Broken Homes

By Rev. Tim Pauls

No big deal. Right?

It’s no big deal to be a kid in a broken home. Right?

After all, it’s common. The Census Bureau reports that about 67 percent of kids in America live with both parents. That means 33 percent—one third!—don’t. Media coverage obsesses when a celebrity gets arrested. But when over 24 million kids are in broken homes, it’s too everyday to be news. Meanwhile, broken homes are a staple of TV and movies. Maybe it’s because a broken home makes for more creative tension. Maybe Hollywood really does war against traditional families. But the message is that it’s no big deal.

But it is. Growing up in a broken home is tough. If that’s you, you don’t have the advantage of your mom and dad in the same house. It may be a joint custody deal, where they each have a home and you shuttle back and forth. It may be that you’ve never met your dad. You may have parents who are civil to each other; on the other hand, they may be openly hostile. They may be well-behaved, or they may be sleeping with the one who broke the marriage apart, even while you’re visiting. They may be repentant or unapologetic or distantly numb.

This is bad for the adults, but it’s far worse for the kids. Kids from single-parent homes are more likely to struggle in school. They’re at least three times as likely to become addicted to drugs; at least twice as likely to have sex before marriage; and have a higher rate of smoking, alcohol use, and even arrests. After all, parenting is a full-time commitment for two people married to each other. Kids need attention, love, caring, instruction, affection, time, security and more. That’s how God designed things to be. Single parents are often exhausted from doing the work of two, and they may well be clinically depressed after the devastation of divorce. They simply can’t provide the same attention and support that two parents could. Left on their own, it’s no surprise that the kids are lonely; and three tempting ways to cope are to grow more lonely (leading to depression), find an escape (like drug and alcohol abuse), or find some sort of companionship (thus the temptations of premarital sex or criminal gang activity).

Even if you haven’t given in to these temptations, you know things could be better. You’ve been robbed of a lot of childhood, not to mention the ongoing example of how a family should work. Worse, it has a profound effect on your life—present and future, even though it’s not your fault.

It’s not fair. But it is the situation you’re in, beyond your control. So how you respond will be crucial— both psychologically and theologically.

Psychologically, a counselor I know would tell you that it’s all about the choices you’ll make from here. This is true. You can’t control your parents, but you can control what you do from here. (While we have no free will when it comes to salvation, we have some freedom over our daily acts.) There are some common, damaging choices like manipulating your parents’ guilt or making their lives miserable by backtalk, disobedience, or getting into trouble. You’ll be tempted to internalize the hurt and stop communicating with anyone. Not only do these choices make matters worse for everyone, but they prepare you for misery throughout life. Is it fair? Is it easy to make the right choices? No. It’s easy to give up and simply blame your parents, but you have the choice to act differently, act better.

Better choices would include these. Choose to stay focused on your schoolwork; and where you need help, choose to ask the teacher or a knowledgeable student for help. Choose friends who will support good behavior. Choose to talk to a counselor who works with kids from broken homes, to help you sort out what you feel, talk through anger, and repair what has been damaged. (I understand that this costs money, but it’s a worthwhile investment in the future. Your pastor can help you find one who will support you in the Christian faith too.) Choose to speak with your parents about how they can help you: for instance, a parental visit might be great, but not the night before you have two final exams. In some cases, sadly, it may be necessary to ask your parents to behave better if their lifestyle includes sins (like an adulterous relationship) that hurt you. Is that a tough talk? Absolutely, but still a better choice than saying nothing at all. Does it break the 4th Commandment? No. It speaks the truth and encourages them to fulfill their responsibilities as parents.

There’s one more good choice to mention: choose to talk to your pastor. A pastor is not the same as a counselor, though some are trained in counseling. (I, for one, am not. In fact, I’ve run this article past a psychologist I know more than once to make sure it’s on target.) Counselors are there to help you with those choices we’ve mentioned, to help you adjust and deal with your situation as best as you can. Pastors are there to tell you God’s Word, to care for your soul. Your pastor can see how God speaks to all of this in His Word. He can hear your private confession and pronounce Absolution. He can tell you about God’s faithfulness for you.

You see, the devil loves to pick off kids from broken homes. Parents are supposed to be God’s instruments and a reflection of God’s love for you. That mirror is broken along with the home; and tragically, the kids sometimes reject God because He calls Himself our “Father,” and they’re fed up with parents. Don’t be fooled: the devil delights to give you any reason to reject the only One who is always faithful.

David once wrote, “When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me” (Psalm 27:10). At times, parents fail miserably, which makes this world that much tougher. This doesn’t mean that God has forsaken you; instead, for you, He sent His Son into this world. Jesus was forsaken. He was forsaken by his family of disciples, who left Him to suffer scourging and death to look after themselves. He was forsaken by His own Father on the cross, but why?

Because His Father was unfaithful? No. God is faithful to you, so much so that He sacrificed His only Son on the cross for you.

Jesus suffered the anger of man for you. Not all of your anger is righteous; so your Savior died for your anger that is sinful. You’re going to want to withhold forgiveness from your folks, so Jesus has died to forgive you. Even when you know the right choices to make, you won’t always make them: so Jesus chose to become flesh and go to the cross and suffer in your place, that He might choose you for eternal life. Because you’ll want to strike back at your parents and not honor them, Jesus prayed, “Thy will be done” to His Father, even when it meant the cross. He did this for you. There is never a day when the Lord forgets that He’s written His name on you in Baptism. There is never a Lord’s Supper where He fails to give you His body and blood to forgive you and strengthen your faith. There is never a moment that He does not keep His promise, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).

This promise is for you…and for your parents. A broken home is still a heavy cross to bear. Forgiven, you have the Lord’s promise that He has overcome the world for you, and that He is with you always, to the end of the age.

Rev. Tim Pauls is associate pastor at Good Shepherd Lutheran Church in Boise, Idaho. He is also the Higher Things Editor. His e-mail address is tpauls@goodshepherdboise.org.