Heschel herald 2014 vol4iss2

“...Know that every deed counts, that every word is power...”

—Abraham Joshua Heschel

VOLUME 4, ISSUE 2

Boys’ Basketball Mid-Season Update

By Martin Rosen and Jonas Plaut THIS SEASON OPENED with many new faces on the boys’ basketball team.

At first, the team was rusty in practice sessions but, after some good coaching from Rick Munn, the team improved dramatically. The Heat were confident with their abilities going into the season, beginning with a game against Manhattan Charter School. The MCS team got out to a quick start led by one of their guards who helped to dismantle the Heschel defense. The game was exciting, with the Heat continuing to battle back large deficits, but in the end the thirty points scored by MCS’ guard led them to the victory.The final score: MCS 37, Heschel 31. The Heat’s players were upset but eager to play the next few games. In the next game, against The Stephen Gaynor School, the team showed unity and confidence as they cruised to a win with the Heat scoring 33 to Gaynor’s 15 points.

It was clear that the Heat were building their confidence - in the next game against The Child School the Heschel team won 43-12.

FEBRUARY, 2014

Eighth Graders Visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum In Washington D.C.

By Laura Schwarz FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS, the eighth grade has been learning about the Holocaust. Through the reading of the book Night by Elie Wiesel, they have gained insight into the pain of the Jewish people during the Nazi regime and the horrors they endured. On January 29, the eighth grade left for its overnight trip to Washington DC. After a day of touring the Capitol and the Supreme Court, and meeting two law clerks of Supreme Court Justices and New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, the grade woke up early to arrive at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum. Split into small groups, the students received packets to record any emotions or responses to the exhibits. Each student was then given an “Identification Card”, with the words “For the dead and the living we must bear witness.” Inside each card is a photograph of someone who lived through the Holocaust and their individual story.

Once inside the elevator, a short video, setting the tone for the rest of the exhibits, played on a small screen. The eighth graders walked through all three

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Celebration of Martin Luther King’s Birthday and Tu B’shvat, Students Pledge to Serve the Common Good of People and Trees

by Gidon Kaminer THIS YEAR THE Martin Luther King Day Assembly Committee combined Humanities and Jewish Studies to create an assembly that celebrated a commitment to service for both the greater community and to the trees. Benjamin Gale-Platt served as master of ceremonies, and reminded students that Dr. King died in Memphis as he was supporting sanitation workers to get the fair wages he believed they deserved. Dr. King told his supporters the night before he was murdered, “...millions Continued on page 14

Eighth Grade, Holocaust Museum Visit Continued from page 1 floors of the museum; the first floor, explaining how the killing of six million Jews could have happened, the second floor, showing how the Nazis carried out their “final solution”, and the third floor, describing the liberation of the concentration camps and resistance and rescue efforts made by spectators of the Jews’ persecution. Finally the students found themselves in the Wexner Center, which connects the Holocaust to modern day genocide and asks visitors to make a pledge to make good the promise of, “never again,” and to not stand idly by when genocides occur. To end their visit, the eighth graders stood in the “Hall of Remembrance” a large room dedicated to remembering the victims of the Holocaust. Along two walls were rows of candles beneath the names of many concentration camps. In the center of the

room is a large flame burning above an Student Art, Inspired by Visit to inscription that says “Here lies earth DC Holocaust Museum gathered from death camps concentration camps, sites of mass execution, and ghettos in Nazi- occupied Europe, and from cemeteries of American soldiers who fought and died to defeat Nazi Germany.” The grade concluded by saying Kaddish for the six million Jews killed during the Holocaust.

After arriving back in New York, the eighth graders attended school on Friday for a special program designed to process what they had observed at the museum and create artistic responses to their experience at the Holocaust Memorial Museum. Each group was given an art medium, such as wire, paint, watercolor, or collage, and a color scheme, black and white or color. The students’ works are indepth and moving responses to the horrors of the Holocaust and will be displayed on the fourth floor of the middle school hallway.

Student Art, Inspired by Visit to DC Holocaust Museum

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February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

The Magician, An Ingmar Bergman Film Reviewed by Marc Schorin IN 1958, one of the most influential film directors ever, Ingmar Bergman, made one of his least known movies ever.

Bergman was born in Uppsala, Sweden in 1918, and directed his first movie in 1945, after already having been director for the Swedish Royal Opera and other stage works. His best-loved and most famous movie, The Seventh Seal, was made in 1956. He died in 2007.

The Magician (also known as The Face outside the USA) was made in ’58, about a mute magician and hypnotist, Dr. Vogler, who travels about Europe with his assistants and grandmother during the 19th century. When the magician and his troupe go to a town to perform, the aristocracy of the town want to preview the show, and plan to humiliate the performers. However they are unaware that Dr. Vogler has some extra plans in mind.

Each scene has a definite mood that the audience can feel, each character is alive, and each angle is shot to best tell the story.

The cast includes Max von Sydow, a favorite actor of Bergman’s, and Naima Wifstrand, the actress whom German playwright Bertolt Brecht had in mind when he wrote Mother Courage.

Overall, I recommend this film for people who are fans of Ingmar Bergman and want to see an interesting and rarely seen film directed by him or are unfamiliar with his work. The screenplay is based off of one of the director’s favorite plays, Magic, by G.K. Chesterton. Ingmar Bergman is known for a distinct, dark directorial style, and The Magician is a good introduction to Bergman. As he once said, “No art passes our conscience in the way film does, and goes directly to our

feelings, deep down into the dark rooms of our souls.” (Note: this film is available on hulu.com)

that he didn't realize would take twenty years to keep. In his quest to obtain the rights, Walt comes up against a tough, uncompromising writer who has absolutely no intention of letting her beloved magical nanny get ruined by Hollywood. But, as the books stop selling and money grows short, Travers reluctantly agrees to go to Los Angeles to hear Disney's plans for the adaptation to the screen.

Eventually it is P.L. Travers coming to terms with her father and childhood that gets things moving for Walt Disney. Both Emma Thompson and Tom Hanks are Oscar winning actors who make this movie worth watching.

Saving Mr. Banks, A Movie Review

by Noa Levine SAVING MR. BANKS, directed by John Hancock, tells the untold story about how the Walt Disney film, Mary Poppins got made, and also tells the story about the struggle of its author P.L Travers, played

by Emma Thompson, to confront the memories of her complicated childhood. The movie goes back and forth from Travers in the 1960s making a film deal with Walt Disney, played by Tom Hanks, to her childhood in Australia in the early 1900s.

When Walt Disney's daughters begged him to make a movie of their favorite book, P.L. Travers' Mary Poppins, he made them a promise--one

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February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

Driving Cadillacs In Our Dreams: The Lorde Phenomenon

By Livia K. Miller KATY PERRY and Lady Gaga move over. There’s a new kid on the popmusic block who seems to be on track to compete for pop-music queen-dom. Her name, Ella Yelich-O’Connor, although most know her only by her pseudonym, Lorde.

The seventeen year-old New Zealand native released her debut EP entitled, The Love Club, on the music-sharing site SoundCloud in November of 2012, and its viral online success led to an official digital release in March of 2013 and on CD in May of the same year. Among its many hits is the song, “Royals,” arguably the song that rocketed the singer into her spot as one of the pop-music scene’s most successful new artists, winning her Best Solo Pop Performance, Record of the Year, and Song of the Year at the 2014 Grammy Awards, in addition to Best Pop

Solo Album for “Pure Heroine.”

Lorde’s unique style adds to her appeal. Unlike the electro-dance-pop hits streaming, the stripped-down, almost

Music Beats Headphones: Hype or the Real Deal?

By Benjamin Gale-Platt WHEN MANY PEOPLE think of headphones, the first image that pops into their heads is the popular Beats Studio by Dr. Dre. It's been five years since Beats introduced its first pair of headphones. Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine's personal audio company has become somewhat of a sensation, with celebrity endorsements, even knock-offs. Beats headphones come in different forms, styles, and colors making them an accessory as well as a professional tool used by DJs and producers all around the world. Beats headphones are appealing to a younger crowd while other brands like Sony, Koss, and Beyer are often for an older audience.

Reviews of various Beats models vary from “love” to “hate,” depending on the listener’s taste in music. JP Mangalindan of Fortune Magazine, had this to say about Beats Studio headphones, “The company's signature sound profile is either something to love or hate, often overemphasizing bass and sacrificing mids and highs, resulting in cranium-rattling audio that lends itself well to hip-hop, rap, and many of today's Top 40 but far less desirable for any other music.” After giving the beats a 3 star rating one unhappy customer wrote, “Now I suppose if you don't care for sound quality and all you care is for the swag then go ahead and buy them. But they really aren't worth that much money.”

Another unsatisfied customer wrote, “Very good marketing to teenagers and very very nice packaging along with a retired rapper's endorsement has built this brand NOT good quality craftsmanship

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Lorde Phenomenon haunting quality of Lorde’s music certainly makes it stand out. In contrast to the super-sweet sugar-tones of much of today’s music, whose lyrics discuss love and lust, partying and celebration, even heartbreak, Lorde doesn’t sugarcoat things. In “Royals” she sings, “I’ve never seen a diamond in the flesh/cut my teeth on wedding rings, in the movies/and in the torn up town, no postcode envy,” depicting a life much less glamorous than that described in quintessential teen pop music. This could be a reflection of Lorde’s upbringing and later rise to fame.

Her father was a civil engineer, and her mother, Sonja Yelich, was a prizewinning poet. The singer has described the impact of her mother’s work on her, explaining that she first began writing songs around the age of 13 or 14 because of her love of reading and poetry.

Eventually, after being signed by Universal Music Group, Ella YelichO’Connor took on the stage name Lorde, citing her fascination with royalty as an

inspiration, and adding an ‘e’ to make “Lord” more feminine.

So what is it about this young singer from the other side of the globe that has so enraptured American and European listeners? Perhaps it is her deep, soulful voice, haunting against the bare snaredrum track layered beneath it. Or maybe

it is her lyrics, which give a voice to dissatisfied teenagers and adults alike.

Whatever it is, Lorde has become a smash hit for the millions and millions of listeners to whom Lorde’s music is different and original, even after spending 10 weeks as Number 1 on pop charts.

Yearbook Pages!

Eighth graders, it’s time to create your personal pages for the yearbook! Remember that your personal page will be your chance to celebrate you (your individual interests, personality, and middle school memories and achievements) and to showcase them in a beautiful book that you will probably keep for many years.

You may use any program to create your page as long as it can be saved as a JPEG with the resolution no less than 200. These must be emailed to Bev, no later than Friday, March 7, 2014. – Any questions, feel free to see Bev.

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February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

Biblioclasm The practice of destroying, often ceremoniously, books or other written material and media.

An A-Z of Unusual Words

By Tova Kleiner HAVE YOU EVER heard of the word fanfaronade? What about tarantism?

These are some of the strange and unusual words and their simply drawn yet attention getting images that can be found on The Project Twins website’s A-Z of Unusual Words.

The Project Twins are two graphic artists, James and Michael Fitzgerald. Their work includes design, art, and illustration. They have done work for different magazines in various parts of the world.

Their A-Z of Unusual Words project features strange words, one for each letter of the alphabet, such as:

Anguilliform: looking like an eel

Infandous Unspeakable or too odious to be expressed or mentioned.

If you would like to visit their website to view these interesting words and their intriguing illustrations go to http:// theprojecttwins.com/projects/a-z-ofunusual-words/ After my attention was caught by An AZ of Unusual Words, I too have illustrated a couple of rare words that strike my curiosity.

Defenestrate: To throw (a person) out of a window

Acersecomic A person whose hair has never been cut.

Crazy At Times, “A Man With A Hobby”

by Robert Bloch, A Review

obsessed with the idea of murder as a hobby. It is a wellwritten story with a shocking twist at the end, leaving the reader chilled long after the ending.

It was originally published in 1957, but Alfred Hitchcock included it in his mystery magazine in the 1970’s. I most certainly would recommend it for someone who would like a short but hair-raising story, one that can absorb the reader in just a short amount of pages.

By Marc Schorin ROBERT BLOCH, famous for writing Psycho, seemed to be fascinated with people who lead alternate lives; sometimes, they would be normal Americans, impossible to distinguish from any random person. Other times, they would be insane, brutally murdering people who they may have previously befriended. As Norman Bates said in Psycho, “I think perhaps all of us go a little crazy at times.”

This theme of alternate identities and hiding one’s insanity is prevalent in Bloch’s short horror story, Man with a Hobby, about a man who, during the time when a serial killer is loose in the city, steps into a bar and sits down next to someone

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Beats Headphones: Real? and rich sound. Save your money and get some $50 Sennheisers.” As you can see, many Beats patrons were unhappy with their overpriced and overhyped purchase, especially DJ’s. One DJ wrote, “Let me start out by saying I'm a professional DJ and producer, and over the years have amassed numerous headphones...These Beats by Dre simply don't make the cut.

The sound quality is subpar at best, they sound a little muffled, and don't produce nearly the quality you'd expect. They do have a nice sturdy build, and an attractive design, but don't let that fool you.”

As the author of this article I must tell you, I am a consumer of Beats headphones and I find them far superior to your ‘average’ in ear headphone. However the consumer should understand what they are purchasing, and realize that the bass sound is what make the Beats headphones fun for listening. In the Beats defense, they are very portable and they work for listening to music on the go. However, they are a

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Jimmy Iovine, Dr. Dre target for robberies. Beats headphones are considered gold by muggers all over the world. According to various news outlets, including the Huffington Post, they were responsible for the death of Christian Massey who was gunned down at age 21 in Wynnefield, Philadelphia when he refused to give up his Beats headphones to an armed robber. If people are being murdered for these headphones that are overpriced and that don’t work for everyone, why are people still buying them? As Harry McCracken of Time Magazine put it, “ The box still carries Dre’s quote about how Beats let their owners listen to music the way he does — and while I’m not even sure if I understand exactly what that means, I do know that I liked listening to the new Beats Studio.” And finally, as we all know from sales of the iPhone, if it’s expensive, popular, and new, everyone wants it.

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February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

Fiction

Homicide and Binders: Murder in the Sixth Grade

By Tova Kleiner and Abigail Sylvor-Greenberg Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

The omnipresent bell sounded, but this time, it sounded graver, as if danger were hanging from its usually unassuming notes. Shayna, our TSBN (Torah She Ba’al Nose) teacher, stopped mid-ramble, glanced at her orange watch, and dismissed the class. We left the classroom like dolls, our eyes glazed, our faces unmoving. “Shabbat shalom,” trailed after us, the words very much detached from Shayna’s grave facial expression, as if the words were only shadows, not at all connected to the truth. 4:11 PM Today.

As we went to our next classes our faces came to life and our eyes lit up again. It was raining, I noticed. Not a great, cavernous, murder mystery-worthy storm, but a silly and uncomfortable drizzle. “Cough-cough.” Someone had been coughing all day, the coughs had

seemed to come from behind me, but now, I was in the back row, and not a shoulder flinched aside from mine.

“XXXXXXX ! Could you please turn around?!” My humanities teacher’s voice shook me from my gripping mental inquiries . As my mind returned to the class, I heard the cough again and again, sounding softer with each phlegm filled whoop.

“XXXXXXX, please come to the office.” Beth sounded muffled, meek, and her Australian accent was less pronounced…..

I felt that I was at a zugzwang. That any move I made would lead to an odious and fearsome outcome. But curiosity won, and I sauntered down the hall, my jaunty expression not showing any of the dread that I felt, because of course, it was school, and no place for fear, and no place to walk the halls with anything other than a generic facade.

As I entered the office, my mask of self confidence faded into pure horror.

There wasn’t a person in the room.

Peering at the desks and cubicles, I realized that they were bare. Slowly and cautiously, I approached Beth’s desk. It too was empty, everything seemed to have been swept away so that it seemed as though she had never inhabited that desk.

On the smooth surface of the desktop there was an envelope addressed to Beth.

Golden Noir, The Mysteries Revealed

Imagine a tree. The entire tree is called “the mystery genre.” It has two main branches: noir and traditional. The noir (French for “black”) branch is also divided into two smaller twigs; American noir and French noir. Noir in general tends to use fate and the femme fatale, a woman that seduces and convinces a character to commit a crime, as common motifs. American noir in particular is also known as “hardboiled detective fiction,” and it normally entails a toughguy writing style in which characters are free to curse, kill, and drink, but only up to a certain point (since classic American noir was generally written in the 1930’s and 40’s, profanity was often omitted from movies and books). When a writer misuses these elements of American noir, he or she may

By Marc Schorin When looking for a detective novel, people generally assume that “mystery” is the most specific genre there is when referring to a book in which a crime has been committed and the police/PI’s have to solve the case. Usually, people would not differentiate between the multiple genres that the broad term “mystery” includes, such as American noir, French noir, traditional, cozy, Scandinavian/modern crime, and police mysteries, plus many more ultra-specific genres that are not as widely read. However, out of all of the specific types of mysteries, the tradition, the cozy, and the noir are the most well-known. Of course, an obvious question remains: what is the difference?

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“ If someone dies tomorrow, a pretty picture it will make.

But oh, here’s the problem, I wonder, who shall I frame?”

I wasn’t sure what to make of this note. Who left it? And why is Beth involved? She had sounded odd when she called me to the office. And why had I been called here right before everyone had disappeared? Why had I been called here at all?

I needed to get out of there fast, there was something bizarre going on. I tucked the note into my pocket, letting the empty envelope fall to the ground, and was ready to bolt. Instead, I fell slowly to the floor.

New Installment to follow in the next issue...

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Golden Noir cross the line to pulp fiction, something generally regarded as trash literature. A master of his art in terms of American noir was Dashiell Hammett, best known for his book The Maltese Falcon.

French noir is a genre that is indeed black. Fate and karma play a large role in the plot line, and there is usually a sad but surprising ending. Many French noir books have been made into film noir, and an excellent example of this is the movie Les Diaboliques, based off of the book by the French writers Boileau and Narcejac, writing in collaboration. These same writers wrote what would eventually become Alfred Hitchcock’s famous movie, Vertigo. Both films are perfect examples of how the themes of love, fate, and death intertwine in French noir.

Of course, there are times when the two noirs meet in between. A favorite example of such a novel is The Postman

Always Rings Twice, by James M. Cain.

While the book is a thriller, it involves the same classic themes of the femme fatale, fate, and measure-per-measure justice in which the criminal suffers in the same way that he made his victims suffer. Cain brings it to a level that makes it evident that he had a deep understanding of human nature and life.

Among the branches of the “mystery tree,” we find the other main branch, the traditional branch, which also has the “cozy” branch running alongside it. The traditional branch also has a section called “the locked-room mystery.”

A “traditional” mystery is generally classified as a mystery in which there is little to no vulgarity of any sort, and usually the killer is known among the group of main characters, so the murderer must be “one of us.” The only difference between that and a locked-room mystery is that in a locked-room mystery, the death appears to have taken place in an impossible situation, such as a corpse being found in a locked room. A cozy mystery is almost like a traditional mystery taken to the extreme; usually, they take places in small villages, there is usually a gossipy character whose words unwittingly help the amateur detective solve the non-gory-or-bloody-or-vulgar mystery. A well known classic writer in traditional mysteries is Agatha Christie,

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with novels such as The ABC Murders, but a lesser known, arguably better traditional mystery writer is Dorothy L. Sayers, who wrote Whose Body? among others. Today, cozy mysteries are coming out by the dozens, and while some are exceptionally trashy novels, some, such as Still Life by Louise Penny, are exciting and easy reads but at the same time demonstrate a clear understanding of the human psyche.

It is important for everyone, even readers not interested in mystery novels, to have the ability to recognize the differences of each individual branch of a broad and debatable subject. The Maltese Falcon, Les Diabolique, Vertigo, The Postman Always Rings Twice, The ABC Murders, and Whose Body? are all examples of mystery movies or novels that represent their genres well, and each is a thrilling classic that proves the differences between each individual minigenre woven into the word “mystery.”

February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children

by Ransom Riggs Review By Abigail Sylvor-Greenberg TWISTED STORIES, haunting photographs, and a compelling and multidimensional protagonist provide this artistic horror/thriller novel with both its intrigue and its flaws. Many people have admittedly been drawn in by the book’s title, then decided against reading the over-three-hundred page New York Times Best-Seller because of its alarming cover: a vintage black and white photograph that features a very young girl in an old fashioned dress and tiara, whose face is dominated by her sad and piercing eyes.

She appears to be, by the power of some dark magic, perched about four inches above ground.

Naturally this inspires both curiosity and an inherent degree of fear that for some serves as an added motivation to

read the book, and for others, causes an unconquerable aversion to the novel and its author, Ransom Riggs. However, for a daring few who are willing to read the first page, a breathtaking adventure awaits.

The book begins with the introduction of sixteen year old Jacob Portman, the main character, whose unexceptional life consists of two focal points: his employment in his family’s drugstore enterprise, and his relationship with his Yiddish-speaking grandfather, who, slipping into dementia, tells Jacob the stories, or are they the fantasies, of his childhood? However, whilst piecing together the painful fragments of Grandfather Abe’s childhood, Jacob may gain more perspective than he sought, as the book blurs the divide between fantasy and reality, dreams and insanity, fiction and life stories, two men, two times, and two worlds.

After a horrific family tragedy, Jacob must travel to a remote island off of Wales where he discovers the ruins of Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children, mentioned in the stories his grandfather had told him about. The story builds in intensity, it’s tone darkens, veering into realms of fantasy and horror that at times seem to detract from the book’s quirky and philosophical spirit. The use of sometimes startling vintage photographs

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serves to maintain the book’s unusual and genuine flow, and reminds readers of what can be, depending on how deeply one is willing to analyze, a core story that is relatable.

With vivid and frightening antagonists with “eyes that swam in dark liquid”, supporting characters that make history seem less distant, peculiarities less shameful and more beautiful, and quotes that refreshingly comment on humans and our tendency to, “... cling to our fairy tales until the price for believing in them becomes too high.” Ransom Riggs’ eloquently worded first novel will leave readers either silently letting the story’s haunted tone resonate, or frantically searching for its sequel, Hollow City.

Despite the freaky cover, prospective readers, it is worthwhile to look into the piercing gaze of the levitating child on the thick booked cover, and find a little girl named Claire, and with her a story that leaps off the page, one worth reading and remembering.

February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

Letter from the Editors 2013–2014 Editors Theo Canter Gidon Kaminer Livia Miller

Science Editor Laura Schwarz

Copy Editor Kevin Chaikelson

Sports Writers Martin Rosen Jonas Plautt Brooke Cohen Alison Comite

Staff Writers Carlin Greenfield Isaac Sonnenfeldt Nina Glesby Benjamin Gale-Platt Noa Bregman Jordana Levine Noa Levine Eliana Solomon Tova Kleiner Abigail Sylvor-Greenberg Marc Schorin

Art Tova Kleiner Theo Canter Laura Schwarz

Photos Carlin Greenfield

Faculty Advisor Karen Dorr

Layout & Design Karen Dorr Zachary Lebwohl

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Dear Readers, This miserable phase of the year- late winter, without the promise of spring yet in view- is not exactly inspiring, but hopefully this issue of the Heschel Herald can change that! In this issue, you will find thrilling sports articles, fascinating tales of the 8th grade’s trip to our nation’s Capitol, and much more, all augmented by a wide array of sidesplittingly funny satire, delivered once again by the Bunion section. So what are you waiting for?

Shake away the midwinter blues, and dive into yet another rich, satisfying issue of the Heschel Herald!

Enjoy!

Livia Miller, Theo Cantor, Kevin Chaikelson, Gidon Kaminar, and Laura Schwartz

Journalist of the Month: Jon Kalish

by Gidon Kaminer Jon Kalish is a freelance reporter, podcaster, and writer who has worked with newspapers and radio since 1976 when he worked at WPAI (Pennsylvania radio) for four years. He started his freelance career after leaving WPAI in 1980, opening the doors to opportunities that came later. Kalish has been freelancing for NPR for the past 30 years, working with WNYC, WBGO, KCRW, and WBUR, where he notably led a sports show, “Only A Game”, where he reported on wacky sports throughout the world. He also freelanced for the BBC, CBC, and for Radio New Zealand. In 1993 Kalish became a staff reporter at the Jewish Week, a position he left a short time later in order to take up a job as a reporter for the New York Post. At the post, Kalish covered homicides, going from crime scene to crime scene interviewing witnesses, family members, and more. He

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Please send us your opinions and responses to any of the articles or editorials you read in the Heschel Herald. We will print your letters; it’s fun to see your name in print. Try it.

Jon Kalish also took up a one week assignment from the post where he had to experience what it is like to be homeless in New York City by sleeping on the street for a week on a sheet of cardboard (Jon says “It’s not very comfortable”). After seven weeks of working at the Post, Jon continued to write for other local newspapers such as the Daily News and Newsday. Kalish also wrote for the Forward, writing articles about “Jews in Cyberspace”. Jon also wrote a full page article for the Times about putting holy Jewish texts on CDROM. Newspaper freelance work dried up around 2000, so Kalish continued to freelance for NPR. He reported on Yiddish Theater, the Internet, and (since 2008) the Maker Movement for NPR. He frequently writes about 3D printing, as well as urban farming. Kalish has had the opportunity to report on a wide range of topics for many different radio stations and newspapers, and although being a freelance reporter isn’t very lucrative, he is glad to have the opportunity to report on so many different topics to which he has a connection.

February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

Editorials Amtrak forcibly evicted all tunnel dwellers, known as “The Mole People.”

Afterward, the tunnel became home to

By Theo Canter some of the most amazing graffiti art in New York City, painted by the tunnel’s LET ME BEGIN by comparing namesake, Chris “Freedom” Pape graffiti in New York today to the truffula (formerly Gen II). Like Banksy, he trees from The Lorax by Dr. Seuss. On Halloween Eve 2013, the internationally acclaimed British street artist, Banksy, lifted himself by the seat of his pants (onto a Bristol-bound plane) with no fanciful goodbye. While in The Lorax the eponymous character lifts himself from a pedestal that says, “Unless,” Banksy’s pedestal said, “Save 5pointz.” ‘5pointz,’ a warehouse for Halal food carts in Long Island City, served as a mecca for graffiti artists since, with a permit, painting was legal. For 11 years, the building was covered in the beautiful work of thousands of street artists. Jerry Wolkoff, the owner, was intent on destroying the structure to make way for commercial and residential development. The artists brought the matter to the Eastern Branch cleverly recreated Francis Goya’s Third of the New York Federal District Court, of May and a Coca-cola ad saying and the court placed an injunction on “There’s no way like the American Wolkoff for a few months. But on way.” (Note: the Freedom Tunnel can be November 19th, the dam finally gave way, accessed from 125th street where the the injunction was removed, and 11 years train tracks pass over the street - there is of wonderful street art was whitewashed an opening between a concrete pillar and over, destroying an era of artistic heritage the fence surrounding the tracks.) for the city.

In 1989, the MTA cleaned the last 5pointz changed the public’s view subway car of graffiti, and levels of on street art and graffiti. In this era of graffiti art significantly decreased. There artists like Banksy and Freedom, graffiti are still some remains of tagging in the has risen from an illegible scrawl tag to subway system-- on the downtown 1 actual art, like Banksy’s “Hammer train between 72nd and 66th a particular Boy” (the perennial favorite of graffiti artist has tagged his name several westsiders) on West 79th Street and times on the wall, viewable from the Broadway, discouraging illegal graffiti window on the left side. The abandoned elsewhere. Yet only 40 years ago, graffiti 91st Street station on the 1 (viewable is what kept the city’s underground when riding uptown from 86th to 96th) is community running for over a decade. home to some of the finest murals in the Some shreds of the graffiti community entire system. and their work still remain, particularly in Last October, Mayor Michael the Freedom Tunnel under Riverside Park Bloomberg stated that, “Graffiti ruins the (where the Amtrak Empire Connection to morale of a city, even New York,” Albany runs), formerly home to a huge referencing New York’s poorer days in homeless community until the 90’s when the 70s and 80s when graffiti was more

Editorial: Does Graffiti Harm the Morale of a City?

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commonplace. Many criminal historians have linked the crime rate to the level of graffiti (formerly “vandalism”), and many New York residents of the time can attest to the overwhelming nature of the graffiti that covered subway car windows and buses and that became symbols of gang

activity and violence.

However, I believe that people are being overly harsh with their judgements.

Graffiti comes in many forms. For example, Banksy and Freedom’s artistic expressions are not the same as PanamaWOE or DEKS, as written on the subway tunnel walls, although, some might argue they are both expressions of creativity.

I do acknowledge that in terms of New York City laws, they are viewed as being the same. However, as, Revs/cost, a popular graffiti artist in the 1970’s states in John Reiss’ 2007 film Bomb It, “Graffiti is what makes New York New York, and not a tourist destination.”

What do you think?

The Heschel Herald looks forward to printing your response in the next issue.

February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

continued from page 1

MLK, Tu B’Shvat Assembly of people in America are poverty-stricken- who are working every day, but they end up getting part-time wages for full time work.” Benjamin reported to students that more than fifty years later- these words are still true. Ben then invited Mia Steinberg and Elliane Greenberg to explain how the federal holiday has become an MLK Day of Service, when people are asked to make the holiday, “a day on, not a day off.” Daniel Diamond delivered a D’var Torah and explained that, “Tu B’shvat is a holiday about what is only now possible- what has the potential to bloom ripen and live. The fruit of the tree starts as a dream that becomes a possibility on TuB’shwat and a reality at harvest...Every tree is a kind of dream of what is possible.” Benjamin then invited students to make a pledge on a paper leaf about how they will fulfill Dr. King’s dream for a more just world. Students then sang a Hebrew song celebrating Dr. King’s dream and then sang, “We Shall Overcome.”. The Dream Tree now hangs in the Middle School 4th floor nook.

Quotation of the Month Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The Heschel Herald would like to print your favorite quotation in our next issue.

Please submit to the editors.

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February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

Eighth Grade Trip to Washington DC

Supreme Court Law Clerks Advise the Eighth Grade

By Gidon Kaminer ON THE FIRST DAY of the eighth grade’s trip to Washington, DC on Wednesday, January 29th, the entire grade had the privilege of getting a tour of the United States Supreme Court and, later on, meeting two Supreme Court law clerks. The inside of the court took the students’ breath away, with incredible architecture and ornate design. The visit culminated when the grade entered a lavishly decorated lecture/conference hall, decorated with portraits of previous Chief Justices and furniture big enough to fit William Howard Taft (a former President and later Chief Justice known for his portliness).

The students sat down on chairs facing two young, well dressed, recent law school graduates. The two, Tom Schmidt, law clerk for Justice Breyer, and Morgan Goodspeed, law clerk for Chief Justice Roberts, sat on the desk at the front of the room, surveying the students with amused smiles as the eighth grade shuffled into their seats. When the grade settled down, the two law clerks began describing their job. As law clerks, the young law school graduates research cases for the Justices, helping them come to a better decision. At their disposal is a vast library in the building, online records, and more.

In addition to research, law clerks also help their Justices write opinions.

Thomas Schmidt, told the grade about the slight inconvenience of needing to use two computers when writing an opinion: one normal desktop connected to the internet for research, and an air gapped computer for writing the opinion. The law clerks talked about the need for secrecy in court; their opinions must not be viewed by anyone prematurely. Despite the need for confidentiality, the law clerks still talk amongst themselves about cases, and with their Justices. This makes the workspace

more relaxed, despite the fact that these cases are real, with real people who will be greatly affected by their outcomes.

The two law clerks talked about the Justice-law clerk relationship, where one is affected by the others’ opinion and visa versa. Both law clerks mentioned that, despite the fact that the Justices make up their own mind regarding the case, their opinion is influenced by the law clerks.

Both law clerks said that all Justices are different, and so they each treat their law clerks in different ways and are influenced by them differently.

Towards the end of the presentation, the two law clerks spoke about their advice for students who are interested in becoming a lawyer some day; they advised us to not limit our studies to political science and The Constitution, but rather to follow our passions in music, art, science, and literature. He pointed out that he continued to study music and that Justice Breyer is an expert on the writings of Marcel Proust; in other words, the best justices have a wide variety of interests.

Good advice.

The Alan B. Slifka Middle School

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February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

An Audience With Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

By Livia K. Miller IT WAS THE LATE afternoon of a long day of travel. The eighth grade had left Heschel at 7:00 a.m. and had already endured the long drive to Washington, D.C, and spoken to several law clerks of the Supreme Court. However, despite the exhaustion and dwindling student patience, there was an audible hum of anticipation in the room at the Capitol where the 8th grade congregated. After all, they were waiting to meet New York State’s own Senator Kirsten Gillibrand.

Gillibrand was, understandably, late.­ She had been in the Senate attempting to pass a law that would change the conditions of flood insurance, which would better assist New Yorkers in the event of a natural disaster. Excitement was running high when she entered the room. Gillibrand does not at first seem physically impressive, but from the moment she walked into the room, she radiated charisma and power.

Gillibrand answered students’ questions with enormous respect and demonstrated depth of knowledge on many issues, one of which concerned New York’s controversial stop and ­frisk law. The senator is torn on this issue.

She is against racial profiling, but for protection and prevention of crime. In addition to answering the eighth grade’s questions, Gillibrand made time to speak to the students about the importance of getting involved in the political process -whether calling their senators about issues that concern them, writing letters, or working as interns After the session with Gillibrand, the eighth grade was buzzing with amazement and admiration for the senator. “It really inspired me,” said one student. In fact, that was a sentiment that was repeated, and a crucial point of the trip. Said eighth grade humanities teacher Karen Dorr, “Rachel and I hoped that as a

The Alan B. Slifka Middle School

result of this trip students would be encouraged to participate more fully in our country’s democracy.”

Kirsten Gillibrand Welcomes All Letters From Heschel Students; you may write to her website or write to her office: Washington DC Office 478 Russell Building Washington, DC 20510 www.gillibrand.senate.gov

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February 2014 Vol. 4 Issue 2

SPORTS Continued from page 1

Midseason Heschel Heat Basketball The team began to build momentum, winning two games over the next week. In the first, against UNIS Queens, Heschel won 45-12 and in the next, versus Mandell, the Heat had an astounding 43-8 victory.

Currently, the Heschel Heat are on a four-game winning streak and have built confidence and momentum heading to the second half of the season, hopefully leading to championship gold.

Heschel Girls Basketball: An Update

By Brooke Cohen & Alison Comite WE WERE UNDEFEATED - Then we lost to Cathedral on February 10th, 2014. So much for being undefeated.

“The Cathedral game was really intense and we only lost by four points. We played our best and when we see this team again I feel confident that we will win,” says Captain Alison Comite.

Captain Brooke Cohen added, “I totally agree with Allie. We will definitely win next time. Overall though, we really did play our best”.

Brooke Cohen was on fire the whole game, shooting threes and jumpers; she made nearly every single one. Julia Benichou stole the ball a lot and was the other major scorer in the game. Sophia

Daniels with her great ball handling skills was able to maintain control of the ball throughout the game, and Leila Small with her wonderful rebounding skills was able to get the ball to her teammates after a shot went up. In a recent game, Zoe Bernstein was consistently making her layups which helped bring the team to victory.

Cathedral players are not only tall but are also very good at stealing the ball.

“We just have to work on our manto-man defense and box out,” Coach Shevon Collins says. “We really did our best. I am very proud of our team,” she added.

This season has been a great one for the Heschel Heat and we have progressed as a team. Also our team camaraderie is wonderful. Everyone on the team feels comfortable joking around with everyone else in the locker room. However, when it

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comes to practicing, not everyone is so enthusiastic, but the team is always willing to learn new skills.

“Alison is always giving everyone high-fives and cheering everyone on. She encourages me every time I see her smile,” Eden Siag ‘the cannon’ says.

“We just have to continue to work hard and we will make it to the championship and become the 2013-2014 champions,” Alison Comite says. She adds, “I am really proud of our team.

Once we become more confident, we can do anything we put our mind too.”

Keep up the good work Heschel Girls Basketball Team! Shout out to the new players this year on our team who are doing awesome: Aurie Greenberg, Jordana Levine, Noa Bregman, Eden Siag, Rebecca Ackerman, and Kayla Klein.

February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

Constitution Works, A Justice’s View

By Theo Canter ON TUESDAY, December 10, the eighth grade participated in Denver Dispatch v. United States, a mock Supreme Court case, as part of the Constitution Works curriculum. Though the case itself is fictitious, students had to research and become experts on many actual Supreme Court precedent cases that involved the conflict between the concept of national security and the First Amendment’s protection of freedom of the press.

The two eighth grade classes were each split up into three groups: lawyers for the Denver Dispatch, a fictional newspaper in Colorado, lawyers for the government, and Supreme Court Justices. Each group of lawyers was headed by two head attorneys, and the nine Justices were led by the Chief Justice. Additionally, each lawyer and justice became an expert on a precedent case or document relating to the case.

The lawyers cited quotations by past Justices from these precedent cases to support their point, and the Justices each wrote questions for lawyers on both sides to help them determine their ruling in the case.

After working to prepare their case for several weeks, the eighth grade traveled to the United States Bankruptcy Court in Brooklyn Heights, where the justices donned black robes and sat on a raised bench, and the lawyers sat on pews and delivered arguments from a podium that faced the justices. After a one-day break, on Thursday morning, the justices delivered their final opinions to the class, and for the first time since 2006, in one class the government won by a 5-4 majority, with the chief justice being in the majority. In the other class the Denver Dispatch won the right to continue printing its series of articles.

The Alan B. Slifka Middle School

As a justice, it is no easy task to impartially hear both sides of a case, since lawyers on both sides made cogent and persuasive arguments. Both lawyers and justices benefitted from the experience, and it served us well when on our trip to The Supreme Court in Washington DC, we were able to ask thoughtful questions of the law clerks for Justice Breyer and Chief Justice Roberts.

Student Council Update

By Joey Zemmol THIS YEAR THE Student Council has discussed topics such as elevator rules, dress codes, test procedures, and the dissemination of study guides; all topics suggested by the Heschel student body. By November, Student Council developed new elevator rules that seek to resolve any confusion about when students are permitted to use the elevators. The new rules have been publicized and we believe they are fair for everyone. The Student Council works hard to be the voice of the student body and encourages you to communicate your ideas to your representatives.

*********************************** HESED CLUB POLL: Which category would you most want to work on to raise funds?

• Animal Rights ________ • Child Poverty Issues in US: Homelessness & Hunger Among Children in America_________ • Elderly Care ________ • Environmental Issues & How to Reverse Climate Change • Health- treatable diseases: Partners in Health ______ Mercy Corps____ Doctors Without Borders _______ • Global Educational Issuesfemale education: _____ • Other ___________ Please email your responses after the February break. ~Hesed Club

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February 2014, Vol 4, Issue 2

Bei Mir Bis Du Sheyn

By Marc Schorin ONCE, MOLLY PICON used to be known throughout the world for her singing. Now, she is best known for playing Yenta in Fiddler on the Roof.

Picon is just one of the many Yiddish jazz musicians who used to be famous in the 1930’s and ‘40’s and have been all but forgotten today. This may be because the jazz music of the ‘30’s is no longer popular among the masses, or because there are fewer Yiddish speakers alive to compose, listen to or appreciate Yiddish music. In the past, Yiddish was widely spoken among Jews around the world, with multiple dialects. At the outbreak of World War II as many as 13 million spoke the language. In the modern world, however, the number has dwindled to under 2 million.

When it originated, Yiddish was an old form of German, but when Jews were writing down the spoken language, they wrote it in Hebrew letters. As Jews

New Words According To Oxford, The Dictionary Compilation and Commentary By Noa Levine & Abigail SylvorGreenberg 1. Selfie Pronunciation: /ˈselfē/ Noun (plural: selfies) Informal A photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website: Occasional selfies are acceptable, but posting a new picture of yourself every day isn’t necessary.

Origin: early 21st century: from self + -ie 2. Twerk Pronunciation: /twərk/ Verb Informal

immigrated or were forced out of Eastern Europe, they incorporated words from the languages of their adopted countries.

Because of this, Yiddish has become a conglomerate of various languages, among them Hebrew, German, Italian, English, French, and Polish.

For the same reason, various dialects of Yiddish sprang up in different countries, each one adding more words from that country’s language.

As a result, it became very difficult for Yiddish speakers in different countries to fully understand each other, even though all Yiddish has its roots in Hebrew and German.

As a personal example, when my grandmother came to America and was learning English, it was difficult for her to read the newspaper or to somehow find

out what was happening in the outside world, as the newspapers and radio were mostly in English. In an attempt to bypass this inconvenience, she bought a copy of a Yiddish language newspaper, only to find that in the American dialect of Yiddish, half the words were English words spelled out in Hebrew!

Differences between the dialects and the desires to seem more “American” and to fit in with society all contributed to the decrease in popularity of Yiddish.

However, there is a large movement dedicated to the rebirth of Yiddish culture.

For example, one can take multiple Yiddish classes online or in school, and in Krakow, Poland, there is an annual Jewish Music Festival. Many people also wish to preserve Yiddish for reasons of tradition.

As a result of these and other factors, Yiddish has started to flourish once again in communities as diverse as Krakow and Manhattan. Perhaps, in another fifty years, Yiddish will be the widely spoken language that it once was.

Dance to popular music in a provocative manner involving hip movements and a low, squatting stance.

Although this may be encouraged in some circles, it is for the most part an activity that is frowned upon. Honestly, who wants a reputation like Miley Cyrus?

Origin: 1990s: probably an alteration of work 3. Buzzworthy Pronunciation: /ˈbəzˌwərT͟Hē/ Adjective Informal, chiefly North American Likely to arouse the interest and attention of the public, either by media coverage or word of mouth.

4. Food Baby Syllabification: (food ba·by) Noun Informal A protruding stomach caused by eating a large quantity of food and

supposedly resembling that of a woman in the early stages of pregnancy. You’ll recognize this from your thanksgiving dinners.

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Source: http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/

February 2014, Vol 4 Issue 2

NEED ADVICE? ASK YAYA,

would love to work with you!! Good luck!!!

-Yaya

thing). Anyway, I personally think that you should keep your hair the way it is.

But you can do whatever you want with it. The point is, it’s your hair not theirs.

- Yaya

Dear Yaya, My hair is really curly and everyone Dear Yaya, is always telling me that it’s frizzy. This In lower school, my friends and I actually makes me really upset because I would always be in the same place during know that my hair is just curly, not frizzy. lunch and recess. Now I work during I don’t brush my hair, which would make lunch and recess and I never have any it frizzy, so why does everyone think it time with my friends. Some of my friends is?! I am seriously considering are social during lunch but I just need to straightening my hair!! get my work done. What should I do?

- feeling frizzled - No Social Life

Dear No Social Life, Studying and working are good, but it’s okay to just let yourself relax sometimes and hang out with your friends. I’m sure that you will be able to get all your work done! And if you don’t think so, maybe you can find your friends and ask them to help you. I’m sure they

Dear Feeling Frizzled, If you like how your hair looks, then don’t let anyone make you change it!! I’m sure your hair is beautiful just the way it is! Frizzy is actually not a hair texture according to studies made by the A.D.E.A.H, so just bring up those statistics whenever the haters hate. (Yes, Yaya knows all) (And yes, that is a real

Please email: karendo@heschel.org, who will pass along your question to Ask Yaya; all questions will be answered in the next issue.

Graffiti Train

by Theo Canter

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February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

Breaking News: New Trip Itinerary For Seventh Grade

By Carlin Greenfield THIS YEAR the seventh grade will not be going to Washington, DC as usual, but will instead go to upstate NY. The itinerary will include: visiting George Washington's last encampment in Newburgh NY where he spent his last years of the Revolutionary War; the Trailside Museum, and Zoo; a tour of West Point; and a visit to The Storm King Art Center in New Windsor, NY. Students will stay at the Eden Village Summer Camp where they will enjoy organic farming, animal care, as well as outstanding organic Kosher food. The seventh grade decided to change the nature of their trip since the eighth grade now has a more extended stay in Washington DC. Students will have the opportunity to explore some historic sites as well as enjoy the beauty of upper New York State.

Hasbrouck House, Newburgh, NY Served as Washington’s Headquarters during the last years of the Revolutionary War

The Polar Vortex Photos by Carlin Greenfield

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February 2014 Vol.4 Issue 2

1 tsp flour 1 large red onion chopped finley 4 ¼ cups red wine (preferably chianti)

by Isaac Sonnenfeldt 3 peeled garlic cloves 1 sprig of rosemary (about 4 inches Italian Stew long) (Peposo Alla Vecchia Maniera) 1 sprig of sage (at least 5 inches long There’s almost nothing as bleak as with more that ten leaves) slogging through brownish slush on A handful of whole peppercorns NYC’s curbs and corners. But don’t Salt (added to taste) despair- this warm, delicious tuscan style Freshly ground pepper (added to stew will raise your spirits as you suffer taste) through the rest of the northeastern winter. (NOTE: this recipe is delicious Instructions: with boiled potatoes drizzled with olive oil, or with a side of spinach or chard).

Step 1: Heat up half of the olive oil in a You Will Need: heavy casserole pan, and add the onion, whole garlic cloves, rosemary and sage.

6 TBSP extra virgin olive oil divided Saute until the onions are golden, (about 4 (and some extra for drizzling later) minutes medium heat) and set aside.d 2.5 pounds boned veal shoulder cut into 2 inch cubes

Heschel Food for Foodies

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Step 2: Toss the veal cubes and flour until the veal is lightly coated , then shake off excess flour. place in a large pan with the remaining olive oil, and brown the cubes (if the pan is not large enough to fit all the meat without touching each-other, so this in two or three batches). Add salt and freshly ground pepper to taste.

Step 3: Place the cubes of meat in the casserole along with the onion mixture.

Add the whole peppercorns and wine, and bring it to boil. then, lower the heat and let it simmer for at least two hours. You should mix it now and again, but not vigorously. When the meat it tender, but not raw remove from the heat.

Serve: Just before chopped parsley.

serving,

February 2014, Vol 4 Issue 2

add

some

Dennis Rodman is Named New Secretary of State

By Gidon Kaminer PRESIDENT OBAMA APPEARED more stressed than usual as he addressed the press about foreign policy at yesterday afternoon’s White House press briefing. The Bunion was able to catch up with a member of the White House housekeeping staff who related the following nightmare the President had the previous night.

John Kerry was trapped under a pile of the printed version of the full Affordable Care Act (over 1000 pages), and was unable to be rescued.

President Obama rushed to his assistance, and received the Secretary of State’s final wish. Kerry said, “Barack, make Rodman Secretary of State.” The President replied “I’ll do it.” Just then, Rodman stumbled into the front door of the White House exclaiming “Bae has committed terrible crimes against the people of TRUE KOREA!” in between hiccups and gulps from the beer in his grasp.

Rodman stumbled in the President’s general direction and made an attempt to shake his hand. Just then, a group of touring schoolkids surrounded the President, drowning him in laughs, giggles, and yells. While the President was surrounded, Rodman, donning a jersey and carrying a deflated basketball, went to brief the State Department on his new foreign policy.

He spoke before a gathering of State Department officers as well as a television audience of 313.9 million Americans waiting to hear his foreign policy plans. Rodman spoke to the people briefly, elucidating his goals for “Peace with TRUE KOREA, and understanding of TRUE KOREA...

And all those other countries”.

Every television monitor in the White House was filled with the close up image of Dennis Rodman’s smiling face; his 14 karat gold grill gleamed across America. By the time the touring school kids had cleared the circle they had made around the President, the White House had become a pile of smoldering ash with chaos surrounding it. Warplanes of all countries flew above. The government lay in shambles, the economy had collapsed. Every nation had been touched by what the media had called the “War of Misunderstanding”, which broke out immediately after Rodman deployed missiles to France (which he mistook for Iran), Serbia (after misspelling Syria), Australia (it was the same color as Russia on the map), and Washington, D.C. (the “Round the World Missiles” weren't really a good idea).

It was at this point the President woke up, back to the reality that people in the U.S. Government aren’t as crazy as Dennis Rodman…

Well, most of them.

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February 2014, Vol 4 Issue 2

Snowden Begins Publicity Blitz

By Theo Canter AFTER TAKING REFUGE in an undisclosed location in Russia, Edward Snowden, the infamous whistleblower known for exposing the National Security Agency (NSA)’s monitoring of American citizens, has published a new travel book, Russia for Political Refugees. His lawyer and agent in the United States announced that they would also bring the publication to the press in the States, though at the moment no publishing companies have accepted their request. The book, Snowden says, will be a guide to inform the public, should they wish to follow in his footsteps, on the steps required to take refuge inside Russia. The contents include

t h e are cashing in on his notoriety with b e s t several high-yielding products. There is a new line of clothing at Urban Outfitters restaurants (complete with plaid shirt and whistle), a (that accept cash only to Snowden Snicker Bar (with secret avoid tracking credit cards); the best alley ingredients), a Where’s Waldo: Snowden hotels (with no windows); and an entire Edition, and a limited edition of Snowden chapter on the best places to sleep and eat eyeglass frames at Warby Parker. General just within Sheremetyevo International Keith Alexander stated in a recent press Airport. The book will be published in release, “I don’t see why Snowden gets so February, and is actively backed by the much publicity for being a national traitor.

Kremlin Department of Publishing. Why not honor me with a candy bar? I’d President Vladimir Putin announced his love to see a ‘Keith Bar’ next to the support for the book as well as his support magazines in Duane Reade!” The Mars for anything to bring publicity to Russia Chocolate Company has withheld (other than their imprisonment of comment. dissidents and anti-gay laws). Meanwhile, since Snowden cannot control use of his name, American companies

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February 2014, Vol 4 Issue 2

Continued ...Could you please remind my

by Livia Miller and Madison teachers that I Verschleiser DID hand in that To whom it may concern: assignment? I did! I actually did send Yes, I know that it may seem it in and you know it. That’s why I sketchy that I texted someone that I totally should get full credit. sell illegal substances on school Seriously. property, but how would you feel if I When I texted my friend that I was told you it was just gum? “totally breaking dress code That guy that texted me that he was tomorrow”, I didn’t actually mean dumping me? Uh, yeah. That was a that. What I meant was, I was going to mistake. Duh. And obviously, he wear yoga pants. And then tuck them wasn’t cheating on me either. into boots. BIG difference.

And while we’re talking about all of According to my Spotify records, it that, I didn’t actually spend an hour looks like I spent 4 hours listening to texting him “hi” last night... I wrote it, an Adele playlist I’ve titled and then forgot about it for 59 ‘BrokenHearted </3’ but like I said, minutes, and only then did I remember that whole thing about being dumped and send it. That’s why it looks like I didn’t happen, so I wasn’t spent that long texting him. heartbroken... The reason it looks like

A Letter to the N.S.A Some Clarifications....

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I was listening to that music was because my dog hit play and I never got around to turning it off because I had to walk my pet unicorn. Duh. The reason I use so many emojis is that it is my way of commenting on our increasingly nonverbal society.

Not because I’m lazy.

I didn’t actually choose to ignore my mom’s calls after school last week. It was just my phone spazzing out.

Obviously..... I mean, why would I want to ignore my mom? Seriously.

I hope the above information is helpful in the process of spying on my day-to-day life.

(But.... Y’know, that cute guy... Would you mind just looking through his texts? Looking for texts from girls that aren’t me? And let me know? Ok. Thanks.)

February 2014, Vol 4 Issue 2

Taxi of Tomorrow-R2 Hood Ornament

By Gidon Kaminer IN A STATEMENT two weeks ago, New York Taxi and Limousine Commissioner David Yassky unveiled a plan to equip each New York City “Taxi of Tomorrow” with a customized R2 Series Astromech Droid on the front hood.

The astromech droids, built by Industrial Automation, have been a favorite of XWing fighter pilots for years, and have won the “Best Droid of the Inner Rim Star Systems” award from Galactic Informer Magazine every year since 179 ABY. Twenty thousand of the droids will be flown pre-assembled in crates by two TZ-86 transport ships to 32-02 Queens Boulevard in Long Island City. In his statement, Yassky detailed the advantages of adding an astromech droid to each taxi cab. He is quoted as stating, “Based on

Meteorologists Fear They Will Exhaust Supply of Hurricane Names by 2023

By Gidon Kaminer IN A S TAT E M E N T from meteorologists across the globe, the World Meteorological Organization expressed fears that it would exhaust its “strategic supply of hurricane names” by January of 2023. The WMO addressed the world at the UN General Assembly, stating that there must be a, “combined, international effort, (to draft) a list of more hurricane names that are not too long, but also not too childish. You know, stuff like ‘Eva’, ‘Hook’, and ‘Myrtle.’” The chairman of the World Meteorological Organization read off the list of hurricane names drafted by the International Meteorological Organization in 1884 to a crowd of UN delegates ready to go home. Visibly panicked meteorologists could be seen scurrying about the UN, pacing around the lobby, and chewing on ballpoint pens trying to find more names for upcoming

o u r prior research a n d studies, we h a v e predicted that the R2 Droids will contribute to more accurate GPSs for drivers, helping passengers arrive at destinations faster.

The R2 Units will also take control of the cab if the driver is driving recklessly, making passengers feel safer.” When asked about additional reasons for purchasing 20,000 droids for 100,000 Galactic Credits apiece, Yassky was quick to justify the massive purchase. He explained, “These droids will help improve the taxi atmosphere, by emitting comical beeping noises periodically. They will also help in guarding the taxi cab from buzz hurricanes. The World Meteorological Organization called for an emergency brainstorming meeting, which was not well attended.

David Grimes, President of the World Meteorological Organization, was seen sitting on the secretary general’s podium, bawling and pleading, “Please, we need names for hurricanes!

We’re meteorologists! We predict hurricanes, we don’t name them!” Flyers were put up around UN headquarters, reading, “Wanted: Hurricane Names-See David,” and “UN offering up to $500,000 reward for list of names for future hurricanes.”

Delegates were displeased with the World Meteorological Organization’s behavior, especially the unauthorized $500,000 reward. The UN Department of Management was given the unpleasant task of explaining to Ralph Walkers, a regular midtown skateboarder, that his contribution of the name “Ralph” to the

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droids and will increase the accuracy of proton torpedoes by 97%.” At a recent press conference Mayor Bill de Blasio stated, “I am always on the lookout for ways to modernize New York, and I am pleased that our Taxi and Limousine Commissioner is developing hi-tech New York City taxi cabs. Other departments in the city will soon follow with their own technological advancements. New York will be the city of the future!” At press time, the New York Department of Buildings has approved building codes for a new development along side the Trump Tower at Columbus Circle, New York City Death Star.

list of possible hurricane names was helpful, but that the UN could not give up a chunk of its budget for the reward. Mr. Walkers was quoted as saying, “That’s some baloney.”

At press time, the World Meteorological Organization had resorted to using “randomnamegenerator.com”.

February 2014, Vol 4 Issue 2

Michael Moriartyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s World

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February 2014, Vol 4 Issue 2