Dating

By Bethany Smith

Dating—this one little word has the power to strike fear, longing, romance, excitement, and even loathing into the hearts of teens and their parents alike. From formals like prom and homecoming dances to the most casual visit to a coffee shop, dating is all around us. But how should a Christian approach dating? I would suggest that the first course of action is turning to the Word. No objections? Ok, let’s see if Scripture offers any dating advice.

Scripture has quite a bit to say on the subject. There’s Genesis 2, which makes it clear that God created man and woman and intends them to be together. Or take Genesis 29 where Jacob works for fourteen years to be a worthy husband for Rachel. Then there’s Proverbs 31, which details the attributes of a virtuous wife. Part of God’s will for us is that we refrain from sexual immorality (1 Thessalonians 4:2). Ephesians 5 even reveals to us what is expected of the husband and wife in the marriage relationship, while Matthew 5:32 contains hard words against divorce. And let us not forget the big fish, the Sixth Commandment, which forbids adultery.

This brief overview tells us a lot about men and women, husbands and wives, but what about dating as we know it today? Sure, it is clear that God has certain expectations of our behavior both before and during marriage, but is there a form to be followed in preparation of tying the knot? Is dating preferable to matchmaking by a third party, or is an old-fashioned courtship superior to purchasing a wife? How long should you date before marriage? Even more specifically, should he pay for dinner when you’re out, or should she offer a tip? Should he be expected to open all the doors and let her proceed before him, or should she follow him out of respect for God’s order of creation?

The reality is that Scripture doesn’t directly answer these questions. And when something is neither commanded nor forbidden by God, it is called adiaphora, which means “indifferent.” Adiaphora is a matter of Christian freedom. And dating is adiaphora.

“So,” you say, “we’re right back where we started. Thanks for nothing!” No, not quite. In light of Scripture, and my own observations and experiences, I humbly offer my own bit of dating advice.

RULES.

The society we live in today tends to take an extremely casual view of dating. Except for certain expectations of basic manners, rules are basically nonexistent. Many couples engage in sex, move in together, and even buy houses together while still in the dating stage. As Christians, we are in the world but not of the world, so such behavior is unacceptable. In order to prevent sin, many young people establish certain rules tofollow. This is a noble goal, but you must remember that even the strictest precautions will leave opportunity to fail. A dear friend of mine did not kiss her husband until their wedding day, yet she confessed to me that such a rule—strict by many standards—is not enough to prevent sin. Jesus says that lust in the heart is the same as adultery (Matthew 5:28). So don’t be like the Pharisees who devised arbitrary rules to live by in an attempt to relieve their consciences. Sin is sin.

TIME.

Patience is a virtue. I remember the longing and loneliness that accompanied me through high school and much of college.

Whenever a friend assured me that someone would come along, I always thought, “Easy for you to say!” How quickly we forget that there is a time for everything under the sun. Waiting for the right person is so much better than wasting time with someone who is wrong for you. If you are already seeing someone, there is no need to rush to the altar.

Remember, “do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (Song of Solomon 2:7). But when temptation threatens to overtake you, consider 1 Corinthians 7:36–37. Maybe it is time for marriage!

FAITH.

What it all comes down to is that even for something as seemingly commonplace and normal as dating, we still fall on the mercy of Jesus Christ. Despite the noblest rules and the most valiant effort to live up to your principles, and despite having the patience of Job in your search for your soul mate, you will face obstacles. You may lose that patience while you wait, and you may cross the line with your boyfriend or girlfriend. For those who struggle with sins of the flesh, repent. Look to the cross. You are forgiven. For those who struggle less, beware lest you give up sins of the flesh for sins of the heart—pride, self-righteousness, and the like. Repent. Look to the cross.

There really is no golden rule for dating, but you can proceed with the knowledge of one who knows what God expects of your conduct, with humility in the certainty that at some point you will fail, and with comfort in the sure promise of forgiveness.

Bethany Smith dated and survived. She is now happily married. E-mail her at confessionalgirl@ yahoo.com.