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The Child ❖
I’m not OK, you're OK: you're in charge, I'm not.
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observations in our first 2 years
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child response to what the parent said and did —> feelings
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what we want to do originates in the C
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the recorded experience of that little person we once were - the “ashame recorder” fires, makes us feel the same way sas when we were a child
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the decision is recorded forever because the assumptions is a true impression of what life is like for a child. The assumptions the C have may contain some wrong assumptions but it is reality to him.
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I’m not OK comes from total dependence on others, powerlessness
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You're OK comes because the C primary source of living source of living giving physical and emotional contact, or stroking.
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replay of our own recorded feelings when we find ourselves in a situation of dependency and helplessness - when a superior has us in a corner, when we are broke, sick or old, when we are misunderstood, when our best plans turn sour, when we are judged unfairly, accused, clumsy, uninformed
The Child ❖
a child is impulsive, does not take consequences into account and is not particularly concerned about P, an ever-lasting reality.
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a child does not understand what life threatening means. when a child tries dangerous adventures and is restrained or punished, he understands them to mean he has done something wrong, he is Not OK. he has done wrong, but the assumption that he is Not OK is wrong. yet, this is how he feels.
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assumptions by the child are tentative and do not become firm without repeated reinforcement - the child is not built in one day, and neither are his decisions.
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the critical recording is not the face value of what the parents say but the assumptions that the child makes about what is said.
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Re-deciding: ❖
decision to reject childhood assumptions and to assert that we are no longer helpless
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it is a statement of acceptance, not evaluation
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it is an amendment of our constitution
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it does not mean that the earlier decision is erased, for it is recorded and every so often is replayed. but our decision is recorded too
The Adult ❖
A reasons, thinks, predicts and figures out how to do things and consider consequences
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C provides want to, A provides How to, borrowing from learning from parents.
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P is a personality and a state, observable by others in the present as thoughtful, rational, in the here and now
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P and C are internally derived, P is externally derived
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an important function of A is to update P
The Parent ❖
recordings of what the little person saw parents do during a period of the first 5 years
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the parents are OK, no matter what
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shoulds, shouldn't have, must oe else
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child makes assumptions and attributed magic qualities to the parents
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parents are dated: they change, but C assumes what they said and did back then
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the P is unreadable, N or C
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P is an influence and a state
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P is a recording. we do not think with it, we merely play it back
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internal dialogue: applause, warning, accusations, punishment heard when we were toddlers. the person at the other end is C
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people can’t hurt our feelings unless they arouse our P, which hen accuses them internally
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we internalise our parents and are unable to understand that they are humans, not God
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P had a C, too
TA ❖
all of us are three persons in one:
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we act as little child we once were,
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in a parental way copied from what we observed our parents do
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as an objective data processor, thinking, analysing, making decisions and solving problems
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we change from one state to another in any given time
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the state is produced by the playback of recorded events in the past involving real people, real times, real places and real feelings
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getting an idea from one place to another is as important as getting the idea
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the goal is to strengthen and emancipate A through a clear identification of “what type of me is coming on” and assess if the information coming thrones true, reasonable and appropriate for today’s reality.
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TA handles bad feelings and produce good ones
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the purpose of TA is to determine which part of me, P or A or C produced the stimulus and which part of you responded.
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the present reality is that we are not totally helpless even though we may feel we are
The internal dialogue ❖
shift of awareness from the here and now (A perception) to the there and then (old settings of the original parent-child dialogue)
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the dialogue is an ongoing inward talk made up of recordings of thousands of exchanges between you and your parents, verbal and non-verbal, both comforting and castigating, self-justifying and selfdefeating
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the dialogue is dated and plays just below the level of awareness. when we enter into it, we slip from the here and now into a past reality and temporarily leave whomever we are with
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being out of there and now disrupts relationships. staying OK with people generally means staying around.
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understanding how the internal dialogue absents us is essential to maintain complimentary transactions
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no one can hurst our feelings unless they are able to hook our parents, which then accuses us internally
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no one can make you feel inferior without P consent
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people cut out go somewhere else which is a past reality recorded in the original situation of a child, in which we experience torment, fear, a desperate need to feel significant or to live up to those conditions that we once decided must be met in order to be OK
Good Guys and Sweethearts ❖
most-tormented absentee
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the A is disengaged - does not see what others see in his situation
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A parent-dominated person with a depressed child, deprived of strokes because of frequent unawareness, which is due to A function is persistently preempted by P-C dialogue.
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99% tells him he's great, but he spends his energy on that one aloof person who does not like him
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continually discount others
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the good guy is gratified only if there is an important third person looking on: an authority figure
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can’t enjoy sunset because they are too busy taking photo of it to show people back home
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never given permission to discriminate, always trying to please others.
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they adapt to the needs of every person on earth
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aims to please
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the alternative is not a bad guy but an OK guy, living in the present, updating P standards of goodness in the light of new data and awareness of the novel present, thinks before responding, surprising and not predictable, enjoyable, laughs, cries and smiles
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the requirement is to be with people and stay with them
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once the preempting P-C dialogue is tuned out, total computer capacity can be given to awareness 9of others in every transaction.
How to reduce power of internal dialogue ❖
dialogue cannot be turned off by will power
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effective method to discover the content of P
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start with the known of feelings, then work backward to the unknown of early P messages that provoke feelings in the internal dialogue that intrudes into our present transactions
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we cannot erase the old tape but we can avoid situations in which they can overwhelm us in the present
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Steps of Trackdown ❖
I hurt: direct knowledge of our inner life, and acknowledging them
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which part of me hurts: it is always C, the little part in me
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what word best describes my hurt? ugly, my fault, bad, lonely, ashamed, rage, excluded
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what happened, in recent present, to trigger this feeling?
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what is your P saying to you and how is your C responding? e.g. now you’ve done it, if you cant do it, don't do it at all - a crackdown of a feeling of pressure
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what do i do differently now? learn from feelings and file tracked down P-C in A databank, e.g. say to yourself: “some people don't like mw and that is their problem, not mine”
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what can i do differently next time? ask what part of the other person triggered my feeling - A, P, C? perhaps we discover that we always hook P =-dominated people who then come on with disapproval - if your behaviour helps produce unpleasant consequences, examine your behaviour. you can change, e.g. ask questions
Feeling OK ❖
understanding
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action
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review if action is effective: yes: we build new stores of experiences upon which we can draw ->sense of mastery and movement towards a degree of control over our environment. we can protect ourselves
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one of the most important functions of A: doing what needs to be done to feel OK
Diffuse confusion ❖
we need an efficiently working, uncontaminated A to separate the confusion in the external world
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overload <—> confusion
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ineffective ways withdraw: alcohol, drugs, being alone —> suicide postone: do something else like smoking speed up: excess coffee, sugar binges, excessive smoking, cocaine - coffee produces energy but no clarity passivity:
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effective ways
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think: important messages to children: you can solve problems; you can think; you can do things - dream big
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talk:enlist others to help sort out confusion, engage in reality testing, hear ourselves and the responses we elicit from others
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ask for clarification: confront inconsistencies, ask for clarity
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write confusing thoughts on paper
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go to experts for more data because they have information we need - asking for help is a sign of wisdom
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practice precision:
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make big decisions that make a lot of little, daily, repetitive decisions unnecessary
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accept uncertainty: we can reduce confusion but we cannot eliminate uncertainty
A vs P protection ❖
eye contact: keeps us in the here and now. fears gain volume when we stare into the distance
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reading people: notice facial expression and body language turns off the internal dialogue. when we are aware, we can pick up the signals of fear or sadness. we can protect ourselves from hooking someone’s P by not waving red flags. red flags can be identified if we are observant, seeing, reading people - we will know what red flags incite what people
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predicting, not judging: helps us who to trust
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give ourselves options: more than one way to solve a problem
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get into a contract traduce misunderstanding and accomplish the business of every day efficiently and in a friendly way
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withdraw: don’t get involved
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intimidation: keep way from me or else!
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intellectualisation: discounting what others say and engage in nonresponsive, brainy sounding filibuster
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ritual: smoking creating w; neatness; avoiding eye contact white noise, taking off glasses is a sure way not to see the “horrified look”
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P protects us from others but rob us of strokes
Contracts ❖
the contract is not one way
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there is something “in it” for the child of both parties: there is a reward in sight
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the contract is made A - A: not while emotional or C - C. understanding P is not the same as erasing it. Provoked sufficiently, it can beat us unmercifully after the fact or after the act.
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the contract is equitable: there is mutual win if kept and mutual loss if it is not
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the contract is simple, but not too simple: single issue, not a spray of expectations. e.g. management style: (1) PUT IT AWAY (2) WIPE IT UP (3) DO IT NOW
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Breaking the contract is stated in terms of consequences, not punishments - get other side to see the whole picture
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it is written
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the contract is negotiable
Parent Stoppers ❖
we loose consciousness when we lose the A, which happens when the internal dialogue wont turn off
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break the body set:drop shoulders, take a deep breath, let jaws sag, relax
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be in there and now: say what you see around the room out loud
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exaggerate the problem: the situation could be worse
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physical exertion
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go off on tangents: remind yourself of good old memories
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talk with someone: pick up the phone and call
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consider others: if you can drum up empathy for others, why not you?
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take a nap
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pray: take your burdens to the Lord and leave it there
Forms of Stroking ❖
eye contact
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listen
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ask questions: most people like to be asked questions
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use names
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give your name away in case the other does not remember it
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send someone a card, clipping NOW!
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plan
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carry an address book and a pen to write a note to a friend
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do not allow discounting: if u say Hi and get no response, say it again
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loosen up: humor
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doers do and tryers try: take action: substitute will for trying and action for will
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make one stroke every day
Games: control yourself, not others ❖
DDT is a way to understand transactional mechanism of control
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persons act in the roles of Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim in a closed triangle
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the control game, or the “action” is underway when the players change corners: A person confronts someone, who strikes back making the first person on the defensive (V), i.e. roles are switched and you are in the triangle
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we do not confront unless the A is in charge
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helping out is not R if the other asks for help or if you mean what you say when you offer help
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being hurt is not the same as V unless there is a switch to another corner. if you are hurt and then seek revenge, you have jumped corners and in the game
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an example is a P becoming R, leaving the other person as V and feeling Not OK
How to get out of the triangle ❖
to stop DDT is to get out of the triangle -> having other stroke sources
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rethinking about C decisions about how one reacts to persecution. a child cannot leave mother (V, R), a grown up can (A can leave the game).
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A can risk experimental behaviours that break the game pattern in valued relationships
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once you but on the hook, or let someone crooked get you into it, you must play the game to the end and be Not OK
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it is essential to see the hook and not bite.
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If someone is getting Persecutor started, A response is to extricate ourselves from our own internal dialogue -> A efficiently working for us -> taking clues from C and dodging bullets and game hooks
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do everything possible to avoid hurting the C in another person, while looking after your interest
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Silence, with eye contact, searching for the C is the best game stopper of all.
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don’t loose your A. know what you are doing and keep an eye on the C
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Stop and think if you are about to act as P R V. why do you feel the great need to do this? how will you feel the next day? patch it up (R) or feel sorry for yourself (V)
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trading on your misery is a racket, wherein the hurt becomes valuable as stroke-getting currency -> V mode
Games ❖
games are hard to give up because they provide strokes, prove our position, avoid intimacy, structure time or all
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aims of all games: ❖
self-castigation
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justification
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reassurance
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absolution
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revenge
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alleviation of guilt
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vindication
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games are C momentary attempt to get momentary relief from Not OK feelings by controlling others. the payoff leaves him as he was, separated from, yet dependent on, those he wants and needs
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stroke-holding works with people who are driven by P directive “please me”. ignoring such person is a game ploy that rather quickly brings him into line. eager to please, he will do almost anything to reinstate stroking
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3-handed way is to ignore stroke seekers while, in their presence, effusively stroking someone else
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confrontation, with care taken to protect C is a healthy way to attend to problems. ignoring, discounting or ricochet putdowns are not
Conflict Resolution ❖
Consensus: everyone has full say and equal potency
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Concession: one particular habitually gives in, until it seems natural to do so
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Compromise: mutual concession in which neither party gets what he wants. every side has to surrender something
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Cooperation: working together to make possible the greatest measure of enjoyment for everyone concerned. cooperation is agreeing to disagree
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Confrontation: healthy if A is in charge: “there is a problem here and I feel we have to work on it together. i feel terrible and cant go on this way”
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Conciliation: smooth out the rough edges after confrontation - possible if the C wants it and A knows How.
Unhooking ❖
Don’t put down the other person or let him put you down. Don’t be angry. it only heats up the relationship
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give low value strokes “you are looking good”, “your tie matches your shirt”
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Dont be a Persecutor. Rescuer or Victim. keep out of the triangle. thats where the hook is
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Stay OK, but dont flaunt it “things are going pretty well for me - how about you?”, “terrifc, never felt better”
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keep transactions in the AStay in the now
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Protect C in the other person, if possible don’t be cruel, be kind
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Develop other relationships: you can’t get out of the triangle if it is the only game in town
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be consistent: remember the bad times to unhook
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if possible, stay friends
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unhooking is made easier if you recognise that being hooked is essentially an emotional condition
Parent Shrinkers ❖
P-stoppers used to turn off own P. P shrinkers are used to turn off someone else’s P
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P-dominated person is afraid
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P does not think or think. like an operator, it is a recording
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P-dominated person make us feel oppressed
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when P-dominated transaction is crossed by A, communication stops
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coming on P is the way many people protect their C
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escape P: run
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Decommissioning: get the other person into A or C ego state, so there is a here and now communication
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NOT to tell the other person that she is in P ego state - adds fuel to fire
Parent-Shrinker ❖
cross the transaction: “I can see you feel strongly about this. would you care to tell me how you arrived at that conclusion?; ‘it would be helpful to me if you would let me know what it is you plan to do
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Agree: “you are right; you have a point; i see where you are coming from
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Go off on a tangent:
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Cheers: draw out P: “thats marvellous - i wish everyone is so enthusiastic - i would love to have you present your ideas at our meeting to get a good discussion going
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Silence
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move-in: remove barriers. move from behind your desk - they get uncomfortable with their space invaded - they will back away, retreat or be forced to think
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change your mind: P is often critical of someone else’s idea. it takes an A to come up with a better one.
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Could you please state that another way?
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Ricochet: if there is a 3rd party, your response can be to that 3rd party but may be heard by the P person
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Write it down:
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find his child and feed it: most commendable P shrinker: “I am not asking you to, understand, but if you had the opportunity to plan the annual picnic in a way that would really you feel good, what would you change?”
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Be OK: self-esteem to make the above effective. calm self-esteem that holds the flapping canvas in place during stormy weather.
Building children ❖
Awareness of how you feel, where you are, when it is
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Unconditional Acceptance
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Honesty: do not lie to your children
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Talking straight: think before you speak - simple statements direct to the point
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Consistency:
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Hope:
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Repetition
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Tradition
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Anticipation: looking forward to a good time
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Rules that give the child a break
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Actions expressing values: if we tell children we dont like violence, turn TV off when violence - leave books around
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Cheerfulness: humour
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Expectations: ask children to help you tells him he can do things
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Family planning
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Being there to listen