From The Backwoods Pew

Forestry Olympics

The Olympics just finished. I know while they were in progress, it was keeping some loggers up at night. I am sure the wonder of the luge had them staring at the ceiling…right after wondering if any of his trucks will show up in the morning…and if any of his workers will show up to get them loaded…and if the mill will give him any loads this week…and how many flats his skidder will have…and will he be able to keep the mud off the highway…and where will the weigh-man be parked …and how will he pay for his kids to go to college? I guess maybe the Olympics weren’t high on the worry list for most loggers or foresters. But, if they did have an Olympics for those of us who wander through the woods each day, then maybe we could sign up for some of the following events.

ONE-HUNDRED YARD DASH:

The average distance a forester must race in order to outrun the average ground bee. Competitors must wear boots and jeans. Judges award extra points for style of dance performed over a ground bee’s nest, as well as the rhythmic timing of slapping his or her hat at the bees while dancing.

Forester must not fall down, particularly while dashing through the wooded course, nor collide with trees in any manner that would be described as a “face plant.”

RELAY: While being pursued by an angry horde of ground bees, the forester runs to others who may be in the woods with him, handing off as many of the aforementioned bees as possible. Each participant then engages in a one-hundred yard dash, or continues the relay. Competitors are disqualified in the event they include their boss in the relay.

MARATHON: What the forester passes while driving into a massive expanse of timber, knowing he needs gas, but deciding instead to get some on the way out. He then must hike out to the marathon with a can to get gas to drive his truck and himself home. It also may refer to a series of races be tween the truck and the woods, if the forester also ate lunch at the marathon.

SPRINT: The result of the for ester’s smart phone having no signal, and thus his hopes of finding his position on any Google Map and getting out of the woods before dark ness falls. Judges award points based on the amount of sweating

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and praying engaged in by the forester, as he races darkness to find his truck. Additional points are awarded for any “conversions” he promises, including: attending church, visiting the mis sion field, and entering the clergy. Points are deducted for “face plant” should forester run into a tree during the sprint.

HURDLE: Any of a series of ob structions that can be playfully placed in the path of contestants engaged in the one-hundred yard dash, sprint, or portions of the marathon, just to make it more entertaining. Obstacles can be large, blown-over trees, barbed-wire fences, bogs, rivers, or ditches. Con testants earn bonus points for any successful broad jump or pole vault.

BROAD JUMP: What the for ester used to do when he was young, and ditches were narrow and logs were small. Time has broadened the ditch, and inflated the logs. Points are deducted if contestant engages in a “face plant.”

POLE VAULT: Advanced form of broad jump. The forester uses a cut sapling, or piece of rotten wood to leverage himself over a hurdle. Judges award points for creative reasoning, as to why the forester thinks this is a good idea. The judge must deduct points for any applications of first aid, or if pole vault leads to butterfly.

BUTTERFLY: Stroke used by forester after attempting broad jump or pole vault over a canal that has a working ferry just a mile downstream.

THROWING THE DISC: This event requires the pull ing of a 70pound, water-soak ed beaver out of a culvert, while wearing chest waders on a cold winter morning, with the wa ter level in the ditch at least hip deep. The event will result in shooting pain in the back of the forester. Points are awarded based on the number of discs thrown. Points are deducted should water be allowed to enter the chest waders.

TRIPLE JUMP: The number of times the forester will jump as he nearly steps on a snake in the woods. Judges award points based on height of the individual jumps, as well as a smooth transition from triple jump to the one-hundred yard dash. Extra points are available if the forester actually encounters a snake, and not a stick that looked like one. Judges may deduct points for any words emitted by forester during the jumping sequence that could not be repeated in front of the clergy. Points are to be deducted should participant need a new change of clothes after the event.

FINISH LINE: “In My Fa ther’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to My self; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.” John 14:2-4

STARTING LINE: Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and

Excerpted from Pines, Prayers, and Pelts, Bradley Antill, author. Visit www.onatreeforestry.com for more information.