The Picador: Volume 10, Issue 11, The Satire Edition

Volume 10, Issue 11

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4.20.2015

A PUBLICATION BY HOLDERNESS STUDENTS FOR THE HOLDERNESS COMMUNITY

Holderness Cancels the Biomass Project

By Parker Densmore ‘15 As of April 3, 2015, the biomass initiative has been officially cancelled. Due to the decrease in gas prices, Holderness has decided to renew its relationship with fossil fuels. This change in operations will not only help heat our dorms to higher temperatures but will also improve the footprint our school leaves behind on the world.

There are several factors involved with the new abundance of oil. Fracking is now legal in several states, and to help off-set the high price of education, the Job Program will begin its own studentrun operation in the space behind Pichette Dorm. In addition, a recent strip mine has opened up on the Mittersill side of Cannon Mountain, allowing hundreds of New Hampshire businesses and homeowners to be freed of their reliance on gas in favor of coal. Locally, Father Weymouth has finally agreed to

adhere to the speed limit with experts predicting that this change alone will cut our gas expenditures in half.

The Board of Trustees is rejoicing in this change of plans, and they are Continued on page 11

Tuition Reduction Leads to campus expansion

By Jack Yanchitis ‘15 For the first time in fifteen years, Holderness School will be lowering its tuition—in a drastic way— for the 2016-2017 school year.

In what has been one of the hottest topics of the 21st century, the price of education in the United States has risen 300% since 1990, the largest increase of any industry. As one of the many premiere private secondary educational institutions in New England, the price to attend Holderness will be $56,250 for the upcom-

ing school year—a price that puts the high school in the top 1% of the most expensive universities in the nation.

With Holderness currently only receiving an estimated 300-500 applications, the administration—along with the Board of Trustees—recently voted on a seemingly radical new process in which the lower cost of tuition for the school year will be used to increase the number of applicants and in turn propel the school to the next level. The goal is to compete with institutions like Phillips Exeter and Andover.

With an anonymous donor pledging what Mr. Peck has called, “… a substantial amount of money that will allow for this new plan to be tested,” Holderness’s tuition for the 2016-2017 school year will only be $14,000 for boarders and $6,000 for day students. Mr. Peck adds, “This is amazing! We are so lucky to be working at a school with such amazing support from our alumni and friends. This plan will help us achieve multiple goals in our Strategic Plan.”

While the increase in applications Continued on page 10

Holderness Memes

By Charlotte Freccia ‘15

WHEN YOU GET AN A IN SHOCK AND AWE

WHEN YOU GET AN EXCELLENT EFFORT FROM MR. CARRIGAN

WHEN YOU’RE HAVING A GOOD TIME IN ASSEMBLY AND THEN REMEMBER YOUR APUSH TEST NEXT BLOCK

WHEN YOU GET THAT “CLASS IS CANCELLED” EMAIL

WHEN THERE’S A FINE REVISIT STUDENT IN YOUR CLASS The Picador: Volume 10, Issue 11

WHEN THERE’S BREAKFAST FOR DINNER 2

WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE GETS A WALKBACK

WHEN THERE’S NO CAPT’N CRUNCH IN THE GRAB-AND-GO

WHEN MS. WEYMOUTH CALLS YOU OUT FOR DRESS CODE

WHEN YOUR DORM PARENT COMES THROUGH WITH FOOD

WHEN IT’S DRESS-DOWN DAY AND YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE IN D-CODE 3

The Picador: Volume 10, Issue 11

Outside the Holderness Bubble Experiencing the True Holderness School

By Parker Densmore ’15

JV2 right off the bat on a disgustingly humid afternoon.

After much pressure from the families of prospective students, the Admission Office has finally announced plans for a “revisit year.” Revisit days have proven so popular that the office has created the year to give students who are truly on the fence the ability to experience the sensations of Holderness School.

Mr. Lewis has been full of smiles, and the teachers as a whole are excited for this new development. Since there will be prospective students visiting constantly, every member of the community will be giving the utmost care to their daily lives, and the dining hall will be serving their “usual” quality of food, on a daily basis.

Revisit year will include participation on athletic teams, a full course load— including teacher grades and comments—and the chance to spend four entire quarters in the same dorm.

Besides the difference in duration, the only real change from revisit days is that there is a fee that accompanies the revisit year. For a simple $56,250 the prospective scholars receive complete immersion into the Holderness student body for all of the benefits of an actual student, with the exception

As the year progresses, prospective students are able to obtain real experiences critical to the Holderness life. These include the chances to peel gum off of tables in Weld at six in the morning, to cry in Hagerman after your parents attend your first parentteacher conference, and to be denied a walkback.

of credit or a diploma.

But if revisit days are already perfect, how could the year be any better? The answer is pro deo et genere humano.

The students will get a true feel for the school and will be able to experience much more than the people who opt for just the revisit day.

The “true feel” of Holderness has many aspects. Starting immediately upon their arrival in the fall, the prospects will be reminded of their fabulous tour of Woodward Faculty Dormitory, promptly before they are dropped off behind Niles. Next, the students will get to see what it is like going from a face-to-face conversation with Coach Houseman about varsity soccer on a tour to being cut to

After a winter of being infected with facultykidfluenza and getting doused with milk in the lip sync splash zone during carnival, the prospective students are rewarded with spring—the community’s favorite season. Several of its high points include dropping ninety dollars on an AP exam and sitting through eight hours of academic awards.

After Commencement and the conclusion of a revisit year, each student receives a reevaluation with the admission office. If the student didn’t enjoy the year, he/she can go to Proctor or KUA or something. If they enjoyed the year, they can enroll for $59,999.95; but if still unsure about such a hefty commitment, prospective student are given the chance to participate in the rerevisit year for the same price as enrollment.

Prospective students who revisit for a whole year will also get to experience campus in May with two feet of snow on the ground.

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DJ Pauly D: H’s New Commencment Speaker

By Charlotte Freccia ’15

Former reality star and amateur DJ-turned-astrophysicist Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio will be the 2015 Commencement speaker for Holderness School, Head of School Phil Peck confirmed yesterday.

“Though the competition was tough— renowned humanitarians, best-selling authors, and former secretaries of state were all gunning for the position—Pauly D—sorry, Sir Paul—was

At Commencement, Holderness will be awarding Sir Paul of Jersey Shoreshire with its first-ever honorary diploma. Peck was overcome with emotion and pride as he announced the speaker to the student and faculty body during a special assembly, describing the administrative team and collective body as “... absolutely honored to have the beefcake formerly known as DJ Pauly D as our esteemed guest and Commencement speaker.”

Before appearing on one of MTV’s popular but controversial reality series, DelVecchio graduated from Johnston High School in Providence, RI. DelVecchio was an apprentice DJ for a local station when he connected with MTV through his MySpace profile and was then invited to be a cast member of Jersey Shore. On the show, DJ Pauly D was known for his devotion to the “Guido” lifestyle and his mantra “gym, tan, laundry.” He is also remembered for his short-and-sweet relationship with fellow alcoholic and Italian rabble-rouser Samantha “Sammy Sweetheart” Giancola.

After the finale of the alcohol-andtanning-liquid-soaked series, DJ Pauly D got himself together and graduated summa cum laude in astrophysics from Princeton (you can’t take the boy out of Jersey...). He is currently a PhD candidate at Oxford University in the UK. His thesis involves the astrophysical implications of fist-pumping; his hobbies include antiquing, gardening, and the poetry of W.H. Auden.

“DJ Pauly D—or, as he now prefers since his transatlantic move, Sir Paul of Jersey Shoreshire—is a perfect fit as our Commencement speaker because of his classic rags-to-celebrity-DJ-to PhD-candidate story. I, for one, would be proud if any of our 2015 graduates took the same trajectory as Sir Paul,” Peck added, a smile as big and bright as the sun crossing his face.

Academic Dean Kristin Magalhaes played a large part in selecting this year’s Commencement speaker.

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answer further questions as she burst into histrionics, dove under her desk, and ushered me out of her office with a long but audible crestfallen/ecstatic sigh.

If DelVecchio/DJ Pauly D/Sir Paul of Jersey Shoreshire has anything to do with it, May 24, 2015 will certainly be a day to remember.

the most qualified candidate,” she said. “He included in his application a mixed tape of his sickest beats and a headshot.”

Magalhaes has also seen a rough draft of Sir Paul’s speech. “No spoilers,” she said as she drew me further into her office and choked back tears, “but it’s absolutely moving. Sir Paul makes Nelson Mandela look like a complete hack. His story is inspiring—as is his speech.”

Magalhaes was able to confirm that Sir Paul’s nearly four-hour talk will touch on themes of hope, forgiveness, the human capacity for triumph, and the many-worlds theory of quantum mechanics.

Ms. Magalhaes was unable to

The Picador: Volume 10, Issue 11

SPORTS Heads of School seek to Renew Tabor Day

By Maggie Barton ‘16 As of the fall of 2015, Holderness’s annual Tabor Day will see many exciting and much needed changes. With zealous energy, Mr. Peck and Mr. Eccleston have worked tireless hours with Tabor’s administration to reinvent this archaic tradition. In an effort to give each school optimal and equally challenging experiences, Tabor Day has been revamped to be the best it has ever been!

The first problem to fix was the inconveniently vast distance between Marion, MA and Plymouth, NH. Instead of both schools roughing the tedious three-hour drive every other year, a neutral site has been chosen. We will be meeting at Hebron Academy so that neither team will have an unfair advantage and both will enjoy the scenic drive to Hebron’s quaint campus.

players on every varsity and JV team.

This sacrifice should give each Holderness team a much better chance at winning a point or two. With luck, Holderness students will finally get to see what the winning trophy looks like.

Mr. Peck and Mr. Quirk (Tabor’s headmaster) also labored over the awkward insignificance of the Holderness-Tabor rivalry. In response, they have vowed to create inter-school discord where it never naturally existed. Holder-

ness and Tabor administrators plan to make fake student Facebook accounts and post derogatory comments on the opposing school’s page to aggravate students from the opposite school.

This should stir up some serious angst between the two student bodies.

The two headmasters also realize that a true rivalry requires a history. There is no easy way to fix the lack of history between Holderness and Tabor, but a committee in each school will be selected to rewrite the schools’ records. Sources say in the new story, the competition was sparked in 1889 as soon as Holderness was created and has been brewing ever since.

If all goes well, by next fall, a ferocious rivalry will be in full bloom between Tabor and Holderness.

After the catastrophic falling bonfire of 2014, an improved Tabor Day will not be hard to accomplish. We can only ask that the Seawolves bring the same sportsmanship, fervor, and competition-loving attitude that the Bulls cannot be found without.

Along with the transportation technicalities, Tabor’s apparent athletic superiority needed to be addressed as well. Because of their superb sportsmanship, Tabor teams have volunteered to play without their five best

Wisconsin Declares State of Emergency

By Charles Harker ‘15 After making it to the Final Four of the NCAA Basketball Tournament, the University of Wisconsin Badgers men’s basketball team pulled off a win for the ages by gloriously taking down the Wildcats of Kentucky.

This was a monumental win, for it avenged a loss on a last second shot that occurred just a year ago with Kentucky’s Aaron Harrison sniping a ridiculously long three at the buzzer.

So, you can imagine the scene in my state’s capital when our beloved Badgers upset the Wildcats. Professors and students of UW alike were

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in the streets screaming and pouring cheese beer on one another. The Prime Minister of England, Prince of Sweden, Princess of Luxembourg, and Kim Jong-Un all called the chancellor of the University, Rebecca Blank, to congratulate her on the historic win and wish the team luck in the championship game against the Duke Blue Devils.

Appropriately, Ms. Blank asked that these people have their governments take steps to eliminate Duke University in order to secure a Badgers’ win.

Unfortunately for Duke, only the University’s administration was noti(continued on page 7)

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Ultimate frisbee team headed to NEPSACs

By Tommy Chau ‘15 There is no doubt about it. Holderness School’s 2015 ultimate frisbee team is headed for the NEPSAC Championships. As the spring season begins, the team has been doing a lot of work to maintain their place at the top before other competitors start to emerge.

However, what exactly do these ultimate guys do to maintain consistency?

come up with some other awesome plans for the team to enhance their level of intimidation even further.

The number of drills that the team has been doing is off the scale, something that one can only witness in college varsity-level sports. These drills include throwing weighted disks, jumping over elevated platforms, and catching disks 20 feet off the ground.

With a cohort of some of the most athletic people on campus, the team at its core is already a fearsome powerhouse that everyone should be afraid of. However, Coach Pope has already

Inside the gym, the team is enthusiastic about bench pressing and box jumping with medicine balls—something that not only enhances their strength but also increases their level

(Wisconsin BB continued from page 6)

and Oxford Universities with a $10,000 raise in salary, an offer surely no one will refuse. The Prince of Sweden is offering places in his royal court to all current male students at Duke, complete with twelve large castles that will serve as the largest, most majestic frat houses in history. The Princess of Luxembourg has offered all girls at Duke the title of princess and $12,000 dollars to spend at Lululemon Athletica. In the final piece of the plan to eliminate Duke University from the face of the earth, Kim Jong-Un has promised to abduct all members of the administration and brainwash them into believing that there is no such place as Duke

fied of the consequences of a Duke win Monday night, and they failed to get in touch with Coach K and the players in order to throw the championship game and protect the future of the university.

Due to my status as an admitted student at the University of Wisconsin, I am able to inform you of what the Prime Minister of England, Prince of Sweden, Princess of Luxembourg, and Kim Jong-Un will do to Duke University due to their status as 2015 NCAA Basketball Champions. The Prime Minister of England has offered all professors at Duke jobs at Cambridge

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of sociability. Communication is an essential skill in ultimate frisbee, so by chit-chatting and laughing inside the weight room, the team focuses on an aspect of the game that is often ignored by coaches of other sports.

Somehow these drills have strengthened the competitive atmosphere of the team, and the bond and harmony between the team members has caused the ultimate frisbee team to become one of the greatest teams that Holderness has ever created. If this momentum continues, there is no doubt that the 2015 ultimate frisbee team will be unstoppable.

University; he is also working closely with Wisconsin governor Scott Walker to chemically deteriorate all the buildings and grounds of Duke University.

All members of the Duke University class of 2019 and transfer students have been given the option of attending the University of Wisconsin and accepting its superiority, or becoming a Princess of Luxembourg or Duke of Sweden. Governor Walker has issued a state of emergency within the state of Wisconsin until Duke University “is no longer a thing.”

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Humans of Holderness New Student Interview with Lucy Watson Revisit Days are a great opportunity for students interested in Holderness to visit campus; however, not all prospective students are able to attend due to their distance from campus. One of these students is Lucy Watson, younger sister of actress Emma Watson.

She is from North Essex, UK, and according to the Admission Office has decided to enroll in Holderness as a new sophomore. Over break, Mr. Saunders had the chance to talk with Lucy on a Skype call and attempt to sway her toward Holderness. The following is a transcript of their conversation: Pat Saunders: So now that I’ve told you about the programs our school has to offer, what stands out for you the most?

Lucy Watson: I think Artwork Bound sounds really exciting.

I’m not as into acting as my sister, but I really enjoy ceramics and painting.

PS: That’s great. Are you interested in playing any sports here?

LW: Oh yes, I’ve played field hockey for the last five years, and I think I would like to try girls’ lacrosse. We don’t have it in England, and it looks like a very fine sport.

PS: Sweet! Any thoughts on a winter sport?

LW: I was thinking about joining the squash program, since I played it with my friends at our local court; however I’ve heard the girls’ superstars team can be quite fun.

PS: Both excellent choices. What kind of music do you like?

LW: Believe it or not, I am a huge fan of country music; I love Taylor Swift.

PS: Great! You’ll fit right in here. I’ve heard St. Paul’s is getting her for their spring fest, and we might have a weekend trip down to Concord. What are your other interests?

LW: I love cooking; I grew up always making dinner with my mum. I also really enjoy community service… because of my sister I’ve had to do a lot of public service events.

PS: Do you think your sister will come visit you here?

LW: I would hope so; she’s been super supportive of my choice to attend boarding school, and ever since she went to a New England college, she’s loved the area. She told me she’d love to come sometime next fall.

Emma Watson hugging younger half siblings Toby, Nina, and Lucy at the Deathly Hallows Part 2 Premiere in London in 2012.

Emily Perkins The Picador: Volume 10, Issue 11

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Trend Alert: Eating Gluten is good for You

By Maggie Cunha ‘16 According to recent polls, last year’s epidemic of sudden, severe gluten allergies seems to have disappeared. With hard work and determination, many of the Holderness students have heroically re-learned to break down bread, just as their ancestors have for millennia. As students bid farewell to the gluten-free lifestyle, they are enticed by Larry’s selection of desserts which are loaded with gluten, particularly his innovative new line of “Pure Unadulterated Gluten-infused Fruits, Vegetables, and Meats.” Old fashioned gluten-free broccoli is so 2014.

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Not long ago, heading to the designated gluten-free refrigerator in Weld meant you were both trendy and health conscious; however, times have changed.

These days, the ultimate power move is sitting down at lunch with a plate of pasta with gluten sauce and toast smeared with gluten spread. The kitchen reports that gluten-free muffin consumption is down 147%, and only one student, compared to the six last year, needs special gluten-free apples.

With the amount of wheat being consumed on campus today, it’s easy to forget how often last year the glutenfree fridge was empty, devoid of the gluten-free brownies and gluten-free

cookies. But, much like Farmville, the anti-flour movement’s success was short-lived and is now just aggressively annoying.

Students like Sarah Gudas, who bravely decided to reintroduce products such as bagels into her diet, are the definition of trend-setters. Sarah shares, “Although my doctor told me that gluten would ruin my life, I decided to go against the social norm and eat Larry’s banana bread with pride.” She added, dreamily, “Mmmmmm….Gluten.”

Sarah is not alone. This new, delicious fad is quickly becoming a full-on phenomenon.

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In the Community Another Boring Picador Article: Do Not Read

By AJ Chabot ‘16 Let’s be honest. 90% of the school doesn’t read The Picador. The 10% of people who do read it do so because they see it as an obligation.

They recognize the time and effort that we put in each week and settle their guilt by reading. The mere point of my writing this is to make people acknowledge the issue; however, my words will more than likely go unread.

Don’t get me wrong, most people read a little bit of each issue. They read the most important sections: the Shoutouts and Overheards!

Think about all the amazing things the school could buy if it didn’t waste money on The Picador. You could have lights for the turf rather than a boring article on “Outside of the Holderness Bubble.” And wouldn’t you much rather see a new science building than glance at look-alike pictures with cartoon characters who truthfully look absolutely nothing like the students? Speaking of cartoon (Tuition Reduction continued from page 1)

will probably not be achieved overnight, the hope is that eventually more and more donors will support the new initiative, which the school foresees as becoming ‘trendy’ in a nation whose youth are riddled with mountains of student loans.

One criticism of the new tuition rate is that the school will not be able to sustain itself on such a limited budget.

The school administration is confident, however, that after proving its success to the local, tight-knit community, that not only will Holderness attract the most competitive students, it will also have room to expand upon its 560-acre campus which is barely scratched by running trails.

look-alikes and science buildings, Mr. Houseman is so confident that no one reads The Picador that he has agreed to wear a Speedo on OB if just one person tells him about this article.

Maybe they think that the paper on which the articles are written is more valuable than the words and ideas themselves. At least the Green Team does. They have actually been sending Snapchats in which they are using our papers as compost material; they have also submitted a proposal to the administration in which they suggest using The Picador to fuel the biomass facility. #greenteamvspicador #trending Furthermore, the one section of the paper people actually read isn’t real.

Readers probably think the Overheards are actually over heard, but they will be disappointed when they realize that the Overheards are actually written following late-night viewings of Gossip Girl in Rathbun.

And, if our articles lack content, Mr. Herring puts terrible candy in the canThe now vacant lot across the street from the Walker-Hinman Football Field, due north of the Gallop and Bartch Athletic Center, was purchased three years ago to set in motion the new Strategic Plan, which was written about in detail in a fall issue of The Picador by Parker Densmore. The school hopes to vastly expand its numbers and facilities in order to become an elite prep school that can compete with the best sports teams in New England. This plan hinges on lowering the cost of admission through which the school hopes to gain national attention. The new ice hockey arena and planned reconstruction of Mittersill at Cannon Mountain—to be used exclusively by Holderness—is only the beginning of much bigger things to come here on

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dy jar. So next time you see a jar full of nursing home mints and cinnamon disks, please send us an email with a helpful article idea or a real Overheard.

The Picador’s situation is so dire that Mr. Barton told us to not even bother putting “Editor of The Picador” on our applications because even our admissions counselors won’t read it.

Let’s prove him wrong! Be the 10%!

Honestly, if you’ve read this much, I commend you. You deserve a medal or recognition at Commencement.

But, for those of you who don’t usually make it this far, you need to read The Picador because we have real ideas that we want to share. If you don’t want to read the articles for yourself, then do it for us. Ms. Magnus is four Overheards away from smashing her computer, and Mr. Herring wants to stop shredding all of the unread issues.

It’s too bad most of you won’t even get the chance to laugh at how hilarious my humor is. Oh well. Your loss.

the hill in Plymouth, New Hampshire.

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(Cancelling Biomass continued from page 1)

pledged several million in funding.

planning on overseeing all of these operations in person. There have been some protests from the Green Team; however, the majority of the faculty and students are in favor. Fortunately, the Green Cup Challenge is only based on electricity usage, not oil consumption.

In addition to helping us remove the toxic biomass system, the two companies have generously offered to fund other pieces of our school’s Strategic Plan. The new rink will be paid for by the oil giants and will feature the

BP logo at center ice. In recognition for their support, the communication office has organized a card table in the entrance of Weld for students to write hand-written thank-you letters to the 247,153 employees of the companies.

Overall, the oil boom will have very little effect on the greenness of campus.

There will still be lots of grass and the construction will only affect a handful of trees. However, the pieces of the biomass plant and its piping need to be removed due to their incompatibility with the soil of Plymouth, NH. Despite its only brief stay in the ground, the biomass equipment will leave a scar on the earth for many years to come.

Throughout the rest of the spring and trailing into next fall, the biomass piping will be removed and replaced with new oil piping. While it may impede the usual flow of students to and from classes, the final completion will be great for the community in the long run. All of this construction will not be cheap, but fortunately for our community, Exxon Mobil and BP have

Willyou gotothe promwith me?

-Joe Gillis 11

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Senior Editors Youngjae Cha Tommy Chau Parker Densmore Charlotte Freccia Charles Harker Jack Yanchitis Junior Editors Maggie Barton AJ Chabot Layout and Design Moti Jiang Keying Yang

Faculty Advisors Ms. Magnus Mr. Herring Contact Information Holderness School Chapel Lane P.O. Box 1879 Plymouth, NH 03245 Phone Number: 603.536.1257 Email: info@holderness.org

Shoutouts:

Compiled by Parker Densmore ‘15

IT & EH - Adventure Awaits KJ & CG - Legendary prom ask RG & IR - Go together like PB&J. Yum! AL & KO - She KO’d his heart

SP Playlists

Compiled by Parker Densmore ‘15 and Charles Harker ‘15 Nickelback - Rock Star Nickelback - How U Remind me Nickelback - Burn it to the Ground Nickelback - Never Gonna Be Alone Nickelback - Someday Nickelback - She Keeps Me Up Nickelback - Far Away Nickelback - Lullaby Nickelback - Hero Nickelback - Million Miles an Hour Nickelback - Saturday Night’s Alright Nickelback - Savin’ Me Nickelback - Photograph Nickelback - Figured You Out