A spring break smeared with images of tanned skin, lotioned and bouncing drunkenly to pagan rhythm and saturated by the flash of cameras and the whip of sand. A frat
H I G H E R T H I N G S __ 22
party of plastic cups, giggling girls and in the background couches and sirens burn. An ancient Ivy League stone rising from autumn leaves as a sweater-vested student crunches through the quad. Is this what college life is really like? All through high school this is how I envisioned college until I was graciously accepted by the “Harvard of the Midwest” itself, Valparaiso University. So what are the typical extra-curricular activities at a turtleneck-wearing Lutheran University besides cow tipping and hayrides? After doing some Tracer-Bullet-like undercover work and interviewing thousands, I got the skinny on what my contemporaries really do when classes are over. (I would tell you which stories I was directly involved in, however, my parents are regular readers of this magazine and I have to uphold the façade of the “good pastor’s kid.”) I found out that Valpo students do the same things as students across the country; from Harvey Mudd in the west to Susquehanna University in the East: we follow the unwritten law of spontaneity—this God-given gift of creativity and imagination, cultivated by Lego’s and solidified by solving the backs of countless cereal boxes. So, without further ado, here is what college students really do when night falls and the only thing to watch is Michael Essany on E! Students generally like to get off campus to exert their independence and primal instinct to travel and explore this land of the free. Here at Valpo, students generally go to the local combination of landmark, mall, and city that the general public refers to as Wal-Mart. One night at Wal-Mart, me and some pals…or let’s call him Howie and some pals, took some of the bikes near the toy aisles for a spin.This friendly and innocent child’s play quickly escalated into a grizzly and dangerous highspeed 3:00 a.m. race around the store.The grind of the gears, ferocious pounding of our competitive hearts and blurred flash of thousands of marked-down products quickly drowned out the yelping pleas of tired employees for us to stop. One by one, a friend would lose traction and skid to a halt by either furniture, electronics, or if lucky, the pillow and blanket section. Howie was not so lucky. Staggering to his feet, rug-burned and out of breath, Howie was quickly pelted with a large bouncy ball from a flabbergasted employee, after which Howie was forcefully asked to leave…a fulfilled and better human being. On my dear friend Alisha’s birthday, she managed to turn off the “Thursday night line-up” of sitcoms to play on the nearby playground instead. With a torrential downpour well in session, the innocent spontaneous
