Attorney L. Scott Briscoe brings his 25 years of court-appointed legal experience to this humorous book of 99 Legal Tips, described as a combination of Ripley's Believe It Or Not and Beavis and Butthead. He has witnessed unbelievable blunders by clients and shares them in this book in hopes no one else ever makes the same mistakes! These are not fictitious tales, they actually happened in court.
When selecting your alibi witness, do not choose one who was already in jail while you were “not” committing your own crime. When selecting a potential buyer for the goods you stole from your boss, do not select your boss.
L. Scott Briscoe, Esq.
L. Scott Briscoe grew up in the hills of southern West Virginia, graduated from the West Virginia College of Law in 1997, and for the last twenty-five years has served on the court- appointed panel of attorneys in Boone County, West Virginia. He concentrated on serving as the guardian ad litem for children in child abuse and neglect cases and representing juvenile defendants. His passion for representing children has captured national attention as his practice has been featured in the Washington Post and the “NBC Nightly News.” Before collecting these tips here, they went viral world-wide and appeared on many popular websites, such as Bored Panda, Postize, the UK Daily Mail, and Celebrity George Takei’s page, as well as making it in print in Reader’s Digest. Scott, who was named 2020 West Virginia Public Defender of the Year, recently left the court-appointed work to go to work with his mentor, Robert Noone, concentrating solely on adoptions.
99 LEGAL TIPS
Such as... DO NOT violate your probation THE NIGHT BEFORE your hearing wherein you’re asking to be released early from probation.
L. Scott Briscoe, Esq. illustrated by Jeff Pierson
Headline Books, Inc. Terra Alta, WV
I would like to thank my fictitious friends Donny Ray and Brenda for graciously volunteering to protect the identities of the guilty in these following legal tips. I would also like to thank my illustrator pal, Jeff Pierson, for accurately depicting the Donny Ray and Brenda characters who probably exist in every courtroom in America. God help us all.
99 Legal Tips by L. Scott Briscoe illustrated by Jeff Pierson copyright ©2023 L. Scott Briscoe All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any other form or for any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording or any information storage system, without written permission from Headline Books, Inc. To order additional copies of this book or for book publishing information, or to contact the author: Headline Books, Inc. P.O. Box 52 Terra Alta, WV 26764 www.HeadlineBooks.com mybook@headlinebooks.com ISBN 13: 9781951556884 Library of Congress Control Number: 2022946870
P R I N T E D I N T H E U N I T E D S TAT E S O F A M E R I C A
Legal Tip #1
DO NOT post photos of yourself committing crimes A, B, and C. They will become State’s Exhibits 1, 2, and 3.
3
Legal Tip #2 When using a friend’s urine in an attempt to SDVV D GUXJ VFUHHQ GUXJ WHVW \RXU IULHQG ¿UVW
4
Legal Tip #3 When telling the judge you need out of jail to donate a spare organ to your dying mother, choose an organ you can spare, such as a kidney. Your liver does not come in a pair and you will need it.
5
Legal Tip #4 Do not ask the victim with a restraining order against you for a ride to court for a hearing to determine whether you have violated your restraining order.
6
Legal Tip #5 When facing charges for stealing an ATV, do not wear your “Drive It Like You Stole It” T-shirt.
7
Legal Tip #6 When charged with indecent exposure, do not wear your crotchless blue jeans to court. Yes. It happened.
Legal Tip #7 Drinking ice water just before your drug test does not adequately explain why your urine sample is cold.
8
Legal Tip #8 Do not plan your next felony over the pay phone in your jail pod next to the sign that reads “All phone calls are monitored and recorded.”
9
Legal Tip #9 When coming to the courthouse, leave your drug paraphernalia at home. Most importantly, do not pull it out of your pocket and voluntarily hand it to the security guard at the metal detector.
10
Legal Tip #10 When the judge asks you, in reference to a drug screen, “If I send you to the bathroom, is there going to be anything in it?” “Ummm, maybe some corn?” is not the response he is expecting.
11
Legal Tip #11 When attempting to leave a plug of tobacco and other treats hidden for your incarcerated loved one on the courthouse elevator, please avoid the elevator camera visibly mounted overhead.
12
Legal Tip #12 When the prosecutor pushes your buttons, do not explode from the witness stand, out of the courtroom, and down the hall. The bailiff ZLOO FKDVH \RX GRZQ VQXJJO\ DQG ¿UPO\ GLUHFW you back to the courtroom, and “help” you back into your seat.
13
Legal Tip #13 If you wear your “Lean, Mean, Drinking Machine” T-shirt to court today, you will receive a direct pass to the contempt holding cell.
14
Legal Tip #14 Giving your drunk client lots of coffee just prior to his hearing will only result in a wide awake drunk client in the courtroom.
15
Legal Tip #15 Removing the porch and steps to your trailer to prevent a home inspection will only result in the Guardian Ad Litem, with Spider-Man like agility, hoisting himself up through your door. Then they will take your child. 16
Legal Tip #16 Note to Bailiff: When swearing in a one-armed man to testify, do not ask him to raise his missing hand. Awkward.
17
Legal Tip #17 “Twelve Toe Syndrome,” is not a defense for abusive parenting. Great try, though, and points for creativity.
Legal Tip #18 Do not bring your controlled substances to the courtroom to share with your friend, with the bailiff watching. 18
Legal Tip #19 Men, when a woman asks you to send proof of your girth and length by holding your credit card next to it in the photo, it’s not your pride and joy she’s wanting to see. Major points for identity theft creativity.
19
Legal Tip #20 '2 127 WDNH VHO¿HV LQ WKH PLGGOH RI \RXU criminal acts, A, B, and C. Same as Tip #1. They will become State’s Exhibits 1, 2, and 3. Really.
20
Legal Tip #21 Pot Leaf earrings should NOT be worn to your hearing regarding possession of marijuana.
21
Legal Tip #22 When the judge asks where your daughter is, “She’s in the ladies’ room,” would be a more appropriate response than, “She’s poopin’.”
22
Legal Tip #23 See Tip #1. My most ignored yet most valuable tip, hence the repeat. DO NOT POST your illegal activities, probation violations, confessions, or any other activities that may result in your arrest on Facebook or any other social media.
23
Legal Tip #24 'R QRW FRPSODLQ WR \RXU SUREDWLRQ RI¿FHU WKDW he and the judge are both doing a horrible job BEFORE they decide your sentence.
24
Legal Tip #25 Tattooing “F**K THE POLICE” over your eyebrow will not endear you to your arresting RI¿FHU
25
Legal Tip #26 Ladies, the intake strip-search at the jail will expose any plugs of pills and/or tobacco taking a ride on your Vagina Express. Close the station and stop trying. 26
Legal Tip #27 Ladies, your over-sized purse will not hide the puppy skeleton on the x-ray line, should you attempt to smuggle a huskie pup onto your cruise ship.
27
Legal Tip #28 DO NOT violate your probation THE NIGHT BEFORE your hearing wherein you’re asking to be released early from probation.
28
Legal Tip #29 “I’d sure love me a piece of that sweet ass.” - Words you should never say to your Juvenile 3UREDWLRQ 2I¿FHU
Legal Tip #30 When selecting whose sex toys to steal, choose someone other than your parents.
29
Legal Tip #31 After stealing someone’s debit card, do not use it to pay your home utilities, unless you wanted to give a deputy directions to your house.
Legal Tip #32 Tip for public defenders: When your client volunteers that he knows sign language to the judge, allow him to demonstrate it to you privately, and screen it, before he displays it in open court
30
Legal Tip #33 &DOOLQJ WKH MXGJH DQ ³DVVKROH´ LV ¿QH EXW please wait until you are outside of the courtroom, unless you want to be inside the holding cell.
31
Legal Tip #34 “She’s due very soon,” would be a proper response when the judge asks when the baby mama is due, not “Well, she’s already leaking.”
32
Legal Tip (pun intended) #35 $ JHQLWDO VHO¿H FDQ OHDG WR FULPLQDO FKDUJHV even if it’s just the tip.
33
Legal Tip #36 When appearing in court, do not wear the VDPH H[DFW RXW¿W $1' DFFHVVRULHV \RX wore during your crime. Also, avoid security cameras.
34
Legal Tip #37 In response to the question, “Do you think you could be the father?” “Yes” would be a more appropriate response than, “Let me put it this way, that last night, I ¿OOHG KHU SOXP IXOO ´ 35
Legal Tip #38 Not happy with your drug dealer? Complaining about the bad deal on Facebook will only lead to more reasons for you to be XQVDWLV¿HG $JDLQ VHH /HJDO 7LS
36
Legal Tip #39 When the judge asks you who the father of your child is, “A pill made me pregnant” is neither a credible nor acceptable response. Sex Ed. Look into it.
37
Legal Tip #40 Pajamas and bedhead. Not courtroom appropriate.
Legal Tip #41 Avoid bashing the judge in your case on Facebook, especially AFTER you friended him on said Facebook.
38
Legal Tip #42 STOP TAKING PICTURES OF YOUR ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES ON YOUR PHONE. STOP. JUST STOP. GRRRR.
39
Legal Tip #43 When selecting your alibi witness, do not choose someone who was already in jail while you were “not” committing your own crime.
40
Legal of the Day #44 Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never say those two special words to your circuit judge. You know the two words I’m talking about. Unless you are a juvenile with a hankering for some lengthy detention time, then go for it. 41
Legal Tip #45 There are many wallets that you can pickpocket, the sheriff deputy’s wife’s is not one them.
42
Legal Tip #46 When the judge asks why you cannot give a drug screen, telling him you have a medical condition where you never pee will not “pass.”
43
Legal Tip #47 <RXU SUREDWLRQ RI¿FHU PD\ WDNH \RXU PRUH seriously if you say, “My leg is not circulating and they may have to amputate,” as opposed to, “My leg ain’t percolatin’ and they may hafta laminate it.” 44
Legal Tip #48 When asking the judge for an alternative sentence as opposed to jail, begging him for “prohibition” is not the result you really want.
45
Legal Tip #49 After convincing the judge to let you leave jail for a relative’s funeral, do not call your cousin from your jail pod phone, under the sign stating your calls are monitored and recorded, asking him to drop the drugs in said deceased relative’s casket for you to retrieve.
46
Legal Tip #50 <RXU SUREDWLRQ RI¿FHU RQO\ QHHG EH SUHVHQW when you provide your urine sample. To keep him happy, let him leave the bathroom stall before you decide to drop a deuce.
47
Legal Tip #51 You’re doing well under cross-examination when the prosecutor says “You chased all those pills with a pint of liquor, didn’t you?” when you reply “I did not!” but stop before capping it off with “It was TWO pints!”
48
Legal Tip #52 When the judge asks why you’ve tested positive for THC, do not blame it on recent weight loss. It does not work that way.
49
Legal Tip #53 You screaming in the courthouse hallway can lead to you crying in the courthouse holding cell.
50
Legal Tip #54 If you’re going to testify that after your “ol’ ODG\´ VQDSSHG \RXU ¿VKLQJ SROH LQ KDOI she “schwarped” you over the head and “schwarped” you across the back with it, give your court reporter a heads up on how you spell that.
51
Legal Tip #55 Ladies, personalized vanity kits have many useful purposes. Toting your meth to court with you in your name-bearing kit, and forgetting it there in the bathroom, is not one.
52
Legal Tip #56 Chucking your mother’s Christmas ham out the dining room window can lead to a destruction of property charge and a year of juvenile probation.
53
Legal Tip #57 When things are going south for you in the courtroom, go with a more subtle faked heart attack, as opposed to the more full-on Fred Sanford “I’m coming Elizabeth!” heart attack.
54
Legal Tip #58 If you’re going to break your home FRQ¿QHPHQW WR DWWHQG D SURWHVW ¿JKW WKH power from the back, away from the news cameras, and don’t agree to be interviewed.
55
Legal Tip #59 When deciding to run from the law, don’t do it while at the courthouse, while already in jail house orange, and while already in handcuffs and shackles.
56
Legal Tip #60 “I had no idea that was there. I must have IDOOHQ RQ LW ´ GRHV QRW VXI¿FLHQWO\ H[SODLQ WR the judge how the plastic bag full of drugs ended up in your vagina. Neither does accusing the ER nurse of sticking it there during your examination.
57
Legal Tip #61 When selecting a potential buyer for the goods you stole from your boss, do not select your boss. 58
Legal Tip #62 When facing animal cruelty charges, do not wear your “ P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tasty Animals” tshirt.
59
Legal Tip #63 When secretly recording a conversation to collect evidence for your attorney, please turn the recording device off when leaving the room to go drop a deuce.
60
Legal Tip #64 Do not bring up the time you drugged, raped, and videotaped a woman during your job interview with the police.
61
Legal Tip #65 When on the lam from the police, do not stop to pose for photos in a public place that can be tagged...and located.
62
Legal Tip #66 When texting someone to offer a weed/heroin WUDGH WKH SURVHFXWRU VKRXOG QRW EH \RXU ¿UVW choice. 63
Legal Tip #67 There are many, many things you can sell on Craig’s List. Your baby is not one of those things.
64
Legal Tip #68 Faking an overdose in the courtroom will not void your trip to jail, only delay it with an unpleasant detour through the emergency room.
65
Legal Tip #69 Do not wear your “BEST. DAD. EVER.” T-shirt to your child abuse and neglect hearing.
66
Legal Tip #70 Ladies, when shoplifting an automobile headlight, shoving it up your hoo-ha can lead to an up-close and personal encounter with the law and a paramedic. Keep your headlights above the waist.
67
Legal Tip #71 Do not wear this shirt during your “possession of meth charge” court hearing. Or ever.
68
Legal Tip #72 After convincing the judge to release you from jail while you’ve clutched your Bible and passionately persuaded him that you found Jesus in Pod A, please refrain from walking out of the courtroom and slapping said Bible in the bailiff’s hand on your way out, stating “Here, I don’t need this anymore.”
69
Legal Tip #73 When accidentally dropping your weed in public, go with an opaque container, and not a container that showcases both your lack of planning and your stash.
70
Legal Tip #74 Posters of encouragement are welcomed at your child’s sporting event or at a political rally, not in the courtroom at your boyfriend’s felony hearing.
71
Legal Tip #75 :KHQ \RXU ODZ\HU ¿QDOO\ FRQYLQFHV WKH judge to release you to your family on home FRQ¿QHPHQW WU\ WR DYRLG LPPHGLDWHO\ ZDONLQJ out of the hearing and attempting to beat your FRQ¿QHPHQW EUDFHOHW RII LQ WKH PLGGOH RI WKH courthouse lawn, or at least give the judge WLPH WR KDYH OXQFK ¿UVW
72
Legal Tip #76 If you’re going to tweak out on meth, do it AFTER your court hearing, not just minutes BEFORE, even if it does make for a much more interesting day in the courtroom for everyone involved.
73
Legal Tip #77 ,I \RX¶UH XQVDWLV¿HG ZLWK \RXU MXGJH¶V UXOLQJ and wanting to change his mind, going to his house and knocking on his door until KH ¿QDOO\ DQVZHUV IUHVKO\ VKRZHUHG DQG sporting nothing but a towel and a scowl, you will probably not win your appeal
74
Legal Tip #78 :HDULQJ \RXU ÀXII\ JUD\ bathrobe in your house is acceptable. Wearing it to the courthouse is not.
75
Legal Tip #79 When testifying in a counterfeiting case, wearing this shirt will not boost your credibility.
76
Legal Tip #80 When burglarizing a pharmacy, avoid leaving a trail of the goods on camera and out the door leading to your arrest.
77
Legal Tip #81 When denying paternity of your baby in court, do not wear a sleeveless shirt accentuating the tattoo of the baby’s name and the baby mama’s name on your arms.
78
Legal Tip #82 After stealing a deputy’s credit card to order a T-shirt online, prominently featuring your face with Snapchat puppy dog ears and tongue, don’t forget to change the shipping address from the deputy’s house.
79
Legal Tip #83 After pleading guilty to transferring and receiving stolen property, do no ask your judge if he’s interested in seeing the collection of ties you have for sale. 80
Legal Tip #84 Demanding a “change of menu” from the judge will not get you out of jail, but it will make me wonder what I’m having for lunch.
81
Legal Tip #85 Calling a tow service to haul a broken-down ATV you are in the process of stealing creates a paper-trail. And witnesses.
82
Legal Tip #86 When appearing in juvenile court for resisting arrest and assault, turn off your cell phone, especially if your choice of ringtones is “I shot the Sheriff.”
83
Legal Tip #87 When appearing at your court hearing after failing to complete rehab, do not wear your “I’M NOT DRUNK. I’M STILL DRINKING” T-shirt.
84
Legal Tip #88 When on probation, remember that your SUREDWLRQ RI¿FHU FDQ WDNH SRVVHVVLRQ RI \RXU phone and its contents. So, you might want to keep that in mind prior to taking an eye-rolling VHO¿H ZLWK WKH GUXJ WHVW VZDE LQ \RXU PRXWK DQG WLWOLQJ LW ³0\ SUREDWLRQ RI¿FHU LV D GLFN ´
85
Legal Tip #89 When stabbing someone, do not leave your bloody knife with your name etched on the blade at the scene.
86
Legal Tip #90 Stop blaming a mysterious and generous hitchhiker for the bag of weed in your back seat. The judge has heard the Weed Fairy Defense too many times.
87
Legal Tip #91 Hold off on wearing your “Out on Bail” shirt the day you commit a crime, unless you prefer a little irony in your mug shot.
88
Legal Tip #92 <RXU SKDUPDFLVW PLJKW QRW ¿OO \RXU prescription when your call is interrupted with a recording informing him that you are calling from the monitored phone in your jail cell.
89
Legal Tip #93 When listing your relationship to the respondent in a domestic violence protective order petition, it’s okay to list that you are dating. Volunteering that KH¶V DOVR \RXU ¿UVW FRXVLQ LV MXVW VXSHUÀXRXV
90
Legal Tip #94 Use a disguise, ANY disguise, before going on the lam from the law with your Boo.
91
Legal Tip #95 Before leaving the pharmacy that you’re burglarizing, make sure the pill bottles left RQ WKH FRXQWHU DUHQ¶W ¿OOHG ZLWK SHEEOHV DQG notes from the pharmacist that read “sucker” and “get a job.”
92
Legal Tip #96 When scoping out a car to break into for the credit cards inside, make sure they don’t EHORQJ WR WKH -XGJH¶V ZLIH ¿UVW
93
Legal Tip #97 Keep your drug-loving apparel limited to Oxycontin panties that are not visible to law enforcement.
94
Legal Tip #98 %DULQJ \RXU FKHVW WR \RXU KXVEDQG LV ¿QH 7U\LQJ WR VQHDN KLP D ÀDVK DW KLV FULPLQDO hearing because he’s not seen them in a while is not.
95
Legal Tip #99 Wearing this to your juvenile hearing may cause the judge to wish, want, and actually SODFH \RX RQ KRPH FRQ¿QHPHQW
96
Attorney L. Scott Briscoe brings his 25 years of court-appointed legal experience to this humorous book of 99 Legal Tips, described as a combination of Ripley's Believe It Or Not and Beavis and Butthead. He has witnessed unbelievable blunders by clients and shares them in this book in hopes no one else ever makes the same mistakes! These are not fictitious tales, they actually happened in court.
When selecting your alibi witness, do not choose one who was already in jail while you were “not” committing your own crime. When selecting a potential buyer for the goods you stole from your boss, do not select your boss.
L. Scott Briscoe, Esq.
L. Scott Briscoe grew up in the hills of southern West Virginia, graduated from the West Virginia College of Law in 1997, and for the last twenty-five years has served on the court- appointed panel of attorneys in Boone County, West Virginia. He concentrated on serving as the guardian ad litem for children in child abuse and neglect cases and representing juvenile defendants. His passion for representing children has captured national attention as his practice has been featured in the Washington Post and the “NBC Nightly News.” Before collecting these tips here, they went viral world-wide and appeared on many popular websites, such as Bored Panda, Postize, the UK Daily Mail, and Celebrity George Takei’s page, as well as making it in print in Reader’s Digest. Scott, who was named 2020 West Virginia Public Defender of the Year, recently left the court-appointed work to go to work with his mentor, Robert Noone, concentrating solely on adoptions.
99 LEGAL TIPS
Such as... DO NOT violate your probation THE NIGHT BEFORE your hearing wherein you’re asking to be released early from probation.
L. Scott Briscoe, Esq. illustrated by Jeff Pierson