March 30, 2016

E H T March 30, 2016

SQUAWK

The Student Newspaper of Saint Joseph’s University | Volume XCV | Est. 1929 | www.hawkhillnews.com

The benign boredom of MRT Exploring the studious culture of Manayunk’s Mad River JIMMY WYATT ’17 Special to The Hawk

It’s 11:15 p.m. on a Thursday night. The streets of Manayunk are essentially barren, without a person in sight. The entrance to Mad River is abnormally quiet, the bouncer standing idly, waiting for bar-goers to arrive. The manager mimics a carnival barker, trying to coax those passing by to come in.

The floors of Mad River have never seen less action—specifically, the dancefloor.

“Mad River Thursdays,” as the regular customers have successfully dubbed them, do not involve an actual “river” at all.

Rather, it is a traditional bar, with standard flashing lights, blaring music, and an open dancefloor, ideal for an exciting night out with your friends. Drink specials line the back wall. Many windows, covered with blinds along the building’s stone façade, face the rest of Manayunk, refusing bystanders a glimpse inside.

Unbeknownst to the outside world, however, many MRT regulars want nothing to do with the partying lifestyle that should exist inside these four walls. Their world is elsewhere—quiet, relaxed, and concerned about their grades at the nearby Saint Joseph’s University.

This is the major dilemma of the modern college bar: drawing the line between academic pursuits and a common space for social life. Evidence of the bar being used as a study space can be found on the left—behind notebooks in the ceiling of bathrooms and the numerous Jansport backpacks left on Mad River’s ground floor.

While some students do, in fact, utilize the bar for its standard and expected use (getting hammered), more often than not, the bar is a general meeting point for students who are trying to do some last minute studying the night before a test.

“I need to study while I socialize,” said Anna Johns, ’18, a member of the nerd community. “If I’m only here to socialize, without a textbook in my hand, I’ll go crazy. And obviously, the dancefloor is the best place to study at Mad River, so I sit there.”

The seating at the bar has the traditional components one would expect—newly

installed desks, study cubbies, and complimentary pencil cases on the Mad River dancefloor.

George Schall, the manager of Mad River, has a hard time comprehending that a bar in this party town has become a hub for extra studying.

“When the dancefloor opened so long ago, it was party after party,” Jackow said.

“The dancefloor became the hub of just that—dancing. What was once an old, traditional bar transformed into a modern bar, where the patrons could easily bust a move.”

Schall’s office is hidden down the hallway from the dancefloor, and he is well aware of the new behavior that is starting to take place out there.

“I have a love/hate relationship with the dancefloor,” Schall said. “On one hand, I’m thrilled that people come in at all, whether it’s to drink or study. But on the other, this is still a bar, and the amount of studying that goes on here completely contradicts the idea of a bar at all.”

A multitude of different people can be seen on the dancefloor on any given day; however, on MRT, the group that dominates the space has specific characteristics that separate them from the rest of the typical patrons.

The typical bar-goer who hangs out at “The Riv” at 11 p.m. on a Thursday night can be categorized as one of the following: nerd, tutor (a student who helps other students do better in school), Book Worm (a student who lives in the library, does math for fun, and memorizes dictionaries), and The Dweeb (a young man who is the friend of the Book Worm, lacks the iconic dorky features, but still participates in the math and memorizing).

These are the categories in which the bar-goers refer to themselves or each other.

In fact, the iPhone group message of the Book Worms is called “BWWRTWOD” for “Book Worms Will Run The World One Day.” Book Worms are characteristically “buried neck deep in a good book,” an

attribute that has hardly dominated any group of people since the ’70s when the term became popularized.

What attracts these students to the dancefloor has nothing to do with drinking, partying, or blowing off steam after a long week. Coming to The Riv is a “pleaseleave-me-alone” event, which is why when a poor group of Manayunk locals mistakenly took the nerds’ study cubby on the dancefloor, everyone turned and stared. The glares from across the room made locals squirm with discomfort, as did the barely audible, “Should we ask them to move?” whisper from one of the Book Worms. To everyone’s surprise, the locals remained at their post, holding their heads high, all while shaking their bodies to the bassline in the background.

“There’s a reason why everyone in here knows each other,” said Michael Hooper, ’17, a member of the nerd community.

“For example, my friends do homework here, and their friends do, too, who are also my friends, so it’s my group. Who just so happen to be friends with everyone else, as well.”

On this particular day, most of the buzz on the dancefloor is about a business policy class, the capstone course for some St. Joe’s seniors. Some can’t contain their excitement as they count the seconds until their next group meeting.

The major of choice, marketing, has become the standard major for most St. Joe’s business students, as well as the College of Arts and Sciences students who want to add a killer minor. If these students aren’t studying out on the dancefloor at MRT, they’re doing some last minute cramming on the old side of the library.

“You know what I think we should do?”

“Ugh, I’m trying to do some shots.

What?”

“Ok, well, you know, like, how last Thursday, we had pulled that all-nighter in Mad River prepping for our presentation the next day?”

“Like, I think we should start doing that more often, like, take turns at each other’s favorite bars, ’cause, like, none of us really live near the library.”

“But I live close to campus!”

“Yeah, but, like, in the winter we’re gonna Uber anyway.”

“Ugh, yeah, I had so much fun on Thursday. I learned so much about marketing strategies.”

“Oh, my god, same. It was awesome.”

Some of the Book Worms can’t wait until the weekend to begin studying, as shown by two men who emerge from the bathroom cleaning their pocket protectors.

Schall often toys with the idea of policing this area, perhaps by making managerial rounds more frequent or posting more “Turn Up, Please” signs along the walls. But the dilemma that he faces is whether or not dancefloor needs admonishing at all, or if it should be preserved as the study room that it is.

“The dancefloor provides a level of comfort for the less serious partiers,” Schall said. “I don’t think stripping this area of its qualities is the best idea. We have no complaints from partiers, but where does that leave me and the bartenders?”

The concept of MRT is an infamous secret that all St. Joe’s students are made well aware of as they eavesdrop on any given conversation on a Thursday night.

The kids who hang out seem to be a part of some underground society, bound by small degrees of biology tutoring and dictionary memorizing.

Thursday night comes to a close, and the MRT kids exit the bar to return home and get a good night’s sleep in order to be properly rested for class the next day. Their tables, vacant and littered with index cards and pencil shavings, will remain empty until the next Mad River Thursday rolls around. Like a dark house with a single light kept on, the Mad River dancefloor will patiently wait for the studying to continue.

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S2 | Squawk

HBEIC Molly Grab ’17 LIPSTICKING IT TO THE MAN Angela Christaldi ’17 I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HER! Ashley Cappetta ’17 BIG SPENDER Julia Le ’19 #GOALS Jenny Spinner ASSISTANT UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT Ana Faguy ’19 NKOTH (NEW KID ON THE HAWK) Samantha Henry, ’19 PUN PRINCESS Lindsay Hueston ’16 OPTIMUS BEYONCÉ Maria Spirk ’17 ACTUAL THESAURUS Victoria Tralies ’18 LOVER OF LIFE(STYLE) Katie White ’17 QUEEN OF POPS Ciarra Bianculli ’17 SPORTSBALL CORRESPONDENT Christy Selagy, M.A., ’17 ADOB(A)E Krista Jaworski ‘17 MR. SNAPMATIC Joey Toczylowski ’19 RT/FAV IF U LUV HER Jess Cavallaro ’16 The Hawk welcomes letters to the editor (400-600 words). They can be emailed to hawk.editorial@gmail.com.

March 30, 2016

The Squawk

Letters to the Editor A response to ‘The benign boredom of MRT’ To the Editor, In the March 30 issue of The Squawk, Jimmy Wyatt wrote “The benign boredom of MRT,” in which he discussed what he sees as an increase in studious behavior in Manayunk’s popular bar, Mad River.

As nerds who frequent MRT, we have never personally seen anyone—members of Roman Organizations, Dry Men, Khakishorts, or otherwise—ingest any powder other than Pixie Stix to give them a bit of a sugar rush when studying. Nor have we ourselves concealed any academic paraphernalia underneath floorboards in an attempt to hide our studies. Therefore, we conclude that such activity as reported by Wyatt is horribly offensive to nerds at St. Joe’s. In fact, while Intro to Journalism is not among the many classes we’ve taken, we’re pretty sure it’s practically a journalistic crime.

In fact, if we happened to be prospective students touring Saint Joseph’s University for the first time and saw Wyatt’s piece, we would have been absolutely appalled at the student body’s excessive attitude towards studying—especially in a setting like Mad River.

The very idea that studying goes on in off-campus bars is disheartening, especially at an institution that pushes its students to achieve more and live the Magis. Even if such studying does occur at MRT, it should obviously be kept quiet for the sake of our university’s reputation.

Welcome to

THE SQUAWK This week, The Hawk is celebrating April Fool’s Day a little early. The opening and closing pages of this issue feature articles that are are purely satirical. You’ll know you’re reading satire when the top of the page reads “The Squawk” instead of “The Hawk.” But don’t worry—you can find regular content beginning on the next page and running through page eight. April Fools!

- The Hawk Staff

As self-proclaimed nerds, we are in the library frequently, and have only been to Mad River a select few times—on our 21st birthdays and one MRT, where we were served particularly weak gin and tonics (as have many a Dry Man). The nerds do not exclusively “own” study tables at Mad River (we only have them in the library), and we’ve never seen our fellow nerds studying there.

If we did, we’d be mad that we didn’t receive free pocket protectors! We’ll take a high GPA over a high BAC any day.

Clearly, if we never saw a studying problem at Mad River and neither have any of our friends, it doesn’t exist. If we— the nerds—haven’t seen it, there’s no way it could have happened. To say that studying happens in Mad River, of all places, when we ourselves have never seen it, cannot be true journalism.

Also, how do we know that Jimmy Wyatt is an unbiased source? The Hawk shouldn’t have published a story by someone who has clearly been involved in MRTs before and knows people there. One of our friend’s ex-girlfriend’s sisters has definitely seen him at Mad River before—so to claim that studying happens at Mad River and not at our beloved library is a bit outrageous.

Wyatt’s article, though highlighting an important aspect of nerds’ social lives, does not illustrate the full student academic experience, and distorts what it truly means to be an academically-focused individual

on this campus. The few times we’ve been to Mad River, we were coherent and respectful enough to know not to disturb our fellow nerds in their respective cubbies, should they choose to study there. We were extraordinarily disappointed with Wyatt for not mentioning the many real partiers who frequent Mad River, and even more so with Wyatt for portraying nerds in what we, as nerds, think is a negative light.

MRT is the hangout of the everyman.

Though nerds undoubtedly occupy a good percentage of the bar, we acknowledge that perhaps our once-esteemed kingdom has a draw to those who sometimes place their noses outside of books.

We encourage all members of our campus community to remember that more occurs in Mad River than merely studying and reviewing.

We’re writing papers, too.

-Lindsay Hueston ’16 -Maria Spirk ’17 Nerds at Large

‘I’ve been jobbed’: The injustice of #TopProfSJU To the Editor, I’ve been jobbed. Seriously.

Today I was reading the special issue of The Hawk on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament—when I unexpected learned that I’d been grossly mis-seeded in the #TopProfSju tournament bracket. #51? Really?

I mean, who is going to remember who the #51 seed was when Alleruzzo cuts down the nets? Nobody will remember at all. See what I mean?

And putting me against a departmental colleague— and a 14 seed no less!—in the first round is patently unfair. We shouldn’t be competing with someone from our own tribe—at least until the round of 16 when the stakes really matter. If I pull off a first-round upset, I should have to go up against the guy in the office next door to mine (Dufresne, #19) or even a department chair (Sillup, #46). Grouping us together is just cruel. Our families back home watch this too, you know.

At least you don’t have play-in games. No one likes knowing they were the last ones in. Keep it that way; don’t cheapen the madness by grabbing all the dollars you can carry.

Back to my beef(s): I think the tournament selection committee has not only done me a disservice, but its se-

lections and pairings reveal some other biases that I think anyone who’s been around the game for a while will recognize.

For instance, some faculty in this year’s tournament are on sabbatical. ON sabbatical! That’s like, not even going to class! Clearly, they should be ineligible for the post-season, probably for two consecutive years, at a minimum. Look, just because Syracuse can make the NCAAs with a 19-13 record doesn’t mean that some professor who has been off campus for a whole year researching “whatever” should get an automatic ticket to the Big Dance. It looks to me like a number of profs had someone on the inside getting them a higher seed or a more advantageous first round pairing. I’m just sayin’.

I also sense a bias toward faculty whose terminal degrees are from institutions in the major conferences.

Look, I can’t help it if my graduate school (Illinois-Chicago, MBA ’89, Ph.D. ’97 Go Flames!) plays in the Division I Horizon League and dropped its ice hockey program in 1996. I’m also not to blame if my undergraduate school (Illinois-Springfield, BA ’87 Go Prairie Stars!) plays in the Division II Great Lakes Valley Conference. I have no control over the strength of our conferences, and I could only take the courses that were on my schedule each semester. I certainly shouldn’t be penalized because the GLVC is hav-

ing a down year in Curling this season. And I’m not going to get into talking smack about other faculty who went to D-II or even D-III schools. It’s not their fault either.

Finally, I am concerned that some of the profs who are advancing to later rounds are being unsportsmanlike and padding the score when it becomes obvious that they are going to prevail. I think perhaps the selection committee is emphasizing margin-of-victory instead of quality of opponents. I’m not naming any names, but we can all read the box scores. Really, we can.

I am certain that the selection committee worked really hard, and even used advanced sabermetrics to seed this year’s #TopProfSju field. But I don’t think that Easiness, Clarity, and Helpfulness should be the only metrics you consider when drawing up the big bracket.

Those of us with lots and lots of chili peppers are people too.

I hope you’ll consider all of this when drawing up the next tournament bracket.

- Ken Weidner, Ph.D. Assistant Professor of Management Check out the #TopProfSJU Sweet Sixteen on page 3, and vote online by tweeting @SJUHawkNews with #TopProfSJU

THE HAWK THE HAWK March 30, 2016

p. 4-5 Photo courtsy of Creative Commons

The Student Newspaper of Saint Joseph’s University | Volume XCV | Est. 1929 | www.hawkhillnews.com

St. Joe’s hires from within

Jeanne F. Brady, Ph.D., announced as permanent provost KATRYNA PERERA ’16 Editor Emeritus Jeanne Brady, Ph.D., was appointed Saint Joseph’s University’s new provost and vice president of Academic Affairs last week. University President Mark C. Reed, Ed.D., made the announcement on March 22 following an extensive search process.

After spending the past few semesters with interim provosts, St. Joe’s, through a lengthy search process, was looking for a permanent chief academic officer.

Before the new provost announcement was made, Reed said that he was looking for, “A strategic thinker with ability to develop and articulate a compelling vision.

An entrepreneurial spirit and commitment.

Team player who will clearly lead but also work collaboratively and effectively with others. Financial acumen and ability to manage the complex array of divisions, schools, and departments reporting to the Provost. Clear commitment to advancing diversity and mission at SJU. Someone I can work with closely, complement each other and together further our thinking” in a new provost.

Brady, the current interim provost, will continue her role and become St. Joe’s official senior academic officer for a term of

three years, according to an email sent out to all university members by the Office of President.

A provost is the chief academic officer at a university who is responsible for overseeing academic programs and support.

The officer is a senior member of the president’s cabinet and work closely with the president to make institutional decisions.

The provost search committee, headed

by Fran DiSanti, chief information officer, had identified three external candidates at the end of their search process. But according to DiSanti, a final candidate was not chosen or offered the position due to various attributes that did not meet Saint Joseph’s requirements.

Personally, Reed said he wanted a partner with whom he could think ahead and work closely with.

In terms of appointing Brady, “It became very clear to me that the right person for the position is already an active and influential member of our community…

Dr. Brady is a proven leader with a strong academic and administrative background,” Reed said in his email. “Her intimate knowledge of and passion for Saint Joseph’s

uniquely position her to advance the University’s short-and-long-term academic initiatives.”

Brady arrived at St. Joe’s in 1999 as an assistant professor of education. She holds a doctorate in educational leadership. Since arriving at Saint Joseph’s, she has served in various positions, including chair of the department of education and dean of the College of Arts and Sciences.

Photo by Joey Toczylowski, ’19

In a past interview, when Brady was still the interim provost, she was asked what she believes the role of provost meant.

Brady explained that she feels it means to be someone who can bridge the gap between the academic, administrative, and financial sides of a university.

According to Brady, a provost “encourages faculty and students to be the very best they can.”

Safety first

Arthur Grover to be new Director of Office of Public Safety and Security ANA FAGUY ’19 News Editor

Arthur Grover was named the new Director of Public Safety and Security, beginning April 18. The Office of Public Safety and Security was notified of the new hire via e-mail on March 24.

Grover comes to Saint Joseph’s University after spending almost 12 years at LaSalle University and 24 years with the Philadelphia Police Department. He will take over for Interim Director Michael Boykin.

“He knows Philadelphia and the city and he has been working at LaSalle, which is in some ways is a similar institution being kinda Philly, urbanish,” said Cary Anderson, Ph.D., vice president of Student Life and associate provost.

LaSalle is one of the Big Five Philadelphia colleges and universities, which also includes St. Joe’s, the University of Pennsylvania, Villanova University, and Temple

Photo by Joey Toczylowski, ’19

University. These schools often use one another for points of reference. By hiring Grover, the St. Joe’s administration sought to fill a leadership role with an qualified member of the surrounding community. Grover’s record as an officer in the Philadelphia Police Department and role at LaSalle University made him a competitive candidate in the national university search to find a new director.

There were over 100 applications and a committee narrowed the group down to four final candidates, according to Anderson.

“We really wanted someone who had past experience as a director because you can get people that have other law enforcement experience, and we don’t want to discount that, but campus public safety is its own entity,” Anderson continued.

Each of the four candidates spent a day at St. Joe’s touring the university and participating in interviews and discussions.

Anderson added that after the search committee produced a list of finalists, he made the final call as to which candidate was selected .

Grover will use the rest of the semester to learn about and adapt to the new environment at St. Joe’s.

He has no set plans or initiatives ready to put in place yet, but regardless will put his focus on safety.

“I’m going to go in, evaluate the operation, try to harness all the resources for the best fashion of the students, faculty, and staff at Saint Joseph’s and try to make that place for the collective team the very safest place it can be, which is what I did it at La Salle,” Grover said.

He added that the primary goal of Public Safety is to provide the very best service possible.

“I think that students who matriculate at Saint Joseph’s or La Salle, they deserve to be able to conduct their business and get their education free from significant worries about safety and about hazards,” Grover said.

“Those things tend to be distractions and can get in the way of students succeeding.”

Putting a director in place provides the basis for expanding the public safety program and reworking the organization.

“We want to make sure we are operating in the most efficiently and in the ways that are best serving our students, faculty, and staff,” Anderson said. “Then we have some openings for the assistant manager and supervisor, so then we’ll start those hiring process as well.”

2 | News

March 30, 2016

The Hawk

Department of Public Safety reports (March 18 - March 24) March 18 No incidents to report.

March 19 Public Safety confiscated a quantity of beer from two St. Joe’s students inside the lobby of Villiger Hall. Community Standards was notified.

Public Safety confiscated a quantity of alcohol from two St. Joe’s students inside the lobby of LaFarge Residence Center. The Office of Residence Life and Community Standards were notified.

ALCOHOL RELATED INCIDENTS

9

On campus

1

Off campus

Public Safety confiscated a quantity of alcohol from a St. Joe’s student inside the lobby of LaFarge Residence Center. Community Standards was notified.

Public Safety was notified regarding two St. Joe’s students acting disorderly in the lobby of the Lancaster Court Hasting Apartments. Public Safety Officers responded and resolved the incident. Community Standards was notified.

Public Safety was notified of person(s) unknown discharging a fire extinguisher in the first floor hallway of the McShain Residence Center. Facilities Management and Community Standards were notified.

March 20

DRUG RELATED INCIDENTS

1

On campus

0

Off campus

No incidents to report.

March 21 Public Safety was notified regarding juveniles gaining access to Bellarmine Hall and damaging the vending machine. Facilities Management was notified.

March 22 - 24 No incidents to report.

Call Public Safety:

610-660-1111

March 30, 2016 Virginia Johnson, Education

Brian Forster, Natural Sciences

Lifestyle | 3

The Hawk

Lisa Nelson, Management

#ToPProfSJU

Claire Simmers, Management

Usha Rao, Chemistry

George Latella, Food Marketing

Paul Klingsberg, Math

John Yi, DSS

Patrick Garrigan, Psychology

John Lord, Marketing

Maria Marsilio, Modern and Classical Languages

C. Ken Weidner, Management

James Hebbeler, Philosophy

Peter Norberg, English

The madness is winding down—keep voting for your favorite professors! Based on your responses from last week, we’ve narrowed it down to the top 16 professors.

Tweet at @SJUhawknews with your picks using #TopProfSJU, and be sure to look for the next round in the upcoming issue of The Hawk.

Dave Allan, Marketing

Jeffrey Gossner, Management

Ranking Batman and Superman films Preparing for the epic faceoff with a trip back in time ROSE WELDON ’19 Hawk Staff

In the heavily hyped “Batman vs. Superman” movie released last week, the vigilante from Gotham City faced off against the alien from Krypton. To recognize the first cinematic crossover in DC Comics’ history, here’s a look at the heroes’ past box office adventures, ranked in ascending quality.

Batman Film Countdown 8. Batman & Robin (1997) Starring: George Clooney as Batman, Chris O’Donnell as Robin, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze, and Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. Fun Fact: The readers of Total Film Magazine deemed “Batman & Robin” the worst film ever made.

7. Batman Forever (1995) Starring: Val Kilmer as Batman, Chris O’Donnell as Robin, Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face, and Jim Carrey as the Riddler.

Fun Fact: Seal’s modern-day classic “Kiss From a Rose” was originally written for the film’s soundtrack.

6. Batman (1966) Starring: Adam West as Batman, Burt Ward as Robin, and too many villains to name.

Fun Fact: This film originated the line “Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb!”

5. Batman Returns (1992) Starring: Michael Keaton as Batman, Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, and Danny DeVito as the Penguin.

Fun Fact: After the film premiered, a “Catwoman” standalone film was in development until 2004, when Halle Berry portrayed the title character. The film was not worth the wait.

4. The Dark Knight Rises (2012) Starring: Christian Bale as Batman and Tom Hardy as Bane.

Fun Fact: Though Anne Hathaway is credited as “Catwoman,” the antihero’s name is never mentioned.

3. Batman Begins (2005) Starring: Christian Bale as Batman and Liam Neeson as Ra’s al Ghul.

Fun Fact: Henry Cavill, the current Superman, auditioned to play Batman.

2. Batman (1989) Starring Michael Keaton as Batman and Jack Nicholson as the Joker.

Fun Fact: In his contract, Jack Nicholson was promised profits from every Batman film to be made over the next ten years, not just in the one he appeared.

1. The Dark Knight (2008) Starring: Christian Bale as Batman, Heath Ledger as the Joker, and Aaron Eckhart as TwoFace.

Fun Fact: “The Dark Night” was the first comic book-based film to win one of the major Academy Awards; Heath Ledger posthumously won the award for Best Supporting Actor.

Photo Courtesy of Creative Commons

Superman Film Countdown 6. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987) Starring: Christopher Reeve as Superman and Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor.

Fun Fact: “Superman IV” was produced by B-movie makers Golan and Globus, who also made “Masters of the Universe” and “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.”

5. Superman Returns (2006) Starring: Brandon Routh as Superman and Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor.

Fun Fact: Routh was cast because of his uncanny resemblance to Christopher Reeve, who had recently passed away.

4. Superman III (1983) Starring: Christopher Reeve as Superman and Richard Pryor as Gus Gorman.

Fun Fact: Richard Pryor was cast as a result of telling talk show host, Johnny Carson, that he wanted to be in a Superman movie. The producers were unaware that he was joking.

3. Man of Steel (1983) Starring: Henry Cavill as Superman and Michael Shannon as General Zod. Fun Fact: “Man of Steel” grossed over $600 million worldwide, but is still considered a commercial disappointment.

2. Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut (1981) Starring: Christopher Reeve as Superman, Terence Stamp as General Zod, and Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor.

Fun Fact: Director Richard Donner was fired halfway through filming and was replaced with Richard Lester. However, Donner was allowed to edit his own version for a DVD release.

1. Superman (1978) Starring Christopher Reeve as Superman and Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor.

Fun Fact: Jon Voight, Robert Redford, Warren Beatty, and dozens more big-name actors were considered for the role of Superman before the unknown Reeve was cast.

4 | Spring Concert

March 30, 2016

The Hawk

Spring Concert

KATIE WHITE ’17 Lifestyle Editor

Let the panic begin.

The SJU Spring Concert Committee revealed that Panic! At The Disco has been chosen to perform at Saint Joseph’s University Spring Concert, set for April 20.

The official reveal took place on Tuesday, March 29 during free period in Campion, where members of the Spring Concert Committee announced the much-anticipated news in a drum-punctuated display featuring t-shirts that spelled out the band’s name.

While the dramatic reveal, which was designed to be as attention-grabbing as possible, has been in the works all month, the selection process for the concert itself began much earlier.

From late November into early December, concert co-chairs were selected and tasked with compiling a list of potential acts that would be of interest to students.

Co-chairs Matt Conlin, ’17, and Kimmie Wodzanowski ,’17, began by consulting Concert Ideas, an organization that facilitates concert and event booking, for potential acts.

From there, the two began narrowing options, keeping in mind not only perceived student interest, but several other factors.

“The artist had to meet three criteria,” said Conlin. “They had to be within our budget, be willing to play during a selected time frame, and be an appropriate act that would coincide with our Jesuit Ideals.”

As for aligning with the university’s ideals, the co-chairs were advised to be careful about selecting artists that have lyrics and a public persona that generally lends itself toward a university-friendly environment.

“Obviously we do have certain restrictions,” said Beth Hagovsky, director of The Office of Student Leadership and Activities and head of the 2016 Spring Concert. “There are certain performers where they probably wouldn’t be able to perform very many songs.”

With these considerations in mind, the committee sent a preliminary list, which included acts like Panic!, Nelly, T-Pain, Steve Aoki, and Mac Miller, to Concert Ideas booking agent Adam Tobey, whom the university hired to act as a middleman between the concert committee and performers and their agents. “[Tobey] basically looks at our list… And says who makes sense, who we can afford, who we cannot afford,” Hagovsky said. “Then he’ll also throw us some other names in the mix because [he] knows things [we] don’t know and [he] knows who will be available and who won’t be.”

After the lists were narrowed to 12-15 options, and finalized with the input of Tobey and Concert Ideas, Student Life sent an email to the student body, asking them to vote for their favorite acts via survey.

In the first 48 hours after the email was distributed, the concert committee received over 2,000 responses from students.

According to Hagovsky, there was not an immediate frontrunner in the polls.

“This year, there were acts that had a slight advantage, but no one person that was on that survey was a runaway,” Hagovsky said. “Which is good because it means there was a general interest in a lot of the acts. It means that people are at least going to be flexible with their tastes.”

The decision, therefore, came down to who the committee believed would be the best fit for the university community.

“After discussing various aspects of each artist—content, production costs, possible openers or double headlining shows—we talked to our agent Adam and decided that Panic! would be the best choice all around for the concert this year,” Wodzanowski said. “[They had] student popularity, a new album [that] just came out, fit in well with their other school tours, and [were] something exciting and different for the Spring Concert compared to the past few years.”

In early December, the committee sent Panic! a formal bid, a single-page document including an offer for payment, six potential performance dates, and details about the concert’s location.

Within the week, Panic! accepted St. Joe’s bid and selected April 20 as their performance date.

According to Hagovsky, their quick response came down to luck in timing; The Spring Concert coincided well with the rest of the band’s tour schedule and the weekday date would allow them to visit other venues in the city during the weekend.

Despite the amount of planning that goes into the Spring Concert, Hagovsky said much of the process rests on suchc luck.

“In every generation of people in a university, you always get lucky once. It happens once every couple of years. We got lucky once with Macklemore too; the timing just worked beautifully and that usually doesn’t happen.”

“We’re in the Philadelphia market; people like that don’t need to play at St. Joe’s. So it’s unusual to get that lucky. But we’re excited. These guys [the committee] were excited. So that makes us excited,” Hagovsky said.

March 30, 2016

The Hawk

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6 | Opinions

March 30, 2016

The Hawk

Editorial Provost search provokes questions

EDITOR IN CHIEF Molly Grab ’17 MANAGING EDITOR Angela Christaldi ’17 COPY CHIEF Ashley Cappetta ’17 BUSINESS DIRECTOR Julia Le ’19 FACULTY ADVISER Jenny Spinner NEWS EDITOR Ana Faguy ’19 ASSISTANT NEWS EDITOR Sam Henry ’19 OPINIONS EDITOR Lindsay Hueston ’16 ASSISTANT OPINIONS EDITOR Maria Spirk ’17 ASSISTANT COPY Victoria Tralies ’18 LIFESTYLE EDITOR Katie White ’17 ASSISTANT LIFESTYLE EDITOR Ciarra Bianculli ’17 SPORTS EDITOR Christy Selagy ’16 PHOTO EDITOR Joey Toczylowski ’19 DIGITAL MEDIA MANAGER Jess Cavallaro ’18 The Hawk welcomes letters to the editor (400-600 words). They can be emailed to hawk.editorial@gmail.com.

A few weeks ago, we watched as Ben Higgins of ABC’s “The Bachelor” selected a fiancée after weeks of rose ceremonies, outrageous international trips, and expensive dates. Lauren B. and Ben are now happily engaged, and the public eagerly awaits the next installment of the show.

But what if Ben had reached the final rose ceremony and said, “No thanks, I’m going to go with my ex-girlfriend from home”?

Would fans and producers be outraged?

Probably. Why? Because it wouldn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t Ben just look around him first to find the answer, instead of going through such an elaborate, expensive process?

We’re posing the same question to Saint Joseph’s University: But, instead of a fiancée, we have a provost.

Our new provost is Jeanne Brady, Ph.D., the current interim provost. You may have missed this important email as you hit “Reply All” and watched hundreds of memes and Instagram follower pleas fly into your inbox.

The announcement comes after the university held an extensive, months-long external search for a new provost.

An external search company screened candidates across the country in an exhaustive hunt, which involved inviting candidates to Philadelphia for interviews, flying the final three candidates for an intensive

all-day interview program, and having students, faculty, and administrators take time out of their schedules in order to conduct the interviews.

This process was expensive, wasteful, and ultimately futile. In the end, an internal hire was made.

The fruitless provost search is especially disappointing in light of the university’s recent financial crisis, which directly led to resignations in the administration, an increase in admission rates, and cuts to certain program budgets to resuscitate our funds. We cannot even definitively say that this budget crisis is over, based on the recent round of layoffs and the tuition hike for next year.

In light of these recent financial issues, the fact that St. Joe’s underwent an incredibly expensive process just to ignore its results and appoint the administrator already in place — is inexcusable.

The provost is arguably one of the most important positions at the university. This person’s decisions directly affect students and professors in their academic endeavors, and ultimately, academics are why we attend this university in the first place. It’s only natural that St. Joe’s would be inclined to spend a considerable amount of money in order to find the perfect person for the position.

However, for the sake of being finan-

cially responsible, it seems to make more sense to exhaust internal or local options first, rather than quickly pulling the trigger and casting a large and pricey net across the country.

To us, this process appears wasteful.

While we certainly do not have access to every detail of the complex search , the facts presented to the university community do not inspire confidence in the process.

The ultimately pointless search may have served some sort of purpose, but the university simply did not share their reasoning with the St. Joe’s community.

To begin to work towards a solution, we need better clarity in communication from the administration. The external provost search appears wasteful to us as students, and perhaps if we were given a more complete explanation as to why the search failed, we would be more understanding of the decision.

On “The Bachelor,” Ben had a clear goal.

He invested his time, and the bachelorettes’ time, as he got to know each contestant on his quest for love and marriage. St. Joe’s search for a new provost had higher stakes, and while we’re confident that Brady will succeed in her new role, we’re a bit miffed that no external search candidates were offered a final rose.

-The Hawk Staff

Letter to the Editor Academic Honesty Board responds to “Academic dishonesty” article To the Editor: The Academic Honesty Board (AHB) would like to respond to the comments made by an anonymous, disgruntled former faculty member about her experience before the Board. These comments were reported in a recent Hawk article, “Academic dishonesty.”

A hearing before the AHB is a serious matter, and there is nothing ``farcical’’ about the protocol. When a student appeals an Academic Honesty Violation Report, the AHB conducts a hearing. Both the faculty member and the student are present throughout the entire proceeding; each hears the other’s claims and defenses from beginning to end. The AHB presumes neither that the faculty member is mistaken nor that the student is guilty.

Rather, the faculty member presents evidence supporting the claim that the student has violated the Academic Honesty Policy (AHP), and the student presents evidence as to why the violation report is unsubstantiated or procedurally unfair. The student has the opportunity to question the faculty member and the faculty member has the opportunity to question the student; the AHB has the opportunity to question both. At the conclusion of the hearing, both parties are individually asked whether they have had a full and fair opportunity to be heard. If either responds in the negative, they are afforded unlimited time to further present their case.

After the hearing has concluded, the Board considers both sides carefully; all of the Board members (eight faculty members from all four units of the faculty body and eight students from all units of the student body) take very seriously their responsibility to render a fair and just decision, based upon the evidence. While reasonable minds can sometimes disagree in extremely complicated cases, we believe that we collectively “get it right” almost every time.

A recent example comes to mind in which a professor, acting in good faith, never-

theless was found to have falsely accused a student of plagiarism. A student (let’s call her “Jane”) had been cited for plagiarism because her online submission with an 11 p.m. time stamp was almost identical to another student’s submission with an 8 a.m. time stamp.

Jane appealed the citation. At the hearing, she was asked: if she did not plagiarize, how could she explain the similarity? Jane had no explanation, but nevertheless insisted her submission was 100% her own. Upon closer inspection, however, the board realized that the 11 p.m. timestamp for Jane’s submission was from a day earlier than the professor had thought. In fact, it was the other student who appeared to have plagiarized from Jane, and the board ruled in favor of Jane.

In short: anyone, faculty or student, who appears before the AHB can be assured that their claim/defense will be given a full and fair hearing and that the decision rendered will be based strictly upon the evidence. It is regrettable that this unidentified former faculty member feels that the process failed her. However, it is this former faculty member who apparently did not understand the purpose of the hearing and the conscientiousness with which the AHB carries out its responsibilities in assuring that justice is done for both faculty and student.

The Members of Academic Honesty Board, including William McDevitt, Chair Paul Klingsberg, Acting Chair

March 30, 2016

The Hawk

7 | Opinions

Make your news feed great again Controlling your political education JULIAN LUTZ ’19 Hawk Staff Hawk Hill is a community of diverse political beliefs: We have liberals and conservatives, socialists and libertarians, and “Make America Great Again” hats worn both ironically and earnestly.

And thank God! How boring it would be to go to a school full of like-minded people? Instead, every dorm room debate brings a diversity of ideas and opinions.

Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of it all and have at some point said, “Well, I identify with (some party), but I tend to disagree on (some issue).” Opinions are like blurry photos of Pope Francis’s Fiat 500: every Hawk has (at least) one.

Yet though we disagree, we’re all open minded and open to learning more…right?

Not always. All too often, the hostility that divides our politicians also divides us. Think about your more liberal friend, the one who uses the word “Republican” as shorthand for “stale, repulsive, and borderline racist,” or your conservative friend to whom “Hillary” is a curse word. Think about the class discussion in which you knew at least a few kids disagreed with the majority opinion, but held their tongues to avoid friction. We like to think that we’re open-minded enough to see the truth on

both sides. But all too often, we greet differing opinions with instant rejection and open hostility.

You might not think that’s a huge deal.

After all, when we debate sports, we never really expect to change the opinion of our tragically misguided Cowboys fan friends.

It’s just fun to get a little pissed off, see who can make the better points, and move on with no one really changing their opinion.

Often we treat politics similarly, simply as something fun to talk about.

Really, it’s more than that. We elect our leaders. Those leaders have, on some level, an obligation to listen to public opinion.

And public opinion is just the aggregate of all of our personal opinions. Thus, our personal feelings about politics determine the path of the most powerful nation on earth.

And if we aren’t willing to be open-minded and take politics seriously, our taxes could go up, or our relatives in the military could go to war. As Bernie Sanders pointed out last fall, even Hitler was an elected official.

Then, as now, politics matter.

Your opinion matters. And I say that not just to make you feel special, but to remind you to take your opinion, and those of others, seriously.

The trouble starts when we start reading news sources that reinforce our biases, instead of challenging them. A Pew study found that conservatives tend to stick to Fox News, Breitbart, and The National Review, while liberals favor MSNBC, Slate, and The Washington Post. If we scroll through our Facebook or Twitter feeds and see only our own opinions echoed back and amplified, we’re going to think that our ideology is really a factual worldview. And the longer we let that worldview go unchallenged, the more our opinions become walled-off and one-sided.

Those opinions stem from our values and beliefs. Many of those are shared: We all learned that Martin Luther King Jr. and Abraham Lincoln were heroes, that voting is our civic duty, that everyone has a right to free speech, and (hopefully) that we should resist judging others by the color of their skin or their sexual orientation. But how we feel about specific issues depends to a large degree on the values we have learned from our parents, friends, churches, and schools. Political scientists call this “political socialization.” No matter what, we all have some level of bias.

We need to start accounting for that

Images courtesy of Krista Jawroski x’17

bias. Because of political socialization, we rely on news venues that support our beliefs—a story about Donald Trump, or a new anti-abortion law in Indiana, might make you really angry, really happy, or really scared, depending on your political socialization. We don’t just read the news.

We filter it.

So if we want to have better political discussions, we need to really expose ourselves to opinions we disagree with. For most of us, that means adjusting our primary source of news: Facebook and Twitter timelines. If you’re an Obama-hating conservative, follow Vox.com or NPR, two less-biased sources who do a good job with the liberal side of the debate. If you’re a Bernie-loving liberal, try The National Review, The American Spectator, or Reason magazine (a libertarian magazine). No matter your affiliation, go follow Pulitzer-winning, nonpartisan fact checker group, Politifact, as well as your elected officials of both parties.

If you really want to see both sides, create a news feed that shows both. You are what you eat, and you are what you read.

And who knows? You might read something you agree with.

8 | Sports

March 30, 2016

The Hawk

Swinging for the fences

Baseball takes two of three in A-10 opener series CHRISTY SELAGY, M.A., ’17 Sports Editor

The Saint Joseph’s University baseball team (9-10, 2-1 A-10) traveled to the University of Richmond over Easter break to start Atlantic 10 conference play. The Hawks took two of three games from the Richmond Spiders (13-11, 1-2 A-10), and sophomore Deon Stafford homered four times over the weekend. Stafford was named one of Collegiate Baseball Newspaper’s Louisville Slugger National Players of the Week and was also named A-10 Baseball Co-Player of the Week.

St. Joe’s kicked off conference play with a 7-3 win on March 24. The Hawks put numbers on the board first when senior John Brue hit a bases-loaded single to drive in a run. Sophomore Matt Maul followed with a

single of his own to plate another run, and freshman Charlie Concannon drove in the third run of the frame with an RBI groundout.

Richmond got one run back in the fourth, but St. Joe’s struck back in the fifth with four runs. Stafford led off the inning with a home run, and junior Cal Jadacki hit a three-run homer later in the inning, his second home run in as many games.

The Spiders added runs in the fifth and ninth, but the Hawks were able to hold on for the win. Graduate student Tim Ponto pitched five innings for the Hawks, giving up two runs (one earned), four hits, and striking out four. Junior Pat Vanderslice threw a solid three and two-thirds inning in relief,

giving up one unearned run on six hits.

The Hawks lost the game the following day, by a score of 4-2. The Spiders gained an early lead in the first inning on an RBI double from graduate student Michael Morman. Richmond added a run in both the fourth and the fifth to take a 3-0 lead.

St. Joe’s scored in the sixth on an infield single from Maul, scoring Stafford. Junior Brian Lau reached on a bunt single to load the bases for Jadacki, who grounded into a double play, allowing another run to score for the Hawks.

Richmond added another run in the seventh to double their lead. St. Joe’s loaded the bases with two outs in the eighth, but were unable to capitalize, sealing the final score.

The Hawks bounced back on Saturday, with a 6-5 win. Stafford hit three home runs in the game, which marked the first time the feat had been accomplished in program history. A number of Hawks have had twohome run games, with the most recent being Brian O’Keefe in 2014, the same year he was drafted by the Saint Louis Cardinals.

The Spiders again jumped to an early lead, this time with four runs on five hits in the first, though they left the bases loaded to end the first inning. Maul and Concannon started the second inning with back-to-back singles. Lau reached on an error to load the bases for Jadacki, whose fielder’s choice plated Maul to get the Hawks on the board.

The next inning, St. Joe’s added two more runs, when Stafford hit a two-run home run, which was his first of the day. The

Hawks added another two runs in the fifth, again on a two-run homer from Stafford, which gave the Hawks a one-run lead.

Richmond tied the game in the seventh when Morman scored on a balk, but Stafford came through again for the Hawks in the ninth. With one out in the inning, Stafford hit his third home run of the day to give the Hawks the lead. Junior Ryan Kelly locked up the win with a perfect bottom of the ninth, while Kelly pitched two and onethirds innings in the game, allowing only one hit while striking out two.

The Hawks return to Smithson Field on Wednesday, March 30 to take on Bucknell University, and will then play A-10 rival Davidson College in a three-game series starting on Friday, April 1.

Photos by Christy Selagy, M.A., ’17

Holy split

Softball starts conference play at Dayton NICK MANDARANO ’18 Hawk Staff

Saint Joseph’s University softball traveled to Ohio to take on the University of Dayton Flyers in a three-game series for their Atlantic 10 conference opener. The Hawks stood at a 10-9 nonconference record entering Friday and went on to split the series with Dayton. After the Hawks won the first game and lost the second, the teams tied in the third and finished the weekend at 1-1-1.

Last weekend’s series showcased some

of the conference’s top pitching. In game one, the A-10’s top two leaders in batting average against were in the circle. After the series, Dayton’s starter sophomore Manda Cash leads the way at a .177 clip and St. Joe’s senior Anna Lauterbach, who appeared in relief, follows in second at .207. The Flyers were just 2-16 (.125) against Lauterbach.

Game two featured the A-10’s top two leaders in earned run average. Dayton junior Gabrielle Snyder boasts a 1.56 ERA

Photo by Matthew J. Haubenstein, M.A., ’17

and Lauterbach holds an equally impressive ERA at 1.66. Snyder went four scoreless innings in relief, and Lauterbach allowed only one earned run in four and one-third innings of relief.

It took eleven innings, but the Hawks eventually won the first match of the threegame series on Friday by a final score of 4-3.

Dayton led 3-1 entering the top of the seventh inning. St. Joe’s senior Sarah Yoos, who reached with a leadoff single, scored from third on a passed ball and fellow senior Kerrie Kortmann, who replaced senior Hanna Dionne as a pinch runner following her single, scored on a double from senior Cyndi Wilson to tie the game.

Despite a bases loaded threat from the Flyers, it wasn’t until the eleventh inning that another runner crossed the plate. In her first at-bat since tying the game, Wilson drove a two-out pitch over the wall in right-center to give St. Joe’s the 4-3 lead.

In the bottom of the eleventh, Lauterbach put the Flyers away. After pitching the final five innings of the game for the Hawks, Lauterbach finished with five strikeouts, allowing two hits and no runs.

Game two took just as long to com-

plete. This time, however, it was Dayton who claimed the victory following an eleven-inning game with a final score of 1-0. The Hawks were only able to collect one hit in eleven innings—a single from junior Madeline Brunck.

The Flyers didn’t struggle as severely with getting runners on, but did struggle getting runners in. The only run of the game was scored by the Flyers in the bottom of the eleventh inning. A single to left field from Snyder scored freshman Aspyn Novak and the Flyers walked off as winners of the second game.

The rubber match between the Hawks and the Flyers ended in a 1-1 tie. The Hawks’ only run came in the third inning when Wilson scored on a single from Brunck. The Flyers’ only run came when senior Kennedy Haynes crossed the plate on a double from sophomore Kayla Haberstich. The score stood still at 1-1 until the game was called a tie after the seventh inning.

The Hawks will host Monmouth University on Wednesday, March 30 at 3:30 p.m. before Fordham University comes to town this weekend for another three-game series.

March 30, 2016

The Squawk | S3

The Squawk

Dear Vivian

The Hawk’s prolific advice columnist offers the perfect solutions to all your problems VIVIAN MILAN ’18 Hawk Staff Dear Vivian, My boyfriend is being super annoying.

Like, every time I want to have a meaningful, life-changing conversation about stuff like Justin Bieber’s newest album, what shoe is best, which drink I should get from Starbucks—he just tunes me out or acts like he doesn’t care. Literally, every time! I just don’t know what to do. I stole his phone and read his texts and he’s not cheating on me with anyone else, so I’m not really sure why he’s not paying more attention to me. I’m literally the greatest person he knows. His friends are so stupid, so clearly he should be spending more time with me. What should I do?

Sincerely, #1 Girlfriend Dear #1 Girlfriend, Clearly your boyfriend is at fault. You bring up such stimulating conversation ideas. It does not make any sense as to why he wouldn’t listen to you. I mean to be fair, I don’t care about shoes, Justin Bieber, or Starbucks (it’s Dunkin or bust), but he

should! These are major conversation topics. Who cares what’s going on with the election or in the world? You have to buy shoes. You should just dump him and then after you’ve dumped him, he’ll start to miss you again, and then you’ll get back together and he’ll appreciate you so much more.

If it works in romantic comedies, then it’s bound to work in life.

Deuces, Vivian Dear Vivian, I’m single and ready to mingle, but no one pays attention to me. I have the greatest pick-up lines, whenever I take girls out I make them pay for my meals because that’s equality, and I even pretend to support Hillary Clinton because that’s what girls do, right? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I’ve gone to tons of parties and have handed out my number to every girl I’ve seen, but I haven’t gotten a single call! I’m a catch, and I don’t want them to miss out on being in a great relationship with me. I’m only thinking of the other girls.

Sincerely, Mr. Right

Dear Mr. Right, Yeah, that’s a tough one. You’re totally putting women first in all of your decisions, so I’m not really sure why you’re not in a relationship. It probably has something to do with your pick-up lines. They’re not unique enough. You’re probably saying things like, ‘Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day’ or ‘Are you from Tennessee? ’Cause you’re the only 10 I see.’ You need to step up your game!

Try, ‘Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you,’ or ‘Can I walk you home? I was always told to follow my dreams,’ or ‘Girl, you’re not a soccer ball. You don’t deserve to be kicked around.’ Also, like my bestie 2 Chainz (We’re super close. I knew him when he only had one chainz) says, “Maybe instead of trying to find the right one, you should try to become the right one. Church.”

Deuces, Vivian

hate my parents, or act out in school. I didn’t fulfill my duty as a teenager to be full of angst and do crazy antics with my friends.

How can I make up for lost time?

Sincerely, Old Timer Dear Old Timer, The teenage years are supposed to prepare you for your 20s. Just because you missed out on them doesn’t mean you can’t make up for it! Go steal a car and take candy from a baby (I’ve heard that’s really easy to do) and knock some stuff over. That’ll instill fear in others and make everyone regret their current life decisions. Go forth and set a garbage can on fire!

Deuces, Vivian

Dear Vivian, I recently turned 20 years old and I feel like I missed out on my teenage rebellion years. I didn’t go through a Goth phase, or

The hawk will never FLY? This season’s best diet trends KRISTEN ADAMS ’17 Hawk Staff With summer right around the corner, everyone is thinking of ways to shed some pounds to achieve that ideal “summer bod.” We hear all about the crazy diets that our friends are trying or celebrities are endorsing in order to lose that extra weight, but which ones actually work? Well, lucky for you, I’ve scoured the Internet to find the best diets that will surely give you that summer bod you’re looking for.

The All-Carb Diet: Traditionally, people say to stay away from the entire carb category for dieting purposes, but I think that’s silly—carbs are loaded with energy!

Think about it like you’re running a marathon: the night before, you carb overload.

So, why not overload every day? It will just be like you’re running a marathon!

The Ice Cream Cleanse: Try going on a four-day ice cream cleanse. I personally recommend Rocky Road or Mint Chocolate Chip. If you eat four ice cream cones a day, than you’re only consuming a monstrosity of calories—not to mention an absurd amount of sugar and fat. What could be more cleansing?

The Instagram Plan: It may be tough to keep up with all of your friends as they post pictures of their food on social media sites, but that’s OK! Do what the celebrities do: Post pictures with food by your mouth, but don’t actually eat it. You could even frame the picture—ah, memories.

The Leftover Easter Candy Diet: With Easter just ending, I’m sure you have as much leftover Easter candy as I do. A great diet idea is to eat all of the leftover jelly beans and chocolate bunnies. The sugar from these sweet treats is sure to give you enough energy to finish all of your papers on time!

The Tree Bark Fad: Pull some bark off of the nearest tree—my favorite are the ones along City Avenue—then, BOOM! Instant energy bar; it’s crispy, crunchy, and packed with nutrients. I don’t know how you’d get any closer or any cheaper to a Nature Valley bar!

The St. Joe’s Diet: This diet is one of my personal favorites. It consists of: one Einstein bagel, a double Hawk Wrap, a cheesesteak from Larry’s, a Frosty from Wendy’s, and a coffee from Starbucks.

The Prayer Diet: When all else fails, PRAY! Hopefully with the previous Lenten period of fasting, God will give you the miracle of instant pounds shed. (I haven’t perfected this diet yet, so if you do, give me a call or put in a good word for me…)

When you’re done dieting, you deserve to take a night to treat yourself! I comprised my favorite recipe for your “cheat day.” It is super easy, very delicious, and absolutely perfect for a night spent in with a friend, significant other, or even a pet: 1 cup of olive oil 1 clove of garlic 2 slices of bologna 1 ounce of dirt (worms are an added bonus) ½ cup of horseradish 10 baby carrots 1 cup of kale (because we all know how nutritious it is) There you have it: One of the easiest, most delicious, and most romantic meals you’ll ever make! I recommend eating it on a sandwich or frying it in a pan and topping it with ranch dressing.

Happy April Fools to all—make sure to play your fair share of pranks this week!

LINDSAY HUESTON ’16 Pun Princess The Office of Student Life and Activities has announced the implementation of a new stress-relief initiative that will be unveiled around finals week, beginning May 4. Named FLY, for Failing at Life Yeah!, a ziplining station will be set up underneath the bridge connecting the Drexel Library side to the Post Learning Commons.

The zipline will be available to students in five-minute increments, and the online registration system—which hopefully won’t crash as a result of SJU Wireless— will go live on April 1. Students will be able to participate in FLY on a first-come, firstserved basis.

The zipline will have a safety net set-up 15 feet below it, in case any of the students lose their grip and happen to fall off.

The impetus for implementing the FLY program is a noticeable level of increased stress in students in the realm of finals week. Administrators believe that introducing such an activity will provide another way in which students will be able to take a refreshing study break.

Other methods that will also be introduced this semester include a porcupine petting area and a Lego fortress-building contest, where students will construct feats of engineering in the hopes of winning three congealing slices of Tony Roni’s pizza.

Additionally, there will be a burrito-eating contest à la The Hunger Games, in which students will have to battle other students as they wait approximately 47 minutes in line to get Qdoba, and then end up receiving only a meager pile of beans.

“I think the addition of FLY will greatly benefit our students and their ability to cope with excess stress levels in a busy ac-

ademic time period,” said E. Vel Knievel, associate director of Student Risk Management.

Adrienne Allen-Rush, ’18, thinks that the FLY program is unlike any other stress management technique she has tried, and hopes that the program will be successful —especially after coming in a close 7th place in last year’s Lego fortress-building contest.

“When I’m stressed right before finals week, I like to go for a run or write in my journal,” Allen-Rush said. “I guess I would consider stopping by the FLY station, though, if none of those methods work and I just, like, really need to reboot my brain.”

Joe St. Untdubbel, ’16, agrees. “I’ve had a stressful semester with job-searching, skipping my classes, and finding enough time to frequent MRT, so the FLY might be a good way of letting some of that frustration fly away—ha, get it?”

Other students are skeptical, however, including Marissa K. Taker, ’17, known for her cautious approach to school-sponsored risks.

“I think that FLY could end up being kind of dangerous, because, like, you’d be ziplining like 10 feet above a mesh safety net, and so close to where people are studying. I mean, I just don’t think we should allow students to be put in that situation, even if they are petting porcupines and eating beans and whatnot beforehand.”

Additionally, administrators in Student Life are considering adding a campus-wide game of Manhunt towards the end of finals week, should the FLY program and other initiatives prove successful.

S4 | Squawk

March 30, 2016

The Squawk

LINDSAY HUESTON ’16 Pun Princess

Following an email chain that unleashed chaos upon email inboxes amongst the university, Saint Joseph’s University Communications has decided to switch to an improved method of communication for university-wide announcements.

Though this new method may not be as technologically advanced as the email system, University Communications hopes that the new system will allow for a more direct method of communication among members of the university community.

“We found that emails were far too instant and allowed students to directly communicate with the entire university community,” said Associate Vice President of Marketing Communications Jared Lovegood. “We can’t have unchecked responses circulating around the university, especially if such emails were affecting the entire community unnecessarily.”

Instead, Lovegood announced that the university would now be using owls for message delivery as its primary mode of communication for both faculty and students, with its initial parliament beginning their flights on April 1.

Though students will now be able to communicate via owls, faculty will also have limited access to group owl communications, though in a more limited context.

Faculty and staff, in the past, have been required to communicate with large groups by producing a Patronus, a sort of guardian that can protect the maker, as well as communicate messages to others.

Due to the nature of the difficulty of producing a Patronus—a nuanced and

effective mode of communication for large groups—such messages were supposedly unable to be conveyed without first being delivered to an administrative intermediary, a method which then proved to be ineffective. Currently, a daily owl conveying these messages is delivered to each faculty member daily (“The Daily Squawk”), in an effort to reduce the number of Patronuses sent daily—especially in light of the email chaos.

In a recent announcement on The Nest, Fran DiSanti, chief information officer, spoke of the email crisis as a technical error. At the very least, a university-wide owl could have been flown out to all community members with the apparent cause.

“Owl post would be a far more efficient way to communicate with members of the university community, and is a significantly easier way to control the way in which our university community communicates with each other,” said Martha-Eleanor McGonagall, Vice President for Muggle Life and Assistant Headmistress. “As a university, we are seeking to promote diversity, and our new avian fleet is one way in which we hope to highlight the biodiversity of the university community as a whole, in addition to the diversity of our student body.”

Professor Pamela Sprout, associate professor of Herbology and faculty adviser for the Care of Magical Creatures club, notes that the Center for Avian Communications, or the “Owlery” for short, will be housed in the Barbelin bell tower. She, along with others on the newly-formed Avian Communications Committee, will be cooperating

with Lovegood to oversee the overall health and efficiency of the newly-implemented owl post and its effect on university-wide communications.

“There aren’t any bells in the bell tower because hawks started nesting there, and absent the annual ‘Beat nOVA’ sign for the Holy War, there’s really no reason why this space can’t be used for the new campus Center for Avian Communications,” noted Sprout. As someone who has studied owl intelligence and its impact on surrounding environments for the past 13 years, she continued, saying, “The bell tower is perfectly suited for an owlery, as it provides an adequate amount of space for the owls to nest, as well as a high vantage point to begin their message-carrying departures on campus accordingly.”

Eliminating student, faculty, and staff email accounts prevents any future snafus from occurring, and allows senders of a message to send an owl directly to a recipient on campus, ensuring its relevance.

Lovegood explained that following the implementation of the new system, there would be certain parameters regarding owl usage on campus.

“Firstly, owls would not be permitted to enter classroom buildings, to maintain a sanitary learning space as well as to preserve the sacredness of the academic environment. In the case where a message needs to be sent to multiple people at once, one owl will deliver a slip of paper to each recipient of that message individually,” said Lovegood.

Nathan Longbottom, a member of the

Care of Magical Creatures club majoring in herbology, thinks that the increased presence of owls on campus “will be an effective way for us [students] to return to nature in the urban setting of our campus, and promote a mindset of intentionality when communicating with others.”

As with the university laptop program, each student enrolled at the university will have the opportunity to own their own owl through a partnership with the Owlery. Details are forthcoming, according to Sprout.

Students will be allowed to bring their own owls from home, as well; however, roosting spaces in the Owlery will be first reserved for those holding a university avian permit.

Marcus Albus Percival Wulfric Brian C. Rood, the first Squib headmaster of Saint Joseph’s, also gave a statement: “The Owlery will be a fantastic addition to the already-notable Barbelin bell tower, and I have full support for the new avian communications program.”

Students may also have the option of sending a Patronus to convey messages; however, as this more personalized vehicle of communication may come across as disruptive, Lovegood advises that students utilize sending messages via Patronus outside of classroom settings or inside university buildings.

“Ultimately, we hope that all members of our community will be able to more effectively communicate with one another using owls,” said Lovegood. “Hopefully our system of avian communication won’t erupt into a frenzy as frequently in this more controlled atmosphere.”

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Image created by Krista Jaworski ’17