Improve you people skills by Hassan Zaghloul

Improve Your People Skills Peter Honey

Asking Questions • Get ideas – how can we do this? • Get a reaction to ideas – what do you think of that? • Check whether someone is in agreement – do you agree? • Clarify something – do you mean? • Get information – what is today's date? • Get opinions – what view do you hold on capital punishment? • Find out someone's needs – what colour do you prefer? • Identify a problem – how often does he do that?

Assertiveness • Assertive • •

behaviour: make statements that are brief and to the point, use I statements, distinguish between facts and opinions…in my experience…my opinion is, avoid you should, use open questions to find out thoughts and opinions, look for ways to resolve problems Submissive behaviour: make long, rambling statements, use may be…I wonder if just…sorry to bother you..you know…sort of, put themselves down…I am hopeless at this…I can't, use phrases that make it easier for others to ignore them…it doesn't matter…it's not really important Aggressive behaviour: make excessive use of "I", use threats : you'd better do it, put others down: you must be joking, use ought to shoul do a lot, attach blame to others: it was your fault

Behaviour modification BMod

• CUES: any external events---> BEHAVIOUR ---> PAY-OFFS • The problem is how to change cues and pay-offs • Altered cues makes it less likely that negative behaviour will occur in the first place; when it does, the alteredthe want • • • • • •

pay-offs ensure that thereed is no longer any advantage in it. Quiet the reverse, in fact: there is now every advantage Be clear and specific about the problem behaviour Identify the cues that trigger the behaviour Identify the pay-offs the behaviour results in Decide what behaviour you want Work out how to change the cues Work out how to use pay-offs to encourage the wanted behaviour

Beliefs • Internal recurring thoughts that have a significant influence on how people act. They are deep• •

seated and not necessarily rational, self reinforcing Break the vicious cycle, instead of getting upset, subject the belief itself to scrutiny and modify it to something more reasonable. instead of “things ought to be my way”, say “I prefer it when things go the way I want them to”; instead of “people should always be competent’, say ‘people are fallible and sometimes make mistakes”; “I ought to worry about dangerous things that might happen”, say “dangerous things will inevitably happen from time to time (there is vast difference between worrying about something that may never happen and taking sensible precautions incase something does happen)

Approaches for Resistance to Change • Negotiate by offering incentive: if the resistance stems from parochial self• • •

interest (ie people are going to lose something of value as a result of the change) Educate by communicating the reason for, and benefits of, the change: if resistance stems from misunderstanding or lack of trust Participate by involving the resister: if resistance stems from different assessments Force and support: if the resistance stems from a low tolerance for change. It is an extension of BMod 6

changing my behaviour • list the behaviour to be changed or improved • put the unwanted behaviours in order of importance • select one unwanted behaviour for change • identify exactly when the unwanted behaviour occurs - the cues that trigger it • identify pay-offs you get as a result of using the unwanted behaviour • be specific about the behaviour you want to change to • can you change the cues so that the unwanted behaviour is not triggered and wanted •

behaviour is workout how to reward yourself whenever you are successful in using the wanted behaviour 7

Collaborative vs Consultative • Collaborative: • I explain the situation and ask for ideas from the

• Consultative: • I explain the situation and ask for ideas from the

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other people and together we agree what needs to be done other people know at least as much, if not more, than you do the task is open-ended there is time to reach consensus the risk of getting it wrong first time around are not unacceptably high (ie there will be subsequent opportunities to review and refine) genuine commitment is essential to the success of this course of action

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other person/ people and then i decide what needs to be done you dont have a monopoly on the information and expertise the task is open-ended a decision must be taken out but not immediately or urgently the risks of the mistake are unacceptably high the numbers of people are no so vast that it is impossible to contemplate consulting them genuine commitment 8

Dealing with Conflicts • Avoid it • deny it exists • circumventing the people with whom you are in conflict • deciding not to make it explicit or raise it • Diffuse it • smoothing things over, ‘pouring oil on troubled water’ • say you'll come back to it • dealing with minor points only, leaving major points • Let it go • Pussy-footing • Face it: most potential: aggressively or assertively • openly admits it exists • explicitly raise it as an issue • Face it Aggressively: being secretive about your real objective; exaggerating your case; refusing to concede that the other •

person has a valid point; belittling the other person’s points; repeating your case dogmatically; disagreeing; interrupting the other person Face it Assertively: being open about your objectives; establishing the other person’s objective; searching for common ground; stating your case clearly; understanding the other person’s case; producing ideas to solve the differences; developing the other person’s ideas; summarising to check agreement/ understanding

definition of feelings vbehaviour • feeling • internal and cannot be observed by anyone else • feelings are not expressed, behaviour does • you can never know how someone is feeling you can only guess or infer it from your observations of their behaviour • you cannot control, other people’s feelings • AN EXTERNAL EVENT (AVOID) —-> INTERNAL THOUGHTS/ BELIEFS (REPLACE - INTERVENE BETWEEN •

THOUGHT AND BELIEF AND THEIR ATTENDANT FEELINGS - THINK OF AN EFFECTIVE HERE-AND-NOW ACTION AND DO IT) —-> UNWANTED FEELING —->HINDERED BEHAVIOUR behaviour • the content of what you say • the way you say it

FIRST IMPRESSION • appearance • behaviour • verbal • non-verbal: • look at face, smile, nod • don’t blink, look into the other person’s eyes • have open hands, uncrossed arms • keep straight, have hands together behind you if you are standing • stay still, no sudden movements, keep straight if standing • move closer to the other person • uncrossed legs • lean back with legs out in front of you • put an airframe in your mouth • lean forward to speak • lean back to listen 11

creative thinking techniques • challenging assumptions: write down the definition of a problem and underline • • •

all words in it that is debatable attribute listing: list all attribute or characteristic of the thing involved in a problem random simulation: use a dictionary to provide random words to gnerate further words which themselves link to the problem brainstorming

criticism • • • • • • •

ineffective use the word ‘you’ offers no analysis of the situation contains no constructive suggestions one person doing all the talking half-truths done in public with other people present

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effective use situational description “ i notice an increase in mistakes” analysis of the problem that pinpoints cause and effect generate ideas on what can be done to improve the situation both people join together to analyse the situation, generate ideas and agree a solution honest, straight-forward and candid given in private 13

disagreeing • flat disagreement or disagree accompanied with some reasons • disagree with reasons, not the person, • dealt with more constructively • interruptions are less likely • disagreeing with a person makes other seek defensive mode • when someone disagrees with you, the most effective antidote is to resist the

temptation to go on the offensive or defensive and ask them for an idea. they will most likely be provoked into being more constructive, and it gives you the right to respond 14

Games • manoeuvre that people indulge in to win and/ or be in a position to discount others • a game always has at least one loser • played by P or C and are outside the awareness of A • hidden agenda or ulterior transaction - dotted line diagrammatically rather than solid lines used to illustrate complementary and crossed •

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transactions. games from C ego: • yes, but • kick me • see what you made me do • love me no matter what i do: • harried executive - looks busy to get people sympathy - looses by reputation of being disorganised games from P ego: • blemish: praise a job well done but spoils the effect by a relatively minor or insignificant imperfection • i am only trying to help you: offers help then retraces back games result in win-lose outcome recognise when the game is played: • has the same pattern of event happened with the same person before • are verbal and non-verbal messages in that person consistent? • is what i expect actually happen? • do i feel bad, exploited put down? STOP THE GAME • go back to your A and try to hook the other person’s A • confront the game by finding some way to express the unexpectedness of the behaviour • ignore the game and find some way of refusing to produce the complementary behaviour

Guilt avoidance • the past is past and there is nothing i can do to change it • nothing can make me feel guilty I choose whether to feel guilty or not • feeling guilty does not make me a better person • they are upset/ embarrased/ annoyed but that is their choice • I've got 3 choices • to stay and feel guilty • to stay and enjoy it • to get up and go • i have the right to say no 16

helpful behaviours • lean forward with hands open, arm and legs uncrossed • look at the oter person • nod and say ‘i am listening’, ‘yes’ • ask open questions • summarise to the other person what you think he said • show empathy by saying you understand what the other person feels and can see things from his point of view • when in agreement, say so openly and say why • build on the other person’s ideas • be non-judgemental • if you have to disagree, give the reason first and then say you disagree • admit it when you don't know the answer • give the other person something, like a name card or a piece of paper with notes • whenever possible, tough the other person 17

idea-having • proposing: • its 11 o’clock, we shall break for coffee? • leads to difficulty-stating more than supporting • suggesting: more likely to win support • its 11 o’clock, shall we break for coffee? • leads to supporting more than difficulty-stating • when someone voices an idea: • use their idea to springboard for your idea • ask yourself: whats wrong with that? • think of alternatives to overcome the snag • best antidote to the common problem of going round in circles

interpersonal skills • behaviours: anything you say and do • face-to-face • a useful outcome • shopping list of skills • discussion with an expert: listening high on the agenda; • you are the expert: communicate clearly and test the other person’s understanding • fundamental skills: (first 3 thinking and last 3 doing) • analyse the situation; • establish a realistic objective; • select appropriate way of behaving; control, your behaviour; • shape other people’s behaviour; • monitor your own and other person behaviour; 19

learning from experience • learning cycle • having an experience • reviewing the experience: look back in a non-judgemental way over what happened during the experience • concluding from the experience: scanning the raw material from the review for conclusions: leaning points • planning the next step: translating at least some of the conclusions into a form where they can be put into

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action when next it is appropriate to do so • what you are going to do • when you are going to do it learning styles: • Activist: I’ll try anything once: having experience • Reflector: I’d like to think about that: reviewing • Theorist: How does that fit with that? concluding • Pragmatist: how can I apply this in practice: planning each stye equip you to carryout a different stage in the learning cycle.

Listening • stages of listening before responding • Hear what the other person is saying • understand what you have heard • interpret what you have understood • Listening formula • give the other person 100% of your attention; • make listening noise ‘yes’, ‘uh-huh’; • look at the other person and nod your head; • paraphrase what has been said to you: as I understand; so what you're saying is; let me check if I've • •

understood you give the opportunity to add more in the way of clarification; postpone thinking what you are going to say next

successful negotiation • Focus on interest, not a position • a position is a decision • interest lies behind a position • the interest is the reason for the decision • interests are much more likely to provide footholds for finding common ground • explore pros and cons of a proposal rather than counter-proposing, which is perceived as disagreement • attack the problem, not the person • stick to the facts, rather than exaggerating - avoid using irritants such as ‘laughable offer’ and keep the emotional • • • •

temperature down by sticking to the facts disagree constructively: give a explanation of why you disagree first and finish saying ‘thats why i disagree’ - the explanation becomes the focus for the other person’s reaction rather than the fact of disagreement being open about thoughts and feelings: reveal what you are thinking ask questions to gain more information and understanding in addition to avoiding blunt disagreement and as a means of putting forward suggestions summarising: test understanding to achieve quality agreement 22

Persuasiveness • aspects of persuasiveness • what you say (content) • how you say it (behaviour) • the starting position of the people you wish to influence • what you say: say it in a chronological order: • an initial benefit statement to catch the interest of the other person (why should i listen to this?) • your idea (what is this about?) • the rationale to back up the benefits you are claiming (whats in it for me?) • diffusion of possible objections before they are raised (can i believe this?) yes, but • a summary of the idea and its main benefits (have I got this right?) • how you behave • strong enthusiastic voice • fluent speaking without errs and umm • use silence and pause instead of filler words as OK, right, you know • look at the other person • use gestures with hands and arms to add emphasis to points 23

Praise • specific praise • reason for praise • praise for better than expected results • praise when deserved and not just on special occasions • praise that is geared in the here and now and does not seek to put a mortgage on the future

Presentation Behaviour • Eye contact on one person at a time for about 5 seconds • strong vocal projection conveying confidence and enthusiasm • use silence and pauses instead of filler words • stationary feet - pretend your feet are cemented to the ground • hands and arms relaxed at your side • vary pitch and pace • use simple visual aids - 75% of all we know comes from seeing 25

Presentation contents • Initial benefit statement designed to catch the interest of the audience • the idea • the advantages, ie direct and indirect results of implementing the idea • evidence, the rationale that proves that the advantages will come from • •

implementing the idea possible objections listeners may formulate before raising them - diffuse objections Summary: a quick recap of the idea and its main advantages 26

Preventing unwanted feelings • hinders the here and now • often associated with past and future events • the present moment is being spoilt by fretting needlessly over past or future events • the aim is to prevent feelings of misery rather than swop them with feelings of ecstasy • an external event —> internal thoughts, beliefs—>unwanted feelings—>hindered behaviour • options to overcome unwanted feelings: • avoid the external event: have an avoidance plan • replace the thoughts and beliefs: replace thoughts that trigger unwanted feelings with others that do not - force yourself to go to the here and now

Process • how someone is tackling a task • people are often ‘blind’, seeing only tasks • Awareness of process in chronological order • Structural awareness: having clear objectives, a plan and time schedule • Role awareness: having a co-ordinator, leader or chair • Behavioural awareness: using behaviour appropriate to the circumstances • Emotional awareness: being open about feelings and having empathy 28

Rapport • process of getting on the same wave length with someone • behaviours involved in establishing rapport: • non-threatening small talk to establish shared experience (weather, travel) • • • •

safe topic so that probably the other have no trouble meeting you half way appropriate use of the other person’s name humour: make an amusing remark about yourself demonstrate, not just feel, Empathy: see the other person view point compatible non-verbal behaviour

Reasons for Resistance to change • Parochial self-interest: people think they will lose something of value • Misunderstanding and lack of trust: perception that change will cost them more • • • •

that they gain - distorted perception due to lack of trust different assessments: people don't usually have the same information Low tolerance for change: emotional inability to make the adjustment saving face peer group pressure

Roles and teams • difference between team and group • a team agrees clear challenging objectives • has a co-ordinator • mix of people that contributes different but complimentary ways • a balance is struck between concern for the task and concern for the process • supporting atmosphere • learns from experience • works hard and plays hard • team increases seeking ideas, suggesting, seeking clarification and decreasing proposing, disagreement, •

difficulty-stating and explaining/ clarification roles in a team • Co-ordinator • challenger • doer • thinker • supporter

seeking ideas behaviour • when to use it: • pick someone’s brains • encourage a reticent person to come up with an idea • stop going round in circles • force a negative person to be positive • involve someone in solving the problem so they have some ownership for the solution • How to use it • Any ideas? • we discussed the problem at length - has anyone an idea on how to solve it? • how can we improve the situation? 32

Transactional Analysis • feelings cause behaviour - both habitual but can be controlled • 3 modes of behaviour used by everyone, called ego states PAC • C is experience from childhood, learnt and taught by parents, perception of events and feelings associated with

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those events. feelings, sorrow or happiness, spontaneous, early learnings cannot be erased but can be updated as we learn from experience • natural C: non verbal (playful, affectionate, rebellious, aggressive, refusing to answer,) verbal (look at me, nobody loves me, thats mine, can’t, won’t, thats fun, i love you, whoopee • adapted child: toned-down version of NC so as to be acceptable to others non-verbal (giggling, teasing, flirting, whining), verbal (please, thank you, i wish, please help me, i don't care, i don't know) P stems from feelings of what is proper, right and wrong it provides discipline and protection • critical parent: critical, punitive, moralising with verbal (always, never, remember ought to, should do, absurd, how dare you, stupid, thats wrong) and non-behavioural (wrinkled brow, foot tapping, sighing, shaking head, folded arms) • nurturing parent: protective, sympathetic and comforting. verbal (there, you poor thing, try again, don't worry) and non-verbal (comforting touch, tapping the person on the shoulder, consoling sound) A gathers information, evaluate it and testing it to make and implement decisions. . A monitors and updates P & C tapes. stems from thinking rather than feeling, being ‘with it’ through verbal (why what where when how who, alternatives, probably, relatively, practical, feasible) and non-verbal (posture indicating interest, listening, thinking) 34

Transactional Analysis • Ego states and my behaviour • use your A to think about behaviour and decide what is appropriate • the A may decide which (P, A or C) is appropriate and gives ‘permission’ to P or C, which is one

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aspect of controlling my behaviour. • behaviour control is absent if the C or P reacts spontaneously and feelings of old tapes take over • The A has the capacity to control P and C Ego states and other people’s behaviour • used to analyse other people’s behaviour • make predictions about how you expect someone to react in response to your own behaviour and monitor their behaviour as you interact: • is P, A or C the most appropriate? • what behaviour do I want? make a decision and send your message • what ego state is the other person coming from? is it wanted or expected? if complimentary, continue. if not, ask yourself what behaviour you want to elicit? can you get it by keeping the transaction complimentary? or is it best to cross the transaction to elicit the response you 35 want

Transactional Analysis how to hook different ego states in others • acknowledge their ego state and invite them to the A by: • asking a question • stating a fact • asking for options, preferences • invite them to move to nurturing parent by: • asking for help • asking for advice • communicating your fears/ worries • invite them to move to natural child by • being one yourself • showing the funny side of the situation • going to nurturing parent • being enthusiastic • showing unconventional or novel things to look at things

behaviour leading to win-win

• be open about your objective - what you hope to achieve • encourage other side to reciprocate and be open about their objective • explore different objectives for common ground • suggest common objectives in an even-handed way, ie that favours what they want to achieve as much as what you want to achieve