Wines

Grape Expectations by Max Crus

God save the Queen

So said that great anthem by the Sex Pistols, and that other one that we sang as kids every day at school assembly. Talk about brain washing, but how apt the words

Long to reign over us.

And what an incredible reign. What an incredible woman. Noble, gracious, happy and glorious according to the song yet still head of all Commonwealth nations, meeting Prime Ministers weekly, 15 of them, for 70 years, throwing garden parties every day for strangers, sending telegrams to every Tom, Dick and Harriet who turned 100 or stayed married for a million years, putting up with blokes in funny hats stomping around outside her front gate every day, having all those jewels but not enough functions to wear them.

A life of privilege is hard yakka.

Sure you get the finest things at the click of a finger, and your curtains ironed every day, but imagine being on your best behaviour, always, making small talk with millions of minions wherever you go, always under guard, no time alone, even in your own home, and never being able to fart with impunity.

Even when creating Dutch ovens in bed with the Duke there were ladies in waiting giggling in their chambers next door. Sadly, things must change. Indeed changes began immediately as King Charles III ascended the throne the instant of his mum’s death and we now have a monarch named after a breed of dog, a stupid one at that. Just doesn’t have a regal ring to it. All parliamentarians immediately downed tools for a week. Not sure why. Surely only the 30 percent coalition monarchists are entitled enough to get a doctor’s certificate for the death of someone they didn’t even know. The Queen’s birthday will become the King’s and there’ll be a National Day of Mourning, another public holiday. Imagine the Business Council of Australia won’t be too happy about that.

And what about the money? Few people realise that any currency with a picture of the Queen on it is no longer legal tender. Please send all such coinage and notes to the address below and we will dispose of them.

Yes, the end of an era indeed, and the end of all normal media for at least a week, so let’s all raise our glasses to the dear old Queen, and what better beverage than Elizabeth’s favourite, gin and Dubonnet whatever that is. If you can’t find any Dubonnet, try these:

de iuliis Hunter Valley (LDR Vineyard) Shiraz Touriga 2019, $40.

Anyone who can spell de Iuliis should be given a free bottle. Lovely soft stuff from a quirky combination which lifts both grapes. The Queen would be amused. 9.4/10.

Farmerís Leap Padthaway Shiraz

2019, $25. This is a little way down the line of succession, perhaps the Prince Andrew of the Farmer’s family, worthy but out of the limelight.. Oooh, hang on, it’s nothing like Prince Andrew. Let’s go Prince Harry, the Prince of California.

9.4/10.

Monkey Place Creek Moscato 2022,

$28. Sometimes a refreshing spritz can take you by surprise, as did this. Confection characters lure you even as you fight them. This is alright and maybe a tad like Dubonnet, but donít put it in your gin.

9.1/10.

Farmerís Leap Padthaway Random Shot Shiraz 2020,

$18. The Queen enjoyed a few random shots up at Balmoral apparently, and I’m sure she would have enjoyed this. Pretty good value, a term with which Her Majesty was completely unfamiliar.

9.3/10.

Wolf of the Willows (Victoria) Lark Barrel Aged Imperial JSP IV, 2021, $22

(per can). Aged in Lark whisky barrels, this costs a million dollars so only Royals can drink it regularly, but itís worth it if you can marry in. A truly delicious beer (Johnny Smoke Porter), possibly the best in the country, and a great gift for Charlie’s coronation. 9.8/10.

Monkey Place Creek Shiraz 2015, $28. This is a wine full of nostalgia, perfect for the occasion. A flashback to Paris bistros, where soft old wines played second fiddle to the fact you were in a Paris bistro, but worthy nevertheless. Have this anywhere and think of Paris, and the Queen. 9.3/10.