Hidden eggs 2

Thea Zelda Louise Wilkins www.etsy.com/uk/shop/TheaZLWilkins

HAIRCUT LOL

by Cicely Drew

I decided not to care about what other people told me to look like in a semi-conscious decision made a few months ago, which has since solidified into a stance where I consciously eschew anything that tries explicitly to mould me into a Thing. That phrase ‘visual culture’ is bandied around a lot, so much that I suppose I never really felt the negative impact that it was having on me and everyone else. It had become flattened by over-use, and the meaning no longer registered.

The tipping point lay in an almost clownishly stupid experience I had not long ago. Until recently I got my hair cut for free, as one of those hair guinea pigs at various salons.

Initially it had been fun, especially at Vidal Sassoon where they were splash happy with the pink, purple and green hair dye, and pretty damn good with a pair of scissors.

But then I moved to Brighton and had some fairly shoddy experiences. Obviously not everyone was on a par with the legendary Sassoon, instead parroting their gospel in a bland commercial approximation.

Around that time I’d been whoring myself out to several different hairdressers, as short, fast growing hair takes quite some maintenance, when I got a call from my main hairdresser guy. He’d just got a job at a newupmarketsalonchain, and would I like to come in for a training evening?

Of course! I said naively, not envisaging the hell that was waiting for me. These four-inch pieces of hair emerging from my scalp could potentially break into a frazzled bush of split ends any time now. And I can’t say no to free stuff, so..

Several days later I was sandwiched in-between two men with half unbuttoned shirts, who poked my head from right to left as if it were some kind of weird, fleshy pendulum, murmuring things like ‘asymmetric’ and ‘unusual hairline’. When they’d

decided what my vibe was, I was carted off to have my make-up done by the receptionist, so that the previously unmentioned audience of people watching could gaze upon my face unscathed. In reality, the result was so Pat Butcher that I couldn’t believe she and I hadn’t had a bust up in a past life, and that this was my punishment. On to my face, in hues of orange, pink and blue. Yes, blue. Blue eyeshadow! And red lipstick! Shiny red lipstick and royal blue eyeshadow!

The whole evening was leading up to a series of haircuts in front of an audience of hairdressers from the various salons over the country, demoed by the creative director and the owner. The two other girls involved were actual models, with gazelle legs and huge haunted eyes, haunted because they had been denied so frequently the joy of breakfast (and lunch, and dinner). I felt short and fat and basic, despite being 5’8. But at least I’d had scrambled eggs that morning.

Even had I not been flanked by two leggy ultra-babes, It would have been shit. As well as the trowelled on make-up, they made us don sculptural Cyberdog (that weird, scary shop in Camden) dresses, made from lycra and foam. I chose the least revealing one which was tiny and made me look like the michelin man due to the becoming tyres of foam circling my body.

Unfortunately it didn’t quite cover my bum, so you could see a tiny sliver of the red granny pants I was wearing, as well as my crotch through the thin mesh of my tights. Where, where were the 200 dernier when I needed them the most? The actual demo was embarrassing for all parties, me because of obvious reasons and for my hairdresser because he had no rapport with the audience whatsoever. The crowd glared disapprovingly, a sea of paisley-shirted, shiny loafer-ed “urban professionals” with cropped The Kooples jeans, refusing to look anywhere except through the screens of their absurdly large iPads,

or at their new gel manicures. He and the very camp creative director had awkward, jovial conversations to fill the silence. Nobody else spoke. I quickly drank my huge glass of complimentary wine and relaxed into the utter humiliation I was experiencing. Through the veil of free flowing alcohol, the sea of deadpan human beings in front of me seemed less threatening. What did I care that that girl with the perfect fringe managed to maintain the polish on her shoes? She had probably never jumped into the sea naked, the boring, judgemental fucker. I had already decided that my only saving grace would be not allowing anyone to see my totally visible arse, planning out the crab-style way I would exit once it was over. But in the end, that was taken away from me too as I was asked to do the immortal ‘spin around’- so fun when you are five years old and wearing a poofy party dress, but not so much on this occasion. I probably made it worse for myself by loudly announcing ‘this dress is too short, so you can see my pants’, but I felt that acknowledging it would be better than silently enduring the knowledge that EVERYONE SAW, but nobody mentioned it. You can imagine the rest. It was not great, and there was some stifled laughter. An hour later, after watching gazelle’s one and two have their hair pulled into interesting stylesone of which involved crimping, black paint, and tissue paper, I was allowed to leave.

This was an experience which acts mainly as an absurd anecdote to tell my grandchildren, but in the same way that a detox clarifies you, embarrassment and pain can sometimes be instrumental in helping you to see things clearly. This did that. It drove home how women are constantly told that we need reasons for choosing to look the way we do, that we must pay attention to trends and that ‘looks’ should constantly be re-enforced as a way of branding ourselves. Throughout the night, creative director and owner waxed lyrical to their staff about the importance of shoving new trend developments down customer’s throats. Not being aware of the exact shade of silver dye that is ‘in’ seems to constitute a valid reason to commit hara-kiri. I had a moment of self-questioning when I got home that evening, standing in front of the mirror and thinking- is this really what I should be basing my decisions on? And is it really what some people do base their decisions on? But no- of course it is not, for the vast majority of women. It is an insular bubble that feeds off the bullshit it spews out. Regardless, every time I chance to open up a copy of ELLE or a similar magazine, it tells me a variety of ways that I can better

myself physically. Ways in which I can be more polished, or look more like this or that woman with sex appeal. It denies the many other thing that women should aspire to other than looking sexy, and also that what works for one person can’t be pasted onto a million different faces and bodies and have the same effect. Looking good doesn’t work the same way as a transfer tattoo. It’s the sum of how you feel, look, behave and who you are in general.

A set of crooked teeth or a grown out mohawk might be the most attractive thing about a person in the context of them, but looking at glossies would never tell you that.

Perhaps the only way to rebuff this constant stream of criticism and self analysis is to refuse to engage with it.

I’ve been trying, and it’s not easy resisting a huge, money guzzling industry that has some of the most compelling advertising techniques out there. Realising that I really did not need it, that it was in fact inhibiting, was a turning point. It felt like starting afresh.

Looking good doesn’t work the same way as a transfer tattoo. It’s the sum of how you feel, look, behave and who you are in general.

Now I go to a barbers to get my hair cut, and the guy asks me things like ‘what number would you like’, which I didn’t understand at first. Apparently men’s razors work by numbers. I could still go in with a picture of Edie Sedgwick if I wanted and say ‘do something like this’, but I just don’t have to pay fifty quid for it. Even if you don’t want to get your hair cut at the barbers (which is totally understandable, I don’t even, reallyI’m just skint) I do think that the expectation of women to drop big bucks on simple self maintenance needs to stop. Looking after yourself shouldn’t be a stressful or demoralising experience. Women need to stop being told that they must invest their time and money in fixing their appearance, rather than investing their time in being a person. And yes, you can still love fashion and want to bow down at Jil Sander’s feet, and consider visuals, and care about how you look. These things aren’t inherently shallow, but they become negative by being constantly used as a tool of oppression. Making that separation clear is endlessly important.

I still have to cut my fringe myself, however- apparently nobody but me can get that right, regardless of whether I pay eight pounds, fifty pounds, or have to dress up as a mascot for tyre commercials.

Cicely Drew, www.thealmondtree.tumblr.com

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hea Wilkins and Suki Price are Brighton visual artists who have been involved with organizing theatrical life drawing classes, the first inspired by a visit to New Orleans. These events contribute to the strong life-drawing community in Brighton, from larger events such as the Drawing Circus organized by Jake Spicer to classes in local pubs, aiming to encourage drawing as more of a social activity and something everyone can do and enjoy. They have also desiged and produced an Urban Sketching kit.

What was the inspiration behind the New Orleans life-drawing event you organised?

SUKI: The life drawing events came about because I organized a group exhibition inspired by New Orleans, and lots of different things spun off from that, including the chance to raise money for a really lovely arts charity in there called Nola Rising. Nola Rising aims to bring communities together; it started after the hurricane, kind of by accident. People were writing street signs to help the volunteers find their way round and were told how uplifting people found them.

They were all hand painted and brightly coloured, so they started building on that that by painting little phrases and words that were uplifting things to keep people inspired keep people being creative.

They held events to inspire people and we just felt like it was so in line with the exhibitions we wanted to create it would be really good to help them. A percentage of the sales of all of the paintings from the exhibition went towards the charity, and we tried to find other ways like raffles and donations to try and help Nola Rising.

So when was the first event?

SUKI: Well the first one happened last year, in a way it was just a way to bring New Orleans here, it was an excuse to get immersed in the culture that I miss it so much. If anyone’s ever been there they seem to really miss it as well, especially people who like to create work that’s about something they really love. We did an event last year to open a brief exhibition which turned into quite a big party with costumed life drawing in the middle of it, so this year we decided to do two different events, a whole theatrical costumed life drawing event with three different sets and five different models and a party with live music and the exhibition.

Jake Spicers drawing circus, photography courtesy of Jenny Davies (both images) www.hootingmissowl.com

I had a loose narrative which connected the two main sets. One was a New Orleans cemetery and one was a swamp and then we had a ball going on in the other room- like a masquerade Mardi Gras ball- so the narrative went between the characters in the cemetery and the swamp and involved a voodoo witch doctor and a stone angel who was brought to life, and an alligator and a waif (she was based on a painting I have yet to complete, a version of Ophelia but in a swamp).

The party this year was really good fun. It was quite nice to separate the two; it meant we could really go for it with the life drawing.

I got some more ideas for life drawing events and longer single session life drawing, mostly from Jake Spicer and the Draw Brighton Team- he’s got a drawing circus. I met Jake at a trapeze class and we became friends. I started modeling for his life drawing sessions and then started doing some costume poses; I really enjoyed thinking of the costumes and the sets and liked the idea of creating a scene as a piece of artwork. The drawing circus ones happen all the time. They put on a Norse Gods one last night. They do themed events which will take up the whole big hall and lots of people come, so that’s really inspiring. I volunteer for the events and have done some modeling as well so that ‘s what has really inspired me to have a go.

Was it mostly friends and people you know who attended or did you reach a wider audience?

SUKI: I love the fact that if you put New Orleans on something people are really curious. There are a lot of fans out there, there was a guy who I’d never met before who came with a New Orleans Hawaiian style shirt, with hundreds of little pictures of things from New Orleans over it. It’s a theme and a place that gets people excited and tugs on their heartstrings.

There were loads of different artists involved with the exhibition and lots of people come to the life drawing and the party just seems to be such a broad spectrum.

THEA: I was taking the money on the door and there were regulars and there were people who had just seen it was about New Orleans and thought, ‘Wicked, get into the voodoo spirit of everything!’. so it was a mixture of new people and people who go to the Drawing Circus .

I think art has been turned into more of a status symbol, the unattainability of doing the artwork because it’s been made precious.

How would you describe the ‘Urban Sketching Kit’ you have designed?

SUKI: We got inspired by the blog Urban Sketchers, which is a brilliant online community of people that go round sketching, walk around on their own or sit in coffee shops sketching the scenery. They can join the blog and upload their pictures and kind of connect people over the Internet. So we made these kits from antique and vintage tins, which are enameled, filled with everything you need for sketching

When you were organizing it did you think of it in terms of making it an experience rather than a lesson?

SUKI: Yeah I think so. I think after putting on my own exhibitions and organizing the private views there is always such a build up to it and I think if you don’t think of it as an event it can be a bit of an anti-climax; and I always want everyone else to be as excited as I am, and if its your own artwork it can be hard, I try and think of it as more of a party than a viewing and the theme just lends itself to celebration. As soon as I think of New Orleans I can think of a million different ways to celebrate through food and drinks and music that are a really part of the culture there.

THEA: It felt more like a party and you so happened to be able to do some drawing so it meant that I could bring my friend along and he wasn’t as confident. People get really nervous sometimes about life drawing.

You need to make them forget that they think its hard work and remind them that its fun, and then while they are having fun they accidentally do some brilliant drawings, because they weren’t worried about it. A way of getting drawing into peoples lives that’s different from seeing it in a gallery and thinking its beautiful, but its nothing to do with me.

SUKI: I think art has been turned into more of a status symbol, the unattainability of doing the artwork because it’s been made precious. But if you take away the need to make something that no one else can make and enjoy the process then everyone can join in, I think things like the Big Draw are really good for that: the events that Quentin Blake works with to get everyone to have a go, I do believe everyone has creative impulses and some people are afraid to let them out

Why did you choose to use upcycled materials?

SUKI: I think partly the aesthetic of the vintage tins we got some beautiful little tins which I think are much more exciting to carry round with you than a plastic black thing.

THEA: I work in a stationery shop and I’m not excited to sell things there in there, its crazy because Brighton is such a wonderful place for art students and there isn’t really a good art shop so basically we wanted to create something that’s vibrant and exiting to get people inspired. Up-cycled basic materials that are good quality.

Thanks to Suki Price & Thea Zelda Louise Wilkins www.etsy.com/uk/shop/JoanofArtBrighton

“It’s serious business finding a man” Tolerance and openmindedness are vital. What you believe in would not be an issue for me but here’s a helpful list of things I DON’T believe in so you can make an informed judgement:

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Very long haired, outstandingly breasted 25 year old female seeks some guy.

I like funny men. But not too funny; I don’t want to feel like I’m in a relentless quip battle.

A man could quite bicep

whose body is chiselled to the point where he very soon be carved into a statue, but not yet. Good arms are a must; I like a defined – or “cep”. Triceps I can take or leave.

I enjoy a good boat race and, believe me, if I like yours I will throw my regatta all over it. But for real, I’m as shallow as a lido in a working class suburb, so I’m typically attracted to strong jaws, a nonchalantly sprinkled facial thatch and eyes as green as the Hulk’s coin purse.

Amy Donnell TWITTER: @wait_whut

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Society Haircuts The Calendar Money Withholding sex on the 1st date Health & Safety Religion Early 2000’s silk cargo trousers Team Sports Socks War Paperwork Toilets Men in flip-flops Success Time Current affairs Infidelity Dieting Measurements Toiletries Shoegaze Horoscopes Holistic healing Pants Irony Marriage People who haven’t seen Bladerunner People ordering different meals at restaurants Precisely seasoned foods Unconventionally shaped furniture

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E I B M O Z

S A C R

Where was it you played?

We saw you play with Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät in October, how was your tour with them?

Ryan: Ah the tour was five stars going super-nova, that’s what it was for us, it was the greatest moment this year and definitely our greatest moment ever Darrel: Staying up late is good, its very lovely staying up late with girls Luc: Good girls on the whole beautiful stuff girls, boys, ladies rock on Alex: I wasn’t really there for most of it I was only there for the last day ‘cos I was ill Ryan: Well how was the last day?

Yeah the last day was good!

David: Yeah the tour was really good, going different places

Ryan: On the first of October we went to the Macbeth in London, the next day we went to the Wharf Chambers in Leeds, the third day it was the Heeley Sports and Social Club in Sheffield, and lastly right here at the Green Door Store in Brighton, and then PKN had one final show back in London at the Lexington the following day but we had done enough The gig at the Green Door was packed. What were the other gigs like?

Ryan: It varied a little bit; the first night was packed to the maximum the place had completely sold out so we were happy. The next two days the crowds weren’t that full maybe that’s because we had never performed in those venues before, we’d never even been anywhere further north than London, but then of course when we came back here it was sold out- because people know us in Brighton and it was our second time playing in the Green Door Store. That’s why they were packed to see us and went into a psychotic mosh pit right at the end Alex: Yeah it was really good Darrel: Marvellous! It was the dog’s bollocks!

Ryan: That’s the first bit of editing to do. Are we allowed to use that?

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Yes that’s fine you can swear Ryan: Ok fuckfuckedy fuck fuck fuck Do play much outside of Brighton?

Ryan: Mostly in Brighton at Carousel’s main official event the Blue Camel Club, they happen at events like the Rock House in-fact we’ve performed at more Rock Houses than anyone. …

Luckily for us they have happened this year. We’ve had all that we can really ask for, in February we had two big mainstream gigs, one of those being here and the other one being at the Shacklewell Arms in London to promote Richard Phoenix’s band Sauna Youth –Richard Phoenix used to be Carousel’s music coordinator – in August we were rated the ‘highlight act’ of 2013 Supernormal Festival.

Daryl: Well that was awesome.

Ryan: And then there was the tour that we have already spoken about… and then tonight for the first time ever the Rock House steps out of its usual housing the Westhill Hall and comes downhill to the Green Door Store, a perfect place for us- which is kind of like synonymous Daryl: And tonight we are going to mosh pit and all the women are gunna go… and everyone are gunna be mosh pitting and going wild Ryan: Just don’t forget we are being interviewed by two women…

s and u o r e t s e boi b y l ge” a e t t s e l n p o to com ur attitudes s t c n i t all o ral ins h t u i t a w n c i r ou mphat e d “It was n a d out e who are also on there, and we k c a h w Who is the songwriter in Zombie Crash?

All: All of us!

Alex: Everyone except me! I’m not very good at songs Ryan: If were gunna get technical, its mostly Daryl and Luke and James who come up with most of the themes, with me I’m just away doing the instrumentation for it and …Alex? And …are mostly still learning as they go along and doing a bloody good job of it so far Alex: I did write bassline for a couple of songs that we did. I wrote a couple of songs.

Were you working on separate projects before you joined forces?

Ryan: Well yes as in before Carousel? I did spend the previous year, and a bit more becoming a guitarist in my own right before eventually coming to Carousel to hone my craft, that’s what happened with all of us except for Alex and Dave. Us four and also original member Darren Baker who was in the band for the first half of 2009 originally started out on the Create This Music training course in 2007-08, and we graduated with two others

came back as two groups carrying the temporary title of Create This All-Stars. In February 2009 the title passed into obscurity as the two groups came up with official names to become official bands at Carousel. Two of them who are separate became the Fuzzbomb Band, this kind of Pop Punk duo, and us lot became Carousel’s first ever Metal band, ZOMBIE CRASH!!!

Are you happy to be described as a metal band?

Ryan: I think it was our natural instincts to completely be boisterous and whacked out and emphatic with all our attitudes on stage. The kind of characters we take a lot of influence from like, most notably with professional wrestling, half of us are big pro wrestling fans which is why we have an alter ego; The Wrestle Maniacs. Myself James and Alex perform over some backing tracks of music which has been used past or presently in pro wrestling. So That’s really what drew us to Metal and we were really expanding on hard rock and heavy metal sounds in our time, and I knew we just wanted to get as loud and wild and aggressive as we could and so it was inevitable that we were going to get to metal.

So the stage personas are part of the wrestling influence?

Ryan: All the theatrics behind it, and sometimes the performance itself, events happen that we can compare with wrestling or anything else Darrel: Before I sung in Zombie Crash, all these lemmings, pop hatred, pop music I hate.

All pop music?

Darrel: Some Ryan: No no no no we are not going against all pop music alright, but some things we aren’t going to take seriously Luc: It’s stupid, we’re in Zombie crash!

Darrel: We don’t we don’t want to be a…we prefer it like how we are.

Would you ever do a metal cover of a pop song?

Ryan: We don’t really want to further promote something that we are against. In terms of being popular, tonight we are covering a Christmas classic, celebrating 40 years.

What kind of ideas DO you want to promote with your music?

Ryan: I can think of one thing, get our names into Metal Hammer magazine or Terroriser which will be a real step up Darrel: And also get a metal record deal! Don’t get a bloody Simon Cowell one!

So fame and fortune then?

Ryan: But even if we don’t get that far, we are still a group who are able to count our blessings and appreciate the scene that we already have, this whole learning disabled community, is an empire of its kind!

Darrel: And we are going to go fucking wild tonight!!!

Luc: Yeah!

James: And we’re Zombie Crash, not to mess with, we’re a learning disabled band, we are not going to get fucked with tonight!

What involvement do you guys have in the Shut Up and Listen project?

Ryan: Well actually Shut Up and Listen is mainly radio, but it is also being used as a title for Carousel’s entire music category but yeah it is mostly known for being the only place on the radio to hear music playing by artists with a learning disability, as its slogan says. And some of us are on the committee, myself and Luc are on the committee What does that entail?

Ryan: Well… what’s the best way of describing it? It’s kind of like the Jedi Council equivalent.

Daryl: Or maybe the dark side like Anakin Skywalker!!

Ryan: I’m not talking about that, I’m making a comparison!

Its like the Jedi Council equivalent in the learning disabled community, its us deciding what is good, what is radio worthy, and performance worthy ‘cos the Shut Up and Listen committee have spent the past two years consolidated with the Blue Camel Club committee and it’s a mix of different backgrounds, different experiences, all working as one Daryl: We are here to go mental, start mosh-pitting, bring the Metal back, back to Britain!

For more on Zombie Crash take a look at thier blog! zombiecrash.blogspot.co.uk

Photography by Flora Maclean www.flora-maclean.tumblr.com

Miles Page, Chair Experiments, www.milespage.com

Emily Davis, Untitled Collages thatcollage.tumblr.com

Marfa, Texas. 2013 Sophie-Rose Asquith I met an astronomer called Jimmy who had travelled from Louisiana to see the Marfa Lights.

We talked all night in the Desert Dark. He picked out the constellations for me, I stayed until I was too cold.

We said goodbye and both turned to look again, a last time, at the expanse of blind nothing.

A light switched on, and I screamed, he shouted. It pulsed yellow then green. Then another beat next to it. They both suddenly drew a line across the desert floor, and flew like swallows.

I cried a bit, then we said goodbye again.

I’ve been thinking recently, maybe they are bioluminescent creatures, like squid,dancing for each other at the bottom of a black sea.

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Photograph courtsey of Steve Rapport

shit, we were just this weird human canvas covered in shite”

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“...in a way it was kind of unwittingly performance art, we were doing mad Smeg, a native of Bexhill on sea, and former singer of Brighton band ‘Smeggy and the Cheesey Bits’ has been the frontman of band King Kurt through four decades, gaining the worship of various scootering clubs who seek him out where ever he goes - including a gang with home made bikes called ‘The Hardly Ride-ables’ - and building an impressive repertoire of experimental stage costumes.

When did you join King Kurt?

A girlfriend that I had in Brighton when I moved to London came back with these tickets to see them play, when Jeff (the previous front man) was going to leave, and I went along and saw it, and that’s how that sort of happened. But I was umming and ahhing, and someone said to me ‘Naah you should do it’ and now I’m still doing it! Knocking nails in the shed.

What jobs have you had in-between/along side being in bands?

All sorts of rubbish… the staging and stuff building stages. I used to be forced to do rigging at the Academy when I first started doing it, and er, sort of know about everything really.

I still build the dance floor at the Brixton Academy. I think its O2 now, but we’re still there. I’ve been working there on and off since 1987. I know it quite well. And now one of the guys who used to do it fell foul of cancer so I ended up stepping up to supervise, and I’m just not a practical person. I dunno how I do it really; just tell a lot of fibs.

I did the same thing when I lived in Canada , it was just more corporate, the fashion shows and things like that. Then I used to prep stuff for shows, do all the lights and things and load lorries on my own, load 53 feet trailers that four people complain about, and I did it on my own. I was sort of being an idiot at the same time, there were people that wouldn’t work unless I was working, so they couldn’t get a crew unless I was there, so they had to keep employing me.

How the did the ‘Hardly Ride-able’ scooter gang came to find you?

The club who came to find me in Canada was the Reservoir Gods, they are kind of a conglomerate club from other clubs, some of the Hardly Ride-ables are members of that, so basically yeah that’s how that all started. We did a show at Loughbrough University, where one side when you came into the venue, was all Harleys and Choppers and stuff and the other side was all these mad scooters. It was just this big thing going on between the bikers and the scooterists, but there was no violence or anything like that, it was just sort of who could do the maddest stuff. It was all based on the fact that in the Destination [Zululand] video we had a scooter with loads of people on it - the Fire Brigade had made it for a charity thing- and it had a Lambretta headstock purely because of that we acquired this big scootering audience.

Do you have any other strange sub-cultures/groups following you?

Errr I don’t know really…

I think it was more a mixture of different types of people, and just a matter of people being eccentric individuals rather than groups that you could put a name on. None of the people who came originally wouldn’t have, the genre we were lumped in with in the end was ‘Psychobilly’ which I don’t really think the rest of the band or anyone who’s in that sort of thing would say that …

What string of words would you put together then if it wasn’t Psychobilly?

Twits That’s only one word Totally Wankered Idiots Taking Something called the piss. Or totally wankered idiots taking something. I feel like I just invented something! Totally Wankered Idiots Taking Something. TWITS. I’m going to use that again. It will be in the newspapers. Old women terrified by gangs of TWITS From what I remember of watching your performances with King Kurt performances is your dancing The jiggling? Its not really dancing I’m terrible dancing. Can’t dance at all. Even when we did the Mac the Knife video, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but the reason I am dressed in a bit of a shark is because I couldn’t do the dancing routine.

They brought some choreographer in and we were supposed to be doing this little dance thing and all it was like The Shadows thing and I just couldn’t do it so they put me in half a shark and I just run up and down when everyone else was dancing. So it’s not dancing its just stamping round

Well you do all the things with your hands Oh yeah its just sort of something to do with your hands, you can’t smoke while you are shouting, its just an attempt to be doing something. In many respects I’ve discovered in later years, to cover up the embarrassment of standing there.

Tell us a story about Noddy Holder We were doing a TV show in Berlin, and I was very ill. This TV show was with Robert Plant and Slade and Willy Deville, and Maria McKee, or whatever, the one who did the ‘Power of Love’. It was a massive thing, God knows why we were on it but we were, and Paul never liked flying so we used to stay up drinking so he could get on the plane. And we turned up there late, we’d been up all night we turned up at the airport and wondered ‘Where is everybody?’ staggering round and then other people turned up. We had to wait till we could get on the flight, so by the time we got to Berlin we’d missed everything we were supposed to be doing, We turned up to this place that looked like Mega City 1 and they led us through this labyrinth of corridors till we came into this great room and they said ‘This will be your room’ and they said ‘This fridge will be your fridge, and THIS fridge will be your fridge, and THIS fridge will be your fridge!’ They just pointed us at fridges full of booze.

We were too late to do anything, and we turned up at this hotel, probably the poshest one in Berlin, run by these little geezers dressed like monkeys with bells on running around.

And we hear all this Brummy stuff going on, and its Noddy Holder. He comes running over and says ‘Oo oorlrite lads’ and he’s got this bright blue drink in this little cocktail, I asked ‘Ooh whats that’ he said ‘Ooh I dunno its blue!’ and you know that sort of comedy thing I cant remember who does it is it Bob Mortimer and Vic Reeves? They’re EXACTLY like that, its like they must know them or something.

Photograph courtsey of Patrick Gilbert

The next day we were dressed as vicars for this TV thing, it was about 4 in the afternoon and Paul’s gone ‘Come on, come on we’re leaving’. I got in the lift and sat down in the corner of the lift, they picked me up and I was sick in something, they got me to the foyer and plonked me down on some flight cases. They got us into at the back of the taxi, I couldn’t open the window or make the geezer understand I needed the window open so I had to vomit into my own boots.

They got me out of this taxi to this big thing, they wanted us to do all this photo-shoot shit, and oh God it was a nightmare, I couldn’t stand up. They we’re just doing these photos and I was leaning against the wall and I’d just be sliding down.

Then we were doing this camera rehearsal and I was sitting on the side, just so, I can’t do it I just can’t do it, then fucking Plant comes up and says, ‘Yewl never do it, yewl never fookin do it, naw way you can ever fooking do it, look at the state of you’ and I said ‘Fuck off hippy’ and then off he went. We did the camera rehearsal and just vomited

everywhere all over the stage the manager, the record company people came and grabbed me and were dragging me off .Hawkins [manager] made me walk round and round and round the building. There was a massive turn out, and I felt marginally better, they kept making us do stuff, Big Nose [drummer] was getting all fucking irate, and we were just about to go on to do the show, to a live audience- just miming thank fuck- we went on did the thing. It wasn’t brilliant, came off, and I was sat in exactly the same place I was earlier, and Plant came up and nods his fucking head and puts his hand out and goes ‘I didn’t think you’d be able to do it, fucking all power to you boy’ and I was like ‘Yeah cheers Hippy’.

st int ere stin g I fee l” “I’v e dre sse d in jus t Ma rm ite. Ma rm ite wa s the mo

I was talking to Don Powell [Slade’s drummer], and, well and I was like ‘I’m talking to Don Powell I cant hold it in! This is mental for me’ I was saying, ‘I’ve loved Slade since I was a kid, its like I’m sitting next to one of my heroes!’ and he went ‘Fook off ’, swigged another swig of his drink and then fell asleep on the bar, and he was drooling so badly, just drooling at the bar. And then Noddy Holder comes up behind him and goes ‘Here, look at this!’ and just spammed him!

And his fucking head went back and you could almost see it coming off the hinges, and all his hair went flying and all this snot was going everywhere and he’s going ‘Fookin hell Noddy!’ and Noddy Holder’s just laughing. Absolutely brilliant. Don Powell told me to fuck off ‘cos I said he was my hero.

Did you have any other interesting costumes apart from Jesus, vicars…

I’ve dressed in just Marmite. Marmite was the most interesting I feel. Someone was whingeing on ‘Ooh its not our audience, its not going to work for us tonight’ and some friends from the scooter club turned up at the 12 Bar – they’re mad- they asked what I was up to, and I said ‘These are all frightened that something’s gunna go wrong for us. By the way did you see a corner shop or anything on the way in?’ They took me to this corner shop and I ordered seven jars of marmite and the woman was looking at me like ‘Why do you want seven jars of marmite’. I said, ‘Well I might need eight, so if I come running in here later on dressed in nothing but marmite and a pair of boots with a white bum you’ll know what I’m after’ It took hours to get my trousers off when I got home and we were going to Sicily in the morning and er we were leaving really early, and Elenora came back from work and I was there peeling these jeans off and it was like being waxed but worse, I had bruises. It’s like superglue when it dries marmite, its terrible. And I didn’t think to get in the shower in my jeans, so stupid, we were down on the beach and it looked like someone had come up with a marker pen and drawn all these bruises.

I heard you once wore a bacon costume.

It was an Elvis suit, that’s what I told Paul anyway An Elvis suit made of Bacon?

Well yeah it was the last thing he wore innit, bacon, peanut butter and vomit. He didn’t vomit did he…I think he did?

You went on stage wearing peanut butter and bacon Peanut butter and bacon, holding two bananas and nothing else. How many years before Lady Gaga? Twenty, fifteen? She was a bit late to the game. Her meat suit was way behind mine.

Mine was meat with peanut butter chiffon.

On reflection in a way it was kind of unwittingly performance art. We were doing mad shit, we were just this weird human canvas covered in shite .

Thanks to Gary. More cheesey bits at; www.cheesybits.com

Photograph courtsey of Patrick Gilbert