On Going GREEN...

ing), “I am not talking about St. Patrick’s Day, I’m talking about being more environmentally conscious and reducing our carbon footprint, or in your case, pawprint.” WTH??? She continues, “I’m sure you’ve heard of being more GREEN, which implies you are wanting the planet to stay GREEN and healthy and you will curb your behaviors accordingly.” For the love of PETE! I knew she was mad but this is soul crushing. I can nearly taste the GREEN beer I’m washing down GREENIES with…but NOOO, she has to rain on every parade life has ever offered.

I slump to my purple beanbag chair in the laundry room. Yes, the laundry room, which should tell you how wretched my life is with no hope of joy as I slave away for this monster, penning my masterpiece of a column monthly. She has no shame.

The monster follows me to the laundry room. “Henrietta, stop this drama. Being kind to our planet is something you should celebrate, not something to be so unhappy about.”

I chewed my paw and tried to find a glimmer of hope. Perhaps going GREEN could be fun, so I ventured, “What does going GREEN en-tail?”

Her eyes lit up as she explained the changes to our lifestyle she was planning. “Well, first, we will reduce our electricity use by using candles at night instead of lights, we will take short, cold showers, we will create a compost pile so each night after dinner, you will sort the garbage, which you are so good at, and place compostable items in a bin. Next, we will reduce food waste by being very selective with our grocery shopping, we will limit takeout and delivery to use less plastic disposable packaging, we will start walking to do our errands rather than using the car”….at this point I think I fainted. When I heard reduce food and walk instead of ride, I’m fairly sure I lost consciousness. Who could possibly live like this? As I drifted back and heard her droning on, the last thing I remember her saying is that the “creme de la creme would be planting and tending to our own garden for sustainability.” I couldn’t sustain this any longer so I ran for the door and didn’t stop until I was at the Salty Dog. Huffing and puffing, I staggered through the door and found cousins Hortense, Henry and Hilda at the bar. Thank God…I needed to hear the voices of sanity. Well sanity may be a stretch for this threesome but at least they are not trying to steal my entire life’s pleasures.

Hilda took one look at me and said, “Henrietta, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” ‘I have,” I replied, “It was me. I’m dead.” Hortense started laughing and so brilliantly pointed out that no I wasn’t dead, I was standing right here. Oh Hortense…there just are no words. Ignoring her, I told the trio my horrific situation that DL was changing our entire life to help the planet and I would no longer have lights, hot water, large choices in food, car rides, or takeout. I mean, this is a total disaster.

As if things could not get worse, I notice Penelope has been sitting in the corner staring at her face in wall mirror the entire time. “Henrietta, I couldn’t help but overhear your predicament. I think reducing your food intake will do wonders for your waistline you lost two summers ago," she smirked. “Oh Penelope, it’s you,” I replied. “I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?” She mumbled something about hairspray and made her way to the door as I called, “And, you should do your part on going green, stop breathing oxygen and save a tree!”

I turn back to the group and Henry says, "Well, we aren't "going green" at our house. Tonight we are going to ride go-carts." Hilda chimes in, "No, us neither. We are going to enjoy our hot tub tonight with some margaritas." Ouch. And then Hortense adds, "Not to make you feel bad Henrietta, but we are getting Chinese takeout tonight, you know, the one you love with the cute little oyster pail boxes." I can't take this anymore. I slump out the door and head towards home. The only green I'm going to be is GREEN with envy!