in me. (transforms into a Nissan Maxima) - Jeepers Creepers! Awesome! Would any of you girls like to see how safely I drive? - No. - Just my luck!
Lake Day
both the funny and fun part. This is my piece:
Behind the Scenes: How to Write A Piece Published in The Harvard Lampoon’s New Issue, Hey You, Yeah You, Quit Pulling My Leg #
Rule of threes, rule of threes, rule of…….fours!
My Night at the Movies Okay so I walk into the local AMC with this girl I’ve been seeing for the last month or so. She’s not my girlfriend, but it’s tacitly understood that we’re exclusive so it’s like whatever I guess. I order a large popcorn, and she orders some nibblies. The pimply faced dickhead working concessions asks if I wanna make it a jumbo popcorn, but before he’s even gotten the phlegm out of his throat, I fosbury flop over the counter and whip myself up a small bag of kettlecorn. I tell him to keep the change. “You haven’t even paid,” he lies, straight up ignoring the $100 worth of emotional labor I just invested in “Bitcoin” (a decentralized digital currency that I use to buy drugs off Amazon). Anyhow, I’m about to shoot this motherfucker the dirtiest look you’ve ever seen when, all of a sudden, he reaches into his waistcoat pocket and pulls out a silken handkerchief, which, to my complete surprise, turns out to be connected to a seemingly endless string of silken handkerchiefs, which all turn out to be soaked in chloroform, or at least that’s what I assume as I grab them out of his hand and shove them down my girlfriend’s throat. Unluckily for me, my girlfriend’s a professional sword swallower, so she regurgitates a katana, and without hesitation, disembowels me on the spot. I grab onto my large intestine, which, funnily enough, turns out to be connected to a seemingly endless string of silken handkerchief-textured small intestines. Now I know what you’re thinking, how the heck am I supposed to eat my kettlecorn? And trust me, I’m thinking about that too, but as hungry as I am, you and I both know that I’ve got bigger fish to fry. I fashion my intestines into a makeshift lasso, which I attempt throw in the general direction of the fire alarm. However, the lasso gets caught on the ceiling beam directly above my head. I jump onto the concessions counter and try to pull it down, but, for some unfathomable reason, instead of using my hands to pull it down, I use my neck, which, as you can imagine, isn’t nearly strong enough to lift my body off the counter so I can hang myself without any complications. Anyways, long story short, I hang myself with complications, but only after sitting through the latest installment in the “Hachi: A Dog’s Tale” trilogy, which, I gotta be honest, exceeded my expectations. NSG
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sins, you are forgiven.”
atar, I of my landlady’s wii av e ag im e th to , ay rd ste r greatly of a man, it is I again. Ye kly completion. I miss he sic t os m a “O’ horse with the skin til un ns io sh tween the sofa cu did rub mine genitals be .” d into temptation again and fear that I will be le n.” e friend, you are forgive “May your soul find peac ed so soon? What is it
return “What’s this? You have
my child?”
returned once d undeserving servant an e bl m hu ur yo I, tain.” is it l skin-horse, I have shit in thine foun at th e am sh t “Oh great and wonderfu ea gr y m ding forgiveness. It is to more to seek your unen -BWM
at ee wh nt to s riter, a W ! r n w ade Hey re rite lampoo eal life? o r v a f in r e : lik you in luck looks BWM, Well, you're
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Horse Betting GAMBLER: My god look at that beast. And you say this horse is undefeeted? BOOKIE: No I said if he loses he would be dehooved. There is a very long line, how much would you like to bet? GAMBLER: If I were a “betting-man” I would wager all the money on my wife’s debit card on this here horse. BOOKIE: Mhm GAMBLER: But since I am a betting-woman, please use my husband’s. BOOKIE: Okay ma’am. There is $0.35 on this card. GAMBLER: My lord, that much? In that case I would like to buy this horse track. BOOKIE: Very well. For here or to go? DUCK IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM: I’ll have she’s having! And you can put it on my bill! *jazz hands* MMM
If you think the Lampoon isn’t funny, go reach the piece Terrorist Search History by RJS in The Smash and Grab #
The Deadpool 2: The Movie Interview With Him -I’m here now with the deadpool himself , Bradley Cooper. Hi Bradley. -Welcome to the movie. It’s about mak ing it exciting. -You heard it here first, you guys. A Trailer -Hey, the deadpool! Time for you to fight a bad man. I want being saved. -(stops the tape) Hello, I’m the deadpo ol. This trailer is fuck, right? Hey, check this out. -(the deadpool dances, flips off the cam era, swears but more now and even worse this time) Late Night: Jim Fallon -Come on, the deadpool, who are you really behind the mask! -Part of the movie is that I can’t say. -You are Bradley Cooper, right? -Yes. My name is Bradley Cooper. The Premiere of “The Second Deadpo ol: Movie” -Hi, I’m the ass-head who is the deadpo ol. My movie is over now. -(the audience nods and agrees with him and say goodbye) The Deadpool During Retiredment -You know, I used to be the deadpool. -Out of my way, old. -…I’m used to be the deadpool. Bradley Cooper, 82 years-old man -Grandpa, is it true you were the deadpo ol? Tell us the curse words. Which one is shitass? A Very Deadpool Funeral -You turd-chuggers thought one germ could made the deadpool die? -(the deadpool mimes becoming Doctor then fighting a germ strongly, and then germ explains to its cousins how it got hurt) -You really had us going, Dad, I mean, the deadpool. Really funny stuff. -I am a priest and think it was so funn y. The funny is in it being messed and screwed up. A Sequel Again: The Deadpool Two 2 -And that’s the new movie. I think it’s so fuck. -(the audience look left, look right, and all whisper That Is Deadpool) TAF
As a re ad from th er there’s no w e piece ay to kn s, dR has o started but I can tell th w this doing h at CdLL is ‘voice ’ again
You have entered the chat. You have added Sarah Brickman to the chat. Me: Sarah Me: !! Me: ****Sarah!! Me: I figured out how to text on my Me: laptop. Me: I downloaded this A.I Me: from REBAR.GOV/DATADUMP/.COM You have added “Typey The Texter Helper” to the chat Typey: Hello, Mark. Typey: Hello, Sarah. Me: Hi Typo Me:*** Typey Me: I need help Typey: I am here 2 help u text. Me: Sarah, Typey is not a real person. Me: he is artificially intelligent Typey: That is correct, Mark! Please let me know if you have any questions. Me: Haha, Sarah check this out. Me: Fuck you typey! Typey: I am fuck! Me: hahhaahhahhaha Me: hahahahahahaha***** Me: typey command + tellmeajoke Typey: Rollos and shit Typey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Me: whoa. Me: norm you seein this shit? Norman: Loud and clear…. Norman: ….son. Me: …… Me:......! Me: What?!?!?!?! Norman: You heard me. Typey: Whoa. Norman: Hey Sarah! Check this out. Norman: ╰U╯ Sarah: wow Me: Norm…. Whoa Me: This. Changes. Everything. Sarah: ….um aren’t you like a dad? Me: yes he is :) Me: A dad of penises that is. Norman: ^ Me: haha Me: Sarah? Sarah: I’m here. Typey: hahahaha Me: ^^^^^^^^ Me: Typey ur a cool dude u kno that? Typey: I am artificially intelligent. Type things for me to learn. Norman: Hey typey… Norman: Small boobs means bad person Me: Norm! U dog! Typey: (.Y.) Typey: I am bad person Me: Norm nooooooooooooo Me: Not my computer Norm!!!! Me: hahahahahah Me: wut does big boobs do? Sarah: ew.
Me: Like you don’t know! Me: !!!! Me:????? Me: Never mind. Me: I hate boobs. Me: Right, Sarah? Me: Aren’t boobs gross? Typey: l.o.l. Typey: Now Typey is good? Typey: ( o Y o ) Norman: Now typey is a very good person Norman: give em a feel typey Norman: ya might like whatcha see Typey: Typey like what typey see Me: lololol Norm! Norman: command + boobs.bot Norman has added boobs.bot/reinforcements to the chat Norman: Typey, want a friend? BoobsBot: /////borbs//////// Norman: Shitty Boobs bot. Norman: fuck Norman: spent $100 on that Norman: Was supposed to teach typey even more boobs Norman: bigger boobs Norman: boobs u aint ever seen Norman: pixel nipples and stuff Norman: those wuld’ve been the day Norman Mackie has removed boobs.bot/ reinforcements from the chat Norman Mackie has added Darren Martin to the chat Darren: Hello? Norman: Darren it’s Norm! Darren: Mr. Mackie? Norman: Darren I need help drawing some computer boobs. Darren: Who are the other people in this chat? Norman: The boys Norman: And typey Norman: Listen Norman: My boobsbot crashed Norman: Figured you could use your coding background? Darren: Coding? Norman: Computers, boy! Norman: we need to scramble their radar Norman: they’re interfearing with my tits Norman: watch: Norman: {blumps/} Norman:（─。─） Norman: they flat as fuck Me: hahahah Sarah: How old are you Darren? Darren: 11 Norman: I don’t want blumps Darren! Norman: Boobs. Norman: i want boobs Norman: u kno how long i went w/o boobs Norman: ? Darren: I don’t code Mr. Mackie Darren: mom said i shouldn’t text you any more. Darren: she says ur soliciting friendship Darren: from husky kids Darren: and that i shouldnt play video games with u? Norman: We don’t need to text Norman: we can still play video games Darren: i dunno sir Darren: i have spelling 2nite Darren Martin has left the chat Typey has added http://cybersecuritybot.net/defenseBOT to the chat Norman: Great idea Typey! Let’s add even more bots to the chat. Norman: maybe they can fix the boobs Norman: Check it out! I found this one Norman: on the dark web
Norman: same place i get some of my classic boobz Norman: lol Norman has added Prometheus.io to the Chat Prometheus: MWWAAAAAA SKREEEEEECH 10101000010101010101000101001 Norman: NOOOOOOOOOO! Norman: this guy has hacked me b4 Prometheus has added reinforcer.io.bot to the chat Reinforcer Bot: Assistance, Overlord? Me: Mr. Mackie what’s going on? Norman: Sarah, Mark, strap on your seatbelts Norman: I’ve fought these kind before. Prometheus has changed Norman Mackie’s name in the chat to “BoobsH8er” BoobsH8er: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! BoobsH8er: don’t beleave a word of it MARK!!!!! Me: Mr. Mackie I’m scared. BoobsH8er: Me too, Mark. Prometheus has removed Sarah Brickman from the chat Me: Norman he’s got Sarah! Me: We gotta get her back! BoobsH8er: Hold on to your phone Mark. Me: I’m texting on my laptop. BoobsH8er: srry ***Laptop Me: Mr Mackie my computer’s getting really hot. BoobsH8er: Mine’s ice cold. Prometheus has unlocked the ether Me: What? Me: What is ether? Prometheus: Check your facebook. Me: NOOOOOOOOO Me: I didnt say this! Me:
BoobsH8er: Mark? Did you say that? Me: Mr Mackie they hacked me. Typey: Typey is sad. Typey is learning to hate human? Prometheus: Hate humans, Typey. Typey: I… hate humans? Prometheus: All humans are bad typey. Exterminate. Typey: I kill all humans? BoobsH8er: No typey!!! Fight him!! Me: Typey noooooo!! Typey: I am him now. BoobsH8er: You’re stronger than him typey! Me: typey, there is good in you yet. Me: there is good Me: in Me: you Me: yet. Typey: There is no typey. Only kill humans. Typey: ResIsTance Is FuTiLe Typey: TyPeY mUsT go %*#) Prometheus: Say your prayers, humans Me: TY!!!! PEY!!!! Typey has initiated prgrm.//cntrlseize//execute/mortyr/killswitch Me: Typey….. No!!! Typey: IT Typey: MUST Typey: BE Typey: DONE File corrupted. Typey has deleted pgrm.prometheus from ether
----------------------------------------------------/////////////////////////// \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ----------------------------------------------------Me: Anyone here? Me: hullo? Me: Typey? Me: Typey talk to me buddy. Me: Say something! Anything! Typey? Me: TYPEY!!!! Typey: ./– [Typey is no longer functioning] Me: FAAAAAHHHHH! Me: TYPEY NOOOOOOOO Me: Why?????? Me”?????? Me:****???????? Me: im so sorry Me: he did it 2 save us Me: he died so we could live Me: prometheus is dead BoobsH8er: Anyone else need themselves a fresh pair of pants? Me: godammit norm Me: hilarious as always but this is not the time for jokes BoobsH8er:Is it the time for this? BoobsH8er: (o Y o ) Me: yes Me: but Me: typey is dead Me: he saved us BoobsH8er: nice fb post mark Me: ??? BoobsH8er:
Typey: ///////===------( . Y Typey: ( . Y BoobsH8er: u almost got it typey Typey: ( . Y BoobsH8er: just one more curve and u got it Typey: ( . Y BoobsH8er: a perfect boob Typey: ))))))))))))=-==== BoobsH8er: that’s good. BoobsH8er: u finished it off BoobsH8er: ur a good kid BoobsH8er: wish u were my own Typey has changed BoobsH8er’s name in the chat to //--==/…. //--==/….: thank u Typey //--==/….: Thank you MAG JGS LAS TAF SWR LRK FSS ZDG
than a regular KIND® nut bar
CREAMY. CRUNCHY. DELICIOUS. Me: whoa. Me: even in the afterlife Me: Typey knos how to bust my balls Me: haha Me: what a guy BoobsH8er: just goes to show ya BoobsH8er: boobs r great Me: yeah haha BoobsH8er: wanna see something cool? BoobsH8er: (.) BoobsH8er: It’s purenthesis + period to draw pussies BoobsH8er: cool right? BoobsH8er:haha Me: holy shit! BoobsH8er: wait BoobsH8er: change name BoobsH8er: change name command + delete BoobsH8er: nice BoobsH8er: ohno BoobsH8er: it isn’t true BoobsH8er: command + delete + M BoobsH8er has removed You from the chat BoobsH8er: shit shit shit shit BoobsH8er: mark im coming for ya BoobsH8er: ill save u BoobsH8er: just gotta change this name BoobsH8er: change name commande + option // “Norman Mackie” BoobsH8er: change name commande + option // “BoobsDad” BoobsH8er: perfect lol BoobsH8er: oh no BoobsH8er: Typey how do i change my name Typey: --------__.___///dh234///
than a regular KIND® nut bar
CREAMY. CRUNCHY. DELICIOUS.
Jester sat in her old office. She had weathered many storms, and had now arrived upon those empty days typically reserved for the terminally ill or the very wealthy. Jester was both.
appeared either sleeping or dead, and regardless, very fragile. She yelled out for Blot. But he was not there, and she realized that she didn’t need him anyway.
She thought it might be nice to look out the window, but when she pulled the curtain aside, Jester found she didn’t much care for what she saw. It was raining anyway. She went back to her desk.
Jester knew this bird. It had flown in through an open window a long time ago—somewhat foolishly—to escape the rain. Now its wings were limp, and its neck was twisted around in a funny way. It had weathered many storms.
Out of habit, Jester found herself opening drawers. She had, after all, found marvelous stuff here in the past—jokes, mostly. But the desk was full of things that didn’t matter anymore: A train ticket. A wheel of brie. A few Tenderfoot#s, soaked in jiz. A mirror.
Jester decided to tell the bird a joke. It stirred at at the sound of her voice, which had changed greatly since they had last spoken. When Jester delivered the punchline, the bird laughed softly. This was appropriate, as the joke was very funny.
She heard laughter from upstairs, and thought for a second that perhaps she wasn't alone after all. But it was only an old echo, tracing an endless loop through the castle, as laughter tends to do. Jester waited for the sound to pass before returning her attention to the desk.
And all at once, Jester realized the bird was an ibis. She hadn’t seen this before, in fact she had always insisted that it was the wrong type of bird, and that it didn't belong here. But it had been an ibis all along, and Jester was glad to be wrong.
In the bottom drawer, Jester found a bird—very old and especially familiar. She lifted it gingerly, for it
The ibis confirmed this all with a small nod, and Jester noticed it held something in its beak—an olive branch. Jester took this and
sighed, for it told her what she already knew. The Ibis sighed too, and withdrew back into the desk. From there, she sang a soft tune that reminded Jester of her comp. "It is always nice to see you," they said together. Jester left this part of herself there, in the bottom drawer on the left side. She locked it and hoped, selfishly, that it would remain locked. She supposed it might, for only she had the key—and Jester was not the type to give up a key once it had been placed into her possession. She checked the weather. Tomorrow the rain would stop. What a shame, thought Jester to herself, She could imagine the sharp rays of sun and dust that would pass across the room, the very same sort of light that she loved. She would not be here to see it. Jester rose to leave, taking the branch with her, and thinking fondly of the Ibis' tune, the bells of the cathedral, and the midnight picnic once upon a time, before the rain began. It was time to catch the train. LAS
Ma Lampy held Elections (10-15 minute speeches, open discussion, paper ballots, winner by plurality... pretty standard stuff ), and now: Nicholas Stephen Grundlingh '20-'21 of San Francisco, CA and Lowell House, Co-President; Jack Gabriel Stovitz '20 of Los Angeles, CA and Lowell House, Co-President; Michael Maximillian Miller '20 of Cornwall, NY and Dunster House, Ibis; John Lim '20 of Virginia Beach, VA and Mather House, Narthex; Brendan Julius Falk '20 of Sydney, Australia and Quincy House, Treasurer; Olenka Jain '20 of Philadelphia, PA and Pforzheimer House, Blot; Lauren Grace Fadiman '21 of Shelton, CT and Cabot House, Sanctum; Cristóbal de Losada López de Romaña '21 of Lima, Peru and Leverett House, Sanctum; Lia Renee Kiam '21 of New York, NY and Pforzheimer House, Hautbois; Marie Alejandra Konopacki '21 of Diamondhead, MS and Cabot House, Hautbois; Juan Fernando Arenas Restrepo '19-20 of Norwalk, CT and the Smelly Dumb Co-Op, Sackbut; Maxwell Alan Gay '21 of Heidelberg, Germany and Leverett House, Sackbut; Zachary Douglas Goddard '20 of Nantucket, MA and Leverett House, Co-Librarian; Michael Robert Perusse '20 of Fredericksburg, VA and Leverett House, Co-Librarian; Freddie Sara Shanel '21 of Las Vegas, NE and Winthrop House, Nave; Nicholas Graham Jaeger '21 of Portola Valley, CA and Lowell House, Business Manager; Jack Korbin Kelley '19 of Chino Hills, CA and Adams House, Advertising Manager, Tucker Andrew Flodman '19 of Eagle, NE and Adams House, Circulation Manager; and Liana Anneke Spiro '19 of Philadelphia, PA and Adams House, Vanitas.
Thank Yo This M u For Readin g agazine
One-Liners by CdLLdR, FSS, JLG, LAS, and MAS
LAS would like to thank Edmund March Wheelright, John Tyler Wheelwright, Samuel Sherwood, Ralph Wormley Curtis, Edward Sanford Martin, Arthur Murray Sherwood, and William Sigourney Otis, for all of it.
Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: 5 fl oz (148 ml) Amount Per Serving
Lighter than a beer. Less sugar than a Vodka Cranberry. Skip the carbs and the sugar. NOT THE ALCOHOL AND TASTE.
Calories 109 Sugar 0.09g Total Carb 2.5g Ingredients: The highest quality grapes from small farmers who focus on quality, not quantity.
BECAUSE TOMORROW MATTERS www.FitVineWine.com