Letting Go of Guilt and Shame

Written by SARAH SCHIFFRES-GROVE

Shame is perhaps one of the most uncomfortable emotions you may experience. We’ve all been there. No other emotion has the ability to make you feel like you’ve been shrunken down to half your size and just want to disappear. Shame is a common reaction to guilt. Research professor Brene Brown says, “Guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done, or failed to do, up against our values, and feeling psychological discomfort.” The anecdote for guilt is to stop engaging in the behavior that led to those guilty feelings, make amends and work on forgiving ourselves.

Because guilt can be transformative, you might conclude that shame can also be healthy. Think of this – sociopaths are notorious for being so cutoff from the experience of shame that they hurt people again and again, seemingly without batting an eye. Behaving this way is not sustainable, though, if we prefer living in a society where our basic needs for safety are met.

When shame becomes unhealthy (or toxic) however, it is no longer beneficial and can lead to many problems. Toxic shame is an emotion that occurs in reaction to a perception of self-defectiveness. If we believe, “I did something bad, therefore the core of my being is bad,” that’s toxic shame. Depressed? Always anxious? Low self-esteem? That’s likely toxic shame. As a mental health therapist, I spend a lot of my time helping people learn to untangle from years of toxic shame.

Root Causes of Toxic Shame

Adverse childhood experiences.

This might mean having a primary attachment figure, who relied heavily on shaming/verbal abuse as a means of modifying unwanted behaviors. Children are self-centered by their very nature. They absorb all external stimuli like a sponge, including hurtful messages from caregivers, especially if not balanced out by healthy doses of reassurance, unconditional love and caregivers taking accountability for their behaviors. I’m a mother of three. I’ll be the first to admit that at times I’ve been short-tempered or said something hurtful in a moment of frustration. At the same time, I make it a point to tell my children when I’ve messed up, normalize imperfection and encourage them to do the same.

Physical or sexual abuse.

Children often believe, “If only I was a better kid, these bad things wouldn’t happen to me.” Similarly, adults in abusive relationships might come to internalize their partner’s behaviors and fault themselves. Often those in abusive adult relationships are products of early childhood abuse, so there’s an abuse/shame cycle that takes a great deal of work to break.

Modeling by caregivers. If we had a parent who was unnecessarily hard on themselves and displayed toxic shame as the norm, it’s easy to find ourselves doing the same. Or, if we witnessed domestic violence in our formative years, often toxic shame is being modeled in that dynamic as well.

The influence of societal mes-

sages. We live in a culture that emphasizes winning and success above all else. I see it starting with my youngest clients, who feel pressure in school to be in higher level classes - talented and gifted, magnet, AP, etc. For some youth, this leads to feeling like a failure if they’re not at the top of their class (or sports team).

Individuals with physical or cog-

nitive disabilities. There is a societal belief that able bodied/minded people are “better.” The aging population is more susceptible to unhealthy shame, since our society is one that often views the elderly as disposable. Some LGBTQIA individuals face stigma from their family and religious communities and this can lead to toxic shame. And then there’s mental health and substance use disorders, where long-standing stigmas abound and often create barriers to treatment and limit individual support due to family shame.

Survivors of suicide. When someone chooses to end their life, it often leaves a gaping hole, full of questions for their loved ones. Many are inclined to turn inward, looking for answers, and will often ruminate about what they could’ve/should’ve done differently to prevent the tragedy. It is very important to remember that under no circumstances does the onus fall on anyone other than the individual who chose to end their life. Support groups and a compassionate therapist can be hugely beneficial for those enduring this type of loss.

“Engaging in activities that empower us and promote feelings of well-being and purpose can help to alleviate unhealthy shame.”

The Anecdote for Toxic Shame

While there is no one formula for “curing” unhealthy shame, a combination of self-compassion work, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and a warm, therapeutic relationship can be a good starting point.

Being able to share your experiences with a nonjudgmental therapist can help you start to peel away the layers of shame you’ve developed over the course of your life. Mindfulness can also be a wonderful practice in the context of self-compassion work. It is the process of learning to observe your thoughts and feelings, in real time, without judgment. Two wonderful and free resources on this subject are Kristin Neff’s self-compassion.org and Tara Brach’s tarabrach.com.

CBT helps you question the validity of your thoughts. We often assume, “I feel it/think it, so it must be true.” Speaker and author Byron Katie poses the Four Liberating Questions: 1) Is what I’m believing true? 2) Can I absolutely know that it is true? 3) How do I react when I believe that thought? and 4) Who would I be without the thought? This can be a useful exercise for examining if what we are feeling is actually guilt or toxic shame.

Engaging in activities that empower us and promote feelings of well-being and purpose can help to alleviate unhealthy shame. Simply modeling a gentler, more compassionate relationship with ourselves can help to reinforce a new way of thinking and foster the same in others. No matter how out of touch the idea of seeing ourselves as worthy may be, the reality is that the majority of us possess an innate goodness that deserves to be celebrated and nurtured.

Sarah Schiffres-Grove is a licensed clinical social worker at Brook Lane’s North Village outpatient office. She counsels individuals and families with a variety of concerns ranging from mood and anxiety disorders, to trauma, substance use and family conflict. Sarah earned a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Salisbury University, a master’s degree in social work from the University of Maryland and a master’s degree in Jewish communal service from Baltimore Hebrew University. She has been in the field of social work since 2005.