Pandemic Side Effects: A Tragic Comedy of Unintended Consequences by Headline Books / Zoom Into Books

DOES ANYTHING MAKE SENSE ANYMORE?

PANDEMIC SIDE EFFECTS

Did you ever think the day would come when the only way you could enter a bank to make a withdrawal was to wear a mask? How about not caring if a food delivery charge is three times the price of the food you ordered? Why do we continue buying clothes online? Where are we going? And what, pray tell, is the “Pandemic Waistline?” These and many other non-sequiturs have annoyed author and celebrated music and festival producer, Jeffrey Weber, for the past eighteen months. So much so that he has assembled quite a few of them here. You will immediately recognize them. Silly, funny, heartbreaking and immensely frustrating, they are an everyday reminder of just how much our very existence has changed so drastically. Jeffrey has created a little bit of humor, a little bit of truth and a little bit of tragedy in a collection that has become more than just social commentary. When can we get back to the new abnormal? And what’s that going to look like?

PANDEMIC SIDE EFFECTS A TRAGIC COMEDY OF UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES

JEFFREY WEBER

Jeffrey Weber illustrated by Bob Wynne

Pandemic Side Effects A Tragic Comedy of Unintended Consequences

Jeffrey Weber illustrated by Bob Wynne Headline Books, Inc. Terra Alta, WV

Pandemic Side Effects A Tragic Comedy of Unintended Consequences by Jeffrey Weber illustrated by Bob Wynne copyright ©2021 Jeffrey Weber All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any other form or for any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording or any information storage system, without written permission from Headline Books, Inc. To order additional copies of this book or for book publishing information, or to contact the author: Headline Books, Inc. P.O. Box 52 Terra Alta, WV 26764 www.HeadlineBooks.com Tel: 304-789-3001 Email: mybook@headlinebooks.com ISBN 13: 9781951556594

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021939178

P R I N T E D I N T H E U N I T E D S TAT E S O F A M E R I C A

For my tribe: Michelle, Jerold, Jason, Jayme, Jordan, Madison, Cole, Julien, Jay & Jon.

Introduction I wonder if I will ever see “normal” again. Maybe I’ll see, “The New Abnormal” - whatever that’s going to look like. Truthfully though, I don’t recognize the planet I live on anymore. Do you? I am a music producer and a music festival producer. Forty plus years. Then, the pandemic. And, just like that, I am no longer producing music or producing music festivals. My life is completely different now. I bet yours is, too. Oh, yes, I’m planning and scheming for when we can get back to... What? When? I notice the little things now – like my ever receding hairline (was my forehead always this large and shiny? Should I just rent out the large, blank expanse above my eyebrows for product placement?). I now notice my diet, too – a misnomer if there ever was one. And, when did my sock drawer become my mask drawer? My life seems to have taken a hard left due to the pandemic. My very existence is now a parade of unintended consequences. So, I started writing them down. These are observations taken from my day to day nonsense. Seems like lots of my friends are experiencing the same nonsense that I’m going through. Actually, it’s the same nonsense we’re all going through. 5

So, I wrote some of them down. I cope better through laughter. I survive better through laughter. I heal better though laughter. Perhaps, you do as well. Jeffrey Weber March, 2021

You begin missing people you don’t even like.

My goal for 2021 was to lose 10 pounds. I have only 14 more to go.

I’m at a place where errands are starting to count as going out.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

Women who are carrying a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

I’ve become a Napaholic. I take a nap before and after I take a nap.

I wake up in my own bed, but I still don’t know what day it is or what city I’m in.

When running out of patience counts as cardio.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until I have to put on clothes and leave the house.

When you realize you used to be skinny when you thought you were fat, and now you’re actually fat. 17

My memory sucks. A thief broke into my house searching for money. I got up and searched with him.

Entering a bank with a mask on will never seem like normal, approved behavior.

I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

Senility will be has been a smooth transition for me.

I wake up on time but lay in bed until I’m late.

I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

I can’t tell if I sustained an injury or that’s just how I am now.

I miss bringing a bottle of wine as a gift to someone’s house, knowing that it’s for me to drink. 25

I cannot believe I have to be an adult for the rest of my life.

My age tricks people into thinking I know what I’m talking about.

One day I’m loving my solitude, working out by myself, learning how to bake and the next day I’m crying and drinking gin for breakfast.

I don’t even have mental health any more. I’m just mental.

From the neck up, I’m 12. From the neck down…well…we’re not talking.

My body keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

“Because I don’t want to” is now a good enough reason.

I’m getting tired of being a part of a major historical event.

I sleep like a baby knowing my ex is ruining someone else’s life.

I didn’t realize how old I was until I sat on the floor and then tried to get back up.

I got heavier because there’s a lot more information in my head. Not…

I finally found out I’M the reason why I’m so broke.

I’ve discovered I hate speaking to people every day.

I’m productive for 20 minutes, followed by a 12 hour break.

Why am I still ordering clothes online? Where am I going?

Taking a nap does not make my problems go away. WTF?

Every day I wake up and begin the 16 hour process of getting ready for bed.

PDA’s (Personal Displays of Affection) with my wife are challenging ever since she began wearing a mask and gloves to bed.

My wife’s new lingerie now comes in a Hazmat suit package.

I now answer every marketing call from a hotel chain offering a free weekend stay for listening to a 90 minute time-share presentation.

I actually look forward to going to the dentist.

I haven’t been to the dry cleaners in a year.

My wardrobe changes weekly now, not daily.

I’ve rediscovered actual, physical books.

When I was young, I wanted to be older. Can I change my mind?

I take out the trash weekly, not daily.

My days are backwards. I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

It’s harder than ever to justify folks losing their jobs while professional athletes continue to sign dizzyingly lucrative contracts.

I’m not as worried about the IRS as much as I used to be. Maybe that’s because I no longer have any income.

Standing in line waiting to shop at Trader Joe’s has now become a hangout.

On the rare occasion when I leave the house to run some errands, I always find a parking place directly in front of my destination. Go figure!

Why toilet paper? I don’t get it.

Laughter is the only vaccination that has proven to be 100% effective, 100% of the time.

I’m not in a hurry anymore.

Date night has now become online shopping takeback day.

A thousand piece jigsaw puzzle is not a challenge anymore.

I have made a list of every restaurant in the city I’m going to the moment I can.

I have very little need for new razor blades at the moment.

Forget tech! Food delivery services have become the millionaire making darlings of the stock market.

I binge watch MrBeast YouTube Videos.

Our next generation will be raised by day drinkers.

Buying a lottery ticket has become my new retirement strategy.

The anticipation of senior day at Costco is overwhelming.

Coordinating the color of my mask with my daily wardrobe choice is a time suck.

Reading my junk mail is now a source of intrigue and possibility.

I have a different mask for every occasion.

I’ve loaded up on “work at home” apps. Now, all I need is the “work.”

We’ve self-isolated for so long, my wife now thinks I look really cute.

I am officially removing the word, “virtual” from my vocabulary.

No sex for a year.

For those approaching middle age, “Zoom” will always be a verb - not a communication technology software program. 76

It’s been over fifty weeks without a hug.

My video conference wardrobe includes an appropriate dress shirt, shorts, flip flops and a green screen.

I’ve seen every show on Netflix. Twice.

During this time of nothing, I now specialize in procrastination.

I’ve gone through two toenail clippers.

I’ve finally created an earthquake emergency kit. It’s too heavy to lift.

My grooming habits are better while on a video conference than when I leave the house.

I actually know the name and channel number of every cable channel in my bundle.

Vacuuming my house has taken the place of long walks on the beach.

I don’t feel guilty NOT socializing with my neighbors.

My deodorant sticks last a lot longer these days.

I cut the mold off my bread rather than go shopping.

Video conferencing is a highlight of my day because I can put on my lipstick, eyelashes and do my nails.

I have abandonment issues if my cell phone isn’t in the same room as I am.

I read email threads out loud, pretending they’re actual conversations.

AND, FINALLY, OUR SPECIAL BONUS PANDEMIC SIDE EFFECT:

Why would I drive 9 minutes to the store to purchase half a gallon of milk for $3.18, when, for an extra $28.50, I can have it delivered right to my front door?!

Acknowledgments Clearly, everyone on our beleaguered planet has experienced some sort of side effect or has altered their behavior due to the pandemic. A few friends and family members knew what I was up to, yet, it still wasn’t enough to deter them from sinking into my muck and offering their two cents. I am forever grateful to my partners in grime: • May Fong • Gary Lux • Carl Rosenberg • Phil Savenick • Ken Stewart • Cathy Teets I would imagine no one wants to see Volume 2 of this book. I certainly hope there is no need for it. But, on the off chance that we as a people make yet another series of unimaginably misguided decisions, be assured, I will, with the kind permission of my publisher, publish yet another volume of self-effacing humor and unintended consequences for your immediate scorn and abject dismissal. If you wish to jump into the deep end with me, please feel free to email me (jeffw@starkravinggroup.com) some of your own pandemic side effects. They may end up in the next book, if there is one. If they do, you will receive credit as a contributor as well as a complimentary copy of the book. You won’t even have to pay for postage. 93

About the Author

Grammy winner and award-winning author, Jeffrey Weber is a highly celebrated, music industry professional. In addition to being an in-demand music festival and concert producer, he has produced over 200 albums with releases on just about every major label as well as a host of independent labels. Along the way, his projects have garnered many honors, including two Grammys, seven Grammy nominations, seventeen top ten albums, two number one albums, and his first book, You’ve Got A Deal: The Biggest Lies in the Music Industry, is a Next Generation Indie Book Award Winner. Pandemic Side Effects is his fourth book. He has three children, three grandchildren and lives with his wife, Michelle, in Southern California where he is working on a crime novel loosely based around one of his recording sessions.

About the Illustrator

Bob Wynne is a highly respected, independent graphic designer/illustrator. His graphic design efforts have been the recipient of numerous graphics awards over the years. Bob works primarily in the entertainment and music industries. In addition to graphic design, he’s also an accomplished artist and painter. A transplanted east coaster, he currently resides in the NoHo Arts District of North Hollywood, CA with his wife, Jennifer, and their two rescued cats. For a look at both his art and graphic design, visit www.wynnegraphicmedia.com.

Check out Jeffrey’s other books:

Available at www.HeadlineBooks.com