How British Are You?

What it’s really like to be BRITISH

eye Giggles IF YOU DON’T NOD YOUR HEAD AND SAY “YEP’, I’VE DONE THAT... THE CHANCES ARE - YOU’RE NOT BRITISH!

TRAVEL • Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”. • Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit.

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it. • Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand.

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.

• Saying hello to a friend in a shop, then creeping around like a burglar and hiding behind anything you can to avoid seeing them again. • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change. • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”. • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands. • Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck. THE SHOPS

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink.

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit.

GENERAL GOOFINESS

• Deeming it necessary to always stride across a zebra crossing Imagining you’re recreating the cover of Abbey Road. • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible.

AT HOME

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it. • “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”.

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether. • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing. • Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again. • The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up. • Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again.

I had to clean my house for 2 hours just to tell guests “sorry for the mess”

MORE GOOFINESS

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’.

Amelia, not Emily grrrr

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it. • Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”. • Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best.

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever.

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever.

TEA!

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about. • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake. • Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot.

Caramel Apple Vodka Food & Drink eye

September is Apple season. They’re everywhere this year - it really looks like a bumper harvest! Once you’ve made pies, crumble and had a bash at a tarte tatin, how about having a go at this simple but delicious recipe Ingredients: 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 cup water 1 large apple (or two small) peeled, cored, diced 2 cups (about 500ml) vodka

Equipment: Heavy bottom sauce pan 1.5 pint mason jar Bottle with lid

Peel, core and dice a large apple (or two small) and put into a 1.5 pint mason jar. In a saucepan, pour in the sugar and water and cook on medium high heat until it reaches a light amber colour. DO NOT STIR. Just let it hang out and melt together and bubble away. Once it reaches the colour of caramel CAREFULLY pour over the apple mixture. Let it sit for 5 minutes. Fill up the jar the rest of the way with vodka (about 500ml) It may take more or less depending on how much room the apples take.

Let it sit in the fridge for three days. Open, drain and enjoy!

Want to give it as a gift? Pour it into a pretty bottle, add a label/tag and you’re good to go! It’s so simple, so delicious!

We’re e x p a n d i n g Hiring!

Now that things are beginning to get back to (err) normal, we’re resuming our pre-COVID plans to share the community love and expand the area’s favourite award-winning community lifestyle magazine into new geographical areas with a number of new titles. About time too, many will say - exciting times!

As such, we have two immediate roles to fill...

EXPERIENCED MEDIA SALES EXECUTIVE We are currently seeking an ambitious pt-ft (tbd), driven and passionate media sales executive who can grow, impress and progress, within our small and exciting company. The role will largely be phone-based and the successful candidate's principal task will be selling advertising solutions to sole traders, SMEs and ‘locallybased’ larger organisations across the West Berkshire, North Hampshire and South Oxfordshire region. This will require the ability to continuously seek and identify new sales leads and the confidence to turn cold leads or prospects into new clients for Village Eye’s varied range of promotional solutions.

ABOUT YOU. You are fun to be around, outgoing, and will have a proactive positive outlook. You’ll be a great self-starting team player and ‘buzzing’ with ideas. You will have the spark and passion to work collectively to achieve big things! Ideally, your background will be in media sales, but if you’re good at what you do and you have a proven track record in other areas, don’t let that stop you applying... It’s the personality we seek - people buy people, first and foremost. WHAT WE’LL GIVE YOU When you work with us, you’ll receive a fair and attractive basic rate with a targeted, generous uncapped commission. Working from an idyllic location in the Berkshire countryside, we will provide everything you need to make your role a success. We’re not a huge corporate, so we’re not offering cars, phones and expensive incentive trips to Mexico - but what we can offer is a fun and vibrant environment to work in; a job which doesn’t give you the Sunday night blues and an opportunity to grow as we do. A chance to really be happy at work.

If you think you’d be a good fit and would like to come and join our growing happy team, to find out more, please email a copy of your CV and tell us a little bit about yourself. We’re all ears. Hellen@villageeye.co.uk

Strictly no agencies

WARNING

Advertising Grow your in this magazine will *Limited availability for OCTOBER Autumn/Winter bookings being taken now! BUSINESS! LOW COST LOCAL ADVERTISING THAT WORKS

To find out more or book your adverts, call 0118 933 3311 or email hello@villageeye.co.uk www.villageeye.co.uk

INTERNSHIP GRAPHIC DESIGN, ADMIN & SOCIAL MEDIA 30 hrs p/w (hours flexible) We are all about creating opportunities here at the Eye. If you’ve just left Uni and are finding that the current crisis has put an unexpected barrier in the way of your future career in the creative/ media industry, then we’d like to offer you some valuable experience whilst you’re waiting for the job market to recover. YOU’LL HAVE: Experience with Adobe Creative Suite (InDesign & Photoshop essential) Artistic imagination, flair & drive Knowledge of social media platforms An understanding of Wordpress Great communication skills A sense of humour Willingness to roll your sleeves up and get on A reputation for making a mean cuppa A means of transport to get to us (we’re rural)

IN RETURN We’ll provide you with a solid ‘gap year’ of supported experience across a gambit of media platforms. We’ll pay your expenses and a fair sum to cover your weekend fun... As an awardwinning magazine, we’ll give you the opportunity to expand your print design experience and gain valuable skills in administration, communication and learn about being a team member. We also own and run a full TV studio which will occasionally provide our successful candidate with experience in the world of film and TV. To apply, have a bash at creatively redesigning this job spec and above advert and email it to hellen@villageeye.co.uk telling us a little bit about yourself.

eye Be a part of it

We’ll keep you updated on social at: /villageeyemagazine

www.villageeye.co.uk | 0118 933 3311

Fewer Babies, More Saving….

Saving is of course something we all do. Even if it is perhaps not a conscious activity we are all likely to be a member of our workplace pension or at the very least paying National Insurance contributions and thus accumulating a State pension. (As a slight aside, you can check the State pension you have accrued at https://www.gov.uk/check-statepension and if you haven’t got a full State pension you can pay extra in to get one, which in most cases represents good value for money.) Many of our clients come to us to ask about saving for the future, particularly for retirement. It’s a bit of a minefield trying to work out world and its resources and it may indeed help reduce poverty in some parts of the world. This potential good news should also come with some warnings of how the economy might behave if fertility predictions become a reality. Although a complex subject, one factor to consider is what is called the ‘age dependency ratio’. Simply described this is the ratio of working people to non-working people. Working people pay the bulk of tax revenues which support, amongst other things, the retired. A potential problem here is that if people are living longer in retirement (partly assisted by

Make provision for the things you love

(with a little help from us)

Zoom & Socially Distanced Face to Face appointments available

Personalised Financial Planning

For an initial consultation call us on: 0118 987 6655

info@blueskyifas.co.uk www.blueskyifas.co.uk

BLUESKY Chartered Financial Planners is a trading style of BLUESKY Independent Financial Advisers LLP which is authorised and Regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority.’

what you have, what you need and if you have enough and I’d like to think that we’ve got pretty good at helping clients understand all this and helping them make changes where necessary.

I recently read some research about falling global fertility rates.

Researchers at the University of

Washington’s Institute for Health

Metrics have showed that since 1950 global fertility rates nearly halved to 2.4 in 2017. This figure means that the average number of children that women are giving birth to is 2.4 and if the number falls below about 2.1 then the population will start to fall. Indeed the Institute’s projected figures are that fertility rates will fall to 1.5 by 2100.

Some might suggest that the fall in fertility rates is great news for the 18

ever more expensive healthcare) and there are less people working to pay taxes then the books may not balance. Increasing taxation and State retirement ages are strategies that we are already seeing but expect more measures as the age dependency ration worsens. The summary of this is that the Social Security system introduced in 1945 to protect us from ‘cradle to grave’ may fall short of its intention. Understanding and taking ownership of our own financial futures is now of increasing importance. It’s time to plan and not rely on others. Mark

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NO FAULT DIVORCE

On

8th June 2020, the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Bill passed through the Commons by 231 votes to 16, having already passed through the House of Lords in March. This is arguably the biggest change in the law relating to divorce for nearly half a century. The current law is governed by the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, which only allows couples to divorce within the first two years of separation if one party can show that the other party has either committed adultery or their spouse had behaved unreasonably and one of these factors led to the end of the marriage. The new law, which is expected to come into effect in Autumn 2021, will take away any need to place ‘blame’ on either party for the breakdown of the marriage. In recent years, lawyers have worked hard to try to reduce conflict in the divorce process, by encouraging clients to include very mild examples of behaviour in their divorce petitions. However, in the recent case of Owens, a husband successfully prevented the divorce proceeding, by challenging the seriousness of his wife’s allegations against him. This forced lawyers to cite more serious allegations to ensure that divorces were successful, which has undoubtedly led to more acrimonious divorces for couples, already in a difficult situation. Under the new law, couples will be able to proceed with a divorce based solely on an agreement that their marriage has irretrievably broken down. Critics suggest that making the divorce process easier may lead to more divorces. I truly hope that it will result in less confl ict at the outset of the divorce process, so that the parties can focus on the issue of caring for any children of the marriage, finances and coming to terms with the heartbreak of the relationship itself breaking down.

Julie Gallimore offers a fixed fee consultation for £180; meetings can be held using Telephone, Zoom, Skype orTeams.

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