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CONTENTS
“ALEX, I’LL TAKE
4
MOONSHINE
‘Moonshine’ is a common name for illicitly-distilled liquor. The term is commonly believed to derive from early English smugglers and Appalachian home distillers who often engaged in illegal distillation and distribution of moonshine whiskey clandestinely. Moonshine is any distilled spirit made in an unlicensed still. As with all distilled spirits, yeast ferments a sugar source to produce ethanol, and then the alcohol is extracted through distillation using a still. Because of its illegal nature, moonshine is rarely aged in barrels like proper whiskey, and it sometimes contains impurities and off flavors, but very rarely other toxic alcohols such as methanol. The off flavors may come from improper mashing, fermentation and/or distillaton. In popular culture, moonshine is usually presented as being extremely strong and in North America is commonly associated with the Southern United States, Appalachia and Atlantic Canada. Moonshining is usually done using smallscale stills. Typically, the still is built by the moonshine producer, thus avoiding the legal ramifications of obtaining a still commercially. The pot still is made of copper or stainless steel, and a water filled barrel with a copper tubing coil for a condenser, is the traditional type of still, being popular with early moonshine producers due to its simplicity and ease of construction. More efficient reflux stills are available to the modern moonshiner: self-built, assembled from a kit, or purchased fully assembled. Lately, do-it-yourself still designs have become widely available on the Internet. "Moonshine" and "Still Making Moonshine" are two documentaries that depict the life of a modern Appalachian moonshiner, the making of a three stage still out of sheets of copper, putting up corn mash, and running whiskey. Badly-produced moonshine can be contaminated with toxins, mainly from materials used in construction of the still. Stills employing used automotive radiators as a condenser are particularly dangerous; in some cases, glycol products from antifreeze used in the radiator can appear as well. Radiators used as heaters also may contain lead at the connections to the plumbing. Both glycol and lead are poisonous and potentially deadly. Although methanol is not produced in toxic amounts by fermentation of sugars from grain starches,[9] contamination is still possible by unscrupulous distillers using cheap methanol to increase the apparent strength of the product. Moonshine can be made both more palatable and less damaging by removing the "foreshot" which contains most of the
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methanol, if any, from the mash. This is possible because methanol vaporizes at a lower temperature than ethanol. The foreshot also typically contains small amounts of other undesirable compounds such as acetone and various aldehydes. Any alcohol that is at least 80 US proof (i.e. 40% alcohol by volume) is flammable. This is especially true during the distilling process in which vaporized alcohol can accumulate in the air if there is not enough ventilation. Occasionally moonshine is mixed with flavoring agents or compounds intended to increase the apparent alcohol content, such as methanol. Sometimes, whether intentional or not, this results in a toxic mixture. Results may be capable of causing blindness or death. While poisoning incidents are rare, particularly in developed nations, together with the lack of regulation of moonshine production, they are cause for concern about the safety of moonshine. In the past moonshine has been mixed with beading oil or lye to fool people into believing that it is of a h i g h e r p r o o f. T h i s i s because when shaken, bubbles form on the surface relative to the alcoholic strength (known as "the bead"). Large bubbles with a short duration indicate higher proof. Flavoring Mixtures might consist of fruits, or even bark. The mash may be cooked through birch bark to achieve a mint-like flavor. The product might be cooked through a screen of fruit to achieve a fruit-like flavor. Fruits may be added to the liquor as a flavor additive; however, the resulting mixture may not be of strong flavor. A common "folk" quality test for moonshine was to pour a small quantity of it into a metal spoon and set it alight, the theory being that safe distillate burns with a blue flame, but tainted distillate burns with a yellow flame. Practitioners of this simple test sometimes held that if a radiator coil had been used as a condenser there would be lead in the alcohol, which would give a reddish flame. This led to the phrase: "Lead burns red and makes you dead." While the flame test shows the presence of lead and fusel oils, it does not reveal the presence of methanol, which also burns blue. Another test used for moonshine is to "proof". A small amount of gunpowder is poured in a dish with the moonshine. It is ignited and if the mixture starts to flame it is "proofed." In other words if it lights then it contains a good amount of alcohol, but if it does not flame the moonshine has been diluted. Note that this only proves the alcohol to be at least 57.15% ABV.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU 180 Magazine: Name and Occupation. AM: Allan Mueller - Professional Photographer, Representative of a marketing and distribution company for financial services, and Lisa’s husband (that can be a tough job sometimes) 180: How long have you been dedicated photographers? AM: I have been in photography over 30 years, and probably more on a professional level for over 15. 180: How do you handle creative differences while on set? AM: We both take an opportunity to exercise our own vision and help each other to develop and fine-tune those ideas. Sometimes, I just say “yes dear” and let it go. 180: Yes, choose your battles wisely grasshopper. Do either of you have 'strong points' in photography that your spouse may not have? AM: I am more technical and know more about equipment, lighting, details, etc, and I am good at solving problems on the fly. Lisa is more artsy and covers different a perspective. 180. Wow, sound like a ‘left brain’ ‘right brain’ type of marriage. Cool. What is your favorite subject to photograph? AM: I tend to shoot more Action Sports because I have been involved in that type of activity all my life. I shoot a lot of everything, because I like the challenge of getting the perfect shot and being able to adapt to each situation. I like to shoot beautiful women … well who doesn’t like taking photos of beautiful women? 180: When is the last time that you bought a roll of film? AM: At least 10 years ago. Digital is the best and the worst thing to happen to photography. It allows you to fine-tune what you capture
quickly in camera, but it has created a lot of people who think “I’ll just fix it in Photoshop later” instead of getting it correct in camera. 180: Agreed. If you could photograph anything or anyone ... what would it be? AM: There is a long list of things I would love to photograph, and some I don’t know about yet, but here are a few: Moto GP, Formula One, and Hugh Hefner with all his girls. 180: What's the most problematic issue with your industry right now? AM: A lack of perceived value in Professional Photography. Anyone can buy a digital camera, get a web site and call himself or herself a professional, but they don’t treat it as a sustainable business or profession. There is more to being a professional photographer than just taking pretty pictures. 180: Is it hard to put down your camera? AM: Yes, I hate missing an opportunity to catch a great image. 180: If I needed someone to take pretty pictures of kittens being held up with the Sunsphere in the background … would you do it? AM: (laughs)
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180 Magazine: Name and Occupation. LM: Lisa Gifford Mueller Professional Photographer, Photography Business Workshop Instructor, Fused Glass Artist, Fused Glass Class Instructor, Creative Business Workshop Instructor. Yeah, I have a lot going on… 180: How long have you been dedicated photographers? LM: Allan actually took classes in high school in photography but, although I never had any formal instruction, I always loved to take photographs, draw and paint. It wasn’t until about 8 years ago that I really learned about photography and developed my skills. As an artist, I have always had a good eye for light, color and composition and photography provides another outlet for my creativity. We’ve been operating our photography business since before we got married 6 ½ years ago. Over the years I have taken a lot of workshops and classes to learn how to be a better photographer. 180: How do you handle creative differences while on set? LM: We snipe at each other. Actually, we try to separate the duties of a shoot ahead of time: who will shoot, who will assist, will we share these duties, etc. But sometimes ‘one of us’ gets bossy and snipes at the other. We are actually really good at seeing the other’s vision and helping achieve it or even make it better. Teamwork! 180: Do either of you have 'strong points' in photography that your spouse may not have? LM: Allan is really knowledgeable about the technical aspects of photography, such as how all the lights and gadgets work. I know what I want to capture and he helps me get all the lighting set up. He loves all the equipment and I let him figure it out. My strong points are being more visually creative and seeing things differently. Sometimes I can’t achieve my vision on my own and I have to call on Allan to get the technical aspects squared away. Another strong point is my ability to talk … to anyone. 180: Really? I had no idea. LM: It is important to communicate almost constantly with your clients during sessions and that’s what I love to do. We really operate as a team and although we sometimes divide and conquer to cover separate events or shoots, we prefer to work together. 180: What is your favorite subject to photograph? LM: Lifestyle portraiture of people of any age. I love to capture people doing what they love to do whether they are just hanging out with their family or doing their favorite sport. Plain and simple, I love chasing people around with my camera capturing awesome images they will cherish forever. 180: When is the last time that you bought a roll of film? LM: Hmmm, nine or ten years ago. I know I took film camera photos of my house when I bought it ten years ago. 180: If you could photograph anything or anyone ... what would it be? LM: It’s a toss-up between photographing the Sport Illustrated swimsuit issue and traveling the world photographing people going about their daily lives and compiling the images into a coffee table book. 180: What's the most problematic issue with your industry right now? LM: You don’t have enough space for my full response. To put it in a sentence, the biggest problem is people thinking that being a professional photographer is easy and not treating it like a business. True professionals work really hard to grow their business, keep up with continuing education and hone their skills. Just because you have a great camera doesn’t make you a professional. ‘Nuff said. 180: Posers go home? Something like that? Is it hard to put down your camera? LM: Absolutely. I love to photograph of all my fused glass art, my garden, our pets…anything, any time I can so I can keep growing as a photographer. Rarely a day goes by that I don’t photograph something. For me photography is not work as it is a passion. The same is true for my fused glass art, I just love doing it.
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sm mall Trouble Wa Walk lk kin’ in shirt to you mut u te t ring “ACK!!” as s you drove offf o on the bike. Who alll was involved in producing th hat at video?
18 80 Maga azine e: I know w you’ve e been writing g materrial fo or a reco ord sin nce the he early 90s. Ho H w many songs on Anomaly have e lyriccs or riffs from id deas you came up p with bac ck the en? Ace Frehley: Sister and Foxy & Free date back to the mid90s. Everything else was written since I left KISS in 2002. 180: What was s the last stt ttrack yo ou record ou ded? ? AF: The final track that was recorded was Fox On The Run, which was produced by Marti Frederiksen & tracked in his studio in Burbank. We got the demo done in 4 1/2 hours! He’s a great producer & a whiz on ProTools. 180: Wha at wa as the e so ongwriting proccess liike for Anom maly? ? Ha as the e way you write ch hanged d much h since e the e stu uff you u wrote in the 70 0s? ? AF: My writing process hasn’t changed much at all since the early days. I had most of these songs on Anomaly demoed with Anton Fig and Anthony Esposito and I added or subtracted lyrics here and there to get the final product. Musically, the biggest challenge on the CD is Genghis Khan which happens to be my favorite song and it contains over 100 tracks! I think the last song I completed lyrically was A Little Below the Angels.
180 0: Obviou 0: usly, th here’s a lot of cool im magerry for Ano omaly – th he cove er, the animated cover th that’s on n the th Web b, the CD pa packagin ing. g How invol olved we ere you in n the ideas s an a d creattion of th he pa pack cka aging and d artwork? k? ? AF: 100% involved. I designed the cover on my laptop & along with my associate producer Frank Munoz & Rocket Science’s art designer Brian Porizek, we sat down and went through the different packaging styles & photos. After 20 years of waiting, I want my fans to get something special direct from me, not a record company concept. 180: The vid deo for Anomaly is hilarious s an and really hiit the spot wit ith h th t e Ace fans and die ehards – from the e dude with th he mullet, beer gut ut and 2-sizes-too o-
AF: KISS’ reunion tour manager. 180: Barack k Obama
AF: That was actually Frank Munoz’s concept. Frank’s the associate producer of Anomaly and my personal assistant and he came up with the idea of the kids and “Uncle Lumpy.” That’s actually his Trouble Walkin’ shirt he got at one of my shows in 1990! The night before the shoot we went with some friends to Magic Mountain where I filmed “Phantom of the Park.” It was a trip, man! I hadn’t been there in years but all these memories came back of me riding around on a scooter with my costume on through the park between scenes! Anyway, Frank said I should do some of my “Space Man” moves I did in the movie. So that’s how the commercial came about. Last count it had 87,000 hits on YouTube. Not bad.
AF: We needed a change in this country. Check out “Change the World” on Anomaly. 180: Do o you have an archive or unreleased audi do and vid deo? Have yo you ever thoughtt about relea ea asing e of that matterial? some AF Yes to all of the above. I’ve got a new CD, a new guitar, a new DVD instructional video, and a new tour. I’ll get to the archives someday, but not in the near future. 18 80: In the early 90s you were releas sing co ompute er arrtw twork yo ou des signed. I rememb m er a Les Pa aul in sp pace and d one e with the Elvis pos stage stamp p. Do you still do art rtwork k like that and do you everr plan to o make an ny ava ailable le?
180: Wha at kin nd of equipment and ge ear did i yo ou use in the stud dio?
AF: Yes. Check out the new record!!! (laughs) That’s my artwork and it’s available everywhere now! How’s that for a plug? (laughs)
AF: Guitar wise, I used my #1 Les Paul customs. Same guitars I use on tour. I used Strats & Teles, some of the best guitars I have I’ve found in pawnshops! But, to get that classic sound it’s always been a Les Paul through a Marshall Stack. That’s what you hear on my solos.
180: Yo ou are THE Spa pa ace Ace so o on o e ha as to o won nder: have you everr had a clos se en nco c unter, se een UFO Os or witnes ssed d anything g par aranorma al?
180: You’rre winding g do own the to ourr for An nom maly? ? What new w so ongs did you include e in n the se et?
AF: All the time. If the question is “Do I believe?” then the answer is a resounding “Yes!”
AF: We are adding more tour dates as we speak. I’m planning on playing in as many countries as I can. I’ll leave the set list as a concert surprise, but obviously we’ll be playing a bunch of new Anomaly songs.
180: Wha at do o you thiink about Kis ss re-recordiing several class sic songs s on n Sonic Boom m? AF: They probably thought the original versions weren’t up to par. I’ll let the fans decide that one!
180: Ace, big g cong gra ats on your so obrriety. I’’ve gottta ask: Wha at ha appen ned to make you u re ealize you u wa anted to gett cle ean? ? Was it something yo ou were able to o do by you urse elf or did you u get help al alon ng the wayy?
180: Wha at kind of mu usic are you listtening g to thes se days? ? Wh hich h class sics s are always the ere an nd whatt new bands s do o you u dig? ?
AF: Y’know you just wake up one day and you’re just tired of being tired. I’m not 25 years old anymore. I gotta watch what I put into my body. Clean living & no morning hangovers is my style these days.
AF: Led Zeppelin, Hendrix, The Doors, Eric Clapton. That’s who I’m listening to these days on my turntable. Until someone new can come around & knock my socks off like those legends can and still do, I’m still sticking with the best!
180: I’vve talk l ed d to musiici cian ans s that th have clea aned d up that told d me e the ey were almost afraid of gettting g back into o mu usic again because workin ing in n the e studio an nd be eing on the road made them m morre vulnerable le to th t eir de d mons. Is that some ething g yo ou strugg gle with, too o? Was/Is yo our mu usic a so ort rt of therrapy fo f r you? ?
Aces, not high
18 80: Doc McGhe ee
Ace relaxing with the best Kiss record EVER!
AF: That’s partly the reason I did the Rocket Ride tour last year. I wanted to see for myself if I could survive on the road clean & sober. And I did. I wanted to show everyone how much my playing has improved since my sobriety and judging from the reviews, my fans are saying I’m playing better than ever. 180: I’m m goi o ng to mention a few names. Plle eas a e tell me the first thing that comes th om to your mind for each one. Mo onique Frehley. AF: My darling daughter.
Ronnie James Dio, the legendary heavy metal frontman and originator of the “devil horns,” died May 16, five months after being diagnosed with stomach cancer. He was 67 years old. Best known as Ozzy Osbourne’s replacement in Black Sabbath, Dio also fronted Rainbow and his own band, Dio, which released the heavy metal anthem “Holy Diver” in 1983. I had the honor to speak with Dio several times throughout the years. Sure, our purpose was usually to discuss whatever album or tour he was promoting at the time, but we always found ourselves talking about sports, religion, or world events. I asked Ronnie once to reflect on his career and tell me when he had the most fun. “Actually I think the most fun for me was the very beginning with my first band, Elf. That’s easily the most enjoyable for me because everything was an experience for the first time. I’d never been out of the country. Going out of the country for the first time was a wonderful experience, not only for me but the guys in that band were friends I grew up with. To share those experiences together was absolutely the best thing that’s ever happened to me. That was certainly the happiest time, the most ‘wide-eyed’ time.” The perception of Ronnie James Dio sometimes overshadowed the man born Ronald James Padavona. Images of sorcery, wizards, demons and devils became an integral part of Dio’s character and mystique. Parents and preachers everywhere had their guard up when it came to Dio’s music, but little did they know the pint-sized metal singer was really looking out for everyone’s best interests. “I have my own religion. My religion is that a good and evil, a god and a devil, reside in each one of us as people. We have choices to make,” he said to me in a 2004 interview. “You take the high road and you can take the low road. To me, heaven and hell is where we’re living. I don’t really go a lot beyond that. I hope I don’t become one of those people who says "I'm sorry, I believe," on his deathbed just to try and get that last little favor! Your god resides in yourself. Your body, your heart, your soul is your temple. I’ve always believed that.” Ronnie loved sports, especially the New York Yankees. “I’m a sports freak. I always wanted to be a baseball player. That was my dream. I never got big enough to be able to do that. I think I might have had a shot at it talent-wise. I certainly never could compete with the monsters of today, especially as small as I am. That’s what I wanted to do. I’m in awe of athletes who are so dedicated. I think we can all learn from that. It takes severe dedication to achieve that kind of goal.” Dio loved his fans and he wrapped up one of our interviews by saying, “Thanks for giving me such a long and productive career. Thanks for understanding that I’ve written these songs for me and you and together we’ve shared them all. The only reason that people like me survive is because people care about music and care about the person that’s making it.” “Many, many friends and family were able to say their private good-byes before he peacefully passed away,” Wendy Dio, who also managed her husband, said in a statement released the day Ronnie died. “Ronnie knew how much he was loved by all. We so appreciate the love and support that you have all given us. Please know he loved you all and his music will live on forever.” Jesse Capps www.rockconfidential.com Rest in peace Ronnie James Dio.
Dio
Reclaiming the Renaissance
Pictured before you is ART. Nothing more, nothing less…I desire to challenge you. I seek to inspire you. Look beyond your initial sense of reaction. Appreciate beauty for what it is: Raw and Refined. There can be a number of interpretations to what is presented before us in the name of ART. Displayed here are two completely different pieces of expression: David by Michelangelo and the Symphony Chair featuring Joy by donovanswick of ART-ECO. I am not suggesting that the two works of art are by any means equal. I am emphatically declaring, however, that they are each doing the same thing. Both reveal the human body. They are not intended to be offensive, nor are they disgraceful. These two examples reflect the essence of what an artist tries to communicate to his audience. CREATIVITY! Michelangelo was questioned in his day about the explicit and provocative exposure of the human form (and all that it has to offer) in his works many times. He simply put it out there for the world to see. When asked how he was able to achieve the detail and execute such precision in representing the human form out of marble, he humbly replied, “It was already hidden inside the stone, I merely removed the excess.” Today we regard this work as a Masterpiece from the time called the Renaissance. I know what you may be thinking…”How arrogant to compare this to that…who are you to equate your work with his?” I implore you to look beyond your initial sense of reaction. I am not and shall not consider myself or my work as such! I want you to think, feel and create! We can only reclaim and reflect the true source of creation. We as artists make stuff out of other pre-existing stuff. Only ONE made everything from nothing! We are but facets of that diamond! We are in a New Renaissance today. Not because of me…but because of LOVE. Argue if you will. Deny it if you choose. Scoff at this presentation if you disagree. Protest the nature of ART if you desire. Truth is truth! There it is!
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
:::donovanswick::: www.donovanswick.blogspot.com s donovan180magazine@gmail.com
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Rocks ville
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Aftah Party
180 Magazine: Who are you, what do you do? Keith Brown: We are called Aftah Party. My name is Keith Brown and I play bass with the band. 180: How did the band get its name? KB: We got the name from a Outkast song called Moving Cool. A line in the song is " baby I am the opening act, the headliner, and the Aftah Party. We try to just have that complete experience in our shows where audiences feel that the heard a great variety of music and also saw a great show. 180: Very cool. Can you give me a run down on how the band formed? KB: When the band was first started ‌ my brother and me had the idea that we wanted to start a band in Knoxville that played more modern music and the music that people of our generation grew up listening to. When we first started it was myself, my brother Kenneth, Melvin Ellis and Taylor Coker. The band just did not get a good start this time and we kinda just let it go for a while. In the summer of 2008 I did a gig that had Melvin and another vocalist Rhea Carmon and it was great, so we got the two of them to be the lead vocalist in the band found some other musicians who where wanting to be a part of what we where trying to put together 180: When you think about it ... maybe the band should just be called 'Party'. You know ... you sorta' do the pre party, party, and aftah party ... so maybe just 'Party' would work better. Watcha think? KB: I think that could work too. (laughs) I think Aftah Party just sounds better. 180: Yeh ‌ I guess you’re right. When I asked Benny Smith for a band to interview ... he
gave me a short list of names. Aftah Party was one of those. How does it feel to be taken seriously by a dude with such a finger on the music scene? KB: That's really means something to us, because I feel like we have been together for almost two years and we have put in a lot of work and we continue to do so. It's nice to get recognition ‌ especially in a city that's not really known for funk and soul bands. 180: Try and describe your sound. What are some of the influences? KB: Well it's a 10 piece band so we have a lot of different people to pull ideas from. We try to incorporate funk, jazz, r&b, soul, neo- soul,
and just whatever we think sounds good we try to put it in the music as long as it has a grove to it. Some of our influences are people like Outkast, The Roots, Stevie Wonder, Donny Hathaway, Erykah Badu, Mint Condition, Bob Marley, Herbie Hancock. The list could really go on and on ‌ with 10 people, all of us have numerous influences. 180: Best experience on a stage. KB: So far it was probably playing Sundown. I love performing In front of big crowds. I love
crowds that are responsive and that really appreciate the music ‌ that Sundown crowd was great. 180: Tell me a band that I may not know of, that I should be listening to. KB: It's not a band, but a great artist named Eric Roberson ‌ he has a great live cd. I'll give you two ‌ Raphael Saddiq as well. 180: Favorite fast food. KB: Lenny's Sub shop 180: Maybe we can score you a sponsor. Favorite TV show. KB: King Of The Hill at the time 180: Favorite beverage. KB: Sprite from McDonald's. There is a difference. 180: Ain’t that the truth. My wife will crave a Diet Coke ‌ from McDonald’s. I'm a big fan of some 70's music ... simply because it was a time that horns were cool. Even Rock had horns! What do YOU think a horn section brings to the table? KB: I think a good horn section adds a certain extra punch to the band. It does make the band bigger but I think overall sound and vibe that live horns add to the band is worth it. 180: Last one ... Has modern music lost some of its passion? KB: I think it has in some ways. I think technology is great, but now where people can fix so much stuff in the studio ‌ it just takes some of the soul out the music. I like a lot of the music today, but a MPC and a sequenced track just don't have the soul of people actually playing instruments. I feel that part of what makes music soulful is all the little imperfections you may get from people actually playing or from an unaltered singers voice. 180: Agreed.
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9
Ending Our Fossil Fuel Addiction Helps Build Community By Holly Haworth
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As my delicate lungs endure the gathering exhaust fumes from the hundreds of thousands of big-ass vehicles on our area’s roads, as my delicate heart endures photographs of sea turtles dying in the Gulf of Mexico oil slick, I wonder how we can continue to sacrifice the health of the planet and all of its life forms, including ourselves, for that thing that a few massive corporations have been able to convince us––by buying our government––that we need: fossil fuels. Human civilizations grew and flourished and loved and thrived, sustained and lived and carried out their human dramas for hundreds of thousands of years before the fossil fuel industry rose up to rule our planet in the last one hundred years or so, before we built an entire continent’s infrastructure on them, before we built our food system on them and our schools and churches, those places where we revere and humble ourselves before a higher power. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me? What are fossil fuels now if not the God of our society? You are just as likely to offend a neighbor by speaking ill of fossil fuels as you are by speaking ill of God. Try telling someone that you don’t drive, that you in fact hate cars and their dirty emissions and loud noise pollution, and they’ll look at you with slanting eyes as if you are an infiltrator that somehow slipped in through the back door of their society. If you don’t love and worship and sing the beatific praises of fossil fuels, you’re considered a menace, unworthy of full citizenship. Try riding your bike on the road, the publicly funded road for which you paid part with your taxes, and see how respected your fossil fuel-free transportation is in the eyes of fellow taxpayers. They will let you know that you don’t belong, or that they don’t think you do. Fossil fuels make individuals––who may be considered decent in some sectors of their lives––dirty, nasty individuals on the road. Being enclosed in a metal box with only thick panes of glass through which to view the outside world does wonders for changing people’s character. Are they revealing their true selves on the road, their cruel and raging hearts? I don’t think so, not really. They’re revealing their deranged selves, their brains on fossil fuels, the pandemic addiction of our society. But why do we separate who we are on the road from the rest of our lives when we spend such a large part of our lives on the road? There is no separating ourselves, our actions, our character, in that neat way. We have to admit that we’re deranged not only when we’re behind the wheel but also when we’re out there, walking around in our daily lives, convincing ourselves to no end that fossil fuels make our great life possible, that this habit can last forever and if it doesn’t, well, screw it! Let the future generations deal with the ravaged mess of a tarpit planet that we leave behind! As we idle our massive engine in the drive-thru drugstore window with the air conditioner blowing across our face while we wait for our Prozac prescription to be filled, we convince ourselves that communities built on fossil fuels are making us happy. We convince ourselves that freedom is driving alone in an enclosed box to arrive at a parking lot full of unknown other enclosed boxes only to enter yet another windowless closed box, only to cross a shiny tiled floor to reach an aisle of sealed boxes (for your safety), until you find your box, the seasoning you like. That’s freedom, and by God you would fight for all these boxes that you live in, get around in and eat from. Is it freedom indeed or certified derangement? What drug could make our perceptions so deluded, so skewed, if not fossil fuels? I would fight for––am fighting for––the gentle curve of a real human body, the swinging natural step of a person, the twittering breast of a bird nesting in a tree, the untold intricacy of a tangled Southern Appalachian forest, but not for a box. Never for a box. I quietly go about my life on two small wheels, two wheels open to the wind, the air, my unenclosed face that can smile or talk to people as I pass. Two little legs walk me to the store each day, and often there are two slightly larger legs that walk beside mine, many times four even smaller, furrier legs beside those. That seems nice, like something I would want to fight for, which I am doing just by doing it. Others sometimes glare from their enclosed boxes, as if they are jealous or angry at our charmed life; still others smile from their boxes as if they admire such a charmed life, as if they would enjoy that privilege too, if they could have it. I would like to tell them that, yes, it is a privilege, but one to which most if not all of us are entitled to as humans, to use our bodies to get us places. Often it is an over dependence on that enclosed box of metal (and that box of packaged food from the windowless box store) that cripples the beautiful body, makes it go soft, inert, makes it sick and dependent upon that selfsame box to take it places. It is a privilege to live close to where I buy my food and work and go to dinner, maybe, but it is also a conscious decision I have made and have been able to make on a very limited income. It is possible to build our communities this way if we get out on our two feet and take a look, survey the streets, see where we need sidewalks and bike lanes. This is a kind of freedom, to take these matters of community into our own hands rather than struggling with the handicap of being separated from our communities by our dependence on fossil fuels. Even on a limited income, I am able to enjoy the abundant wealth of companionship, fresh air, birdsong (they sing to us all day at no charge!), and interacting with my neighbors just by making a simple choice that all of us are empowered to make. Let these intangible goods, immeasurable blessings, fuel your travels on foot and on two wheels. There are so many gifts to enjoy and to give, you see, when they come from the steady pumping heart rather than from the gas pump.
Live music thursdays 06/03
Rick Huckaby W/ Bliss on Tap 06/17
Stacy Mitchhart w/ Fifth Nation
06/10
Like Trains and Taxis W/ Taylor Corum 06/24
Denver T Stevens W/ Robert Ellis
428 South Gay Street 865.637.4181
EATING WITH E By Elizabeth Ethridge
Last Saturd Saturday my husband and I joined some friend at the Shed at Smoky Mountain friends Harley-Davidson on Lamar Alexander H Parkway in Maryville. If you haven’t visited yet you absolutely need to check it out. It’s as if someone won the lottery and decided to build the coolest outdoor hangout space in the world. The owners did not skimp on anything and I can’t imagine how much money was spent. The Shed She is a huge covered pavilion hung chandeliers. There is a first class stage, and plenty with some beautiful chandeliers concert from the comfort of your own of room for dancing and enjoying an open-air co huge garage doors that open to the lawn chair. Around back is an amazing bar with hu fresh air. Everything is clean, well cared for, and well thought out. Stacked stone accents, pretty landscaping and cool décor abound. The gat gated courtyard allows for motorcycle carnival-like air prevails and you can enthusiasts to watch shows from their bikes. A festive, c gear like reasonably priced leather vests browse through tents filled with miscellaneous biker gea and studded belts. You can people-watch to your heart’s content here as you mingle with bikers, hipsters, and regular folks of every description…young and old. Take a stroll around and view rows of cool looking motorcycles and neat old cars that are parked here and there. My husband, a self-proclaimed music snob, is very impressed by the sound system at the Shed and the capable of ears of soundman Mark Akers. Todd assures me that getting a great sound outdoors is no easy feat. But the Shed does Both bands it every weekk without ith t ffail. il B th b d we went to see, local heroes Tim Lee 3 and headliners Nashville cow punk legends Jason and the Scorchers, rocked the house and pleased the big Memorial Day weekend crowd. Oh, and there’s good food too! Stinker’s Bar-B-Que Shack, whose logo features a skunk with a clothespin on his nose, is around the side of the Shed. The fragrant aroma of dry rub BBQ wafts through the air but you needn’t hold your nose, it smells perfectly delicious. You walk up and order from a window in the screened porch kitchen. Your food will come piled on a simple paper plate and you’ll be resting your backsides on wooden benches while you sit at long picnic tables. But who cares? This is an atmosphere of casual relaxation combined with back yard BBQ… And, it tastes great! We started with Potato Skins ($7.00) served old school with bacon, cheese and sour cream. Very nice and came with plenty to share. They also offer Spark Plugs ($7.00), six deliciously crisply fried chicken wings served with chunky bleu cheese dressing. Hot and tasty Jalapeno Poppers ($6.00) are stuffed with cream cheese, breaded and fried. There are also fried pickles, nachos, onion rings and of bevy of other flavorful apps to satisfy your appetite and compliment your beer of choice. Todd ordered a Rib Platter ($9.00), which came with ½ rack of ribs and two sides. He propped his elbows on the picnic table, bent over his plate and didn’t look up again until every bite was demolished. His take, “I ordered dry rub ribs, which worried me because dry ribs can be exactly that…dry. Not this time. These were incredibly moist and literally fell off the bone. Not sure exactly what spices were used in the rub, but they were delicious and had a nice late heat. Didn’t need a spot of sauce. And the French fries were crispy on the outside, soft on the inside and very tasty. Oh, and the ribs were some of the best I’ve ever had. They really were. Stinker’s is now, officially, a rib destination for me.” Tiff had the Chicken Sandwich ($7.00), a fresh grilled chicken breast served with potato salad. She was more than happy with the dish and glad it came with pickles. Storm had a Pulled Pork Plate ($8.00) a generous serving of fresh smoked pork served with baked beans and potato salad. He loved it! Suzanne and I sampled everything and we loved it too. Straightforward and simple, Stinker’s food isn’t fancy, but you can tell that it is made with high quality ingredients and prepared with care. And, to me food always tastes better when you eat outside with friends. This tiny kitchen puts out food for every appetite from burgers, to turkey club sandwiches. Next time, for sure, I want to try the amusingly named Big Ass Fish Sandwich ($8.00) whose description notes, “You won’t believe the size of this cod fish.” Stinker’s also has a takeout menu with several choices for ordering everything you need to have a party at home. For example, Shack Pack #3 ($39.00) feeds 6-8 folks and comes with an astonishing abundance of food. You get two pounds of pulled pork, a full rack of dry-rub ribs, an entire chicken, 8 buns and a pint each of coleslaw, potato salad and baked beans. And BBQ sauce if you request it. Next time you want a fun and casual meal with lots to see, hear and do, try something out of the ordinary and head to Stinker’s. You can check for upcoming events at the Shed by visiting their website http://www.smhd.com/shed.php. And I found a $5 off coupon online at http://www.easttennesseerewards.com/. Coupon is good on Shack Packs through June 15.
Stinker’s Bar-B-Que Shack The Shed at Smoky Mountain Harley-Davidson 1820 W. Lamar Alexander Pkwy.¬Maryville, TN¬37804 ¬(865) 977-1669
Elizabeth Ethridge
{One Eighty Foodie Extraordinaire}
Open Thursday – Monday 11 am to 7 pm • Open later during special weekend events!
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THE HACKENSAW BOYS 180: Name. Position in the band. Rob Bullington - I mostly play mandolin in the band 180: Where did you guys get your name? RB: As in "to hack and saw" on instruments RB: In conversation a few weeks ago, my friend said "You've got to check out The Hackensaw Boys live show." What do you guys do different to make such an impression on people? RB: We strive to be interesting, entertaining and personable at all times. I think people like the songs too. I've also heard people say that it's fun to watch 6 distinct personalities interacting (or trying to) onstage. I can't say for sure since I've never actually seen a Hackensaw show. 180: I've had a long standing argument that Bill Monroe was the 'Original Punk'. Agree or disagree? Disagree. Bill Monroe always considered bluegrass to be his own creation and he established very strict boundaries for what a bluegrass band could, and could not, do. Can you imagine Joe Strummer telling another musician he wasn't playing "punk" correctly? Of course, Joe Strummer also said you could be a punk accountant as long as you were an honest accountant who did right by others. The Hackensaw Boys, by the way, are not a bluegrass band.
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180: Dude, he was so punk. He was chooping up chords and doing things like noone before him. THAT IS PUNK. A quote from a reporter said: 'Once you really listen though you can find the seams of the music: a deeply rooted country sensibility, a colorful cast of singers and musicians, a sense of humour, and threads bound to punk rock just as much as country and folk music.' It appears that we are in a time period of holding on to our roots, AND reinventing what we do with music. Does this fit along with what you guys are doing?
RB: Yes and No. Which is to say, we write our own songs and like to think we're somewhat original in our approach...but there are many who have gone before us and we're certainly not trying to reinvent the wheel. 180: It's not uncommon to see a punk ass skate kid with an Eminem hat and Willie Nelson t-shirt. It seems that the lines are blurring a bit. Where does this 'amalgam' of music leave musicians such as yourselves ... where or what is the next frontier for airplay? Because ... it seems that traditional formats have little future. RB: Where does it leave us? Standing on a stage somewhere playing to whoever wants to listen. What's the next frontier for airplay? Quality independent radio (like WDVX) will always have an audience because the more people have access to music the more they need someone to sift through it and be their guide. Traditional formats have no future? You make it sound so bleak. I love vinyl and we definitely intend to make our next album (due out in the fall) available on vinyl. Also, I think EPs are going to make a big comeback. 180: Naw man ... Not bleak. I’m just conducting an interview here, and try and make it interesting. If you were in a bar fight .. which member of the band would you want to have your back? RB: Jesse Fiske (bass) - here's why...Jesse is a father (like me) so I
would trust him to properly assess the situation before jumping in. Also, he's strong and young and could probably hold his own long enough for me to get away. Ferd is a fiddler, not a fighter. Shawn is just as likely to start a fight as break one up and Justin may not actually be aware that a fight is occurring. If the fight were verbal, however, I'd want Ward on my side. The newest member, Brian Gorby who plays drums, is an unknown quantity in terms of fighting so we'll have to see. 180: Best experience on stage?
RB: The night Ferd joined the band it was NYE and we played at the Ryman auditorium...that was pretty good. Personally, one of my most memorable times onstage was at the Paradiso in Amsterdam when we encored with a song I'd just written about a small town in Holland called Venlo. The audience really went for it. 180: Most importantly for me .. what band do you recommend that I should listen to? RB: Check out RPG from Richmond, VA.
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MUSIC REVIEWS BY
JOHNNY THE NATIONAL “HIGH VIOLET”
Brooding and majestic, the National comes across like seasoned pros amongst today’s indie mopesters. Like today’s Mark Eitzel, Matt Berninger’s deep, mumbled vocals, heady lyrics and the chamber pop delivery of the band resonate heavily without any of the youthful optimism of Arcade Fire or Belle and Sebastian’s playfulness. “High Violet” rises to new heights in experimentation nearly to the point of distraction but the upbeat rhythm never falters. The darkly beautiful opener “Terrible Love” crashes into low-fi murkiness “Sorrow” and “Anyone’s Ghost” are layered but they remain as one orchestrated mood building up to brighter moments “Afraid of Everyone”, “Bloodbuzz Ohio” and “Lemonworld” which are more typical of the fully achieved compositions the National is capable of. Lines like “Make us laugh or nothing will/ Set a fire just to see what it kills” and “I don’t have the drugs to sort it out” add a sharp and sober edge to the gloomy atmosphere. Often, other bands lose their momentum halfway through, but the power keeps stirring to concede with “England” and the uplifting, quirky closer “Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks.” Fitting in appropriately with their new label 4AD, “High Violet” can be bleak sometimes, but Berninger and company flesh out each lush orchestration enough to keep the pages turning. THE HOLD STEADY “HEAVEN IS WHENEVER”
The working class literate and hard rocking The Hold Steady has returned. Craig Finn and the guys put together another tribute to the rues of lost dreams and all night excess. “Heaven is Whenever” revisits the whirlwinds of getting older and wasting away with the earnest delivery of Springsteen and the crash and burn of the Replacements. As always, the lyrics wrap a story around each fat riff. “Soft in the Center” and “Rock Problems” are pretty straight-forward and hit hard while the almost alt-country opener “The Sweet Part of the City” and “The Weekenders” show the consequences of always living on the edge. The tales of lives intertwining and unraveling continue, as usual with a bit of wit and wisdom like “I don’t want you to settle/ I want you to grow” in “Hurricane J” when he half chides half recites “You’re a beautiful girl/ And you’re a pretty good waitress”. “We’re good guys but we can’t be good every night” indeed, though the Hold Steady may have acquired a bit more polish, they can still attack each album with all the guts the glory and the swagger of a weekend bender.
BLACK KEYS “BROTHERS” Some good news for fans of the old Black Keys: they’re back. Well, sort of. As Dan Auerbach and drummer Patrick Carney developed their producing chops sometimes collaborating with the likes of Dangermouse or Damon Dash, the simple blues guitar and drums format is almost gone. But what the two have on “Brothers” is a dirty soul vibe that reflects another side of their early roots. Muscle Shoals was the place to get this done. The loaded production of the last two projects finds the duo back to the two man approach even if they’re using different instruments. “Next Girl” and “Only One” with all the murky organs and guitar sounds still come across like simple blues riffs, as the whistling and other subtleties added to the single “Tighten Up” merely enhance the melody instead of getting in the way. Swirly psychedelic organs and even harpsichords flow through the album but you never lose the feeling that these songs are really performed by two guys, two simple ideas. “Brothers” proves that the right balance of stripped down talent and maybe a little subtle studio magic have kept the Keys far above any notion of being just a two man gimmick band. SWEET APPLE “LOVE AND DESPERATION” As some of you may know, I’m a fan of cool album art. Well, Sweet Apple pays tribute to one of my favorite sexy Roxy Music album covers, and let’s just say I dig it. The music is fun indeed, fun and loud as you would expect from J. Mascis (though he’s on the drums) and cohorts from Witch, his metal project also Cobra Verde (known to back up Guided by Voices). Lots of chunky glam tunefulness here, sort of like Urge Overkill or even Masters of Reality if you remember them but also a bit of Dinosaur or Queens of the Stone Age. “Love and Desperation” has lots of grand times, “Do You Remember” is almost classic 70’s rock “Somebody Else’s Problem” is a rollicking kissoff to someone who’s as bad for you as you are for them and “Can’t See You” a heavy love song. Cobra Verde’s John Petkovic on guitar and vocals wrote these songs while recovering from his mother’s death, and he may let a few melancholy moments through, but the rock is maintained with plenty of dueling guitars and the Mascis thud (he contributes some trademark screeching solos and vocals as
LCD SOUNDSYSTEM “THIS IS HAPPENING” Good news for indie techno/dance people: the new LCD Soundsystem is out, and it rocks. James Murphy once again shows us where the party’s at bringing us back to the late 70’s and early 80’s when underground dance music was new and happening. Sounds like Brian Eno’s with him too. Proving at times that he could be a total techno wiz, Murphy often simplifies things to the most basic level creating intelligent and often witty pop songs for the dance floor. “Drunk Girls” is a new wave rocker with lines like “Drunk girls are a night of simplicity… Drunk girls wait an hour to pee…” while “All I Want” is a somehow unique yet total tribute to Eno’s solo albums (the singing ones) or Bowie from the same period. “I Can Change” is an obvious nod to early Kraftwerk or Soft Cell with all the romance of an OMD tune, and “Pow Pow” proudly treads all over Talking Heads or !!! ground. While “This Is Happening” recreates lots of these sounds, Murphy makes them his own. Tossing out one classic new wave reference after another, “This is Happening” will make even the smartest hipster want to dance.
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As a die-hard music fan, I will say this about most of their work in films; they need to stick to singing and performing music! Unless you’re a rapper who’s about to turn 30-something (seeing as how they become too old to rap and have nothing else to do), just keep on doing what you’re good at! Nobody wants to see Willie Nelson try to be John Wayne (spoiler) or Ozzy Osbourne play a serious role without biting someone’s head off. If you want to save a couple of hours of your life, and I know I could have used the ones spent watching these movies, then I suggest you refrain from ever watching these failed attempts of rock stars becoming actors.
Red Headed Stranger 1986 Here’s an idea for a movie: Let’s take Willie Nelson’s classic album of the same title and make it into an epic western that makes the songs tell the story with Willie playing the main character. What could possibly go wrong? Well, aside from the fact that Shotgun Willie can’t act his way out of a paper bag, the songs are thrown together in a fashion that is really awkward and does not create much of a feasible story. The fact that his “preacher-turned-killer” character gets shot at point-blank 14 range and lives does not really help the film either. Truly one of the many examples of a great album that gains notoriety as a crappy movie.
The Man From Elysian Fields 1986 With a plot line that’s as awkward as a prom dance, Mick Jagger plays the role he was born to play as a head honcho of a company that provides male escorts for rich married women. In other words, he’s just your average pimp. While his role did not require that much acting on his part, the movie is about as entertaining as watching paint dry. It just goes to show that you can just as easily have Scorcese direct you at your own concert and make tons more money than you would trying to act in a “legitimate film.”
Tommy 1986
Trick Or Treat 1986
Beer For My Horses 1986
Whenever someone decides to take a classic album and turn it into a movie, it seems that there are various amounts of drugs involved. Take filmmaker Ken Russell’s adaptation of The Who’s groundbreaking rock opera, where the band’s own frontman Roger Daltrey plays the role of everyone’s favorite deaf, dumb, and blind pinball wizard. While cameos by Elton John, Tina Turner, and Keith Moon are somewhat entertaining, the movie seems to embark on somewhat redundant symbolisms (like Tommy’s loss of virginity to the Acid Queen with robots and other weird things) that even die-hard fans would agree are absolutely unnecessary. While the music will forever remain timeless, it leaves fans of the album with staggering visions of what shouldn’t have been, aside from Ann Margaret in her prime.
Perhaps the most ironic thing about this movie is that the ads posted for it exclaim, “Starring Ozzy Osbourne and Gene Simmons,” when Ozzy only makes an appearance for two minutes as an evangelical preacher putting down rock n’ roll for brainwashing our children! Mr. Simmons, however, plays a less than supporting role as a radio deejay to the main character, who just happens to be the nerdy kid from “Family Ties” trying to be a heavy metal kid. (You already know where this is going right?) With probably the worst storyline in any movie made in the 80’s, and that says a lot, this movie rushed into obscurity with tales of dead rock stars trying to kill teenagers through the radio. Of course, after KISS Meets the Phantom, Gene Simmons probably knew he couldn’t do any worse in a film career with this one. Still waiting for the good one though.
This auspicious film stars Polk County trailer park’s favorite patriot Toby Keith as a police detective trying to solve a case with his sidekick Rodney Carrington. Already sounds pretty bad, doesn’t it? It only gets better. Whenever they get into a tight spot, they can always count on Ted Nugent as, well, Ted Nugent, without any dialogue, that is. (Probably a good thing) With various reviews about as bad as Toby Keith’s last few albums, this film had enough material to fill an entire Jeff Foxworthy stand-up routine. While this may be appealing to many bland-country devotees, this does not make for any form of a decent film whatsoever. The only thing missing from this movie was Larry the Cable Guy.
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FUMP WEEKEND 101
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Wakeskating is a water sport and an adaptation of wakeboarding that employs a similar design of board manufactured from maple or from fibreglass. Unlike wakeboarding, the rider is not bound to the board in any way, which gives the sport its own unique challenges. Instead, the top surface of the board is covered with griptape, (in a similar fashion to a skateboard) or a soft, high-traction, foam covering that is kinder to riders in the inevitable crashes. Riders usually wear shoes while riding to afford themselves extra purchases on the board, similar to skateboarding.The speed at which riders wakeskate behind a motor boat is generally 16 – 20 miles per hour. However, this depends on water conditions, the weight of the rider and their proficiency in the sport. Some of the earliest activity resembling wakeskating dates back to the late '70s and early '80s with freeboarding or wakesurfing. Originally, eventually the sport evolved towards boards that riders would surf behind boats with long boards, but were much shorter (ex:4'8) which allowed riders to launch airs off the wake and even ollie. However, the watersports industry leaned strongly towards bindings, resulting in the focused evolution of wakeboarding. Wakeskating would eventually begin to take notice in the mid '90s, and the growth continued. It is increasingly popular in youth culture across the globe, but is prevalent mainly in its country of origin, the United States. An aspect of wakeskating that draws many aficionados to it, as opposed to wakeboarding, is progression without the need for the large and extremely expensive boats (necessary to create the wake for wakeboarders to achieve maximum air time). An alternative to using wakeboard boats to tow riders is using high powered jet skis. This method of watercraft can provide an adequate tow, with little or no wake. Jet skis are better for shallow water or where water obstacles are available to perform tricks on. Another recently popular way of wakeskating is behind a winch made specifically for wakeskating. Wakeskating tricks are inherently more technical than wakeboarding. The tricks are based firmly on skateboarding as opposed to snowboarding. Numerous tournaments and competitions exist throughout the world for the sport of wakeskating. A number of tricks and stunts are possible while wakeskating. Lip tricks- Using the lip of the wake like a rail, these tricks can be done behind any watercraft. Lip tricks can be very basic (frontside lipslide to bs 270 shuvit out) or very complex (kickflip to frontside boardslide to body varial to frontside lipslide to backside 450 bigspin out), but most deal with the 4 basic lipslides. Frontside lipslide, frontside boardslide, backside lipslide, and backside boardslide. Lip technicians are known to trim down the technical names of these moves by dropping the "side" and "slide" off any of these moves, i.e. "Front lip" or "front board". Lip tricks are a unique facet of wakeskating that, during its formative years, gave it much of its flow. This was something that appealed to riders from all action sports and helped to build wakeskating's budding reputation as a fun and legitimate board sport. While progressive lip tricks are often overlooked in the upper echelons of wakeskating now, lip tricks are still an important part of wakeskating's identity and continue to be popular among its amateur and casual participants. Defined by frontside or backside. Flats tricks- The equivalent of flatground in skateboarding, doing technical moves in flat water on either side of the wake is another facet of wakeskating helping to separate it from wakeboarding. In the nature of wakeskating's evolution most flats tricks are directly translated from skateboarding and continue to progress as fast as any other facet of wakeskating. Defined by heelside or toeside. Re-entry- Using one side of the wake as either a quarterpipe (per skateboarding) or a wave (a la surfing) are the two most common ways to describe re-entry moves and this distinction can also help shape the style of a wakeskater if he/she subscribes to either method of boardriding . Starting from the bottom of the wake and riding up to the top, a wakeskater pops the trick from the top of the wake and lands coming back down the transition of the same wake he/she started from. Most re-entry moves are first learned in the flats and then brought to the re-entry for either more pop or for the new experience. Doing more than one re-entry move in a "line" is also more likely to "flow" when compared to flats tricks. Defined by frontside or backside. Inside-out- Starting in the middle and doing moves off the back of the wake into the flats is called inside-out. Like re-entry and flats, most insideout tricks are heavily influenced by skateboarding. This method of doing tricks involves more lateral motion than flats or re-entry, making it slightly more difficult but the transition of the wake from the inside-out can give a wakeskater more height on a move than simply doing it in the flats. This lateral motion is also useful when learning wake to wake moves. Defined by heelside or toeside. Wake to wake- Boosting. This method of doing tricks on a wakeskate has the most potential to get maximum height. Usually done on a boat that puts out at least some semblance of a wake, it involves 1. cutting out into the flats and 2. cutting back in towards the wake, the rider then uses the wake to 3. launch into the air, 4. crossing over the middle of the wake in the air, and 5. landing in the transition of the next wake to soften the landing, this technique can put a wakeskater 10+ ft. into the air. Wake to wake is comparable to vert ramp skating as it is generally less technical than other facets, but allows for big air and is generally more appealing to non-endemic spectators. Like vert skating, wake to wake was one of the first aspects of wakeskating in the early years and even though there are a few people still pushing the limits of both, they are no longer at the forefront of their respective art forms. Defined by heelside or toeside.
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If My Car Could Fly, I May Have Missed The Point: a lesson via THE HARD WAY by Brandon L. Jones The angels, they must have been cradling my body inside that car as it drifted through the air that warm and too dark Sunday night from off that narrow and winding, tree-lined and still unfamiliar road that led into some undeserving stranger’s lawn. Too much drink most definitely was to blame. Along with sorry driving and way too much speed. Same old story that took the lives of other cars in my past, like hurt and ignored love beaten away by an angry hand that never deserved it in the first place. But life sometimes dictates that we drive. So I did, around one curve and straight through another, shooting off the pavement like the first skip of a stone on the ripples of a lake, though I went out across a ditch and slammed into the earth instead of merely sinking below the surface. At least that is what I was told, after the friend whose house I had left that night went back to the scene down the road to investigate with a quick turn of his head while passing by so as to not look as though he were associated with the vandal who left those nasty tracks in the grass. He also said—using his finger, thumb and a crinkled up nose to illustrate—that had I been just a tad bit more to the right soaring off that road, I would have been eating windshield shards as a midnight snack, leaving my ghost behind to lick his fingers clean. It was far too quick for me to recall, or perhaps the angels were squeezing me too tight, covering my eyes. But when I landed, they must have let me go. And I exited the scene through the stranger’s stranger neighbor’s lawn, with the silhouette of one on their front porch in my rearview mirror, a blackened figure before a pale p o r c h l i g h t. That was the last clear memor y of that night. I awoke with my clothes from the night before scattered about on the couch in my bedroom, the hum of the oscillating fan shaking me awake with a breeze and too much noise. Funny how it soothes the sounds of night away but can’t touch those that come with the morning’s light. And one terrible feeling. I laid there in bed, searching, wading through my mind. Something had happened, I knew that much. But what? The car? Please, God, let it be out there. There was no dream. Something indeed, I knew in my sinking heart, had happened. I snatched the covers from across my heavy eyes, put on a pair of shorts and shoes and tip-toed ever so gingerly out the door, down the stairs and into the parking lot, into that morning light that revealed my car . . . in perfect shape? Or at least intact. Oh, dear God, but what is that under its nose? Dirt. Grass. Awful trouble. The recollection of something strange from the night before sounded off like a thunderclap inside my head, where it felt like a bolt of lightning had already touched down. I placed my shirtless back on the gravel-strewn pavement and tucked my throbbing head underneath the front bumper, immediately discovering a very large clump of earth that had stowed itself aboard the car’s undercarriage following my little ill-forgotten misadventure. And a great big dent holding hands with it. Upon further investigation, having reluctantly popped the hood, I noticed the right side of the radiator had been pushed up about an inch and a half. In fact, the whole damn engine had shifted sideways on me. Nearly two inches, I thought, closing my eyes and sadly shaking my hurting head. Alas! my real worries had begun. What in the hell am I to do now? But start it. I climbed inside and placed the key in the ignition, slumping my head and exhaling a weary sigh into the steering wheel while looking between my whitened knuckles and the bowed gap below my raised hood, whiskey-laced morning breath blowing back in my face off the windshield. And then I twisted the key. It cranked right up. The angels, they had saved more than just me. My poor car, too. My down-turned mouth rose in the corners. I leapt out. Closed the hood. Jumped back in, grabbing the top of the door and pulling it shut as I hit the seat. Ready for the road. Go get something to wash all this filth and worry away. I shifted the car from P to R. The upturned corners of my mouth crumbled like a clod of old soil in a farmer’s hand, sprinkling to the ground as R brought to life the most hideous sound I had ever heard
my poor car make—an anguished cry for help, like an abused spouse in the hands of a sorry drunk the next morning trying to make amends for the night before. My foot still on the brake, I pulled the gear shifter through N and stopped on D. The wailing ceased. Angry seas of Neptune, what have I done to this poor thing? She had had enough, like all the others, was all I could think. That and of an excuse to tell anyone what had happened, to either of us, a solid one for those who would just be ashamed. Thinking of those angels, thanking them quietly for my spared soul, I wondered . . . wondering and still— all the while thinking, knowing that I had obviously driven my car home after the accident, How bad could it possibly be? Having contemplated the fact that my car was effectively totaled, I ran through the very limited number of ways that I could obtain another one on a jobless man’s salary and debating what it would take to simply fix the damn thing, I decided to call my brother—my automotive angel in human flesh—to bring forth my car’s salvation, to raise it from the clutches of inoperability. Which he did, in fairly short order. My brother came over to my apartment on his first available day. In a nut, he jacked the car up, put stands under either side of it and proceeded to lift the engine with the jack. Raised, forced up inch by inch from under the oil pan, the engine fell back in line with the four bolt holes of the arm atop the front engine mount that had literally ripped loose from the block upon impact. With the two salvaged bolts and two new ones I purchased, he screwed that arm down with the might of Thor. Afterward he instructed me to chop about two inches of the top radiator hose off in an attempt to straighten a kink caused by the radiator’s new position, which I quite messily did. He then cranked my poor car’s engine, minus all the melodramatic sighing, and we listened to it sing softly as it had the day before—before I figured I’d see if it had wings, anyway. I hopped in and we made a lap around the apartment complex. He told me that fixing the front passenger-side axle that was all too loudly telling us where it hurt shouldn’t be too bad. He parked it. And then my automotive angel
Z
spead his wings and flew up, up and away and left me to all my worries of the things below. He did descend again to fix that, too. But the lingering worry isn’t about my poor car, not now. It’s my apparent need to drink and drive, or at least my consistency in doing so. Perhaps this time I learned a lesson, learned something that will make me stop a few drinks short before sticking my key into that ignition. I don’t know. They didn’t, but I hope those angels don’t turn their backs on me the next time either. I hope there is not a next time. But the difference between hoping and happening is as fine and indiscernible at times as is that line between enough and one too many drinks. And I’m afraid I’ve never known when such a line is drawn. And I’m afraid . . . to start my poor car again, for Christ’s sake. Because I like drinking more than driving. Sometimes, though, you can’t do one without having to do the other. Because walking is far more difficult than driving when it’s too late. And—and, well, there are simply far too many excuses for me to keep on trying to churn a new one out. I only pray there are as many angels, such as the ones who held me and the one who helped me. I just hope one of them can talk some damn sense into me, point out that line, before there is no next time and I can’t tell you what a fool I was.
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THE KING OF GAMESHOWS BREAKING IT DOWN ONE HOST AT A TIME. ULTIMATELY, SOMEONE IS GOING TO REIGN SUPREME AS THE KING. CHUCK WOOLERY
MONTY HALL
MONTY ... THE DEAL HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE MY FRIEND... CHUCK WINS.
CHUCK WOOLERY
CHUCK WOOLERY
GENE RAYBURN
LOVE CONNECTION, MILLIONAIRE, LINGO. C’MON NOW....
GENE RAYBURN ALEX IS THE SMARTEST, BUT PROBABLY A BIG ASS BORE AT PARTIES. GENE? HE’S GOT TO BE GOOD AT PARTIES.
ALEX TREBEK
A
BOB EUBANKS
TURN TO COMICS FOR THE WINNER!
BOB BARKER IT’S A MATTER OF LONGEVITY ... BOB WINS HANDS DOWN!
BATTLE OF THE BOB’S. EUBANKS WAS JUST A BIT CREEPY SOMETIMES, ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT ‘MAKING WHOOPY’.
BOB BARKER
BOB BARKER
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And the winner is.... Robert William "Bob" Barker (born December 12, 1923) is an American former television game show host. He is best known for hosting CBS's The Price Is Right from 1972 to 2007, making it the longest-running daytime game show in North American television history. After holding the job for 35 years and being in television for 50 years, Barker retired in June 2007. Forget that he was the foremost spokesperson for animal-rights activism, forget the fact that he was 1/8 Native American Indian (Sioux), forget the fact that we always assumed that he and Barker Beauty Diane were an item, his cameo and line of “Now you’ve had enough ... Bitch!”, as himself in Happy Gilmore sealed the deal.
F! FD U I N A S