In Kazakh culture, it is believed that the development of friendship or love occurs because people are truly seen. Therefore, in Kazakh, the phrase “I like you” translates to “I see you clearly”.
I felt lost, unable to defne who I truly was or what I really wanted. I questioned my job, my relationship, my connection with family, and my identity as part of the LGBTQ+ community. Despite striving to follow all the "right" advice and do all the "right" things, I felt an overwhelming emptiness, as if a vast, bottomless black hole had opened in my chest—flled with pain, yet too heavy to share.
Through Person-Centred talk therapy and art, my pain was fnally seen, acknowledged, and given form. In witnessing my sufering, I also discovered an innate, unwavering life force within me which had always sustained me, though I nearly lost sight of it.
This project employs stop-motion animation to explore how my inner tensions and fuctuations evolved throughout therapy. The artwork aims to refect how the power of "seeing" - truly witnessing emotions and struggles transformed my inner world, which contributed to self-awareness and fostered self-acceptance.
Research
This project integrates principles from Person-Centred Therapy, as developed by Carl Rogers, with insights from Martha Beck's
- SOCIAL SELF VS ESSENTIAL SELF
In her book Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live, life design coach Martha Beck introduces the concepts of the "Social Self" and the " Essential Self." Through numerous real-life examples from her clients, she emphasises the importance of recognising one's true desires and illustrates the severe consequences that arise when they are greatly confict with moral and societal standards. Before engaging in therapy, this book served as an enlightening read for me, laying the foundation for my subsequent pursuit of my true self.
Beck, Martha. Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live New York: Crown Publishers, 2001.
- PERSONAL ANALYSIS: MY ESSENTIAL SELF QUALITY
Research
- PERSON-CENTRED THERAPY
Rogers, Carl R. Client-Centered Therapy: Its Current Practice, Implications, and Theory London: Constable, 2003.
The Total Personality before Therapy： Discrepancy between personal experience and the Self-Structure
The Total Personality after Therapy: Harmoney between personal experience and the Self-Structure
Cause for psychological disintegration: Distinct discrepancy between experience and the Self-Structure
Therapy Experience: Exploration
with increasing experiences of unhappiness, fearfulness, and depression possible during later therapy stages.
to be less self-conscious. Their behavior becomes more spontaneous, and they express attitudes more freely, as the self accepts these attitudes and behaviours as integral parts of itself.
Personal Analysis
PHASE 1. LOST
The Suppression of the Essential Self
Personal Experience
The absolute dominance of my social self deeply suppressed my essential self. I grew accustomed to wearing a thick mask, often acting in ways that did not refect my true feelings. I was mostly driven by external validation: excelling academically at the cost of suppressing my playful nature or striving to be “gentle, non-troublesome” by repressing my natural aggression.
State of Being
I developed a profound sense of fragmentation. I felt numb, hollow, and deeply pained.
PHASE 2. RE-DISCOVER
Acknowledging Pain and Unveiling the Essential Self
Personal Experience
Many long-buried thoughts and emotions surfaced in therapy, allowing them to be untangled and understood. The pain, once like a black hole, became visible—given shape and size, gently acknowledged and soothed. At the same time, I began to recognise the inner strength that had always steadied me through my darkest moments, pulling me back each time I fell.
State of Being
I felt as though I was coming back to life from a state of deadened silence. A sense of hope emerged. The rigid grip of my social self began to loosen.
PHASE 3. RELEASE
The Release of Suppressed Emotions and the Return of the Essential Self
Personal Experience
Therapy provided me with a safe space to fully release long-repressed emotions. Additionally, painting became another secure outlet for emotional expression.
State of Being
In the early stage of therapy, I often found myself unexpectedly triggered by small, seemingly insignifcant events, leading to uncontrollable, overwhelming waves of tears. Meanwhile, stifed parts of me—my passion for painting, my playfulness, and my aggression— gradually returned. Positive emotions increased, though sadness remained a frequent companion.
PHASE 4. RESILIENCE
Integration and Balance between the Social Self and Essential Self
Personal Experience
As therapy progressed, the overwhelming emotional waves began to subside. I became increasingly capable of allowing my returning essential self to coexist with my social self, rather than letting one completely overpower the other.
State of Being
I still experience emotional fuctuations and occasional internal conficts between the needs of my essential self and my social self. However, I am gradually learning how to balance and integrate the two, achieving a state of dynamic equilibrium.
Material Experiment
INITIAL EXPERIMENTS
In a state of relaxed mindfulness, I explored various materials—oil pastels, acrylics, scratch paper, and air-dry clay—to try to represent my Essential Self and my pain.
FINAL EXPERIMENTS - AIR BRUSH
The airbrush is so far the most suitable medium I have found, as its airfow can cause the paint to subtly dance on the paper, naturally dispersing in a spattering efect that mirrors my life's vitality.
Final Outcome: Stop-Motion Animation
PHASE 1. LOST
The Suppression of the Essential Self
PHASE 2. RE-DISCOVER
Acknowledging Pain and Unveiling the Essential Self
PHASE 3. RELEASE
The Release of Suppressed Emotions and the Return of the Essential Self
PHASE 4. RESILIENCE
Integration and Balance between the Social Self and Essential Self
Project Refection
This project began at the onset of my therapy journey and reached completion only after I experienced a full transformation from darkness to light. Initially, I aimed to explore my entire psychological development—from birth, examining how my Self Structure formed and diverged from my experiences, and identifying key negative infuences. However, I encountered resistance when attempting to detail these infuences, leading me to refocus on the period following the start of therapy. During this shift, I refected on how my therapist gently redirected my attention inward whenever I anxiously recounted negative external impacts, gradually reducing their hold over me. Ultimately, this work portrays the transformation of my internal landscape during therapy, highlighting the "seeing" power of therapy. I hope it encourages those skeptical about therapy's efcacy to seek the help they need.
MOOD JOURNAL
All emotions are acceptable and have a place and a value
-- Rebecca L. Withrow
My emotions - often found to be overwhelmingly complex, are difcult to articulate. When being asked about my feelings or pressed to make decisions, I would hesitate for ages or fall into complete silence. Over time, my thoughts and emotions accumulated like a tangled mess of thread, with no outlet for release, leaving me feeling deeply distressed - until I began talk therapy and started exploring the use of colours and nonrepresentational art as a way to express my emotions.
Recognising the limitations of verbalising emotions, this project was born from the idea of continuously documenting my feelings and bodily sensations over time. By doing so, I aim to create a more precise and tangible visualisation of my emotions, making them easier to understand and manage compared to traditional talk therapy.
Research
The project draws on and integrates approaches from Art Therapy, interventions from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and techniques from Body Scan Meditation (BSM).
- ART THERAPY - EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED THERAPY (EFT)
Personal Experience: In therapy, my therapist employs EFT interventions to help me shape unformulated emotions using metaphors and imagery. By assigning forms and colours to my feelings using vivid, concrete language, I was able to encapsulate and externalise intense emotions, fnding the process deeply alleviating.
- BODY SCAN MEDITATION (BSM)
Personal Experience: Over 4 years of meditation has heightened my awareness of bodily sensations, helping me understand the sources of negative or unwanted thoughts and emotions. It has also taught me to approach my feelings with compassion and non-judgment, fostering self-acceptance and emotional balance.
Richardson, Christine. “What To Know About Body Scan Meditation,” Medical News Today, April 28, 2022. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/body-scan-meditation
Johnson, Susan M. The Practice Of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection (2nd Ed.) New York: Brunner-Routledge, 2004.
Withrow, Rebecca L. “The Use of Color in Art Therapy.” The Journal of Humanistic Counseling Education and Development, no. 43(2004).
Study
ART THERAPY EXPERIENCE - INSPIRATION
In my frst art therapy session, I experimented with paper sizes and materials. I was guided with helpful prompts, like selecting 2-3 favourite colours and 1 least favourite to express my emotions.
SPONTANEOUS PAINTING - MEDIUM SELECTION
SPONTANEOUS PAINTING - COLOUR SELECTION
When I could clearly sense my emotions, I used a color chart to intuitively select the colour that best represented my feelings, then chose a suitable medium to create an artwork.
Over time, I began to identify the connection between specifc colours and my emotional states.
When unable to precisely identify my emotions, I relied on intuition to select a suitable medium and then select colours from this medium to create quick, spontaneous art.
WORK IN PROGRESS
COLOR MIXING
When the colours I selected required blending, the process deepened my understanding of the emotions they represented. e.g. Mixing yellow revealed the diference between the lighter, joyful feel of Lemon Yellow, and the grounded steadiness of Golden Orb.
I prepared a variety of materials and tools for this project to better capture my emotional nuances. Having a wide range of choices also allowed my intuition to guide me more freely. [See the attached video for more details on the creation process.]
Artistic Reference
ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONISM
It is an American avant-garde art movement born from the horrors of the Great Depression, world wars, and collective need for a spiritual and emotional reformation. It is marked by abstract forms, expressive brushwork, and monumental scale, all of which were used to convey universal themes like life and death, spirituality, power, struggle, and a range of human emotions.
PersonalTakeaway: The ability of Abstract Expressionist artworks to successfully convey human emotions and other profound ideas through the absence of recognisable imagery and diverse techniques deeply inspired me to explore non-representational art using various tools and mediums.
Willem de Kooning - Expressive Brushstrokes
Lee Krasner - Expressive Brushstrokes
Mark Rothko - Fields of Colour
Bram Bogart - Sculptural Art
Helen Frankenthaler - Sponge as Tool
Adolf Gottlieb - Paint Roller as Tool
Final Outcome
JULY
SEPTEMBER
20 20 21
8 PM
Deep tranquility. Although a black hole exists in the depths of my heart, I feel a sense of hope.
SEPTEMBER
Feeling the burst of energy amidst the silence of the black hole.
Feeling VERY relaxed, peaceful and blessed.
Feeling relaxed and calm.
OCTOBER
28 2 3
OCTOBER
29 30 31
Being stimulated and feeling extreme excitement. Then came the withdrawal symptoms - “I want more.”
NOVEMBER
1 2 3 4
Feeling calm and mildly pleasant. There is no fatigue, not even the slightest tension.
Acrylic on A5 Paper. Paint Roller, Palette Knife.
Twine & Craft Paper.
Wall Paint on A5 Paper. Sponge.
Foam Ball. Iridescent Shred. A5 clear pocket.
Wall Paint & Acrylic on A5 paper. Sponge, Airbrush.
Wall Paint on 30cm Dia. Canvas. Paint Roller.
Wall Paint & Acrylic on A5 paper. Sponge, Polyester Fill.
Wall Paint on A5 paper. Paint Roller.
NOVEMBER
5 6 7
7 PM
Feeling relatively calm with slight tension. No fatigue. 9.30 AM
A delicate yet DISTINCT sense of joy is arising from the depths of my heart.
2.30 PM
Feeling intrigued and playful. → Feeling irritated and restless by many distracting thoughts.
NOVEMBER
10:30 PM
A surge of anxiety arose, accompanied by many distracting thoughts. Though, in general, I could feel a frm sense of self - peaceful and grounded.
10 11 12
3 PM
Tears fowed heavily, accompanied by strong emotional shifts - predominantly positive feelings. I felt very connected to my true self. 7.30 PM
The fame of my emotions has cooled down, leaving me with predominantly mild, positive feelings. 7.30 PM
Feeling blessed.
Wall Paint on A5 paper. Paint Roller.
NOVEMBER
13 14 15
5.30 PM
Feeling peaceful, with predominantly positive emotions. 8.30 PM
Inside, I feel empty and bored, while externally I’m trying hard to put on a relatively positive attitude.
NOVEMBER
12 PM - 5PM
Feeling peaceful.
→ Feeling both slightly elated and at ease.
12PM - 2PM - 6.30 PM
Feeling peaceful.
→ A brief moment of shame.
→ Feeling peaceful.
15 16 17 19
Feeling peaceful and fulflling, with positive emotions.
Feeling peaceful.
→ Feeling a bit anxious.
→ Feeling very calm, very calm.
Feeling manic and nervous.
Feeling a sense of novelty, happiness, and being supported.
Soft Pastels on A5 paper. Hands.
Acrylic on A5 paper. Sponge. Wall Paint on A5 paper. Paint Roller.
Longing for an intimate relationship - I want to fall in love.
* The sequence of colours, from left to right, corresponds to the timeline of when I fully embraced each colour during the painting process.
* Shades of the same colour carry subtle diferences in meaning. Here, I selected one shade to represent each colour while listing all the possible meanings associated with that colour.
The frequent use of certain colours refects the intensity of corresponding emotions at the time. This helps me identify the life events that triggered these recurring colours and shapes, and fnd ways to address or avoid similar situations to maintain emotional balance. Early on, my artwork featured a lot of black, but as my therapy and art project progressed, I noticed a shift towards lighter colours and the disappearance of black, refecting the improvement in my mental status.
THIS IS ME.
I love myself when I feel relaxed.
I love myself when I am motivated.
I love myself when I am energised.
I love myself when I act as my true self.
I love myself when I show love and kindness.
I love myself when I set clear boundaries with my family.
I accept myself when I feel stressed.
I accept myself when I want to lie fat.
I accept myself when I easily feel tired.
I accept myself when I hold back my true self.
I accept myself when I show my aggressive side.
I accept myself when I desires the love of my family.
Growing up in China, I was deeply infuenced by a perfectionist value system, which led me to only accept the "good" parts of myself - those aligned with societal standards, as refected in the pink text above. Suppressing my less idealised side eventually created a deep inner confict: "Who am I?" Through long-term talk therapy and therapeutic art practice, I gradually embraced my imperfections, allowing my fragmented self to reintegrate.
The project highlights six transformative moments of acceptance that brought me a profound sense of wholeness. Through each artwork, which blends my opposing traits, I hope to inspire others to realise: none of us are perfect - and that's okay.
Inspiration I INSPIRATIONS
After creating a piece that fell short of conventional standards, a thought struck me: “It’s not impressive - and that’s okay.” The realisation marked the start of my self-acceptance journey.
Inspiration II
This art therapy activity for selfacceptance helped me embrace my shadow self - the parts I dislike and often repress and deny, and acknowledge the coexistence of light and dark within me.
The 6 moments of acceptance were derived from my therapy sessions. Before and after each session, I took notes, documenting the issues I was struggling with most (shown on the left in pink) and summarising the shifts in mindset and refections gained from therapy (shown on the right in black). These notes accumulated to more than 20,000 words over six months of continuous therapy.
Project Refection
The materials used in this project primarily consist of paper in various colours, textures, and qualities. I explored a wide range of paper options to best express myself through the artwork.
While composing the opening poem on acceptance, I was moved to tears, experiencing the immense power of unveiling previously unacknowledged aspects of myself. Engaging in this project, particularly through the careful selection and understanding of materials, allowed me to discern subtle diferences among similar elements. This process heightened my awareness of the facets each material represented, solidifying their presence in my consciousness. The six moments of acceptance depicted are merely the beginning: as I curated these instances, I recognised that many more aspects await my acknowledgment. This project is an ongoing journey, expanding until I fully embrace every part of my being.
Acrylic on Canvas. 40 x 50 cm. Hand painted. Oil Pastels & Water-soluble Oil Pastels on A4 paper.
I ACCEPT MYSELF WHEN I SHOW MY AGGRESSIVE SIDE.
I ACCEPT MYSELF WHEN I DESIRES THE LOVE OF MY FAMILY. I LOVE MYSELF WHEN I SHOW LOVE AND KINDNESS.
MATERIAL EXPERIMENTATION
Spike: Aggressiveness
- Felt Spike too soft to suggest aggressiveness
- Hedgehog Mohair Spike
biomorphic - overly realistic
- Metal Rivet a torture device; lacks fexibility
Gui Rosa. Studded headgear(2024).
- Paper Spike symbolic hardness; fexibility - the spikes can stand upright or be smoothed down
I LOVE MYSELF WHEN I SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES WITH MY FAMILY.
Double Layers: (Un)Awareness
- Red & Blue Coloured Illustration + Red Filter
good concealment, though the blue beneath may not ideally symbolise love
Mariana Savka, Optics of God(2019).
- Tracing Paper + Light Source each layer remains faintly visible, lacking some opacity
Victor Arráez & Miguel Roma, Subjective
- Tracing Paper + Fire single-use onlyburnt paper cannot be reused
- Thermochromic Film heat from hands = heartfelt warmth, conscious efort
Zena Berzina, Touch Me Wallpaper(2003-).
Lisa Rodden, Alpine. Paper & Gouache. 60cm x 60cm.
Cardstock, acrylic, faux fur, foam board, timber frame. 110 x 160 x 60 mm.
Thermochromic flm, cardstock, oil pastel, acrylic, timber frame 160 x 210 x 60 mm.
I ACCEPT MYSELF WHEN I FEEL STRESSED.
I LOVE MYSELF WHEN I FEEL RELAXED.
I ACCEPT MYSELF WHEN I EASILY FEEL TIRED.
I LOVE MYSELF WHEN I AM ENERGISED.
I ACCEPT MYSELF WHEN I WANT TO LIE FLAT.
I LOVE MYSELF WHEN I AM MOTIVATED.
I ACCEPT MYSELF WHEN I HOLD BACK MY TRUE SELF.
I LOVE MYSELF WHEN I ACT AS MY TRUE SELF.
Stress balls, acrylic, timber frame. 60 x 210 x 60 mm.
Cardstock, acrylic, timber frame. 110 x 160 x 60 mm.
Cardstock, marker pen, acrylic, timber frame. 160 x 210 x 60 mm.
Cardstock, acrylic, foam board, timber frame. 110 x 160 x 60 mm.
