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ISSUE 8 • 2020
We’re still serious about change
the art of being
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e are so proud to be celebrating Hoffman UK’s 25th anniversary. Over the past 25 years we have put on Processes in the UK, Ireland, South Africa and the Middle East – and in 2019 we welcomed more participants than ever before. I can’t believe it’s also 25 years since I did the Hoffman Process. A few months later, Bob Hoffman urged us to bring the Process to the UK, and that year Tim Laurence lit the beacon for all the Hoffman Processes to come.
Serena Gordon and Tim Laurence, pictured in 1995
Hoffman International www.hoffman-international.com
This issue salutes all the passionate people who want to make a difference and who are serious about change. The more we share this work with those around us, the more we fulfi l Bob’s vision of ‘spreading peace in the world one person at a time.’ I couldn’t do the job I do without the amazing support of the team behind the scenes and from those who facilitate the courses. This is collaborative work and on behalf of myself and Tim, I thank each and every one of you for choosing to be part of our future. Being at the helm of the good ship Hoffman is an amazing and humbling experience and I look forward to steering us towards new horizons in the coming months.
100,000+ Hoffman graduates in 16 countries worldwide.
In memoriam We will continue to celebrate the life of Polly Higgins who passed away last year. We partnered with Polly’s charity Earth Community Trust in 2018, and through this channel we can receive donations for subsidised Process places each year.
Serena Gordon Hoffman UK Co-founder and Managing Director
NEW FOR 2020 You Can Change Your Life, now available as an audiobook, narrated by Tim
Editor in Chief: Serena Gordon serena@hoffmaninstitute.co.uk
Editorial team: Nikki Wyatt, Lucy Dancer
Production Editor: Debbie Kennedy debbie@hoffmaninstitute.co.uk
Design by Minka Design www.minka.co.uk
Enquires: For all enquiries, please call +44(0)1903 88 99 90 or email: info@hoffmaninstitute.co.uk Hoffman UK: Quay House, River Road, Arundel, West Sussex, BN18 9DF www.hoffmaninstitute.co.uk © Hoffman Institute UK, 2020. All rights reserved.
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CONTENTS Contact us Visit: www.hoffmaninstitute.co.uk Email: info@hoffmaninstitute.co.uk Phone: +44(0)1903 88 99 90
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What is the Hoffman Process? Is the Process for you? Try our handy self-assessment checklist to fi nd out
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Still serious about change On our 25th anniversary, Hoffman UK directors Tim Laurence and Serena Gordon talk Hoffman past, present and future
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Sparking love & light Glass artist Candice Wu writes about how challenging her patterns of perfectionism has impacted her work and relationships
p10 Connecting to the wilderness within Expedition leader and photographer Sam Pelly explores how nature’s wild spaces highlight the connection between our inner and outer worlds
p15 Giving a voice to the voiceless Read how the Process led to a change of career and a whole new perspective on life and death for funeral celebrant Nicola Dela-Croix
p18 Getting over myself Writer and journalist Trish Lesslie tells how Hoffman helped her slay her biggest demons
p20 Doing the Hoff What brings people to Hoffman? Award-winning fi lm maker and music video legend Tim Pope shares a tale of serendipity
p22 An adventure back to self The joy of allowing your spirit to lead your journey, with mindfulness and forest bathing coach Liz Dawes
p24 Each person is a new story p12 It’s never too late Life skills trainer Mary Jo Radcliffe describes coming to Hoffman to challenge the legacy of a complex childhood and life as a nun in the Catholic faith 2 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
Jeddah-based Marriage and Family Therapist Khalid Sendi speaks with Hoffman about the changing face of therapy in Saudi Arabia
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p26 A very Hoffie anniversary! We asked 25 participants (one from each year of the UK Process) to share how Hoffman has changed their lives
p29 Celebrating successful outcomes Businessman Paul Finch shares how the Process led him to change career and launch his own charity after being diagnosed with cancer
p34 Becoming strong in the broken places How’s your work/life balance? Test yourself with an illuminating quiz from our expert therapist Marilyn Carré
p37 Finding my happy Social scientist Esther Winslow had already spent more than a decade on personal development before ‘daring greatly’ and coming to Hoffman
p40 Giving death meaning p30 Courageous conversations ‘
‘ It’s the conversations people don’t have, as opposed to the ones they do have that cause the most damage...’ Top tips on speaking up from The Flourish Initiative’s Karen Downes
We interview psychotherapist and author Malcolm Stern about grief and loss, and his work on raising mental health awareness following the death of his daughter Melissa by suicide
p42 Finding my identity p32 Turning fear into hope Writer, speaker and trainer Hilary Gallo shares advice and and exercise from his book and workshop programme Fear Hack
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‘ My adoptive parents tried their best, but there was always a ‘what if?” Counsellor Marion Booth unpacks the role of the Process in releasing the emotional baggage related to her adoption
p44 Masks and masculinity What happens when the coping mechanisms we’re using as armour are revealed to be the things that are damaging us? Lecturer and researcher Rob Dean finds joy in his relationships when he embraces his authentic self
p46 The roots of addiction Two Hoffman graduates share how the Process complemented their 12-Step recovery journeys
p48 I felt like a fraud Self-doubt while teaching a meditation class led Laura Currie to ‘face herself full on’ and challenge her work-based anxiety
p50 The Hoffman bookshelf A selection of books by Hoffman graduates that have inspired, engaged and entertained the Hoffman team this year
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IS THE PROCESS FOR ME? The list below contains some common reasons why people tell us they’re drawn to doing the Hoffman Process. Do any resonate with you? ❒ I feel at a crossroads with major decisions to make. I don’t know how to move forward or which direction to take. ❒ I ’m struggling to find meaning in my life. Sometimes it feels pointless. I feel numb – on automatic pilot. ❒ I ’ve messed up with my children. I want to be a better parent. ❒ I often feel stressed, angry, resentful, embarrassed, or depressed. I want to change. ❒ I work compulsively, often to avoid other aspects of my life. It impacts my relationships and happiness.
What is the HOFFMAN PROCESS?
T
he Hoffman Process is a seven-day residential personal development course.
Created by Bob Hoffman over fifty years ago, it’s now available in sixteen countries around the world. More than 100,000 people have benefited from the tools and techniques we teach on this experiential programme. The Process is not a quick fix, or a replacement for therapy. What it offers is the opportunity to delve into your past. You will discover why certain patterns of behaviour keep coming up in your life and be offered the opportunity either to stay as you are - in a reactive way of being - or to embrace change and approach your future better-equipped.
At heart, the Process is an individual journey, taken in a safe and loving environment. Each day, our team of experienced facilitators will guide you through a series of different techniques. Sometimes you’ll find yourself sitting in silence, journalling or going out in nature. At other times, you’ll work in a group, doing guided visualisations, bio-energetic work and some Gestalt-based exercises.
❒T here’s a lack of joy in my life. ❒ I have anger, frustration and grief stuck inside me and it’s impacting the way I relate to people. ❒ I bounce between burnout and bursts of overactivity and can’t seem to find a way to break out of the cycle. ❒ I ’ve been unsuccessful in creating meaningful relationships or have had repeated failed, unfulfilling relationships. ❒ I feel like I’m turning into my mother or father, and I don’t want to be like them. ❒M y children have left home and I don’t know who am I am any more. ❒ I ’ve read lots of personal development books, done retreats, courses, tried
People who allow themselves to commit fully to the Process emerge with a deep sense of their own resilience. They gain a greater awareness of life’s possibilities and a commitment to a better way of being.
therapy and anger release work, but I still feel trapped and unhappy. ❒ I ’m a compulsive people-pleaser, organiser or carer and it’s wearing me out. ❒ I have low self-esteem, which manifests as self-sabotage, insecurity or perfectionism.
If you’ve ticked one or more of the boxes on the right, you’re definitely not alone! The first step is recognising that there are areas that could be improved in your life. The Hoffman Process might be able to help. If you’re interested in enrolling, see our website, call the Hoffman office on (+44)1903 889 990 or email info@hoffmaninstitute.co.uk. We’ll discuss whether the timing is right for you and what we can do to help.
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❒ I ’m bored, directionless and fed up with feeling fed up. ❒ I hate my job and want to change direction but feel trapped and resentful. ❒ I ’m approaching retirement and dreading it. ❒ I had a really unhappy childhood and it’s still affecting me as an adult.
Tim Laurence and Serena Gordon, pictured 2008
For quarter of a century, Hoffman UK has been changing lives for the better. As we celebrate our anniversary year, UK directors Tim Laurence and Serena Gordon discuss past, present and future.
We asked Tim…
Y
ou’re regularly overseas as an ambassador for Hoffman and you’ve taught the Process in many countries around the world. What is it about this work that appeals to people from so many different countries and cultures? The Process gives us time to retreat from the world and have a look at what’s diffi cult to see in our day-to-day life. It helps answer the fundamental questions we all face - what is our relationship to love and to compassion? How do we love others, and how do we treat ourselves? We may have many other issues to do with building a career or raising children, but those big questions are always there just underneath. In essence, it’s a classic ‘Hero’s Journey.’ Through thousands of years, this journey has
1967, drawing on the Hoffman Process in Bob Hoffman created s of his own. and adding a few nugget established techniques e now benefi ted hav re than 100,000 people Over 50 years later, mo
been portrayed mythically as going into a dark from Bob’s vision. forest, or to a forbidding castle, where you have to face the terrifying You’re still very much involved in reviewing dragon or the evil knight. and updating the course content worldwide. In psychological terms, it’s the journey Why is that important, and do you think to that inner world where undigested Bob would still recognise the Process? memories and old emotional baggage have been stuffed away. As a Hero’s Journey, the We keep updating the Process simply to use Process is both universal and timeless. what works best. Between all the Hoffman centres worldwide, we’re continually discussing Or, to put it another (more contemporary) and exchanging best practice and ideas. way, the Process does a reboot, a reset of our own brain that has got tired and fed up, Sometimes, advances in scientifi c research and allows us to see with new eyes. We could need to be incorporated into the work. For all do with that at some point in our life. instance, discoveries in neuroscience since the course began have enabled us to better You worked with Bob Hoffman in the US before understand how we form new neural pathways bringing the Process to the UK. w ww.hof fmaninstitute.co.uk | 5
and therefore new behaviour. Research is also constantly emerging about learning techniques; how long people can focus on something, what types of exercises are most effective, or even how music complements a session. We’re a training organisation that enjoys being a learning organisation. Lastly, our clients may have new issues that didn’t exist when the Process began - social media addiction is a current example that springs to mind - and we need to incorporate dealing with those. Bob would certainly recognise the Process. Even though we may conduct it differently, we’re still playing the symphony he composed. Nobody is going to mess with the main sessions; there’s always going to be a lot about how we grew up in our families, and some of the ‘nice surprises’ are sacrosanct. It’s more about tweaking and updating, rather than radically altering.
individual stories always turns up something new and very touching. As for challenges - well, of course - I have patterns, like everyone else, and if I didn’t get challenged, I wouldn’t be alive!
giver of energy. Being in love with it feeds my heart and soul - it makes my spirit sing. And when things get really tough, I just repeat the message: ‘This too shall pass.’
Last year you spent time running introduction events for Hoffman in Amsterdam, Kuwait, Dubai and Saudi Arabia. Where next?
What’s been your personal highlight of the past 25 years?
Warm and sunny places, preferably! Seriously though, I go where there’s already a group of Hoffman graduates who have invited us to come and support them. That could be South Africa or India next. But I also know that to really spread this work, we’ll have to
We often talk about the Process being a lifelong journey. After 25 years, does the work we do still have the ability to surprise and challenge you, and do you still learn from it yourself? What I’m mostly learning these days is that life’s very simple, despite my intellect rather liking complex things. Just to listen to my intuition, my spiritual self, rather than try and fi gure it out, is the way to have a good day. The old adage about teaching what you most need to learn does have a ring of truth. Clearly, I needed to learn about love and compassion, and then needed another 25 years of being reminded about it. In terms of surprises, hearing people’s
Tim with Hoffman graduate Eman Al-Rashied at a visit to The Proteges in Kuwait
train facilitators from the UK as well as from other countries, and then let them take the Process out into the world. That’s where my focus will be in these next few years. 25 years shows tremendous commitment, stamina and passion. With all the highs and lows, what feeds you? What keeps you going on difficult days? For me and for all of us involved, this work is a real passion - a love affair - and so it’s a
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For the UK Process, my highlight came fi ve years after we began, when three things happened one after another: Florence House was bought by Michelle Stevenson and renovated for us to use; we added a Process at the last minute that immediately fi lled up; and some switched-on journalists came to us asking ‘What’s all this we keep hearing about Hoffman?’ That was when I could relax and trust that, yes, there was plenty of help out there for the Process. My personal ‘Me Time’ highlight was sailing across the Atlantic for six weeks and feeling the immensity, the silence, the perfection of nature. Following that, I was totally refreshed and recharged, ready to engage with the full human drama that is the Hoffman Process for many more years.
We asked Serena…
A
ttitudes to personal development were very different in 1995. Was this a challenge when Hoffman UK was set up? And what changes have you noticed? When we fi rst started explaining about the Hoffman Process, there was no website or Facebook, Tim hadn’t written You Can Change Your Life and we had no magazine! Even doing
therapy was considered ‘brave’ and very private. There was some scepticism as to what we were doing and why people would ‘have to’ go away on a retreat for a week. Twenty-fi ve years later, the world is in a different place emotionally. People are more willing to speak about their feelings and past experience, and it’s acceptable to want to do something to improve your life. There’s less stigma around personal growth and therapy; the majority of our clients come to us on the recommendation of a friend or family member. Looking after oneself is seen as an essential part of life’s maintenance and of valuing yourself.
to have. Being on a course with others who have shared the same experience provides a bond and friendships that will last a lifetime. People often like to stay connected afterwards, which is why we offer a variety of other workshops, meet-ups and opportunities. We’ve recently been seeing an increasing number of businesses sending members of their staff to the Process. Why do you think this is? It’s essential that companies look after the health and wellbeing of their employees. We welcome companies offering the Process to their staff as part of their continuing personal
Almost 10,000 people from all walks of life have now done the Hoffman Process in the UK. What do you think attracts such an extraordinary range of age, nationality and background to the course? I love the way we attract such a diverse range of people to our courses. Each person comes for their own reason, but a common theme is the desire to move on from the past and make conscious choices about the future. This is relevant whether people are in their 20s or 80s. Our clients want to learn tools and skills to help them for the rest of their life. I’ve heard many people refer to Hoffman as laying the foundation stones upon which you can build your life.
Serena with friend and Hoffman graduate, actress Jane Horrocks
Hoffman has a flourishing community of Hoffman graduates that you do so much to support. Why do you think this post-Process connection is so important to many people who’ve done the course?
development; we’re accredited as a CPD provider and we’ve heard great feedback from those we’ve worked with. We also offer one-day bespoke courses where we go into companies to teach Hoffman tools for greater awareness, engagement and team alignment. We’ll be doing more of those in 2020.
Let’s face it, people need people to thrive and survive. Living a wholehearted life and one you can look back on with pride is a great vision
In the past few years you have launched a variety of new Hoffman workshops on positive parenting, building relationships,
living with addictions and you’ve added a new Process venue at Broughton Hall in Yorkshire. What’s in store for the next few years? I am still holding the vision of providing Hoffman skills for life - from ‘cradle to grave’, building on what we have been doing, listening to our clients and responding to what society needs from us. We will be increasing the Hoffman team in order to manage our growth and exploring more opportunities in the education and charity sectors. 25 years shows tremendous commitment, stamina and passion. With all the highs and lows, what feeds you? What keeps you going on difficult days? I’m practical and an eternal optimist. I believe in the resilience of the human spirit and I benefi t from a strong connection to nature and the universe. I feed off communication with our clients; being there when they start and fi nish each course and still there years later is important to me. I also regularly use two Hoffman tools: our Quadrinity check in (a short meditation to listen to and align the four aspects of self: the body, emotions, intellect and spirit) and I practice gratitude and appreciation on a daily basis. What’s been your personal highlight of the past 25 years? Tough question with lots to choose from, but I’d have to say the births of my two sons in 1995 and 1997. They were growing up alongside TIm and me as we were growing the Hoffman business. It fi lls me with pride to see all three fl ourishing. They are each unique, but fundamentally they have strength, resilience, humanity and a special sort of sweetness.
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By glass artist Candice Wu
8 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
Photograph: Katie Hinton
SPARKING LOVE & LIGHT
L
ike so many things in life, glassblowing can be unpredictable. There are many variables that can’t be controlled, and due to the nature of the medium, there’s a high rate of things that can go wrong. Despite knowing this logically, I used to be really hard on myself. I’d get so caught up in having to make things ‘perfect’ that I would even start to procrastinate, because I was so afraid of failure. Doing the Process freed up my attitude and helped me challenge my patterns of perfectionism. I now try to approach everything as a learning experience, instead of always trying to get it ‘right’ first time. Slowly, I’m learning to let go and shift perspective, from always seeing failure as a ‘bad’ thing to keeping an open mind.
‘THE MOST VALUABLE INVESTMENT I HAVE EVER MADE IN MYSELF’
My relationships with my colleagues have been more rewarding too, as I can view any challenges as a chance to reflect and investigate what the triggers are that I need to address within myself. I now make an effort to respond appropriately rather than react, which can be difficult in the studio where things happen very quickly, especially when we’re making glass and we have to work very closely as a team. A lot of communication is done through body language or eye contact, and I feel more intuitive and able to pick up nuance. We’re a small team, all from different backgrounds, so situations can easily be misconstrued, but I now keep firmly in mind what I learned on the Process - we each have patterns inherited from our parents and no one is to blame. I try to have compassion and empathy for what each person might be going through. I certainly feel happier and less obsessive at work.
Photograph: Arno
For example, I was making glass birds for a friend’s wedding and from that I got the idea to make table placeholders. After many attempts, I still couldn’t get the result I wanted. Frustrated and disheartened, I dropped the idea and felt I’d wasted my efforts. A few weeks later, I re-looked at the failed birds to see what else I could do with them, and turning one on its side, I realised it could be made into a decorative hook instead. This was very exciting for me, as I’d been looking for small products I could make easily and were more affordable.
If you’re considering doing the Hoffman Process, I’d say DO IT!!! Admittedly, the cost was a concern for me, but mental health and wellbeing is priceless. I see it as the most valuable investment I have ever made in myself and following from that, an investment that also benefits my family, friends and the wider world. Like the safety briefing on the aeroplane, we must put on our own oxygen mask first before helping others. We can’t control situations or change other people - true change comes from within. Through that, we can inspire others from our own actions and personal journeys.
If everyone did Hoffman, I’m sure the world would be a better place, with less crime and war. My next project is a chandelier/light sculpture of the planets in our solar system. Now that my inner flame has been rekindled, I would like to spread the wonderment, magic and mystery of the universe and higher consciousness through my work by bringing light into other people’s lives. You can find out more about Candice’s work on her website: glasscandydesign.com
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Connecting To The
WILDERNESS WITHIN
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By expedition leader & photographer Sam Pelly
I
n 2014, my wife and I took our kids out of school and disappeared into the wilds. This escape was a necessity. We had begun to experience a creeping disconnect from one another, with an increase of wi-fi, screens and fast-paced modern living, in all its plugged-in, dialled-in ways. The space away provided a very cathartic, powerful time, which deepened our individual perspectives and connection to ourselves, to nature and to each other. Off the back of this experience, I created an adventure travel business that’s all about slowing down, connecting to wilderness and gently pushing our boundaries. Over the last few years, I’ve tailored several expeditions through some of the most breathtaking regions of Europe and Africa. We travel by classic Royal Enfield motorcycle, offering a Zen-like viewpoint for our clients. During this time, I’ve become increasingly interested in the correlation between the actual physical journey and the emotional journey. How when we ride into new lands and unfamiliar territories, we also open up the possibility of internal exploration and understanding. Perhaps we are riding through the high Atlas ranges of Morocco and after all the contrast in topography, elevation and feelings, we come together around the campfire at the edge of the Sahara. In the warmth and cradle of the golden dunes, in the glow of the fire, the darkness of night, with stretched smiles and eyes alight, we naturally open up conversation and touching reflection. This moment round the evening’s fire draws on something wonderfully unmet by modern life. It’s a feeling of kinship, of community, a tribal instinct and necessity, the primal sharing of the day’s vicissitudes. We experience the elation of having challenged our limits and perhaps
‘WE GLIMPSE ANOTHER PATH, A RIGHT ROAD, AN OPPORTUNITY TO CHANGE’ rekindled a forgotten spiritual connection to our surroundings and self. I suppose we offer something of the Hero’s Journey. Pushing limits, sometimes close to tears, moving through the vastness of space, how small we can feel by contrast. This can be quite a revelation, especially for those who aren’t typically open to introspection. We have pushed boundaries and discovered untapped strengths. The mask drops and we touch on fresh vulnerabilities. We glimpse another path, a right road, an opportunity to change.
I experienced something very similar when I undertook the Hoffman Process. The Process takes the voyager on a journey, reaching beyond the old ideas and patterns, the routine if you will, that has kept us both safe and sheltered, but also trapped and imprisoned. I believe if we’re brave enough to take this journey, to dive deep in exploration of our wilder places, then our connection to ourselves and to others, will increasingly align, resulting in a more sustainable, peaceful and ultimately loving state. By jumping out of the box and away from the familiar, a new world opens - and it’s one that has the capacity to heal everything. Sam is always looking to open and expand his concept of wilderness connection and is keen to hear from anyone who may be interested in joining the journey. Find out more at www.lma.life
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I
was born into a very traditional Catholic family, my ancestors having died for the faith. I arrived in this world in London in 1939, ten days after war was declared. My very young mother already had my 20-month-old brother to look after. London wasn’t considered safe, so after two months we children were sent, in the care of our very strict nanny, to stay with our grandfather in Yorkshire. The regime was rigid and grandfather was deaf, so he shouted a lot. It all seemed very frightening to a small child. By January 1942 another brother had been born, so we came back to London. We knew about the Germans but they were never talked about. I had nightmares most nights about Germans chasing me to the edge of a cliff. One day I was put in our air raid shelter while they went to get Nanny and my brother. I was terrified they would all be killed and I’d be abandoned. On another occasion, when I was three or four years old, this man in uniform arrived at the front door. I was terrified, as I knew Germans wore uniform - it was my father. I don’t remember him kissing me or picking me up. At ten years old I went to a Catholic boarding school and discovered overwhelming feelings of homesickness. By this time, I’d learnt that life was easier if I conformed to what authority figures told me to do: follow the rules, be kind and helpful to everyone, be selfless and that’s the way to heaven. I was mildly dyslexic so I was considered stupid. When I went to the ‘finishing school’ attached to the convent, I did very well, having helped my mother all my life. From then on I was labelled ‘practical’.
them - not even for five minutes. As novices we went for daily walks and from one route I could see the woods of my home, but not go there - it was absolute torture. The training was pre-Vatican II and very rigid. There was no theology, no discussions, no explanations. My mind died. I was told that the voice of the superior is ‘the voice of God’ and I became God’s best conformist. Before being ‘clothed’ in the habit of the novice, Mistress cut off my hair while saying the Magnificat - my soul was not magnifying the Lord! Then began the strict training regime.
‘I now live more freely and with a greater depth of feeling’ I already had several minor health problems and no medicine helped. They were not understood and continued throughout my religious life. At this time I was given what could be called instruments of torture, a discipline (knotted rope) to whip myself with and a kind of spiky chain mail to hook round my arm. This was meant to bring the body into submission, so as to free the spirit. I did this every Friday for 10 years - it didn’t work, so I presumed I was bad. After twenty-five years of enormous effort and struggle I broke down. One evening just before Christmas I drove a nun to the station, pecked her on the cheek and was making my way back to the car when I saw the moon shining on the
railway line. It seemed such a good idea that, if I was gone, someone else could do my job properly, as I was too exhausted - hardly able to get to the end of each day. However, I drove back, hung the car keys in the cupboard and went into silent supper. I looked round those good nuns’ faces and knew there was no one I could talk to. A week later, after supper, I bumped into a therapist, not knowing either that she was one, nor what a therapist was. I found myself saying: ‘I think I need to talk to you’. I was shocked after all you did not get help from lay people! The following Wednesday morning I met her in the priest’s flat where she stayed overnight to teach the sixth form Sociology. I knew immediately she had what I needed. So began my therapeutic journey. It was a hard road with many rocky paths to traverse, but with her encouragement and support I obtained two years of ‘exclaustration’ to get some education. I went first to Liverpool and then to London, and from London I left the convent. My parents were devastated. I was breaking my vows to God, so whatever I did could not be God’s will. They weren’t able to talk about the pain I caused them and so it continued. The adaptation to ‘ordinary life’ was frightening. I remember standing in Battersea Rise in London thinking ‘who’s going to buy my toothpaste? Mary Jo, no one is going to buy your toothpaste’. Having no qualifications, the only way I could think to earn money was cleaning and ironing, which I did for about five years.
At seventeen, I entered the convent and began my nun’s training. I’d decided I wanted to lead a worthwhile life and in the Catholic tradition that meant giving your life to God. I thought that, by belonging to something bigger than me, I’d be able to make a contribution. I also thought that living in a community of women who had dedicated their lives to God would be fulfilling. I imagined a life of dedication and sharing would be of value. Oh, how wrong I was. My family lived two miles from the convent so, in the holidays, they would come to Benediction. My brothers (I had five by now) would serve at the altar and I could feel my parents behind me but I wasn’t allowed to see
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Mary Jo, pictured right.
IT’S NEVER TOO LATE
By life skills trainer Mary Jo Radcliffe
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I was 43 years old when I left and still not very well. I knew I needed help and received Jungian analysis for ten years. I loved the material and was introduced to another world, but I got stuck. Then I thought my body was the problem, so I did ‘body work’ for ten years. It was interesting and helped me a little but eventually my therapist retired. I knew I hadn’t touched the depth of things. By this time I’d set up my own work, called ‘coping with change’. This evolved out of my being so bad at it when I left the convent that I had to learn about it. Then I wondered if there were others who found it difficult too. I discovered I had a deep love of people and a longing for them to make the best of themselves. I was still aware that I needed help but what kind I knew not, then someone mentioned EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), which I hadn’t heard of before. I went for my assessment, which suggested I had a few difficult issues! EMDR introduced me to the concept of trauma. I’d thought trauma was only for those who had experienced terrible things at war. I slowly began to understand the depth of some of my ‘difficulties’. It was in this context that Hoffman was mentioned. The thought of being able to go deeply into things and find a way forward, dealing with them in a safe environment where I didn’t have to gather myself together at the end of a therapeutic hour, felt so desirable. I’d unexpectedly inherited a small sum of money and decided to invest it in myself. I booked on the Process. But I was 78 years old - was that too late? I did the pre-course work and was both relieved and full of anticipation when I was accepted. I arrived the evening before at this beautiful place and met a man who immediately asked me how old I was. I said 78 and he replied he was relieved not to be the oldest at 65! I’ll never forget walking into that room the first morning and looking round at what seemed to me to be beautiful young people. Had I made a terrible mistake? However, here I was and I was determined to make the best of it and to be engaged in a very well-structured process in an extremely safe space. Tutors kept a vigilant eye on us. We were invited to take part in very practical and insightful exercises to help us get in touch
with deeply ingrained patterns, both inherited and acquired. We were encouraged to confront the negative effect these had had on our quality of life. We were directed and supported in writing responses to key questions. There were also powerful rituals to enable us to lay some ghosts to rest. Staying with our ‘stuff’, often in silence, was an important part of the process. At times we all fell apart and felt equally young and vulnerable. Celebrations were part of it too, so the child within us had a chance to play. I sometimes found fully expressing emotions challenging, as it was so contrary to my upbringing and convent training, but these brief moments of freedom gave me a taste of something beautiful. Being surrounded by others, all engaged in their own difficult struggle, was both helpful and supportive.
‘But I was 78 years old - was that too late?’ So, how has Hoffman changed me? I now live with much deeper awareness and insight as to my patterns, both positive and negative. I’m more able to stop myself falling back into destructive ways of being, though I still need to catch myself. I now live more freely and with a greater depth of feeling. At this stage of my life, though I can look at younger people and envy the years they have ahead, I’m sure it’s never too late to live with greater insight. I still check my course notes, especially if I meet a block. There are very good follow-up opportunities to dip in and out of, to refresh oneself. To meet fellow travellers was such a precious, supportive and encouraging experience. I remain profoundly grateful to my group who accepted me, regardless of age. I believe going with an open mind, heart and soul ready to give oneself fully to the Process can be life-changing and is ageless. Maybe we come across Hoffman when we’re ready to benefit most deeply from it. Surely even a week living as a more fully aware human being is worthwhile, regardless of how many years one might have left. So, I conclude that 78 was the right age for me and perhaps when you come across Hoffman, it will be the right age for you too. For more about May Jo’s Coping with Change process, email: maryjoradcliffe@icloud.com
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SURROGATES UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT When we do the Hoffman Process, we examine our automatic behaviour patterns, the negative thoughts and feelings we get stuck in time and again. These have their roots in our childhood. From the pre-course work onward, we look back to our formative years, when we unconsciously imitated, adapted to, or rebelled against the negative patterns that we encountered in those responsible for taking care of us. We’re invited to consider the long-term effect of anyone or anything else that played a significant role too. In our Process work, we call these ‘surrogates’ Someone who played a parental role as we were growing up can be important: maybe an older sibling, a grandparent, a nanny or childminder. If we went to boarding school, spent time in a care home, religious or military community, or even in a culture affected by war, we’ll look at how these may have shaped us. There’s also the space to look at the effect of parents being absent for whatever reason, be that death, illness, working remotely, adoption, addiction or neglect. We thank Mary Jo for so openly sharing her story of a complex childhood shaped by surrogates - and for sharing the important message that it’s never too late to change.
Photography: Ped Baker
by funeral celebrant Nicola Dela-Croix
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M
y Hoffman journey almost didn’t begin at all.
Like many people (I suspect), I wasn’t sure if my reasons for signing up for the course were ‘serious’ enough. What if a family break-up at the age of four and the subsequent stifl ing of emotions demanded of me might not qualify as dramatic enough for such an intense course? I had a good life, a loving partner, a nice home and a successful career as a magazine editor – what was the fuss about? Perhaps I should just stick to what I’d always done – having a good cry every now and again, accepting the blue days, and throwing in a one-hour counselling session when it all got a bit much. The trouble was I’d reached a point where what I’d always done was becoming exhausting and frustrating. I felt like a spectator in the life I wanted to live and of the person I knew I could be. I wanted to make signifi cant career changes and life choices but wasn’t prepared to commit to any new paths or directions until I’d ‘fi xed’ those parts of me that were still breaking down, dropping off and grinding to a halt.
devastated about what happened to four-yearold me. It gave me the longed-for opportunity to reach out to that child and give her what she so badly needed. It also fi lled me with the most overwhelming compassion for my parents whose own unresolved issues had left them struggling to do the best they could. But as well as giving me a deeper understanding of family dynamics, intergenerational pain, and the consequences of unresolved loss, what the Process did above all was put me at the heart of everything. I mattered – deeply. So did my feelings, which I didn’t have to suppress anymore. I had a newfound voice. Now what was I to do with it? After fi fteen years as a magazine journalist and editor I was ready for a new career direction. I wanted to try something new – something that made a difference on a more meaningful level. My search for a new career was fuelled by my interest in human lives and people’s stories as well as my reaffi rmed belief that we’re all individually valuable.
‘I left the Process with a deeper understanding of who I was and the events that had shaped me.’
So when I saw the words ‘When you’re serious about change…’ in a magazine article relating to the Hoffman Process, the resounding ‘YES!’ bursting out of me was proof enough that my suppressed feelings were worthy of attention – and I could not have been more serious about resolving them. Making the commitment to sign up for the course felt like a feat in itself. As did arriving that fi rst day at Florence House on the Sussex coast, nervously wondering what had I let myself in for. Should I really be here? Why is everyone else here? Will it make a difference? In the days that followed, those questions would be answered gradually, gently, sometimes painfully or joyfully, occasionally even dramatically. We examined and reevaluated our lives, our relationships, our attitudes and behaviours, our fears and our hopes in a variety of ways – some surprising, some shocking, some soul-stirringly beautiful. There were moments of self refl ection as well as group work, times of solitude and togetherness, periods of deafening noise and quiet contemplation. And all the while a lovely, ever-increasing compassion and camaraderie blossomed between us, as our individual stories and struggles unfolded. And the result of all that? Well, for me, the Process provided the validation I needed. I realised that I had every right to feel
With this overwhelming sense that every life matters, I felt very strongly that every death – and how we mark it – matters too. More specifi cally, I felt that a ‘one-size-fi ts-all’ approach to funerals really wasn’t good enough. I started researching the funeral profession and discovered there was such a thing as a funeral celebrant – someone who creates and leads personalised funeral ceremonies that celebrate individual lives. I re-trained and studied. Now eleven years and over 1,200 funeral ceremonies later - I’m doing the job I feel I was born for. This is a work role that feels completely authentic and makes a real difference to people. I’ve also extended my focus to helping people recognise their unique value while they’re still here. My book Celebrate Your Life explains how to create your own farewell, just how you want it, while my Manifesto for Life encourages people to embrace their mortality and shows how that acceptance leads to a happier, more contented life.
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Because it’s an everyday part of my working life, I appreciate the benefi ts of being aware of our mortality more than most. Rather than being morbid or depressing, which many people assume my job can be, it’s the most uplifting, life-affi rming work I’ve done. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been precisely because I accept my time is limited. It’s not that ‘life’s too short’; it’s that life’s unpredictable. Not knowing when the end will come is what really gives life meaning. When I need to re-focus, that’s all the incentive I need. Families I work with tell me I have a rare gift. And while I do believe I have the skills and empathy required to do my job well, I think the ‘gift’ is in that authenticity I feel, because I’ve found my purpose and I believe in what I do. The Hoffman Process played a signifi cant part in that. I left the Process with a deeper understanding of who I was and the events that had shaped me. And now I can appreciate how those past events have actually helped me to be more understanding, more compassionate and to be able to tune into what people need when they’re at their most vulnerable. Something incredibly positive has come from painful childhood experience. The Process helped me achieve that clarity and gave me the confi dence to pursue the changes I wanted in life with a renewed sense of purpose and self-belief. Now, having once been silenced myself, I am able to give a voice to the voiceless – to celebrate the life of someone no longer here in person and help their loved-ones express what is just too painful to put into words. In this way, my experience of the Process continues to gently reveal itself, the ripples grow wider and resonate beyond my own needs into the lives of others, when they need it most. That’s a beautiful thing. You can read Nicola’s Manifesto in full and learn more about her work at nicoladelacroix.com.
GUIDELINES, MOTIVATIONS, GOOD INTENTIONS Ten tips from Nicola’s Manifesto for Life Appreciate it’s a miracle we’re here
Be in tune with the needs of others
The chances of each of us being born at all is one in fourteen trillion, so our very existence is a miracle worthy of appreciation.
Knowing we’re all marked with an invisible sell-by date, wouldn’t it be lovely if we showed each other kindness and compassion?
Accept that we don’t all grow old
‘Present’ ourselves
There is no guarantee we’ll grow old and there is no such thing as dying ‘before our time’ – there is only ‘our time’. If we can accept that, we’ll stop wondering ‘why?’ if that time is shorter than we hoped for.
It’s not easy living in the ‘now,’ but moments of ‘being present’ provide contentment in life as we seize and squeeze every minute for all it’s worth.
Take a nature lesson Nature holds the biggest, most beautiful clues to understanding the cycle of life and death. If we immerse ourselves in its wonders daily, it will repay us with a happy heart and contented spirit. Treasure our loved ones It’s important to cherish each moment with our family and friends. If, alongside the love and laughter, we lock horns, try to make peace. It’s not so easy to put things right once they’ve gone. Talk about death and bereavement Every single one of us will experience loss. If we don’t talk openly and honestly about how we’re feeling or our wishes at the end of life, all we’re doing is denying ourselves comfort and support.
See the potential in grief Grief takes us to places inside ourselves we never knew existed, and provides the opportunity to expand our outlook, our values in life and make whatever time we have left more meaningful and fulfilling. Know that our lives matter We’re all gloriously unique. That makes it hard for others to say goodbye to us when our time comes, but it also makes us oh-so-easy to remember. We each matter in our own lovely, quirky, special way. And we need never doubt it. Embrace the fact that mortality gives life meaning Let’s not wait for things to get critical before appreciating the fact that we could be experiencing our last day on this planet. Death is always a whisper away. It’s inevitable. So let’s cherish life… always. w ww.hof fmaninstitute.co.uk | 17
A
s much as I enjoy being around people, I also crave time on my own. Striking the right balance between companionship and isolation every day feels essential to my equilibrium. So, given my need for solitude, opting to hole myself up with 23 strangers for a week on the Hoffman Process wasn’t a decision I took lightly. I also recoil from the spotlight. At school, just the thought of being asked a question in class had me praying the ground would swallow me up. Later, as a student journalist, I’d be frozen with fear during writing exercises. Knowing we’d have to read out our work to each other left me unable to commit a single word to paper. My tutor told me to get over myself or get off the course. Her ultimatum served me well. I may be self-conscious, but I can also be single-minded. I was determined to be a journalist. I got over myself. Of course, I’ve had to overcome my inhibitions on countless occasions since, but embarking on the Hoffman Process took things to new levels. I’d taken part in enough ‘self-improvement’ workshops to know that personal development in a group setting is never a spectator sport. For starters, there’s the introvert’s nightmare of taking centre stage while introducing yourself to the other participants. Then there’s the trust-building exercises, often involving lots of eye contact – awkward for just about everyone, but excruciating for seriously self-conscious types. I couldn’t be sure just what I was letting myself in for – many details are kept under wraps so as to be intentionally surprising – but I’d assumed Hoffman would be a whole week of this stuff with bells on. To top it all, I’d be sharing a room with a stranger. There seemed little chance of enjoying the precious, restorative solitude I crave.
Then something curious happened. As we began, one by one, to go around the room introducing ourselves, I started to relax. I wasn’t looking forward to the focus being on me, but hearing others speak with such sincerity made me want to reciprocate. We’d been asked to keep things brief, which helped, but knowing I wasn’t alone in my state of apprehension fortified me.
The Process is gruelling and at times painful. But it’s joyous, too. I laughed and cried with those 23 people as a unique bond formed between us. Nearly three years after we headed off in different directions after ‘graduation’, I’m still in touch with some of my Hoffies. There’s no pressure to keep in touch – some of us just do. When we get together, there’s a unique connection, understanding and trust between us. Laughter is always guaranteed, too, no matter what we’re each experiencing in our lives.
The Process seemed to work like magic to encourage trust, openness and honesty. On the face of it, my fellow Hoffies (as I affectionately call my Process peers), were all very different.
With the benefit of hindsight, I can say that Hoffman helped me to slay my biggest demons. I feel happier and calmer than I can ever remember being. I’m more
Stepping into the unknown is always scary and this was new territory for all of us.
Getting Over
MYSELF
by journalist and writer Trish Lesslie
From a range of ages, backgrounds and nations, on the surface we were a diverse bunch. But what we all had in common was a desire to make things better for ourselves and our loved ones, to put our demons to rest and clear the way for happier, more fulfilled lives.
‘I WANTED SERIOUS CHANGE – AND FAST’
So why sign up? Basically, I wanted serious change – and fast. Years of sporadic counselling had helped me keep the depression I’m prone to at bay but there were issues stemming from my childhood that still hung over me like a cloud. They had darkened my life for too long and I was determined to escape their shadow once and for all. I hoped the Process would do the trick, as challenging as I knew it would be.
There were times on the Process when I wanted to run for the hills, but to quit would have felt like a betrayal of the group’s camaraderie. I’d feared being with so many strangers, but in the event they were a huge part of what kept me going through that week. A kind smile gave me strength when I was struggling. A giggle in the coffee break lightened the mood when things felt too heavy. My roomie turned out to be an absolute delight and there were even opportunities for solitude.
Watching 23 other nervous people enter a bright, sunny room on our first morning at Florence House in Sussex, I got over myself very quickly. Introvert or extrovert, it was pretty obvious each and every one of us walked into that space with a sense of trepidation.
Voicing my sadness, anger, fears, resentments and pain was an incredible release after so many years of bottling things up. Listening to others was equally powerful. Over the week, I grew more conscious and less selfconscious as we all shared our truths.
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accepting and less fearful. So what if I say something stupid or look the fool? The sky won’t fall in. It really is no big deal. I’m no longer immobilised by inhibition. I can be the first on the dance floor stone cold sober, for example, and I often am. In fact, despite having spent my adult life relying on Dutch courage, I’ve barely touched alcohol in three years. As recommended, I laid off the hooch for two weeks before starting the Process, then for a month afterwards. Since then, I’ve rarely felt the desire to imbibe and feel much better, physically and emotionally, for my abstinence. I still get irritated, but less often. Instead of holding in my emotions, I feel better equipped to say the things I need to say when I need to say them and – and I’m more likely to be calm and measured when I do. I still have resentments, but they’re less intense. My relationships have improved and my life feels better in every way. I also have some wonderful people in my life that I would never otherwise have met. Was it worth the discomfort? You bet! Trish Lesslie is a freelance journalist and copywriter. Find out more at trish-lesslie.com.
M y H o ffm a n P ro ce s s
TR I SH L E SS L I E Hoffman helped me to slay my biggest demons. I feel happier and calmer than I can ever remember being.
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Photography: Andy Vella
DOING THE HOFF By film maker Tim Pope
20 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
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he Hoffman Process speaks to you at a time when you need it, or when you are ready to listen. I know that, because that’s what happened to me.
participate. Meanwhile, our friend was circling the table capturing the event for posterity with her camera. It was her picture of me that truly shocked me later.
Here’s the story. My family and I were staying with a pal at her villa in beautiful Umbria, in northern Italy. I had never been to this part of the world before. The house was situated down a dirt track, and from every side the windows let out to glorious views of rolling, vineyardcovered hills.
A few days or so after this, we were back home in Brighton, where we lived at that time. Despite the wonderful holiday, I found myself back in the pit of despondency where I seemed to reside most of the time. Nothing I could specifically put my finger on here - just a general, constant ‘malaise of unhappiness’ that gnawed inwardly at my soul, unseen by the world. The awful thing was that I had pretty much become accustomed to feeling like this. It had become the ‘norm’, and so it didn’t feel like anything particularly strange or unusual. It didn’t even feel like anything I should - or could - do anything about. In a way, I honestly think I had become comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable in my life.
Daily life in the house, I soon discovered, was pretty communal, with everybody mucking in to cook and to clean up afterwards. In the five days we sere staying there, things just fell naturally into place, without anything necessarily being said or needing to be said. Occasional lazy forays were organised to go into the nearby town, Città di Castello, which - as the name might suggest - has a castle and has a classic wall about it. Large lunches would be arranged, where members of our hostess’s seemingly endless circle of friends who happened to be in the area would join us before they continued on their journeys. The specific time I am talking about was such an event and, accordingly, a long table near to the bustling market had been sorted for people to congregate. I sat myself at one end, as was my way. This felt like the most comfortable place to be and probably meant I would only be forced to interact with people in a controlled way that I’d find easier. I wouldn’t describe myself as unfriendly or antisocial - I (outwardly) appear confident and can be garrulous in the right company - but there has always been a distinct aspect to my character that finds large groups of people uncomfortable. My partner was sitting beside me and our two kids were at the far end of the table; ‘the children’s end.’ As people arrived to join us a red-haired woman from the UK called Serena sat down next to us. Before long, my other half and her worked out that they had attended the same college, and soon they were exchanging the names of mutual friends and nostalgically swapping tales. In my usual manner - at which I had become pretty adept - I listened to the hum of the chatter around me from beneath my hat and behind my sunglasses, doing my best not to
‘WITHOUT REALISING IT, I HAD TURNED MYSELF INTO A SORT OF LIVING CORPSE’ I had written to our friend to thank her for our time away and a couple of days later she pinged me an email by return that contained several photographs of our trip, including one of me at that table. Did a picture ever say a thousand words? It showed a sad-looking, pissed off creature, whom I hardly recognised as myself. He sat with his hat pulled down to his forehead and with dark glasses hiding his eyes. There was no joy at all to this alien character - even the way the shot had been framed seemed to convey isolation. By coincidence, a sign was over his head, reading ‘TIM’, which is apparently an Italian telecommunications company, but also my name. The really shocking thing about the image was that it reminded me of the one dead body I had seen - my father’s. My father died unexpectedly, on vacation in Jamaica. Arranging to have his body shipped back was difficult and complicated, but finally I went to see his remains in a darkened mortuary in north London. What I saw then had really stuck with me. My Dad would have sat up, was
always ready to crack a joke; this lifeless, cold thing just wasn’t him at all. In our friend’s photograph, I instantly saw massive parallels between myself and my Dad in that mortuary. Without realising it, I had turned myself into a sort of living corpse. For some reason, at the moment I was studying the photo, I recalled the halfheard conversation my partner had been having with Serena at the table. At the time I’d been paying little attention, but now remembered it involved something called the Hoffman Process. In my cut-off state I’d caught the odd word perhaps, but nothing specific. I’d vaguely gathered that it involved some sort of deep, immersive experience to help with the malaise people sometimes felt in their lives. ‘What was that thing you were talking about to that woman in Italy?’ I asked my partner. Immediately, I looked the Hoffman Process up online. Within the space of two hours, I had grabbed a place on a course in a fortnight’s time at Florence House in Seaford. I surprised even myself in how quickly I made this choice. I still think that had this message come to me at a different time, a more cynical moment, I may well have ignored my instinct. Many people will tell you what a profound experience ‘doing the Hoff’ is in their lives and how those few days they gave have changed their lives forever. It definitely ‘reaches the parts other things do not go to’, to paraphrase the old beer advert. For me, I can tell you it not only did it change things profoundly – a sort of reboot at a DNA level – but it gave me plenty of ‘tools’ which I still use to this day, over ten tears after. Not for one second would I urge you to do the Process. However, if it seems - perhaps from something you read or hear - to be the right thing for you, I would urge you to listen to yourself. You will know when the time is right.
You can find out more about Tim and his work on his website: timpope.tv or on twitter @timpopedirector. w ww.hof fmaninstitute.co.uk | 21
Liz Dawes photos © 5 Little Boys Photography’
with forest bathing guide & mindfulness coach, Liz Dawes
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hen I did the Process in 2012, I was a commercial real estate lawyer living in London. Realising that I didn’t have to be a workaholic, wear the mask of a people pleaser or be stuck in a career that wasn’t for me were all huge revelations. The highlight of the week was meeting my essence - my spirit - and experiencing for the first time a wonderful sense of wholeness. I wanted this feeling to become a part of my daily life so I set off on a quest to make this possible. As the Hoffman strapline says, I was serious about change! Initially, the search took me to Brighton and a seafront apartment that I had seen in my Process vision. Soon afterwards, I discovered mindfulness and realised (from my own past experience) how it could be used to relieve workplace stress. I retrained as a mindfulness coach, and set about delivering courses to individuals and workplace groups as a stress reduction tool. I felt so grateful for this new life in Brighton, yet found that the adventure was only just beginning. After a month-long silent retreat in Somerset in 2014, I went to Nepal and subsequently to India, continuing to use the tools I had learnt on the Process. My arrival point in India was Varanasi and on the first morning, I strolled down to the misty, mystical banks of the Ganges and fell in love. My spirit was alive with curiosity, awe and excitement, feelings that stayed with me over the course
of the following four years as I continued my adventure back to self. A two-month stay in a Brazilian ashram was thrown into the mix for good measure too. But it was at a chance meeting in California in 2018 that I first heard the term ‘forest bathing.’ I was introduced to film director Sylvie Rokab, who was working on a film called Love Thy Nature, narrated by Liam Neeson. I mentioned to Sylvie that I taught mindfulness and also had a passion for walking in nature, and she suggested that I check out the Association of Nature and Forest Therapy (ANFT). As I was filling out the ANFT application form, my spirit was fizzing and I just knew that this was the job for me! After months of intensive training, I became an ANFT certified guide and truly believe I have found my purpose. Leaving a career in law was a huge leap of faith but once I allowed my spirit to lead the way, opportunities and experiences that I never imagined opened up. Guiding a forest bathing walk for a TV personality on the Broughton Hall Estate in Yorkshire is just one example that has come my way. The past few years since the Process have been hugely transformational for me. Living a mindful life in nature, my spirit is content. Working in partnership with the forest and other natural settings, I find that I am supporting not only my own sense of wellbeing but that of many others too.
Studies into the health benefits of forest bathing are fascinating. One study has found that when we inhale phytoncides, (essential oils emitted by trees as a natural protector from insects, bacteria, etc.), there is an increase in our body’s NK (Natural Killer) cells - the cells that fight off cancer and other diseases. Many other studies have found that time in spent in nature also has positive effects on our attention, cognitive performance, emotions mood and behaviour. On a forest bathing walk, I help people to slow down in nature. I offer a series of invitations that are designed to support sensory connection with the natural environment and participants have the opportunity to allow their bodies to lead them. In this state of embodiment, self-judgment, critical analysis and the roles we play fall away; we take off the masks and let the wind touch our faces. We become connected to place, and entirely in the moment.
Liz offers forest bathing walks for individuals, public and corporate groups in Lancashire and Yorkshire and as part of bespoke day retreat packages at Avalon Wellbeing Centre on the Broughton Hall Estate. For more details, visit mindyou.co.uk
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Each Person Is
A NEW STORY
Interview with Marriage & Family Therapist Khalid Sendi 24 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
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hat inspired you to decide to train as a Marriage & Family Therapist?
I come from a broken and dysfunctional family. As a kid, I always felt that I was different. I have half-brothers and sisters from both of my parents, so family dynamics have always been an area of interest for me. I wanted to understand more about this, to explore and understand what ‘family’ means. Have you noticed a shift in the number of people in the Middle East who are attracted to personal development or therapeutic work? If so, why? In running my practice in Saudi over the past seven years, the number of people seeking professional therapy has doubled yearly. I think there are three major reasons for this. Firstly, Saudi Arabia is changing. 75% of the Saudi population is under 30 years old. This younger generation has different thinking and different needs. Secondly, a large number of young people are educated abroad. They’ve been exposed to more professional techniques of problem solving, and can’t just accept older methods. Thirdly, therapy is quite new to Saudi. When I went back in 2013, ACT - the therapy centre where I work - was the only private centre in a city of 5 million people. Today, Jeddah has more than 200 different centres like ACT. What are the main reasons that someone would come to you for therapy? As a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), I see people who have issues and problems in their close relationships. These close relationships can include relationships with parents, with siblings, with their main partner or with friends. Any relationship that is based on emotional needs is my area of expertise. Do you notice a change in the age and number of men and women who are interested in their own personal growth? Traditionally, women seeking therapy have always outnumbered men, but gradually we’re seeing more and more men accepting therapy too. This started with the younger generation; now more and more of the older generation are beginning to come round. When did you do the Hoffman Process and what motivated you to do it?
I did the Process in March 2016. Part of studying psychology is your own therapy as a human being, and as a therapist, my supervisor helps me to develop a lot in my personal life. So before I could work with other people, I had to have therapy sessions with my supervisor. My supervisor was the one who introduced Hoffman to me and advised me to go, and it was one of the best therapeutic experiences I’ve had.
‘Traditionally, women seeking therapy have always outnumbered men, but gradually we’re seeing more and more men accepting therapy too.’
me. Seeing their development and progress is the most rewarding feeling one can have. Any advice you’d give to people from the Middle East who are thinking of doing the Process? Two pieces of advice. Firstly, try and understand what you really need from the Process before you attend, and share that with your Hoffman facilitator in your pre-course work. Secondly, don’t stop working on yourself after Hoffman! The Process is a bag of tools; if you don’t use them, little will change in your life. What do you do to resource and look after yourself? Like we do on the Process, I meditate, I work with my patterns and I regulate my emotions. I know I have a dark side that I need to remain aware of and that I have a choice to work towards my vision or against it. Do you have a personal vision for the world?
In what way has doing the Process helped in your personal and professional life? The Process can really help in different areas and it is completely personal. What affects one participant may or may not affect another. The part of the Process that helped me the most was seeing my parents as kids. The ability to see people not as the complicated adults they are, but as emotionally struggling kids was a life-changing gift for me. What do you enjoy most about your work and working with people before and after they have done the Process? I enjoy knowing people’s life stories. Each couple and each person is a new story for
I have a personal vision for me in which I help everyone in this world. I try to live ’peace within, peace in between and peace among’, as Virginia Satir, the MFT guru advises. Is there anything else you’d like to share with us? I would like to tell people that Hoffman is a community. Don’t lose touch with your community once your Process is over - stay connected.
You can find out more about Khalid and his work on Instagram: @khalidfosendi
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As part of our 25 year celebrations, we asked 25 Hoffman graduates (one from each year) to share what the Process had brought to their lives. Here’s what they said.
1995 GINA LAZENBY FENG SHUI EXPERT, AUTHOR & SOCIAL ENTREPRENEUR
I love the Process because it’s such a great ‘clutterbluster’. The Process acts as a psychological spring clean to create a healthier personal environment.
1996 MICHELLE STEVENSON
1997 SUE BRAYNE
1998 BETTY HUGHES
BUSINESS CONSULTANT
AUTHOR & FACILITATOR
AUTHOR
The Hoffman Process was the catalyst to connecting to a level of inner joy that I had not previously realised existed.
I can’t believe I’ve been carrying around the Hoffman teachings for 23 years! I’m still so grateful for that precious week, and how it continues to inspire my work around living consciously for a better world.
The Process was an adventure. There was a surprise around every corner; you didn’t know what the next development would be. This gave a spicy sense of excitement to every day.
1999 BEN SHUCKBURGH
2000 JOHN CAMPBELL
2001 CAMERON ROSS
COMPANY DIRECTOR & CLASSIC CAR ENTHUSIAST
MIND & INTIMACY COACH
ARCHAEOLOGIST & FARMER
The Process gave me the courage to take control of my life and live it the way that I wanted. It’s about not being afraid to be bold.
Hoffman began my lifelong experience of the practice of forgiveness in every circumstance as the means for maintaining inner peace and unremitting love.
The Process opened me out in a way I’d never seen myself before. By the end of the course I was elated and empowered with this new understanding of myself.
26 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
2002 AIDAN CAMPBELL
2003 ELEANOR MORAN
2004 ROB MCDOWELL
LOCAL HISTORIAN & AUTHOR
WRITER & TV PRODUCER
FAMILY MAN & KEEN SAILOR
Hoffman should be on the school curriculum - as essential to living a good life as English or Maths.
It was such a relief to know I wasn’t the only one feeling like I lived a double life.
The Process was a stepping stone to gaining the courage to question things, live more passionately, ‘step up’ to my responsibility and settle down in essence, to truly live as a grown-up.
2005 GOLDIE
2006 OLIVER JAMES
2007 ROY SUNLEY
MUSICIAN & ACTOR
PSYCHOTHERAPIST & CHARTERED PSYCHOLOGIST
GROUP CEO & SHAMANIC PRACTICITIONER
As a kid, you get dealt this hand of cards that doesn’t belong to you. They keep stacking up and eventually they’ll collapse. Dealing with them face up is what Hoffman’s all about for me. What we do today creates tomorrow.
Hoffman is a remarkable shortcut to understanding what went wrong in your childhood as well as a highly imaginative way of cheering you up.
I’m closer to my kids and family than I ever dreamed of and it’s the Process that gave me the strength to find out who I really am. I like me now!
2008 CHANTAL FABRICE
2009 RACHEL KELLY
2010 LOUISE WANNIER
TRANSPERSONAL INTEGRATIVE PSYCHOTHERAPIST
WRITER & MENTAL HEALTH CAMPAIGNER
CREATIVE ENTREPRENEUR & ARTIST
The whole Process for me was very inspiring but also very tough. This led me in time to change career and become a psychotherapist. To this day I keep memories of very strong moments shared with my group.
The week I spent doing the Process provided me with tools I use daily to stay calm and well after having suffered two serious depressive episodes. I remain grateful.
I realised that although I understood business, I didn’t know who I was and that it was time to find out. On the Process I found both my spirit and my inner voice. This impacted my work life enormously... I’ve finally allowed myself to express my own creativity. w ww.hof fmaninstitute.co.uk | 27
2011 DENISE QUINLAN
2012 SAM OBERNIK
2013 ALLIE NOUR
COMMERCIAL PHOTOGRAPHER
SONGWRITER & CONFLICT COACH
WEBSITE CONSULTANT
One of the biggest insights I got from the Process was a new perspective on my relationship with my parents.
The greatest gift of the Process has been a new level of awareness. It’s a tool I can’t switch off.
Learning to deal with the patterns I’d developed over the past 40 years was a revelation. I finally realised exactly how much damage I’d been doing to myself without even knowing it, and I learnt the tools to reverse that damage.
2014 HARRIET WARNER
2015 JANE HORROCKS
2016 EMILY DEAN
WRITER, TV & FILM
ACTRESS
My Process saved me. It came at a time when I questioned my very existence. Through the love I found for myself and the healing of old traumas I transformed my life. That week in 2014 changed my life. Thank you Hoffman.
The Process really helped me become aware of the things I needed to work on. It enabled me to open up my life, take risks and feel joy again. Well worth the journey.
On the Process, you’ll cry, you’ll shout, you’ll feel overwhelmed - but once it’s done you will be able to smile and find joy in the little things in a way you never imagined.
2017 DYLAN JONES
2018 REBECCA STARLING
2019 TESSA MACE
JOURNALIST & EDITOR GQ
HORTICULTURIST & FLORIST
STRATEGY CONSULTANT
The Process was one of the most exhilarating - and demanding - weeks of my life, and I shall never forget it. I sincerely hope it works for you if you decide to do it.
It was the most incredible turbo charge to becoming happy again. Talk about becoming efficient in life - within a matter of weeks, my fog of indecision and confusion had cleared and it was absolutely clear what I would do next.
The Process increased my compassion, both for myself and for others, immeasurably. It has improved the relationships with everyone around me - my children, my parents, my husband, my friends and my colleagues.
28 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
BROADCASTER & JOURNALIST
CELEBRATING
Successful Outcomes
by Paul Finch, Technology CEO and Charity Founder
I
did the Process in January 2011, following a major life crisis that included separating from my wife. The course transformed my world, and, among other things, resulted in a new job. After doing Hoffman, I took on the role of CEO at a failing technology business, which I successfully turned around and sold in 2016. I used many of the Hoffman tools to help understand my team and change the working culture of the business. Now I spend more time looking at people’s points of view through their lens, not mine. Having worked on my emotional intelligence, I was also far more able to manage tough negotiations, with much less confl ict. This in turn delivered successful outcomes, securing a return for all investors. In 2014, while immersed in my role as CEO, I was diagnosed with stage four bowel cancer and given a 10% chance of living for another fi ve years. I put the cancer diagnosis down to the tremendous stress of my marriage collapse and the trauma that came with it.
London - as well as providing support for patients’ mental wellbeing during treatment. My partner Julia has now been on the Process too, which allows us to communicate at a much higher level. More recently one of my sons has also done the course. This has improved our relationship no end and I’ve seen a transformation in him as he’s developed his job into a highly successful career. You can find out more about Paul’s charity Red Trouser Day at: redtrouserday.com
I’m very pleased to say that I’ve just received my fi ve year all-clear and I always say that it was the Hoffman Process that gave me the tools and strength to take on such a diffi cult personal health condition and come out the other side. My give-back is the creation of a charity called Red Trouser Day, which has raised over £120k in three years. It’s supporting research for earlier diagnosis at the Royal Marsden – a specialist cancer hospital in
M y H o ffm a n P ro ce s s
PAU L F I NC H ‘I thank Hoffman for saving my life emotionally, physically and spiritually.’ w ww.hof fmaninstitute.co.uk | 29
Courageous
CONVERSATIONS
with Karen Downes, business consultant and resilience coach.
M y H offm an Process
K A R E N DO W NE S ‘Through the Process I came to understand the patterns of my childhood programming that still unconsciously played out.’
30 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
I
n her twenties, Karen Downes built a home business in Australia into a multi-million dollar enterprise with her sister, Judith. Unfortunately in 1999 the business came to a difficult end, tearing their families apart and leaving the sisters emotionally bruised.
meant Karen became even more passionate about the positive effects of the ‘courageous conversations’ that she’d always advocated.
‘It’s the conversations people don’t have, as opposed to the ones they do have, that can cause the most damage.’
Karen continued with her passion to transform herself and support others. She moved to the UK and led personal development programmes for thousands of people around the world, from corporate leaders to women in the villages of India and Bangladesh. Then in 2018, Judith tragically died and Karen found that emotional scars from betrayals and childhood trauma could no longer be suppressed. She decided do the Hoffman Process. After completing the course she found the courage to fly back to Australia to have muchneeded, open-hearted conversations with her family. The resulting release of long-held shame and the restoration of loving connections
Karen says, ‘Having a courageous conversation takes willingness and a commitment to creating a more compassionate and truthful world. These are times when we speak from the heart about the things we’re afraid to talk about. When we reveal to another person what lies deep within our heart, healing takes place and authenticity is
restored. I find, if I look, that there is always a courageous conversation waiting to be had. In the corporations where I consult, I observe the damage that’s done when people are afraid to speak out for fear of repercussions and it can be a contributing factor to mental health issues in the workplace. I believe it’s the conversations people don’t have, as opposed to the ones they do have, that can cause the most damage. We may be afraid of speaking out, unsure of how to deal with a difficult relationship or we may feel bullied or pressured by someone at work. If we don’t say anything, the damage to our self-worth and sense of personal dignity can be unbearable and in turn, harmful to our personal relationships.’
Karen Downes is the CEO of The Flourish Initiative ‘transcending business as usual’. You can find out more at: theflourishinitiative.com
SIX STEPS TO A COURAGEOUS CONVERSATION These are the six steps I train people in during our workshops, for having a courageous conversation, be it with a boss, a spouse, a sibling or a friend.
1
My own answer to this question is: I’m committed to walking the ‘right’
Ask yourself: why is this important?
version of myself than the day before.
2
Be clear about your intention
3
Dignify yourself before speaking
4
path and going that little bit further each and every day to be a better
For example: to heal, to forgive, to take responsibility, to complete something unresolved, to restore harmony in the relationship, to enrol someone in something you want to make happen, to make a request.
Use your breath and visualisation to centre yourself. Acknowledge any fear or anxiety the conversation might produce and focus on your breathing to calm your nervous system.
Find this for yourself first then the other. We can’t forgive others if
Compassion and forgiveness
we can’t forgive ourselves. Judgement creates separation – emotional understanding creates connection. You have no idea what’s going on inside the other person or maybe even why they do what they do.
5
Dignify the other person in your speaking
6
Engaged listening
Speak in the first person - ‘I’ - taking responsibility for the path you walk and decisions you have taken or are taking. Be careful not to blame the other or justify your behaviour. Notice if you have any preconceived judgements or opinions about this person and ask yourself: is it actually true? It might feel real, but often it’s our own judgement.
Listen to the response without attempting to defend yourself and notice if you disassociate from your feelings. See if you take what the other person says without having it land as something personal.
w ww.hof fmaninstitute.co.uk | 31
Turning
FEAR
M y H offm an Process
H ILA RY G A LLO ‘When I got home after the Hoffman Process, the first thing I did was to go upstairs and put on the wedding ring that I’d had for over ten years but hadn’t worn. When I saw my wife, I broke down, as the emotions I felt were far stronger than any words. This honesty continued in my wider relationships as I opened up to how I truly felt. As my relationships started to transform, so did my life.’
32 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
Into
HOPE with writer & speaker Hilary Gallo
T
hree years after I did the Hoffman Process, I
and it’s also when they start understanding what
left my last corporate job. Three years after
fear is. The point of the wall is not so much that
that, I published my fi rst book, The Power of Soft,
they see their own fear, but rather that they see
which was about kinder ways to negotiate in
what fear is doing to everyone in the room.
business and in life. Each group is slightly different, but some themes But as time went by, I realised that something
tend to come through every time. In looking at
deeper sat beneath the problems I saw in
the fears on the wall, people realise they aren’t
negotiation. I noticed that people adopted
alone – others have similar fears. Although a
positions and became ‘locked’ into what they
common fi rst reaction when looking at the wall
believed was true. When they wanted a certain
is a degree of challenge and even sadness, this
outcome, what kept them stuck wasn’t the lack
soon gives way to a very different reality.
of will to do it, but the fact that they simply didn’t act. It wasn’t long before I saw this pattern in
The wall creates an access point to begin to
myself too.
discuss our anxieties and as they do this, the group slowly comes to the realisation that their
The issue wasn’t so much about what I needed
fears are illusory – the product of unhelpful
to do; it was more about what stopped me from
thought patterns and conditioned responses.
doing it. Eventually a consistent theme emerged
Slowly, people start to question the evidence
– fear. By this I mean fear in the widest possible sense – not just fear of what might go wrong, but fear of loss, abandonment or uncertainty masked as fear. What I noticed was that fear is the substrata to
‘WHERE THERE IS A PROBLEM, THERE IS GENERALLY FEAR SITTING AT ITS HEART’
they have for their fear. One by one it dawns on them that, like the imagined intruder downstairs at night, their fear is a creation of their fertile imagination. When we get to this point we realise that we, not
most of life’s sticky issues. Where there is a
our fears, have the power. Once we connect to
problem, there is generally fear sitting at its
our personal power we’re able to see the world
heart.
outside through a different lens and understand how we can change. Suddenly we’re in control of
One of the things I’d learnt as a negotiator
Take an honest look at a situation in your life where you feel unfulfi lled, held back, stuck or frustrated. Now see if you can name the fear that lurks behind those feelings. Perhaps it’s a fear of being exposed? Disliked? Abandoned? Unworthy? Once you’ve named your fear, try asking it the following fi ve questions, and see whether this helps to reframe the situation for you.
the narrative. We’re back in the driving seat.
1) What evidence do I have for this fear?
was that I needed to understand my opposite number, even if they came across as a villain or
Once people have named and started to
a bully. I used this approach as a guide in dealing
understand their fears, their overriding feeling
with fear. Instead of treating fear as a monster
is a sense of hope. Just as I experienced on
that pinned me down, I approached it as a friend.
the Hoffman Process, what we see is that
This has now become the theme for both a
the problems we thought were external have
workshop and a book: Fear Hack. This strategic
solutions within us.
reframing of fear is the core of the ‘hack’. Once we fundamentally shift our relationship Over the three years I’ve run the workshop, it
TRY A FEAR HACK EXERCISE FOR YOURSELF
2) Where does this fear exist in time – is it happening now? 3) If this fear was my friend, what might it be telling me? 4) How long have I had this fear? If a long time, where might it come from?
with fear, hope can step in.
5) Might the feeling I have be excitement or anticipation rather than fear?
has changed and developed. I’ve now realised that one exercise we do early on is often the most revealing. This is the Fear Wall. I ask
To find out more about Fear Hack events, visit:
people to write one of their fears on a sticky note and put it up on a wall. This is the point when
To read more about Hilary’s work as a writer,
people decide to invest something of themselves,
speaker and enabler visit: hilarygallo.com
hilarygallo.com/fearhack
w ww.hof fmaninstitute.co.uk | 33
Photography: Daisy Barnard
by psychotherapist Marilyn CarrĂŠ
34 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
A
s a psychotherapist, I help people transition from vulnerability or uncertainty to a more self-nurturing and meaningful place. I refer to this transition as ‘becoming strong in the broken places’, an idea that seems to give clients courage to invest in their emotional wellbeing in a way they may never have done before. Having strength as their goal gives people permission to value themselves and engage in self-encouragement rather than in self-criticism or feelings of not being good enough, and to begin healing from whatever life has thrown at them. When I feel clients are ready to explore their stories in a safe, professional, yet loving group environment, I consider introducing what I call ‘The Hoffman Sandwich’ - the bread being psychotherapy either side of the Process filling. Over the years I’ve found that far from detracting from my therapeutic work, Hoffman techniques enhance it greatly. When a Hoffman attendee returns to me, it’s so fulfilling to see how far they’ve come and how much they’ve grown. The Process isn’t psychotherapeutic per se, it’s more a unique means of enhancing emotional literacy. People emerge from Hoffman much more self-aware, with a far greater emotional range as well as with effective techniques they can use. They return with a vocabulary and a way of speaking about their issues that we both understand, in the same way that two people who have watched the same film at different times may do. Having experienced the Process first hand, I recommend it to fellow therapists - as well as to clients - from a deep understanding of what it can achieve. My years of psychotherapy training required me to be in regular therapy myself, so when
I contemplated the Process, I felt I was ‘therapied out’. A little voice inside my head whispered, ‘I don’t need Hoffman; I’ve done enough processing of my emotions.’ Wrong! By the end of my first day on the Process I realised there were areas where I’d barely scratched the surface.
‘The Process is a unique means of enhancing emotional literacy.’ Hoffman was unique in the way it held me. I knew that anything I brought was welcomed and I could search deep into the core of my being without fear of judgement or abandonment. Before I went to the Process, my relationship with my long-term partner, Alastair, had hit a rocky patch. Much as we loved each other, our work/life balance had become
unhealthily demanding. Even though I was a psychotherapist, I was part of the problem in this scenario, so I couldn’t be an objective part of the solution. Alastair and I participated in the Hoffman Process separately within months of each other (you can’t attend as a couple) and afterwards we noticed our relationship became more harmonious. For my part, since doing Hoffman, I’ve stopped apologising for everything and (although it’s a work in progress) I’m learning to say ‘no’. We have a much calmer atmosphere in a home where we have more space and time for each other. Our work/life balance has certainly improved. The Process has helped us to become more authentic and honest, which in turn has brought us closer. Alastair and I have been able to support each other’s Process learning by encouraging each other’s continued emotional growth and development. For example, I find permitting myself to play and relax very difficult because, when I was growing up, my parents measured my worth by my work ethic and academic success. Play of any description was frowned upon. Now Alastair encourages me to put down my work and have fun. Yes, FUN! He’ll gently persuade me to head for the beach. We’ll make sandcastles or splash about in the water, giggling like children. I never imagined THAT would become part of our work/life balance!
To read more about Marilyn’s work as a psychotherapist, visit her website: oakpracticetherapy.co.uk w ww.hof fmaninstitute.co.uk | 35
Photograph: Daisy Barnard Photography
Are you giving your personal life the same consideration as your working one? Some elements of our lives do dictate deadlines to meet and tasks to complete. However, if these demands increase and we don’t find the voice to say,’I can’t take on anything else right now’, we can become swamped with responsibility at the expense of our wellbeing.
Work-related projects often spill over into my private time My family and friends no longer invite me out, as they know I’m always too busy
Are you keeping that balance in check? See how you score on the questions below.
❒ Never
I find myself in crisis mode
❒ Occasionally
❒ Frequently
❒ Frequently
❒ Never ❒ Occasionally
My days off are simply to recover, with little time for fun or exercise
❒ Frequently
I have to abandon my days off in lieu as I don’t even have time for annual leave
❒ Never ❒ Occasionally ❒ Never ❒ Occasionally
My ambition to gain promotion at work overshadows everything else
❒ Never ❒ Occasionally
I have thought about creative interests I would enjoy, but I’m too busy
I read work-related materials in my spare time
❒ Never
I struggle to get time off work when I need to
❒ Occasionally ❒ Never ❒ Occasionally ❒ Never ❒ Occasionally ❒ Frequently
I’m bad-tempered and unapproachable
❒ Never
❒ Occasionally
❒ Occasionally
❒ Frequently
❒ Frequently
❒ Never ❒ Occasionally
I drink more caffeine and alcohol than I’m comfortable with
❒ Frequently
I’m too tired to cook a meal when I get home from work so I rely on fast foods
❒ Never
❒ Frequently
❒ Frequently
I’ve lost sight of the real me
❒ Occasionally
❒ Frequently
❒ Frequently
If I go to a social gathering, my mind is on what I left undone when I left work
❒ Never ❒ Frequently
❒ Frequently
I feel exhausted before the working day even begins
❒ Never
❒ Occasionally
❒ Never ❒ Occasionally ❒ Frequently
❒ Never ❒ Occasionally ❒ Frequently
I suffer from stress-related symptoms such as headaches, backache or indigestion
❒ Never ❒ Occasionally ❒ Frequently
Now count up which type of box you have ticked the most times: Mainly Never You have a healthy work-life balance. If you can maintain this, you will remain positive and productive while still finding time for fun, fitness and general wellbeing. Mainly Occasionally This is looking a bit shaky. Make changes before you become totally engulfed by the pressures surrounding you.
Mainly Frequently Your work/life balance is in need of attention. Here are some tips: •T ake a look at your time management. •M ake sure you get enough quality sleep, find time to exercise and check that your body gets the right amount of nutrients. • I f you’re stressed or agitated, try meditation, mindfulness or breathing exercises.
36 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
•E ach day, write down how you are feeling physically, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. It will help you to keep a check on which elements of your life are in balance and which require a bit of fine-tuning. It may also be worth considering professional support such as psychotherapy or personal development courses to help you explore your options to regain a healthier, happier lifestyle.
FINDING MY HAPPY
By social scientist Esther Winslow
w ww.hof fmaninstitute.co.uk | 37
B
y the time I did the Hoffman Process, I’d been in therapy on and off for almost 10 years. Although therapy had helped in many ways, it felt like I’d analysed the life out of my past and my family situation and I wanted something new. I didn’t want to rely on it as a coping mechanism for the rest of my life. I’ve suffered from depression ever since I can remember, and I was looking for something that would give me the tools to actually DO something about it, not just to talk about it. Through my various encounters with therapists, I’d heard the word ‘boundaries’ thrown around a million times, but I didn’t really know what they looked like or how to achieve them. That was true for so many sayings I’d heard such as ‘learn to let go’ or ‘you need to love yourself first’. I understood them
on an intellectual level, but they just left me with a frustrated feeling of; ‘Yes, but how?!’ Hoffman gave me a glimpse of what it feels like to actually embody some of those sayings. Since doing the Process, feeling 100% authentically happy has felt achievable. There’s something about being able to picture and remember what that felt like during the Process which has enabled me to know instinctively ‘how’. That’s not to say I don’t still mess up, feel the pain and get lost sometimes, but at least I know it’s possible to get there because I’ve felt it. I know what happy looks like now. Sometimes it’s been hard putting new boundaries in place within existing relationships. Change can be hard for everyone involved. However, I think it means that my
38 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
relationships are now based on a healthier dynamic. Frankly, I’m still figuring a lot of it out and I’m far from immune to unhealthy relationships, but I now have the tools to notice and do something about it when I feel like things are going pear-shaped. Boundaries have also meant I can be more present with those I love. Now I can be there for them without sacrificing myself in the process. As they say, ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup.’ Hoffman has taught me how to recognise when my cup is empty, as well as how to fill it. My happiness doesn’t depend on other people or external circumstances as much anymore, so the burden’s been taken off those around me. More often than not, I now feel joy where
I used to feel jealousy. I now feel empowered where I used to feel helpless. Instead of being scared of anger, I can now ‘roll with it’ and accept it for what it is. And most importantly, I have the courage to say ‘no’ when I need to. Up until now, suppressed anger has shaped my personality and everything I’ve done. Post Process, it feels like a weight has been lifted and I have spent the last two years rediscovering who I actually am and who I’m capable of being. I would hate to have wasted any more time carrying that weight around with me. I could have walked around for the rest of my life letting anger towards my childhood define me, continuing the frustration and helplessness I felt in most situations, and ending up in repeatedly unhealthy relationships, unable to form real connections. In my early adult life, I kept busy doing lots of things – many of which I’m proud of – but I did them all because I was running away from myself. As one of the Process facilitators pointed out, I was trying to live a thousand lives in one, rather than really living the one I have. Staying still would have meant feeling all those uncomfortable feelings I wanted to avoid. Now I’m more able to lean into those, giving me the chance to form real connections. I had no idea that by avoiding difficult feelings I was cutting myself off from good feelings too, and I now have a lifetime ahead of me to make the most of them. I feel I’ve saved myself from a few failed marriages, ruined careers and potentially
estranged children. Those things could still happen of course, but at least I’ll experience them knowing I did my very best to be honest with myself and those around me. I may even be able to find a little more peace and acceptance in such circumstances than I otherwise would have done. I was one of the youngest in my Hoffman group, and I feel quite lucky to have been able to do the Process in my twenties. It meant I had the luxury of returning to an empty flat with no responsibilities and no children to worry about, which allowed me to take as much time as I needed to practice the Process tools and focus on self-care. It has also meant that my parents are still alive to appreciate any amends I may now want to make.
‘Although I’m still a work in progress, I feel it’s NOW that I’ve genuinely started living.’ Prior to the Process, I was a pro at disconnecting from my authentic self. I’d been a social chameleon, constantly changing and doing my best to blend in, avoid conflict – basically doing anything to ensure I was accepted. Now, whenever I feel uncomfortable feelings creeping back in, I’m reminded that it
doesn’t really matter what I say or do, as long as it really is me talking and not my fear. There are still days when I’m unsure if I’m really making better choices, but the great thing about the Process is it helped me trust that whatever effort I’m making is enough – and if I’d like to do more, it’s never too late. The Process may not have made any obvious changes on the outside of me, but on the inside it has made a huge difference. The way I think has completely changed. I am better able to recognise the things that I can or cannot change and have a little more courage to change the things I can. I’m more able to let go of things and live the life I want than I ever thought possible. Since completing the course I’ve had more confidence and freedom to be myself. Although I’m still a work in progress, I feel it’s NOW that I’ve genuinely started living. As though to test this new-found confidence, I’ve since managed to get the job I’d been working towards for the last five years. I’m working as an evaluation officer at Conciliation Resources, an international organisation that works with people impacted by war to stop violent conflict and create more peaceful societies. It has been a scary but timely reminder to reach for things I never believed were within my grasp. Whereas before I’d have shrunk back, the Process has opened me to the possibility of ‘daring greatly’, to quote the inspirational author and speaker Brené Brown.
ESTHER’S PROCESS TOP TIPS Make sure you’re ready The one thing I’d say to people interested in doing the Process is: make sure you’re ready. To get the most from the Process, you really need to want to do it. I certainly had my sceptical moments and there are still things that sound like gobbledygook to me, but I wanted to give it my all and I feel that‘s paid off.
Choose your moment I came across the Hoffman magazine when I was 20 and wanted to do it immediately, already sick of living in perpetual depression. They say that the younger you are, the easier it is to change, due to brain plasticity and all that. However, I think I got more out of it by doing it slightly later, once I’d been working and living by myself for a couple of years. By that point, my negative behaviour patterns had had more of a chance to surface. It made it easier to identify what was impacting my
life so negatively. By waiting until I had had a taste of independence, I feel I got the best of both worlds, because I knew myself just about well enough and had plenty of time and freedom for post-Process practice, but also an entire lifetime ahead of me to live my best life.
It will fast-track you, whether you’ve done therapy or not I still refer to my life before and after the Process. In that weeklong course I learnt more about myself than I’d done in ten years of therapy, and that’s something no one, not even myself in my darkest hour, can take away. Not that you need to have done therapy before doing Hoffman! Plenty of my fellow Hoffman buddies had never done any personal development work before coming. Of course, I will always be a work in progress and I’m sure plenty of challenges await me. The difference now is that I feel I have the tools and resources I need to do this thing called life.
w ww.hof fmaninstitute.co.uk | 39
Giving Death
MEANING
interview with psychotherapist and author Malcolm Stern
M
alcolm Stern is a psychotherapist and author.
and suffering in a society that admires self-
when it comes to considering our relationships
He’s also co-director and co-founder of
suffi ciency and the ‘stiff upper lip’. Sometimes we
with parents, especially if they have passed on.
Alternatives at St James’ Church in London, which
can be more afraid of feeling exposed, needy and
has served as a platform for global spiritual speakers
becoming a burden than of actually dying.
did the Process in 2003. Malcolm, you’ve spoken at many events on the
There’s often a phase of grief when we glorify the person and see them through rose-tinted
and alternative thinking for over 30 years. Malcolm While grieving is never easy, why do some
glasses, but we also have to be prepared to
people find it easier to journey through grief
look at the reality of a relationship to be able
than others?
to understand and heal it. We can’t do that if they’re on a pedestal. The Process is very skilled
subject of bereavement and mental health since your daughter Melissa took her own life aged
I think it depends how in touch you are with your
33. Why is that?
feelings and how genuine you’re already able to
at helping people with that reframing.
be in your relationships. For some people, it’s the
Do we have unrealistic expectations around
Finding platforms where I can speak about
fi rst time that they’ve been that raw, and many
grief?
what happened helps me, and is part of giving
people don’t know how to handle that, either in
Melissa’s death meaning. Sometimes when I
themselves or in those they love.
In her seminal book On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross said it takes about two
speak about it I can be quite matter-of-fact, and at other times the emotions can hit me. Either
Your elderly father died in 2011 and Melissa
years to come to terms with a loss. The fi rst 6
way, it gives permission to those in the room
in 2014. Did you find that people treated you
months are spent actively mourning, and for the
to talk more freely and deeply about their own
differently in such contrasting circumstances?
next 18 months we’re in recovery. Although each death is unique and doesn’t follow a timetable,
experiences. Yes, the difference is subtle but nonetheless
that does at least give people permission to take
there. It changes who you can be around. My
time for an emotional process in a culture which
father’s death was expected and he’d had a
often expects us to rush through or ignore our
I know that since Melissa’s death, I’ve been able
long life. Melissa’s death took me into such raw
feelings.
to go to deeper places as a therapist. By fully
feelings that not everyone could be with me in
embracing my grief, I fi nd I experience all feelings
that space.
How does the Hoffman Process fit into this?
I worked in hospices in the 80s and I noticed that
I think people are drawn to the Process when
same thing happens when people are dying; they
they’re ready to go to deeper places emotionally.
As a society, we can find it difficult to discuss
intuitively know who they can be around. Not
Often they fi nd places where they haven’t fully
death – why do you think that is?
everyone can be in that space of vulnerability.
grieved or even grieved at all. The Process
It doesn’t mean that you have to express it or
normalises intense emotions, and the seven-day
I think there are two reasons. Firstly, we’re
discuss it – just being there without requiring
residential nature of it allows you explore them
scared of facing our own mortality. In ancient
that the person puts up a front to protect you
very deeply in a safe space.
cultures, we saw death as a natural part of the
from their experience is a real gift.
How has losing Melissa changed you?
more profoundly. I’m defi nitely less philosophical and more real.
Once you do the Process, you become more self-
life cycle. We revered our elders as people who had been through loss and who had the wisdom
Do you feel that you ever finish grieving?
aware and more emotionally resourced. That means you go back into your life a more useful
to help us understand such rites of passage. These days, we live in a largely de-natured
Yes and no. To an extent, I wouldn’t want it to
member of society. We need more people with
society that worships youth and beauty. The
come to an end. I welcome the ebb and fl ow of
the kind of emotional resilience that you gain on
more we lose touch with nature’s natural
strong feelings; it’s part of feeling alive. I’d say
the Process.
rhythms, the more we tend to disengage from
that the grief transmutes and expresses itself
the reality of death.
in different ways over time. Certainly there are
For more about Malcolm’s events, courses,
shifts that happen in your relationship with the
counselling and coaching services please visit:
person who has passed.
malcolmstern.com
terms with your own vulnerability. It can open
We find that there can be a challenge around
For more about speakers, workshops and events at
you up and ask you to admit to your own needs
grief for people coming on the Hoffman Process
Alternatives, visit: alternatives.org.uk
The second reason is that, depending on how life ends, the fi nal phase often means coming to
40 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
M y H offm an Process
MA LC O LM STE R N “More than a decade after doing Hoffman, I still consider it one of the most transformational journeys I have undertaken. It has integrity, wisdom and community at its heart. “
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Finding My
IDENTITY
by counsellor Marion Booth
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kept by my birth mother? Would I be different? I’d always been told she was a young unmarried mother in the 1960s when there was no benefit system to provide a safety net, and that she had no choice. But, whatever the circumstances, there was always a sense of rejection.
I
n the summer of 2018, I was recovering from breast cancer. I felt battered and bruised, both physically and emotionally, but so very glad to be alive and recovering. The cancer had left me desperate to get on with my life and live it to the full; the ever-present fear of it returning propelled me to try to experience as much as possible. Eight months off work during my treatment had, in between the horrible effects of chemo, enabled me to step out of my life. I reconnected with loved ones, reunited with old friends and gained new ones, as well as losing a few on the way, and overall I felt a lot calmer than I think I ever had. However, no sooner had I got back to work and regained some semblance of a normal life, than self-doubt set in. My son had gone to university the week I started my treatment and I was living on my own; the world should have been my oyster - but it wasn’t. I began to notice outbursts of anger that I’d been prone to in the past were making their way back into my life, posttreatment. I knew this change in my emotional landscape was important. I first had therapy in my twenties when I was struggling with anxiety and huge self-doubt, and then later throughout my counselling training. Thanks to that, I understood that my main issues revolved around being adopted at only four weeks old. Such a situation often involves attachment issues, as well as the inevitable identity issue – ‘Who am I?’ I was given one name on my birth certificate, which was changed completely by my adoptive parents. I remember when I was 11 years old I was freaked out when I found my original birth certificate and saw my ‘real name’. I’d always known I was adopted, but it was so bizarre to see I was originally called something else. My adoptive parents did their best, but I knew there was always a ‘what if’. What if I’d been
I felt I’d made peace with it. I also felt I’d made peace with the difficult relationship I’d had with my adoptive mother. I wasn’t the daughter she wanted, and she wasn’t the mother I wanted. I never felt I was good enough for her and clearly not for my birth mother either - or she would’ve kept me, wouldn’t she? The reality was that I never really felt ‘good enough’ at all. I felt second best, unworthy, and that I didn’t really fit in anywhere. The fear of being given away again meant that I was desperate to fit in, so I learned behaviours that would gain approval. What got lost was the real, authentic me – and that’s where Hoffman came in.
‘My adoptive parents did their best, but I knew there was always a ‘what if.’’
four of my parents and start to understand they all did their best with what they had. I also tapped into some amazing spiritual feelings, which I’d always pooh-poohed. I came away with a tremendous confidence in myself that I’d never felt before, a belief in myself and my intuition. Other positives I’ve taken away from Hoffman are that I am ‘good enough’ - not second best and I can be part of a group and be accepted for who I am. I also realised that most people on my Process had similar beliefs and feelings, despite not being adopted. We were all once vulnerable children who adopted patterns to survive. I’m no different to anyone else. I gained some amazing friends from my time at Florence House, where I did the Process. I went on a trip to India with two of them and I’m in regular contact with many more in our WhatsApp group. I still put into practice the tools I learnt at Hoffman on a daily basis and one of the major things I learnt on the course was gratitude. I started searching for my birth mother in my early twenties and finally found her in my early thirties, albeit too late. She had died of cancer of the cervix, aged just 49. I never met her, and so wish I had. On the upside, I have met her two sons (my younger half-brothers), and we’re very close. Meeting them felt like the missing piece of the jigsaw in my life at the time.
I’d seen the Hoffman magazine lying around when I visited my oldest and dearest friend, Jenny, who had just done the Process. I read it, thinking I’d love to go one day, but money was an issue. Then, during that summer of recovery, with impeccable timing, I received a copy of the latest Hoffman magazine and a card from Jenny gifting me the Process. Here was my chance. The course was a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I took the advice of my Hoffman facilitator, and made sure this was my Process, totally focused on me. The most surprising outcome was how I was able to release a deluge of emotion surrounding the pain of being given up as a tiny baby - the tragedy of it. I’d always intellectualised it, and I’d held so much pent-up anger at the injustice of it all, but I’d never been able to really feel the raw emotional rage and huge sadness of it until the Process. Hoffman enabled me to express the trapped emotions I was holding. I was able to understand my inner emotional child and began to give her what she needs. I could honour all
The fact my mother was Irish, as is my birth father, who I met a few years ago, has made a hugely positive impact upon me and provided me with a wonderful sense of identity which both myself and my son continue to celebrate. We’ve been on several road trips to Ireland together in recent years to soak up the Celtic heritage that we are both so proud of being part of. My birth mother had little choice but to give me up for adoption, my adoptive parents couldn’t have children, and desperately wanted them. I wouldn’t be who and where I am today without them all - for that I am grateful. I’m also eternally grateful to Jenny for her amazing, life-changing present of the Hoffman Process – inside the wrapping, I found the authentic me.
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I
t was a rather elegant mistake that brought me to Hoffman. Seven years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who had completed the Process. After we’d been together a few months she told me a bit about it, how it had helped her, and suggested that it could help me to understand and address my issues. I remember feeling quite affronted. ‘MY issues indeed! I’m totally aware of what my issues are and quite capable of handling them myself, thank you very much!’ Then over the next twelve months I proceeded to systematically destroy our relationship – like I had every relationship before – through detachment, infi delity and truculent criticism.
stimulate socialising, anaesthetise pain, counter depression, or alleviate boredom, the approach was the same. I got wasted – on drink and/or drugs – and hoped that when I came round my problems would have been erased. As if just fi nding the Hoffman homepage was enough of a step in the right direction to get things back on track.
And so it went, and so it had always been with me since my early teens. Sometimes it hurt, and sometimes I didn’t feel a thing. Any heartbreak caused (or endured) was justifi ed in the name of self-protection. However last year, following the demolition of another relationship, I began emotionally unravelling. I remembered the course my ex recommended, but couldn’t remember the name, or any Google-able search terms to track it down. The bridges to my ex had been so thoroughly burnt that all attempts at contact received no response. I was stuck. Then the elegant mistake was revealed.
But this was how I handled ‘my issues’. Not only were these methods tried and tested, they were culturally condoned. I certainly wasn’t alone in dealing with my problems this way. In the social circles I moved in, this behaviour wasn’t just acceptable, it was expected. It was all tied up with how I wanted to be perceived; a ‘largerthan-life’ character, with a devil-may-care attitude, wicked sense of humour and roguish demeanour. That was the ‘mask of masculinity’ that I’d been trying to wear convincingly since my teenage years, which by now had extended to a full suit of body armour. But under the bravado lay an ocean of anxiety, where fear of rejection, abandonment, and humiliation fl itted just beneath the surface, while jealousy and spite trawled the depths.
I’d recently submitted a chapter for a book about Gothic drama to a publisher. The chapter referred to a sociologist called Erving Goffman who had written about the ways in which people perform versions of themselves in everyday life. The publisher contacted me with a list of mistakes they had spotted, and their e-mail read as follows; ‘At the beginning of the chapter you refer to Goffman, but from page three onwards the spelling changes to Hoffman, which one is correct?’ The word leapt off the screen. I opened a new browser, tapped in h-o-f-f-m-a-n, hit search, and there it was, the Hoffman Institute homepage. I would like to say that I took this fortuitous coincidence to be divine intervention and acted upon it instantly. But I didn’t. I celebrated in the same way I commiserated. Whether it was to mark a happy occasion, relieve stress,
‘UNDER THE BRAVADO LAY AN OCEAN OF ANXIETY’
Not only did drinking and drug-taking temporarily dampen these anxieties, they also made the disguise more convincing, as they were the trappings of that chosen persona. I was convinced that if I just played the role long enough then I would become it. Neurotic Dr. Frankenstein could stay holed up safely in his castle, while his monster, impervious, ran amok. I would fi nally be invulnerable, and surely that was the ultimate goal of ‘project masculinity’? It was certainly the manifestation I pursued. On the outside I’d appear strong, successful and popular, while on the inside I could remain anxious, uncertain and isolated. I even learned to project a kind of fake sensitivity and emulate emotion without having to deal with the troublesome unpredictability of actual feelings. There was a secret smugness too; I’d fi gured out this whole ‘life game’ while everyone else was on a hiding to nothing. I continued to believe this, despite the fact that everything I experienced actually pointed to the contrary. In order to alleviate vulnerability and shield my hidden weak points, I minimised contact with anyone that might emotionally trigger me, particularly my family. During my twenties and
44 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
thirties I spoke to my Mum less and less. By my forties we only interacted three or four times a year, and my Dad, sisters, nieces and nephews didn’t fare much better. I was regularly absent from family gatherings, and would always try and spend Christmas with a partner’s family rather than my own. Partners were also kept at a distance emotionally. I became adept at being in a relationship without ever really revealing my true feelings or self. The story was the same for the friends I had and the social circles I moved in. Somehow I remained entirely invested in this approach, despite becoming increasingly erratic, unstable, and anxious. When things got too much for me and I unravelled, I never questioned whether there was a fl aw in how I was conducting and constructing my life. In fact, I only resolved to do Hoffman because I was struggling to regroup myself and carry on as before after the most recent unravelling. At that point I hadn’t even got as far as recognising that there was a connection between the armour I hid behind and the pain I was in. In my mind the armour was there to protect me, it couldn’t be thing that was actually hurting me. Hoffman changed all that. It was clear from the outset that my armour had no purpose or function in this new environment, and before the fi rst day was over, much of it had dropped off. But I didn’t feel vulnerable or ashamed. Instead, I felt a sense of complete acceptance from the other participants and the facilitators. I wasn’t being exposed, I was being liberated. The most succinct way I can explain it is that I realised a life without vulnerability is a life without intimacy. One cannot be achieved without the other. By the end of the Process, the whole suit of armour had been shed, smashed and cast into the fi re. I would not be wearing it again. After Hoffman, going back to my life felt like a daunting prospect. While I may have shed my suit of toxic armour, how would I fare in an arena peopled by other would-be iron men and women grinding their axes? However, I soon learnt another important lesson. Wearing a mask drastically narrows your fi eld of vision. Now I’d taken it off I could see clearly and saw that there were many people in my life who were compassionate, open, accepting and receptive. In the months that followed Hoffman I re-established many of those friendships, as well as my relationship with my family. This has led to joyous moments, deep connections, uncontrollable laughter and many marvellous adventures, which I now allow myself to experience fully.
by lecturer and researcher Rob Dean
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D
o you find that you are drawn to drama, conflict, isolation or miserable thoughts to avoid the pain of feeling your feelings? Do you use different ways to self-soothe or distract yourself from the pain? Unhealthy relationships with alcohol, sex, romance, love, food, drugs or shopping are all ways we self-medicate core pain. Many people remain functional while abusing substances, behaviours or activities, but over time things can deteriorate until the consequences become serious. The Process will not ‘fix’ someone who is in an active addiction. However, if that person has already started on a recovery programme, the Process can be a highly effective adjunct to their recovery. Understanding the childhood pain and identifying the source of the triggers can provide the way out.
Hoffman graduate and author Dr Gabor Maté is one of the world’s leading voices in the field of addiction recovery and trauma. Gabor is clear about the link between childhood suffering and subsequent addictions. ‘Addictions of whatever form are always attempts — temporarily helpful but ultimately worse than unsuccessful — to escape emotional discomfort, emotional pain. They are not diseases or choices but a normal response to abnormal circumstances of
suffering, usually first incurred in childhood. If we want to help heal addiction, we must deal with not simply the behaviour - which is only a symptom - but with the underlying pain, the trauma. If the child does not experience himself for being valued for who he is, he may desperately seek to prove his value through what and how much he does. The essence of Hoffman, as I experienced it, was to restore the connection to the authentic self that, for perfectly valid reasons, we abandoned when we were young.’ If you identify that you are in an active addiction the enrolment team may recommend that you join a recovery programme before undertaking the Hoffman Process. We spoke to two Hoffman graduates who kindly shared their experience of doing the Process as part of their ongoing 12-Step recovery journey.
Hoffman’s role in recovery
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PHILIP’S STORY
GEORGINA’S STORY
‘In 2006, after a long battle with cocaine and alcohol addiction, I got sober with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous. Fast-forward 12 years and I was still sober, married with two beautiful children and had a successful business. Life was good, right? No. Life was incredibly challenging. Long-running legal issues with an unscrupulous architect and builder were putting an immense strain on my marriage and bringing up colossal anger issues. A therapist recommended Hoffman.
‘I’d been in 12-Step recovery for 20 years when I did Hoffman. Initially I was recovering from chemical addiction and then I graduated to other fellowships. It’s said that completing the Steps in one fellowship can either be a bridge to normal living or a tunnel to another. I needed that tunnel several times. People compare recovery to peeling the layers of an onion in order to find out who we really are. Although I’d done quite a bit of work on myself when I came to the Process, the course allowed me to access parts of me that made sense of my life in a deeper way. In many ways I found it an embodied experience of the Steps in a safe and held setting.
When I arrived at the Process, I assumed that we’d be doing similar exercises to 12-Step and I really questioned if I needed to do the course, but once I started, I found the way the ideas and techniques had been put together on the Process were really original and unique. One key difference is that on 12-Step programmes your experience and the time you take to do the Steps can vary immensely from person to person and from sponsor to sponsor. Some people do the first few Steps very quickly but then prevaricate about ones they find particularly challenging often Step 4 where you’re asked to make a ‘searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself’. It can be tempting to become diverted by the demands of everyday life. On the Process there are no distractions and the fact that you’re doing each exercise as a group with expert guidance means that you’re helped through any resistance, so it becomes much easier to do. While you’re not listening to each other’s stories as you do at 12-Step, you each have your own experience of something at the same time, and that unified energy carries you along. The Process is also very structured compared to 12-Step, so you’re addressing very specific questions - you can dig deep into tracing the patterns that caused your behaviour. The Process is also regularly revised, so while it’s been around for more than 50 years, it has a very contemporary feel. By the end of the course I felt I’d been cleansed and given the chance of another life. It’s also helped my work without a doubt, as I’m more self-aware and better able to communicate with others. If you’re an addict, you understand about the pursuit of feeling good. I can say that the thing I did in my life that made me feel the best was doing the Process. I still feel that now, and I can connect to that feeling whenever I want to.’
The 12 Steps of recovery include:
‘BOTH HOFFMAN AND RECOVERY ARE ULTIMATELY ABOUT RECLAIMING OUR AUTHENTIC SELVES’
• admitting we have a problem and being willing to accept help and surrender to it • taking stock of ourselves and our lives • becoming aware of the defects or patterns we have taken on, and seeking to resolve them • forgiving - both ourselves, and others - and making amends • moving forward while living and loving fully To me, that’s also the journey of the Process. I especially value the experience of being in my Spiritual Self that Hoffman gave me (they also describe it as your ‘authentic self’). Through that I also feel a different relationship with the 12 Steps.
‘BY THE END OF THE COURSE I FELT I’D BEEN CLEANSED AND GIVEN THE CHANCE OF ANOTHER LIFE’
The Steps are something we do as a community and similarly Hoffman, although an individual journey, is one we make with others. That collective experience is very important. For me, both Hoffman and recovery are ultimately about reclaiming our authentic selves, and through that, finding freedom and love – love of ourselves, and love of others.’
You can find out more about Gabor Maté and his work, including upcoming workshop dates in the UK, on the website: drgabormate.com To speak to someone anonymously about any type of addiction, you can call the Samaritans signposting service for free in the UK on 116 123.
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with nutritionist & coach Laura Currie
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I found the difference between Hoffman and personal development work I’d done in the past was that in the Process, you have to face yourself full on. Previously when I‘d done therapy, as hard as it was, I walked in, cried for an hour, walked out – and put the mask back on to the world. The Process was definitely what I’d been looking for, and what all the previous work had led me towards. I really needed to be in that place, with nowhere to hide. I needed to be truly seen and heard for the real me. Laura Currie.
W
hen I attended the Hoffman Process, I appeared to be in a good place. I’d recently moved out of London to a gorgeous cottage in a more rural location. I was offering nutritional therapy in a new clinic and I’d begun to lead my first meditation group. From the outside, everything was rosy. But during my meditation classes, I had started to notice I was feeling anxious. At first, I accepted it – I hadn’t run a group in a while, so a few nerves are normal and healthy – but the longer it went on, the more I started feeling like a fraud. There I was, talking about how to manage stress and anxiety whilst pretending that I was totally calm, yet inside I was feeling unsettled.
Leaving the Process was like being a baby again, learning how to use the Hoffman tools and finding my place in life with new-found confidence. I even felt different physically – as if I’d stepped into a new body, one that felt more fluid. There were no painful patterns holding and contracting my body any more. I felt as if I could achieve anything - and I literally mean anything – as if there was absolutely nothing holding me back. I realised that what had been holding me back all this time were my self-destructive personality patterns – patterns that no longer served me. My Hoffman group are really supportive. We still look out for each other. It’s a unique and wonderful feeling to know that you can truly be yourself and be loved for you, rather than for the masks that we wear to try to make people like us. In the months since completing the course I feel much more ‘me’ - more authentic, more true to myself, my wants and needs. Now, when I lead sessions in meditation and nutritional
‘Feeling like a fraud in your career is really very common.’ therapy, I’m able to get to a much deeper place with my clients. I’m able to see their drivers around food and lifestyle choices much more clearly – such a lot of it has to do with self-care and healthy boundaries. I trust my instinct to be in the moment. I’m much more vulnerable and open in my work. I’ve discovered that people don’t want to be mentored by a perfect person, but by a human being who’s trodden a similar path. These days I speak my mind more, call people out on stuff and have much better boundaries. This was actually one of the main challenges in my life that I’d wanted to address and is one of the main areas that I’ve noticed still grows from month to month. Hoffman has given me a sense of true selfcompassion, which means I can now allow people to see the real me. I’m more comfortable with my flaws; they make me who I am. It’s all part of being a ‘work in progress’.
Visit Laura’s website: wisealchemy.co.uk for details of her meditation classes, nutritional lifestyle coaching and wellbeing warrior groups.
I began to feel quite annoyed at myself. I was running a lovely group with great students and all I could think was ‘Why do they want to hear what I’ve got to say? What do I really know anyway?’ I hadn’t been working much before I moved, and it dawned on me that this lack of work had started to make me feel inferior - a major pattern of mine. Also, feeling like a fraud in your career is really very common. Whenever I have ‘stuff’ come up, I like to deal with it swiftly and head-on. I’d heard of the Hoffman Process many years before and remembered feeling intrigued by a weeklong course that could have such profound effects. I felt this was finally the time to find out what Hoffman was all about.
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Simply Good For You: 100 Quick And Easy Recipes Bursting With Goodness Amelia Freer is one of the UK’s leading nutritional therapists and a Sunday Times #1 bestselling author. In Simply Good For You, she shares 100 quick and tasty recipes ‘straight from her own family kitchen to inspire and encourage you into yours.’ Amelia says, ‘It’s so easy to lose the impetus to cook when times are busy but when our bodies are under stress, food is a powerful counter attack. The recipes in Simply Good For You remain true to my belief that food is fundamentally about self-care, and that it should always remain a source of great pleasure and happiness’. To find out more, visit: ameliafreer.com
Photo: Susan Bell
by Amelia Freer
‘The Hoffman Process gave me the tools to grow in confidence and hence to pursue my career and my own happiness. I benefited enormously from the experience and regularly recommend it.’
Our annual round up of books by talented Hoffman graduates that have b Son Of A Silverback: Growing Up In The Shadow Of An Alpha Male Multi-award-winning comedian, presenter, actor, author and scriptwriter Russell Kane is best known for the BBC Sounds podcast Evil Genius which has become a fl agship show. Russell’s other podcast, Boys Don’t Cry, also features regularly on the iTunes podcast chart. Son Of A Silverback is a book about his Russell’s childhood, and specifi cally his relationship with father. He describes it as ‘a story about fathers and sons, class and education and how one scrawny, sensitive, fake-tan-applying “ponce” stepped out of his father’s shadow and became a man - whatever that means.’ To find out more, visit: russellkane.co.uk
Photo: Patrick Ford
by Russell Kane
‘Every day I wake up and use some sort of Hoffman tool. Attending that course transformed almost every part of my mental landscape, apart from one - the creative bit - that fortified. Now I can be manic on stage, but calm as a monk meditating in a waterfall when I’m off’.
Living Fully, Dying Consciously: The Path To Spiritual Wellbeing by Sue Brayne
Everything changed for Sue Brayne after she survived a light aeroplane crash that made her face up to her mortality and reassess everything in her life. Living Fully, Dying Consciously draws on Sue’s own healing journey, and is inspired by her academic study into end-of-life experience, as well as her work as a psychotherapist and workshop leader specialising in trauma, death and dying, spirituality and consciousness. Sue says, ‘When we accept that we are just passing through this physical existence, it puts things into perspective. Confronting our fear of death and accepting our physical mortality contributes to creating a much more conscious way of living.’ To find out more, visit: suebrayne.co.uk
50 | Hof fman Institute UK: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90
‘The Hoffman teachings form the basis for us all to find ways to live fully so we can engage with what it means to die consciously. ‘
Time And How To Spend It: The 7 Rules For Richer, Happier Days James Wallman is an author, entrepreneur, and futurist. As well as forecasting the future for multinational corporations, he has written two best-selling books; Stuffocation and Time And How To Spend It. If the most precious thing we have is time, the most highly-prized expertise should be knowing how to spend it well. Yet, busier than ever, do we really understand which experiences bring us joy and success, and which don’t? The book promises to show readers ‘how to be the hero or heroine of your own story. You’ll learn how to avoid WMDs (weapons of mass distraction), and discover the roads that lead to fl ow. You’ll get more out of every minute and every day; your weekends will fi zz and your holidays will be deeply nourishing. You’ll not only be living the good life, but building a truly great life.’ To find out more, visit: timeandhowtospendit.com
Photo: Murat Saka
by James Wallman
‘Ten years on from attending the Process, I still look back fondly on the course and I can still feel the benefits. The tools I learned on the Process have helped me stop beating myself up about not being good enough. By being nicer to myself, the whole world looks nicer, and better things feel possible. I finally managed to stick at something, to believe in myself and fulfil my dream of becoming an author.’
been keeping us inspired, informed and entertained over the past twelve months Less Clutter More Life: A Life’s Teachings by Louise Wannier
Louise Wannier is an artist and designer. Less Clutter More Life features dozens of her stunning images and was produced in collaboration with author and productivity expert Barbara Hemphill, also known as The Paper Tiger Lady. Louise says; ‘This project was for me an opportunity to help my dear friend Barbara realise an aspect of her life’s work that she had wanted to express as a subject matter pioneer and leader in the fi eld’. Barbara says, ‘Less Clutter More Life is not a “how to” book — it is a “why to” book. The words in it will be just as true 100 years from today as they are today. It is designed to encourage you to acknowledge your deepest feelings so you can accomplish your work and enjoy your life. Focus on the path, not a destination’. To find out more, visit: lesscluttermorelife.com
‘Hoffman gave me access to my spirit in a conscious manner for the first time. I was able to see much more clearly what was my truth and what was story, and the work has continued to deepen and enrich so many aspects of life. I am so grateful to the Process for opening the door to to a vast new dimension of experience that I had been missing’
Chloe Brotheridge is a clinical hypnotherapist and nutritionist who specialises in helping people who suffer from anxiety. She’s also host of The Calmer You podcast. Having experienced severe anxiety and panic attacks fi rst hand since her teens, and having found her own path to inner healing, Chloe now shares the transformative tools and techniques she used herself to achieve a sense of control and inner peace. Brave New Girl is Chloe’s second book, hot on the heels of her highly-praised debut, The Anxiety Solution.. Chloe says, ‘I know what it’s like to constantly over-think things, to feel nervous about everyday stuff and to let a lack of confi dence hold me back from being myself and being in the moment. It makes me so happy to help people to break free of the grip of anxiety and worry, start letting go of all the crap that’s held them back, and enjoy their lives with more freedom and ease.’ To find out more, visit: calmer-you.com
‘During my Process, I let go of something I’d been angry about for years and the result has been that I argue much less with my partner.’
An d
by Chloe Brotheridge
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Brave New Girl: Seven Steps To Confidence
Interested in doing the Hoffman Process?
Information Phone-In
Information Evening
Introduction Day
What is it?
What is it?
What is it?
A conference call that’s open to anyone who’d like to
An evening event that’s open to the public, lasting
A one-day workshop, where you get a chance to try
take part.
around one and a half hours. Although the evening is
out some Hoffman tools and techniques.
What happens?
structured, it’s informal - you can drop in at any point
What happens?
The number to dial and call PIN are on our website. To
or leave early if you’d like to.
Introduction days are led by two members of the
ensure costs are kept low, there are different numbers
What happens?
Hoffman team, usually facilitators or members of our
if you’re using a landline, a mobile, or calling from
Information evenings are led by members of the
enrolment team. They’re standalone workshops that
overseas.
Hoffman team. Following a brief welcome and
provide an introduction to Hoffman concepts and
We’ll start the call at 7.30pm (UK time). Calls are led
introduction, there will be a chance to hear from
methods and allow you to try out some of the things
by a member of the Hoffman team, supported by a
people who have done the Process. A member of the
you might learn on the Process.
volunteer from the Hoffman graduate community who
Hoffman team will lead a Q&A session, where visitors
If you know somebody who’s already done the
has offered to share their experience.
are encouraged to ask any questions they might have.
Process, they’re welcome to come along with you for
You’re also welcome to speak one-to-one with any of
free - just let the offi ce know in advance.
You’ll be asked to give a name, and then be welcomed on to the call. We’ll give a quick introduction and then
the team at the end of the evening.
you’re welcome to ask questions or just listen in. We’ll
Information evenings are a good opportunity for
fi nish around 8.30pm.
family and friends of people who’ve done the Process (or are about to) to fi nd out more.
Do I need to book?
Do I need to book? Yes. Places are limited, so you do need to book in advance. You can do this on our website, or by calling the offi ce. There’s also a fee for Introduction Day,
Do I need to book?
which is refunded if you go on to do the Process within
although you’ll need the phone number and call PIN
No, just turn up. You won’t be singled out or made to
twelve months.
in advance.
feel uncomfortable in any way, and you’re not obliged
No, you can just call in from anywhere in the world,
to give a name.
Dates and times for all of the events above can be found on hoffmaninstitute.co.uk. You can also register for our free monthly e-newsletter or email info@hoffmaninstitute.co.uk to book a call with our enrolment team. We look forward to meeting you!
MATTHEW PRUEN & ASSOCIATES
PRACTICAL ALCHEMY FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS The Relationship Intensive Private course for one couple
A private, bespoke three-day course with Matthew at The French Retreat. This is for just one couple to work intensively on their relationship. Available by appointment.
Making Relationships Work Group workshop for up to 12 couples
Want to find out more or looking for a venue for your own course? Please get in touch: 07508 920583
8-9 February (LONDON); 21-22 March (DUBAI); both non-residential & 20-23 July (FRANCE), residential at the French Retreat, near Bordeaux.
emma@retreat.fr
Finding Love Group workshop for up to 24 individuals
@french_retreat
4-5 April (BEIRUT); 2-3 May (LONDON), both non-residential.
The Hoffman French Retreat A five day Hoffman reboot in South West France
15-20 June & 11-17 October, residential at the French Retreat.
/retreatincharente
www.retreat.fr www.matthewpruen.com
Welcome to Florence House A MAGICAL PLACE WHERE EXTRAORDINARY THINGS HAPPEN On the brow of Seaford Head, Sussex, sits Florence House; a much-loved venue for life-enhancing workshops and retreats, weddings, corporate off-site training events, Bed & Breakfast and more…
RETREATS & WORKSHOPS CONFERENCES WEDDINGS 3 ★★★ BED & BREAKFAST 10% Discount to Hoffman Graduates booking events or workshops. For further information, contact Mairin or Steve on t: 01323 873 700 or e: info@florencehouse.co.uk www.florencehouse.co.uk