On Shedding Pounds & Her Love Of Country Music Henrietta

July puts us right in the middle of bikini season and I’m still in a one piece with a skirt attached. Not good. As a believer in storing fat for the winter, I only gained a respectable 5 lbs since the Christmas Holidays. I was quite proud of this accomplishment until I was aptly reminded by my cousin Harmony that 5 lbs is 25% of my body weight. I can see why Aunt Harriet didn’t name her Charmony.

When I attempted to explain my winter weight philosophy, her thoughtful response was, “Henrietta, you can’t just let nature run wild.” Really? Of course I rolled my eyes and then she said, “Just because I’m stupid doesn’t mean I’m dumb.” To keep her out of my business for a while, I replied, “Ok Harmony, if you’re so smart then tell me why glue doesn’t stick to the inside of the bottle and why you can’t taste your tongue?” She's still working that all out in her pretty little head.

However, gastro-phobe Harmony is right. I have to shed these 5 lbs. I’ve tried “Kickboxing For 4 Leggs” and “ABS-Olutely Canine” video workouts…didn’t work. I’ve tried The South Claw Diet, Cur-Tail and Biscuit Busters. No results. I’ve decided I need a new approach…dance. Yes, I’m going to shake off those pounds to my newfound love, Country Music.

As I see it, no other genre of music has paid more homage to canines than Country Music and I’m going to return the favor by making it my goto playlist and my weight loss muse. Classics like “I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win” or “I Was Drinkin’ Out Of The Toilet When Life Gave Me The Flush” make you want to move your feet, clap your paws and shake your be-hind. And, there’s another reason to hitch my leash to Country Music. The men are FINE! Tight jeans, big hats and crooning voices prompted me to post notice at the local watering hole that I’m no longer available. I heard the howls of anguish from would-be suitors all the way down at the Piggly Wiggly. When I become famous from a song written about me, they'll coming running for my pawtograph.

My first love was Tim McGraw (I’d love to crawl up in that hat of his) until I discovered Blake Shelton on The Voice. Yes, he has a Voice but he is also HOT! He makes my tail wag so hard my butt wiggles. When I heard him sing Hillbilly Bone, I knew any man that sang about bones was the one for me.

Which got me to thinking that if I wrote a song for him about me, he would surely record it and we could go to the CMA Awards together to receive our well-deserved trophy. It'll be fun to make Carrie Underwood cry.

Anyway, back to the song. After I downed a few Ugly Pugs (yes, it's a beer although I agree that Pugs are not the best looking representation of the canine world), I penned this beauty for Blake to record about me:

Henrietta My Love, By Blake Shelton

Went down to Houston where I’d never been before

I ain’t seen such pretty girls with as many legs as four

There’s really a special one that’s just right for me

She loves a good steak and a sniff of a tree

Our future together would be filled with lots a’ fun

She’d bring me the paper and I’d rub her belly in the sun

As she drinks from the toilet, I’d have a bottle of beer

She’d lick my nose and I’d scratch her behind the ear

Love would fill our hearts right up to the brim

She’'d tell all her friends, “I’m crazy about him”

Yes I know she’s for me I feel it down to my cowboy boot

Where else can I get a gal with 20 digits and a 6-breasted swimsuit?