Cyrano de Bergerac by
joseph harper an unnecessary ebook
Introduction In France in the 1600s there was a man named Cyrano de Bergerac. He is one of my heroes kind of. He was famous for being really good at sword fights and also for having a big nose and also for being a man of letters. He wrote romance stories and love letters. He was a musketeer. He came from the Burgundy part of France, which is also where Jack Kerouac’s family came from. I actually think that Cyrano and
Jack Kerouac were pretty similar in that they both kind of embraced this supposed romance that they saw in the world and didn’t seem to care whether or not it was all in their head or not; it felt real and intoxicating enough to them. He only lived for thirty-six years, but he must have fought in heaps and heaps of duels. He could fight dozens of guys at the same time and still just absolutely annihilate them. Actually I don’t know if any of this stuff is true. I only know what I gathered from this play that was written about him in the late 19th century. In the play Cyrano is this super articulate guy who is also really revered. He has this massive
nose and is kind of sensitive about it. He just cuts people up if he thinks they are making fun of it. He is in love with this girl named Roxane who is his cousin. She likes this random guy named Christian though and convinces Cyrano to look after him. Then something happens so that Cyrano has to write these love letters and stuff like that and give them to Christian to give to Roxane so she will be wooed by him. (because that’s the kind of thing that is the most impressive to her). It’s a romantic comedy with a tragic ending. The play is the reason the word ‘panache’ became part of the English lexicon.
In real life Cyrano died in 1655. He died by a big piece of wood falling and hitting him in the head. I decided to rewrite some important scenes from Cyrano de Bergerac’s life.
I Cyrano is born A French woman is in labour in some little house that has a roof made of thatched hay. She is pushing out a baby. It has crowned. She is pushing really, really hard. There is a midwife. The midwife is feeding the woman red wine and sponging off her sweaty forehead with a piece of white cheese. “Come on baby.� says the woman.
“How much can you see of it?” “I can see all of its forehead. It has a good forehead.” “It feels like it’s stuck. Is something blocking it?” “No.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Jesus.” The woman is so sweaty. She is the
sweatiest woman of all time. She pushes and pushes and pushes and her face goes red and her hair starts to fall out and she is screaming like a big bird. The midwife doesn’t understand what is going on. She gets in really close to the woman’s private parts to see if she can figure it out. Then she sees that the baby is actually being blocked by its own massive nose. She says, “Oh. Its nose is stopping it from getting out.” “What?” “Yeah.”
“Oh. What can we do?” “Um. I could cut off its nose?” “No. God no. I’m not having some freak kid with no nose.” “It’s pretty big. I mean. He’ll probably look kind of freakish anyway.” “How do you now its a boy?” “Because of his haircut.” “Oh. Okay. I’ll try to push one more time and if it doesn’t come out then you can cut off the nose.”
“Okay. Cool.” She pushes the biggest push of any pregnant person and the baby rips through her and out onto the floor. All of the woman’s insides fall out of her and she dies. The midwife vomits and runs away. The baby is left to raise itself.
II Cyrano and Roxane as little kids
Cyrano is four years old. He has enrolled himself in kindergarten and is sitting in a sand-pit with his sexy cousin Roxane (also four years old). He has a toy sword and an orange. She has big eyes. He says, “Do you want some orange?�
“Yes. Thanks Cyrano.” she says. They sit there eating orange. Roxane plays with a digger. Cyrano looks at her and is in love with her. A group of three mothers come up to them. “God.” says one mother. “Yeah.” says another. “That baby is disgusting because of its nose.” “Please don’t be mean about my nose.” says Cyrano. “Please. It’s really not nice.” and the mothers all laugh and one of them pokes his nose and
they laugh way way more. Cyrano becomes angry and takes his toy sword and slashes at one of the mothers’ shin. He cuts “CYRANO WAS HERE” into it. They mothers all run away. Cyrano is breathing heavily and crying and grunting and his eyes are all bloodshot. Roxane licks the orange juice off of her fingers then pats Cyrano on the head. The blood drains out of Cyrano’s eyes and he calms down. He looks at Roxane and she is the best thing that exists.
III Cyrano is a fearsome adult and poetic guy
Cyrano is an adult musketeer and is surrounded by a group of admirers and is eating a macaroon and laughing. His friend Ligniere comes up to him. Ligniere says, “Hello Cyrano.” “Hello.”
“Um. Can you help me?” “What?” “I need a place to sleep tonight. Can I sleep at your house?” “Why?” “I can’t go home because there is this group of about one-hundred soldier guys who want to munt me up.” “Oh.” “So can I stay at your house.”
Cyrano twiddles his moustache and eats the macaroon. He says, “No. But I’ll fuck up those hundred guys for you.” “Really?” “Yeah, sure.” “Why?” “I feel like it’ll be good. I want to show my panache. I’ll be furious, and glitter like lightning, so, I need a whole army, to bring them to their knees!
I’ve ten hearts: twenty arms: it’s not enough for me to split paltry dwarves in two... I must have giants!” “Okay. Then.” A group of musketeers who are friends with Cyrano come up to him. “We’ll fight with you Cyrano.” they say. “NO.” says Cyrano. “Just me.” “I all alone, beneath this plume that Glory herself lends to adorn my hat, proud as a Scipio, and triply-
nosed at that! ... - You understand? It’s forbidden to interfere! One, two three! Porter, open the doors! We’re here! Ah! ... Paris there, nocturnal, nebulous almost: over blue sloping roofs where moonlight flows: a set prepared, exquisitely, for this scene: there, beneath veils of vapour, is the Seine, a magic mirror filled full with mystery, that trembles…And you’ll see what you will see!”
“Man. You are really cool, Cyrano.” says Ligniere. “Yeah. Okay. Lets go.” says Cyrano and he walks off and is followed by all the admirers. They all sing a song about Cyrano’s panache.
IV Roxane doesn’t love
Cyrano and Christian is an idiot Cyrano and Roxane are hanging out. She says, “So. I’m in love.” “Yeah?” (hopeful).
“Yeah. With Christian.” “Yeah?” (dejected). Cyrano internalises his grief. He will punch himself in the thigh fifty times when he gets home. All his fluids bubble and turn into steam and fill him up up up and his nose grows three inches. “I want you to look after him because all the other musketeers hate him.” “Jeez. Okay. I guess I will.” Cyrano is real real dark. “Cool. Thanks Cyrano.” She pats him on the head. He boils and boils and a
little bit of steam actually comes out of his left ear. “Okay,” she says, “I’m going to get some bread. Do you need anything?” “No. Thanks.” She leaves and Cyrano just stands there and is quiet and thoughtful and sad. Then Christian comes over to him. He says, “Hello Cyrano.” “Hi.” “Man. Your cousin’s pretty great.” “Yeah. Obviously.”
“Yeah. So. I kind of, y’know, like her.” “Oh yeah?” “Yeah.” “Cool.” “Yeah. I mean. She’s really great.” “She’s beyond great. She’s like the moon or something. She’s celestial.” “Yeah. Hey, I really want to impress her. But I don’t know how to write poetry or do any of the stuff that she likes.”
“Right.” “Do you think you could help me?” “Jesus. Really?” “Please.” “Shit man. Okay. Um-” “She’s coming! Please?” “God. Okay. Just. Stand here, and I’ll hide behind this rock and I’ll tell you exactly what to say. Just say exactly what I say. Okay?”
“Okay. Thank you Cyrano.” Exit Cyrano behind a rock. Roxane comes in. Christian halts her. He speaks to her really soft and coy and cute like a little dog. Every line and sentiment is fed to him by Cyrano. “So. Roxane. Um. I wanted to say. Love grew within rocked in my anxious soul… which that…cruel boy took for…… a cradle! This ... new-born babe Madame’s a young ... Hercules! So that he…strangled easily the twin
snakes, of ... Pride and…Doubt!” “That’s a pretty nice thing to say. But why are you stuttering? You sound like a friggen idiot with that stutter.” It’s not going that good and so Cyrano has an idea from behind the rock. He jumps out behind Roxane and uses his sword to cut her eyes up just a tiny bit (so they can heal) and then pushes Christian away and pretends to be him. Roxane has bloody eyes. He says, “Now I, I have a great heart, you, a tiny ear. Besides the words you speak fall swiftly here, mine climb,
Madame: that takes them quite a time! You don’t know what these moments are to me! Language has never launched itself till now from my heart, so truly. The moment comes, an inevitable one, and I grieve for those to whom it never comes, when we feel that a noble love’s within us. I love, I’m stifled, I love you! I’m maddened! No more: I tell you, your name in my heart’s a little bell and as I tremble, Roxane, all the time, so all the time the bell rings your name as its echo! I remember all about you, love all of it. Ah! How I’d give my happiness for yours, though, even though you yourself might never know if sometime
perhaps, far off, I might delight in the happy laughter born of my sacrifice! Each look of yours excites a new virtue, a new courage in me! Now at last do you, begin to see? For you yourself, do you allow? Can you feel my soul, at all, rise through the shadow… Oh! But truly this night’s too beautiful, too sweet! I saying all this to you, you listening, you, to me! Too sweet! In my dreams, even the least humble I never hoped for such! There’s nothing else to do but die now!” “Jesus.” she says. “Yeah.” he says.
“I am yours. You have intoxicated me.� Roxane reaches out her hands. Feeling about for a body. Cyrano dodges her advance and thrusts Christian into the midst. She grasps him and they kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and Cyrano looks at it and feels broken and dying. He walks off.
Vof Cyrano The death de Bergerac
It is 1655. Roxane loves Christian still. Cyrano is kind of bitter and middleaged. He is standing under a tall buiding. Maybe it’s a church. He’s just standing around, writing a sonnet or something. A pigeon lands on a wooden gargoyle. It sits for a bit. It pecks at the ticks and the termites in
the gargoyle. It says, “coup coup.” It flaps off suddenly and the force and surprise of its violent wings set the gargoyle wobbling. It wobbles and wobbles and wobbles and falls. It falls at terminal velocity at Cyrano de Bergerac. It hits his skull and breaks it. Blood comes out of Cyrano’s nose like a heavy tide. His eyes roll back. His brain is smashed. Roxane comes running over. She cradles her dead cousin and pats the hole in his head, trying to cap it. She has big eyes and they are sad. Later she finds out that Cyrano wrote
all the love letters Christian ever gave her and fed him the poetry he used to make her love him. Everybody in France is unhappy for a while.
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