The Five Greatest Movies Never Made

By Martin Luther (Doktor) Poorly Assisted by Anthony Sacramone

And so, my Lutherans, we meet now between the covers of a magazine. It is I, Martin Luther, taking a much-needed rest from blogging at Luther at the Movies, to offer a much-needed guide to the best and worst of modern-day cinema.

First, you must forgive a quick flashback as I think about my own schooldays: the early mornings trudging through the snow, endless lectures in Latin, the ritual beatings. Today, all I read about is how students need their egos massaged and their esteem raised! In my day, if a teacher looked at you twice, it was because he thought you were stealing. I’ll never forget the advice given me by Professor Wilhelm Dorp. Grabbing me by the throat, he said, “Luther, you are a disgrace to all of Saxony and will amount to absolutely nothing.” He then thought about it for a second and softened his tone, suggesting that if God were merciful, I might one day have a job in the copper mines as a poison gas detector. I remember thinking, “He likes me! He really likes me!”

But we are here to talk about the movies, where music, drama, dance, art, set design, fashion, computer technology, and rancid snack foods come together to spark our imaginations and enrich our lives. Unfortunately, 99.9 percent of everything produced by the nincompeeps in Hollyweird has the cultural value of a moldy Handiwipe.

And so, allow me this opportunity to inspire you—our Lutheran youth—to go out into the world and create movie magic of your own. Rather than sit in your parents’ basements the rest of your lives whining about that particularly embarrassing incident at your prom, I want you to get into film schools and shock the world with your artistic brilliance.

To put some ideas into your heads and jump start potential careers in the cinematic arts, I do hereby present The Five Greatest Films Never Made! Yes, these are films that should be in theaters but are not. Why? Because the big movie studios are too busy making Saved by the Bell IV: Screech vs. Jason.

1. Sufficient for You

The life of George Müller, who cared for more than one hundred thousand orphans in Bristol, England, in the nineteenth century without ever asking for a single penny from anyone. Instead, he relied solely on the providence and grace of God to supply the needs of those in his care.

2. Lord Katie

The life of Katharine von Bora, from nunnery to the plague years, is pulled from the shadows of history into the light of the twenty-first century. Her unstinting generosity and Christian compassion is too often ignored in all the huggah-muggah over her blowhard husband.

3. Abyssinia

Dietrich Bonhoeffer is a young student in New York City, far from his native Germany. He soon begins worshipping with African Americans in the Abyssian Baptist Church in Harlem, and his education expands beyond mere books. A narrated correspondence between Bonhoeffer and a friend back home describes their mutual realization of how bigotry in all forms is a denial of God’s image in each of us.

4. And Now the Good News

After a successful undergraduate career as a religious-studies major and writing on religion for a local Midwestern paper, twenty-twoyear-old Elizabeth Wagner is rejected by an Ivy League journalism school despite high marks and fulsome recommendations from professional reporters. She suspects religious bigotry but nevertheless sets out to play the game by academia’s rules. She will break the hottest story heating up newsrooms nationwide: who murdered the dean of that Ivy League journalism school? And why is everyone suddenly suspecting her?

5. The Inklings

A fictional account of one evening in the life of the group of British Christian thinkers and writers who made up the famous Inklings: C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia), J.R.R. Tolkien (Lord of the Rings), Charles Williams (All Hallows’ Eve), and Owen Barfield (among others). But this evening will change their lives in ways they could never imagine. It is the first night of the Blitz, the sustained bombing of Great Britain by the German Luftwaffe.

I now leave it to you, my Lutherans, to add to this list—not merely on paper but on the big screen itself. And if cinema is not your calling, then encourage those for whom it is, and also remind them not to forsake higher things in the pursuit of higher profits.

Martin Luther received a doctor of theology degree in 1512. He launched the Reformation in October 1517. He died in February 1546, which apparently has not prevented him from continuing to blog, write, and generally assail. Anthony Sacramone (not pictured, thank goodness) graduated a University Honors Scholar in cinema studies from NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and is currently the managing editor of First Things magazine. He also provides Dr. Luther with technical assistance and an ample supply of Count Chocula. Dr. Luther can be reached at martinluther@ earthlink.net. If you expect him to reply to you, expect him also to be grumpy.