Out of Context: Haute Magazine's Fall 2019 Issue

OUT OF CONTEXT FALL 2019

1

KRIS MICALEFF

2

letter from the

editor

Dear Reader, Upon your initial glance at this season’s latest issue, you may be reading this note with a strange mix of hesitation, excitement, curiosity and anticipation; I for one certainly feel this way writing it.

Since we last encountered each other in January, Haute has had almost one too many growing pains and blossomed beautifully into more than I could have ever foreseen for it. I owe this to the Creative Director, the incredible team and the unreal contributors that generously lended themselves to bringing a mere word, an image, a theme to life. I treasure these past months as I have had the honor to learn from every single one of you, and I am all the better for it.

The theme of Haute’s first true issue, in its fullest form yet — both in size and in content — is “Out of Context”: an exploration of concepts and identities that may, from one perspective, make very little sense, and from another, make as much sense as this crazy and beautiful world allows for.

If effective, the visual and mental progression of this issue should introduce concepts that are not typically accepted in the societal context in which they are placed — concepts that may ask you to depart from your preconceived and predetermined context, perhaps going way back to when you were first acquainted with it.

Context is an extremely valuable tool. The historical context of current events and global issues makes it very clear that the cycles of society do, in fact, repeat themselves. That being said, context is a relative term, a perception, almost an illusion, that our society and world lens present. This can often allow entities to weaponize context to craft certain narratives, and obscure others.

It takes a great deal of bravery to face these concepts and ideas with no presumptions, especially if they do not make sense at first. I implore all of us to make the effort. Courage is the only alternative to fear, and fear is the root of hateful emotions. We must not let fear win; we must reside in our humane values, our undying truths, and our best nature.

So, I encourage you, dear reader, to observe situations outside your worldly scope, and to explore as many “contexts” as you can make available to yourself. More and more, the new world and the old world are becoming more accessible, more transparent, and more intertwined. It is possible to be anyone, at any time from one day to the next. You are not tethered to anything that could possibly hold you back.

Change is a positive thing, and true freedom means finding belonging in every person you choose to be.

Choose to be someone who values courage over fear, people over ideology, and love over hate; this way, we cannot lose in the game that is life.

Thus, this statement brings me to the conclusion of my letter. Without further ado, I tremendously hope you enjoy our Fall 2019 September Issue: “Out of Context”.

Thank you for your immense support.

Best,

3

note from the

CREATIVE DIRECTOR

I will always vividly remember February 14th, 2018. Not because of Valentine’s Day or seeing Dua Lipa live in concert that afternoon, but it was the first time that Diana and I discussed the desire of wanting to start a student-run publication together. At the time, I didn’t know if this was a brilliant plan or something that our freshman-year selves were naively aiming too high for. Nonetheless, driven by a shared love for art, fashion, creating and sharing, we took a leap of faith and committed to the idea.

Overall, the journey to get to where we are today has in no way been an easy one. Unfortunately, no one has yet written a “Starting A Fashion Magazine For Dummies” book. So, the two of us have been taking this experience day-by-day, which has indeed been comprised of highs and lows. However, when I look back upon the time we spent debating publication names, trying to decide on style guide fonts, or drawing makeshift logos in our Notes app, I honestly wouldn’t trade it for the world.

January of 2019 was when Diana and I planned to debut Haute Magazine at the Spring Involvement Fair.

Now, if you would allow me to be candid for just a minute, this honestly scared the shit out of me. In my mind, we were just two sophomores at a table in the middle of campus with a 40 page mock-up issue, a sign-up sheet, and a grand idea. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. However, I can assure you that what came of that afternoon was something that I could have never anticipated.

The response to Haute Magazine was mind blowing. At our first meeting, I could not comprehend that every person in that room was there in support of something we were directly responsible for. Working on this Fall 2019 issue all throughout last semester has been one of the most incredible opportunities I’ve had the chance to be a part of. Getting to collaborate alongside of our brilliant team of writers, photographers, visual designers, and marketers each week was a gift in itself that I will hold near to my heart for years to come. In addition to our staff, there are a few other individuals that I want to specifically extend my appreciativeness towards.

I want to thank Diana: my Editor-In-Chief, my partner in crime, my muse. To our four remarkable Directors: Awo, Natalie, Sydney, and Tia; thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with Diana and I throughout this past semester and cementing yourselves as foundational figures in this publication’s history. Lastly, I want to extend my gratitude to every person who graciously allowed us to feature your work in our pages. I know that this magazine isn’t the skinniest… but I honestly couldn’t imagine our inaugural issue not including each of you.

So, now that I have gotten my awards ceremony speech out of the way, it is with great pleasure that I formally introduce you our Fall 2019 issue. This is all of us here at Haute’s whole heart wrapped up in nearly 400 pages. Thank you for supporting our publication and I hope that you enjoy “Out of Context”.

4

CREDITS Editor in Chief Diana Fonte Creative Director Jason Cerin Director of Writing Awo Jama Director of Photography Natalie Viglucci Director of Visual Design Sydney Loew Director of Marketing Tia Richards

Photography Staff Casey Goldstein Chen Wang Christy Belle Kradjian Erin McAndrews Hyesu Chung Jacqueline Hollander Kiera Smith Lindsey Lent Manqi Zhuang Saul Singleton Sinead Chang

Writing Staff Ashara Wilson Ela Passarelli Ella Katz Emily Um Jaron Fabular Kaitlyn Prado-Barker Nicole Falk Nisha Venkat Santiago Gavidia Yuri Yim

Visual Design Staff Alyssa Kyle Amanda Jihye Han Elba Euceda Elisa Kim Gloria Guo Hannah Hachamovitch Jesse Walk Karissa Becer Maya Gotthard Naiya Ross Rohit Padmakumar

Marketing Staff Aileen Hernandez Anjalee Patel Grant Go Kiana Wang Natalie Derovanessian Shanzeh Faheem

5

“Art is how we decorate space; music is how we decorate time.”

Jean-Michel Basquiat

LISTEN NO HALO BROCKHAMPTON Divine Ayoni Shawty Remi Wolf

I Don’t Think I Can Do This Again Mura Masa & Clairo Jesus Forgive Me, I Am a Thot JPEGMAFIA Anything Can Happen (feat. Meek Mill) SAINt JHN Time Flies Rico Nasty Mood SiR (feat. Zacari) You Snoh Aalegra Something Keeps Pulling Me Back H.E.R Eat, Sleep, Wake (Nothing But You) Bombay Bicycle Club I Would Do Anything for You Foster the People Pneuma TOOL Heaven Or Las Vegas Cocteau Twins Mariners Apartment Complex Lana Del Rey

Scan to Listen

6

table of 9 15 27 45 53 63 75 85 99 125 129 133 141 159 175 185 187 199 203 211 213 221 233 239 249 261 267 275 287 291 295 317 327 345 361

CONTENTS Brown Aarohi Sheth + Rony Hernandes I Love these Roads Where the Houses Don’t Change Matteo Gueli I Love You, But I Desire Another Renz Gonzaga Relationships, Out of Context Nicole Falk + Matteo Gueli Student Spotlight: Hailey Long Cindy Romero How To Decolonize Your Wardrobe Awo Jama + Yannis Davy Guibinga 39 Chaises Jean-Baptiste Courtier Hollow Sean Mundy Middle of Nowhere + This World Alone Paolo Barretta You All Taught Me Daniris Ryan + Rony Hernandes Dog Years Elan Shohet-Zabin How Cishet White Men Have Overtaken Queer Cinema at the Expense of Queer and Trans People of Color Gulet Isse + Matteo Gueli Learning to Be Ugly in South Korea Julladonna Park + Grace Chen A Conversation with Jordan Jayro Diana Fonte + Matthew Parisien Hyakkiyakou, Night of Hundred Demons Point Studio Medicine Gulet Isse + Matteo Gueli Student Spotlight: Adam Vesperman Mike Esperanza Jonah Wallach Jonah Wallach Inside Upcycled Denim: Sustainability with a Story Awo Jama + Halle Baerenstecher Untitled Nisha Venkat + Carolyn Knapp Cameras and Dancers Josh Rose The Scale Erin McAndrews + Trevor Daw In the Hotel Room Ela Passarelli The Art of Staying Sober Benjamin Davis + Nikita Klimov Saul Singleton Saul Singleton Hard Candy Ela Passarelli + Matthew Parisien Fragmentos do Corpo Rony Hernandes Yellow Lansing Zach Hagy I’m Here, You’re Here, Let’s be Friends Ashara Wilson + Matteo Gueli Screenplay Emily Um + Erin Newsom Gbenga Komolafe Alexander Barnes + Yong Loh Jordan Lipes Kris Micallef The Grief Yannis Davy Guibinga Janet Jackson Eddie Mandell Beach Boys Sara Lusitano

BROWN

9

Writing by Aarohi Sheth Photography by Rony Hernandes

10

11

AAROHI SHETH + RONY HERNANDES

Brown is all too often taken out of context.

When Brown is banned and misunderstood and mistaken for violence.

When robots are mistaken for bombs, when Brown boys are the sole recipients of random security checks, when hijabs and turbans and bindis and niqabs and burkas are auto-translated into extremism Brown is all too often taken out of context.

12

Aarohi Sheth is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursing a degree in Journalism.

13

Rony Hernandes is a SĂŁo Paulo based photographer.

Rony’s work focuses on naked, conceptual, music and fashion photography.

BROWN

14

Matteo Gueli is a Montreal based digital and film photographer. His work explores themes of growing up, living in the suburbs, intimacy and interpersonal relationships.

MATTEO GUELI

For the past five years, I’ve listened to this album, at least in part, almost every day. To say the least, it is the soundtrack to my adolescence: each chorus, bridge, lyric and beat reminding me and pulling me back to a specific moment I had growing up. I’ve cried to Ribs, had the best drive of my life to A World Alone, danced to Team, and have had seemingly

endless nighttime bus rides to Buzzcut Season. I’ve wanted to tackle this album for what seems like forever, trying to find ways to do it justice, but I didn’t think it would be best to do so while still living the feelings and events described in this masterpiece.

i love these roads where the houses don’t change.

“I have a strange relationship with the suburbs. Growing up on the outskirts of the big city has both its benefits and drawbacks: the calm and safety of my quaint neighbourhood is nice, but pales in comparison to the rush and hustle of the city centre. Though my upbringing was definitely less exciting than that of the youth lucky enough to grow up next to a metro station, my moments of boredom were always occasions for me to soak in whatever music I happened to enjoy at the moment.

I was a teen of many genres and phases, ranging from Half Moon Run to Taylor Swift to Björk, but one album has been consistently narrating my life since the very day it came out when I was 14 years old: Pure Heroine by Lorde.

As I approach my twenties, and my old distaste for suburbia turns into a bittersweet nostalgia, I find myself listening to this album more than I ever have before. It reminds me of scattered moments over the course of the past five years; friendships come and gone, adventure, disappointment, and ecstasy, and compresses them into a supercut highlighting the most memorable moments of my teenage years. Everyone I used in this project means something to me.

Every location, every concept, and every feeling is a tiny piece of what suburbia looks like through my eyes.

There’s something about the feeling of walking around Lachine alone after the worst day of the summer, or watching the sun slip under the horizon from the Beaconsfield overpass on a cold evening, or seeing the field you used to sneak into turn into another block of featureless condos that no one will ever really understand the same way that I do. That’s the beauty of the suburbs; through miles of decaying neighbourhoods, cracked pavements and vaguely similar houses are countless young people who have made these towns their own. No two stories are the same, but the feeling of missing something that we didn’t appreciate in the first place is somewhat universal. Despite differences, in many aspects, Lorde’s feelings towards her adolescence just outside of the city limits are a spitting image of mine.

Each photo in this series is directly inspired by one of the songs on this album: Ten songs, ten diptychs, and ten different ways to describe what happens on these roads where the houses don’t change.”

16

tennis court Baby be the class clown I’ll be the beauty queen in tears It’s a new art form showing people how little we care We’re so happy, even when we’re smiling out of fear Let’s go down to the tennis court, and talk it up like yeah

17

MATTEO GUELI

400 lux I love these roads where the houses don’t change (and I like you) Where we can talk like there’s something to say (and I like you) I’m glad that we stopped kissing the tar on the highway (and I like you) We move in the tree streets I’d like it if you stayed

00 18

royals My friends and I we’ve cracked the code We count our dollars on the train to the party And everyone who knows us knows that we’re fine with this We didn’t 00 MATTEO come from GUELI money

I LOVE THESE ROADS

ribs The drink you spilt all over me ‘Lover’s Spit’ left on repeat My mom and dad let me stay home It drives you crazy, getting old

20

buzzcut season And I’ll never go home again (place the call, feel it start) Favourite friend (and nothing’s wrong when nothing’s true) I live in a hologram with you

21

MATTEO GUELI

team We live in cities you’ll never see onscreen Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things Living in ruins of a palace within my dreams And you know we’re on each other’s team

22

glory and gore No-one ‘round here’s good at keeping their eyes closed The sun’s starting to light up when we’re walking home Tired little laughs, gold lie promises, We’ll always win at this, I don’t ever think about death It’s alright if you do, it’s fine

23

I LOVE THESE ROADS

still sane Today is my birthday, and I’m riding high Hair is dripping, hiding that I’m terrified But this is summer, playing dumber than in fall Everything I say falls right back into everything

24

white teeth teens The way they are, the way they seem is something else, it’s in the blood Their molars blinking like the lights, in the underpass where we all sit And do nothing and love it

25

MATTEO GUELI

a world alone All the double-edged people and schemes They make a mess then go home and get clean You’re my best friend, and we’re dancing in a world alone, A world alone We’re alone

26

RENZ GONZAGA

27

i love you, but i desire another

28

While we always hope for the best, we often can’t avoid the inevitable.

29

RENZ GONZAGA

30

31

I LOVE YOU, BUT I DESIRE ANOTHER

32

Love on autopilot.

33

RENZ GONZAGA

Distance as the destination.

34

35

I LOVE YOU, BUT I DESIRE ANOTHER

A single lie discovered is enough to create contagious doubt over every other truth expressed.

36

Bed peace.

37

RENZ GONZAGA

38

39

I LOVE YOU, BUT I DESIRE ANOTHER

40

41

RENZ GONZAGA

*End Scene*

42

Models Raleigh Mendez Alexandra Thompson

I LOVE YOU, BUT I DESIRE ANOTHER

Renz Gonzaga is a Los Angeles based photographer who specializes in portraits, weddings, fashion, lifestyle, and conceptual photography.

44

relationships

OUT OF CONTEXT

Writing by Nicole Falk Photography by Matteo Gueli 46

I was once told that we experience all the same things in a friendship as we do in a romantic relationship. The exception traditionally being sex––though such parameters are beoming increasingly blurred as modern society continues to redefine what it means to be with someone. This insight came from an acting coach during a class. I was sat in a creaky chair, watching two young men play out a scene which I had seen time and time again. Two friends sit in an apartment, one eating yogurt, the other recently having snorted cocaine. They quarrel, the scene ends. Both actors undoubtedly talented, though the main difference I can spot from last week’s performance is the consumption of yogurt in lieu of a banana. A chair scrapes and our teacher moves onto the floor to sit beside them. As the feedback commences, I begin doodling in my notebook, listening to his guidance as swirls zoom across the page, until––

“Love me.”

I look up. My pen lifts. I tilt my head, curious. This is new.

“Love me,” my coach says pointing to one actor. “I love him,” my coach says pointing to the other.

The two men are being instructed to add these phrases to the ends of their lines.

One vying for his friend’s love, the other reserving his affections for someone else––not a lover, but another platonic friend who has recently passed. They redo a portion of the scene. This time, Yogurt Guy grows increasingly envious and heartbroken, as his

47

NICOLE FALK + MATTEO GUELI

dearest friend demonstrates a clear preference, an obsessive devotion, to the deceased––he chooses the person who is nothing but ashes, and leaves his living, breathing companion in the dust, grubby with unrequited affection. Kind of gut-wrenching, right?

Jealousy. Dejection. Care. Trust. Intimacy. Everything you’d expect to find in a romance brought this platonic scene to life, giving it an authenticity and depth of meaning it had not yet seen. Even now, I remember the chills creeping along my skin when the actors came back the next week and performed it in full, once more. This leads me to believe my teacher’s original sentiment, that what we experience in a romantic connection is also experienced in a friendship, is not only an effective direction given to actors, but perhaps a general truth about life. So here I am, stepping beyond the acting classroom to explore this principle at a more holistic level. And if you bear with me, I think you’ll find that we might all benefit from embracing it.

Consider how easy it is to text our best friends. We pick up the phone, say what we want to say, add whatever emojis or gifs feel appropriate, and move on with our lives. But when we try to text someone we’re attracted to, it turns into a saga. Like Russell Crowe scribbling away at his window in A Beautiful Mind, we come up with a complex equation to deduce the perfect timing for sending a message. Next we hem and haw over each word, and picking what emoji to use, if any, feels as serious as choosing an epitaph for our tombstone. Our friends become our editors, and we shoot them draft after draft, until we finally decide to just send it.

How much easier would our lives be if we viewed romantic partners in the same context as our friends? If we could train ourselves to do this, communication with the

48

people we like would become more straightforward, saving us from drama and wasted time. Goodbye to text conversations that are as drawn out as the Odyssey. Goodbye to playing games with each other, and complaining to your friends that “I just don’t know what he/she wants.” Boyfriends, girlfriends, flings, spouses––these types of relationships will dominate huge portions of our lives, so why not make things simpler for ourselves? If we’re going to get there, we first need to recognize why friendships and romantic relationships are more alike than we think.

The Greeks referred to romantic love with the word eros, and to friendly love with philia. One of the leading arguments for why we should approach the two differently is that eros includes a physical involvement which philia does not. However, not many of us have clearly defined personal boundaries with our close friends. Think about how often we hug each other, whether a close embrace, or a bro hug with profuse slaps to the back. We might playfully bully one another, reminiscent of elementary school crushes––poking, prodding, pulling hair, wrestling. We sit next to our friends when we can, and have no qualms about dog piling onto the same couch, or sleeping in the same bed. It is not only space we share, but food and drink. And as my sage thirteen-year-old brother would say, sharing a straw is basically kissing.

The craving for intimacy and affection is as prevalent in philia as it is in eros. It simply tends to manifest itself in forms other than sex, and may I remind you, that sex and intimacy are not always the same thing. If you’d like to counter that you do not interact with friends this way, I encourage you to consider how much your aversion to human contact changes within your romantic relationships. Not wanting to be touched by friends may be less about the distinction between eros and philia, and more about your desire for personal space in general.

Say I’ve won you over, and you realize that you and your buddy hug each other more than Chandler and Joey from Friends––hurrah! If not, just play along so we can keep the ball rolling. Another distinction people make between eros and philia is that there is a heightened level of jealousy in romantic relationships. We are more likely to feel possessive and insecure over people we are attracted to than our friends. But think of your best friend. What’s your thing? What’s that one activity or movie or song or food that is so ingrained in your relationship that you automatically identify it with each other? Maybe it’s watching Pirates of the Caribbean while eating Chinese takeout.

Maybe it’s wearing pink on Wednesdays. Now imagine your friend doing that thing with someone else, especially someone you don’t want them associating with. Are you not the slightest bit jealous?

Remember that one episode in Friends where Monica has lunch and goes shopping with a woman who isn’t Rachel, and it’s the most devastating betrayal in television

49

RELATIONSHIPS, OUT OF CONTEXT

50

Nicole Falk is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Narrative Studies.

Matteo Gueli is a Montreal based digital and film photographer. His work explores themes of growing up, living in the suburbs, intimacy and interpersonal relationships.

history? Dialogue such as, “One thing led to another,” “We only did it once,” “It didn’t mean anything to me,” and “I was thinking of you the whole time” produces a resounding laughter from the live audience. Why? Because it’s relatable; we laugh when we recognize ourselves in a situation. We are more possessive of our friends than we realize, and to some extent, it hurts when they do “our thing” with someone who isn’t us.

So in both eros and philia we are capable of intimacy and jealousy. As for care, companionship, trust, and communication, it isn’t hard to see why these are equally important in friendships and in romance. Where do we go from here? The truth is, even if we see how these relationships align, there is a certain fear unique to eros: the fear of unrequited love. Fear of unrequited friendship is futile as friendships are built on a mutual interest in each other. Romantic feelings and attraction, however, are out of our control. That is why we behave so oddly. That is why too many of us spend hours picking out clothes, panicking over what to say, and convincing ourselves that we have to play games with each other. We are trying to protect ourselves from rejection. But the best protection would really be to speak to that one cute person from that one party like they’re your friend––with as much ease, comfort, and honesty as you can. Humans are humans, and straightforward communication is the most efficient way to weed out the incompatible ones.

I challenge you to step away from the romantic context. It is easier said than done, but remember that anyone in your life should first and foremost be a friend.

And if this isn’t the case for your crush, partner, fling, etc., give ‘em the boot. Save yourself the time, and look for people who fuel you; people who, rather than make things so complicated, make life a little easier, and a little better.

51

NICOLE FALK + MATTEO GUELI

52

CINDY 53

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

ROMERO Featuring Hailey Long

54

55

CINDY ROMERO + HAILEY LONG

Cindy Romero is a Los Angeles-based photographer whose work dives into the glitzy and glamorous world of fashion, design, and beauty. Her work primarily focuses on female portraiture with a gift to bring out the beauty in everyone she shoots.

Hailey Long is a junior at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Health and Human Sciences.

Represented by Nous Models LA, Hailey brings high fashion and an unforgettable presence to any shoot she is a part of.

57

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

58

59

CINDY ROMERO + HAILEY LONG

60

Makeup Aissa Umaru Styling Bin Nguyen

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

62

63

HOW-TO:

decolonize your wardrobe Writing by Awo Jama Photography by Yannis Davy Guibinga As the world becomes increasingly globalized, various cultures and traditions have been forced to self-westernize in order to be accepted in Western society. One result of this assimilation has been the negligence of traditional garments in place of Western ones; sarees, hanboks, abayas, churidars, and the like have been usurped by Levi’s, Adidas Superstars, Forever 21 couture, and Nike apparel in every form. But in the aftermath of numerous cultural appropriation incidents by everyone from high-end designers to A-list celebrities, as well as anti-immigrant sentiments from a multitude of Western nations, the desire of diverse cultures and their members to reclaim their heritage through whatever means available, chiefly fashion, has skyrocketed. If you are like these individuals and are determined to reclaim your roots by getting rid of Western influence in your wardrobe, look no further: below are several steps on how to begin mixing traditional clothing into your everyday wear.

Awo Jama is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Journalism and Digital Studies.

She is the Director of Writing for Haute Magazine.

Yannis Davy Guibinga is a 23-year-old photographer and visual artist.

Originally from Libreville, Gabon and based in MontrĂŠal, Canada, his work explores the diversity of cultures and identities on the African continent and its diaspora.

64

65

AWO JAMA + YANNIS DAVY GUIBINGA

Research the traditional garbs of your culture.

Being a part of a certain culture does not protect against ignorance of the significance of its traditional garments. If you aspire to feature more cultural garbs in your daily looks, it is imperative that you understand the role that these garments play in the everyday lives of those who wear them.Take to the internet to explore the history of your culture’s garments, the appropriate occasions in which they are meant to be worn, and the intended age group of those who wear them. For example, the diraac, a shapeless, onepiece dress made of thin material, is the preferred covering of Somali women across the diaspora; however, it is not apt for younger girls who have yet to reach puberty to be dressed in duruuc (plural), so they sport the toob, a more form-fitting and thicker version of the diraac. If the internet cannot provide you with reliable information on the garbs you wish to wear, turn to your family members or relatives for advice on which garments would make the most sense for you to wear and be the easiest to incorporate in your closet.

66

67

Turn to social media for inspiration.

HOW TO DECOLONIZE YOUR WARDROBE

Keeping up with social media accounts who practice the art of wardrobe decolonization may be one of the most seamless ways to gradually introduce traditional clothing into your everyday wear. A good place to start would be London model Simran Randhawa’s instagram account, @simisear_. Randhawa, who is of Malaysian-Indian and Indian origin, has garnered a considerable following on both Instagram and Twitter (Simisear_) for unapologetically integrating staple Indian garments with streetwear pieces. Her Instagram posts feature candid portraits of her effortlessly wearing a tank top with salwar pants (pleated trouser that tapers at ankles), a mini skirt with a collarless kurta top, and a red sari with jeans. Randhawa’s originality has inspired countless South Asian women to rediscover the beauty of their cultures that have become a commodity for the fashion industry, and to tag their posts with the phrase ‘decolonise your wardrobe,’ a statement that encompasses Randhawa’s activism. Dejah Naya McCombe (@dejahnaya), another Londoner of Indian heritage, also advocates merging traditional clothing into your wardrobe, and not only proudly adorns herself with intricate bindis and statement Indian jewelry, but photographs South Asian women and other women of color in their traditional garments. Other Instagrammers worthy of mention are Amina Hassan (blackish.gold), who can be seen rocking vibrant Somali duruuc with ornate sheer shawls known as garbasaar; and Ephrata Abate (ephrizzy), whose posts featuring her in stunning, earth-toned Ethiopian clothing against warm backdrops quite literally make her look like the ‘sun’s daughter’, a phrase that she displays in many of her posts’ captions.

68

69

AWO JAMA + YANNIS DAVY GUIBINGA

Explore the works of culturally diverse fashion designers.

In recent years, a multitude of designers who make a point of showcasing their heritage in their designs have emerged on the global fashion scene. One notable designer who is in tune with the significance of cultural garments is Asiya Bareeva, a fashion designer from Russia who focuses on representing the various ethnic and religious groups of her country through her designs. The result is garments that feature delicate, neutrally colored fabric adorned with intricate patterns and embroidery along with sleek head scarves. Another designer worth taking note of is Indian designer Rimzim Dadu, who reinvents traditional Indian sarees by fashioning them out of monochrome chiffon that has been cut into strips and made into cords, or by using fabric with a striking metallic finish and considerable thickness that creates unique silhouettes. Jotaro Saito, a Japanese designer, reinvents an age-old traditional Japanese garment known as the kimono by staying true to the methods involved with making it while using fabrics with starkly differing patterns that come together to uniquely complement one another.

70

71

Be resilient against bigotry and xenophobia

aimed toward your traditional clothing.

HOW TO DECOLONIZE YOUR WARDROBE

Perhaps the most vital and most difficult strategy in fusing traditional garments into your wardrobe is maintaining strength in the face of ignorance. Western society operates by rejecting non-Western cultures and alienating those who wish to stay true to their roots, so it is imperative that you be steadfast in your desire to reclaim your culture’s clothing. If the thought of walking out of the house in a full sari or diraac seems daunting to you, begin with baby steps: allow for traditional clothing and Western clothing to coexist in your everyday wear by featuring pieces from both sides. For example, experiment with pairing a statement piece of culturally significant jewelry with casual clothing, such as high waisted jeans and a sportswear top. Following this method will eventually put you in a position where you can wear traditional clothing in any setting with confidence and resilience.

72

73

SEAN MUNDY

74

75

39 CHAISES

jean baptiste courtier

76

77

JEAN-BAPTISTE COURTIER

79

00

39 CHAISES

80

81

JEAN-BAPTISTE COURTIER

82

Model Alya Spir Stylist Sylvie Clemente Hair Tomoko Ohama Makeup Tatsu Yamanaka

83

39 CHAISES

Jean-Baptiste Courtier is a France based photographer who specializes in high fashion and editorial photography.

84

SEAN

85

HOLLOW

MUNDY

Cover Artist Feature

86

87

COVER ARTIST

enter the world of sean mundy Foreword by Jason Cerin, Creative Director of Haute Magazine

They’re images that will stop you dead in your tracks. Simple and delicate, yet completely unrelenting in nature. The work of conceptual photographer Sean Mundy transports viewers into a realm composed of minimal settings, contrasting color palettes and troubling still lives. These environments are laced with tension and uncertainty, serving as glimpses into moments of pain, confusion and selfdoubt. From the way his images are brought to life to the range of emotions that are experienced while viewing them, bearing witness to Sean Mundy’s work is a vivid and surreal experience.

Sean Mundy’s images are principally constructed through photography and digital manipulation. Most of his photos start out as a specific theme, color palette or vantage point that he wants to create the scene from. He then translates his thoughts to paper through sketching, which he says allows him to have a sense of direction and point of reference while shooting. Finally, he captures the conditioned scenario through photography and then fine-tunes them digitally.

Sean’s body of work is distinct and recognizable, as he tends to employ a specific canon of subjects, visuals and concepts. In his work, humans are often used as an anonymous stand in for emotion, psychology and physicality. By doing so, much of Sean’s imagery calls viewers to think of the position of human beings between social norms, beliefs and personal identities.Throughout the issue, you will find pieces of his work that rely on specific forms and colors to express complex concepts.

Take “Hollow” for example; the five-part photo series that begins on the next page. By using a group and one sole subject, he seeks to highlight the individual versus the collective and emphasize glaring disparities between the self in relation to the environment. Ultimately, Sean hopes that his work disrupts the classical narrative formula to form scenarios that draw meaning from his subjectivity.

Many of the scenes crafted by Sean are snapshots that are taken out of context from larger narratives. Therefore, he consistently invites audiences to be contemplative and derive new meanings from his meticulously constructed scenes. He ultimately wants viewers, such as yourself, to attribute their own context to his work. So, on that note…

We invite you to experience the dark, esoteric and mystical world of Sean Mundy.

88

Idolatry 2014

89

SEAN MUNDY

90

91

HOLLOW

Nescience 2015

92

Elude 2014

93

SEAN MUNDY

95

HOLLOW

Gears 2016

96

Moths 2015

97

SEAN MUNDY

98

PAOLO BARRETTA

the middle of nowhere collection.

100

101

PAOLO BARRETTA

102

103

THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

104

105

PAOLO BARRETTA

THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

Model Paolo Barretta

108

PAOLO BARRETTA

this world alone collection.

110

111

PAOLO BARRETTA

113

THIS WORLD ALONE

114

115

PAOLO BARRETTA

117

THIS WORLD ALONE

119

PAOLO BARRETTA

Models J Vitor Carvalho Corinne Piccolo Andrea Catena Cloe Simoncioni Giuseppe Triolo Nicolo Montanari Paolo Barretta

THIS WORLD ALONE

122

123

PAOLO BARRETTA

Paolo Barretta is an Italy based cinematic and portrait photographer. His photography deals with nostalgia, uniting his own empathy with the loneliness of the human being. His aesthetic research is mostly about color correction, creating delicate, elegant and intimate scenarios. Most notably, Paolo has shot for Italian Vogue and was one of the ten contestants of Sky Arts Master of Photography 2018.

124

YOU ALL

TAUGHT ME

Writing by Daniris Ryan Photography by Rony Hernandes

125

Daniris Ryan is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Architecture.

Rony Hernandes is a São Paulo based photographer. Rony’s work focuses on naked, conceptual, music and fashion photography.

127

DANIRIS RYAN + RONY HERNANDES

You all taught me When I look at myself I see You All I am You All I thank You For watching over me and caring for Me To All the women I love You are Black Latina Brown Paint my skin with these colors Embrace me And keep me here.

128

Elan Shohet-Zabin is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Design.

DOG YEARS

ELAN

SHOHET-ZABIN

130

131

ELAN SHOHET-ZABIN

133

How Cishet White Men Have Overtaken Queer Cinema at the Expense of Queer and Trans People of Color Writing by Gulet Isse Photography by Matteo Gueli

Straight, cisgender, White men are hailed as stars within queer cinema. Whether it is Jim Carrey playing gay in “I Love You, Phillip Morris,” or Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger giving a heart-wrenching performances in “Brokeback Mountain,” they are given these roles because they embody the homonormative expectations imposed upon gay men, whereas actual gay actors are turned away due to an industry stigma attached to them, being that they can only play flamboyantly gay roles and lack the creative range to deliver a nuanced, representative performance. The most recent example of cishet (cisgender and heterosexual) White men being glorified for playing gay roles that comes to mind is “Call Me by Your Name”, adapted from the Andre Aciman novel of the same name. Elio – a 17-year-old boy portrayed by Timothee Chalamet – develops

134

a relationship with Oliver – Armie Hammer’s character – over the course of the film, which is all done in secret away from the eyes of Elio’s parents (whom Oliver is interning for) and girlfriend. The entirety of the movie is shot in the glistening, sun-drenched countryside, underlined with a soundtrack of harmonic strings as composed by American singer-songwriter Sufjan Stevens. While the film perfectly encapsulates the warm serenity of a countryside summer fling, the production of this film promotes escapist images of queerness that endanger queer youth – as well as queer and trans people of color (QTPOC) nationally and internationally – and relies on queer erasure through sexual ambiguity to appeal to mainstream audiences.

The first thing that ought to be problematized about this movie is the nature of Elio and Oliver’s relationship, which is between a 17-year-old boy and a man well in his 20s. While this is no legal issue in Northern Italy (where the film is set), their sexual relations would be categorized as statutory rape in the U.S. Destigmatizing intergenerational relationships – which are typically built on the initial acceptance of perceived differences between partners – and eradicating ageism is one of the gay community’s greatest successes, but also one of its greatest pitfalls. Romanticizing this relationship has broader implications in the context of America, where taboo intergenerational relationships are extensively fetishized within the gay community. A quick search of “barely legal gay” on popular porn websites spawns thousands of results, which is indicative of the fine line gay men prefer to walk in their intergenerational relationships. And while “barely legal” is still, at the end of the day, legal, most gay dating apps allow younger gay men to falsify their age so that anyone can be considered “legal”. Combining this with the widely advertised image of intergenerational relationships amongst the gay community, young gay men search these same porn sites for “gay daddy porn”, which pulls up nearly 100,000 different videos to choose from on Pornhub. And just like that, gay boys in their early teens are conditioned to desire older men, which is further romanticized and validated by films such as “Call Me by Your Name”.

“Call Me by Your Name” paints a false portrait of budding queer love, which is silently recognized by Elio’s [White, cishet] parents early in the film and his mourning of Oliver’s departure is supported by them by the end of the film. There is a certain level of escapism that

135

GULET ISSE + MATTEO GUELI

comes from this film – allowed by the privileged intersection Elio and Oliver exist at – and effectively detracts from the fatality faced by queer folx within and without of the U.S. once they make themselves known to society. Both characters are cishet-presenting, White men and Elio is Jewish. Ontologically speaking, it is easier for them to exist as gay men, considering the intersection of their identities. While the life expectancy of for White men in the U.S. is approximately 77 years, the life expectancy of trans womxn is between thirty and thirty-five years, less than half of the former statistic. There are gay pride parades in Tel Aviv annually, and LGBT+ rights for Jews in Israel are guaranteed. While same-sex marriage may not have been made legal in Italy and America until very recently, same-sex couples were still allowed to publicly exist in society without fear of capital prosecution.

The same cannot be said for Black and Brown queer and trans folx who live in America, and punishment is even harsher in other countries.

Just recently, Brunei implemented Sharia law to justify the passage of legislation that punishes sodomy by stoning to death.

This follows in the footsteps of other Muslim countries that have made homosexuality punishable by death, such as Saudi Arabia, and proves that the privilege afforded to Jewish gay men such as Elio are lost on Muslim men in the real world. For instance, Mahershala

136

Ali won big at the Oscars for his turn as Juan in the 2016 Academy Award-winning film, “Moonlight”. Ali portrayed a gay character in the film, and proudly lives his life as a straight, Muslim man. For Ali to take one of his birth rights as a Muslim, a pilgrimage from Mecca to Medina called hajj, he would have to enter Saudi territory. Anyone who has knowledge of his work as an actor could immediately report him to local authorities, endangering the actor for perverting Islam with his perceived “homosexual propaganda.” Ali exemplifies the risk those who exist at marginalized intersections face in tackling queer narratives and embodies the bravery that is falsely attributed to cishet, White actors, e.g., Chalamet, Hammer, Carrey, Gyllenhaal.

In 2017, The Human Rights Campaign documented 29 deaths of transgender people in the U.S. as a result of fatal violence. The majority of these people were womxn of color, and few of them made it past their early thirties, fitting the aforementioned statistic of life expectancy. This is the harsh reality of queer visibility within the U.S., which is immediately glossed over when films such as “Call Me by Your Name” are pushed to the forefront of American queer cinema.

Considering the historical exclusion of trans people in nearly all conversation surrounding queer visibility – specifically with the Gay Rights Movement and the initially efforts to push pushing ENDA (the Employee Non-Discrimination Act) to exclusively ensure gay rights – it is not shocking that the plight of queer and trans folx of color is being silenced by public reception to this film. They adhere to the same homonormative standards that framed the Gay Rights Movement, in which [White] gay men fought against discrimination by adopting a hypermasculine image and conforming where the founding [trans] mothers – such as Martha P. Johnson – did not. Not only are Oliver and Elio both physically fit, which is associated with masculinity in mainstream culture, but they maintain cishet relationships throughout the film, which only reinforces their masculine image and makes them seem “less gay”.

The sexual ambiguity embodied by both Chalamet and Hammer’s characters are a huge factor in the commercial success of this film. Were the story any more raw, mainstream audiences might not have latched onto it with such zeal. The fact of the matter is, the closest the audience gets to seeing gay sex is when Elio metaphorically fucks a peach, which is literally manifested when Ol-

137

HOW CISHET WHITE MEN

iver penetrates him towards the climax. During the one gay sex scene of the movie, the camera pans to the window as the protagonists slip off their pants, leaving the audience with nothing but muted moans and their naughty imagination. Thus, the film creates a paradox in which it is “just another love story,” yet stands tall as one of the most well-constructed examples of queer cinema in recent memory.

What the audience fails to consider is just how fleeting this relationship is.

While Elio falls deeply in love with Oliver, going as far as leaving his girlfriend by the end of the film, Oliver is preparing to wed his [female] fiancée across the pond. Considering the short timeframe between having sex with Elio and engaging his future wife, it can be assumed that Oliver was getting out every last drop of sexual deviance before tying himself up in heterosexual perpetuity. At the end of the day, none of his homosexual relations matter because he presents to the rest of the world as straight.

This is not a film of sexual ambiguity. Sure, it points to the sexual fluidity that underlines all human interactions apart from normalized perceptions of sexuality, but ultimately, “Call Me by Your Name” belittles queerness to nothing more than occasional flings with the same sex.

This is reminiscent of modern-day fraternal bonds, in which frat brothers sodomize one another in the comfort of their houses then indulge in sorority sisters and project a hypermasculine image to wash themselves clean of these drunken, gay nights. It’s like the ultimate “no homo.”

In a global context, queerness is not the warm Italian façade fabricated by “Call Me by Your Name”, which romanticizes aspects of queerness that endanger queer, American youth on a daily basis. This is a coming-of-agetale that spits on the struggle endured by QTPOC around the world, and shrouds queerness in those same [White] homonormative standards that exclude Black, Brown, trans and non-binary bodies from the conversation in an attempt to reach mainstream audiences. It is impossible to deny the link between homonormativity and heteronormativity in this context, as this film is driven by two straight actors who are taken more seriously because of their sexual orientation. Such a casting choice tells gay actors they must aspire to an image of straightness if they ever want to tell their story, which is determined by adherence to traditional gender roles. And so it goes: a heteronormative, White supremacist society paints masculine-presenting, White, cishet men as the face of the gay community, retaining deeply racist, transphobic and homophobic attitudes. What a truly groundbreaking piece of queer cinema.

138

Gulet Isse is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Narrative Studies and Theatre.

Matteo Gueli is a Montreal based digital and film photographer. His work explores themes of growing up, living in the suburbs, intimacy and interpersonal relationships.

139

GULET ISSE + MATTEO GUELI

learning to be

UGLY in south korea

141

Written by Julladonna Park Photography by Grace Chen

142

143

JULLADONNA PARK + GRACE CHEN

“Teacher, you’re ugly.”

The phrase slipped out of my nine-year-old student’s mouth as easy as an exhale. I had spent enough time in Seoul at that point to learn that some words were said there with less caution than they were back home in Canada. Things like: “Why do you look like that?” “I just want to die.” “Wow, you’ve become fat.” “You’re not pretty, but…”

Keeping this cultural bluntness in mind, I tried to laugh off the childish insult, but he didn’t let up.

“Teacher, did you hear me? You’re ugly! You’re ugly!”

“That’s enough, Jasper,” I cut him off. “Class, turn to page 43. Please.”

It was the eerie silence that raised my gaze from the podium. A sea of questioning eyes stared back at me. Another student spoke. “Then do you think you’re pretty, teacher?”

The relentless whir of the ceiling fan amplified the pounding in my ears. I knew from the peculiar heat in my cheeks that my face had flushed tomato red. “I-I-I don’t think I’m ugly,” I stammered. My words quickened. “I mean, I don’t think I’m pretty either. I know I’m average.”

The student was usually a quiet one, contemplative and kind. He mulled over my answer with embarrassing thoughtfulness. “I think that’s quite right,” he concluded at last. “That’s probably correct.”

The class seemed satisfied with this resolution. But I stood mortified. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back of my self-esteem.

144

145

LEARNING TO BE UGLY

Standing court before a jury of tired nine-year-olds in the education-obsessed underbelly of Seoul was the least of my indignities. Middle-aged women often stopped me in the street for opinion polls, only to send me back once they realized I wasn’t eligible for their age bracket: 35 to 50. A short stint chaperoning a field trip culminated in the bus driver asking me whose mother I was.

Shopkeepers averted their eyes when I came in to peruse their clothes. Mirrors were everywhere in South Korea; after each humiliating incident, I was haunted by my reflection from angles I had never seen.

Spring 2017. I was 25 and had run away to Asia as a solution to the problem of adulthood. My housing was basically a locker room measuring two-and-a-half by one meters. It contained a tiny closet, a tiny bed, a mini fridge, and a washroom with a shower nozzle above the toilet. I had to sit on the toilet sideways because there wasn’t enough space left for my knees .

Despite these dismally cramped quarters, the microsuite came with the essential Korean embellishments: a window on one wall, a TV on the other, and mirrors on the two walls parallel to my bed. I was my own panopticon, witnessing myself in unwanted detail, a saga of chronic unemployment, an eating disorder, unrequited love, spiritual anguish, all complicated by a beast called body dysmorphia.

Its definition: A mental disorder in which you cannot stop thinking about perceived defects in your appearance.

Seoul was the perfect place for this particular beast to thrive.

Ring, ring, ring. Click.

“Hello. HongDae Dream Light Clinic.”

“Hi, do you take walk-ins?”

146

“For certain procedures, yes.”

“Well, I was thinking of getting an appraisal of my face… see what options are open.”

“Yes, we can do that anytime.”

The clinic was less than 10 minutes from my microsuite. I walked in cautiously, but the office was as nondescript as the neighborhood dentist’s. A flurry of forms and greetings led me into a little room across from the… nurse? Office manager?

“It’s illegal for anyone aside from the doctor to conduct consultations.” A line from an article popped up in my mind. But the information was as superfluous as a sudden visitation by Clippy during my last grade school essay. I didn’t have the confidence to demand attention from anyone else.

The employee observed me, and I observed her in return. She wore an amber-pink eye shadow (that was the trend in 2017, I swear) and her face was pale, small. A spatter of celebrity photos decorated the wall beside us.

147

JULLADONNA PARK + GRACE CHEN

“Your face. It’s mismatched,” she began.

The reaction I experienced neared that of cathartic relief. “I was in a cycling accident,” I explained eagerly. “So I got a hairline fracture over here, under my left eye.”

She leaned in to see. It dawned on me that I was seeking an explanation for my ugliness. It thrilled me to see some veneer of logic crystallize over my beauty-obsessed haze, a haze that weighed as thick and oppressive as the fine dust that pervades all of Seoul.

“The most effective option is a facelift,” the attendant said. She pushed toward me an image of a face with strings beneath the skin, pulling each layer upward toward the ears. I briefly imagined how it would feel to have your flesh harnessed like a tent. Inwardly, I recoiled.

We ultimately decided that I should go for the economical option, a temporary “lifting laser” that would even out the left side of my face, with a bonus in the form of a free ampule shot into my forehead.

My first sight of the doctor was from the operating chair.

“So, what are we doing?” he asked from behind his mask. The attendant told him.

“To fix the unevenness in my face,” I added helpfully.

“Uneven? It looks totally fine,” he responded absentmindedly.

Wait, what? The laser puttered into action. The procedure began.

Later, in my tiny shoebox of a room, I messaged a friend back home.

“I actually don’t regret it,” I wrote. “Placebo or not, I’m not afraid to go outside anymore.”

148

“Julia… seriously. Take care of yourself,” she texted back. I could hear the apprehension in her words.

“This stop is Cheongdam Station. Cheongdam Station.”

A few months after the laser treatment, I stepped off the metro, joining the swarm of bodies that milled onto the platform. Advertisements covered wide swaths of the station’s walls, beaming with psychedelic light over the tiled paths. Many played host to an endlessly repetitive array of before-and-after plastic surgery photos, but a few had gotten eerily inventive. One plastic surgery clinic was using an enormous version of Delacroix’s Liberty Leading the People, except that Liberty, triumphantly holding the flag, now had her face altered with a significant jaw reduction and apparent rhinoplasty.

Are they fucking serious?

My mind flashed to the towering halls of the Louvre, its frames and the pale and painted bodies that bulged within. I remember the awe that hit me, to witness the soft gray and somber light accentuating all of Delacroix’s suffering figures.

I smiled warily to imagine some foreigner’s flabbergasted response at the strange blasphemy of this train station ad. But then again, nothing counts as blasphemy in the business of redoing bodies. Dr. Frankenstein would have nothing on these Seoulite plastic surgeons, all of whom graduate from residency with the pragmatic awareness that beauty is much more lucrative than life.

Before class, I slipped into an empty bathroom and peered at my reflection. A pang of frustration weighed on me, again, as I took in the lines of my face. As I wondered if I really

149

had the courage to redo my nose, my chin, a more important question struck my chest.

LEARNING TO BE UGLY

Do I want to?

I turned my head and observed myself with watery eyes from the left, then from the right.

Gingerly I prodded my double chin, and ran my fingertips across the sunken part underneath my cheekbones, the part of me that has always reminded me of my paternal grandma, who passed away ages ago. I considered my lips — which I used to like until a boy asked me why they were so small, and my eyes, which are basically a carbon copy of my mother’s.

In that moment, it occurred to me that perhaps I was the worst blasphemer of all. To be so willing to blame my own face — an amalgam of those who’ve loved me — for all the upsets I’ve encountered in this alienating motherland. To ruin my health out of malice and vanity. To be so weak against this world of self-policing, senseless binaries, and beauty standards.

My mind drifted to my time spent in Seoul in 2011, then as a substitute teacher for an English language kindergarten. I’d been charged with overseeing an easy task — making sure that all the four-year-olds had colored in a photocopied image of a garden. My eyes glazed over, bored, as each child scribbled to completion; the boy next to me chose to fill in some leaves with aquamarine blue. Well, that’s creative.

Not a minute later, a Korean teacher swooped in at the sight of his whimsical blue branches.

“That’s wrong, Dae-woo!”

We both looked up, Dae-woo and I. “You’ve made a mistake,” The teacher said

150

with exasperated heat. She rummaged around for a green crayon, which she slapped onto his desk. “Fix it up, now.”

The boy paused, confused. I tried to surmise his thoughts. There’s no such thing as an eraser that undoes color. So what happens when the color is wrong?

There is a relief that comes with knowing that the categories we once thought were objective turn out to be astoundingly subjective.

The teacher sighed with apparent realization.

She reached into her file and slipped another photocopy over his first. “Do it over again.”

That August, I returned to Vancouver. The healing process came slowly: a series of unexpected rebirths.

At the tail end of 26, I lost the baby fat and found a face distinctly different from the one I once prodded with such fret. The water and air of the Canadian west coast did more for my skin than that tragic $300 laser treatment. And finally, I met an exceedingly spiritual teenage friend with a distinct philosophy on self-esteem that changed my perspective more than plastic surgery ever could.

“Everything is energy, you’ve got to protect your energy,” she told me constantly.

“Can you like, explain that?” I responded, stupidly, the first time I heard her spiel.

“Think about it,” she continued patiently. “All the atoms that make up your body. They’re all listening to what you’re saying.” She widened her eyes. “Just like your mind is conscious.

Your body is conscious too.”

The next week, as I twisted my torso and turned my neck during a yoga stretch, I looked back at my arm and felt a visceral rush of grat-

151

PARK + CHEN

itude. It was the beginning of an epiphany, the continuation of the sullen thoughts that had arisen before a mirror in Cheongdam Station.

I’d been cruel to myself. Not just the idea of myself, but truly me — in all my messy cells, the DNA that knit me, the tangible manifestation of myself in this moment in time and space.

Within me was my ancestry: divided histories, self-doubt, and violence. Ugly. Fat. Stupid.

Dull. I’d consumed these words in the fullness of their meaning; no one taught me to understand subtle acts of love as a cancellation of spoken cruelties. Within my secret disease, my body dysmorphia, was the fear that what was vocalized about my appearance was truer than what was implied, an exhaustion at the carelessness with which we flung such destructive words. Each misnomer remained in me undigested, lodged in the crevices of my bones until they began to spill out of my throat and slip into my ears again.

Thus began the purge of this reserve of words.

Things like: “Teacher, you’re ugly. You’re ugly.

You’re ugly!” “You, a boyfriend? Take a look at yourself.” “Well you’re not exactly skinny, are you? Are you pregnant?” “Your face must look like a potato because you like them so much.” “Julia, you’re so disgusting.” I vomited memories of the cruel jabs one by one, each hurl striking a blow to the walls that had stood so strong in my mind.

There is a relief that comes with knowing that the categories we once thought were objective turn out to be astoundingly subjective. The journey then begins anew to comb through the memories which have imprinted on our souls; to find that little pang of love that comes at each moment of self-recognition. This is how we learn that to be ourselves is not incorrect, and find reassurance that there is no need to do ourselves over again.

152

Julladonna Park (BA UBC, MSc Oxford) works in educational programming and student development in Vancouver, Canada. Her writing can be found on Medium and LinkedIn Pulse as Julia JH Park.

Grace Chen is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Communication. As a photographer, Grace’s work primarily focuses on fashion portraiture, with additional interests in the field of graphic design.

153

LEARNING TO BE UGLY

154

155

JULLADONNA PARK + GRACE CHEN

Model Mae Col

156

157

SEAN MUNDY

158

a chat with drag queen

JORDAN

159

JAYRO

Interviewed by Diana Fonte Photography by Matthew Parisien

In a city as expansive and vibrant as Los Angeles, the odds of the Apple employee troubleshooting your Macbook at the Genius Bar being a regular in West Hollywood are not slim. The odds of that employee being an up-and-coming drag queen, stand-up comedian, and singer, are much less probable – but still possible.

Jordan Jayro (25) has done it all – comedy, singing, professional makeup, dancing – and has found that the intersection of his skills lie in drag.

As a self-proclaimed rookie in the glamorous world of drag queens, I had the opportunity to be taken through his journey to navigate his new identity, and find out where he plans to go next.

Q So, Jordan Jayro is your real name?

A Jordan Jayro is my drag name, my real name is Jordan Rayos. The last name is an almost-anagram of my real last name.

Q Tell me about yourself. Where are you from?

A I was born in New Jersey and lived there until I was six, moved to Texas ‘til I was eight, moved to Delaware ‘til I was 13, moved to Puerto Rico ‘til I was 14… then moved to Georgia and went to high school there.

I had a full-ride scholarship to the University of West Georgia, and after that I just high-tailed it out of there and went to California.

Q Did you tire of Georgia?

A Yeah. I dropped everything and came here. My plan wasn’t to move here until like, the night of graduation when my dad was like, “We’re moving!”. We all came here together, but they’ve since moved back.

Q Did you stay to pursue drag? Did you foresee this being your career?

A No, I avoided it for years. I have always been a performer, I have always had a sense of humor and always appreciated show business. I did theater, and it sort of filled that void for a while, but then I got sick and tired of being in the background. I’m not tall, I’m not caucasian, I’m not super manly in the, you know, cisgender-hypermasculine context. So I didn’t really fit anywhere. I could never stand next to the leading ladies because I needed to be “The Man”. I got sick of having the talent,

161

JORDAN JAYRO + DIANA FONTE + MATTHEW PARISIEN

162

163

A CHAT WITH A DRAG QUEEN

and putting in all of the hard work, yet still not being able to do certain things because of something that I couldn’t control. So finally I thought, “Well, why not just take things into my own hands?” And I became a leading lady myself! I did it all myself, and now I’m creative director, music director, performer, artist, costume designer, wig stylist, makeup artist… I do it all.

Q So it’s all you. Is it all self-taught?

A Well, the performing is trained. But things like sewing I learned through costuming when I took costume classes. Makeup was all selftaught, pretty much. By the time I took a stage makeup class I was already actively performing in drag, so I already had a good grip on it.

But now I can do special effects makeup and incorporate that into the drag. As for wig styling, I know the basics just from YouTube, but I will outsource that if it’s for some of the more elaborate looks. Most of the hair I can usually do myself.

Q So how did you get your start? What’s the process like? How do you find people who want you to perform?

A So, I used to go to this club named Inland Empire that would host all these Rupaul’s Drag Race queens. They had a Drag Race girl come, and she would attract a huge crowd and host amateur drag competitions. The winner would get 100 bucks. There were judges, the whole thing. I would email the owner like “Hey, let me come, here are pic

“

everything that I’ve appreciated as a boy, I’ve just put makeup on and manifested into a more flamboyant female caricature.

164

“

no, you don’t have to win ... if you meet people and make the most of your time, you can win later down the line.

tures” -- which I took like, in my living room. I would go to those and I started to make friends. Then I started to use social media to build a small following, so I would start reaching out to other people who I knew were doing shows in other clubs. I never won a single competition, until recently.

Q But it wasn’t about the competition for you.

A No, you don’t have to win. Because being there is winning, and if you meet people and make the most of your time, you can win later down the line. I won a couple of months ago. I did this one competition because I really wanted to perform a paid spot at Flaming Saddles in West Hollywood.

Q Oh my God. (Flaming Saddles: a Western-themed club that’s home to drag queens riding on swinging saddles and tacky music that is strangely endearing. My friends love that place.)

A It was one of my drag milestones. I told myself before my first year of drag that I wanted to get a paid performance at Saddles. The hostess, Pickle, is one of my good friends.

Q Pickle?

A Her name is Pickle. Now we’re super cool and I do a bunch of her shows with her, she’s like my sister. Anyways, Pickle was the host of this competition, and I told her I was going to come back every week until I

165

JORDAN JAYRO + DIANA FONTE + MATTHEW PARISIEN

166

167

A CHAT WITH A DRAG QUEEN

won. So on the third week I won and I got the booking. And since that’s such a huge venue, it led to more. Like, tomorrow I’m performing at the Abbey (arguably the most famous gay club in West Hollywood) for the first time.

Q Congratulations, that’s huge.

A I got the email yesterday and I was like, “What? I didn’t have to ask or beg?” And I’m sure that will lead to other things, you know, word of mouth. That’s how it works, you just have to know people and have a good reputation. Be on time. Be on time and get to know everybody.

Q How did you tell your friends or your family? Did they know? Do they know?

A Yeah. Well, it made sense. People in high school would always bring it up, drag just kept making an appearance in my life. Someone random would say “You should really try drag, you’d be really good.” And I would say something like, “Drag is a last resort for the gays who don’t make it in theater. I would never do that.” But finally, I just ran out of excuses to not do it, and I knew I would be great. So I just did it. And my friends always come out to see the shows. I’ve taken my mom to see shows and she loves it. They support me.

Q Do you separate your life as Jordan Jayro separate from your life as Jordan Reyes?

A I would say it is separate at this point. My transformation is kind of intense; I’ve fully had relationships with people in and out of drag, and they didn’t know I was the same person. There’s a moment in the transformation, I think it’s when I do my lips, when the whole thing changes.

I feel so beautiful at that moment.

Q Do the folks at Apple know that you’re a drag queen?

A Some of them. Well, I was actually referred to the job by another drag queen, and it’s a great company. So that’s another reason that it’s important to talk to everybody and to be very nice. They’re all going to know eventually.

Q I feel like at least at first, it would be intimidating to say the least. Is there competition?

A There is and there isn’t. I don’t feel at all threatened or insecure because what I do is so different that I will always be working, and I think

168

a lot of girls feel threatened because I’m so new and what I’m doing is so different. I’m not really following the rules because I don’t come from a drag family, I’m doing this on my own. I can’t say, “This is how I was taught to do drag.” I think others may feel like maybe there won’t be a place for them, but I don’t believe in that. I think there’s room for everyone.

Q So, walk me through one of your shows. What does the night of look like?

A Okay. Are you ready? I start getting ready two hours before I need to leave, which is not a lot of time, I’m pretty fast. My face is usually like an hour, then the second hour is getting the pads on, tucking, getting my undergarments ready, packing my bag (because I have multiple looks). I get my first whole look on and ready so when I show up to the club, I can walk from the door to the stage, and I’m ready.

By now I’ve emailed the music to the DJ, I get there, I check in, I greet every single person. Then I go find a little station, put my stuff down, and I wait for the “go-time.” While I’m backstage, that’s when I’m like “Hi. I’m Jordan, how are you” to everyone and that’s usually how I’ll book my next show, because some of the queens are hosts at other clubs. So the host queen will book the show and she’s the one who will email me.

Q Got it. So now it’s showtime?

A Right. There are usually two numbers, so I’ll do my first number, then someone else, someone else, someone else, then there’s an intermission, and then it all repeats. After the show, you mingle and shake hands and everything. The whole thing is usually just under three hours long. I just did a show that started around 10:30 and I was done by midnight.

Q That’s not too long, but it must be very exhausting.

A It’s hot as hell. It’s like wearing seven beanies, and I’m wearing four layers of dance tights. I use two layers of setting spray, a little powder, and sometimes I’ll even set my makeup with hairspray too.

Q So, it’s physically draining, time consuming… Would you want to do it full-time?

A I would love that. Five years from now, I need to be doing my own thing. I would love to host my own show with all sorts of crazy differ

169

JORDAN JAYRO + DIANA FONTE + MATTHEW PARISIEN

170

A CHAT WITH A DRAG QUEEN

ent performers, not just for drag but for everything, comedy, singing, et cetera. I want to sell out arenas. In the next five years, I would love for it to just be me and a small band or something.

Q Do you think this profession is empowering for others? Is that part of the reason you do it?

A In general, performing has always made me happy because it makes other people happy. I get to see people who have been at work all day just drink, have a good time, have a laugh and forget their stress. Like, I’m not anything special, I’m just a guy in a dress, but for them to be so excited to see me, that’s emotional.

Q I’m sure. Do you remember your first show?

A I do. It was awful. I would say the first 10 to 15 performances were horrific. They’ve only recently started getting good, honestly. I was a cheeseburger, and I sang that song “I Seen Beyonce at Burger King” and I tore off the cheeseburger and I had like a beaded bodysuit underneath. William Belli was hosting – great drag queen – and she took a bite of my burger.

Q Are there social implications of drag? What don’t you like about the industry as it stands today?

A There’s no protection, there’s no union. A lot of nightlife work is just shady. There have been times when I haven’t been paid, and I was the

“

performing has always made me happy because it makes other people happy.

172

only one not getting paid. People are always trying to take advantage of you, which is very competitive. I think if people see that you have something they don’t have, they will either get rid of you or get it from you in order to put themselves above you.

Q Do you think confidence is a big part of this? Has it gotten you far?

A I still struggle with just saying hello to people, but you have to because that’s how you get the next job. At this point, when you’re in drag and people are already looking at you, they’re already paying attention to you, so you might as well say hello.

Q When referring to drag queens, what pronouns should be used?

A I refer to them as she just because when were in the dressing room were all ladies. I don’t get offended, like, if im out of drag and you call me “she”, I’m gonna be fine, if you call me “he”, it’s fine, if you call me “he” while I’m in drag, it’s probably fine unless it’s to deliberately diminish the quality of what I do. I’ll probably shrug it off. Some queens are strictly she/her/hers pronouns, it varies. But like, we’re not trans.

Drag is what I do, it’s not who I am. Drag, for me, is this suit of armor that allows me to do things that I don’t feel capable of doing as a boy. It makes me feel free.

Matthew Parisien is a Montreal based photographer who specializes in fashion and beauty photography.

Diana Fonte is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Public Relations.

She is the Editor in Chief for Haute Magazine.

173

JORDAN JAYRO + DIANA FONTE + MATTHEW PARISIEN

174

POINT STUDIO

HYAKKIYAKOU – NIGHT OF HUNDRED DEMONS

A monster with a hundred eyes transformed by a girl who lived in a wealthy family yet was addicted to stealing. An eye was popped-up from a wound on the middle of her palm after her first time; those eyes started growing on every inch of her skin every time she committed crimes.

She died after a few days and became the legendary Hodomeki.

176

177

POINT STUDIO

178

179

HYAKKIYAKOU – NIGHT OF HUNDRED DEMONS

180 00

181

POINT STUDIO

182

Makeup Evelyn Ho Hair Billy Hai

183

Model Elizabeth Tang

HYAKKIYAKOU – NIGHT OF HUNDRED DEMONS

Point Studio is a Hong Kong based company that works with online magazines and various design projects, focusing on styling, photography, fashion, and concept planning. Point has worked with talents from Hong Kong and London, persisting local Hong Kong style and exploring fresh breakthrough in original arts.

184

MEDICINE

Gulet Isse is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Narrative Studies and Theatre.

Matteo Gueli is a Montreal based digital and film photographer. His work explores themes of growing up, living in the suburbs, intimacy and interpersonal relationships.

185

Writing by Gulet Isse Photography by Matteo Gueli

It starts with a buzz through the numbness Muscle memory kicks in And I reenter this cycle of Blind love and high hopes Convinced that I’m invincible I break myself on principle Residing at the pinnacle and Loving you in digital Forgive and forget Just how much neglect Sinner’s pride must regret I am left in rejection Your love reminds me of my mother’s It lifts and uncovers But only when it is easy for you to do so Because when you hold me And you look a little more closely I can see the fear creep in behind your eyes Don’t you know that I am a Reflection of you?

The only difference between us two Is another lifetime and a hateful view So is that it?

Does my love make you hate yourself?

In its recklessness or its volume?

The boundlessness of it?

The sacrifices it has made?

Why can’t you understand what I am telling you so clearly?

When I tasted you the other night I felt the scars where they ripped these words from your mouth So that when I try to speak love into you It’s as if my tongue is foreign The pain of their absence has made you numb to my presence And I know better than anyone how much it hurts to remember I guess a part of me was hoping I could make you buzz too.

186

MIKE 187

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

ESPERANZA Featuring Adam Vesperman

188

189

MIKE ESPERANZA + ADAM VESPERMAN

190

191

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

Mike Esperanza is a New York based photographer who has established a national presence in the graphic design and dance communities. As an acclaimed artist and designer, Mike has created award-winning work for Columbia Tristar, Sony, Telemundo, Nissan, The Colgate Company, The Irvine Company, Fashion Island and Santana Row.

192

193

MIKE ESPERANZA + ADAM VESPERMAN

Adam Vesperman is a senior at the University of Southern California and a part of the Glorya Kaufman School of Dance’s BFA Class of 2020.

Adam has completed the entirety of his dance training at Allegro Performing Arts Academy in Kent, WA. He finds his main sources of inspiration in art, music, and energy.

00 194

195

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

196

197

MIKE ESPERANZA + ADAM VESPERMAN

198

JONAH WALLACH

Jonah Wallach is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Design.

200

201

JONAH WALLACH

halle baerenstecher

Interviewed by Awo Jama Photography by Halle Baerenstecher Awo Jama is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Journalism and Digital Studies.

She is the Director of Writing for Haute Magazine.

203

Inside Upcycled Denim: Sustainability with a Story

204

Fashion is destroying our planet. While it may not be the largest polluter in the world, fashion is slowly reaching that point at number two, right behind the oil industry. Research has revealed that the apparel industry is responsible for approximately 10% of global carbon emissions, and 20% of industrial wastewater. The excessive use of chemicals, namely pesticides on cotton, has proven to be detrimental to the health of farmers and consumers of manufactured clothing. Perhaps most disturbing of all, over 15 million tons of textile waste is generated yearly, a number that is steadily on the rise.

Many brands have attempted to alleviate the massive stresses that the fashion industry places on the environment, such as H&M, who launched their Conscious line to offer more sustainable and organic options to their consumers. Considering how massive the supply chains of many brands are, it may be nearly impossible to achieve true sustainability throughout the fashion industry; however, all hope is not lost, as countless up-and-coming sustainable fashion designers are creating pieces to combat the strains fashion places on the environment and inspiring consumers to make the switch to green. One such designer, Halle Baerenstecher, a sophomore in the Arts, Technology, and the Business of Innovation major at the University of Southern California’s Iovine and Young Academy is doing just that with her line, Upcycled Denim. The eco-friendly fashion brand centers itself around extending the life cycle of an unwanted or outworn pair of jeans, “upcycling� them to take on a completely revived and sustainable form, while also retaining their unique history.

205

AWO JAMA + HALLE BAERENSTECHER

207

INSIDE UPCYCLED DENIM

Origins As unconventional as reworking each strand of a piece of denim is, the beginnings of Upcycled Denim prove even more unconventional. The line was birthed not through one of Baerenstecher’s fashion projects, but rather through her skills in sculpture making. One high school summer at the Parsons School of Art and Design inspired Baerenstecher to begin “making sculptures out of old textiles, even old electronics.”

Her work eventually came to encompass making wearable art and sculptures; according to Baerenstecher, these are “some of the largest parts of the landfills, textile waste and technological waste.” Once friends began giving her jeans to incorporate into her work, the rest was history, as Baerenstecher shifted her focus to making more practical pieces for free. Although she did not charge for her jeans at first, once the project started gaining traction, turning a profit seemed inevitable. Growing the business was also necessary, and through selling at the Rose Bowl Flea Market and other such hubs for second-hand clothing, she was able to gain contacts that proved vital to the development and manufacturing of Upcycled Denim as a business.

The Process As with any artistic endeavor, a smooth workflow is key to producing a successful piece. For Baerenstecher, the process of reworking a given pair of jeans seems almost as complex, if not more so, than their initial creation. The recipe begins with sourcing textiles, which proves to be far more difficult than an average thrift trip.

“I have now gone to warehouses, flea markets, thrifting myself… I’ve bought thousands of dollars worth of materials,” Baerenstecher states. However time- and funds-consuming gathering materials can be, it is an altogether rewarding process for the young designer. “I love vintage clothing because each piece has a story to it,” claims Baerenstecher. “When I buy each pair of jeans [I] can see how tall that person [was] because of where the knee hits, you can see if two different people owned it because of where it has been worn at the knee.” The best type of denim to use, in Baerenstecher’s perspective, is “old denim that has no stretch,” due to the lack of synthetic materials in them. Such pairs of jeans are few and far between these days because, according to Baerenstecher, “pretty much all clothes within the past ten years are made with plastic in them… These clothes are going to the landfill, and then the plastic is going to have hazardous effects when it starts biodegrading or melting and letting out toxic fumes.”

208

After sourcing comes assembling, a once-tedious process for Baerenstecher that has since become easier with the help of a manufacturing team. “I’ve started working with a manufacturer, someone helping me in Houston hands-on with a couple of seamstresses,” she says of her new team. Her aim is to make the process collaborative rather than “just giving them [the seamstresses] a tech pack and they cut the material from a bolt.” Despite the help, Baerenstecher still prefers to be at the helm of production and does the bulk of preparatory work and finishings. From start to finish, a piece can take hundreds of hours, more if there’s hand fraying involved. For Baerenstecher, the work is worth it, as it is an environmentally friendly alternative to mass production.

“I never want to be any sort of mass manufacturer,” she states. “I want to bring value back into clothing and move away from treating clothes as trash.”

Moving Forward As time has proven, a college dorm can’t contain a producer like Upcycled Denim. As the business has grown, Baerenstecher herself has moved towards expanding not only its size but also the styles available. Currently, Upcycled Denim has jeans available in four styles, with prices ranging from $150-$200; the price fluctuates depending on the quality and fit of the jeans that the customer offers up to be reworked. The steep price, as with most sustainable fashion pieces, can be attributed to the fact that the jeans are “handmade, hand-cut, essentially couture” garments that occasionally require custom measurements and hand sewing. In Baerenstecher’s eyes, “those sorts of things are important, knowing who made it and being able to trace things back.” In the future, she would ideally like to sell at a “market or at a store, and make a website.” Regarding the scale of Upcycled Denim, Baerenstecher would prefer to keep it minimal and “more collection-based, similar to curated stores where they only have three of the pieces.” The reason for this that regardless of fabric, creating any type of clothing requires resources and energy, and the opportunity cost of expending energy on textile creation or infusing chemicals into clothing must be taken into consideration. A possible solution that Baerenstecher is willing to delve into is creating a new sustainable fabric through textile chemistry, which would bridge the worlds of science and fashion to reduce the massive amounts of waste the industry produces. While it is uncertain how long it may take for such a material to be created, Baerenstecher’s ultimate goal of turning her project into a “movement with upcycling” and “changing the stigma toward used and vintage clothing” is as within reach as ever before, and the young visionary is not slowing down anytime soon.

209

AWO JAMA + HALLE BAERENSTECHER

210

coming back home was like the sudden screech of car brakes. like cavernous spaces with my name written in tree sap. like the quiet whispers of shaky fingers. or like the salt of childhood staining a mattress. and forbidden thoughts that hide in closets. like football in the grass, like stealing stones from houses when i was young and could still fly. like birds in the suburban sky. milk teeth littered the floor like marbles, andhidden behind posters were memories, and every piece of paper was poetry. i have learnt that splintering trust becomes sharp words and that it hurts, like dad told me, when your wife hits you with a purse. i am far too tall for these walls. perhaps it is time that i leave.

Writing by Nisha Venkat Photography by Carolyn Knapp 211

UNTITLED

Nisha Venkat is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Journalism.

Carolyn Knapp is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Cinema and Media Studies.

212

JOSH

ROSE

CAMERAS AND DANCERS

Josh Rose is a Los Angeles based photographer who focuses on concept-driven editorial and assignment photography. His unique eye and story-driven approach has made him one of the most sought-out new photographers, leading him to shoots for brands such as Nike, Ford, Major League Baseball, Leica, the L.A. Marathon, the Los Angeles Dance Project, Ember, Homeless Health Care, and a variety of celebrity clients.

214

215

JOSH ROSE

00

217

CAMERAS AND DANCERS

218

Models Natasha Patterson Madison Lynch Keharis Prayer Jacob Jones The Company Diavolo Katherine Helen Fisher Les 7 Doigts

219

JOSH ROSE

220

THE SCALE TRIGGER WARNING The following piece vividly discusses topics of disordered eating, body dysmorphia and mental illness.

221

Writing by Erin McAndrews Photography by Trevor Daw

222

I step on the scale and my mind is instantly filled with regret – Why didn’t I skip lunch?

Why did I eat so goddamn much? the crisp tiles are frigid and send a shiver up my protruding spine as I lay there sobbing. tears stain my cheeks as my delicate body lurches, one hand gripping the stark white bowl.

223

ERIN MCANDREWS + TREVOR DAW

Just a few more pounds, I think then I’ll be happy

224

my plates get smaller and my waist follows the airbag, it mocks me, telling me it’s on I’m told I look beautiful, but what was I before?

Is this really worth it?

I think as I skip yet another dinner.

I desperately wish For my baggy clothes to swallow me whole

225

THE SCALE

Just a few more pounds, I think then I’ll be happy

my eyes begin to sink and darken my skin is dull and gray an unfamiliar crop takes root in my body this new fuzz tries desperately to keep me warm.

The storm raging inside my head it’s confusing – and consuming hopeless that’s all I am my humor, my wit – all that I used to love it’s gone.

227

ERIN MCANDREWS + TREVOR DAW

Just a few more pounds, I think then I’ll be happy

229

THE SCALE

The pounds drift away but my happy never comes

230

Erin McAndrews is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Law, History, and Culture.

Trevor Daw is a dancer, actor, and model based in LA. He trained at UNCSA and USC for dancing, acting, video editing, screenwriting, directing, and cinematography and is currently working professionally in in these respective fields. He intends to create work that inspires action, and ignites ambitions that lead to growth in the audiences mental and emotional capacity and complexity.

231

ERIN MCANDREWS + TREVOR DAW

232

IN THE HOTEL ROOM Writing and Photography by Ela Passarelli

234

in the hotel room, we linger on a movie leonardo dicaprio plays a man whose face is bleeding while the orange moon plays music dancers twirling onto the width of its stringy cloud a box of glow washes over the scene he sees the man is dead and touches his chest his fingers red and warm and then it’s all reversed blue arteries twinkle in the sky time to shoot the other man says, and does it the careful burst of color floating softly into the foggy warmth the man still kneeling with his head pressed to the dirt gun left open to the sky in his trembling hand only when the doves fall singing does he dare dream of redemption

Ela Passarelli is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Film and Television Production.

235

ELLA PASSARELLI

236

237

SEAN MUNDY

238

THE ART OF STAYING SOBER Writing by Benjamin Davis Illustration by Nikita Klimov

240

Benjamin Davis is a columnist, author and recovering tech-journalist. He claims that his writing is like a bunch of people at a party trying to tell different jokes at the same time.

Nikita Klimov is a graphic and web designer based in St. Petersburg, Russia.

241

BENJAMIN DAVIS + NIKITA KLIMOV

A D.A.R.E. officer visited my high school and told us, “Young people think they’re invincible. This isn’t true!”

I sat in the back of the room with my hands under my bum. A voice in the back of my head said, “But I am, though.”

After graduating high school, I spent the next 10 years unable to sleep, socialize, or exist past 5 p.m. without excessive amounts of alcohol or drugs. We called the drugs “cheat codes.” Want to sleep? Drink this or take that. Want to have fun? Drink that or take this. Want to socialize? Want to not be bored?

All of this drinking resulted in three years of on-and-off debilitating digestive issues, the pain of which I masked with (you guessed it) alcohol. It took months of blood and pain, ending in emergency surgery, before I finally thought, “Okay, maybe that D.A.R.E. guy was on to something.”

The aforementioned surgery (along with a heavy dose of guilt from my girlfriend) kept me sober after my surgery, but only for three months. Then I found myself in another doctor’s office, on a table with my head between my knees and a 10-inch tube up my rectum. The doctor said, “If you don’t stop, you will be back on this table very soon and it will be much more painful.

242

It took another six months before I started to feel normal enough to notice the many changes being sober made to my life. I was bored all of the time, I couldn’t sleep, and I was anxious in social situations.

I realized that if I didn’t find ways to solve those problems, I’d be back to drinking again. I would talk to people about these problems but nothing they said felt helpful. Just like had happened with the D.A.R.E. officer, the voice in the back of my head felt louder. It was always saying, “This sucks, have a drink.”

The truth is, I loved drinking. None of the warnings people gave me ever impacted my life. I kept steady work and healthy relationships.

I never became angry, violent, or sad when I drank. But that meant I had to find my own way to stop, for my own reasons, with new things to love.

When I was drinking, time felt relative. Sober, time was not. When I was hanging around the house at night, I would look down at my phone and think, “Holy shit, it’s only 8:30?” I’d distract myself, eat something, take a shower, draw a self-portrait, write a sonnet, learn Chinese, clip my toenails, and then look down at my watch again and think, “Holy shit, it’s only 8:35?”

Everyone said things like, “You’ll appreciate moments more when you’re sober.” And this is true to some extent. I did notice moments of listening to the long, dragging sound of my slippers on the wood floor, or adjusting the rug beneath the coffee table because it was slightly crooked, or making that plant over there off-center and, now that you mention it, I should move that plant to the window so it gets some sunlight. Then: “Holy shit, it’s only 8:37?”

My girlfriend tried to keep up with me by reorganizing her makeup shelf, making faces at the cat, reading a book, and taking Instagram pictures. Then she would throw up her hands and cry, “Would you sit down?”

243

THE ART OF STAYING SOBER

So, fearing for my life, I sat down, opened a book, and began to read.

From there I started reading for four or five hours every night. I’d forgotten that I could read at night because reading is not a drunk man’s pastime. It was nice to rediscover something I’d loved and lost. I still wanted to drink but reading was the first of my New Loves and it was a step in the right direction.

When you’re sober, you’re that kid at the party who’s allergic to candy.

Remember that kid? Me either. No one remembers that kid. He was at home being spoon-fed pureed carrots. But when you don’t drink, you’re that kid and every weekend is Halloween. All of the other kids in the neighborhood still want to invite you out but they never know quite what to do with you.

They might say: “Hey Jimmy, I know you can’t eat candy but we’re all going out this weekend to Trick or Treat and get doped up on Tootsie Rolls. I know you can’t have any of the candy but you could sit, watch us, and eat grass?”

244

This makes socializing a painful process, especially when you go out with people who are used to drinking with you. There is no easy way to navigate this, but I’ve found two helpful steps: 1. Order a soft drink.

I personally go for seltzer with grenadine and lime. Not only is this quite tasty but it also looks like an alcoholic beverage so fewer people will comment. Plus, many bars hand these drinks out for free so you’ll save a bucket of money.

2. Talk about your butt.

This one might not work for you but my issues with alcohol directly impacted my ability to go to the bathroom, and subsequently resulted in that part of my anatomy being sliced open. You’d be amazed by how quickly people accept your sobriety when you start talking to them about butt surgery.

245

BENJAMIN DAVIS + NIKITA KLIMOV

People have faces that make noise and now you have to pay attention to that noise. This might come as a surprise to some, but people aren’t that interesting. (Except you. You’re fascinating.) Imagine watching YouTube videos at five times the speed for 10 years. Then one day, YouTube takes that option away and you’re now condemned to watch all of your favorite videos at a normal pace for the rest of eternity. That is the way conversations happen when you’re sober.

In the time it takes for me to respond to someone’s question of, “How are you?” I’ve already thought, “How am I? What a great question. I am curious why you haven’t gotten that mole on your nose removed, because you know it’s really easy these days. Maybe he likes the mole where it is? Maybe he finds it distinguished and takes pride in its placement because he has to come to terms with it after years of teasing as a child. Oh god, would I have teased him as a child? I hope not, because I was a good kid… I think. It’s hard to remember. I wonder if my memory of my childhood is fuzzy because something traumatic happened. But who traumatized me? Certainly not my gym teacher, he was cool. Oh shit, wait, I’ve got to answer this question mole-face — I mean James — just asked me.”

I turn to you and say, “I’m fine. You?” Finding yourself in a sober conversation after being drunk for 10 years is like finding out that you’ve forgotten how to swim after jumping into the ocean.

When you’re drunk and someone asks how you are, there are no thoughts. The conversation is instinctual. So finding yourself in a sober conversation after being drunk for 10 years is like finding out that you’ve forgotten how to swim after jumping into the ocean. You overthink, flail, close your eyes, and drown.

I don’t know if my solution to this one is best but I quickly realized after I quit drinking that there were many people in my life who I didn’t want to talk to. They added no value to my life or worse, they devalued my time. They’re gone now.

Once you stop drinking, your invitation to the pity party has been revoked. If you’re like me, you get to the end of a long and taxing day. You eat dinner, watch something on television, then walk into the bathroom, look in the mirror, and say, “Oh, you piece of shit. It’s still you.”

246

Before, I played the blame game: You’re an alcoholic. It’s alcohol’s fault that you feel like shit every day. It’s alcohol’s fault that you can’t focus on words long enough to read a book. It’s alcohol’s fault that you can’t go to the gym because you can’t find the motivation to get there. Thank God for alcohol, otherwise that asshole looking back at you in the mirror would be you.

But when I stopped drinking, nothing changed. I didn’t feel like crap anymore but I still hadn’t gone to the gym. I still didn’t like the person looking back at me. Who could I invite to my pity party if not alcohol? I felt as though everyone had tricked me into thinking sobriety was the cure to my woes. The lack of alcohol meant I had to actually learn to love myself without pity, which involved taking care of myself.

Alcohol is a quick solution to any problem, but actual solutions take time, patience and continuous effort.

I am not one of those people who is psychotically driven. When I read a self-help article, I don’t think, “Oh, I need to do that.” I think, “Fuck you for having your shit together.” Thus, every step towards caring for myself was made of wet concrete. The route never ended. But perhaps the most valuable thing I realized was that I don’t expect this work to end. Alcohol is a quick solution to any problem but actual solutions take time, patience, and continuous effort.

Some people don’t see the appeal in alcohol. High fives for them.

But for self-critical people with social anxiety, alcohol is a marvelous invention. When you quit drinking, your friends and family members might assume that love and support are all a person needs to wake up to the beauty of sobriety. But this isn’t true. People need more than support; they need solutions, alternatives, and creative thinking. Otherwise, best case scenario, we just get addicted to something else: sex, food, Jesus, yoga, reading, or selling hand-crafted jewelry on Etsy. You get the picture.

247

THE ART OF STAYING SOBER

As I write this, it’s been one year since my surgery. I have one week until my 30th birthday. Nearly a year ago, I sat on a six-hour flight I couldn’t miss with written warnings from the doctor and six baby-wipes tucked under that bum I’d so comfortably held all those years ago. I’ve logged nine months of sobriety, dozens of books read, thousands of pointlessly adjusted pieces of furniture, and countless aches and pains. With the money I’ve saved by avoiding the bottle, I’ve bought an iWatch that yells at me if I don’t exercise.

I have standing monthly appointments with a nutritionist who no longer rolls her eyes as the sight of me. I’m moving forward, I think.

Now if only I could quit smoking.

248

SAUL SINGLETON

249

Saul Singleton is a sophomore at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Cinematic Arts, Film and Television Production. Saul practices both photography and videography, with a particular affinity for film work.

250

251

SAUL SINGLETON

252

253

254

255

SAUL SINGLETON

256

257

258

Models Kelsey Kussman Joyce Ni Renee Ye

00 259

SAUL SINGLETON

260 00

Writing by Ela Passarelli Photography by Matthew Parisien

CANDY

HARD

When I was somewhere between seven and ten, I had a white CD player in my room and only one CD: Madonna’s eleventh album, Hard Candy, released in 2008. The duo sat alone on my desk, the only part of my room that was always clean. Playing that album was a ritual. High on anticipation, each day after school I pressed the play button, and through the clear green centerpiece watched the blue and white disk start to spin faster and faster. I shut my doors for privacy and closed my closet to reveal an unobstructed view of my full-length mirror. I stood motionless, waiting for the record to start. The dun-dun-dun ticker beat of “Candy Shop” broke the silence first, then the first line: See which flavor you like, and I’ll have it for you.

There’s something about Hard Candy that doesn’t allow the listener to sit still. As an eight year old, dancing along was irresistible. By the first trumpet note and “freaky freaky” of “4 Minutes”, I’d be on my feet, and at the breakdown, I’d be full out jamming, pumping my small fists against my bony frame with my knees bent and butt out. Not yet corrupted by embarrassment or insecurity, I held nothing back. Alone in my bedroom, I was a full-fledged dancing machine. Due to “Hard Candy” being the only music I had available, Madonna graced my childhood CD player in this way every day, and boy, did I love it. It wasn’t just the catchy tunes or energetic beats. It was the Madonna allure. It was the taunting pink lollipop album cover. It was Madonna with cropped hair, crouched down with her fingernails tapping her cheeks, legs splayed wide open, clad in a black corset and high black boots. It was the way she sang about sex and love and relationships and femininity and sex and sex and sex. At eight, this thrilled me. It still thrills me now. Hard Candy has marinated within me for years. When I was younger, I looked at the album only as what it truly is: catchy, fun, exciting music. I wasn’t aware of the stigma behind listening to pop music, loving blonde girly girls, or dancing in my pink room. There was no judgment or stereotypes. But as I got older, I was told over and over again— by my teachers, parents, feminists— that the worst thing I could do was become precisely who Madonna portrays in Hard Candy. As I’ve read and seen and thought more, I’ve become aware of the levels of depth present in everything. And I’ve listened

262

to Hard Candy less and less. Of course, this is partly due to streaming, a new speaker, and the fact that the existence of playlists has made listening to an album beginning to end pointless. However, this has also occurred because I’ve felt obliged to seek out music and art and culture that means something. Everything that I look at and strive to be is seemingly in a completely different world than the one Hard Candy resides in. Hard Candy has slowly become something I need to explain or justify: a childhood whim, a guilty pleasure, an indulgence. But this is a mistake. By discarding everything that doesn’t have depth or purpose, as we are so often told to do, we miss out on so many experiences that fulfill a different, necessary part of us.This part of us is just as important as our desire for meaning and thought. Two days ago, I was coming home from school with my eighth-grade sister. This was after a day I had spent in a writer’s workshop, where we thought and wrote and meditated for hours. During an awkward lull in our conversation, I frustratingly burst out, “Why can’t we talk about something deep for once?!”

And that did it— suddenly we were bellyache laughing, back in our usual groove. We giggled for a good five minutes at the stupidity of my comment. “Well, how about Madonna then?” I asked. So we put on Hard Candy, and of course we couldn’t help but dance. And then the same thing happened when I put it on while trying to write this essay, abandoning my computer screen for a good dance battle that my mom and other sister came and joined from downstairs.

This is what Hard Candy is, essentially: the opposite of depth, what you turn to when you need anything but. The beauty of beginning my adolescence with Hard Candy is that I started listening to it without caring about the meaning behind it, or rather, its lack of meaning. There was no need to look up the lyrics; I memorized them blindly through hearing the songs on repeat. I was aware of what she was literally talking about, not that this was anything that could or should be scoffed at. And this is how it should be. As much as we should give our respect and attention to the parts of us that want to delve into philosophical questions, readings,and inquiries about the world, there is no shame in sometimes, with moderation, allowing ourselves to fully appreciate the bubblegum happiness of the shallow. As Madonna says, “get stupid. Don’t stop it.” Because,

263

ELA PASSARELLI + MATTHEW PARISIEN

264

265

HARD CANDY

show or one pop song that dumbs us down and allows us to simply be in the frivolous sweetness of our own existence. What I still love about Madonna’s Hard Candy is how ruthless and unapologetic it is. There is the misconception that in music, an artist must delve deep within themselves, producing some form of commentary: on their lives, the world, politics, anything. Hard Candy is none of this.

Instead, it is the foam on the top of the cappuccino, the kidie pool, the eight year old girl energetically swinging her hips and pumping her arms in the mirror. And while all of these are shallow, they are not bad. In fact, without the foam on the top of the mug, there is no way to reach the dark coffee. Without the kiddie pool, there is no prospect of one day swimming in the ocean. And without eight year old girls dancing in the mirror to whatever they so choose, whether it be Madonna or Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift, there would not be the same amount of self love.

And really, that’s what Hard Candy is all about. It’s about Madonna’s refusal to apologize for growing older yet still being a material girl, about her love for everything we toss aside with the words “shallow” or “surface level.” It’s about her loving herself to the point that she is unafraid to say, “Yes, I love being in this sugary, pink, girly, dirty, intoxicating, sexy world.” Hard Candy is an ode to a world that we have been trained to scoff at. It’s a reminder that there’s a such thing as immersing ourselves in too much thought and losing sight of the shiny and beautiful things the world offers right at its surface. At it’s core, as Madonna sings gloriously through nights of dancing and long-lost loves, Hard Candy challenges us to get out of our heads and egos and prejudices— and simply live.

Ela Passarelli is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Film and Television Production.

Matthew Parisien is a Montreal based photographer who specializes in fashion and beauty photography.

266

267

Rony Hernandesis a SĂŁo Paulo based photographer.

Rony’s work focuses on naked, conceptual, music and fashion photography.

FRAGMENTOS DO CORPO

RONY HERNANDES

268

Models Giovanna Kuczynski Douglas Azevedo Naira Mattia Johnny Moraes Lio Soares Dennis Ramos

269

RONY HERNANDES

270

271

FRAGMENTOS DO CORPO

272

273

RONY HERNANDES

274

ZACH HAGY

00 275

YELLOW LANSING

276 00

Zach Hagy is a Detroit based multi-facet artist. He specializes in photography, production design, direction, and mixed media art.

He also runs an online and print magazine called “Something Different.� His mission is to create art that inspires, motivates and challenges people.

277

ZACH HAGY

Model Sarah Lewis

278

279

YELLOW LANSING

280

281

ZACH HAGY

282

284

285

ZACH HAGY

286

i’m here, you’re here, let’s be

friends

Writing by Ashara Wilson Photography by Matteo Gueli

288

This is a new space, nothing is familiar. Look around the room for something to do. Where should you put your hands? Maybe your pockets—no, pretend to text someone. Five minutes go by and you haven’t said a word to anyone around you. This is a social gathering, be social. Put the phone down and notice that there is someone across the room that looks about as awkward and anxious as you. They smile, you smile back. Time for human interaction:. They talk, you laugh. They are pretty funny. Congratulations, you have made a friend.

Time flies in this friendship. The two of you have sipped on iced coffee, frequented the movie theater, visited the beach, ventured into the night, for nothing but a good time. You have danced without inhibition at parties, left those same parties early, and have done all of the things good friends are supposed to do. Still,But something isn’t quite right. There is something off that you can’t place your finger on.

More time passes and you eventually figure it out. What was wrong all along is made clear over a Wednesday lunch. You don’t actually like this person. And it isn’t because of petty drama or the weird way they pronounce the word “data”. You realize that as they talk, you daydream. When they ask if you are free, you think of ways you could be busy.

Only now that your time is occupied with hobbies you enjoy and people you enjoy more does it become clear: the friendship was built from convenience. That night at that party when the two of you didn’t want to be alone is what sparked this relationship. It could have been anyone, and you still would have forged a loose bond. Congratulations, you have made a convenience friend.

289

ASHARA WILSON + MATTEO GUELI

Ashara Wilson is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Arts, Technology, and the Business of Innovation in USC’s Iovine and Young Academy.

Matteo Gueli is a Montreal based digital and film photographer.

His work explores themes of growing up, living in the suburbs, intimacy and interpersonal relationships.

290

INT. OFFICE - DAY JORDAN And she was just being such a bitch, you know? Just not listening to me at all and being passive aggressive as fuck. Like she knew I was having a bad day and still was acting like that. If the roles were reversed, I would never act like that to her. Whatever. She’s just so selfish and I feel like I try so hard to be a good friend and the effort is just not reciprocated. And then Daniel told me he feels like I’m being distant from him? I’ve been totally swamped at school and work and trying to do well in everything -- I don’t have time to spend all of my free time with him, and he just doesn’t get that at all. I know he’s my boyfriend and I obviously like spending time with him, but he’s just suffocating me. He always wants me to relax and stop stressing about things and hang out with him but I can’t do that all the time, I have things I need to get done. He doesn’t always get that this is just my life and honestly he’s just adding more stress right now. And then I got a fucking B- on my philosophy paper. The one I pulled an all-nighter for. So yeah, this week hasn’t been amazing.

Talking to a therapist isn’t exclusively for to when you’re dealing with traumatic events.

Therapy can be just as helpful for the small everyday stresses that get overwhelming.

There’s nothing wrong with reaching out to a professional for help -- you’re not “weak” or “broken,’’ you’re strong and courageous for taking the steps to care for yourself.

291

SCREENPLAY

Writing by Emily Um Photography by Erin Newsom

Emily Um is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Communication.

Erin Newsom is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Theatre Stage Management.

292

293

SEAN MUNDY

294

GBENGA

komolafe

295

Interviewed by Alexander Barnes Photography by Yong Loh

296

GBENGA

Interviewed by Alexander Barnes Photography by Yong Loh

komolafe

SWEATY SUMMER

Q How do you think Kanye is doing right now?

A Doing great. One of the only people that famous to show the evolution of human beings, and how you don’t have to be the same person your whole life. You can change your opinions. You can go up and down, because that’s how life is, and I feel like it’s important for people to see that so they can recognize that in themselves. I feel like a lot of people try, especially in America, to portray a sense of neutrality, like everything’s fine. Even if you’re fucking sad and walk home crying every day, to the outside world you’re just like, “I’m good”. And that’s not healthy for anyone, especially for yourself. You need to acknowledge what you’re feeling in order to work through it. I think it’s empowering to see other people’s struggle because then you can empathize with them and connect with them on a deeper level, and I appreciate that of Kanye to show that side of himself.

297

KOMOLAFE + BARNES + LOH

Q What music have you been listening to?

A Pharrell, Mall Grab, Landry Foux.

298

299

SWEATY SUMMER

300

Q Who are your biggest Idols?

A I mean… me, Kanye West, and Lady Gaga.

301

KOMOLAFE + BARNES + LOH

Q How did you get started in art?

A I was always drawing as a little kid because my dad was always drawing, so I would just make sketches and random doodles of people. I went to an international school for half my life where they heavily promoted the arts. As a five-year-old I was learning to actually draw, like, with technique. Just things that people don’t get at all in some places. I feel like that’s one way I was really privileged. I definitely would not be the same person if I didn’t have those things. I actually really liked my art teacher. We got really close and she would let me come to her class after school and work on prints and stuff. I actually found a bunch of them over winter break last year and I have a huge stack. I’ve been shipping them out with orders and they kind of match the themes, but only very loosely, because I was 10.

Then when I came to America, I realized that college was a big thing. I lived in Scotland before and it wasn’t as big a deal. I feel like here, in eighth grade, you’re thinking about college already, whereas there, not really so until you’re about to graduate. Then I stopped doing art and soccer and it was kind of sad, but I was good at school. I came to college and essentially didn’t know what I was doing. I feel like a lot of people come to USC thinking maybe they’ll be a business major but they really low-key want to be an actor or something but they’re just going to college to be in LA. In retrospect I was like, yeah, maybe I’ll get into the music industry and then maybe…

I wasn’t really driven enough to be like that’s what I want to do. I was like lost and confused, and fucking sad. I did some acid and that changed a lot for me. After that, I had a conversation with my roommate and he was talking about playing the guitar and the fulfillment he gets from practicing every day. For other people it’s skating or something else that seems really difficult but takes tremendous practice to get good at, and I realized I didn’t have anything like that, and it was weird. I didn’t feel bad, but I realized that I was missing something. So I started making music again, and I was getting that fulfillment from it. It’s an internal feeling of just making something and even if no one hears it or says anything about it, I just feel good because I know that I’m getting better at something that I enjoy.

This was around the same time I kept thinking that I wanted to be a kid. I hated thinking about being an adult and I guess that was sort of an escape. Painting and making music and just not caring about grades for a day were like an escape back to just fucking around and getting that fulfillment from just doing random shit. And that just kept going and spiraled into this mess that I’m in right now (referring to his clothing line).

302

303

SWEATY SUMMER

304

Q How did you get into making clothes?

A My mom used to make me and my three brothers wear the same clothes all the time. It was fucking terrible. It got to a point where I was like “I can’t do this anymore”. I needed some sort of independence and freedom of expression. I just really valued expression and I’ve always been a really upfront. Another thing. I went to schools that had uniforms my whole life until high school when I came here. I came here and I didn’t have a lot of clothes because it was like a uniform for the whole week. So when I came here, it was like fuck... I need to pick an outfit every day.

Every day, you’ve got to choose what you want to look like. At first it was scary and I hated it, but it was also freeing because one day I can look like a motorcycle gang member and the next day I can look like a fucking clown. Whatever I feel or want to feel that day, I can portray to the world.

So then, making clothes last summer. A lot of my arches come from being depressed and sad and not knowing what I’m doing. Last summer I was alone in LA all the time, lost, and it came with that mindset of not having any skills, not challenging myself, not learning anything. I was making music, but I also I have this thing where I just need to do something new, so now I’m tired of making clothes and I want to start DJing. I just need a new thing to cover my life with and then at some point it’ll be too much and I’ll just die or something. But yeah, I was like I want to learn how to make clothes because I was interested in fashion and followed designers; why wouldn’t I want to learn more about that? It doesn’t have to be anything, just me learning how to screen print… I just kept practicing and one day I was like, “I want to sell shit because I’m poor”, and it eventually turned into bigger things.

305

KOMOLAFE + BARNES + LOH

Q Briefly explain KIDSCLOTHES. A KIDSCLOTHES is a brand for anyone who wants to feel like a kid, who wants to not give a fuck and be curious and independent. Those qualities are sometimes really hidden in clothes, especially with fast fashion and trends and stuff. I feel like a lot of people get clothes to fit in with hype and trends and stuff. Yes, the designs are cool, but the culture around it is sad because you’re not getting that piece because you love it or because it says something that resonates with you, you’re getting it because everyone else is getting it and they said it was cool for some reason. It loses the sense of individuality and celebration that should come with fashion. In 1800, that was the point, to make you stand out, as opposed to now, when the point is to be one of the 500 coolest people on the planet. I don’t think it should be like that. It should be an expression of yourself, not of some elitist group.

The goal… I guess just to promote independence and curiosity, and questioning everything. When I started, I was kind of just fucking around with clothes, but then through art and self-reflection, I realized that the thing that I am really passionate about is asking questions. I’m convinced that no one knows anything for sure. You’ll never know how the world began. You’ll never know what happens after you die. Kids are so curious and they don’t act as if they know everything. That’s what I want to promote, free thought. Whatever I do, if it’s still KIDSCLOTHES in 30 years or not, that’s what I want to be doing: asking the big questions to solve big problems.

The name also comes from the Bible, by the way.

306

307

SWEATY SUMMER

308

Q The Bible?

A A Bible verse… I think you can you can find it in Leviticus or something. I don’t know.

Oh, no, no, it’s in the New Testament. It’s “come to God with the mind of a child and that’s how you get into heaven.” {Mark 10:15, “Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”} And essentially, it’s telling you to be so loyal to everything that the Bible says that you don’t question. When a kid asks the question to their parents what they accept it as truth because actually scientifically, for the first seven years of your life, you’re in a different brain wave state than consciousness. So, you’re essentially hallucinating because you don’t know what real is. Because real isn’t really a thing! We only have the ideas of things because we’ve learned them: How to act, how to talk, how to walk, what objects are. If within the first seven years of your life, you were taught to interact with this water bottle differently and it wasn’t a water bottle to you, then it’s not a water bottle to you. Those seven years is so crucial and that’s what the verse is getting at.

It’s obvious that kids are super vulnerable and open to whatever you say, but then also with that comes their independence and curiosity. That’s so beautiful. It’s their free nature that I really admire.

309

KOMOLAFE + BARNES + LOH

Q Describe the process of starting a fashion brand.

A I came up with the idea one random day last summer. And then, as with everything I do, I went on YouTube and I just researched. I forgot who the philosopher was, but he actually taught that you have to fake it till you make it. Essentially, to be an artist, you have to pretend to be an artist first until you actually are an artist, at which point, you’re an artist, you know what I mean? Even to be a lawyer you have to dress up, to pretend, to do the actions of a lawyer, because when you go into your first court case you don’t really know what you’re doing. You’re just copying what you see other lawyers do. I really embrace that. You just manifest and do the things that you’ve watched other people do. So I started with screen printing, and I knew that it could be easier to design a t-shirt and sell it for 15 bucks because that’s what everyone does. So yeah, I just started screen printing by myself. Honestly, it still doesn’t feel real. I’m just fucking around. The more people you tell, the more of a thing it is. It’s just crazy to see a concept in other people’s minds who may not even know me. So essentially just tell everyone you that you have a clothing brand and you have a clothing brand. When there are a thousand people saying I’m a designer, the fuck are you gonna say? That’s my ideology.

310

311

SWEATY SUMMER

312

Q What issues do you see in fashion today? What could be done better?

A Sustainability. It’s number one. Fast fashion is terrible: you throw away so much shit, the clothes are such low quality. The obsession is with hype and money and big brands as opposed to obsession with the art of it. I know people who really love Supreme and that’s cool if you really do love it. You appreciate their designs, you know their story and you care about it. You can articulate why you like that design. I know people who have Supreme shirts and buy so much Supreme, I’ll ask, “why’d you get that, what do you like about it?” And they’ll say, “I don’t know, it’s cool.” And that makes me sad because you don’t care enough. You’re only doing it because you saw it on 1500 people and thought, “I want to fit into that image,” as opposed to knowing yourself and creating an image for yourself, knowing why that specific piece represents you.

I think individuality is lacking right now. People care too much. Just fuck around, you know? Just look crazy for a day. Or don’t. If it’s you it feels good. I hate when people tell me that they love my outfit but could never wear it. You could literally just put it on. That’s socialization because we’re taught to do that, to need to look “normal”. A kid will wear whatever and be like, “I love these shoes.”

That’s the beauty of it. They wear things they love. When you’re a kid, you put on a crazy-looking outfit and your mom’s like, “What the fuck is that?” It looks crazy. “Why do you want that?” Because I fucking love these shoes. These are my favorite shoes in the world.

I love the design on these pants and I love this shirt. It’s true love for what you’re wearing, as opposed to, “I’m wearing this look to be normal, or out of my willingness to conform.” That’s sad for me.

313

KOMOLAFE + BARNES + LOH

Alexander Barnes is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Journalism.

Yong Loh is a student at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in CInema and Media Studies.

Models Jephtha Prempeh Haley Williams Omar Yousif Shana Brindze Tyler Mazaheri Davina Nguyen Tee Park Aureeyahn Edmundson

314

315

SWEATY SUMMER

316

KRIS

317

JORDAN LIPES

MICALLEF

318

319 00

KRISMICALLEF KRIS MICALLEF

320 00

321

JORDAN LIPES

322

323

KRIS MICALLEF

00

JORDAN LIPES

Model Jordan Lipes Make-Up Justin Brincat

Kris Micallef is a Malta based photographer who excels in fine art and commercial photography, but has a particular penchant for the world of fashion. His works have been published in various magazines across Europe, the Middle East, and the United States.

326

YANNIS DAVY GUIBINGA

Every human life is marked by different events that has a permanent impact on the way we see and think about the world. Among many of these universal human experiences, losing a loved one remains one of the most painful and uncomfortable one to live through.

"The Grief" is a body of work illustrating in an abstract way the emotional journey on which a woman is taken after a loss. By going through 7 consecutive stages, grief takes the protagonist through a journey that is simultaneously unpleasant, tumultuous and sometimes frustrating.

By using the color black as a way to illustrate the evolution of the grief on the protagonist's body, the photographer tries to interpret this Universal experience in a unique way, striving for a more complex and nuance representation of grief.

328

SHOCK

Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.

329

YANNIS DAVY GUIBINGA

330

DENIAL

Trying to avoid the inevitable.

331

THE GRIEF

332

ANGER

Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.

333

YANNIS DAVY GUIBINGA

334

BARGAINING

Seeking in vain for a way out.

335

THE GRIEF

336

DEPRESSION

Final realization of the inevitable.

337

YANNIS DAVY GUIBINGA

338

TESTING

Reconnecting with the Self.

339

THE GRIEF

340

ACCEPTANCE

Finally finding a way forward.

341

YANNIS DAVY GUIBINGA

342

343

THE GRIEF

Models Tania Fines Atlas Hapy Obakeng Ndebele Martine Nina Monica Blain Morina Blain Designers Janie McLaughlin Monica Blain Morina Blain

Yannis Davy Guibinga is a photographer based in MontrĂŠal, Canada and originally from Libreville, Gabon, whose work seeks to explore the diversity of cultures and identities on the African continent and its diaspora.

EDDIE

345

JANET JACKSON

MANDELL

346

347

EDDIE MANDELL

348

349

JANET JACKSON

Gaffer Lej Talens Key Grip Chris Purdy Production Design Jacob Fishman Director of Photography Johnathan Chou Creative Direction Gil Duldulao Dean Anthony Lee Direction and Production Eddie Mandell Cade Laranang

350

351

EDDIE MANDELL

Swing Hao Yu Camera PA Justin Choe Assistant Producer Nick Scully Assistant Camera Tevin Teixeira Production Assistants Ben Hunt Wan Shiran Chai Sean Lewow

352

353

JANET JACKSON

354

355

EDDIE MANDELL

356

Eddie Mandell is a junior at the University of Southern California currently pursuing a degree in Media Arts and Practice. At such a young age, Eddie has taken the photography world by storm, working with artists such as Janet Jackson, Gallant, and Banks and his work being featured in publications such as British Vogue.

357

JANET JACKSON

358

359

SEAN MUNDY

360

BEACH BOYS

SARA

361

LUSITANO

362

“Beach Boys is a visual exploration of humans escaping into nature. Here, I am interested in the contrast and interaction between bodies, faces, colors, movement, reflections and natural elements.”

– Sara Lusitano

363

SARA LUSITANO

364

365

BEACH BOYS

366

357

SARA LUSITANO

368

369

BEACH BOYS

370

371

SARA LUSITANO

372

373

BEACH BOYS

374

375

SARA LUSITANO

376

377

BEACH BOYS

378

379

SARA LUSITANO

380

381

BEACH BOYS

Sara Lusitano is a photographer based in Lisbon, Portugal, whose work focuses mostly on portraiture.

Models Angelino Correia Lukanu Mpasy

382

Members of the USC Glorya Kaufman School of Dance’s Inaugural Graduating Class of 2019 Dancers Olivia Euritt Ardyn Flynt Madison Vomastek Coco Alvarez-Mena Sophia Oddi Helen Gratch Alyssa Allen

383

LEE GUMBS

THE WOMEN OF KAUFMAN

384

HAUTE MAGAZINE Based at the University of Southern California Los Angeles, CA Follow us on Instagram at @hauteusc Visit us at www.hauteusc.com