The Treasure

The

Treasure

by Annie Gebel

I remember a song we used to sing in my Girl Scout troop a few decades ago. The words were, “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.” I loved singing it, especially when we turned it into a round! I thought it was a lovely little tune about how sparkly and fun friendships can be, whether you’ve known someone for five minutes or since Kindergarten. Back then, that was a really long time. Now, as an adult, I still think it’s a lovely tune and not only about how fun old and new friends can be…but also a little nudge to actually MAKE new friends. With my husband’s Navy career, we’ve had the opportunity to move several times and meet new people all over the country. I don’t want you to think that this nomadic lifestyle is all fun and games. It’s not. There’s a lot that’s really hard about it, including having to leave friends time and again. And it allows for friendships in every shiny color, which is probably one of my favorite things from the years he spent serving. In the military there’s a fairly constant turnover of people. You might be at a particular duty station for three years, but in that time, others are coming and going. Friends are moving through and around and out of town. People you haven’t seen in years might swing back through. You might connect with another spouse that seems perfectly matched to your parenting style, life philosophy, and love of milkshakes. You might be relieved that another spouse is finally moving on to take her drama somewhere else. And just when you settle into the groove, it’s your turn to move, probably making some people sad and relieving others! With all the changes and getting to meet new people and re-connect with others, there’s a lot to be gained about what’s important in friendships and how to make them. I gotta tell you, though, that getting out of the military life, moving someplace new, and doing it all in the midst of a pandemic, changes the playing field a little. Don’t worry though…I’ve still found silver and gold!

So, let’s talk about how friendship happens. Let’s go back to those early friendships, like way back…girl scout days, if you will. If you’re anything like me, you got sat next to the new girl in third grade. You smiled and the rest was history. BFFs before it was even a thing. The two of you planned lives together, living on opposite sides of the same pond with daughters the same age, who were, of course, also best friends! Through the next several years, you laughed and cried and cried from laughing. Other friends from other classes or sports or clubs hung out for a time, but the two of you were pretty much inseparable. Until you weren’t. Graduation, different colleges, different life paths, houses and families in different states. Maybe that’s not your story, but it is mine. I had other friends, sure, but my elementary school bestie was the only one I needed for a long, long time. And we’d met early and easily. Being in proximity with someone is probably the earliest way we learn to connect with friends, but it’s not the only way. Throughout college, and even after I got married (to my high school sweetheart who lived down the street from me growing up) and moved into the social circles created in the Navy, being near people was pretty much the way I knew to make friends. I began to expand proximity from being physically next to someone to being emotionally near them. I didn’t make the adjustment consciously, but when you’re going through something together, special bonds tend to form. It doesn’t take too much imagination to see that you at least have that thing in common and perhaps you can build on that.

So, when looking to meet new people, if you’re not already in classes or a family support group, try joining a club, volunteering for something you enjoy, noticing the people at the library when you go, or looking around the gym or church. Here’s the tricky thing, at least to me - after you meet someone you might want to be friends with, you have to ask them if they want to be friends. I know it might sound dumb, silly, juvenile, hard, obvious. All of that, and it’s the truth. I think back to my kids on the playground with other children and hearing the joyful little voice, whether theirs or someone else’s, “Hi! I’m so-and-so. Do you want to be friends?” And they’d run off giggling. I never realized the importance of this step (or that it was one, honestly) until last year when a new friend was telling me that she’d met a woman at her yoga class that she thought seemed fun and she just asked her, “Do you want to be friends?” Just like that. They went out for coffee…and became friends. I was awe-struck, inspired, a little intimidated, and impressed. Let’s recap - you’ve met a new person, you’ve asked the question, now…like dating…it’s time to see if you’re actually going to click. Sometimes it truly seems like you’ve already known each other forever and it’s obvious. Other times, though, a coffee date, ice cream date, lunch date…any and all of it is required to get to know each other and hopefully feel more comfortable with each other or maybe find out that you’re not. Either outcome is okay. Let me say that again. Whether you recognize that you’re already friends or not going to be friends, it’s okay. Both are fine outcomes and neither is a reflection of your worth. No one is friends with everyone they meet. And no one is meant to be. Your people are out there. What if, like me, you find yourself in a new place and all the old standby places aren’t fruitful with friend opportunities, hopefully not because of a pandemic but perhaps because you’ve just moved? Or you might just find that you’re in the market for people that think a little differently, like you, or laugh a little louder or run a little harder. Whatever you’re looking for, and for whatever reason, if you can’t meet and make the friends you want in person, go online! I used to roll my eyes when people said they had online friends… until I got online friends. It turns out that forums, social groups, and online communities offer the same options to get to know people as the in-person places do, all from my couch! I kind of fell into this process, again not making a conscious decision to stretch proximity to similar emotional experiences to connecting with others with similar values whom I’ve never even met! As I was looking for information on a topic and it was suggested that I see if there were any groups on my favorite social media platform. There were. I joined. Over time I realized that not only was I getting information, but I was also forming relationships. Surprise! You’re now one of those people you used to roll your eyes at…and it feels good. It feels good to have people who support you, laugh with you, tell you the hard facts sometimes. Those are friends. And, the truth I accepted, is that it doesn’t matter where you meet or if you ever meet up in person - friendship is friendship. Just like there are a lot of different ways to parent, teach, even live…there are a lot of different ways to have friendships. So, let’s go over this one more time… You meet someone, online or in person, that holds some potential to be a friend. You inquire if they’d like to go out for coffee or meet at a local park for a walk, some sort of place where you can chat each other up and see if you click. Alternatively you inquire if they’d like to be Facebook friends or join this other group you’re in or follow you on Instagram. Or you just message them and-

-chat each other up and see if you click. If you do, indeed, click, you connect again. And again. If you’re enjoying yourselves, let’s call you friends! Even though it’s only four steps, it’s not always that simple. However, it’s fully worth it to have people you can call or text or see in person that will talk you down, hype you up, and simply just love you for being you. One of my shiniest friends recently messaged me with this to say, “I think it’s crazy how I’ve never met you but love you so much.” Old friends, new friends, silver or gold - the treasure of friendship is worth searching for. And while we’re on the subject of treasured friendships, let’s talk about how to take care of the precious metals and gems that surround you. On Ducktails, Scrooge McDuck swam through his gold coins, but in reality, it’s best to handle gold only with soft gloves and as little as possible. Some gems are best cleaned by soaking them, others don’t react well to being submerged in water. Some jewelry can be worn daily while other items will stand up better over time if only pulled out on special occasions. Friendships are much the same way: different. As you make friends, online or in person, be aware of the sort of upkeep that might be needed in this relationship. What do you need? What do they? If you’re a soft gloves only kind of person and they’re a scrub with a wire brush type of friend, no matter how much you have in common, this is going to be a tough match up! Be honest and realistic and recognize that how you are and how they are can change at any time, without notice and without malice. Sometimes life’s circumstances make keeping in touch easier or more desirable. Sometimes the situation you’re in makes it that much harder to feel or stay connected. Do you desire daily conversation with another adult but know that much of that conversation will be about your kids because that’s where you’re at? Do you know that you’ve got a lot happening and daily contact of any kind sounds like a lot, but you’d love a night out once every few months, full of laughter and wine? Do you want friends to hike with or are you looking for a book club that actually reads and discusses books? It’s all out there - all the kinds of people, relationships, ways to connect, ways to support. You can find what you’re looking for. It may take time, to really figure out what you’re looking for or to connect with that thing in someone else, but you will learn so much about yourself along the way. You may begin to notice where you’re a little tarnished and could use a little polish. You may find that you’re a rare gem and not just anyone can truly appreciate the way you shine!

Whatever the case, go on…get to digging. Imagine this beauty you could unearth!

Silver, gold, crystal, or rock Friendships new or old, Give us so much to unlock.

Dingy and dirty or shining bright, Keep around you anyone who reflects your light!

That’s not the song…I just made it up, but the sentiment is similar.