The Bright Light of Jesus

By Amber Scarbeary

I was raped. For a long time, I grappled with feelings of fear, anger, shame and insecurity. These emotions led me to become secluded and not confide in anyone what had happened to me. Questions lingered and raced through my mind. What might happen to me? Pity, nagging questions, investigation, trials or rumors? My refusal to deal with these overwhelming emotions during this time caused a deep depression. I felt lonely and worthless. This struggle was reflected in my school work and friendships. I lost most of my closest friends due to my seclusion. My grades slipped and I was tempted to drop out of school. I went from being a happy, social high school student to a shadow of a girl with no hopes for the future.

As time passed, I was eventually able to confide what happened to my family and eventually, trusted friends. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve done. However, through this experience I have learned so much:

That there is freedom in forgiveness.

Jesus teaches us the power of forgiveness in the book of Luke when He is being crucified. He says, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” What happened to me was not my sin. My rapist sinned against me. But my holding onto un-forgiveness was also a sin. I’ll never forget the moment I decided to forgive my rapist. I felt so freed from all the darkness I was holding onto. Reminded of Jesus’ forgiveness, I let go of the power the devil had been using to hold onto me.

I also learned that I can always trust the Lord to help me through the struggles of recurring emotions from this trauma. It is not a sin to feel emotions but, it is wrong to use these emotions negatively or hold onto them as hatred. Often, I am angry that my purity was stolen from me. Yet, I know that when I am married and consent to the man that I love, that will be the real time I have given up myself. I can pray to the Lord to grant me patience and strength until this day.

That I am pure.

Through God’s gift of the sacraments and baptismal waters I have been washed clean. My favorite Bible verse is Luke 7:47, when Mary is washing Jesus’ feet and the others around the table speak unkindly about Mary and her behavior and Jesus declares, “Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven.” This verse reminds me how His perfect life is mine in Christ Jesus. More than that, Scripture presents the deeper reality that we, His church, are already the spotless Virgin waiting for our Bridegroom, Jesus.

That God is at work.

One of my proudest moments was graduating high school. I had wanted to drop out due to challenges both inside and outside the classroom but my family and teachers pushed me to keep going. I worked toward many goals—some little, some big. I have run a half marathon, several 5Ks, am attending college, held a job for over four years, attended and volunteered for numerous Higher Things conferences. Each of these achievements shows what God has given me. God has given me the talents and the capability to do anything He sets before me.

That I LOVE the body God gave me.

I have flaws. I also have God inside my heart and soul. I hold His word on my lips and sing praises to his name. 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 is a comforting passage:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ the Father of all mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in affliction, with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share comfort.

I have been stitched together with God’s Word and been nurtured and guided from birth to serve Him. How powerful is it that God has a plan for YOU and the bodies he has individually created for YOU? You are never alone with Christ and our Church family. Every Sunday we are reminded of Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice for us through the Holy Sacrament and our baptismal gift. Jesus died on the cross for the sins of all people and that even includes even my rapist’s sins.

That I need to talk about my struggle.

It’s beneficial to get professional help if you need to! Talk to someone you trust. Your pastor, elder, Sunday school teacher, or even the person three pews in front of you can help you with the spiritual and emotional care you need.

Yes, I was raped, and I will never forget what happened to me, but I believe that God brought me through such a dark place to help others find the power of His Word just as the 2 Corinthians 1 passage says. I will never stop sharing my story with the hopes that I can help one person find the bright light Jesus has to share in the most troubling, lonely, and depressing times: His great love for us and the forgiveness of sins!

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted or abused there are many resources with information on getting help, learning the law, talking to your friends, and prevention.

• The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network www.rainn.org

• The National Sexual Violence Resource Center www.nsvrc.org

• Free counseling at 1.800.656.HO PE.

• The National Suicide Helpline 1.800.273.TAL K.

Amber Scarbeary is attending Illinois Central College studying Dietetics and transferring to Illinois State University to major in Exercise Science and Nutrition. In her free time she enjoys exercising, especially running, reading, cooking, and watching Netflix. You can reach Amber at amberscarbeary@gmail.com