Herald v4 i1 nov2013

“...Know that every deed counts, that every word is power...”

—Abraham Joshua Heschel

VOLUME 4, ISSUE 1

Thanksgivukkah: an Astronomical Compound Holiday

By Theo Canter

Heschel Heat Wins AIPSL Soccer Championship

by Jonas Plaut THE HESCHEL HEAT wins the AIPSL soccer championship!

The Heat dominated the league for the entire season with a perfect 9-0 record! During the season, the Heat beat rival Rodeph Sholom twice, once during the season and the other in the championship game! The Heat won 2-0 thanks to the superb playing of all team members. This is the first championship for the veterans on the team who have played since sixth grade.

The season started with no one knowing what to expect. Most of the team members from last year were made up of eighth graders so there was a lot of attrition. This year’s team therefore comprised a few veterans and many new players. The season began auspiciously with a 3-0 win over Mandell. Benji Ashley and Zev Davis both scored to the cheers of the team and Coach, Rick Munn. That victory was immediately followed with wins over Stephen Gaynor, Manhattan Country School, and Rodeph Sholom. In the Gaynor game, Madison Verschleiser had an incredible goal off a corner kick. Jonah Tetzeli, Benji Ashley,

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THIS YEAR, FOR the first time since 1888, Thanksgiving eve will be the first night of Hanukkah. Due to the complexity of the Jewish Lunisolar calendar, this will be the last time until the year 79,811 when the two holidays overlap.

This improbable happening is the earliest that Hanukkah can ever fall according to the Jewish Calendar, and the only instance for approximately 3890 generations. Many people have prepared to observe this holiday through clever combinations of the holiday rituals associated with both.

One of them, the “Menurkey,” is a

NOVEMBER 2013

No Secrets: From Textbook To Facebook When have schools crossed the line in monitoring students on the internet?

By Abigail Sylvor-Greenberg A PRE-TEEN GIRL is called into the principal’s office. Thoughts swirl through her head as she sits down nervously, trying to figure out what she has done wrong. Bad grades? Did I hand in my homework on time? But the reason she is here stretches far beyond the reaches of the the classroom…. This classic scene now has a twist to it, thanks to the way that social media has infused teenagers’ lives, both in school and beyond.

Over the past decade, sites like Myspace, Twitter, and Facebook have become a platform for teenaged angst, socializing, and expression, but at the same time, it has, in some circles, become a place where “anything goes.”

Cyberbullying and internet threats, as well as displays of inappropriate or unlawful behavior have become rampant among teens on the internet. It is clear to schools across the country that internet behavior Menorah shaped like a turkey with each should be monitored. But when does “feather” holding a candle. Other people

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Better Out Than In: Banksy Invades New York City

By Theo Canter ON OCTOBER 1, 2013, in the middle of the night, a mysterious man walked up to an exposed wall of a building in Lower Manhattan, and with the utilization of stencils, spray paint, and street signs, painted a mural depicting two men spray painting over a sign reading “Graffiti Is a Crime.” This mysterious man is known by many as Banksy, an internationally famous street artist from Bristol, England.

Over the past few years, he has appeared throughout the world from Melbourne to Gaza. Part of Banksy’s famous persona is his clandestine figure- he goes solely by his street art name, and has never publicly shown his face. However, he has been interviewed by both The Village Voice and The Guardian, and produced an autobiographical film, Exit Through The Gift Shop in which he was interviewed live, though his face was not visible.

He Can’t Tell You He’s Lost

By Nina Glesby, Noa Bregman & Sabina Sternklar Davis AVONTE OQUENDO, A fourteen year old boy from Queens, has been missing since October 4th. Avonte is severely autistic and cannot communicate verbally. He was last seen in the Center Boulevard Public School in Long Island City, Queens. When he ran out of his school, surveillance video cameras saw him leaving in a grey striped shirt, black jeans, and black sneakers. Avonte’s family said that he is 5 feet, 3 inches tall, and weighs roughly 125 pounds.

Avonte Oquendo’s mother said that trains fascinate him. All 468 New York City subway stations have been searched by the NYPD, and subway alerts and city papers are all saying, “ Have you seen Avonte Oquendo?”

Bloodhounds have also found his scent

The work portraying two men that Banksy announced on his blog, banksyny.com, was the first installation of his month-long residency on the streets of all five

boroughs of New York. Banksy has titled his month long, October stay in New York , Better Out Than In. He intends to

near a subway station. On the streets, police officers have been playing a recording of his mother saying, “Avonte, this is your mother, you are safe, walk toward the lights.” Avonte Oquendo's mother, Vanessa Fontaine, still believes that he is alive, and that someone is probably holding him. The reward for finding Avonte Oquendo is $90,000 and increasing rapidly.

Over the past four weeks and counting, hundreds of leads have been filed by New Yorkers trying to support the search. None of these leads have helped very much, with photos and videos of people closely resembling Avonte Oquendo frequently surfacing around news sites and the internet.

Ms. Fontaine and Daniel Oquendo, Avonte’s father, are suing the city, which they claim is responsible for the fact that the public school Avonte attended did not

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convey both political and social messages, as well as abstract and expressionistic murals for the duration of the month of October.

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have an alarm system in place. The parents feel that had there been an alarm, Avonte, who had a history of running away, might have been prevented from leaving his school.

The parents refuse to lose hope and continue to live out of a tent near the school, encouraging volunteers to help them keep the search alive, particularly as New York City weather gets colder. If you have any information that could help in locating Avonte Oquendo, or have seen him, report it to the NYPD immediately.

November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

The Treachery of Images Art Review

By Marc Schorin IN THE 1920’S, from the Dada artistic movement of the early 20th and late 19th centuries, the Surrealist movement emerged, a group that embraced the abnormal and the subconscious of the human mind. A few famous Surrealists include: Salvador Dalí, Joan Miró, and René Magritte. What distinguished such artists from others of the time period were their techniques of representing life as they uniquely saw it. Magritte, in particular, used the juxtaposition of words and objects, titles, and images in his paintings to reveal his ideas about human nature. A singular technique that Magritte used was to place seemingly contradictory words and objects together to break our perception of reality and how paintings try to represent reality. This can be seen in his famous work The Treachery of Images, which is a painting of a pipe, and underneath the pipe it is written, “Ceçi n’est pas une pipe. or, “This is not a pipe.” Although it may seem blatantly false, one must consider what he is referring to by “this.” Does he mean the phrase “this is not a pipe,”

“In The Rain” Rain falls down and down and d r i p s off the green awning onto a black u m b r e l l a under which, stands a man in a black bowler hat and trench coat. begins to dance, and jump, and laugh.

Please note: On view at MOMA through Jan.12, 2014- there is an exhibit, Magritte: The Mystery of the Ordinary, 1926-1938. Make a point to see his art for yourself.

by Tova Kleiner

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A man who seems so business-like, and cold, breaks into a maniacal grin, as he lives life to its fullest in the rain.

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Treachery of Images Continued from page 3 does he refer to the paint, or does he want to represent the painting itself? In a letter to a friend, he reasoned that since a pipe is an object that one can use to smoke, and one cannot use a painting of a pipe to smoke, the “pipe” pictured is not a pipe. By using this method of logic, he defies the original idea that a painting represents the actual object.

René Magritte also used the titles of his paintings to add to the enigma of his depictions. He always strove to think of a poetic, meaningful title, and an example of this can be seen in his work entitled “The Empty Mask,” in which a frame similar to the back of a canvas is seen divided into sections, and in each section a word or phrase is written, such as “sky,” or “façade of a house,” but there is no corresponding image, or even an image at all, along with the word. At first we may be led to believe that Magritte wants to show a bunch of random words, but his title The Empty

Mask forces us to think that maybe he wants to demonstrate how a painter cannot fully capture anything in a painting, and so to make up for this flaw, Magritte allows the viewers to paint the images in their imaginations.

In the painting Clairvoyance, Magritte shows an artist (himself, in fact) painting a bird, using an egg as his model. The idea is that the painter sees the egg, and uses clairvoyance, or “a sixth sense,” to predict what the bird will look like in the future.

This may be an attempt to show that humans will always try to look for the best in all situations, for instead of seeing a plain egg that may not even contain a bird, the painter sees a beautiful, full grown bird taking flight. This is an example of how René Magritte used images to reveal his ideas regarding human nature.

Magritte was also influenced by the times in which he lived. An example of this is Magritte’s work titled, On the Threshold of Liberty, in which framed symbolic images are threatened by a cannon ready to fire. Viewers have noticed that the cannon is of a WWI design, with “MAGRITTE” printed on its bottom right corner, as if that was the name of the manufacturer. Perhaps this painting is a commentary about WWI and how we think of “Liberty,” and calls into question the justification of war as a fight for liberty and freedom.

The Belgian artist René Magritte used various techniques, among them seemingly random combinations of words and images, his usage of titles, and plain images demonstrated his fascination with the unconscious. In all of his art, even the seemingly nonsensical, he makes a deep connection to reality, and provides a message that may give a new and different view on life. As Magritte said, “images are treacherous.”

“Clairvoyance” On view at MOMA through Jan.12, 2014- there is an exhibit, Magritte: The Mystery of the Ordinary, 1926-1938.

Arts Around Town

By Tova Kleiner MAD, the Museum of Art and Design, has a new exhibit titled, Out of Hand: Materializing the Postdigital that is a unique and interesting installation. The MAD museum is located conveniently for Heschel students on 59th and Columbus Circle.This exhibit will be showing until July 6, 2014. The exhibit’s main focus is how artists use digital technology in their work.

When visitors first approach the building they might think, “what on earth is this huge metal sculpture and why does it somewhat resemble a deflated face?” What they will see is a sculpture by artist Richard Dupont that was indeed once the image of a face but that has been digitally distorted

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and transformed into a giant metal sculpture. Another piece in the exhibit that should be seen is called, Chair DNA. This work uses digital technology to figure out

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Music,Fashion,Museums, Poetry & Fiction

Banksy Invades New York Continued from page 2

“The Sirens Of the Lambs” Throughout October, Banksy would daily create stunning and clever works of art throughout the city, ranging from murals to sculptures to even moving installations.

One installation consisted of a fiberglass sculpture of Ronald McDonald with his shoes being shined by a live employee of Banksy. Another, “The Sirens Of The Lambs,” featured a slaughterhouse truck crammed with stuffed animals. An unknown figure, set on catching Banksy, installed a tracking device in the truck.

Banksy responded on his blog, “If you were the person who installed a tracking device in my truck, know that you are tracking a car service in Queens.” For a day, a stand was set up at Grand Army Plaza on 59th Street that sold original and authentic canvasses, signed by Banksy himself, for only $60.

Banksy

acknowledged that the stand was his doing, though he hired a third party figure to run the stand. He also wrote that, “This was a one-off. The stand will not be there tomorrow.”

Another important element of Banksy’s persona is his views on graffiti and

vandalism; he does not acknowledge that graffiti is vandalism. Mayor Bloomberg,

denounced in an editorial he himself sent to the New York Times. His editorial was not published, due to the controversy they thought would arise. Banksy currently faces charges of vandalism by the New York City Police Department, however, Banksy ended his October New York City visit and has returned to England. His final words to New York were, “Thanks for your patience. It’s been fun. Save 5pointz. Love you. Bye.” 5pointz, a warehouse for Halal food carts in Long Island City next to MoMA’s PS1, is a world mecca for graffiti artists, where with a permit, painting is legal. The structure is set to be razed in a matter of months, and graffiti artists throughout the world are working to protect the place they view as their “international graffiti haven.” Ironically, during the month of October, over the warehouse courtyard, a 5Pointz artist scrawled in huge letters, “Banksy is NOT here. But YOU are.”

Lastly, Banksy has made available on his website the, “official Banksy New York residency souvenir T shirt.”

Featuring his famous work of a heartshaped balloon covered in bandages, located in downtown Brooklyn until it was tagged over. However, he advises, “ you have to take the jpeg to a copy store and make it yourself.”

in a press release about his opinions on Banksy, said, “I support art throughout the city, but going up to someone else’s property and defacing it is not my definition of art. Graffiti ruins the status and morale of a city, even New York.”

Several of his works have been tagged over by other spray painters, including one in Brooklyn Heights facing One World Trade Center, which Banksy

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Arts & Fashion

Arts Around Town Continued from page 4

may create their own shapes by carving out of a digital spinning cylinder, and by poking their hands into a laser scanner.

This is an example of how digital technology and art can merge to create sculpture, by using technology. Though your creation will not be printed it will give you a perspective on how 3D printing works and its precision: an aspect that technology and art (sometimes) share. Although this exhibit may conflict with some people’s ideas of art, this is an amazing and unusual exhibit that connects two seemingly opposite worlds: the often cold world of technology and the raw, beautiful, soulful universe of art.

what the outcome would be if chairs were bred as living creatures. The artist combined the “genes” of famous chairs, such as ones designed by Verner Panton or Charles and Ray Eames. The result might not be your ideal chair but the process (which is shown in a video elsewhere in the exhibit) is interesting to see. Another example of artwork using digital technology is the Bone Armchair, an extraordinary work of art using computer mathematics. The artist, Joris Laarman, figured out the growth pattern of bones and found out how you could manipulate them into growing into the shape of a chair frame. It was then cast from the computer into marble. These are just a few examples of artwork using digital technology.

Once you have seen and fully processed the artwork you may choose to visit a different floor, where you can see a 3D printer, and can view the different Softkill Design Prototype for a 3Dmaterials used for 3D printing. Visitors Printed House

FASHION UPDATE: BEANIE SEASON

Urban Outfitters (Urbanoutfitters.com), Brandy Melville (Brandymelville.com) or American Apparel (Americanapparal.net).

By Jordana Levine and Livia K. Miller This season, as temperatures drop, celebs and teenagers alike are flocking toward a newly rediscovered accessory: the beanie. The beanie is a shlumpy looking hat, but thanks to some high-profile wearers, it has gained a new reputation as a chic winter partner in crime, aka accessory. Rihanna, for one, was spotted leaving her London hotel in a red and white striped beanie recently. Representing the men, Harry Styles of the popular band, One Direction, was recently photographed in a black beanie. Beanies do not only look fashionable, but indeed they also keep you warm. But beanies are not just for the famous- even you can find a beanie this winter. To start off your trendsetting, try looking in: Forever 21 (forever21.com)

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Find a Tzedakah Box & Give Generously

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Music Auto-tune: A Crime Against Music Or A Gift From the Gods?

By Benjamin Gale Platt AUTO-TUNE IS an audio processor used by many artists and their music producers to alter their voice and make it sound “pitch- perfect.” Some call it a gift from the gods, while others call it a crime against music. Those who find it a gift from the gods think that it only enhances the vocals, but others wonder how the vocals would turn out without auto-tune.

Leaked footage and technical breakdowns in live performances have proved that auto-tune cannot be a substitute for raw talent.

Auto-tune is a fairly new invention, however, its use in modern day music is immense. It is an audio processor created

by Antares Audio Technologies to alter pitch so as to correct off-key vocal tracks.

Many artists have used auto-tune and they have become known for its use. These artists include Nicki Minaj, T-Pain, Kesha, and Carly Rae Jepsen, just to

name a few. Some artists use it to “correct the pitch” of their real voice for both live or in-studio versions of their songs, while others use it to distinguish their style from other artists. Many DJ’s use auto-tune to make remixes.

T-Pain is a singer, songwriter, rapper, and musical artist whose first album in 2005 helped popularize the use of auto-tune to alter the artist’s voice and in order to produce a more distinct sound. T-Pain frequently uses auto tune to alter his voice beyond recognition in his songs, making auto-tune a musical genre in itself.

A song known for being completely auto-tuned is “Friday” by Rebecca Black; in this case Rebecca Black used auto-tune to completely change her voice. For this reason, “Friday” was not well received by the public; the auto-tuning was thought to be too pronounced, and was used to overpower her vocals, giving it a sound more computer generated than human.

Another utilization of auto-tune, common among DJ’s is using it for dubstep tracks. Many DJ’s use auto-tune in conjunction with other methods and sounds to create unique tracks that many people find very catchy and entertaining.

Samchillian: An Instrument With An Inventive Sound & Creator

Originally, Gruenbaum planned to trigger the samchillian via a traditional piano style keyboard, but with remapped functions. However, he later decided for functional and aesthetic reasons, to switch to an ergonomic keyboard made by Kinesis. “It allows the user to play quickly and spontaneously in any scale or key without having to relearn fingering patterns,” says Leon Gruenbaum. After giving the software away for free for a few years, Gruenbaum started selling it for $15 this year. To watch Gruenbaum play the samchillian at his Class of 1985 Harvard reunion in 2010, go to: http:// www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAAhQMU2918. It is not what you might expect. The sound is a cross between the guitar playing of Jimi Hendrix and heavy metal.

By Nina Glesby IN THE LATE 1980s, keyboardist and woodwind player Leon Gruenbaum had the idea to invent a musical keyboard based on musical intervals, in contrast to the traditional fixed pitch keyboard, where a key activates one specific note.

He named this instrument the Samchillian Tip Tip Tip Cheeepeeeee. Samchillian for short. The key/ interval assignments were decided on after Gruenbaum studied the alternate keyboard layout concepts of August Dvorak. This, according to Leon Gruenbaum’s own website, aptly named, samchillian.com.

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An ongoing phenomenon that popped up along with the widespread availability of auto-tune to the everyday artist is the creation of “auto-tune remixes” of everything from daily conversation, political speeches, and news stories. One example is, “Ain’t nobody got time for that”, an autotune remix of a news interview with “Sweet Brown”, a woman who woke up in the morning and discovered her neighbor’s house was on fire. Her response, “I ran out, I didn’t grab no shoes or nothin’...ain’t nobody got time fo that,” was turned into the chorus of a massively successful song on YouTube.

Overall, the public opinion about auto-tune depends on the reason for its use. Some people think that auto-tune is a great tool for everyday musicians, who do not have professional level recording studio instruments at their disposal; autotune allows them to expand their musical output. For example, an inexpensive program such as Garageband, allows its user to auto-tune a live track even if it is recorded from a computer microphone.

Some think auto-tune is the future of music. Others don’t think it has a place in the world of music at all, and that it only creates superficial “robot sounds.”

Though in the end, like everything else in life, the complex device of auto-tune all depends on your own perspective.

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Letter from the Editors

2013–2014 Editors Theo Canter Gidon Kaminer Livia Miller

Science Editor Laura Schwarz

Copy Editor Kevin Chaikelson

Sports Writers Martin Rosen Jonas Plaut Natasha Stamler Brooke Cohen Alison Comite

Staff Writers Carlin Greenfield Isaac Sonnenfeldt Nina Glesby Benjamin Gale-Platt Noa Bregman Jordana Levine Noa Levine Eliana Solomon Tova Kleiner Abigail Sylvor-Greenberg Sabina Sternklar-Davis Moses Lemmon Marc Schorin

Art Tova Kleiner Theo Canter Laura Schwarz

Photos Carlin Greenfield

Faculty Advisor Karen Dorr

Layout & Design AH, KD & ZL

Dear Readers, It is with great pride and joy that we present to you Volume IV, Issue 1 of the Heschel Herald. We have worked on the paper since sixth grade, and have looked forward to the day that we would launch a new year of the Heschel Herald as editors.

We are excited about this new issue. You will find many articles of all shapes and sizes written by your peers: from reviews about favorite movies, theater, and books to news about our school, to the satire and humor of the Bunion section.

In particular, this issue features many pieces on a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event that will occur in November, that is, “Thanksgivukkah,” the collision of Thanksgiving and Hanukkah.

We look forward to publishing the Heschel Herald much more frequently this year, with each issue jam-packed with wonderful student writing. As always, we

welcome contributions of poetry, prose, and comments written in letters to the editors from all of our readers for future issues.

In the meantime, enjoy!

Yours truly, Theo, Gidon, Kevin, Livia, and Laura

Please send us your opinions and responses to any of the articles or editorials you read in the Heschel Herald. We will print your letters; it’s fun to see your name in print. Try it.

The Journalist of the Month

By Gidon Kaminer ARIEL KAMINER is a journalist for the New York Times. She has held positions at both the New York Times and the New York Times Magazine for the past thirteen years. Ariel started her journalism career as a reporter for her high school paper. After high school, she joined her college paper and soon became the editor of the weekly edition. Ariel got a job working at the Village Voice soon after graduating college. After a year or two working at the Voice, Ariel continued her journalism career, getting a job at the New York Times Magazine. She became editor of the arts and leisure section of the magazine, and remained in that position for some time. Ariel then moved from work at the magazine to the New York Times,where she wrote City Critic Column in the Metro Section. After two years of being the City Critic, Ariel wrote for the Ethicist, where she responded to ethical questions from readers. These days, Ariel writes articles and reports on

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higher education for the New York Times.

Ariel has seen, felt, and experienced radical changes in journalism over her thirteen years at the New York Times.

When she first joined, the main focus was on the daily printing of the paper, with the website serving as a secondary companion. Most readers read the daily printed edition, while a much smaller number also read the online edition. Ariel laboured to expand the online website, and strived to integrate the printed paper and the website as one entity, not two separate projects as they were when she first joined. These days, “vastly more people” read the New York Times online than in print. Today, there are no separate

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Editorials Ask.fm is Evil

By Gidon Kaminer LET ME START out by saying that ask.fm is the most vile, destructive, immoral website on the Internet, and that it should be banned by the school, the city, the President, and the United Nations. It is a haven for stalkers, bullies, gossipers, and any type of horrible person on the Internet. If you don’t yet know about ask.fm, it is a “Social Q&A Site”, where people can ask other users anonymous questions (non-anonymity is optional, but is rarely used). The user then answers the asker’s question, and then the question with the answer is displayed on the user’s page. The website is “meant” to serve as a place where people can casually ask others questions. If you ever go on the site, you will see that questions are not as innocent as, “what is your favorite color?”

Ask.fm Is a great place for stalkers, who can freely and easily ask users private questions. The thing here is that, because of the anonymity of the askers, the user is fooled into believing that it is “safe” to tell these anonymous users very personal information about themselves, whether it be their address, their phone number, or people of the opposite sex who they like. It’s almost as if the user answering questions is under a truth spell.

They spill their deepest secrets to an anonymous person, because they think that there are no implications to telling an anonymous person their secret on the Internet, and that this world where you can tell this anonymous person whatever they want will stay online. It doesn’t.

Also, bullies are right at home on Ask.fm. They can write whatever they want, whatever monstrous message of up to 300 characters, without being found and punished. There is a way of “Reporting Hate-Speech,” but it is impossible for the user or his family to know who the abusive question writer is.

What if someone in your grade writes you an abusive, mean comment? You will never know who it was. Because you can

never know who the bully is, the bully can never get help, and the victim and bully can’t calmly discuss and make peace with each other. Not to mention, that you will always know that there is someone in your grade, someone who you see and say hello to everyday, who feels compelled to write horrible comments, that anyone can see at any time, directly to you. Another awful thing that comes from the anonymity is that when askers are anonymous, they know that there will be no consequences to what they write, and so it’s almost as if the site is encouraging people to write mean messages. The anonymity also gives people who would otherwise in their daily behavior speak and act normally, a chance to say outrageous things they would never even think of saying under normal circumstances. Clever bullies can also ask a user a private or embarrassing question, get a quick and truthful response (thanks to the users being fooled by anonymity), and then distribute the answer to everyone, via the Internet or in school.

This brings us to gossip on ask.fm.

Up until a couple of days ago, I was the last person to learn of gossip in our grade.

That’s just how things were. Then I discovered ask.fm.

Because of the “anonymity folly” (I like to call it that), users will tell everything on ask.fm: fights with friends, romantic developments, embarrassing stories, and the like. Again, whatever they tell to an anonymous user will get out on the Internet. Especially since the answers are posted on a public page, which cannot be made private. Anyone, even someone who isn’t an ask.fm user (how did you think I got all this information?) can view a page. Most questions are the source of gossip material.

After doing some research about the website, according to the Baltic Times, an Eastern European news service, I found that ask.fm is a Latvian website, created in 2010. It was very big in the UK and Ireland, until several teenagers of middle school age committed

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First Anniversary Reflections: Our Old Building And Our New One

By Livia Miller It seems like just yesterday that we were moving into our shiny, new glass building. We were filled with a mix of anticipation and possibly a smidgen of worry as the we entered the glimmering doors for the first time. The building was a new territory- shining with opportunity, but also fraught with dangers like new locker configurations, and class decor.

This fall, as we mark the one year anniversary of our time in the new building, it seems only appropriate to reflect on the changes we’ve made due to the move.

The neighborhood was something that defined Heschel as a certain kind of school for some- it was close to most students’ homes, situated in a vibrant, village like area of the much beloved Upper West Side. In contrast, our new neighborhood seemed like the gray, washed-out back alley of the apocalypse, an endless flow of construction sites, and massive residential buildings. Since then, though, unknown (to us) neighborhood haunts have revealed themselves to us, from the Jamba Juice in the Time Warner Center, to the perennial favorite, Pick-ABagel.

In terms of transit, too, students have fallen into patterns and routines- the West End bus to 72nd street, the Amsterdam bus, the 1 train via the tunnel under Lincoln Center, and the 59th Street subway hub. “It was a big change, from walking to school to taking the subway alone for the first time,” said one student who chose to remain nameless, “ but I did it.”

Beyond the neighborhood, and the routes to and from Heschel, the building itself could not be more different from what we were used to in the old building.

As much as the old building was small, stuffy, and filled with a sometimes almost

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Editorials, continued Ask.fm Is Evil Continued from page 9 suicide after being bullied, harassed, stalked, or gossiped about on the site. In f a c t , a c c o r d i n g t o bloombergbusinessweek.com, so many teenagers killed themselves after using the site that Prime Minister David Cameron had to personally denounce the website, calling it, “vile”, and requested English companies such as eBay and Vodafone to not advertise on the site, and teenagers to not use the site. The site has since become popular in the United States.

As stated, there is a so called, “report hate speech,” function on ask.fm.

However, contained in the terms of service is a statement that contradicts that completely; it states, “You understand that in using the ask.fm service you may encounter content that may be deemed objectionable, obscene or in poor taste, which content may or may not be identified as having explicit language. The ask.fm service allows for anonymous content which ask.fm does not monitor.

You agree to use the ask.fm service at your own risk and that ask.fm shall have no liability to you for content that you may find objectionable, obscene or in poor taste.” Also, there is no mention of the “report” function anywhere in the website’s Terms Of Service. So basically, there is no way of choosing content, filtering content, blocking content, or reporting content.

If you poke around a bit more, you will find the second to last term in the terms of service. It’s hilarious. “Terms of use are governed by Latvian laws and disputes are solved in Latvian courts.”

Oh, that’s comforting. If you get bullied, if you get harassed, if you get stalked, if someone commits suicide following a comment on the site, they can bring it to a Latvian court. Fantastic.

To sum up, this website is a breeding ground for evil rather than for compassion

or empathy. I am ashamed that my classmates use this website, and I am ashamed at myself for reading through questions and answers on peoples’ profiles. I think anyone with a shred of dignity should avoid this website. Despite what it’s Latvian creators say, ask.fm was created specifically to induce gossiping, bullying, and sharing of intimate information. That is what people like, and that’s what makes it so popular.

While gossip (and other negative behaviors, feelings, and tendencies) are normal, they must not become widespread, and it’s important that we learn to suppress these urges. So please, when you find yourself wanting to gossip, or wanting to say something unkind, or seeking to hurt someone, be aware of what you’re doing.

Self-awareness is the most important thing.

Make the world a better place. Be selfaware. Don’t give in to your urges. Think of the other person. Don’t bully. Don’t make someone feel bad. Don’t gossip.

Especially not on ask.fm.

Note from the author: I would recommend reading a blog post in the “Huff Post Teen” by Natasha Lerner, a fourteen year old girl from New York City.

It is titled “The Problem with Ask.fm”.

First Anniversary Reflections Continued from page 9 stifling feeling of family and spirit, the new building is sleek, modern, and spacious. It took some getting used to too, but in the end, we have all grown to fully appreciate and love the beautiful building we now live in.

So overall? It’s been a tough year so far, but a good year, full of new experiences and learning. Here’s to many, many more years, decreasing in challenges, but increasing in goodness!

Quotation of the Month: What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t witness with your mouth.

— A Jewish Proverb

Toy Drive for Chai Lifeline Nov. 18th to Dec. 6th Please donate unused toys.

----

The Heschel Herald would like to print your favorite quotation in our next issue.

Please submit to the editors.

Start saving those extra coats for upcoming Coat Drive for: New York Cares

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HURRICANE SANDY REMEMBERED, ONE YEAR LATER...

November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Science Journalist of the Month Continued from page 8 offices for the print paper and the online paper; both are one entity. Social media has become a huge part of journalism and news in modern days, becoming as important for lone tweeters as it is for large newspapers like the New York Times. Ariel says, “everyone has learned to think in terms of mobile platforms.” This was made apparent, when the New York Times website went down. Reporters, seeking to update readers in real time despite the glitch, went to Twitter to tweet to their readers updates on stories and articles. Ariel stated, “journalism has contracted so much in recent years, and I feel privileged to work in journalism at this time of change.” Ariel enjoys her job very much, and feels very fortunate to be able to work with “so many smart and engaged people” at the New York Times.

Note from the author: I feel fortunate to have such an astute aunt, and I am pleased that she is living her life working at something she truly enjoys.

Ariel Kaminer is Gidon Kaminer’s aunt.

Give Generously & Righteously

Superbugs Immune to Antibiotics Pose a Risk

By Laura Schwarz ANTIBIOTICS ARE A common medicine, used to defend the body from bacteria. Lately, the CDC, The Center for Disease Control and Prevention, has

discovered several viruses and bacteria that are resistant to the antibiotics being administered. Nicknamed, “superbugs,” these bacteria are classified as deadly in some cases because they have grown immune to many antibiotics. According to a recent PBS documentary, Hunting the Nightmare Bacteria, as many as forty four hospitals in the U.S. have a particularly dangerous drug-resistant bacteria named, Klebsiella pneumoniae carbapenemase, or KPC lurking in sink drains, on equipment passed from room-to-room, on door handles, on the hands of clinicians and hospital workers, and in ventilators and tubes. Hospitals have taken measures to attempt to isolate these bacteria, but with little success.

The resistance to most antibiotics is worsened by doctors who have over prescribed antibiotics to patients when not necessary, and the expanded use of antibiotics in the foods we eat,

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particularly in poultry and meat.

Antibiotics are meant to kill off infectious bacteria, but when taken frequently, can kill good bacteria in our bodies that we need to fight infection.

Unfortunately, just as more hospitals and communities need more research into discovering new antibiotics to treat these n e w resistant

superbugs, American drug companies have shut down their research and development labs that were developing new antibiotics.

They say, again, according to the Frontline documentary, that because they are not as profitable as daily dose drugs that are prescribed, American drug companies can no longer afford to maintain labs for single dose antibiotics.

Thankfully, the global drug company, Sanofi-Pasteur, as reported in the The Mirror, UK, is developing a vaccine that will fight a bacteria responsible for many hospital deaths. It is currently being tested on patients around the world and is expected to be ready in three years.

In the home, the risk of bacteria can be found in uncooked poultry and meat. To avoid bacteria causing illness, it is essential to wash hands frequently and to cook food thoroughly.

November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

SPORTS Girls’ Cross Country Championships and Season

by Natasha Stamler IT IS VERY RARE to find a school that can completely dominate a sports season. This year, Heschel did just that; they won championships in both soccer and volleyball. The Heschel Cross Country team had an extremely strong season as well. This season Abigail Jacobs, Kaia Berman-Peters, Sadie Schwartz, and Natasha Stamler ran consistently within the top 50 of 100 runners. Additionally, Sadie Schwartz and Natasha Stamler both consistently ran among the top ten runners. The girls also improved a lot throughout the season. On average, each runner ran 19 seconds faster during their last meet compared to their first meet, every runner improving at least 5 seconds. Abigail Jacobs improved the most, shaving 33 seconds off her previous personal record during her last meet. In

the championships, three out of four runners present ran in the top 40, earning a medal. Mia Steinberg, the fourth runner, earned 41st place. The younger runners have proven that in upcoming years, they

Girls Volleyball Team Wins AIPSL Championship

By Brooke Cohen & Alison Comite ON TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2013, the Heschel Girls Volleyball team entered the AIPSL volleyball championships at the Heschel gymnasium. During the season, Heschel and Cathedral played each other twice, Heschel winning one game and Cathedral winning the other game. With the championships arrival both teams anticipated a tough and nerve-wracking game.

With the un-returnable overhand serves of Alison Comite and Julia Benichou, Heschel came out to a quick lead in the first set. As the game progressed, tension settled down and

Heschel began to dominate the court.

Heschel played excellent defense, not letting any balls drop. Brooke Cohen and Nadya Goldstein’s great returns helped contribute to the victory. Only letting Cathedral score 10 points in the first set, the score ended 25-10.

In the beginning of the second set, the score remained close. In the middle of

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will be able to keep the Heschel Cross Country team record strong.

The seventh graders have shown great leadership abilities to potentially lead the team to victory next year. The sixth graders h a v e improved tremendously too and have b e c o m e comfortable with the usual warm-ups and the course at Van Cortlandt Park. There is great hope that in the future, the team will still be one of the best teams in the AIPSL. the set, however, Heschel pulled away. With Eva Rosenberg’s great tips and Sophie S h a p i r o ’ s consistent serves the volleyball team won the second set.

Even those who didn’t play in the championship game deserve a round of applause for their commitment and devotion to the team. Without them, Heschel would not have won the Championships. On behalf of the girls volleyball team we would like to thank Shevon and Manuela for their support, encouragement, and coaching throughout the season. It has been a great season.

November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Heschel Heat Wins Continued from page 1 and Ilan Orgel also came through with goals! The Rodeph game proved to be a difficult one because the Rodeph team had some great players. One of these players demonstrated amazing skill and was central to their game strategy.

However, thanks to an incredible defense mounted by Ilan Orgel, the Heat was able to shut down the top form student. At this point in the season, the Heat was scheduled to play last year’s best team in the league, Cathedral. The game was postponed due to inclement weather and rescheduled for a later date. Despite the postponement, the Cathedral game remained foremost in the minds of the team. The next game, against Child School, was cancelled because they were short on players.

Finally, came the game with Cathedral! The Heschel vs. Cathedral game was actually a rematch of last year’s championship game, which Heschel lost. At first glance, the teams appeared to be well-matched as the ball was dribbled back and forth across the field. Ten minutes into the game, Heschel broke out with two goals from Benji Ashley, and one each from Ilan Orgel and Noa Bregman. The Heat won 4-0! With this win, Heschel clinched a spot in the championship game. And yet, the team didn’t know which team they were going to play because two teams, Rodeph and Cathedral, were tied for second place. Rodeph won the match and the championship game was set for Tuesday, November 4th. Just prior to the championship game, Heschel played UNIS Queens where the team striker, Jonah Tetzeli, and Noa Bregman scored.

The championship game was played at Dewitt Clinton on 54th Street and West End Avenue. The game proved to be the

most physical game of the year. Ilan Orgel injured his ankle, while Benji Ashley and Jonas Plaut both got cleated numerous times. No one finished the game unscathed. Heschel scored five minutes into the game with a beautiful kick from Benji Ashley. Ilan Orgel later added to the lead with a goal on a corner kick from Madison Verschleiser. The Heschel Heat’s goalie, Itamar Oron, had several stunning saves securing the victory at the end of the game. Everyone was tired but exuberant because Heschel had won their first championship in years! Everyone was beaming, including Coach Rick, who was very happy for the team. It was a great win for all of the veterans on the team, who had played for three years and had not won a championship! The Heschel soccer team is very proud that they accomplished something that, at the beginning of the season, very few of them thought was possible. Looking back at the season it was clear that Benji Ashley and Ilan Orgel led the team in goals scoring one or more in every game with assists, and Itamar Oron was consistently formidable as goalie. All of the newcomers also played well: Madison Verschleiser scored a few goals and led the defense with veteran Zev Davis. Noa Bregman held the midfield together and Jonas Plaut tallied six assists.

Martin Rosen, Joey Zemmol, Sam Stamler and Daniel Knopf all mounted an incredible defense. The team thanks Coach Rick Munn for his great leadership.

Fill the Tzedakah Box Near

You!

The Alan B. Slifka Middle School

Internet Monitoring Continued from page 1 promoting safety impose upon the right to freedom of speech.

According to the New York Times, when faced with this dilemma, many schools have turned to various companies to sort through the data that their students have generated online, in an effort to weed out behavior that goes against the school’s online behavior code. When caught posting inappropriate material, students have been suspended, or even arrested in severe cases.

Companies like Geo Listing have amassed nearly 3,000 customers. Chris Frydrych, CEO of Geo Listing comments that his company revolves around, “a sprinkling of technology and a whole lot of human capital.” Although he declines to elaborate on how their technology operates, it would seem that they possess software which, can scan Facebook pages for particular words that suggest inflammatory or concerning behavior.

On occasion, cases of cyberbullying and the posting of inappropriate images to the internet have led to court hearings that test the boundaries of students’ First Amendment rights to free speech. Note that cyberbullying is illegal in New York State as well as over thirty other states. The court’s tendency has been to dismiss charges in cases where no one is hurt.

Regardless of dispute, students must learn that in this day and age, nothing is private, and that all rules still apply on the internet. Even if behaviors displayed are not unlawful, there are still limits. The question is, where do the boundaries lie?

Who is in a position to enforce such boundaries?

So, What Do You Think?

We, at the Heschel Herald welcome your thoughts on these matters. We encourage you to tell us how we, at Heschel should approach the issue. Send your letters to the Editors by First Class email.

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Thanksgivakkah

Shortly after noon on November 22, 1963, fifty years ago, John F. Kennedy was assassinated as he rode in a motorcade through Dealey Plaza in downtown Dallas, Texas.

Heschel Tzedakah Committee: Help Us Raise Funds For The NYC Coalition Against Hunger

By Sophia Daniels & Sophie Shapiro

Continued from page 1 have created mashup holiday foods, for example, sweet potato latkes with stuffing and challah dinner rolls.

Who knows what other food creations people will come up with to celebrate this improbable and fun occurrence.

As most of you know, the tzedakah committee, with the help of Jan and Batsheva, is collecting money for a project which helps the 1.4 million low income New Yorkers who cannot afford enough food. This organization is called the New York City Coalition Against Hunger. The coalition represents 1,100 soup kitchens and food pantries in New York City. We are all very lucky to be able to celebrate Thanksgiving with more than a sufficient amount of food on our plates, and we would to share this privilege with as many people as we can. Join us in helping this organization by donating tzedakah, and together we can be part of ending world hunger. Give generously.

Facts about hunger in America: Most hungry Americans are low-wage workers, children, senior citizens, or people with disabilities.

USDA has found that, out of families with children suffering from food insecurity and hunger, 68 percent contained at least one adult working fulltime, 10 percent had at least one adult working part-time, 7 percent had an unemployed adult actively looking for work, and 7 percent were headed by an adult with a disability. The main problem is low wages and few jobs, not laziness.

No matter how you choose to observe it, enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime holiday, and look forward to the joy of being able to tell your children and grandchildren (and hopefully great-grandchildren) that you were there the year that Thanksgiving and Hanukkah collided.

Thanks in advance, the 8th grade Tzedakah Committee.

This Thanksgiving Do Not Let Others Go Hungry.

Give generously to The NYC Coalition Against Hunger

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Food for foodies Food Column

by Isaac Sonnenfeldt Thanksgivukkah Rugelach THIS YEAR JEWISH Foodies across America are faced with a dilemma: Since Hanukkah and Thanksgiving- two holidays with their own distinct culinary traditions- will coincide for the first time in over two hundred years, the menu of any holiday gathering must incorporate both traditional Hanukkah flavors, and the perennial Thanksgiving tastes. This Thanksgivukkah recipe is sure to please even the most hard-core tradition separatists, with it’s appealing blend of traditional and original tastes. So what are you waiting for? While it may be a challenging recipe, its the perfect thing to do with your family this fall, and anyway, who doesn’t want yummy, home-baked treats?

Makes Approximately 60 Rugelach For the Dough: Ingredients: ½ lb Unsalted butter ½ lb AND 2 tablespoons of cream cheese

½ teaspoon allspice Process: Step 1: Put the pumpkin puree and the cider in a saucepan, on medium low heat, mix and then add the sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon and allspice one at a time, and stir until mixed evenly. The mix should be a dark caramel color.

After you mix the ingredients above until they are even, sprinkle the sugar over the dough, and mix until everything is well distributed.

Step 3: Carefully take out the dough, it will be VERY sticky, and form it into four even balls, wrap with cling wrap, and refrigerate for at least 2 hours. The longer you wait the firmer the dough will be for you to form.

Step 4: After you put the dough in the refrigerator, you will want to take about a 30 min break, then start to make the filling.

For the filling:

2 cups all purpose flour ingredients: 1 tablespoon sour cream 15 oz pumpkin puree (1 regular can) 2 tablespoons sugar ½ cup apple cider (juice will work To Make: Step 1: Place the butter, cream cheese, sour cream and flour in a food processor fitted with a metal blade. (if you don't have one a mixer will work fine too)

too) ½ teaspoon grated nutmeg (fresh is prefered) 1 cup sugar

Step 2: Raise the temperature to medium high until the mixture comes to a boil, then lower the temperature until the mixture comes to a slow simmer. Leave to simmer for 30 minutes, and stir occasionally to keep the mix from burning on the edges. The mixture should thicken. there will be a generous portion of extra.

Filling Instructions: Preheat oven to 425 degrees Step 1: Flour a tray with parchment paper lightly, and roll out the ball of dough to ¼-½ inch between two pieces of parchment paper, and put the tray in the freezer if it is too soft to handle, after spreading the sauce evenly. Leave in the freezer for about 5 mins.

Step 2: Slice into 16 wedges, roll the wedges into rugelach form, wider part first, and transfer onto a very large tray, where all the rugelach will be put to cook, then repeat with the other three balls.

Step 3: Sprinkle the large tray with cinnamon sugar, and bake until they are golden brown. This should take about 25 minutes.

1 teaspoon cinnamon Step 2:

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Food & Dining Why A New Juice Machine For Heschel Dining Hall?

the many changes that came to the second year of the new Heschel School building was the juice machine. The common

By Carlin Greenfield belief among students was that this was due to the sugar content in the old juice. The Herald has confirmed this fact. Taisha Nicoli, the head of the kitchen staff said, “The sugar content [of the old juices] was too high and additionally, they contained too much corn syrup.

We replaced them with our own juice, using natural ingredients.”

When asked why a whole new juice machine was needed Taisha Nicoli, Kitchen Staff she answered, “The old General Manager THE JUICE MACHINE that last year juice machine, operated dispensed many flavors of juices has been by Vitality Co. only took concentrate.” replaced by a new juice dispenser. One of The Heschel Herald can also confirm that the substance in the vat, is tea. The

common opinion on the new juice machine is that fewer options don’t bother people, however, they do mind the taste of the tea. Adin Joyce, a 7th grader stated, “I don’t mind the new machine, but the tea [in it] is terrible.” Another 7th grader who

Yes Chef by Marcus Samuelsson: A Book Review

obstacles to fulfill his dreams. It is heartwarming, and in some instances gutwrenching , with a strong message about the importance of determination. The writing is superb; the narrative is believable, compelling, and honest, and demonstrates that autobiography when well written can be as good as any novel.

Marcus Samuelsson turned his tragic story into a message filled with hope and determination. The entire book is filled with so many experiences of Marcus Samuelsson’s constantly changing, extraordinary life that it never gets boring, and nothing ever stays the same for too much time. For you foodies, New York is fortunate to have Chef Marcus Samuelsson’s restaurant, The Red Rooster, located in Harlem, as well as his cuisine at The American Table Cafe and Bar at Lincoln Center’s Alice Tully Hall.

By Noa Levine YES CHEF, AN autobiography centered around the culinary and emotional journey of famed Ethiopian chef Marcus Samuelsson is worth reading and will make your mouth water. Marcus Samuelsson, originally named Kassahun Tsegie, was born into a family with no hope. His mother, terminally ill, journeyed five thousand miles to the nearest town to improve the lives of her two children, Kassahun (Marcus), and daughter, Fantaye. The saying holds true, “that no good deed goes unpunished.”

When she arrived in the area of the hospital, there was a lengthy line.

However, she managed to get her children in to be treated for tuberculosis, but tragically she died from the same disease,

and left her children orphaned. What follows in the aftermath of this tragedy, is that Marcus and his sisters are adopted

by a Swedish couple, and live a contented childhood in Goteborg, Sweden. Marcus played on a soccer team for many years. After the bitter sting of rejection when he was deemed too short to play, he started cooking, and from then on, he never stopped.

The book follows the many twists and turns of a man who fights profound

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wishes to remain anonymous said, concisely, “the Juice machine is good, the tea, NOT!”

November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

NEED ADVICE? ASK YAYA, Dear Yaya, My binder is really messy and I can’t organize it. Whenever I get to a class and they say to get out something, I open my binder and everything falls out!!! I can never find anything and I’m getting really behind in my homework because of it!!

Please help!!

- Clutter Crazy Dear Clutter Crazy, If you really need assistance, go to Jenny or Yasman. They can help you catch up on homework and organize your binder. If you feel uncomfortable asking either of them for help, you can ask your advisor at your next Advisory, who can remedy your binder situation and provide strategies for getting homework done.

Poetry Thanks To the Light: A Mashup Poem (Based on the poems, “Thanks” by W.S. Merwin and “Light the Festive Candles” by Aileen Lucia Fischer) Light the first Listen With the night falling we are saying thank you smiling by the windows looking out honoring a day gone by back from a series of hospitals remembering wars and police at the door

You can also often find help from a friend.

I’m sure you will get the support you need during lunch, Advisory, teacher office hours, and recess. Good luck!!

- Yaya Dear Yaya, My best friend and I used to be really close but now we don’t hang out much.

She doesn’t go to Heschel and she has different friends than I do. I always try to text her, email her, and call her, but she never answers! the last time I went to her house, all she wanted do was look on Instagram and text her friends but I don’t like doing stuff like that! We always used to do fun things like making lemonade stands, playing games, and watching TV! But not anymore. I really miss the old her and I’m feeling really sad. what should I do?

- Feeling Friendless

Light the first and second too with nobody listening then light three and then light four falling faster than the minutes light

Dear Feeling Friendless, I’m sure your friend is still fun to hang out with. If you want, you can invite her over to a sleepover or a party, and say that there are no phones allowed. If you feel uncomfortable doing this, just have her over and organize cool, fun things to do that require both hands- like painting together or baking- activities that will prevent her from texting.

You can also just talk to her, and tell her how you feel. Maybe you can say that you really don’t feel like you and her hang out that much anymore and that you want to spend more time with her. I hope it works out!

Yaya

Please email: karendo@heschel.org, who will pass along your question to Ask Yaya; all questions will be answered in the next issue. to celebrate to look at the sky when tomorrow's day is through when we regain our right to pray we light the faces of the officials and the rich and all burn bright and high dark though it is give thanks.

going over telephones over funerals over forests over banks whether we know or not

by Abigail Sylvor-Greenberg

every dusk one candle more in doorways and in the backs of cars and elevators The temple, the cities growing over us, our lost feelings all restored running out of glass rooms

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Additional Humanities Class Added This Year to the Seventh Grade

teachers joined Sandra Susser on the seventh grade Humanities team.

Andrea Ribaudo was moved from teaching sixth grade Humanities last year,

By Carlin Greenfield to seventh grade Humanities this year.

LAST YEAR THERE were three When asked how she felt about the change she said, “I am thrilled to watch my students grow and share more fun experiences with them as seventh graders.”

Additionally, Loren Halsall has joined the seventh grade team, and is very happy to be teaching at Heschel.

He stated, “I’m enjoying working with Andrea Ribaudo Sandra Susser Loren Halsall a team of dedicated teachers and the students sixth grade classes that required three Humanities teachers. These students, this are great too.” Seventh grade Humanities year, have moved up to become three teacher, Sandra said, “It has been terrific seventh grade classes as well. Two to work with Andrea and Loren this year; we are all enjoying our seventh grade

students and look forward to the months ahead.”

Seventh Grade Homework Survey, Revealed!

homework in each subject every day. The average TOTAL minutes spent on homework during the survey period was 83 minutes per day (the weekend counted as one day). Let me know if you have any questions about the graph below or the data it represents.

In general, the homework levels seem to be on target. However, this doesn't mean that some nights won't be busier than others, or that some weeks won't be harder than others. As much as your teachers try to keep the flow of work even, it's not always possible. For this reason, if you feel that you, as an individual, are having a tough time keeping up with the demands, please speak to your teacher, advisor, Yasman, Jenny, Donna, or me. We are here to help you!

turned them in. I would like to thank the students who took part in the two-week homework survey, which gave us some

By Carlin Greenfield very helpful data.

The graph (below) shows the number SEVERAL SEVENTH GRADE of minutes, on average, spent on students recently came to Lori Skopp, Middle School Head, to complain about the amount of homework they were getting. In response, Lori decided to survey students to determine whether, in fact, the seventh grade was getting an inordinate amount of homework. As a result of her inquiry, Lori Skopp wrote the following letter, excerpted here: Dear seventh graders, Ten students in the class were asked to record the amount of time spent on homework each day; eight students completed their surveys and

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Heschel Herald Tip: Read the Book or See the Movie

November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Americans Demand Foreign Protesters Use English Only!

By Gidon Kaminer IN A UNANIMOUS PLEBISCITE by the American electorate last week, Americans demanded that all foreign protesters in Egypt, Syria, Turkey, Greece, Russia, and any other country that is not primarily English speaking, include English translations on their protest signs.

The American’s demand grew out of the frustration the majority felt as they have tried to follow the politics in countries with widespread unrest. They have found it exceedingly difficult to understand what each side demanded, what individual people thought, and who was on what side in the first place. In a public statement, the American people said, “It’s impossible to tell if you’re a rebel, a militant, a member of the Muslim Brotherhood, a taxpayer, a

Writers Block, Epidemic Spreads & No Sign of Retreat

By Kevin Chaikelson

gay rights activist, a government supporter, a human rights advocate, an anarchist, a Christian, a Muslim, or anything, as a matter of fact. It’s all just incomprehensible. If these people had signs in English, we could actually understand what the they were saying. Do these people even understand each other?

Adding translations will benefit everyone!

If everyone wrote their signs in English, everyone would know what’s going on!

Problem solved! All these protestors really owe us one. Who cares about Arabic, Greek, or all these other non-American languages. English is the language of the

blocks appear due to lack of inspiration.

Several high-ranking officials in the Board of Education, as well as various politicians have suggested solutions, mainly involving chainsaws and giant hammers. Our polls show that most Republicans support direct offensive action against the blocks, while the majority of Democrats said, “We want to approach the situation peacefully.” The President has convened an emergency meeting of all the nation’s woodworking specialists. Brian Hertz, a leading scientist at the Institute of Crackpot Theories, postulates that these blocks are from another dimension, explaining their sudden appearance, and that the writing suggests mischievous intent by sentient life. Given the various sizes of the blocks, these beings may come in various forms.

More updates as this crisis progresses.

USA - WRITERS AND STUDENTS across the nation have been found with giant wooden blocks on their desksusually following short naps brought about by boredom, and in turn caused by a severe lack of inspiration. Some have been pinned underneath these large objects while others have found smaller blocks nearby. In all cases, these blocks have been marked with thick black paint, spelling the words, “Writer’s Block.”

There is no explanation for why these blocks appeared, nor is there any foreseeable way to stop their appearance, save to outlaw all writing. One teacher who wishes to remain anonymous describes the anomaly. She said, “I looked away for one minute, and was astonished to find most of my pupils under siege by This writer has no material left… Wait, giant cubical objects!” The students were w h a t t h e . . . writing an in-class essay at the time, djsaghbquvwicndmox,,,ckrcerwb giving weight to the theory that these

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best country in the world, and therefore, it’s the only one that should be used anywhere.”

The American people’ delegation are planning a visit to the United Nations next week, where they will unveil their new proposal: “Make English the Official Language of the World, For the Good of the World!”

I am pinned under a giant block… A little help here? …Oh dear.

November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

All About the Bar, Where’s the Mitzvah?

The Ultimate Bar Mitzvah Party of All Time, At Least For Now

By Theo Canter “It is not when truth is dirty, but when it is shallow, that the lover of knowledge is reluctant to step into its waters.” Friedrich Nietzsche ON WEDNESDAY MORNING workers began to appear all around New York City mounting huge posters and murals of 13-year old Jeremy C—. While residents speculated about who he might be, sculptors climbed up the Statue of Liberty and replaced Lady Liberty’s torch with a likeness of Jeremy C—. Per Se, the fanciest restaurant and caterer in all of New York, began setting up a makeshift kitchen in Grand Central Station, where cocktail hour and the sit-down dinner was

Found U.S. Patent Shakes Orthodontic Opinion

By Livia Miller Bonner-Springs, KansasA DEVELOPMENT IN the study of the history of medicine occurred last week when Kathy Peters (nee Bruen), 73, and her brother, Mark Bruen, 74, found papers belonging to their late father, Dr. Edward Bruen, in the attic of his house. Peters and Bruen had been emptying their father’s attic in preparation to sell his house, when Bruen found a sheaf of typed pages embossed with the U.S seal.

“I was pretty shocked, really,” said Bruen, who practices real estate law in Kansas City. “ My dad was pretty much your average small-town dentist- put braces on all us kids, fixed cavities, all that.” And the contents of the folder couldn't be further from that stereotypical small-town dentist.

The documents were originally brought to the Bonner Springs Police Dept.

However, Police Chief Jon Gruff saw the

to be held.

The Hudson River was drained and filled with Coke, the East River with Pepsi, and the locks on the river set up to keep the soda flowing. Private jets began flying into airports all around the city, bringing their guests to extravagant hotel accommodations like the Mandarin Oriental, The Four Seasons, and The St. Regis.

On Friday morning, as the sun rose over the East River, a private helicopter flew over the river and landed on a heliport atop a glistening high rise office building.

Almost like in a science fiction movie, like Star Wars or Star Trek, the lower hatch on the copter opened, and five people walked out: a man of about 40 seal of the United States Department Of War, and notified the Kansas State Bureau of Intelligence. An armored vehicle then drove the bundle of papers to an airstrip in Northern Kansas, where they were then flown to Washington D.C. Finally, after less than 25 hours since the papers were first discovered, the decades-old documents were examined at the Pentagon.

The results of their investigation have shaken the medical world.

The documents were for a patent, giving the rights to a Dental-Alteration Device (DAD) meant to cause intense pain, with the intention of torturing prisoners in a mechanism-efficient way. The DAD was to be clamped to victims’ teeth, forcing the teeth to twist in excruciatingly painful ways. The patent was dated October, 1916, and it offered a cost-effective way to torture German prisoners of war. The patent included drawings of the DAD, featuring close-ups and mechanical diagrams of the original model. It was to be made out of stainless steel cords,

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years of age, his wife, his two sons, and two daughters. They were all dressed in festive designer clothes, and looked purposeful. At the same time, a luxury bus stopped in front of The Plaza Hotel; a truck pulled up behind Madison Square Garden.

The family on the helicopter was the C — family; the father, Mr. C—, a wealthy and highly intelligent entrepreneur, who for the past five years guided his very successful hi-tech computer company’s

Continued on page 21 reinforced with cement, which were to be affixed by steel rings to the prisoner’s teeth for indeterminate amounts of time.

The cords were also fitted with mace-like iron spikes to dig into the prisoner’s gums and lips.

A recent follow-up within the Pentagon has found papers legalizing the DAD, but

there is no evidence of it ever being put to use in its original form.

However in a stunning plot twist, Dr. Arthur Blancodienche, M.D, D.D.M, B.S,

Continued on page 22

November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Continued from page 20 American operation in Manhattan. Mr.C — brought his family to New York, where they live in Manhattan and summer in the Hamptons.His thirteen year old son, Jeremy, is an extremely accomplished student in his school, and Mr. C— wanted to give his son a party, like the parties they have attended for the other boys in Jeremy’s school.

Meanwhile, the luxury bus outside of The Plaza hotel unloaded its passengers, among them: The Rolling Stones, Jay Z, LMFAO’s Redfoo, Nicki Minaj, Calvin Harris, Macklemore, the New York Philharmonic, fashion designers, Phillip Lim and Ralph Lauren, top photographer Annie Leibovitz, CNN reporters Wolf Blitzer, as well as comedians Jimmy Fallon and Jon Stewart. Simultaneously, the truck behind Madison Square Garden unloaded a 10-foot tall DJ stand, a trampoline, a miniature motorcycle velodrome, and a slime bucket and apparatus from Nickelodeon headquarters, and a dozen mustang stallions.

Yes, after much speculation, it was clear that Mr. and Mrs. C— were renting out all of Manhattan for the ultimate party for their son. That Saturday evening, the city came alive. At 5 PM, early arriving guests enjoyed a ferry cruise around Ellis Island, the Statue of Liberty, and Governor’s Island. Guests waved at the small planes flying overhead with banners declaring, Jeremy’s Bar Mitzvah! They were then taken by a caravan of stretch limousines to Central Park, where they took boats out on the lake, or relaxed on the lawn to the live music of the New York Philharmonic. Cocktail hour with music

by Wynton Marsalis’ All Star Jazz Ensemble was hosted in Grand Central Station, followed by a sumptuous dinner.

A playground swirly slide was installed from the top of Grand Central Station to transport kids to the party in Madison

Square Garden, a few blocks west of the Grand Central Station. Players from the New York Knicks played a game of basketball with the kids, and the pop stars performed their hits, as well as one song written especially for Jeremy on which they all collaborated. Activities at the party included: personal oil portraits, personal marble busts, jewelry making with real gems and fourteen carat gold, horseback riding, photo portraits by Annie Leibovitz, and design your own silkscreened t-shirts with Jeremy’s image on the back. Participants of the party squealed with delight as they saw their

images displayed on the Garden Vision Screen in the center of the arena.

Throughout the evening, subway trains and MTA buses were completely redecorated, all saying, “Join the party train at Jeremy’s Bar Mitzvah.” The party was set to end at around 2:30 AM, with a Nickelodeon slime explosion at 1 AM, dousing the entire arena, immediately followed by a confetti drop of $100 bills to the delight of the partying teens.

Then at 1:52 AM, a man walked in through the door of the arena, wearing a Jewish skullcap and a prayer shawl. He did not look that old, though he sported a long beard. Abruptly, all the action stopped. He shouted out with happiness, “Congratulations to the wonderful C— family, and congratulations to Jeremy. I am so sorry that I missed the reading of the bible and the prophets, and that I missed your rabbinic interpretation of the holy texts. I am sure that you did

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wonderfully, and that all your words displayed your deep Jewish knowledge and soulful understanding of Jewish liturgy. I am proud of you, Jeremy at this special moment in your life and hope that your Judaism guides your heart and soul in all special moments to come, Amen.” His words were met with much applause, except a look of surprise and misunderstanding from Mr. and Mrs. C —, Jeremy’s parents, and Jeremy’s older siblings, and Jeremy himself. There was a moment of silence, then it was broken

by Mr. C—asking the rabbi, “Wait, this is a religious ceremony, and furthermore a Jewish one?”

“Indeed, of course it is!” the rabbi remarked, “it is the coming of age as a Jewish man, and what better milestone to celebrate?”

Mr. C— was silent for a moment, then spoke up again.

“So be it!” he announced, “let us be Jewish!”

And thus the party continued until the early morning, with the rabbi.

Then, at dawn all the revelers left Manhattan in a great migration. The city drained like a bathtub and all was silent except for the sound of the helicopter rotors taking Mr. C—’s family to the airport for a two week vacation in Israel.

Postscript: Mr. C—’s family has instituted the Mr. C— Fund, a fund for underprivileged children to have over-thetop Bar Mitzvah parties. Amen.

November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Continued Orthodontics Continued from page 20 compared the DAD to currently used orthodontic braces, citing several medical sources that confirm the similarities.

However, Dr. Blancodienche, the United States Orthodontist General, refuted his own conclusions by renouncing his earlier remarks, and insisting now that he does not know of any common traits.

Nonetheless, social media and the press alike have been buzzing with opinions on this new discovery. Lorelei R. Witless and her husband, Evan who run the National Anti-Illuminati Witless Foundation spoke out on their blog earlier this week, stating, “We have always known that Illuminati Factions and New-WorldOrderists have infiltrated the government, but the fact that our own doctors have

Filmmakers Fuel Frantic Frenzy For Next Blockbuster

By Gidon Kaminer The Spring/Summer 2013 movie season brought two blockbuster action movies, White House Down and Olympus Has Fallen. Both featured a hostile enemy takeover of the White House and the heroic story of the liberation soon after.

The movies were a smash hit in the box office, with both earning over $120 million internationally. Hoping to cash in on the recent White House invasion craze, scores of directors and producers have been rushing to public libraries, bookshelves, thesaurus.com, and their grandfathers’ attics for fresh ideas.

Producers have also been found slumped over thesauruses while drinking frappuccinos at various Starbucks around Los Angeles. One young producer fresh into the business, says, “These days, if your film doesn’t follow the plot of a rogue ex special forces agent with a tragic background- who gets caught in a foreign takeover of the White House; and

been planting Illuminati torture tools in our children’s mouths is a horrifying revelation.” The couple added that they hope their fellow anti-Illuminati will stand with them when they lobby against the New-World Order medical infiltration next month in Washington, D.C. On a more conventional note, an anonymous teenager has hit the publicity jackpot, since her tweet went viral.

AnonGirl897 tweeted “@deptofhomeland not surprised braces were torture tools they certainly do torture us #braces #truefact.” Her tweet was picked up on and bounced around the web, drawing responses and commiserations from celebrities such as Kim Kardashian, Lady GaGa, and even

the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton.

In response to the turmoil, Department of Homeland Security head, Meh Johnson, emphatically stated in a press conference Wednesday, [that he] “was 100-percent positive of the fact that torture weapons are not being used on the American people.” The American Orthodontic Society has withheld comment.

has to be a hero even though it’s an inconvenience; and he hasn’t had a mission in years; and he has a longstanding rivalry with a high ranking official; and he is the only hope of the nation- you really can’t get noticed.” So far,

the box, have drifted away from the idea of the White House being invaded by a foreign army, instead have come up with the idea of the Capitol Building being invaded by a foreign army. “The Capitol Building has a lot more potential for a movie like this,” says one young, recent film school grad with a development deal at Fox, “ We could get better wide shots of the building, and get a nice action shot of a downed helicopter spiraling into the Capitol Building’s dome, collapsing it, while panic ensues with people frantically running away screaming.”

When asked about what he has in his development pipeline, the gel coiffed filmmaker said, “We’re already in first draft on, Doom Under the Dome, and have interest from the studio in, War in Congress.

At press time, other studio execs have expressed interest in an action film centered around an invasion of the Supreme Court.

Battle of the Supreme Court has a Winter 2014 release date.

filmmakers have come up with several potential titles to pitch to studios such as, White House Attacked, President’s Palace Invaded, and Enemy Captures President’s Abode. Some producers, thinking outside

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Sociologists Find Direct Correlation Between Time Spent in School With Lack of Dirt Under Fingernails

By Gidon Kaminer In a recent study with a group of middle school students, sociologists tracked the amount of dirt under middle schoolers’ fingernails while they were on vacation, as compared to when they are at school. The results show a linear relationship between students who attend more school and the dirt found under their fingernails-there is less dirt . In an interview, the sociologists gave a possible explanation for their results. Doctor Gilbert Berkins said, “It is highly probable that our results stem from students taking advantage of their time in school to clean the gap in between their cutaneous plate and the epidermis above the digits.” At press time, the same group

of sociologists discovered that students considered their off school time “too valuable” to expend on cleaning the dirt from under their fingernails.

By Michael Moriarty

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November 2013, Volume 4, Issue 1

Selfies, the old fashioned way...