Hate: the Worst of! Book by Calvin Holbrook

ook lvin Holbr Edited + designed by Ca

putting the boot in

Welcome!

Were the London Boys batty boys too?

CALVIN HOLBROOK

Editor + art direction

FISTING WITH

KYLIE! I just can’t get your fist outta my arse!

004

W ON T HAT’S HE H ATE S (apa TERE O? rt fr om

Mel!

)

Loud were played during the making of this book

his isHate: The Worst Of – a collection of malicious material Aww, let us in taken from the antiyer mingeing celeb fanzine I started bastad! back in 2002. Eight years on and six hates later (err, that’s 1.33 issues a year then), the time has come to compile all the best bits together in a book, which you’re now holding in your moist little hands. Initially printed for free Find 12 over late nights and weekends while working at IPC of me! Squeak! Media (thanks guys!), I launched hate as a statement Whe re in response to the growing tide of celebrity mags th ’s and a nation obsessed with them. Now in 2010, WEA e with Twitter and Facebook, SEL? www.hatemagazin e.co.uk we’ve become even closer to our fave celebs than ever before, have private access to their world and communicate k .u co e. azin hello@hatemag with them directly. Hate is never But we’re growing sick of gonna be Respectable! greedy stars such as Wayne Me neither! Rooney who earn as much in a nanosecond as we do in a lifetime. So it’s time to give these liggers a comedy Find out on pg 079! kicking. Enjoy and keep hating!

I need a leek!

HATE’S TOP 5!*

1) Take That. Progress 2) Mel & Kim. FLM 3) Robyn. Body Talk 4) Betty Boo. Boomania 5) Opus III. Mind Fruit

*No copies of Rihanna’s

TRIC AA G GG GYY-- FF TLY R R ZZO ON N EE !! EEEE

http://madebycalvin.bigcartel.com

LIMITED EDITIONS, MULTIPLES AND ONE-OFFS Artworks

Postcard packs Cards

T-shirts

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Other fabulous items (All ARTVERTISEMENTS available online)

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘Give Him Some’, mixed media, 2007

PRIZE CORNER!

WIN ONE-OFF ART PIECES BY CALVIN: 5 HIDDEN IN LUCKY ISSUES! BITCHIN’<ART<BULLSHIT www.hatemagazine.co.uk

ISSUE 6 £3.50

AMY: FREEZING CRACK-FILLED WEE IN LOLLIES!

Help!

“I’m the queen

of ice-pop now!” Oi Wino! I do the pouting!

RIC LL IIM M II TT TLY EE D D DII TT II EED ON O N NUM !! BER : ST

Now you’re the lanky streak of piss!

XXX

GO G OK K ’’ S S FF A AS SH H II O ON N FF II XX R R EE V V EE A A LL EE D D :: G GA AK K !!

Snnnif!

POSH’s TT RR OOUU TT P PO OU U TT

Here’s VB’s fishy lips in an interview she did for The Face in 1997 when the Spice Girls were starting out. Eleven years on and she’s still gurning with the same stupid pout at the first sight of a camera. Fairy liquid? Ajax? Well, Posh, you’re wet, slimy, poisonous, and good for dirt, so I suppose your wish came true...

“We

want

to be

a household name We w an

t to

be a Fairy Liquid

or an

Ajax

” Vic tori

Get y o round ur lips th Posh! is,

I spotted sour-faced ‘comic’ Jack posing inside the March 1988 issue of Jock magazine.

Despite sporting a sizeable erection, he still can’t put a smile on his face. Still, this picture gave me one. Smile, not erection.

BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS JJ AA C CK K D D EE EE

THE GAY GAMES RULES OF PLAY: 1. Go to the gym. Develop tits. 2. Get tattoo of barbed wire or other meaningless symbol. 3. Go clubbing in Vauxhall on E, GHB, crystal. 4. Repeat. 5. Die. 6. Game over.

QUESTION!

Whatever happened to Marmalade magazine?

Apple z your mistakes in life?

Spitting at a policeman cos BA lost your Louis Vuitton bag? Awww, diddums. Throwing a mobile at your maid? Ooh, someone’s got a temper! Nasty Naomi, who the fuck do you think you are? I’ll tell you: you’re just a brainless, ego-centric, spoilt clotheshorse no more, no less. No wonder you’re losing your hair - you’re probably tearing it out cos you can’t control your petulant tantrums. Naomi: get with the programme bitch and sit your supermodel ass down! Don’t go messin’ with hate sista.

Oi, fags! Choke on my fag!

Wouldn’t it be good if you could

People that keep pressing the road crossing buttons when they’re already lit!

CUNT OF THE ISSUE NA N AO OM MII C CA AM MP PB B EE LL LL

I’m gonna donkey punch ya!

then me ‘Bruv’ and People who call

ask for money or fags:

I’m not yo

ur fuckin

g br uv

Mmm, I need my fashion fix, girlfriend!

NIIK N KO OB BEELLLLIIC C

I’m in love with the Grand Theft Auto IV computer game hero. Thank God I dont have a PS2 or I’d be playing with him all day. Like a Lara Croft for the gays, he could raid my tomb anyday!

GAAK G KW WOONN!! SNNNNIFFF! With his new found riches, is this how Gok Wan gets his Fashion Fix? Nah, it’s just an anagram of his fantastic manipulative moniker! I don’t hate Gok, (apart from the overuse of ‘girlfriend’); he’s ace. I met ol’ Wok Nag at an audition to be one of the (cringe) UK Queer Eye For The Straight Guy guys. Amid a hoard of mincing queens (vile Julian Bennett and Sean from Coronation Street), we hit it off, slagging them all off and wondering what the hell we were doing there. We both made it to the second round and then were kicked out, but the producers loved Gak and wanted to give him his own show. And ta-da! One of the winners, Dane, the tall interior designer, tried to pick me up but he was way too posh for me!

3 pm Girls

The

3 pm Girls

Wizbit out- CLIT BIT begging IN THE sideConical LloydsTSB, Stoke 80s TV star Wizbit is Newington making a HIgh comeback after being Street... found begging outside Bungalow 8. Celeb slut Jodie Marsh took pity on Wiz and employed him to be her new vaginal plug.

HE EF FU UN N!! DOUBLE TTH Winnie, Thora and Babs – twatted before Countdown!

Ex-Hear’Say ‘star’ Noel cloned by Myleene Klass then raped by Lottery host Tim Vincent!

Feel my lottery balls! Number 22, now I need a poo!

No hair gel today, Tim?

N A DRASTIC ATTEMPT TO keep up with her punishing career as a model, TV presenter and musician, pin-up Whic mum Myleene fema h former le Klass cloned friend and prese Blue Pet e finge nter tried r ex-Hear’Say colleague r Win to loos n ie in th at th Noel Sullivan so she e party e Tennala ? She dy could be in two places so sin ’s not gle... at the same time! Recent reports stated the half-Chinese beauty took in bummer Noel after he fell on hard times. In fact, we can reveal millionaire Klass employed dole scum Noel as a double – dressing him up in luxury labels and wigs so she could stay at home with her baby!

FATTY PUT ON A DIET

In order to slim down to a size 8, former fatty Noel has been on a strict diet of M&S Meditteranean salads

014

Psst!

I love S&M! Er... M&S!

Klass: great tits

Got a story? Don’t bother texting, the 3pm Girls use braile and have got alzheimers!

BAREBACK THRUSTING

The deception was revealed by 3PM’s Thora at the BBC after recording a Songs of Praise special: “I went to the disabled loo and saw what looked like Myleene being taken bareback up the rear

by fellow Lottery results host, Blue Peter ponce Tim Vincent. It was only when Myleene’s wig fell into the pan during a vigorous thrusting that I realised it was actually Noel.” The real Myleene had no comment as she was too busy putting the final touches to her application to be president of the International Monetary Fund.

WINO POISONS FANS WITH PISS!

urprised fans given free ice pops by Amy Winehouse will be horrified to discover they actually drank the singer’s crack-and-smack filled urine! Sick Amy, 54, has taken to freezing her own putrid piss so she can suck on the drug-filled piss pops in public – ensuring she can get her fix in front of an unsuspecting public and paparazzi. We tried to reach Amy for a comment last night but she was busy creating new shit pops.

Wino: thin stick of piss

WHERE’S MADDIE? Find missing Madeleine McCann in the crowd scene below and win absolutely nothing at all!*

THE

EV E V II LL EYES

Darlinks, guess what I just saw...

Jamelia, dressed in knock-off Peacocks, handing out discount call cards outside the Kingsland Centre, Dalston and sucking on chicken bones Somethin’ about chew! from a discarded KFC bargain bucket… Leona Lewis, head to toe in Christopher Kane, strutting past Jamelia, laughing and spitting into her KFC bucket… Christopher Kane, buying a McWhippy, Och aye, I McDonalds, love a chocolate Dalston… finger! Madonna, on these very pages, trying to conceal little Maddie under her less-than-ample right bosom... Kelly Osbourne, Agyness Dean, et al in the fucking

Blub. Another one to add to the portfolio!

*Find her in real life though and you’ll be minted!

that Myleene has delivered daily as part of her contract.

015

MILL!

You VILE bitch!

Lady Mucca sets sail with twisted new plan

OLLOWING her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney, cheap tuppeny whore Heather Mills is using her cash to build a powerhouse of self-promotion which she has named Heather’s Mill. The hooker’s four-storey windmill HQ will act as a site for total self-promotion and ego boosting. Mucca has spent thousands employing female Polish immigrants in jobs; secretaries will churn out made-up press releases about charity work; a factory line is in operation on the second floor for Mills’ blow-up sex GRUNT! doll due out for Xmas (complete with one leg); and in the basement, a brothel

ART TARTS G&G go cake crazy!

HREE PM’S favourite art studs Gilbert & George were arrested yesterday after being caught in the cake section of Liverpool St Tesco. The pair were seen arguing over whether to shoplift Kipling French Fancies or jam donughts

T 016

EV E V II LL EYES

Darlinks, guess what I just saw!

Psst! Which ch

London Paper every day… Kylie in Oxfam, Kensington a t host a sked show High St, searching B a tit w abs fo ank r desperately for ELTONCOMESUP TRUMPS! It was at Sketch ? a bit her sense of style... Amazingly, Mucca has that n Parky ight... Anne Diamond, employed hard-up celeb out of it on pal Elton John; feeding him K, the toilets at beans to ensure a constant Horse Meat supple of hot air to propel Disco… the mill’s Swarzovski crystalJade Goody encrusted at LearnDirect, blades to Staines... Sadie generate Frost, dead, stabbed electricity. in the head by junkies, We tried to in a gutter, Primrose contact Mills Hill... Trisha for a comment Goddard last night but I’ve got the trying on she had three key, I’ve got wigs and cocks in the secret! asking for a her gob. discount, AfroWorld, Peckham High Street... Fern Brittan’s gastric band in a drain outside the OXO Tower... Fern Brittan’s breakfast in a drain outside OXO Tower... Martika, sucking a bong outside Fresh & Wild, for their afternoon tea and Soho… Calum Best, then sticking their fingers in the scratching his crotch, patiserries and feeding each the walk-in GUM clinic, other (see below) to decide Victoria Station... which cakes were the tasiest. Tracey Shaw We called the pair to find knocking back out the facts cheap chambut they pagne and KP were busy Skips, then cruising rushing to for hot Vom! the loos, Bengali boy Pitcher thugs Well & Piano, in Brick juxtaposed! Godalming... Lane.

specialising in S&M and watersports fun.

*What are you reading this for? There’s nothing here. Loser.

HEATHER’S

THE

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘HIM’, mixed media, 2010

Tim Vincent Not to be confused with hardcore Cazzo porn star Tim Vinzent, Tim with a C got my flag flying at full mast while presenting Blue Peter, but we first spotted him acting in ITV’s Children’s Ward where he quickly became a teenage wank l ge ir a h s se fantasy. Tim u

and lives in Chiswick Chiselled-jaw Vincent has been dogged by rumours of homosexuality but claims to have split with longterm girlfriend, Liz, after he moved to New York to become a TV presenter (although the

pair never appeared in any Hello!-type mag spreads). Now annoy-

ingly clean-cut and smug, Tim is back in the spotlight in the UK following an appearance on Dancing On Ice. So, does he take it up the Batty! jacksy or what? We don’t know, but let’s look at five faggy Tim facts: FIVE FAGGY TIM FACTS 1) He hosted Mr Gay UK 2000 in Birmingham. 2) After Blue Peter, Tim went on to host The Clothes Show. He

likes nice clothes.

Gay or not, Tim’s so in love with himself he probably masturbates while admiring himself in front of a full-length mirror.

YOU WOULDN’T STAND A CHANCE.

knob

Stuart Miles

“Here’s one I laid earlier...”

Ooh, my cuticles could do with a buff! Welsh wonder boy Gethin is supposedly shagging opera singer Katherine Jenkins. Probably straight, but who cares if we can look at him in trunks?

Gethin

Simon Thomas With his highlights, Simon looks gay, but as the pic suggests, he

prefers pussy. Miaow! Hands off, batty boy!

A Norwich City fan, he married Gemma in 2005 and is now a SKY sports presenter. No bother.

RI P original Blue Peter bummer, Micha el Sund in, died of AIDS

Call Stuart up and call him a big ol’ bummer - here’s his number: 07989 395718

Blue Peter Bummers

3) He used to be a model and clearly spends copious amounts of time on his own appearance. 4) He uses hair gel. 5) He lives in Chiswick.

! ! S S R R A A T T SS COCKS ADVERTISEMENT

- Can you hold a note for more than two bars? And dance?

Calling all cock suckers!*

- Yes? Well, get lost, cos we’re looking for five talentless boy band members for our new band, The Cheesy Poofs. - If you’re under 16 and don’t mind taking it up the rear (and have good hair), read on!

* Yes, that means no lesbians

HOW TO ENTER 1 Mince on down to your local audition and show us what you’ve got – your cock, not your voice. 2 If selected for round two, you’ll be tested in preening, mincing, rimming, felching, and (maybe) singing. 3 If you’re overweight or have got acne, don’t even bother to show your ugly face. 4 Check the website for an audition near you: www.bendoverlittleboy.co.uk

e Fun House Pat fucked th twins and their mum!

Knob cheese!

Andy Crane

Camp classics Toby Anstis Also a graduate of the BBC broom cupboard, lispy and lusty Heart FM DJ Anstis made a minor comeback when he bared his pert bottom to Faith Brown on I’m a Celebrity! But is Anstis sharing his

beautiful bum with I love a pearl necklace!

the boys or with the girls?

Toby Anstis is a glass either a ed y jo en y ob T complete closet case a marketof wine with Kim or ing man’s Metrosexual Cattrall in Teatro! dream. Apparently he shagged Nicole Appleton when he worked

on The O-zone (Christ, even I’ve seen her minge - Ed) and claims to have had a long-term Feed girlfriend, me! Stephanie, but Tobes describes himself as single and only ‘maybe’ wanting kids on his MySpace. A George Michaelfan, Wham’s Club Tropicala is his favourite karaoke song and he wishes he’d written George Michael’s A Different Corner (“a powerful emotive sentiment”). Talking on a website about Soho, Anstis says one of his favourite ever moments includes “Meeting Kim Cattrall in Teatro and having a glass of wine with her.” POOF, THEN.

Lesbe friends with Tobes at myspace.com/tobyanstis

Crane by name , crane by natu re, skinny-legged Andy, ex of BB C and Motormouth , married with three kids. So not gay, then.

025

Ooh, Ags, this one’s a right mucky wee whore!

Each month Kim and Aggy put on their Marigolds and dig around in the depths of a celebrity. This month: Mark Croft’s lover, Kerry Katona

12% I need some mayo for me chips!

4% Why am I so fat?

9% Why can’t I look like Delta? Bitch. 15%

25% Did I tip-off OK! that I was having my nervous breakdown this Tuesday?

SPAM!

0.5%

I love me kids, me!

18% 16% Where’d I put

I’m starvin! Gizza me fookin’ Pass us a a B+H? pickled cuntin’ glass of egg, la! Merlot, Mark!

BRAIN Kim says: “We analysed what

TITTIES Aggy says: “Under Kerry’s massive 40GG dangers we found a family of cockroaches living off sweat and decayed McCain Homefries! They must have moved in while she was on I’m A Celebrity! A bit of vinegar will kill off the beasties and have her baps sparkling!”

I’m a Celeb baby, Get Me out of Here!

FANNY Aggy says: “As well as

MATA

LAN

I love licking Kerry’s prawn ring!

finding grey hairs wrapped around Kerry’s clit - proof her PR Max Clifford loves eating out – we found an entire Iceland Prawn Ring and Mini Thai Bites collection inside Katona’s collasol cunt!”

ANUS Kim says: “So that’s where Kerry keeps her septum! This nasal necessity now serves a dual purpose: a mini butt plug and preventer of anal leakage – Kerry’s gigantic backside has been dripping excrement ever since Mark started doing lines off her rectal opening. But no change there then – she’s always been spouting shit! VERDIT Aggy says: “This scraggly ol’ crackhead is fit

026

for the knackers yard! Her wee new baby’s gonna be a walking hyperdermic. Scrub her down with some bleach Kimmy and feed her to Jordan!” THIS IS SICK! www.crimson-moon.org/kml

*This actually adds up to 109.5% by Kerry never did get her GCSE in maths

few thoughts Kerry actually has to see how filthy her mind is.”*

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘Rosebud’, mixed media, 2010

A BOD B Y

KINK!

, from Bad Boys Matthew Pateman, 37 g Paula Yates... Inc, talks pop and pokin

W W

alking down Carnaby Street one day, I was cruised by Matthew from Bad Boys Inc (BBI) and his killer cheekbones. The boyband - Matt plus David, Ally and Tony - had six Top 30 hits but were no match for East 17 or Take That (but they were bigger than Worlds Apart). Truth is, it was David I used to wank over. After tracking down the Bad Boys Inc fansite on Myspace, Matt agreed to chat about BBI and his new band, JEAN.

Hate: BBI were formed by Ian Levine and so were Big Fun. Phil from Big Fun had to date Ian to get in the band. Did you, too?

“Ha ha! I was the lucky one! I got a phone call from an agent asking if I could sing as Ian was putting a boy band together and looking for a singer as lead singer Richard Traviss (‘famed’ for poking Denise Van Outen) had walked out. My audition consisted of singing Careless Whisper down the phone and dancing to Could It Be Magic at Ian’s house. I had long, curly hair, a goatee and looked like a young Antonio Banderas meets ‘Mad’ Lizzie Webb, in my leather trousers and skin-tight waistcoat. I had to take my top off, but that’s as far as it went! I’ve heard varying stories of the other guys from Bad Boys’auditions, but for some reason the ‘audition process’ was never discussed...

Did you get on with the others? “David was in the studio recording lead vocals to our debut sinBummers! gle. I had to go there Ally and try out in front of everyone and he was giving me evils - Vicky Pollard style - and the decision was made for me to be lead singer after all. So we didn’t hit it off straightaway! There was a bit of tension between us in the early days; nothing nasty, no hair pulling or bitch slapping.

Ally was a bit of a homophobe when we first met

joined the band when I was 21. I’d always known I was gay and was told by Ian at my audition that I’d have to keep it quiet! As I said, Ally was a bit homophobic and really uncomfortable when we were performing in gay clubs. He had a strange archaic view of ‘the gays’. Strangely, he was the most protective of the boys during the Attitude interview.

It must be hard to deny who you are to please your fan base? “The early 90s was a strange time and we were definitely told being openly gay would harm sales. It was really tough for me as I’d been feeling comfortable in who I was and had come out to friends at college. To be

given her and shove it up her arse until I found her GSpot! She’s Flick my probbeanie! ably Tony been on Jeremy Kyle since with her four babies; Tony, David, Ally and Matthew!”

BBI always looked so clean-cut... “I’d never tried drugs before the band. My first experience was watching coke being chopped out on a grand piano at Pineapple Dance Studios! I’ve luckily never become

“A 14-year-old girl asked if I’d like to take the free Bad Boys Inc pencil I’d just given her and shove it up her arse until I found her G-spot!”

and got funny if you got too close to him. Tony was always a bit mental (in a nice way) and was always flexing his pecs and rubbing his six-pack. I remember reading a feature in Attitude that was really harsh – pressurising you to come out. “They were

like rottweilers! It

Matthew

was the worst interview I had. I came out to my family when I was 19 and

shoved back in the closet and thrust into the public eye at the same time was a head fuck. Journalists would be constantly probing you and trying it on with you too. Somehow I survived but it did not sit comfortably with me.

a pill monster and during the band I opted for the ‘Gary Barlow’ drug of choice and stuck to Ginsters. I had a thing for Caipirinha’s and once had 15 at Groucho, when I’d only popped in for afternoon tea. It was also here that

friends had always been there for me but I was on the road for most of the time so felt pretty lonely and isolated. On our first ever gig in Bournemouth, a 14-year-old girl asked if I’d like to take the free Bad Boys Inc pencil I’d just

the urinals as we chatted in a drunken slur... As for sex, one member

I had to remember stories for interviews regarding my loss of virginity and teenage fumblings. My family and

I got to see Robbie Williams’ cock at

Yeah but no, but.. etc..

David

029

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘Love’, mixed media, 2007

t was while waiting at my branch of Specsavers for a long overdue contact lens check-up that I noticed something most amusing. While getting over the fact that the eyecare chain had stopped publishing its riveting inhouse magazine, I turned my attention Mmph, Scooby tastes to a photoframe Pledge! on the wall. On closer inspection (well, I was having an eyetest), the frame features ‘thank you’ letters and signed pics from ‘celebs’ that had received treatment at

GAIL PORTER

Split from Toploader hubby, went mad, tried to top herself. Hair and eyelashes fell out. Now seen falling out of Circus with Jodie Harsh every week.

I’m a wanker.. that’s why I went blind!

LIMAHL

Former Kajagoogoo singer last seen as a guest on Donnie Osmond’s BBC 2 gameshow, Identity. Tragedy more like.

So there you have it. Proof that while Specsavers TCR may help you to see, your FRANK BRUNO life will collapse The ex-boxer into a pile of stinklost the plot ing shit shortly completely and after. Please excuse ended up living me, I’ve got to in Champneys end this story or some such right here I’as lost place for me head innit! and rush free (hmm, to the maybe he’s got hospital an idea? I to d ie for my tr , ad Gail went m feel a nervous next breakdown round r e h coming on...) of and then lf e s r e h p to chemo. Bye! CHRIS TARRANT

ops. hair fell out. O

the store. But maybe these celeb pond-scum should not have been so quick to give their praise – it looks like they’ve been hit by some sick and twisted Specsavers curse...

036

Got caught poking some old bird and wife Ingrid divorced him for oodles of cash. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Ingrid does!

Meet my new muse!

TOP 10 USES FOR TOM FORD’S SLAPHEAD NO.121: BOG ROLL LADY

ELL PP HE H

Dear

*Lorraine accepts no responsibility for wrecking your sad, piss-poor life as a result of her totally made-up advice

Britain’s top agony aunt tells you how it really is,

Lorraine Tell me ya shitty wee problems and I’ll fix ’em petal!

you pathetic excuse for a human*

Dumped cos I look like an egg Dear My civil partner I have split Lorraine and and now I feel so

sad. How can I get over it? Matt L, Hampstead Lorraine replies: Ooh, Matt, ya wee boiled egg, dropped like a sack of wee shit, eh? I see ye live in NW3 so you’re certainly not the only gay in wee Hampstead village are ye? No, forget the hubby (ex-hubby, sorry) and get yerself lubed and poppered up and down the Heath quick-smart. You’ll soon be among some shooting stars - bush queen George Michael and yer bezzie mate Walliams. Failing that, just get yerself back on the scene and start swinging round the pole at Shadow Lounge. You’ll soon pick up some gold-digging twink eager to get his mitts on your cock ‘n’ cash. Och, that reminds me of the time that wee devil Micheal Underwood took me and

Jenny Falconer there and forced us to snort oodles of ketamine in the wee-wee parlour - we were all smacked off our boobies on the TV for days after! Och-aye, it was super I’m tellin ya!

PEACHY LIFE I nearly died

Dear Lorraine

chasing the dragon like my mum and I’m scared Daddy will go ballistic. What on earth shall I do? Peaches, King’s Cross (via the King’s Road) Lorraine replies: Ooh, Peaches you stuck-up, priveleged wee Princess, do ya think I give a wee shit? Next time make sure it’s pure then ya’ll be in heaven with ya wee tragic mummy and Michael. Try phoning up that prick Jeremy Kylie, ya dirty wee whore, I’m sure he’d have ya on.

WHAT A CHEEK!

My girlfriend dumped me Dear Lorraine and now I think she went

out with me just for fame. I’m so depressed. Help. Lembit, House of Commons

Lorraine replies: Ooh, aye, Lembit! Of course she only went out with ye for fame and money; you’ve got a face like Stephen Hawking chomping on a bag full of magic mushrooms! No, simply call up Ulrika Jonsson and she’ll help you feel better; the wee tart’s not been on the box for a while and having one more bairn by another different fella will do wonders for her fading publicity. Wee hussy.

NUMBERS’ UP I’ve quit my job after a Dear Lorraine

pay row and feel shite. What can I do next? I’d like to do a show like yours. Any tips? Carol, Herts Lorraine replies: Oh Carol, with ye numberical skills I’m sure ye can get a wee job behind the counter at Natwest, no? Step yer skinny wee pins anywhere near ma sofa and I’ll simply snap them in two and stick them up yer wee noo noo.

SMACKED OUT I’m addicted to

Dear Lorraine

prescription pills and worry I may OD. Help!

Heath, NYC Lorraine replies: Heathy boy, why stay off the smack when the malnutrition it brings gives you those fabulous wee cheekbones like wing mirrors? What you need.... Eh? What? He’s snuffed it? Ack, fook, this was meant to be printed in t’last friggin’ issue!

Sticky sapphic situation

Dear Tina,

I’ve started dating a girl for the first time. Thing is, I’ve never had sex with a woman before. How do we do it? Lindsay, LA Tina says: Yo lesbo Lindsay! Down Nutbush way we shoot dykes dead at point-blank range, but I see nothing’ wrong in a bit of rug-munchin’ to get yer kicks! If I may be so bold, two women can

achieve pleasure by vulvic rubbing and clitoral stimulation: both lay down and open your legs like a pair of scissors, join together and get busy! Me and Dionne Warwick used to be scissor sisterz before I got jiggy with ol’ flying fists Ike, and it was Simpy The Best – yee-ha! If you miss penetration too much, simply buy youselves a double-headed donger and enjoy a bit of vaginal and pooper probing too! Bye love.

DDIIRRTTYY TINA!

What’s love godda do, godda do with it?!

The world’s crudest sex columnist!

PLAY GROUP! Dear Tina,

I want an orgy with my pals Dotty the Dog and Bingo the beaver. Any advice? Montgomery, the Get Along Gang, Florida Tina says: Whoah, Montgomery! There’s a horny Moose loose in the Clubhouse Caboose! Withnames like Dog and Beaver, whip open the GHB and your pals and y’all be partying till dawn in a Get Along Gang Bang! I actively encourage animal threeways but remember:

know your Nutbush city limits when it comes to group sex. Yee-hah!

MOUTH ALMIGHTY I had three Dear Tina,

cocks in my mouth last night. Is that bad? Heather, Brighton Tina says: Heather, you one greedy ho! But there ain’t nothin wrong with that; after Macca’s wrinkled ol’ chopper you deerve a feast. Enjoy honey.

PENELOPE’S GUIDE TO CRUZING! No:1

“Hola chicos y chicas? Que tal? Todo bien? Perfecto! Venga! Ere iz my cruzin’ tip for zis issue: hang around ze lavotories of big shoppin’ shops and you’ll find more on offer than what you expected! Pedro told me it worrrkz wonderrrz in El Corte Ingles!” Hasta llego guapetons! Penny xxx

039

THE ANTI-CELEBRITY READ £3. ISSUE 5

MADONNA’S SH S HO OC CK K CONFESSION:

Who you calling an old nag?!

“I’ve dumped

Guy for my pet horse!”

Parp! S TTEE A S A LL G GA A II LL PP O OR R TTEER R ’’S SB BA A LLD DN NEE W W S S TTYY LLEE !!

I’m dead!

A CUTE GUY JUST TO FILL SPACE

Fabulous designer Katharine made a beeline for us at the Published and Be Damned comic fair and wanted to buy the entire collection of hates. Sadly I only had the originals of the first issues so had to I’d rather read hate than fur decline. She rocks.

FAN OF THE MONTH KA K A TT HH AA RR IIN N EE H HA AM MN N EE TT TT

www.hatemagazine.co.uk hello@hatemagazine.co.uk

Maybe next time suckers!

elcome to issue 5 of hate – the only mag to sell out faster than Stella McCartney at TopShop! The 3PM girls reveal how Madonna really broke her arm (slut) on page 06, steal Gail Porter’s bald new style on page 12 and read why Neil Tennant loves to hate Hello slags! so much on page 014. Oh, don’t forget your cut-out-and-keep Cheryl Girls Aloud This issue we tried bukkake, page 017. She loves a bit, does Cheryl. I hope but failed to get interall this provides you with a breathe of fresh air in thisviews with Fuzzbox, stinky, saturated age of celebrity we are caught up in. David Bad Boys Inc, Kim Appleby, and Let me know what you think and keep checking Shampoo. Bummers. hatemagazine.co.uk for updates. CALVIN HOLBROOK Editor, designer, illustrator, tart.

BACK ISSUES

042

Hands off, paedo!

Issues 1-3 sold out. Issue 4 available from the website. More twisted and peverse than the Krankies, och aye!

Do you need a writer, illustrator, designer? I am currently working freelance in these areas and am available to help. If you like what you see, email me at: hello @hatemagazine.co.uk. Right, PJ Harvey, i-D replica cover image, silkscreen, 2005

PJ Harvey

CUNT OF THE YEAR JJ II M MM MY Y CC A AR RR R Two: my erect dick in inches

Old people on

the Tube

t when you

u like shi t look at yo

tha

Apparently the 333 is going to be turned into a Sainsburys and Bricklayers a Starbucks. Vicki Pengelly finally sells out?

offer them your seat

*Go to www.jimmycarr.com/askfaq.php to ask Jimmy why heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s such a twot

In 2005 came the most insipid, vile presenter with the sort of face that makes babies shit in their nappies. With a personality akin to the shit Top 50 Ever!!! programmes he did for Channel Five. Jimmy Carr? Car CRASH we wish!

043

Here’s a pic I recently found (left) of ponce about town and Sienna lover, Matthew. It’s from when I was clubs editor at Boyz and he was out at the old LA. Witness the appalling Miss Selfridge vest and dodgy bob. Proof that fame and money really can buy you style (now, right).

Ya mingeing bastards!

BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS

MA M ATTTTH HEEW WW WIILLLLIIA AM MSSO ON N

Snap up limited edition

fluro porn paintings by calvin holbrook.

Tracy Emin loves em! hatemagazine.co.uk

People that te

Fat women you don’t

seat to on offer your Tube who turn out

ant…

to be pregn 044

the

nt the street an d bump i in

TOP 10 USES FOR TOM FORD’S SLAPHEAD NO 243: POST-IT NOTE

Twot

oy ou

This is a sticky situation...

hh aa ttee ss

Kate Thorn to n is a

Kais ei er Ch

do g

ck su

ck co

TOP TIPS FOR DOLE SCUM #1:

While food shopping, breaking biscuits on the shelves can be incredibly satisfying

Get yourself noticed. Fuck Borders. I dropped off issue 4 of hate in the menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lifestyle section of the Charing Cross Road store, right in front of GQ. Fuck Dylan Jones too.

NA N AD D II A A suckitdarling!

REBEL AGAINST SOCIETY DDRROOPP LLIIFFTTIIN NG G

DICKIE’S BACK!

Eighties rockers Europe are to re-record classic hit The Final Countdown in a tribute to 3PM’s spunkiest dead pin-up, Richard Whiteley. Cashing in on the grey pound, the video will feature a cameo from Carol Vorderman doing Soduku I’m dead! with her baps out.Trollop.

The 3 pm Girls

3 pm Girls

Winnie, Thora and Babs – twatted before Countdown!

Madge H Hu un ng g U Up p on horse love! Star dumps Guy for a nag

Fans of Madonna will be left stunned today by our exclusive! revelations that the star has split from hubby Guy Ritchie to Everybody needs start a new life good Neighbours! with her horse, Orchard (top right). Our hidden snapper spotted the singer, 63, romping in delight with Orchard and pal Buttons (below) at the MTV European Music Awards. Rumours circulated earlier this year when Madonna apparently sustained cracked ribs and a broken hand from a riding accident. In fact, it was the result of a freak accident when Orchard’s sphincter clenched during a bizarre fisting incident, instantly paralysing Madge’s hand. Secret pointers to MINGE! the sordid af fair can

046

Psst!

Whic h ex-fo alcoholic otie s to fin tar tried ge Winn r rape toilet ie in the s On? H at Hard e on his wasn’t bes beha viour t ...

be found on new album Confessions.., with the songs Forbidden Love, Jump and High How all thought to be about Madonna’s lust for Orchard and his gymkhana skills. Unbeknown to Guy, Madge first showed her new love off in public when riding him in New York to publicise an appearnce on the David Letterman show. The so-called Lady of the Manor first met Orchard, who has a 53-inch penis, when he was an extra in the Don’t Tell Me vid, during Madge’s cowgirl phase. We tried to contact Madonna last night but she was too busy inserting sugarlumps and straw into certain orifices to comment.

Got a story? Don’t bother texting, the 3pm Girls only use braile and have got alzheimers!

Pete’s foiled

Smackhead Pete Doherty is to launch his own brand of tin-foil for heroin lovers. The junkie dandy, who has inspired East End cunts to dress identically in pork pie hats and ball-clenchingly tight grey denim, launches his foil, Pete’s Paper, in Whitechapel Sainsburys Smack my next Monday. Crackhead lover Kate bitch up! Moss will be modelling the foil by the Lottery stand, that’s if Pete can drag her out of the frozen goods fridges with all the bottles of Stolly she’s nicked from the booze section. Pete’s Paper will retail at £6.45 with all proceeds going to Dave the dealer within seconds of you handing your cash over

Fern FeedersTM hit the high street soon The This Morning host just can’t stop eating...

Foxy fatty Fern Britton has cloned herself thousands of times over to create socalled Fern FeedersTM! The resulting Ferns will be chained to the nation’s high streets to act as human rubbish bins, consuming as much waste as possible. Portly Fern, 59, came up with the idea while stuffing herself stupid in McDonalds. “I looked out the window mid BigMac and saw someone

chuck some fries to the floor. Well, I thought, ‘I could have eaten those as well, you fucking wasteful piece of shit’.” “My celebrity chef Phil – no guessing why I married him – paid Feed me to for me to be cloned see my flange! in my bid to eat the nation’s waste.” To encourage the public to use Fern FeedersTM, each Fern will flash its boobs and flange when fed something.

SE A N C E S P O T !

This month: Courtney Love

Frequent dabblers with the devil, the 3PM girls got in touch with Courtney’s ex, Kurt Cobain, and he passed on this message to themoney-grabbing failure: “You let Alan Partridge stick his knob in you? Now do you see why I blew my bloody brains out you trashbag?”

THE

EV E V II LL EYES

You’ll never believe what I saw...

The remains of Kylie’s cancer removal being pecked at by seagulls, St Kilda Beach, Melbourne, Oz… Julie Goodyear dogging at the Staines Bypass with a fag in one hand, a cock in the other… Channel 4s’ Krishnan Guru-Murphy Alright cruising the toilets cock?! at Borders, Angel… Jordan and Peter’s bosseyed baby Harvey abandoned in a Louis Vuitton bag with a Marlboro Light in it’s gob, round the back of JD Sports, Brighton… Rachel Stevens weeping into her NuttyChoocyFrappeLatte as she My ma’s an reads Music Week ol’ slag! to find out she’s been dropped while Jon SClub ponces by spitting in her face… River Phoenix in Fresh & Wild, Stoke Newington… Peggy Mitchell shoving a pint glass from the Vic up Fern Britton’s arse right below these very words…

You’re goin DAHN!!!

047

The 3 pm Girls

3 pm Girls

THE

EV E V II LL EYES

God Almighty: it’s Lauren Laverne! Ex-pop star to take on her biggest job to date

Following her recent high profile appointments as XFM breakfast host and CD:UK presenter, we can announce Lauren Laverne, 12, has been handed the job of God, following the shock resignation of the big man himself. The 3PM girls can exclusively! reveal that the ubiquitous ex-Kenickie star will take up the role early in

2006. God himself is said to have quit following recent disasters such as the Iraq war, Tsunami and Hurricane Katrina. Laverne said: “It’ll be tough fitting these new duties into Psst! my bustling Whic schedule, make h female tried over cou but I hope p t tittie o lick Th le or sa to rid the In Ne t the Chil a’s ed dre world of It’s n after-par n ty? ot wh famine and a t she was w e a r in debt, or at g… least put a smile on people’s faces with my natural wit, chirpy northern manner and sparkly boob tubes and heels!” Laverne vehemently denies rumours she orally pleasured the Lord to win the job from other candidates including Terry Wogan, Betty Boo, David Dickinson and Samira from the Channel 4 News.

KATE’S BUSH! Flange!

048

I’ve not seen a sniff for 12 years either, mate!

You’ll never believe what I saw...

Sienna Millar dead, stabbed in the head on Primrose Hill... Ziad Ghanem getting fucked up the arse by Dale Winton while camp twat Anthony Cotton from Corrie jizzed in his mouth, Chariots, Limehouse... Luella Bartley high on crack,The Joiners Arms, Hackney Road… Nichola Big Brother blowing off Trevor McDonald at Stunners, Cable Street…

Hmm, did I wipe my bottom this morning? I’ll call David...

Posh’s T T h o u g h tt Th ho ou ug gh ht o o ff ttth h ee d d a y of he da ay y No.521

lee williams

050

Ten years ago â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;heroin chicâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; was at its peak and a group of anorexic boys led by Lee Williams vomitted their way onto the catwalk. I first met Lee when he came to do a photoshoot on the isle of wight and I was assisting my stylist friend at Attitude on the pics - I was 16 and it was a dream, a break from shoplifting at Woolies in my lunch hour and masturbating the summer day away. A St Martins dropout, Lee was painfully thin and, so the stylist assured, a real smackhead. This was one of his first jobs and he had a big black bob. We got on well as the day progressed and shared an innocent kiss in the car before I was dropped off home. We spoke often on the Lee had a wart on his left finger and a wonky front tooth

models we’ve loved

models we’ve loved phone after that, him in London, but things turned sour. I bumped into him years later when I arrived in London, working the door at Freedom. Now of course he’s an actor and was last seen in Teachers. Kylie’s ex James Gooding was the

other model on the shoot and he was incredibly sexy if completely simple. His penis looked huge,a fact later confirmed by my pal Suzanna who told me of the nightshe shagged him, and of that when he tried to piss on her in the bath, she

refused, only for him to go mental and throw her clothes out the window.

What a brute.

051

St S te ea al l h he er r s st ty yl le e! !

GA G A II LL PP O ORR TT EERR

TTH HA AT T’’ SSFSSASHIO O AA O N SSH H IIT T LLO OO OK K!! HAIR BAND

Listening to Dancing In The Moonlight too much made former pin-up babe Gail Porter’s hair fall out! Get her bag lady look with our tips...

Claire’s Accessories, £1.29

MINGIN’ MANE

Gail’s the mane attraction for all the wrong reasons with this scraggly end of hair. Steal her style by simply scalping a horse and gluing its mane onto your head. Voila!

BLOATED CHOPS

For those puffy red cheeks, simply suck as much cock as possible or decapitate your head and attach the bonce of a Cabbage Patch Doll to your neck instead. Perfect.

To build a beautiful bald bonce over time, sunbathe in cooking oil – try the wonderfully named Crisco, £1.59 – and develop melenoma. Chemo will have you looking like Kojak pronto. Result.

Och-aye! At least I’ve still got me beautiful boobies!

can a il !! G K K O OO LO L

a l ly c tu

r ea

T-SHIRT American Apparell, £10.99

RED BADGER STRIPE

052

Come the evening, when Gail is off to a swanky do, she likes to show off her pink mohican. Get this red hot (geddit) look by simply trailing a used tampon from the front to the back of your head and then fluffing up the fabric with tweezers.Try not to drip it all down your face*.

*Hate accepts no responsibility in the event of facial taxoplasmosis and consequent death

I got hair like Gail! Waah!

SLAPHEAD

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘Euroboy’, 2010

The power of nn e eg ga att iiv ve e thought

The legendary Pet Shop Boy explains why itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s great to hate

bb yy nn e ei il l tt ee nn nn a an nt t

“

all eat hamburgers and drink cola.’ And they should hate the people that represent that. They should hate Michael Jackson for trying to foist Pepsi onto them, to make them fat victims of their own society. They should hate more. Hate Pepsi, hate CocaCola, hate Jackson. I hate positivity. It’s about lying back, getting screwed, and accepting it. It’s totally apolitical. It’s not about changing society, it’s about caring about yourself. Positivity is fundamentally middleclass. It’s about

bout

Positivity is a

hatred. You see or hear something and grow envious. Whereas if your positive reaction is, ‘Wow, that’s great,’ you just sit back and think how great it is and you don’t do anything. You relax. Luckily, I’ve never been a very relaxed person. When I look at pop music, I immediately hate things. I really hate performers who make a big deal out of playing benefits and donating the proceeds from the sales of their records to charities. They could give plenty of money to charities and not tell anyone, but instead, they cash in on it. That’s not charity, it’s marketing. They say they are trying to raise consciousness, as if being a celebrity gives them power and endows them with the answers to the world’s problems. But really it’s breathtakingly cynical. The Pet Shop Boys have always hated most of the prevailing attitudes and tried to do the opposite. Our hatred of what other people do had always helped us redefine our actions. To hate a lot of things is tantamount to really caring about others. If you like everything, you deal with nothing. I retain the old-fashioned belief that pop music is meant to be a challenge to society as well as an affirmation of it. And so I consider it my duty to hate things.

“

not for hatred, I wouldn’t be doing what I do now. I became a pop star because I hated football at school. I hated that whole attitude of being one of the crowd. Being a pop star was my revenge. Revenge for being bad at football. For not being athletic. For being mocked. That’s the thing about negative energy, about hatred: it can be positive. It tells you, by elimination, what you’re about; sometimes you can only define yourself by what you hate. Hatred becomes an inspiration; it makes you think, ‘What I’m doing now I totally believe in, and I don’t care what other people say.’ Guided by hatred, you don’t have to follow the herd. I hate the way people all like the same things at the same time. When people are told about Coke - ‘it’s the real thing’ - they should think, ‘No, it’s a hideous soft drink that is full of sugar that turns into glucose that turns into fat.’ They should look at America and think, ‘God, there are so many fat people here! Why? Because they f

lying back, getting screwed and accepting it having the time, the space, and the money to sort out where your head is at. Therapy is just another side of positivity. And positivity makes the world stay the same. Hatred is the force that moves society along, for better or for worse. People today are driven by their hatred of injustice, hatred of unfairness, of how power is used. That’s as true for pop music as it is for politics. I always feel the reason so much music comes out of Britain is because there’s so much

055

pr ed ic

tio n

sh a ta Na

Kapl

imso

. U glie ell’s ri Halliw st baby of 20 06: Ge

le slept her way to the top !

K EE!! KK K AAK UK BU B B B E LLEE E

Taste my biology!

Destroy Cheryl Girls Aloud’s constant ‘suprised’ look by pleasuring yourself all over her.

056

1. Glue page onto card. Cut out Cheryl’s head and gob. 2. Attach it to your pet dog for an authentic look. 3. Shoot your load into Cheryl’s awaiting gullet. Laugh.

It’s Ritchie from 5ive! I’m hungry too!

story? The struggle? The -Factor. The anguish? How are you, a glorified bin man from Croydon, karaoke with going to change the world? a one year, The ‘artists’ are million pound chosen for their looks deal for the winner. and singing voice alone. We all love it and the How far would Elton less brain dead among John have got in this us love to hate it. competition? The only We all enjoy karaoke thing he would have had but then, whether people going for him would not admit it or not, mashave been his song turbation is a popular writing abilities but past time too. Does merely his sexuality. this mean Simon Cowell should create a show that Louis Walsh’s wank stains seeks out Britain’s have invaded all our lives and biggest wanker? Never mind the conrefuse to wash out testants Simon, just take a look to your We love a gay, a right on the judges fatty, or a stutterer. panel to see the This highlights the Boyzone/Westlife/G4 lack of depth we are ejaculating cock that is offered by these Louis Walsh. For his one-dimensional wank stains have invaded contestants. The

characters anyway? Does Mrs. Smith from Stoke really feel such a connection to a boy from Manchester with designer stubble that she is happy to invest 50p every week in his Unchained Melody covering year long career? But why not? Why shouldn’t a glorified karaoke singer be given a one million pound deal, just so they can cover a few songs and maybe fuck Jordan inbetween Richard & Judy appearances. Afterall, no one deserves this life more than a singer who never deserved this kind of exposure in the first place.

XX -R RA AN NTT!! Words/illustration by Robert Amstell all of our lives and refuse to wash out. Who appointed Walsh, the evil leprechaun king of the boy bands and Simon Cowell, the man who inflicted Robson and Jerome on us, to decide what to clog our charts up with next? Is this not like appointing Edward Scissorhands responsibility over wiping our arses? The show’s lack of necessity cannot be blamed solely on the judges though. The absolute blandness of the contestants plays a role too. Where’s the

fact that the nation’s hearts can be stolen with a fat arse, absence of speaking voice or love of cock shows that it is no more to do with actual musical talent than an episode of Eastenders. It is just a weekly soap and if you do not have a good storyline, you will most certainly be voted out. It’s OK, Sonia Jackson, you may be crap on the trumpet but we love your fat arse! Who votes for these uncontroversial

057

Britain’s top agony aunt tells you how it really

Lorraine Tell me ya shit and I’ll sort it ma wee petal!

is you pathetic excuse for a human being

*Lorraine accepts no responsibility for wrecking your sad, piss-poor life as a result of her nonsensical, totally made-up advice

Another one bites the dust Dear Lorraine

My latest hubbie, who I thought was Mr Right, has gone and dumped me. I can’t seem to hold down any of my men. Could it be me? Ulrika, the gutter, Chelsea Lorraine replies: Ooh, Ulrika, dropped like a sack of wee shit again, eh? Could it be you? Well, let’s take a little look at the evidence, shall we missy, eh? We all thought you were a slutty wee minx for pinching that contestant from your reality show, you let slaphead Sven stick his FA Cup inside ya wee tuppence, claimed John Leslie raped you (when we all know ye were beggin for it), fucked Hunter from Gladiators… No wonder Stan Collymore slapped ye about ye man-eating headline-grabbing wee hussy. Perhaps if ye stopped thinking of gettin ye sad, wee face in the glossies and focused on ye marriage instead, ye wouldn’t be left Dear mum, the kind ye slag of a single

058

Lorraine

in yer columns. Don’t bother watching me, the amazing Lorraine Kelly, bring fashion, lifestyle tips and entertainment news on GM:TV, it’ll only make ye sick, although you may like that ye anorexic bint. You’ve been after me job ever since you stepped your skinny wee pins on on that friggin’ weather map.

SO ALONE

blind, quit my Dear I’m job cos of numerous Lorraine scandalous business

affairs and all my hot girlfriends have dropped me. I feel so low. Help, please. David, Westminster

Lorraine replies: Ooh, Davey, ma wee hunk of a man, stop it, ma tear ducts are overflowin’! I’ve a fandabby-dozee way to restart your career - Blunkett’s Blankets! Simply shave of ye rugged beard and pubic area and knit together the remains. Flog em to Woolies, the ol dears will love em…Erm,

THE BUM RUSH

I’m so obsessed with eating digestible things that my excrement sometimes simply falls out of my retcum without warning.This can be very embarrasing when on a romantic date. Help! Gillian, the surgery

Lorraine replies: Oh, Gillian, why not try stuffing a LilLet up yer wee botty to hold it in? Failing that, simply advertsise on Gum Tree for a scat lover and you’ll be enjoying messy fun faster than you can say ‘chickpea bottom chunder’ ye hunchback fake doctor ye.

CRACKING UP a top model, I’ve Dear As Lorraine got to get off the crack. Any tips? Kate, Dorset

Lorraine replies: Ooh, Kate, why stay off the crack and smack when it keeps ye looking so svelte? In fact, I may advise the millions of viewers of my fabulous show to go out and buy some Pete’s Paper and get chasing the wee dragon quick smart! Myself, I prefer a wee sniffter of GBH – wee Ben Shepheard introduced it to me the stuff at Too2Much. Ended up with Dale Winton trying to do me up me frothing minge in the ladies! oops, I forgot ye were blind as a bat! Ye may struggle with that sewing machine a wee bit then. Have ye seen Björk in Dancer in the Dark, Davey? Such a sad film. SO sad. I started weeing thru ma wee noo-noo at the end.

Ooh, yeah, big baboons!

JILLY’S JERK-OFF LINES* My jungle juice: 0898 Squelch Food and fucking: 0898 Fig Frig Sup wine from my flange: 0898 Julio Gallo Sniff my muff: 0898 brambles, rhubarb and pencil cases

* Calls cost much more than you can afford you tosspot twot

Dear

DIRTY

The world’s crudest sex columnist!

TINA!

Dear Tina,

What’s love godda do, godda do with it?!

CARROT QUEERY? Dear Tina,

Despite being pictured out on the town with Abi Titmuss and various other trollops, I think I’m actually gay cos I like sticking carrots up my botty. How can I be sure? David W, NW1 Tina says: Damn David! You stick carrots up yer back passage makes ya a real horny homo. Listen Davey, down Nutbush way we shoot fags dead but I see nothin’ wrong in a bit of up the pooper fun: Ike used to love ramming it to me there! If I may be so bold, to confirm your true sexual identity,

Slapped into submission

progress from carrots to courgettes, cucumbers, then to a marrow. If you’re still, lovin it, go find yerself a real man down Chariots, Limehouse. A quick fuck in a cubicle and you may end up getting wed like Elton and Furnish! Enjoy honey.

My flamed haired, highpowered wife hit me across the face after she caught me in bed with another man. Now she’s started punching me during sex. I’m scared. Grant, London E20 Tina says: Yo Grant bitch, down Nutbush way I’ve had my fair share of being slapped about by Ike, I can tell ya. Physical abuse is not something ya should stand for ya hear me, so next time the ginger

minge tries to belt you one, drag her into the doggy position, ride her like a real darn cowboy would down Nutbush way, then donkey punch her. What d’ya mean ya don’t know what that is? Donkey punching means you hit your partner in the stomach or back of head just before you climax, the physical shock you impose on them resulting in the tightening of their anal or vaginal passage. Believe me, it’s Simply The Best! Yee ha! Uh! Give it to me!

TOP SLUT I fuck anything that

moves. What’s wrong with me? Wayne, Manchester Tina says: Hey Wayne, there’s nowt wrong with ya, sweet’art, you’re just a cheap tuppeny whore with a face like a pug.

TINA’S AD OF THE MONTH

059

Calvin Holbrook’s

BITCHIN’<ART<BULLSHIT

Ooh! Zitney’s spots are far scabbier than mine, oink!

www.hatemagazine.co.uk

ISSUE 4 £3.50

IC LL II M MII TT TLY EED D D IITT II EE D O O NUM N!! N BER : X STR

XXX

JADE’S LL O OV V EE PPH HO O TT O O

CA C AS S EE B BO OO OK K !!

S TT EEA S ALL BRITNEY’S SPOTTY STYLE! Zit me baby one more time!

pm m GGiirrllss!! M EEEETT O M OU UR RN N EEW WC CO O LL U UM MN N IIS S TT S S :: The 3p

What’s my shake secret?

A happy Hatester Snogging Phil from Big Fun

www.hatemagazine.co.uk Yay!

ello slags and welcome to the fourth insult-packed edition of hate – your favourite (well, only) anti-celebrity ’zine! On page six our fab new columnists the 3PM girls reveal that T4 tart June Sarpong was seen selling crack outside New Cross station amongst other hot stories. Plus, we expose the real reason

why Geri Veryunwell has put on so much What’s my weight shake secret? (pg 10) and it’s not cos she’s stopped sticking her fingers down her throat. Oh, and we discuss our favourite dead

Bend over, bitch!

062

Sexy dude

Get your head down there and shut up Suck my fingers you big spunk!

pop stars on page 16. But what are those pictures surrounding these very words I hear you ask. Well, they’re the snaps from the Hate party at Tatty Devine Soho back in September. As you can see, we all got drunker than Tracy Shaw! Enjoy! Calvin Holbrook Words and art hatemagazine@hotmail.com

Thanks to: Neal Whittington (ideas/photos), Georgia Roussis (words), Leon Bowers (photos), All the lovely Tatty Devine bods (support and free booze), all the magazines I’m dead! and internet sites that I blatantly steal all my images from. No thanks to: Magma for not bothering to reply to our requests to be stocked, Siobhan Fahey for not bothering to reply to our request for an interview. Go fuck yourself.

Beer and beards

Ow! You big fatty!

Eeh, that’s a right lovely look petal Home time, honey!

063

THE

EV E V II LL EYES

You’ll never believe what I saw…

Rumours have always abounded that miserable Mutya from the Sugababes acted like a big baby, but the 3pm Girls can exclusively! reveal that since becoming pregnant, Mutya really has started acting like a big baby! As our exclusive! pictures reveal, ropey old Mutya has insisted on replacing her microphone with a bottle of wamed soya milk at all times and wearing special leather nappies, tailormade by Huggies to counter the endless stream of shit emitted from her. Not WAAAH! only that, demand-

ing Mutya throws a tantrum if she is not transported from interviews and concerts in her Barbie buggy and bawls if she cannot feed of her fellow babes, Heidi and Keisha’s, pert boobies. We tried to reach Mutya last night but all she could say was “Goo, goo, ga ga, me wand Tweenies”.

month: SE A N C E S P O T ! This Brian Harvey

Suicide risk!

Frequent dabblers with the devil, the 3PM girls got in touch with Brian’s dead nan over the Ouija board and she passed on this message: ‘Hi Bri love, nanna’s at peace now. I hid that stash of paracetamols with the doves on in the Bisto tin.Ta-ta petal!’

Take That!

*We apologise if our headline suggested that Mutya had actually turned into a fuckable female rather than an infant

Mutya ’babe turns into babe herself!*

Cilla Black buzzing her tits off on coke, dancing on the tables at the George & Dragon, Shoreditch, shouting, “Forgive me Bobby, forgive me!”... June Sarpong selling crack while chomping on chicken bones outside New Cross Bobby!!! tube… Lesbo Kaye Adams from ITV’s Loose Women touching up Channel 4 News’ Samira at the Candy Bar... Peaches in Woolies, Archway, arguing about the price of a large condiment set... Graham Norton in a fatal car crash, Soho... Everyone from S Club apart from Rachel Stevens reading The Stage in the Costa coffee shop at Borders, Charing Cross Road... Rachel Stevens picking up all the celeb mags and glossies with her on the cover, laughing to herself and spitting on the floor, Borders, Charing Cross Rd... Daniel Bedingfield’s used head cage on eBay for 62 pence... Robbie Williams trying but failing to fist Mutya on page 065 of this very fine publication...

065

I can’t shake the feeling!

JU UIIC CEE THE J G

Star of the Fat Slags film, Geri reveals

eri Veryunwell has spoken exclusively to Hate about the secret behind her new, curvy figure. The answer? An extreme daily diet of protein shakes made entirely from her chunky, new lover Darius’ spunk! “I love my new, voluptious figure, man,” Geri told us, “and it’s all down to Big D. It started one night when he asked me to suck him off in the Funky Buddah bogs. I’d never normally do that, but he’d got me a Babycham and I’d not a sniff of cock for yonks!”

PICKLED ONIONS

Geri: cum junky

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Fat Geri continued, “As you know, I don’t normally swallow anything, but Big D’s jizz had such a fuckin gorgeous flavour – sort of like Pickled Onion Monster Munch, that I slurped it all down in one go. Almost immediately I could feel my stomach expand! Actually,

that was the first time we met.” Ever since this fatefall night Geri has admitted to putting away an astonishing 1,312 cum shakes a day – replacing all solid with food with pure Darius lovejuice. “You’d think it was impossible for a bloke to produce so much stuff, but Daz is a big bloke – come on, you must’ve been sent that picture of his cock on the internet!”

HUNK OF SPUNK

Scot Darius puts his proteinpacked love punch down to his youth: “Growing up as a bonnie wee lad in Aberdeen, me ma used to feed me copius amount of haggis and HeinzBaked Beans, turning me into the, quite literally, hunk of spunk I am today.” Amazingly, producing 1,312 cum shakes a day for Geri is no problem for the Pop Idol loser: “My balls are so huge Jizz me baby one more time!

Darius and a fresh batch, today

ON GERI’S DIET! FF O O CC

how she has become a fat slag herself! I produce enough cum in one ejaculate for 250 shakes – enough to provide Geri with all the energy she needs to peddle her particularly vile brand of homo-pop.” Despite their happiness, this latest revelation has shocked Hate’s agony aunt, Lorraine Kelly: “It’s all very well for Geri to be growing fatter boobies thanks to her wee man’s sex wee, but are they still

US U S

indulging in proper highPro HE IT f fanny-willy sex, eh?” profile the essor ALTH say Univ Lisa Y? Geri hit back by female sems: “Dr eristy Labia ink fro en of saying: “Fuck you celebs all prov ing th Flang m nee the n ides is m e Lozza, I’m a randy ho have ds. utr Ger uch to a Sadl ient i wit – Big D will never go taken s y h put sever it wil she l e rid without advanhal case lead itos of a sniff tage of is.” of my Darius’ snatch. super Besides, what’s energy-packed the point of protozoa: is it a crying over coincidence spilt milk?” that an incalcuable number of his promotional GREEDY GUTS Slurp! appearances on Rumour-mongerers have begun whispers that This Morning led to this is not the a correlating weight gain first time that in a certain Fern Britton?

“His jizz is gorgeous

– like Pickled Onion

St S te ea al l G Ge er ri i’’s s

We can’t all get to gulp down Darius’ calorific cum, but follow our tips and you’ll soon be as lardy as Geri…*

1) Log on to gay site thecrusingground.com. In a fantastic time-saving exercise, those dirty old homos have listed all the glory holes in the UK.These are public conveniances which promote anonymous sex, featuring holes between cubicles in which a gentleman places his penis through in order to be orally pleasured. Simply drag up, hide in one of these toilets all day and bingo! Come the end of the week you’ll look like Michelle McManus!

You can look as bad as me too!

sstty yl le e! !

2) Bukakke parties involve just one or two women and tens of disgusting men desperate to shoot their sordid seed direct into your awaiting gullet.Try the Yellow Pages.

3) If you can’t find a human, farmyard animals are an excellent and reliable source of protein pump. Simply offer to help out at your local farmyard and orally rape the poor things. Donkeys are particularly obliging.

* Hate accepts no responsibility if you get raped while stealing Geri’s style

Monster Munch”

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘Cock ring No1: Dean reconstructed’, 2010

The 3 old poofs

I bring smack!

I bring Ecstasy and other great pharamaceuticals!

I bring cocaine to wake the child and parents!

e e

Baaah! Milk me Joseph like I milked you!

The old goat

The Angel

GHB and crack gives you wings!

Joseph

The Shepherd

Ere, Jo, let’s call ’im Satsuma!

Mary GUCCI

Snort!

Fuck this, I’m off to The Ivy...

PP AA

RR TT

s Girl

Now

that Kate Moss has been spotted off her tits down The Joiners Arms, it’s time to find a new place to get your kicks. Unless you own an A-list only bar, having a celeb attend your club will work against you in the end: the pikeys will read it about it in Heat and before you know it, the whole chaving council estate will be hanging out there. Thank God then for trannie/transgender/gay/ straight/wotever sex club, Stunners. My friend Bobby claims to have seen the Strokes there a few weeks ago - apparently Julian Casablancas was professing his desire to be dominated by another man - but Bobby always did have an active imagination. Celebrity-free zone Stunners is like nowehere you have partied at before. Hidden away at the C a b l e Street Studios in the East End’s less-than-stunning Limehouse, the location may be dingy, but once you step inside the venue, your Saturday night surroundings are transformed. Though predominantly a transsexual night, Stunners attracts a varied crowd of all ages wanting

do bo y

o d o b o ys l i wh

ke re they’

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on don’ is L

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ht nig sh est feti

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Mizz and fiancé

velvet drapes. The nice thing is you can just sit there and chat to friends while others are getting down there is no pressure to participate. One trannie even stopped mid-blow job to ask Aussie Bobby if they ‘had clubs like this in

Melbourne?’ before promptly heading back to giving head. Indeed, this room boasts a higher cock count than Hackney City F a r m.

Master Darcy

to get off to electro and house, and, well, simply get off: Thai ladyboys, dominatrix types, masked men, leather queens, burly black dudes, drag stars, Japanese girls in kinky komonos, gays and straight night owls wanting to make the night last for ever... Anything goes at Stunners, in more than one sense. It recently won Night of The Senses’ (formerly the Sex Maniacs Ball) award for Best Club in it’s 2004 Erotic Awards. If the sight of two chicks with d i c k s sucking each other off offends you, stay home: most of the action goes in the Arabian Nights room – with bed, cushions and

My fave Stunners character hangs out here: she looks like Roland from Grange Hill, sports bottletop glasses, wears a black bobbed wig and holey tights and is often curled up like a baby into the cushions. As well as Arabian Nights, there are spanking and dark rooms. The most fun is had in the toilets though: watching the trannies getting dolled up in the profesional film star mirrors, chatting with pre-ops about what bitch Gail’s been doing in Corrie, sharing application tips with drag

Styx

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queens... With people constantly coming and going, it makes perfect sense for a club toilet to contain seats. When you wanna dance, Stunners has a light-up dancefloor – like the one at Eve’s on Regent

Submit Street. Pooped out? Refuel by popping next door to Cafe Alice, for brekkie and coffee - beats trying to find a hot dog van. Open from 11pm to 11am, it’ll usually daylight by the time you leave - proof, if needed, that a good time was had by all. www.stunners.tv

FASHION TIP Bobby loves to wear lil’ black stockings teamed with pinstripe shorts he got for £1 in a Turkish shop in Stoke Newington. The outfit is completed with a dead stoat around his neck. Gorgeous.

074

FACT: You have to bring your own booze to Stunners!

Who goes?

I’m Bobby

1: The MISTRESS

AGE: Don’t ask. FACT 1: When she needs to rest her killer heels, Mistress makes her slaves kneel on the floor transforming them into fuckable footstools FACT 2: A slave once asked Mistress for a cigarette. She said ‘that will be £5, slave’. The slave paid FACT 3: Her slaves carry Mistress to the loo and clean the seat before placing Mistress on the throne

Mel Appleby

Born: 7 July 1966 Died: 18 January 1990 Cause: Cancer

remember running to the shops to check the newspapers when Dad told me Mel Appleby from Mel & Kim had died. There I read the News of the World headline, ‘Mel dead at 23’. At least they printed a nice picture of her from when she did Page 3. I had gotten used to seeing awful snapshots of her bald and bloated and walking in a frame while trying to battle cancer, pictures that her then boyfriend sold to the press.

Respectable was the first record I ever bought in 1987 when I was nine and nearly 20 years on, it is still the best. Even now when you hear it down the pub everyone gets up to dance when you hear the opening tay-taytay-tay ta ta ta ta ta tay-tay line. Take us leave us only please believe us we are never gonna be respectable/Like us hate us but you’ll never change us we are never gonna be respectable/Recreation is our destination so don’t wait up for us tonight. I think it

became the theme tune to my life.

Thankfully Marc Almond survived his bike crash, but many of our other favourite pop stars weren’t so lucky. These are the ones we hope are making sweet music in heaven

What appealed most about Mel & Kim, apart from the tunes and lovely fashion sense, was their combination of realness and beauty - two down-to-earth Cockney birds who just happened to be gorgeous sisters too. They also had a strong spirit of rebellion. Mel was a saucy model before she did singing - definitely not respectable. And she even got expelled for punching her headmaster. They were also inseperable. When Mel was going through chemo, Kim shaved her head in support and the pair wear wigs on the cover of the

(little remembered) That’s The Way It Is single. Mel may be gone, but strangely enough we’re still dancing to her and Kim’s tunes in Hackney pubs the very place the duo were born. Mel, we still love you. Download: Respectable, Showing Out, FLM, That’s The Way It Is

Ere’ Kim! Look at the size of me knockers!

If you’re in

lution: here’s the so confusion,

Turn the page!

FUN, LOVE & MONEY… 077

Rob Pilatus Born: 8 June 1964 Died: 2 April 1998 Cause: Suicide OD One of my fondest memories is of seeing Milli Vanilli’s huge cock bulges as they danced in skintight black Lycra on Top Of The Pops. Maybe if I spent more time looking at their mouths instead of their princely packets I would have seen they were miming. Rob was a former model, but things weren’t so pretty inside: his life was catalogued by addiction, shame and despair. On 2 April 1998

2 2 he was found dead aged just 33 in a Frankfurt hotel room from a combination of alcohol and pills. Partners in mime, German-born Rob and Parisian Fabrice Morvan hooked up with a producer who made them lip-synch the words to Girl You Know It's True. An album went to Number One, sold seven million copies, and won them a Best New Artist Grammy in 1990, before the truth came out; and the trophies were returned. After getting caught, Rob’s self-destructive streak came to the fore: in 1991 he called the Los

Angeles Times threatening suicide; in 1995 he attacked a man with a metal lamp; the following month, he vandalized a home and slapped a man who caught him trying to break into his car. He was sentenced to three months in jail and six in rehab before topping himself. Girl, we’re gonna miss you... Download: Girl You Know It's True, Baby Don't Forget My Number, Blame It On The Rain

3 3

Born: 9 Dec 1970. Died: 8 Jan 2002. OD

ther tatic mo Zac: ecs

I think it was the fact that Zachary Sebastian Rex James Foley from EMF could squeeze limes into his foreskin that first made me take notice of him. I remember seeing a picture of him attempting this in a magazine (above) and was amazed they could print it. Ecstasy Mother Fuckers or Epsom Mad Funkers were from the Forest of Dean and their biggest hit was Unbelievable in 1991. Zac was the bassist and fucking gorgeous. He’d had problems with drugs throughout the band’s existence and fucker was found dead from an overdose in Camden aged 31 in 2002. High levels of heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, barbiturates and alcohol were found in his blood following a New Year’s Eve party. Shit. What God will make of him Next time you sticking limes up his foreskin in heaven is anyone’s order a G ’n’ T, guess. Download: I Believe, Unbelievable think of me!

London BBooyyss Edem born: 1 July 1959 Dennis born: 19 June 1959 Died: 21 Jan 1996 Cause: car crash

4 4 Believe it or

Edem Ephraim and Dennis Fuller were the backnot, we were flipping delight that made up London Boys. While not straight! particularly attractive, the site of two muscle-bound Lycra-clad men jumping all over each other made me quite excited. I blame them for making me gay. It was the highNRG Euro stomp of singles Requiem and London Nights and their cheeky grins that made me love the Boys. They lived in Hamburg and used to be in a roller-skating group called Roxy Rollers. Amazingly, it turns out London boy s, not batty they released four albums and boys sold 4.5 million records. Unfortunately, Edem and Dennis both tragically died in a car accident in 1996. They were travelling in the Alps on a dangerous mountain road and had a head-on collision with a drunken Swiss. Edem's wife, Betina and their mutual friend - a Hamburg DJ Bo also died. Edem left behind a son Stevie who was 3 years old at the Di rn: ed time of the tragedy. Dennis had a daughter, Laura, who : 19 N 23 o was 10. And there we were thinking they F v 1 CA eb 2 959 were doing each other. US E: 0000 Download: Harlem Desire, AI London Nights, Requiem ny DS d ma hear t u t b ’ n , s ve g a n h o s i I s s fra’ Nin’ Alu ful of O Im auti of e b a mix ting ite haun d Yemen y. n et a o p e c h s aine dan Jewi a died m r e J : g ttin Ofr 42 Not forge aged om ’t n o D fr e W . 7 9 9 g IDS 1 ive bein mass n Stewart, A ter ga e af ive care r BITCHES! r o u ff l s fai 's lothes O nten Aviv in i ake Our C Tel ys. a d Have To T in a 13 of for vice) died . tal is own ad t h ospi at she e h to r k c ic e h s t e st lu s a led A u a t (Should’v rsty.org e ’ a v n i st re Im N HIV ter iceforki a st : r ju l w. d e w h w as loa It w nd kept Down a Aids

za a H Ofra

079

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘In her bush’, 2007

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‘Dobson points his pistol’, 2007

omebody at work or a family member pissing you off? Abuse them without revealing your identity with these hateful gift tags. Perfect!

...or youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll end up like me, snort!

If you bought this in January, tough shit slow-coach

082

Happy xmas you sad pathetic wanker

‘The Opening’, 2010

ARTVERTISEMENT

E LL HE H

Dear

Lorraine

P P

Britain’s top agony aunt tells you how it really is,

Tell me ya shitty problems and I’ll fix ’em ma wee petal!

you pathetic excuse for a human being

I can’t hold down my men! *Lorraine accepts no responsibility for wrecking your sad, piss-poor life as a result of her nonsensical, totally made-up advice

devastated – G’day I’m my foxy French Lorraine! boyfriend has dumped me for some other Shiela after two years. This keeps happening – how can I stop the Tears on my Pillow? Kylie, the Bungle-bungles

Lorraine replies: Ooh, Kylie, ya silly wee slip of a thing! When a high-flying lass like yourself has to juggle a boyfriend with a successful chart career, sucking off the Scissor Sisters, copius cosmetic surgery and pouting, something has to give, and if you’re not prepared to give up all those wee surgery sessions, your man’s gonnae go shag about! No, what you need to do to hold onto your next man is get hold of a Nessie-sized needle of Botox (no problem there then), inject the wee bastard all over the leg area

084

SO JEALOUS Dear Lorraine

I used to have my own show like you and now all I get is t’fucking Lottery balls. I wish you were dead ya Scottish scum, la! Cilla, The Mersey

Lorraine replies: Oh, Cilla, ya washed-up ginger bint – just looking at your face kills me! But seeing as you’ve no TV work, that’s nae gonna happen! Fook off and jump int’Mersey!

to paralyse him, lock him in yer wee cupboard under the stairs and feed him Lucky Charms to keep him alive while using him as a sordid sex slave! He’ll be fan-dabby-dozzy if you stick in a TV and let him watch me, the fabulous Lorraine Kelly, bring fashion, lifestyle tips and entertainment news his life every weekday after GM:TV. Och-ay!

WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE I’m ME? addicted to

Dear dogging and everyLorraine one picks on me for

it. I got smashed up by a rugby team after bragging about all the birds I shagged and all the papers are having a go cos my new books reveals how I sucked Maltesers out of my girlfriend’s wet tuppence. Do you think I deserve the bad press? Stan, a dirty old lay-by

Lorraine replies: Ooh, Stan, ya big wee hunk of a man! Who gives ae flying fuck what anyone says, eh, ya stud muffin! Ignore those bullies – they’re only jealous cos you can still score – even though it’s off the pitch rather than on it ye footballing flop ye! Well, I’ve not had anyone lick a chocolate bar from my wee noo-noo

I LOVE SMACK

Dear Lorraine

I’m in a top rock band but can’t get off the fookin’ smack. Any tips for me, Lozzer? Pete, Whitechapel

Lorraine replies: Ooh, wee Pete m’boy, I know the pressures of fame. I took LSD with Wincy Willis once in the toilets of Too2Much and we were bouncing off our boobies! No, why give up the heroin when ye can mong out and watch me astound you with real life cancer scare stories, winter fashion and entertainment news! Watch Natasha Kaplimsole on the other side and I’ll smack yer zitty wee face in. before, so if you fancy a hot Scot, I’d love to indulge (I’m on the Atkins so maybe try those no-carb Rolos, eh, Stan?). Afterwards we can lay back, smoke a spliff and slag off Ulrika. I don’t condone violence in any way Stan, ye hear me, but that fookin’ foreign twat was after me job ever since she set her skinny wee pins on tha friggin’ weather map.

I USED TO BE A PROSSIE Everyone knows

Dear I sold my body to Lorraine raise money for a

spectacular pair of titties. How can I come back from this? Nadia, London

Lorraine replies: Oh Nadia, do ye think I give a wee shit? Phone up Trisha yee dirty man-woman.

DIRTY

The world’s crudest sex columnist!

TINA!

A MODERN-DAY TALE OF THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. IS JEFF IN LOVE WITH JADE OR JUST HER WEALTH AND FAME? JADE AND JEFF

OOH YEAH, RIDE ME JADE – YOU’RE SO FUCKIN’ HOT!

What’s love godda do, godda do with it?!

MY GAY LOVER WANTS ME TO FELCH HIM... Dear Tina,

* Calls cost much more than you can afford you wanking loser

As a closet case TV host, I pick up my men at Chariots Sauna. Last night my shag asked if I wanted to try felching but I don’t know what that is. Please can you help me to save any future embarassment? Simon C, Chelsea Tina says: Yo Simon bitch, down Nutbush way there be a hell loada felchin’

TINA

goin’ down and getting plenty o’ steamy window in them there gay whore houses! If I may be so bold, felching be when ya shoot yer big wad up ya man friend’s anal passage then you, or someone else, decides to lick all the dirty muck out again. Ike just loved to spread my cheeks wide and chow down after a hot session. Enjoy honey.

BUT I FEEL SO RANK… SOMETIMES I THINK JEFF JUST USES ME FOR MY CELEB STATUS ERE, WHAT’S WRONG BABE?

I FEEL FUCKIN’ FAT AND UGLY INNIT…

VEGI’mOUT? without a

...AND I READ IN HATE YOU ONLY WANT MY CASH. SO WHAT DO YOU FUCKIN’ LIKE ABOUT ME EH, JEFF ?

Dear Tina,

man so want to start inserting root vegetables up my fanny. Which are best? Edith B, Primrose Shrill

FERN’S FONELINES*

How to wank 0891 HANDY Fern’s felch help 0891 CUM YUM This Moaning 0891 696969 Me ‘n’ Philip at it 0891 UGH UGH Lose weight fast! 0891 VOM VOM

Tina says: Yo Edith, my lady-loving bitch! I find it’s best to break in with a carrot, before working up to an auberiene and finishing with a marrow. Satsumas connected with shoelaces make cheap and cheerful asian love beads. C ya babe!

FUCKIN’ TOP BLOW JOB LIPS, BABE!

IN JADE’S DREAMS

085

£2.50 UGH!

THE A AN N TT II -- C C EE LL EE B BR R II TT YY READ ISSUE 3

p o p ppooo ooofff sss Which p po op p p would you pump?

HOW CLEAN IS YOUR

Ulter filth!

SSPP OOU USSE E?

*Not very, if you’re Peter Andre

Now my career really is tits up!

CHOMP!

Blame it on the boobies!

Argh! Elt, you blinded me!

STEAL MICHELLE’S SIZEABLE STYLE!

PPH H II LL FF R RO OM MB B IIG G FF U UN N :: “WE DID B BO ON NG GS S WITH S S II N N IITT TTA A !”

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..THE H H II TT LIST...

BB II TT CC HHII N’’ N

Eat lesbo lead, slapper!

Which celebs are Top Of The Cocks this issue?

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Pregnant Scandinavian homophobe Ulrika has been trying to backtrack over recent comments she made in her News Of The World column that the gay kiss in Corrie was sick and unnecessary. “Not anti-gay” Ulrika said later, “rather pro-sensible”. Bull shit. A gay tongue sarnie on the Street is far less offensive than Fizz’s ugly mug. And excuse us for asking, Ulrika, but what the

Haven’t been on the cover of ES for a year? Shite acting reputation in tatters because of a string of truly disastrous movie

Not the size of my clit – the size of my talent!

hell have you actually done to deserve your own column? Ooh, been a weather girl Shoot for GM:TV? all queers! Apart from voting for The Good Life in the BBC’s Best British Sitcom series, we can’t think of a single quality feature that you possess. I’m a baby… get And me outta here! choices? You must be Anna Friel! Time to get your baps out again in what has to be the most annoying series of ads on the box at the moment: 3 mobile. And that’s the number of job offers (none of them decent) that will come in after your latest amateur dramatics, Anna. You know where you can stick that breadstick, don’t you, sweet’art: up yer arse. FYI: ‘Fanne Liar’ and ‘In Real Naf’ are both anagrams of Anna Friel.

you even stole your husband from your appalling show, Mr Right, cos he couldn’t be paired off with one of the contestants so you dug your claws in. You claimed John Leslie raped you to sell more books. You even sucked off Sven Goran-Erikkson. If we were Stan Collymore, we think we would have ended up belting you too. What happens if your new-born baby turns out to be gay, Ulrika? Ever thought of that? To recap, the only time we at hate will ever be yelling “Ulrika!” is if a scientist creates an invention that will keep your tatty face and opinions out of the public domain. Good night.

PP OO SS H H

How we cheered with glee when David’s steamy affairs were discovered! Ah, poor Posh: Collapsing marriage? OINK! Check! No record deal? Check! Losing tons of weight again? Check!

089

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘A Beaver Winks’, 2007

..THE H H II TT LIST...

SS AA LL LLYY 4 WW EE BB SSTT EE RR

As well as uttering the best Corrie line in months (adopt Lancashire accent) – “Rowsie! Eating chips never got anyone on t’stage”, – the street’s showbiz mum Sally’s attempt to live her pathetic dreams through her Row-sie! talentless teen have gone too far. And now she wants to turn the maths genius into Stephen Hawking (she’s already got the face). hate demands a new storyline where neglected second daughter Sophie chops up her mum with a Barbie, sells her to Betty to put in a hot pot so Sally ends up passing through Les Battersby’s pileridden back passage. FYI: ‘Breasty Swell’ is an anagram of Sally Webster. So is ‘Wet Balls? R, Yes!’

55 BB EE YY OO NN CC EE

hate cannot fathom all the adulation heaped upon Ms Knowles – OK, Crazy In Love was a killer anthem but her only good song. It ain’t noth-

in’ on Bug-a-Boo. Religious Beyoncé claimed to be holier than thou in the DC days, stating that she would never get her kit off in vids or do sexy stuff. BOLLOCKS – she’s always got her thunder thighs and tits out on display. And she always lloks so smug. Just remember Bey, God is watching you at all times – you’re gonna burn in HELL!

BB LL UU EE

Should be picking up dole cheques every week, not awards for their puke inducing ballads. Antony has admitted to biting his lover while Uh! she held their baby, slut Duncan shares a bed with Tara-PT and Lee, well, never have we seen a thicker boy bander since East 17’s Brian Harvey – it’s only a matter of time before Lee ends up in a mental ward too! So Blue, try and Breathe Easy when hate smothers you with all the press cuttings we’ve collected

I quit Hole but haven’t quit getting my hole filled! on David and slut Rebecca Loos you bunch of dumb piss flapscunts!

77 CC OO UU RR TT NN EE YY

With Courtney’s new music bombing harder than Osama, Ms Love is back to getting her manky old tits out and getting drug-fucked for publicity. The silly ming has even lost her daughter cos she’s out of it constantly. No wonder poor Kurt shot his brains out.

All Rise!

88 JJAA ZZ ZZ

Norah Jones, Jamie Cullum Cumlover, Amy Whinehouse: hogging the charts with plinky-plonkiness. Jazz? Jizz, more like.

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hate’s dream reality TV: Jodie Marsh, Kate Lawler, Hayley Evetts, etc, fuck each other to death. The eventual winner gets fed to Lee from Blue.

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Goofy, washed-up hag that hangs out at The Shadow Lounge. Twat.

Minge!

BBrrooookkllyynn: like father, like son!

Bring on the pussy!

Beckham’s son pulls a hat-trick of babes in one night

You’ll be swinging off those pigtails later, bitch!

Eugh! I’ve got a pube stuck in me brace!

Brooklyn with proud dad David: he taught him what ‘clit’ meant

ad boy Brooklyn Beckham proves he’s following in his father’s dirty football boots by sensationally pulling three babes in one day – all after playschool! As our exclusive! pictures reveal, sordid serial-cheater Brooklyn, 5, was caught out when snapped in the same trackie top and cap with each of his sexual conquests on the same day (we hope he at least changed his nappy between shags)! Brooklyn had good reason to look nervous as he walked hand-in-hand with on-off fuck buddy, Georgina, 6, (pictured above left) to the Boo-Bahs new video launch party – he had a hot, lust-filled liasion with a mystery pig-tailed princess (above right) just an hour earlier, spotted leaving Toys R Us, Staines.

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Keeping it in the family, Brooklyn Sniff my then went on to fanny fingers! finger his own auntie, Lousie, 56, in the toilets after the Scooby-Doo 2 premiere at London’s Leicester Square, while she gave him a hand-shandy. Double-dating dad, David, said, in a very high-pitched voice, “I’d been teaching little Brooks to start playing with balls – I meant footballs – but it just goes to show he takes after dad. Well done, son!” Po-faced mum Victoria could not be reached for comment as she was too busy shopping for slutty tops in Matalan and trying to revive her piss-poor career.

Golly, I’m busted, Elt! Pull out, old chap!

Ugh! Holy shit!

Which pop poof would you P U M P ?

FF U UN N

PUMP

Follow the flowchart to find out if you fancy a bit of posh like Old Four Eyes, or summit a bit rougher…

Do you try to incorporate the words ‘ting’, ‘innit’ and ‘blood’ into your conversation?

Do you agree that Graham Norton is a Gucci-clad twat?

You bought Eamon’s Fuck It... single

Child killer Ian Huntley, is like, well fit

You’d love Abs to rub his shaved head around your perianal region

CO C OU UN NC CII LL C CO OC CK K

You spend hours walking around council estates in Bow hoping that hooded scum will do you over. Your ideal fantasy is a Blazin’ Squad bukkake gang bang party.

Does the thought of getting an entire Sunday roast and Vienetta for £2.67 from Iceland make you moist?

YES NO

Have you ever picked up in 79CXR or Kudos?

You get all wet down below when you watch the thugs in Crimewatch reconstructions Do Reebok classics make you shoot your load?

G.A.Y punters are hornier than Ghetto boys

You dream of sticking your tongue in David Sneddon’s tooth gap

www.twinkrus.com is bookmarked on your web browser

Tweed is way cooler than trackies

You wish you shagged James Hewitt instead of that bitch Princess Di

Crusing H&M is one of your favourite hobbies

Are you fat, ugly, balding, and smelling of wee?

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You secretly watch BBC Kids cos you wank over the skinny blonde one who used to be in Byker Grove. Your fantasy is McFly leaving five colours of cum in your hair.

Your dream date is Calvin from S Club 8

You dream of coming over Charlie Busted’s eyebrows

PP O OS SH H PP U US SS SYY

A firm believer that the posh are filthy in bed, your fantasy is taking Will Young up the batty in Soho House on coke. Jeez, you’d even give Hugh Grant a bumming!

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘A loud fucking’, 2007

“Big Fun did BBO ON NG GS S with Sinitta!” Thumbs up for crack!

hil was 22 when he was having Big Fun with fellow bandmates Mark and Jason. You’ll remember their biggest hit, the cover of Blame It On The Boogie, with its balls-notdropped vocals and gay dance routine. We got in touch with Phil, now 38, after spotting an ad for his painting business in Boyz (top right). He was happy to spill the goss on Big Fun and what he’s been doing since.

096

That’s what Phil Crewick, member of the 90s boyband told me when I spoke to him about being in the gayest band ever! Hi Phil! So, how did Big Fun actually get together? “OK, no one has ever heard this story! I answered an ad in a gay magazine – it was from a record producer wanting to meet a young man, so I thought, ‘that’s a road into the music industry!’ Terrible, isn’t it? I replied and it was Ian Levine. He was a DJ at Heaven and wrote ‘Hi-NRG’ but he was really big, really fat. And he became a little bit obsessed with me in a way. He took me to Ralph Lauren and bought me loads of clothes, took me to dinner a few times…”

I asked to audtion for the new band. I met Jason there. There were two other boys in the band, Steve and Mark, and we went on tour. We recorded a cover of The Love I Lost although it wasn’t us singing. Steve left and we didn’t like Mark, and my boyfriend, also called Mark, had a great voice. He used to drive us on tour, and we wanted

“In my day you had

to sleep with people to get into

the music world!”

Great! But did you have to let him fuck you up the arse? “I didn’t have to do anything with him, thank God. And he Mark Jason paid for a gym membership! He was managing a gay band called Phil Seventh Avenue. The boys just fronted it – never sang on the records. Ian got rid of the original Big Fun: which one did you wank over? line-up and

him in the band. So we got rid of the other Mark by telling him we were disbanding!” We like your style! What next? “At that point Jason went to the Covent Garden Sauna and slept with a lawyer who knew the head of Jive records who was looking for the male Bananarama. They saw a Seventh Avenue show in Scotland and signed us. We started doing the Hitman & Her tour with Pete Waterman and went to Japan with Mandy Smith and Hazell Dean. Then Ian Levine found out we signed to Jive. He had a massive go at us. Mark just told him: ‘fucking shut up you big fat cow!’ I just used Ian really. In my day there wasn’t any Pop Idol, you had to sleep with people to get into the music world!”

So who came up with the name Big Fun? “Our single I Feel The Earth Move was coming out and we still didn’t have a name. The Inner City track, Good Life, was out about then and it had the line, ‘we’re having big fun, and the party’s just begun’. So we just nicked it.” What was the biggest fun you had as Big Fun? “Well, when you’re a male band and you’re touring gay clubs in America, every club you go to the club owner wants to show you a good time, so there’s cocaine, everything, and Limousines. You’d come off stage and basically you got the pick of all the guys in the crowd. And on the Hitman & Her tour, Sinitta had to be given her own bus cos her and her dancers were known to do naughty things, smoking pot and stuff. We got on so well with her. A few nights into the tour we ended up in a Holiday Inn on the M4 and I did my first bong with Sinitta and end up passing out in her toilet! I used to blow-dry her hair for her before she went on stage. (FYI: your editor once dressed up as Sinitta to sing ‘I Don’t Believe In Miracles’ on Timmy Mallet’s Singing In The Shower on WACaday. He won a golden plug and bathroom goodies). Simon Cowell was managing and shagging her at the time, he came on tour with us. He was really nice and friendly. Definitely not a homo.” Were you still dating Mark at the time? “No. It was very hard throughout Big Fun – we were together for about four years and it’s very hard when you’re on straight tours, in seperate bedrooms and you’re meant to be in the

He’s my crack whore, crack whore!

“I did my first bong with Sinitta and passed out” closet, when it was so fucking obvious we were queer. And you are told in press interviews to say you are straight because you have a big straight following. We had girls camping outside our door! It is awful having to pretend to be something you’re not. You go along with it, a money-making machine.”

Did Big Fun make any money? “The only people that made cash out of Big Fun were the producers and record company. I just got a statement from Jive Records saying we still owe them £249,000! You pay for everything – every flight, hotel, body

show with Jimmy Somerville and he shouted at us in the corridor: ‘Why don’t you come out of the closet, faggots?’. And Mark was like, ‘Fuck off Mr Potato head!”

– I had two tracks on the Olsen Twins’ last album and I’ve done albums with Vince Clarke.”

Were you on drugs all the time? “The day before we did a photoshoot for Can’t Shake The Feeling, we were up all night taking acid with the She Rockers. One of the girls freaked out and thought she could see spiders so we had to calm her down so we didn’t sleep at all. We got picked up at 7.30am and we were wired. Om the cover we’ve Och aye, cut me all got sunup and turn me glasses on into chips! cos our pupils were huge.”

So what about the other boys? “Jason works at Global record management and has just signed Geri. I wrote a song that’s perfect for her and took it to him in his swanky Soho office. He just turned around and said, ‘Hmm, needs a bit of work!’. And I actually just spoke to Mark just yesterday.”

“The Reynolds Girls We’d rather do smack… than Fleetwood Mac!

were horrid. Vile”

guard. We got £35,000 in advance for the album, that’s between the three of us and before tax! Pete Waterman said we were only allowed to write B-sides – you don’t get royalties for them. You can make up to £3000 on live appearances and we made a bit from then. We sold about a milion units – the album went gold in five countries and in Spain we had three songs in the Top Ten at once. We couldn’t go anywhere without a police guard.” Did you get to sleep with any other famous people? “No, but I did get to see George Michael’s willy! When Elton John got to number one with Sacrifice we were taken to L’Escargot cos Jason was shagging John Reid, Elton’s manager. Everyone got pissed and George Michael started sucking on helium balloons and started going, ‘let’s sing like Big Fun!’ Mark got really upset. George went to the loo and I followed him in just so I could take a look at his Greek willy.” And... what was it like? “Hairy. really hairy. and I got a flash of Jason Donovan’s!”

098

Which pop stars did you hate ? “We toured with Kylie and Jason, they were lovely, but the Reynolds Girls were horrid. Vile. We did this

Then what? “We got signed by a new manager and went to New York. The Bee Gees wrote five songs for us, one was a good ballad, but nothing great. But the manager didn’t know what to do with us and then Jive dropped us. Mark and I had split up and I’d had enough of it anyway. I stayed in NYC for two years and got a job in a restaurant. I had the best time – I could be totally anonymous.”

Would you do a reunion? “We’ve been asked loads! I’d do it cos I’ve got no shame but the other guys don’t want to, they’ve got their careers. But I think it would be a giggle... and I have aged the best! I got a call a month ago about a TV show for a pop reunion where they’d follow you around for a week practising and then you’d have to perform at the end. They really

“I saw George Michael’s

ry”

willy. It was hai

So what do you do now? “I do interiors and paint effects. I’m so much happier now, I like an easy life. I still write as well

wanted us – we were their first choice and I was like, ‘why the fuck was Big Fun your first choice!?’” Zwe are really loving zwe hate magazine, yah!?

Next month: The London Boys!*

* Actually, no, they’re dead (see pg 079)

CO CK!

FU C K I N G FE EL I N G

Stteea S al l h he er r s st ty yl le e! ! MII C M CH HEELLLLEE Mc M cM MA AN NU US S

FA S T HAT F ’S S O AH IO N SHI T LOOK !

FA SH TH AT IO N ’S S O A SH I T LO OK !

The Pop Idol star’s having a beached whale of a time and you can too!*

RHINO ARMS Scoff Whoppers five times a day to gain these monster arms. No time? Get those portly pinkies in seconds by simply sticking each of your digits through a raw Walls Butchers Choice sausage.

HELP! I can’t breathe! Some bastard’s stuck a Mars bar down me friggin’ blowhole!

SPARE TYRES

THUNDER THIGHS Make a big splash on the beach by ramming choccie, crisps and ice cream in your gob every time you open it .

SWIM COSTUME

Michelle looks rubbish, and that’s cos she’s wearing it! Steal her swimming cossie style by stitching 27 black binliners together! STOCKISTS Somerfield, Tesco, KFC, Burger King, Poundstrecther, Safeway, Sainsburys, a petrol station near you

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*Michelle McManus is kindly sponsored by Burger King

Go from Michelle to Michellin by popping to your local Kwik Fit fitter and forcing two big tyres over your gut!

A --ZZ !! A

A-Z

TH T HE E Why am I such a prick?

OF O F W WO OR RK K II N NG G II N N .. .. ..

MAGAZINES! Think that working in publishing is a glamorous, whirlwind of parties, piss-ups and passion? Excuse us while we crush your dreams.

hen you read your favourite mag, you take it for granted that everything is sitting there perfectly on the page, ready for your consumption. Fact is, the magazine office is tougher than Fiona Phillips’ jowls. Oh, and that’s if your title still exists – The Face and J17 were folded faster than you can say ‘Geri, let go of the kebab!’ Here’s the full A-Z of magazine malarky…

A is for… Alcoholism

Approximately 84% of magazine folk are on the Tracy Shaw Drink To Destruction ProgrammeTM. Press launches, lunch, after work drinks, etc. You hear all those reports on the news about this new breed of female drunk? They’re all journalists – well, you’d drink yourself to death if you’d spent all day on the phone trying to track down that EXCLUSIVE! (see E) real-life story about the one-legged lesbian dwarf who’s given birth to Les Since I’ve stopped Dennis’s being anorexic, my cokeplump new titties make the perfect place to addicted, hold champagne! deformed love child.

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B is for… Bitching and backstabbing

Of course, bitching occurs in every office, but it’s taken to new levels in the cut-throat world of journalism. Remember: these wordsmiths are hired because they can write nasty comments about people – it’s their job! B is also for… Hands off, CUNT Beauty cupboard Frequently raided and resulting theft blamed on the poorly-paid Nigerian cleaners. Fig 1.0 – A bitch, yesterday

C is for… Coverlines

Essential in flogging your magazine. A recent issue of Glamour boasted of containing an astonishing (yet totally unwearable) 1237 hot looks. That’s enough to keep you in new daily outfits for four years. We prefer coverlines of the Chat variety, the most triumphant being the issue dated 6 Feb 2002: ‘Eat Cheese or DIE! My husband stabbed me 16 times because I said no to a chunk of Cheddar.’

C is also for… Competitions

Don’t bother entering them unless it’s for some fuck-off amazing prize - if

the crime can go unnoticed, all magazine staff will happily steal all the goodies for themselves.

D is for… Dieting

At any one time on a women’s mag, 66% of staff will be on a diet, most likely to be a combination of the latest fad they are writing about and the Tracy Shaw Drink To Destruction ProgrammeTM. Makes for very interesting Fig 1.1 – A hack, lunch time chat hacking up about which rice cakes are the most nutritous and hate-filled glances when Mars send in its entire new range of ice cream to be featured in the mag. 100% of staff will then forget their stupid diet and sample said ice cream. 45% will then run to the bogs and stick their fingers down their throat.

E is for… Exclusive!!!! An opportunity to use lots of pretty exclamation marks and the only way to entice readers to your, frankly, less-than-revelatory téte-â-téte with Kerry McFadden’s auntie’s next door neighbour’s cathater-emptier. E is also for… Ego An prerequisite for working in the trade. Often of monster-sized proportions among young celebrity writers and art directors who believe that they’re the spawn of Christ. Oi!: it’s only a fucking magazine!

F is for… Fashion Fashion is deceptive: you’d expect this department to sit around all day flicking through Oyster and Homme Plus while editing together some

NEVER AGAIN 103

sexy stuff to shoot: GET REAL FOOL! Fashion is no easy ride – unless you work on Vogue or Harper’s and have oodles of assistants to do all your dirty work. The pie-chart below shows what fashion bods actually do all day!*

lly

t Ac

Begging PRs to borrow their clothes for your tatty rag 21%

‘a

’

Surfing th houses/h e net for olidays

Pr e ‘ap tend i po int ng t me o b eo nt 6% n s’

Tediously returning garments 20%

Phoning/ ret g P éarguing with kin rapp n i Dr ny f cinos couriers in sk e-cuc 19% t Ordering t la 10%

bikes 14%

* This actually adds up to 103%, but that’s how worked into the ground fashion bods are.

Fig 1.2 – A day in the life of the ‘fashionista’ F is also for… Fags The most important dietry intake for many a hack, Marlboro Lights are fave (Vogue, Wallpaper*, followed by B&H (Nuts, Woman’s Weekly).

G is for… Gossiping

The prelude to Bitching (see B). Did you hear about so-and-so going for that job? Is it true XXXXX (enter flagging magazine title here) is folding? Have you seen the state of what she’s wearing?

H is for… Horoscopes

Made up stuff ’n’ nonsense designed to feed your paranoia and therefore buy even more magazines to solve all of the problems in your pathetic and miserable existence. Clever. Generates valuable revenue through £1 per minute 0901 numbers.

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I predict you’ll go bankrupt phoning all my phonelines tooooo...

I is for… If in doubt, make it up! Bollocks. Can’t find that final expert for a quote? Is anyone really going to notice? Well, unless you sell as much as Heat, no. Just make it up! Editorial assistant only received three letters this month? One from the schizo stalker (all mags have one) one complaint and one requesting another issue cos theirs had pages missing? Make it up! ‘Dear Mizz, I lurrrved your feature on Phixx – it had me frothing at the gash!”

J is for… Jordan

Put the slapper on your cover and it sells. Hell, even Sneak did it!

Bump up yer sales with me baps!

K is for… Kate and Jefferson

The reason everyone enters the media, ever, is to winch a celebrity spouse (fact!). Only one underwhelming Dazed editor managed it. Something Eat like the class nerd going into me! the office and telling their colleagues they’re shagging Brad Pitt. Pity Jeff couldn’t keep her on a leash, though, eh?

L is for… Look, as in, Lovin’ that look (aka Steal her style) Why anyone would want to look like Dido is foolish. Now we’ve got to look at her as well as listen to her records. AAARRGGGHHGH!

M is for… Meetings

In the magazine world, meetings are about passing the buck, slagging off people not in the meeting and deciding if we really do want to run another feature on celebrities having bad hair/zits/stale cum down their leotard.

GOSSIP! GOSSIP!

Minge!

ormer star of the Funky Bunch and my teenage wank fantasy, Marky Mark was rushed to casualty last night after ripping his ringpiece attempting to pull out a bottle of Smirnoff Ice from his anus. As our pictures reveal, homosexuals the world over will be skipping with delight with the news that Marky’s true sexual preferences are known, with the chance to bum him now an option. Sadly, Mark died during surgery to remove the Frig off! It’s bottle. nice and warm in here!

JACK WHITE’s ‘hardest button to button’ JACK W HITE’s ‘hardest butt on t o b ut t on ’ No.391: The top jean 106

My top jean button is often hard to do up as my huge bulge gets in the way.

THE EV E V II L L EYES

You’ll never believe what I saw…

Sarah Jessica Parker rifling through pee-stained second-hand clothes in Oxfam, Walthamstom, sending celebrity editors the world through into panic… Pat Butcher in the Candy Bar, off her humungous tits on coke… Moira Stewart, Got any trapped in smack? a K-Hole in the bogs of G-A-Y bar, London… Pat and Moira in Ann Summers, Wardour Street buying KY and double-headed dongers… Fred Elliott Harder! I say, harder!

from Corrie stuffing Jamie Oliver in Chariots Sauna, Liverpool Street… Dev from Coronation Street buying Just For Men (Raven, N046) in Superdrug, Crewe... , in Sainsbury’s, Dalston… Samantha Mumba trying to secure a new contract – in her new role as a phone saleswoman for Phones4U, Dublin… Zig and Zag on a shelf in the Scope Bum holes! show, Bow…

FU N

Each month Kim and Aggy put on their Marigolds and dig around in the depths of a celebrity. This issue: Peter Andre’s lover, Jordan yn sm at’ Whain? ag

Sucking off Pete

0.1%

e am

Su horcking ses off m y

New sexual ways to fool Pete into believing I love him when I am in fact using him to promote my book

47%

Must top up my fake tan

11%

When next to touch up my 34GG titties in front of the cameras

23%

SLAG!

B R A IN Aggy says: We scientifically analysed what few thoughts Jordan has to see just how dirty her mind is!

B R A IN

T I T T I E S Kim says: Oh my lord,

T IT T IES

under Jordan’s bosom folds we found an entire family of cockroaches living off sweat and decaying beef from Dane Bowers’ old Big Macs. They must have moved in while she was on I’m A Celeb. A bit of vinegar will kill off the evil pesties and have her baps sparkling too.

Dirty? Moi? Didn’t you know jizz is the best way to mop up excess fake tan?

F AN NY Kim says: Och, ya dirty wee slut! As well as finding horse hair in Jordan’s genitals – proof she indulges in equestrial sex – we analysed her vaginal juices and found 367 different types of sperm! Never mind lumps of Shockwaves gel from Peter Andre’s head!

FAN NY

I was in Animal Farm y’know

A N U S Aggy says: No wonder Gareth’s got speech problems – we found his brace clamped to Jordan’s sphincter. What a rimmer!

A N US

V ER D IC T Aggy and Kim says: We were both physically sick after rifling through Jordan’s genitals. This bitch is filthier than a steaming turd from Rab C. Nesbitt’s arse!

V ER D IC T

107

Och aye, I’ll sort ye out!

DEAR

Lorraine

E-MAIL: sortmyshitlifeout@hate.co.uk (don’t expect a reply, though)*

*Lorraine accepts no responsibility for wrecking your sad, piss-poor life as a result of her nonsensical made-up advice

‘He only wants me for fame’ Dear Lorraine

My boyfriend is cute and I is pregnant again with a brand new baybee inside of me. But I think he’s only with me cos he wants to be on telly and he’s already had it off with someone else and now I’ve dumped him to be a single mum. Am I being poloroid? Jade, Outer Mong-olia Lorainne replies: Ooh, Jade, ya silly wee tart! Of course, you’re not being paranoid – ya wee scamp of a man is only after ya cos he wants to get his pretty wee mug on telly, just like me on Lorraine Live, ITV, 9.05am. Why else would such a cute wee thing like him wannae shack-up with an illeterate gob-shite walrus like you,

108

I HATE THE COW

I co-present a Dear Lorraine show with fat boy Eamon Holmes and hate this bitch who has her own show full of beauty and gossip. Should I poison her big jug of water? Kate, a big sofa, London Lorainne replies: Oh, Kate, ya wee hussy. Try and muscle in on ma job and I’ll snap ya skinny wee pins in two!

eh? No, Jade, what ya need to do is realise that you’ll be bloody lucky to get anyone as cute as him to put his wee trousersnake up yer noo-noo, so just be bloody grateful. Now you’ve got a second sprog on the way, you can leave it up to ya wee laddo to get on TV and bring in the bucks while you sit on ya lardy arse on yer vile Linda Barker sofa covered in baby puke and watch me, the fabulous Lorraine Kelly, bring fashion, lifestyle tips and entertainment into your nasty Barrat home every weekday after GM:TV. Och-ay!

‘Kinky sex almost killed me!’ caught MRSA Dear Iafter treated Lorraine for a being punctured

lung I got during sleazy sex. How can I avoid such mishaps? Leslie, Chelsea Lorraine replies: Ooh, Leslie, ya wee slut! You must take more care when getting pummelled. Next time yer man bangs you so hard ya fall off the bed, simply make sure ya land face down - yer huge fish lips will act as a bouncy castle and you’ll spring back up to the bed and onto yer chap’s big jammy dodger! Ooh, Leslie, and

AM I NORMAL? Since appearing on Dear Lorraine Big Brother and then getting axed from my job, I’ve had to keep my tits out to get in the papers. Is this normal? Ms Lawler, London

Lorainne replies: Well, no, Ms Lawler, frankly, it’s not normal. Put your skinny wee boobies away, get a job behind the till in Lidl, and watch me on Lorraine Live, every day at 9.05am and learn how to present properly ya wee slutty hussy. to think all of us here at Lorraine Live – my lifestyle entertinment show at 9.05am on ITV – thought you got that trout pout through surgery when all along you plumped up yer lips by sucking

Kelitoris’s SS EEX X text

To learn how to suck lollipops in a sluttish, suggestive manner, Text SUCKER to: KELITORIS How I bring all the boys to the yard to drink their milkshakes, Text MILKY to: KELITOIRS

so much cock! A fantastic way of avoiding a costly cosmetic procedure and a great tip to steal and use on my show.

‘Am I a batty boy?’

Dear Lorraine

I got bashed at 4am in the morning out walking my dog. This guy touched my willy and I liked it but he ran off with my mobile. Am I gay? Anon Lorraine replies: Yep, you’re gay ya wee cock sucker! If you don’t come out on Lorraine Live you’ll end up cruising parks for the rest of yer pathetic wee life!

KATE ’ S S E X CLINIC

HE H EL L

‘What is rimming?’

bling skills with those whores, you could I picked a guy up at the have been E-MAIL: itsgoodtofuck Shadow Lounge and he asked If in getting roasted @hate.co.uk me to ‘rim’ him. What does doubt, don t by the entire pull it out! this mean? Will, Notting Hill footie league... ooh, ’ang on, I’ve droped me Kate replies: Are you a homo B&H… yeah, that’s exactly or wot, Will? Rimming is the what I would’ve done if I hadn’t insertion of your tongue into done it already. So what if he’s your partner’s willing anus. had affairs – doesn’t everybody? Here’s a modelling shot you Got kids? Fuck ’em! Dump him, My footballer husband has won’t have seen of me getting get yourself down Trap bar, get just confessed to two affairs rimmed by some guy I found on some charlie up yer and get and sending sexy text messages the streets. Hope it helps! Bye! going, girl. ’Ere, to the pair of tarts. I love him your bloke doesn’t with all my heart – should I happen to be called stick by him? Victoria, Herts David is he? He did me up the rear Kate replies: God, get with the after an Homme programme, bitch! While your Plus shoot. See ya! man was out practising his dribSomeone rimming Kate, earlier

‘Cheating scum!’

BRITNEY

KAT

DARLING BRITNEY, MY RADIOHEAD HURTS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU

BUT THOM, YOUR LOVE’S SO TOXIC IT’S TURNED MY FANNY INTO A WILLY! BUT I CAN LEARN TO LOVE YOUR WILLY, BRITNEY. I’LL CLOSE MY EYES WHEN WE DO IT – EVEN MY WONKY ONE!

SORRY THOM, BUT THERE’S NO WAY YOU’RE DOING ME UP THE BATTY! I CAN ONLY TOSS MESELF OFF NOW. OOH! YEAH!

MY GAWD, I FEEL SO DIRTY. I KNOW OUR MIX OF INDIE AND POP LOVE IS WRONG AND NOW LOOK AT THE RESULT. AGH! CALVIN HOLBROOK

BUT BRITNEY, YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF, YOU DO, AND THAT’S WHAT REALLY HURTS. WONDER IF CHRISTINA AGUILERA FANCIES A FUCK?

NEVER

109

G G O S S I P GO OS SS SI IP P

Flange!

Activia tart!

Minge!

All the hottest, totally fabricated stories from the world of celebdom!

ROMEO: THE KINDA GUY THAT WILL SUCK YOU OFF!

So Solid’s Romeo Dunn has sensationally come out after admitting that his real name is actually Homeo Funn. “Coz I iz from Hackney, we had to cover up me batty ways so we uzed East End rhyming slang to change my name from Romeo to Homeo.” The singer, who recently had a hit with the It’s All Gravy, explained what the mystery track is about: “That song is about when a man release his love juices on me, and my Homeo! love for that, innit?

But me had to disguise in it a way that made people think of Bisto’s gravy granuals instead and not me batty love desires. Why do you’s think me band is called So Solid? Coz we’ve all got rock hard knobs and do each other up the batty!” We tried to contact Lisa Maffia to confirm the story, but she was out shopping for cats and dildos with Cat Deeley and Edith B.

SPEARS RAPED BY SPEAR Singer pregnant (again) after attack

ritey Spears is up the duff after being raped by the nose of a singer from Slipknot. As our exclusive! celebrity snap reveals, babe Britney was simply hitching up her vile white dress when

Hmmm, did I put my tampon in this morning or not? I can’t remember for the life of me...

Posh’s T T h o u g h tt Th ho ou ug gh ht O O ff T T h ee D D a y Of Th he Da ay y #764 112

the Slipknot singer ran up behind her and forced his elonSlip it to me one gated more time! nasal piece full of sperm inside her. The shock incident, witnessed only by our reporter who let it continue

so we could actually have a story to write about, happened after the two met at this year’s Smash Hits Poll Winners Party. According to Slipknot’s spokesperson, the evil attack happened in response to Britney’s latest flop single: “OK, Britney wants to change her image by releasing her verison of I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll, but Slipknot decided just how much she loved rock ‘n’ roll by taking her up the shitter. Spears, 37, singer of Oops... I Did It Again, is now deciding whether to have yet another abortion.

Preggers!

Gotta story? E-mail us at: hello@hatemagazine.com

GARETH’S GATE HATE

Pop Idol stutterer is sss, sss, sss... oh, just read it The wooden gate that keeps people out of Gareth Gate’s luxury Docklands slum has hit out at the star after receiving unprecedented amounts of abuse. It seems irate fans of the spiky-haired singer have been so desperate to catch a glimpse of Gareth in his boxers that they’ve scaling its barbed-wire heights. Gareth’s Gareth’s gate Gate: try back entry instead said: “I am so sick of this – all

I’m the Hater Gater!

these pre-pubescent schoolgirls Fuck off you bitches! come here waving their ‘I Love Gareth’ banners and trying to kick me down – you should see the bruises on me metalwork. And the things I hear them say they want to do to Gareth – it turns my stomach!” Gazza was out shopping for Christmas Fairy Lights when we tried to contact him last night; all he would say was: “The subject of my gate is closed.”

Batty

Cum dump!

WH W HA ATT’’ SS YO Y OU UR R F FLL A AV VA A ?? with CRAIG DAVID

Well Dirrty David, I’ve got a distinct whiff off halibut about my chaps! Hey Christina, me saucy slut, can you tell me what your flava is?

SEPERATED AT BIRTH?

Claire Sweeney

Juliette Lewis

Turn for more pointless trash

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GO G OSS SS II PP

CC EELLEEB BR RIITTY YM MA ATTH H SS!! Christmas cake

Calm dahn, calm dahn!

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m Kate Whoreler!

Christmas pud

Twiglets

Leathery old sofa

Sprig of Holly

Tart

HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW!

80s Anthea: fright wig

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2003: shite wig

Poo stain!

Prick Waller

Geri Veryunwell

Holly Vallance ADVERTISEMENT

DIISSNNEEYY D

TTRR E E

NN DD SS

DICKHEADS

HEIDI KUM

It seems these celebs can’t stop themselves from mousin’ around. Well, their lives are like one giant cartoon after all!

AGH! Ohmigod, I’m an international supermodel – why’ve I made myself look like such a twat?

DAMON Listen up, ladies! All mice love cheese, and I’ve got enough under my knob to keep you all squeaking with delight! e knew the trend for Disney dressing had gone too far when we spotted this amusing pic of Maxine Carr sporting this comical Daffy Duck sweater while on trial for the Holly and Jessica murders. She’s just the sort of weirdo who’d read about this trend in Heat and then copy it. However, it seems to have backfired. Do you want to go down like Maxine, too? Well, do you?

If my next sprog has Minnie ears, I’ll pin ’em back!

Oi, Geri, stop copying my top!

Kate Moss Kate

Smeg Smeg Matthews

Shut it, SKANK.

Geri Veryunwell

Eat me Geri!

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ON N SS U TTIIO O LL U SO RE R ES

GREAT DANE

I M UST DITCH THE SUNBED!

M UST

Cat’s turning into Judith Chalmers, so she’s promised to give up the sunbed for 2003. We asked a bunch of other stars their resolutions

RICHARD AND JUDY

Eat 2003 Big Macs so I can build on my flagging fame status by wading my fat, bloated arse around Celebrity Fat Club 6. Drink more!

VANESSA BELCH I must learn that when I’ve pigged the entire contents of a Harvester, to move onto chomping on my credit card is just plain greedy.

116

Since we’ve been dumped from Channel 4, I’ve promised to stop putting down my alcowife Judy and stop offering my arrogant point of view all the time.

Seeing ill with all as I’ve been so smack a this clubbing, ta nd kin do some sucking cock, I m g work and ig go back ht My Fair to Lardy.

MARTIAN McCRUTCHES

“I’ll shut my big gob, cut my knobby hair, go back to Wales and spontaneously combust.”

ULRI-CACK prof In 20 ite 0 old ering 3 I mu Ooh men a from l st stop ove , an nd som d I mus TV prestrists w ith e ne t po e w b p to nters. ed s I hee kea for ts.

I’m gonna star in the new DFS advert as a leathery old sofa and get my Stanna stairlift installed. Bless Thora Hird!

DONATELLA

SOPHIE

As a top male model, I must retain my figure but also eat adequately to provide tidbits for the family of sparrows that live in my facial hair.

“Learn not to come across like a smug cow and get my static body down to Pineapple studios.”

Die

Boil my lisping head in a pan of hot water and sell it to Sainsburys!

JAMMY OLIVERS

JAMES GOADING

BRAD

Get my pot holes filled in

Suck off the producer of EastEnders to get my part back – why couldn’t that shitty Kim Medcalf have died in that car crash? Failing that, launch my DanniDiperTM – mansize tissues for fellow gak-frazzled mononostrilers!

DANNIELLA 117

SUICIDE WATCH: r .i.p. in 2003 r . i . p. i n 2 0 03

Which celebs are most likely to top themselves next year and how? We predict the answers!

VICTORIA BECKHAM

After the recent shock of plans by terrorists to kidnap her and her two children, Skeletor will become obsessed with the whole near-incident to the point where she will start enacting it out herself. Hubby David Beckham will be extremely concerned by his wife’s behaviour, and although the motive has been in the papers, he will not think to pay the £5m ransom. Victoria will enact the final stage of the kidnapping by blowing her brains out, only, unlike what would have ensued with the terror gangs, she will spare the sprogs. Britan’s most adored celebrity couple will be no more and David will quit footie, take the children to a secret I luv ya hideaway and change his Dave! BANG! name to Divad.

SADNESS RATING 3/10

JARVIS COCKER

GRAHAM NORTON

After winning the National TV Award for Most Popular Talk Show, Yum, balls! Graham will enter a state of entrancement, lose all his confidence and not win next year’s award. This will be too much for him to handle, especially because he needs two awards to use for weight-lifting. He’ll top himself by going to a children’s play pit and drowning himself in all the balls. A new Graham Norton show will emerge in the memory of the man – Elton John to host. The show will be destined to never win any awards. Which will be fine by Mr Elton John as he’s happy to continue lifting the feathers he plucked from that peacock in Holland Park.

SADNESS RATING 5/10

All thrifted-out, Jarv will shock fans and the budget-conscious fashion world by sporting attire from the Armani collection. Cocker is rumoured to sign a multi-million contract for the next campaign, after confessing he has long yearned to put on something previously ‘unworn’. Later, he will regret his decision and in an attempt to reclaim his vintage reputation, melt his favourite thrift outfit onto himself. This over-zealous attempt to save his reputation will result in fatality. Stylist wife Camille Bidault-Waddington, will be widowed, questioning her own vintage chic, and Pulp fans will burn their vinyl out of betrayal and mourning. SADNESS RATING 9/10

I’m gonna burn to a Pulp!

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘Tweak me’, 2007

D D e a r De ea ar r L L oorrrrrra a iin n ee Lo ai ne Gotta problem? E-mail Imasadfuck@hate.co.uk and Lorraine’ll sort you out*

“MY BABY’S REAL UGLY”

DD eeaarr LL oo rr rraa iinn ee

*Lorraine accepts no responsibility for wrecking your life as a result of her nonsensical piss-poor advice

I’ve just given birth to a boy that can only be desribed as ‘grotesque’. This child just does not fit in with my image. What can I do apart from adminestering Jude and Sadie-type drugs? Liz, London Ooh, what a little pickle you’ve got yourself into Liz, and what an ugly little pickle you seem to have produced! Your wee bonnie lad might be akin to Yoda, but ya simply cannae murder him – if you do, you’ll only end up with Taggart on your back! No, what you need to do is ship that child first class to an LA surgeon pronto and get his ugly mush scalpeled into something much more glamorous. While you wait, why not nip down to Bluebird café for a nice, fat slice of that marble cake I know you enjoy so

Och aye and boobies!

extra bucks roll-in! While your wee boy is out making the cash, take it easy by putting your feet up on your luxury sofa and watching me, every weekday morning on GM:TV bringing all the best fashion, lifestyle tips, real life stories and entertainment into yer wee home!

WRINKLIES MAKE ME HOT AND HORNY Dee aa rr D LLoo rr rraaiinn ee

I’ve got a very shameful addiction – I can’t stop shagging old bodies. It started as just a bit of fun but now it’s got out of control and now I’ve been impregnated by one of the corpses I porked. Catherine, LA

Oh Catherine, you dirty, little whore – ye just could ne stop yerself could you? Don’t ye know that shagging old SONIA’S S E X ADV IC E corpses will infest Masturbating a Merseysider yerself 0898 FRIG ME OFF with loads Double-ended dildo fucking of wee Ermm, 0898 DILDO FUCK Liverpool! maggots How to fist a scouser that’ll 0898 FIST FUCKER infest your boobies? much. Then, after your wee lad’s No, what you need to do is stick looking gorgeous, whip of the a coathanger up yer mufty and bandages and get him down to abort the wee OAP, unless ye a child model agecy quicksmart, wannae give birth to something get his lovely reshaped chops on that looks like Ethel from the new faces list and watch the EastEnders. Good luck!

120

AA DD VVII CC EE

S E X A D V IC E

“RAPE CLAIM SENT ME OVER EDGE” DD eeaa rr LLoo rrrr aa ii nnee

I’m on the brink of suicide after rape accusations and drug-taking exposés have reduced my TV career to tatters. What can I do to stop myself jumping into the North Sea? John, London Oooooh, John! It'll all die down soon enough! But in the mean time, why not pop down to Marks’s and treat yerself to a few of those stuffed Haggis’ – I know you love ’em. I remember, because of that time when we met up after I'd finished interviewing Princess Di on GM:TV and we went for a Champagne breakfast. But then you got a wee bit tipsy didn’t ya John, and tried to force your tongue down ma wee gob but I was having none of it. Careerwise, just lie back, enjoy watching me on the wee box bringing quality fashions, lifestyle and advice into your luxury home while the baliffs take all your fancy goodies to the auction. Oooh, by the way boyo – if you’re going down, don’t wear your kilt in the slammer. I may have homosexual friends, but those inside will have their hands down your sporon quicker than you can say Jimmy Crankie. Still, at least you’ll know what sexual assault feels like, ya scamp!

ARTVERTISEMENT

‘Cock ring No2: Francois reconstructed’, 2010

“Take that you bint!”

THE ANTI-CELEB READ

ISSUE 1 FREE! Fuck off Geri you vile cow – I’m in this for the cash!

God, I’ve finally found a real friend. You love me Davina, you really love me!

What did Boy George get up to in Chariots?

THEHIT LIST Celebs get shot!

DD Knob cheese!

See me get my kit off inside!

FREE INSIDE! YOUR CUT OUT ’N’ KEEP BRIAN DOWLING!

..THE H I T LIST...

HIT

1 1

Our Top 10 most hated celebs of the moment. Just PISS OFF!

’em in the Mersey. Take note you trio of blonde, cloned bitches!

GRAHAM NORTON

Fast becoming the Noughties equivalent of Danny LaRue, we’re sick of this Dolce & Gabanna clad Leprechaun parading his tired, smutty ‘humour’ on TV every night of the week. Why don’t you hop back on RyanAir never to grace our shores again?

44 TRACY SHAW

This stick-like actress isn’t grinning unless she’s got her skinny little tits out in the paper. Well, she’s not smiling now she’s been told she has to take a pay cut of £20,000 to stay in Corrie – she’s threatened to leave... Close the door on the way out, twiglet.

22 RICHARD MADLEY 55 JAMIE OLIVER Apparently, when hosting This Morning with alcowife Judy, his ideas went down like a lead balloon (or like Judy after two rum ‘n’ cokes). His silly suggestions warranted a ‘Richard’s stupid ideas’ file, where all his thoughts ended up. No wonder the new show is shit. Knob cheese.

ATOMIC KITTEN

Covering Blondie’s The Tide Is High? Tsk. You know what scallies do with unwanted kittens in Liverpool? Chuck ’em in binbags with bricks and lob

BINTS!

124

“And you can fill my whole again!”

Now that Junior’s born, we hope the lisping mockney will spend more time looking after his kid instead of on TV. Why does he stick his tongue out like a constipated baby in the Sainsbury’s ads?

66 BRIAN DOWLING An out gay presenter on kids’ TV is great, but if you’re as camp as Dowling, surely all the poofy 10-yearolds tuning into SM:TV are gonna think that’s the way all gays act?

GERI

New book? Mince! Naked except for wearing tape measure on the cover? Must be Geri Veryunwell. We’re literally gagging all the way to the bogs for part two – just like Geri after that second packet of HobNobs.

88 J.LO

It seems Jen’s got her finger in every pie – movies, music, and now the big arsed bint’s got a perfume. She’s also got her finger in Ben Affleck (up his arse, we reckon).

Mmm, sweaty Ben bum!

J.Lo: old bag

SEEDY, 99 CLAIRE ER, SWEENEY

From GMTV’s Paedotastic TotStars to Chicago to those phone ads on the Tube, there’s no escape from Sweeney. We mourn the day the gun-totting cross-eyed lezza Lindsey Corkhill left Brookie. And judging by the show’s ratings, so does Phil Redmond. Sucker.

1100 GIRLS

HEAR’SAY

Myleene and Suzanne are out all over town with their baps out again in a desperate bid to plug their new single, which we can’t even remember the name of and can’t be arsed to find out. Put ’em away, girls and fuck off back to your council estates. Slappers.

FREE! YOUR CUT OUT AND KEEP GARDEN GNOME!*

YOUR CUT OUT AND KEEP

D D

* WE TAKE NO

UT & KE EP

CU TO

RESPONSIBILITY, NOR CARE IF BRIAN FAILS TO REMAIN ERECT

es, that’s right! Free! Nought! Zilch! No self-respecting ironisist is complete without their cut out and keep Brian Dowling Garden Gnome. A perfect addition to your garden patio or living room mantlepiece, O .. 1 1 NO IE E N BI EB EE RE FR F Brian is perfect for scaring off goldfish-consuming herons or flicking bogeys at (he’d probably love that in real life). Simply stick this page onto cardboard, cut around Brian’s rather girly frame and, tada! You’re away. Manage to flick a greeny in the spiderweb on Brian’s poncey jumper and we will love you forever – send you bogeyfied Brian’s into us at the usual address and we’ll print the dirtiest.

WHY BRIAN IS V V IIL LE E 1 His cheeks are far too red (an afflication caused by sucking off H from Steps post SM:TV).

Why am I an Irish cock?

2 Brian Dowling is an anagram of Boring Nil Wag. Says it all.

3 The nonse Irish scamp has an appalling taste in clothes – just cos it’s Gucci don’t mean you look hot, twat.

FOLD HERE

125

G G O S S I P GO OS SS SI IP P FAT RIK CAN’T SEE HIS DICK

Tit wank

Womb!

All the hottest, totally fabricated stories from the world of celebdom! a (paid for) blow job. “It was gross,” said Ima. “I pulled back a layer of fat only to find an even bigger roll underneath – it was neverending. And when I eventually did find his shrivelled up chopper, Rik had passed out with Grossly overweight Flop Idol Rik a Sara Lee Gateaux in his WallerAboutLikeAFatRhinoInMud mouth. I just robbed his has admitted to not having seen fake Louis Vuitton walhis own genitalia for 25 years. let and scarpered.” The 37-year-old flobberRik, whose cover of chops admitted his problem Whitney’s Houston’s after Spearmint Rhino lapI Will Always Love You dancer Ima Cheapwhore (And The Contents Of revealed in the News Of The Your Fridge) World of her 45-minute search for Poor Rik’s reached 162 his cock in an attempt to give him got no prick in the charts, admitted this sad, pathetic Th T h ii s s ii s ss su ue e ’’s s event had happened. “It’s true – the last time I saw my own S I L LY C O W tackle was aged 12 tossing off while watching Jill Dando on Crimewatch with a pasty in the other hand. Within days I had ballooned and my todger vanished under the flab.” Rik, who’s so large that he has to get a Meals On Wheels lady to wipe his arse after taking a dump, isn’t worried, though. “As long as

SI L LY C O W

“Christina, What A Girl Wants is some decent styling, and you ain’t got it! Moo!”

I’ve got a supply of Ginsters pork pies, Walkers Full Fat crisps and Coca-Cola in my enormous larder, I couldn’t care if my whole body engulfs itself suffocating myself in the process.”

FROM DAN TO PAN

Former EastEnders ‘star’ Danniella Westbrook has finally given up the nose candy after finding solace in the Peter Pan fan club, as our pic reveals. Danniella, 45, admitted that her huge coke habit had left feeling like she missed Danniella: out her Down the Pan childhood. “I became a Gak head at the age of five,” said Dan. “Instead of playing with Barbie dolls, I was snorting lines off the back of Bunty. But since discovering the

Hmmm, did I take David’s chicken fillets out of the freezer or not…?

Posh’s T T h o u g h tt Th ho ou ug gh ht O O ff T T h ee D D a y Of Th he Da ay y #247 126

THE EEVVII LL EYES

Chase me!

Minge

Gotta story? hatemagazine@hotmail.com the Peter Pan club, I can spend all day dressed up in this twattish outfit and stay young forever.” However, the man running the Peter Pan club, Ben Dover, has his concerns: “The kids all love Dan, but they keep wanting to stick Tinkerbell up her mono-nostril. I just fear that one day it’ll happen and Dan’ll stop breathing.” We can but dream.

‘H’ IN NEW MONIKER SHOCKER

Ex-Steps nonce H has announced he has changed his name to Y. The SM:TV host, who presents the show with fellow fag Brian Dowling, decided on

the drastic ‘step’ after an increasing number of his close friends kept asking why he was such an annoying tosser. “All my mates kept saying things like, ‘Why don’t you get your knobby hair cut’ or ‘Why don’t you fuck off H: pouting back to the Welsh tart Valleys?’ “I decided it’d be easier all round to change my name,” said Y. Musical partner Claire said, “He’s a thick fucker. At least Y sounds better than H. We all knew that it stood for homo. Stupid Welsh knob.”

I SPY, WITH MY LITTLE EVIL EYE, SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH...

...Noel and Danny Hear’say on their hands and knees enjoying a double-headed dildo on the steamroom floor of Chariots sauna in Liverpool Street while being satisfied orally by Boy George and Dale Winton... Natalie Cassidy, aka, fat Sonia from ’Enders thundering down Chigwell High Street on her mobile while struggling to carry bagfuls of fat filled Lisp! munchies from Marks & Spencer. Overheard: “Yep, Rik, I’ve got the Mr Kiplings in, get yer lardy ass around my gaff for a midnight feast’... Another lass with a weight problem, Geri Veryunwell shoving Whoppers and King Fries into her cavernous gob, quickly followed by ice cream, and then coughing up her spindly guts on the floor of the ladies of Burger King, Staines… Harry The Dog vomming up his Bakers Complete after Vom! sniffing Geri’s puke – proof that an old dog can teach her own dog new tricks… Enders’ Zoe Slater perched up on Archway’s suicide bridge with razor blades and paracetamol. “Let me shag the fit black doctor or I’m going smash my brains in you fucking bastards!” That’s the

SEPERATED AT BIRTH?

Gobby, talentless chimp from the PG Tips adverts

Posh, over-friendly homo Pop Idol Will Young

Ender me. Bye!

127

JACKO JERKS OFF

During his recent trip to London, Wacko Jacko couldn’t resist getting to grips with a tasty young morsel...

“Mmm, so soft – do you use Timotei?”

2 Is this the way to the creché?

OK, Wacko, we all love to sniff a solied panty, bit that’s just DIRTY

YYO OU U’’V VEE B BEEEEN N FFR RA AM ME ED D!!

“Get your hands off me you fucking paedo!”

Celebrities caught on camera...

It’s one off the wrist for me!

Cliff feels a (little) bit of a knob

MOULDY OLDIES They may have been lusted-after once, but growing old gracefully just ain’t an option for this trio of biddies. We say: ‘Good on ’em!’

Happy Heather after!

Paul got totally ‘legless’ at his wedding bash...

128

I love a good blow!

A floppy, wrinkly old bag of hot air. And some bagpipes.

Beyoncé’s a bit distressed about her on-stage barnet. Cover it up, love

Yoohoo Pink! Tickle me nads!

The closest a woman has ever got to Ricky Martin’s bollocks

DANCING DIVAS

Grunt, I gotta Work A Fart Out!

When they’re not miming instead of actually singing their own songs, we wondered what these dancing dick heads might be warbling about – so we put our own words into their mouths.

I’m a Tragedy!

Is it a pumpkin? No, Claire from Steps.

“Hmph, me back’s gone you fat cow!”

OK, you tosser. We all know you’re a fag!

“Hey Ricky! I’m getting moist for you baby, lick me out like, NOW”

Two fists down my gob and I’ll puke for England!

129

SSttyyllee CChhaalllleennggeedd::

FA S THA T’S S HI O O NO N TA GOO D LO O

FA S H IO N

MA M AD DO ON NN NA A

g hand It seems Madge needs a helpin

from the fashion police if she thinks

“Like, who’s playing down The Monarch tonight, Guy?”

it’s time to revive Britpop’s fashions*

OPP K IIEE TTO CK AC TTRRA

Clearly sponsored by Adidas, we can’t all be sent new trackies like Madge. Get a similar smelly acrylic sports top down The Stables Market, Camden Town

* ATTEMPT TO ‘STEAL MADONNA’S STYLE’ AND WE WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR LOSS OF CREDIBILITY

£1 £ 18 8 .. 0 00 0

130

TO CO TAL £3 ST:

2.5

MA M AN NK KY Y JJEEA AN N SS

Hey Madge, wearing so many stripes won’t make you go faster...

German exchange student baggies from some shite shop we couldn’t give a toss about £1 £ 14 4 .. 5 50 0

SSH HO OEESS

Dunno, as they’re hidden under those crusty flares (probably Buffalo boots) 2

£00.00

2 “Maybe I’ll get a job with a tan? Oops, I’ve left my clothes on.”

1 “No, don’t hang up! My trousers are shit but I’m a great actor!”

H OW B R AD M A DE IT IN TH E MOV I E S H OW B R AD M A DE IT IN TH E MOV I E S

EX E XC CL LU US SIIV VE E!!

3 “What if I try and cover up my awful shirt and tie combo?”

The route to the Hollywood big time ain’t easy, as Brad Pitt (now a tramp) proves in these pre-fame pics

L L

4 “OK, if I’ve gotta get my racket out to get work, I’ll do it!”

5 “It worked! That was my agent. I gotta part. Must dash.”

ong before the days of shagging Jen Aniston, Brad, like everyone else in LA, Spare some change for a was a desperate movie star wannabe, down and out? too. And as these publicity pictures show, the Pittster had to do more than his fair share of catalogue model posing before finally getting noticed. So why, after all his hard work is he dressing like a tramp? We can only think that Angelina loves the stubble burn down below.

6 “Fucking gay porn again, I should’ve known it. Bastards.”

7 “Sod this. I’m off to play Frogger. At least I’m good at that!”

She’s finally caught up with Kylie after signing a new six-album deal, but there’s been too many mishaps along the way...

imes can be tough if SHE’S IN FASHION you’re the little sis of a Danielle Jane Minogue was born in superstar pop icon, but Melbourne in 1971, and sniffed out thankfully for Dannii fame at the tender age of seven by Minogue, the lass is making a scoring TV roles in Aussie dramas comeback – just as Kylie is The Sullivans and Skyways. The reaching the pinnacle of her success of these shows led to a musical career. Thirty-year-old stint on Young Talent Time: securDannii has signed a £3million ing a permanent role on the show deal with London Records foland releasing an album of cover lowing the success of her numtracks (she massacred Madonna’s ber two collaboration with Riva, Material Girl) provided the perfect Who Do You Love Now? And as present for Dannii’s 11th birthday – well as flaunting a fab new figwhat more could a girl want? ure and being signed up by Well, quite a lot actually! Storm models, Dannii just got Dannii’s popularity with engaged (for the third time) to teenagers and grown men ex-Bros drummer Craig soared in Oz during her Logan. ‘Lucky bitch’ you teenage years, and in might be thinking (proba1988, aged just 17, bly not about the Craig she launched her first from Bros fashion label, the egobit), but tistically entitled things haven’t ‘Dannii’. Amazingly, always been the range sold out so lucky, in just 10 days. lucky, lucky for Let’s just hope Kylie’s sibling. Hello? Ms Minogue? the clobber was Here’s a detailed This is the fashion police. a darn sight look at the many You’re under arrest for groovier than crimes against style! Dannii Disasters™ some of the getspanning the realms of up’s pictured over her men, music and these pages – otherwise tragic fashion sense... there would have been a

132

O LO

E’ U G O MIN I I N N DA

BO ES

Aww, give us a break yer mingin’ buggers!

lot of appallingly dressed Mini Minogue’s wandering around the streets of Oz.

JUMP TO THE BEAT

So far, so good for Dannii. But by 1990, it was Kylie who was the more recognisable of the Minogue sisters in the UK – thanks to her role as Charlene in Neighbours and her huge chart success. During this period, most of us got our first taste of Dannii playing the rebellious punk bitch from hell Emma Jackson in Home & Away. Not content with soap life, it seems the jealous sis wanted a piece of the pop pie, too. She quickly relocated to London and launched her music career with Love & Kisses (already a success in OZ). The single peaked at number eight – not bad for a debut solo track, but hardly in the league of Kylie’s I Should Be So Lucky. While promoting her other Top 10 denters, Success and Jump To The Beat from the album Secrets, she was snapped in many a Dannii Disaster™ outfit in and around London town and in Smash Hits and other teen music mags. “When I arrived in London, I was the fat, ugly sister of Kylie,” said Dannii. “I know a lot of girls go through that

and worry they’re not as pretty as their big sister. Mine was on a world scale and it was difficult.” Following the Dannii Disaster™ foray into film acting, Secrets, Dan finally gets something right: she announces her marriage to Julian McMahon, former Home &

Into You only scrapes the Top 40 at a piss poor 36. Retreating into the arms of her loved one for comfort, just one year after their marriage, Julian had an affair with another co-star – well, he was in a different country after all: “There

on, I was the fat nd Lo in ed riv ar I n he “W y worry was ugly sister of Kylie. M

“Agh! Let me outta this Chamber of Horrors!”

on a world scale and it was difficult” Away co-star and son of the Ozzie Prime Minister. He’s a total spunk.

SURGERY’LL SORT IT

After a few more flop singles, we thought we’d heard the last of Dannii’s musical attempts as she weds her man aged 22 in 1994. Alas, months later, her second album Get

DD AANN NN II II ’’SS DD AATT EE SS

It seems this Dannii Disaster™ was a pivotal moment in her life, and just weeks later, she was shrugging off her break-up with suspected plastic surgery – could Dannii’s earlier paranoia over

People always ask me Who Do You Love Now?

1 Hot hubbie Julian McMahon. Total fuckin’ spunk. 2 Dannii drove Jacques crazy, but broke off their engagement. Bitches!

wasn’t just one thing that broke the marriage up. He was in New York and I was in London,” said Dannii. But who can blame Julian for doing the dirty? When asked what the highlight of her postmarriage life to date was, Ms Minogue said “my skydive from 10,000 feet was the best thing I’ve done in my life.” Months later, Dannii was dumped.

3 New love: Craig, ex-Bros. In it for the money?

her looks have led to time spent under the surgeons knife? Whatever the truth, following her marriage break-up and musical flops, she kept in the limelight by getting her kit off for wank mags like Loaded and FHM. However, by December 1996, Dannii was more interested in putting clothes on and unleashed another tragic collection of designs for Freemans catalogue.

Now I think, ‘Thank God I didn’t go through with that marriage!’” The future looked bleak for Dannii, but a reprise in her acting career came after she blagged a part in dire West End musical Notre Dame de Paris and a short stint in The Vagina Monologues. Thank God Strewth! What then for trance was I thinking?! act Riva, who plucked Dan from BACK ON TRACK? obscurity to sing Dannii took her new-found Third album Girl, vocals on their smash went straight in slutishness further with the hit Who Do You Love 1997 dance single All I Wanna the bargain bin at Now?, the success of Woolies. Oops. Do. However, the video which has lead to her caused a rumpus with her working with dance wandering around a room halfguru Roger Sanchez on her new naked and sticking her finger into material. Considering her career, a goldfish bowl and getting the Dannii recently said: “I never poor thing to suck it. Hmmm... expected after 10 years I’d still be However, it seems Formula One here and people would be excited driver Jacques Villeneuve must about my material. Ten years ago, have been playing with himself I was just another bloody soap star releasing music.” Indeed. And with her latest engagement to Scot Craig Logan, ex drummer from Bros, let’s hope while watching the vid Dannii Minogue finds some hapon Top Of The Pops as he made piness in her love life and doesa beeline for Dan. The couple n’t end up turning Bros’ hit Drop hooked up and they got engaged The Boy into another reality! 3 in October 1999 after a whirlwind “I’ve come through from being romance. Garnishing a a child star to a more mature £45,000 engagement performer, and along the way ring, rumours started that I’ve made mistakes. For a Dannii, who had fallen on long time the press upset me, hard times, was after but I realise now if I try to Jacques for his cash. please everyone, then I’ll After only a year, drive myself mad and end yet another Dannii up in The Priory!” Disaster™ struck – Well Dannii, we just the couple went off hope that reading this the race tracks. won’t drive you straight to At the time, she the loony bin! Just make said: “It was very sure you put these disasintense. The press Dannii tried to hang ters behind you, eh love? were everywhere. herself with tinsel after

her Dannii unleashed anot n for tragic fashion collectio e the Freemans catalogu

134

wearing this tragic top

DANNII’S

BU B UM M NOTES 1 Dannii makes a right arse of herself yet again

Parp!

Hmm, well, they do say I’m the best ride in town!

THE

X-WORD Finish it and you’ll not win a fucking thing you smug shit*

CCLLU U EESS

ACROSS 1 Arty types Emerging via Electroclash. 9 First name of faggy, Judith Chalmers-coloured TV host. 10 The crime committed against shag-about-town star Gary Lucy in Hollyoaks. 11 Small green vegetable or the size of Gareth Gates’ cock. 13 Billie and Chris snogging makes us ___. 14 If Brad Pitt sucked his own semen out of Will Young’s arse, it would be called this. 15 And if Brad fucked him up the arse, he’d need this. 16 And if Will ate Brad’s arse out it’s called _____. 17 Dwarf bitch that just Can’t Get Out Of Our Newspapers. 19 Spider-Man’s jizz. 21 Sad, bulimic, paranoid schizo no friends bint. 22 Fat alcoholic Judy Finnigan’s fell out on stage. 24 Where Will Young will end up if Brad fists him too hard. 25 Rod Hull (RIP) stuck his wrinkly hand up this old bird’s arse (no, not Bab Windsor). 26 George Michael, Elton John, Adam Rickett etc... 27 Our favourite pop star ever, Betty Boo was Doin’The __

136

“Hey, Rob! Fill in all the boxes and I’ll let you fill my box!”

Cheap slut!

9 10

14 15 17

21 23

22 25

28 30

36 37

28 First name of male star of shite flick Vanilla Gay, oops, Vanilla Sky. 29 You’d say this if we hit you hard in the cunt. 30 We imagine Madge’s minge has lots of this. 31 Linda from Gimme, Gimme, Gimme’s and our favourite insult. 32 Gillian Tayleforth is a prime example of this. 34 Danniella Westbrook had too much of this stuff and then she lost it. 36 Jay ___. Mental alcoholic that we love. 37 Dull as shit Islington-born female singer.

DOWN 1 Celeb-chef-fucking fat host of This Morning. 2 Her in 34 Across lost hers

after too much of that dirty nose candy. 3 Household material Zoe Slater could hang herself with (go on then, do it!). 4 Fruity Electro slut who likes to Set It Off. 5 This happened to Scary Carey after too many pills. 6 Atomic Kitten are all cheap and _____. 7 Anagram of LIE. 8 Dermot O’Leary’s shite music show. 12 Another made up word (god, we’re bored). 14 Rik Waller’s method of cooking sausages. 17 She’s still chuffing 20 a day while up the duff. Cool. 18 Sad musical biddie who pretended to suck off Stuart Manning in an album plugging attempt.

* There’s no room for the answers so if you can’t find them all, tough tittie

CU C UTTTT IIN NG G

19 You and me. 20 You use this to write or stick up your arse/fanny. 21 Second name of Kylie’s bisexual, watersports loving male model ex. 23 Jade is a fat one. 26 So Solid member or the name of Jordan’s firstborn. 28 If you can’t finish this puzzle, you’re this. 30 What Robbie Williams and Rachael hunter do on a cheap, crappy sunbed. 32 The star of 10 Across had his crime committed on top of this (and he loved it). 33 Enders’ Slater sister that sucks as much cock as she can stuff down her dirty gob. 35 Alternative word for help, what Martine McCrutches piss-poor career desperately needs.

I’ve got loads of fat bags but that doesn’t mean I’m one!

CC EELL EE BBSS UU PP TT HH EE DUFF!

Just because you’re expecting, doesn’t mean you should let yourself go, ladies...

BJORK

Jamie put a bun in my oven – now look at the state of me!

CZJ

JULES OLIVER

Huh-eekblee-niggh!

God, please don’t let me do a Katona now I’m preggers. PLEASE!

SHARLEEN

Peacocks

Huhn! I think I’m about to drop!

That’s better Shar – don’t grunt and you scrub up half decent

Celebs take note: do a Björk and garishly draw attention away from your vile sprog offspring

BITCH KITTEN

GL E ’’ GG ‘‘ J JIIG LE W IIT W TH H J JU UD DE E e can’t think of anything else we’d like more than getting our sweaty little paws around Mr Law’s meat ’n’ two veg. Sadly, that frosty bitch Sadie got their first (and now Sienna’s back on the scene...). Fret not, cos with our exclusive cut out Juggling Jude™ you can get naked and roll him around your living room for hours until you shoot your juicy load! HOW TO MAKE JUDE 1 Cut around the outline and fold up squares 1, 2, 3 and 4 and pull box 5 across. 2 Stick the flaps together. 3 You’re ready to roll! Don’t throw too hard – remember, it’s only paper and delicate Jude damages easily. Have fun!

CUT OUT & KEEP

2 NO O .. 2 BI E N IE RE EE EB FR F

4 3

1 Me and Terry Nutkins love nude Monopoly with Juggling Jude™!

138

Hey Glitter fans! Kidz Jizz keeps me looking young and beautiful. Get yours today! *

K K I D Z J I Z Z KI ID DZ Z J JI IZ ZZ Z

* Kidz Jizz cannot be held responsible in the event of your face falling off during usage

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...sh

e may be happily married with kids now, but as our exclusive open-mouthed piccies of Jason Donovan show, back in 1990 the former solo singer looked as camp as John Inman. Maybe Jase was trying to appeal to the gay community while launching his music career, following his role as Scott in Neighbours? Surely if these pics were used as evidence in The Face’s ‘Jase is gay’ court battle they wouldn’t have lost the case? We demand a retrial. NOW!

Surf’s up dude and so’s my ringpiece!

Feed me!

Stay in that position, Brian, I’m sure I left my lube in this pocket!

Wooh, chase me! I’ve got a gift Especially For You, big boys!

140

FF U UN N

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My hair’s gone now and now it’s your turn! Cheerio!

2010 Calvin Holbrook

Gizza a snog, innit

L II M L MI I EE D D DII TT II TT EED ON O N !! /1,0 00

Hate: The Worst Of is a collection of the most malicious material taken from Hate, the anti-celebrity, anti-culture humour fanzine. Full of bitchinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, art and bullshit, we give the stars a good kicking in the name of laughs!

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