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Dear Lucky Recipient, There’s no denying that 14,000 Things to Be Happy About has warmed many a heart and sold a gazillion copies, but I’m guessing that it’s probably turned at least as many stomachs with is treacly content. Sometimes you’re just not in a warm, fuzzy, bunny mood. 11,002 Things to Be Miserable About compiles all the things in life, big and small, that can ruin your day. (We could have easily beaten the count of the Happy book, but we didn’t want to be responsible for anyone’s suicide.) Ironically enough, when you put all this stuff under one cover, it’s actually very funny. In fact, they might have to make it one of the 14,000 Things to Be Happy About. Some of the entries are pretty basic, like imitation crabmeat, student loans, and David Hasselhoff, but other entries actually include educational things like: “dust mites, which make up one-third of the weight of a six-yearold pillow.” See, you can laugh and learn.
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It’s the perfect title for ironic youth, as well as for people seeking birthday gifts to remind that lucky guy or gal that life gets less fun as they get older. And I have a feeling that anyone who’s ever been put off by the saccharine sweetness of 14,000 Things to Be Happy About will buy a copy just for spite. Please check out a sample of this decidedly absurd stream of consciousness. Misery has never been this much fun. Sincerely, David Cashion Executive Editor Abrams Image P.S. To create this book, the sister and brother team of Lia and Nick Romeo have woken up every morning for almost a year and each written a list of all manner of bad, sad, and horrible things. Since they have pretty much ruined every day of their life for so long, the least we all can do is make this book successful.
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Death Life Hitler Erectile dysfunction Used-car salesmen Your face Spam (the e-mail) Spam (the processed meat product) Kierkegaard Vomiting Blind dates with ugly people Getting old Dying young Victims of lead-based paint Fake English accents February Global warming Red wine hangovers The passage of time Broken condoms Dead puppies The conditions of migrant laborers Liberal guilt Your boss The existence of other people All the books you will never read before you die
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Brutus Models The hydrogen bomb Monday mornings The orchestra that played “Auld Lang Syne” as the Titanic went down Non-ironic uses of slang Rats Family gatherings Michael Jackson’s sexual proclivities Avian Flu Your inner thighs Mad Cow Disease Nostril hair “High rise cat syndrome” (a surprisingly common disorder in which urban cats, well, jump) The Third World Driver’s license photos Calculus The subprime mortgage crisis Cheap walls that get holes when you punch them Butt acne The Mongol invasion Oprah The IRS
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The influenza epidemic of 1918 Wild dogs Laundry Unrequited love Unreciprocated oral sex Bread lines Vegemite Lawyers The airline industry Gas station bathrooms Trimethylaminuria—a persistent body odor that smells like rotten fish The Thirty Years War The Hundred Years War Male pattern baldness Imitation crabmeat David Hasselhoff The air quality in Beijing Asparagus Obesity The impossibility of ever really knowing another person The Spanish Inquisition The Donner party Sweat Having to hear about other people’s babies
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Bed bugs High heels Alarm clocks Exploding manhole covers Republicans Democrats Memoirs by people who are boring Memoirs by people who are more interesting than you Strychnine Student loans Dog sweaters Untreated sewage The final episode of The Sopranos Carbon monoxide poisoning Your fortieth birthday Grain alcohol The Hilton sisters TV dinners, eaten alone Bifocals Credit card debt The day after Christmas Toxic mold Jock itch Birds that fly into windows and die Identity theft Polyester
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Chlamydia Your childhood Rhinestone sunglasses Double chins Milli Vanilli The need for health inspectors Night blindness Mange Running into your ex on your way to the gym Sex after sixty Cannibalism Prostate enlargement Commercials about prostate enlargement Yeast infections Commercials about yeast infections Existential nausea Actual nausea Nuclear war Drilling in polar bear habitats Oedipus Nasal irrigation Mosquitoes Olestra Computer crashes Bubonic plague
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Static cling Logging Standardized tests Pus Literary criticism Lethal injection Flushing the toilet, which can spray particles of fecal matter up to twenty feet Playboy Bunnies Rabid dogs Salmonella Scoliosis Flossing Alien abduction Dandruff Colonoscopies Wine in a box Unplanned pregnancies Secondhand smoke Dry cleaning The global economy Rodent feces Computer viruses The fall of Rome Yet another dramatic miniseries about the fall of Rome
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Dentures Running into old friends you would have preferred never to see again Asbestos Herpes Pesticides Broccoli NORAD Disco Boils Tapeworms Men with Napoleonic complexes Anorexia Cellulite Pigeons West Nile Virus Lice Dust mites, which make up one-third of the weight of a six-year-old pillow Aerobics Piranhas Guar gum Spontaneous human combustion Shoulder pads Acid rain Tsetse flies Styrofoam
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Bridesmaids’ dresses Electrocution Fake silver rings that turn your fingers green Alphabetical organization Totalitarianism Artificial grape flavoring Roadkill Minivans Smallpox Freud Critics Investment bankers The nonexistence of mermaids The abduction of Helen of Troy High blood pressure Tuna noodle casserole Receiving fund-raising calls during dinner Men in Speedos Spiro Agnew Conjunctivitis The increasing rates of childhood allergies Losing your virginity to the wrong person Benedict Arnold Velociraptors
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The meatpacking industry The meatpacking district Ruddy-cheeked heroines in Victorian novels Getting invited to your ex’s wedding Library fines The weak dollar Shark attacks The weather in Florida, when you’re not there Other people kissing Ashlee Simpson The Godfather, Part III Forgetting to change your underwear Remembering to change your underwear, but then realizing none of your other underwear is clean Hangnails Scrapple Back hair In-laws The extinction of the Dodo bird Crack Vanilla Ice Tropical resorts in desperately poor countries Keeping up with the Joneses
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Shame The smell of subway stations Pet psychics The Great Depression Female bodybuilders Gas prices The assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Checking your work e-mail from home Credit card offers Dentists Hairy toes High school Shakespeare productions Warts Being put on hold Dogs wearing sweaters Sausages in a can The fact that you are no longer seventeen Rabies $800 ergonomic chairs, and your inability to afford one Hope Cryogenics The Crusades Gentrification Thai prisons
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Poodles Emo The Energizer bunny Your best friend losing twenty pounds Belly button lint Flat tires Scorpions The fact that Scandinavia has a higher rate of English literacy than the United States Waiting in line The Middle Ages Necrophilia Being awake at 4 a.m. Appendicitis Litigation Speed bumps People who actually pursue their childhood dreams Getting poked in the eye with somebody else’s umbrella Store clerks that ignore you while they talk on the phone Daylight Saving Time Cold grease People who don’t recycle Arthritis
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The Jonestown Cult suicides Running out of toilet paper School lunch Pets that are accidentally left to die in hot cars Pets that are left to die in hot cars on purpose Insurance companies Dental fluorosis Jingoism Foreigners Syphilis Studies which show that the average father spends less than thirty minutes a week talking to his children People who blog about their personal lives Sixteen-year-olds with expensive cars Children who misbehave in restaurants Finding out that your lover is gay (when you’re not) Finding out that your lover is straight (when you’re not) Radiation The death of Elvis Vending machines that don’t work, but take your money anyway
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Editor: David Cashion Designer: Galen Smith Production Manager: Jacquie Poirier Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data: (if data is not available use this line: Cataloging-inPublication Data has been applied for and may be obtained from the Library of Congress. ISBN 978-0-8109-8363-2 Copyright © 2009 Lia Romeo and Nick Romeo Published in 2009 by Abrams Image, an imprint of Harry N. Abrams, Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. Printed and bound in China 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Abrams Image books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact specialmarkets@hnabooks.com or the address below.
115 West 18th Street New York, NY 10011 www.hnabooks.com
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