The Bastard 4 3 2015

B ASTA R D

APRIL 1, 2015

THE

RE ALLY RE AL NEWS

PRAISE OVERLORD BRYANT

NE D DUN KEL | PR PR O F ES S I O N AL, ERR I MEAN STAFF W R I T ER • Overlord Bryant makes

Wabco a better place. See the picture of him shaking hands with a homeless man? That is the portrait of a leader who cares. Thursday, Mar. 27 Overlord Bryant spent the day volunteering at a local soup kitchen. As the Leader of the Peoples’ Republic of Wabco, Overlord Bryant works for his student body.

Having an independent paper puts the benevolence of Our Leader at risk.

The media is dangerous; the media distorts the truth to serve its own end.

The media spread lies about your government, the Government of the People, in order to spread fear. To protect and serve his loyal and obedient followers, Overlord Bryant announced that he has assumed full control of the Wabco newspaper.

Readers will notice a change in certain aspects of the paper. Overlord Bryant has created a Bureau of Censorship to ensure the paper meets the only the highest level of journalistic integrity. The newspaper now will be dedicated to disseminating the truth; it will no longer serve to spread fear or generate scandal. The former advisor of the Wabco paper, Howard FewWits, has been terminated for his role in spreading seditious libel about the current administration.

Loyal readers of the Wabco paper will be happy to see the improvement that this change will bring. New readers will be sure to love the new look of the Wabco news outlet. So please enjoy this first issue of the Mike Pence News Network, The Peoples’ Paper of Wabco.

ADMINISTRATIVE SCANDAL

F R IT Z C O U T C HI E | F O R ME R CAVELI FE EDI TO R •

This document has been redacted by the Censorship Bureau of the Peoples’ Democratic Republic of Wabco, at the order of Patrick Bryant, the people’s fair and just leader.

Scandal erupted Tuesday at Wabco when _____________________________ ____________________. Students found that Overlord Bryant ______________ _________________________ _______ _________________________________ ________________________. Overlord Bryant, Student Body President, Editor and Chief of the Peoples’ Newspaper, and the Crown Jewel of Wabco was concerned by the news.

“I don’t mean to step on anybody’s toes, and I don’t want to offend anybody, but I think the only solution to the problem at hand is for me to help our student body,” Bryant said. “I am not looking for more responsibility and I want to empower our dear citizens, but in this time of crisis, we need to act.

As unfortunate as it is for me, in order to best serve you, I will need to grant myself emergency powers.”

Overlord Bryant seeks ______________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ___________________.

Bryant maintains that these powers will be granted temporarily and will cease as soon as this scandal leaves the public eye.

With these new powers Overlord

Bryant Finds Unicorn Our leader proves again his legitimacy by finding a unicorn P25

Bryant will be able to ________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ______________________, Overlord Bryant will suspend the next student body election pending a resolution of this issue. _________________________________ ___________________________________ ___________________________________ ___________________________________ _____ At press, Dean Grape Juice was not entirely sure of the schedule of what happened. Some points of the night are clear. __________________________ _______________ the monkeys ________________then the British ______________ raining cats and dogs ______ ransacked the house _______ _________________________________ _________ Vodka poured everywhere _____________________________ 1980 Dirt Nasty _________________________ lawsuit pending ____________________ and finally he walked under the arch.

Things seemed to calm down when the Rhynes arrived.

Unfortunately, it was too late to save the __________________. The only reasonable response according to Dean of _______ was to have a group __________ ___. Only one member was taken to the hospital as a result of the _________, but he shows signs of a strong recovery. When asked about the incident the students explained: “_______ everything was_________ fun __________ highly consensual.”

Not all is known about the scandal, but coverage will continue as the story

Wi-Fi Confronts your criticism Actually this won’t be in the paper, the Wi-Fi was too slow to respond for the article

develops. This paper is committed to seeking the truth.

There will be no more coverage. The author of this article has decided to leave the college, he is well.

BRYANT PR / PHOTO

The originally included photo was deemed inappropriate for public viewing by the Censorship Bureau. Instead, here is a photo of Bryant shaking hands with a homeless man.

Strange Disappearance of Howard FewWits Any relation to the increase in all-campus emails? P19 VOLUME 107 • ISSUE 1

THE BASTARD

LOOKING FOR LOVE OR THINGS AND STUFF

PERSONAL:

PERSONAL:

PERSONAL:

PERSONAL:

Seeking Connection: All of the electronic devices on campus, all of the time. A student, community, or even staff would do. Just tired of not being able to maintain a long-term connection that doesn’t drop out on you when you really need it.

Literature “expert” seeks avid listener: Russian literature “expert” seeks audience to listen and praise without speaking. Interests include talking, myself, coffee and American Spirt Black cigarettes.

Seeking Connection: Phi Delt seeking, well, anyone. Please come, were cool we promise.

Come one come all! We need participants! We will give you free stuff!

It’s fun! We may be desperate, but at least this isn’t as annoying as campus emails….

Email us at: boxerbeer4life@rage.com

Please see me in the Mystery Machine near the river.

Email me, or at least try to!

Please see me in the white building near the Kappa Sigma Hooka Lounge.

PERSONAL:

PERSONAL:

PERSONAL:

PERSONAL:

I saw you on the mall, walking towards the arch and carefully walking around it. You caught my eye because you, too, are a fellow student of color, but I’ve never seen you. There’s like, 15 of us on campus and we’ve never met. How has that happened? We passed and briefly made eye contact.

Student Senate seeking non apathetic senators to make things more interesting. Really, anyone will do as long as you have an opinion.

College Democrats Seeking Opposition:

Tell me what I was wearing. melanin_ inmyskin@gmail.com

Kappa Sigma seeks Jewish and Native American initiates! In an effort to round out their Noah’s Ark of ethnicity, the Wabash chapter of the Kappa Sigma fraternity is seeking to initiate a Jewish and Native American student, the only two minorities not residing in the house.

The fraternity promises guaranteed initiation regardless of grades or personal merit.

CLASSIFIED:

CLASSIFIED:

CLASSIFIED:

CLASSIFIED:

Fiji seeking domestic help. Must be able to polish shoes, shine silverware and iron clothing.

SCAC Seeking 70s Band for National Act Having given up on the prospect of getting anyone current to come to Wabash, the SCAC is looking for bands who still have some living members to perform at National Act next year.

Black students seeks other black student to just… talk. Literally. Anyone. I just need to fellowship with another brotha.

These white folks are crazy. I saw one rolling around in the grass kicking his feet up. Like what is that? Serious inquiries only.

Theta Delta Chi seeks new house.

Any form of lodging will do, even a box. We’re in a “rush” to find this new housing. We won’t even ask the administration to put a camera on its construction

Email us at: SCAC@weallseetogether.

brothas/only16@wabash.edu

CLASSIFIED:

CLASSIFIED:

CLASSIFIED:

CLASSIFIED:

Help Wanted, Admissions Seeks Parking Attendant: The Admissions Office is tired of having to copy and paste from a previous email each time a visit day occurs. Instead of inviting us to consider parking elsewhere, a parking attendant is the best course of action.

Seeking Pair of Headphones

Fi PharmaPsi seeking air-freshener to remove smell of skunk outside of building. The smell is scaring away prospectives. Please help as soon as possible.

Classified​- Selling All my possession, all of them, you can buy anything you want. It’s not for drugs or anything bad. I’ve joined a lifestyle company. We sell energy drinks, knives, or something like that.

That’s not important, it’s really about believing in yourself. I do believe in myself, that’s why I need money to buy in. Don’t worry guys, once I get three people the membership will pay for itself and then I’ll build my empire.

Minimum 40 hours a week. Must be able to pass a background check.

Contact daddy’smoney@gmail.com

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Inquire at Trippet Hall.

Just about the whole football team needs a pair of headphones. Despite the fact that we own the weight room, the team has decided to entertain the idea of having players use headphone when in the weight room. Must be Beats or another flashy, unnecessarily showy brand.

| WABASH.EDU/BACHELOR | THE BACHELOR

Email us at wematter@senate.gov

Noting the absence of any other organized political group on campus for most of this academic year, the College Democrats are seeking someone, anyone, to act oppressed by and to feud with.

See us at the Soup Kitchen for dinner.

Contact us at: Onthelevel.gmail.com

Respond to povertysticken@aol.com

BASTARD

A BASTARD’S MISFORTUNE:

WHAT’S YOUR MISFORTUNE?

HOROSCOPES

LIBRA: SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22: ARIES: MARCH 21-APRIL 19: One of your professors will make a totally Yak worthy comment this week. Be sure to keep your phone charged, so you can reap the massive amount of Yakarma it is sure to yield.

TAURUS: APRIL 20-MAY 20: The hour is nigh! You’ve tried for months, but you will finally befriend a squirrel on the mall this week.

Treat your furry new ally well, for he will prove vital in the coming months.

GEMINI: MAY 21-JUNE 20: The stars predict that president Hess will violate good urinal etiquette by using the urinal directly to your right. Use a stall this week to save yourself the awkward encounter.

CANCER: JUNE 21 – JULY 22: While typically the only edible thing in Sparks, you must avoid their pizza at all costs this week. The stars predict that you will become violently ill if you try to partake of this collegiate delicacy. Look at this as an opportunity to try a healthy salad.

LEO: JULY 23 – AUGUST 22: Clear some space in your sock drawer this week. You’re about to discover where all of those socks go when they disappear in the dryer.

VIRGO: AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22: The stars predict that Buses of women will finally show up on campus. The girl of your dreams will be on one of those buses.

Unfortunately, you’ll be to socially awkward from months of all male interaction, strike out, and wind up drinking beer alone in the shower.

COLIN THOMPSON ‘17/ PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS

LEFT: The building as it is currently named, many are concerned with the negative association.

RIGHT: A mock-up of the expected building front after the name change.

A HAZE FREE CAMPUS T A Y L O R SO F T HO U S E ‘ 1 5 | STAFF W RI TER • After receiving hun-

dreds of parent calls complaining about the school’s Haze endorsement, the College announced that it was changing the name of all Haze buildings on campus. The news received a mostly positive reaction, but some were unsatisfied.

Some recent alumni fear that the name change will bring about further change and negatively impact the campus culture. Fakian Mouse ’10 saw Haze Hall as an integral part of his college experience.

“The ‘Haze gaze’ was a key part of my time at Wabco,” Mouse said. “Knowing that I had to spend three days a week ‘getting Hazed,’ built my character.

It’s important that the students now have the same experience I did. That’s how Tradition works. Wabco is built on tradition, and going to Haze was a big part of that tradition.”

Sidan Goatherd ’14 agreed, citing that changing the name may lead to worse changes.

“Everyone knows what happens in Haze Hall,” Sidon Goatherd said. Is changing the name going to change the experience? If students don’t leave Haze Hall broken and crying, then how can they expect to become Wabco men? Should the college change the name of the Malcolm X Institute to the Rosa Parks Center, just because it’s less controversial?

For Wabco President Egregious Mess, the name change was necessary.

“No institution wants to see anything Haze,” Mess said. “Wabco is a place where all students should feel welcome supported at all times. Personally, I am sick of explaining to parents that all Wabco students should go to Haze at some point in their college experience.”

The new building name will be announced Tuesday at a meeting of the Trustees. The new name is expected to honor an alumnus who dedicated his life to the sciences. The alumnus, John Pledge ’74, could not be reached for comment. Many expect the new name to be Pledge Hall.

Haze Hall is not the only building facing a name change. The Haze Alumni Center will also change. Earlier this week Mess announced that this building will be known as the Wabco Centre for Culture, Tradition, and Family Values.

“The new name for the Alumni Center better enforces why we need alumni support,” Mess said. Our research shows that Wabco grads react well to the themes of Culture, Tradition, and Family Values, and now the building reflects those Wabco ideals. Donating to Wabco, is donating to these traditional, conservative values.”

As for the MXI, there are no current plans to change the name.

“I never thought of changing the Malcolm X name, but now that you bring it up…maybe it should be changed,” Mess said. “Rosa Parks is less offensive, I wonder how it plays with the media and donating alumni…”

A rapidly aging professor will struggle to operate frustratingly modern technology. It will infuriate all parties involved, but the 30 second YouTube clip will be well worth the nine minute struggle

SCORPIO: OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21: The Haters will most definitely hate as you and your bros find yourselves in the midst of an intense Taylor Swift binge listening session later this week. It’s best to take your girl T-Swift’s advice, and shake off any hate you may encounter.

SAGITTARIUS: NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21: You are definitely missing an 8 am class this week. Save yourself and your roommates the trouble and shut your alarm off altogether. It’s just not happening!

CAPRICORN: DECEMBER 22 –JANUARY 19: You will become overwhelmed with the desire to participate in Ballin’ @ 8 this week. After you decide to finally see what all the hype is about, Ballin@ 8 will be moved to 9, and you will not be able to attend given a previous commitment.

AQUARIUS: JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18: The stars predict that you will have an awkward encounter with a colleague of the opposite sex. This clearly does not apply to you

PIECES: FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20: You will finally apply geometry in a practical real-life scenario this week, just as your geometry teacher assured you. This will be the very last time you use geometry. It’s best to forget it after next week.

THE BACHELOR | WABASH.EDU/BACHELOR |

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BASTARD

OLD MAN SENIOR ON ONLINE REGISTRATION

NEW POLICY: WABCO TO ONLY HIRE WABCO GRADS

ERNEST GOODWAY ‘15 | BLABBERING OLD MAN • “If it ain’t broke,

don’t fix it.” Words to live by, if you ask me. There are a number of people on campus that could learn something from this. The new ‘student housing’ comes to mind. Back in my day, students had to earn their housing, it wasn’t just given to them. What’s more, each room has a bathroom. Each room? I wrote a furious letter when they first tried to give each floor it’s own bathroom. Those students living in the luxury of Martindale don’t know what it’s like to walk through the arboretum to the campus bathroom.

But, I digress.

The current issue facing this great college is registration. It’s something that Wabash has done right since 1832. But now the poor, misguided registrars office is jumping on this internet bandwagon.

Back in my day we filled out our schedules with pen and paper, from our printed course catalogs, and when we signed up they wrote it on paper. As God intended. This way you knew what you were signing up for and you knew you were signed up for it.

There’s another issue, entitlement.

The students of this generation think that they deserve things. They think they should be able to sign up for whatever courses they want, without having to work for it. When I started at Wabash we would all form in line early in the morning (or late the night before) for registration. Whoever, waited longest got into the classes they wanted.

This new registration online registration takes the fight out of Wabash. It also makes new students soft.

Earnest Goodway ‘15 contemplates his time at Wabco.

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FRANKOVIAK HIPPO ‘16 | UNFORTUNATELY NAMED REPORTER•

WABCO PROFESSORS PROUDLY FAIL KRISTO P E T E R D ISC IP EL L E ‘ 1 7 •

The rigor of the Wabco curriculum is notorious to everyone on the Wabco campus. Even the most brilliant and diligent student finds himself struggling to get through his courses. One student, for which the campus held particularly high hopes for, Jesús Kristo, is even looking to be failing his first year here at Wabco.

“We realize that our curriculums can be difficult,” said Dean Simon Peterson, “but we at Wabco believe in setting a high standard for a reason. The world out there isn’t going to be easy.”

Jesús’s difficulty is particularly disconcerting considering how he is the adopted son of accomplished alumnus, Joseph Mann ’1, founder of his own carpentry complex. Reports say that Joseph was very disappointed with his son and took him off campus on Friday evening to give him a scolding for three days. The son of Mann returned on the third day.

Among Kristo’s challenging professors have been Dr. Hande and Dr. J. Sparrow of the mathematics department, Dr. Dillydally Jr. of the chemistry department, Dr. Claus of the physics department, Dr. Boss of the biology department, and Dr. Ball of the English department among others.

“We realize that our curriculum can be difficult,” said the Economics Professor T. Rickle-Down after having a long confrontation with Jesús, “but we won’t lower our standards. Much is expected of our students and therefore, much is required”.

Reports say that Jesús was instructed

| WABASH.EDU/BACHELOR | THE BACHELOR

by various professors to learn to organize his time, get plenty of rest, and to see the tutoring department, which is available to all students literally moments before a major project is due, late in the evening before major tests, and during important events on campus. Among the tutors available for assistance are, Pythagoras, Isaac Newton, Nikolai Tesla, and Adam Smith, who are always prepared with the answers that the students need to move forward.

Reports also say that Jesús lately spends his nights in despair of the great burdens of all of his current classes and responsibilities, staying up late browsing YouTube and staring off into space before crying himself to sleep from all the stress.

“It’s really easy to turn to alcohol during these troubling times” said Jesús’ best friend and roommate, John Apostello, “I’m really proud of him for not turning to our water cabinet.”

Jesús was last heard confessing that he maybe wasn’t cut out to be a chemistry major after all and should possibly turn to studying something else like history or English or, maybe even religion. He is also going to take a break from college life for a semester or two to try to clear his head from all that’s been happening.

Even if he hasn’t gotten off to such a great start, Wabash College is very pleased to have him on campus and hopes that he continues to pursue his academia here. “I think he’s got a lot of potential,” said Dr. Hayima Oxford-Graduate in the history department. Though this campus must say good-bye for now, Wabash looks forward to the second coming of Kristo.

In a surprise move, Wabco President Gregor Mess confirmed that all new Wabco hires must be graduates or friends of the College. The announcement came at a meeting last Tuesday after he was questioned about the hiring process. Mess believes that nepotism is the only way to satiate donating alumni, who are concerned about Wabco culture.

“I still don’t know exactly what Wabco culture is,” Mess admitted. “Hiring Wabco graduates, regardless of their qualifications or past experience, will perpetuate the culture that you people love. We’ve had good results from this policy, our hires make the donating alumni happy.”

Nepotism is a more efficient system than a traditional hiring process. In the traditional process one must post an open position, read through resumes, host interviews and choose the most qualified. When hiring based on nepotism, one must only call a friend and blindly offer a job.

Some criticise the nepotistic hiring policy, but Mess is convinced that it will bring benefit to the College. To Mess, nepotism was an important aspect of many strong societies.

“I’m an academic, I have studied history and I know that nepotism has never negatively impacted an organization,” Mess said. “Wabco is a place for Wabco men, by Wabco men, and outsiders don’t belong. By only hiring Wabco men, were obviously choosing the best candidates. Everyone that graduates Wabco is a genus.”

Given the number of hires that the college needs to make this year, Mess plans to fill some vacancies by hiring graduating students during their commencement.

Admissions is no longer the only department that seeks to hire middling recent graduates. Soonto-be-graduates should apply for any of the vacant positions available regardless of their qualifications.

These positions include the head of the Rosa Parks Center, Wabco paper advisor and 33 football coaches and admission assistants.

BASTARD

PETA TO PROTEST GRADUATION JOHN SMITH ‘14 | STAFF WRITER •Looks like new travels fast: everyone

knows about Wabash’s sheepskin degrees, a hollowed tradition – literally hollowed, as the sheep are brought on campus and gutted. Thinking critically means using every part of the sheep, especially the guts, which are used to make the drums used in Wamidan.

Living humanely means knocking them out with massive doses of flynap borrowed from the biology labs to finally get them to stop screaming mid hollowing. Anyhow, everyone knows about it – including PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals advocacy group, who are making plans to protest this years’ commencement ceremony. “Sheepskin is a sin!” shouted Crunchy Granola, a PETA representative, in an interview that didn’t make much sense. “For years Wabash has been hollowing poor, innocent sheep, skinning them just to hand out those stupid Latin degrees,” Granola said, while fondling the ear of a sheep. Seriously, it was weird. Dude was going to town on this lamb’s ear.

When confronted with the reality of this deep-seated tradition, Granola just shook his greasy hair and stamped a bare foot into the dirt. “Traditions have to be questioned,” Granola said,

dabbing patchouli oil behind his ears, while still fondling the ear of a sheep who seemed as uncomfortable as an animal can be. “The arches, the seals; you guys are all just creeps waiting to go to the first blood ceremony,” Granola whined. The First Blood ceremony is an annual event where the President of the College, (or a deranged stressed freshman pledge, who ever gets there first, really), slits the throat of the first sheep to be slaughtered, among many, for their skins. With the Sphinx Club grilling out (sheep kabobs!), WAR council handing out napkins and smocks, and ‘shOUT club providing condoms for God knows what, the event is a true Wabash tradition. PETA thinks otherwise, but students support the slaughter. “It just makes the degree special, the way its written in Latin on sheepskin,” said some geed ass senior who’s name I didn’t bother to ask. “Plus, you can still smell the fear in it. That’s pretty cool”. Of course, all students support the sheepskin, but the Wabco Exegesis has recently joined forces with PETA against the sheep killings. “Something passive aggressive and snooty on the cover, with lots of thesaurus words,” the magazine read. I don’t really know, I didn’t check. I don’t read it. Does anyone?

COLIN THOMPSON ‘17 / PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? Above is a picture of Howard FewWits, former advisor to the Wabco newspaper. During his tenure, he encouraged the student “journalists” to continually question and criticize the administration.

The photo above is created though mugshots of his coconspirators. If you have any information that leads to the capture of these outlaws, please provide it to our leader’s new security chief, a recent Wabash Graduate.

STUDENTS REACT TO RFRA: REAL STUDENTS REACT

A BE W A TS O N ‘ 1 4 , vocal atheist, “I’m very pleased to see that the government passed a law declaring that I’m free from the influence of religion.

Wait it’s the opposite? Yeah, lets give more power to the majority. That usually works well.”

S TEF O N D EJ U N N ER ‘ 1 8 , active sh’OUT member, “Uhhh so I’m trying to decide what name is more offensive. The Defense of Marriage Act, or the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. I guess I got so excited about fighting against something that I didn’t take the time to really understand which one I was more inclined to get worked up about.”

BU BBA CO L T ‘ 1 7 , Wrestler, “Listen, where I’m from, we beat anyone that chooses to be gay. I mean, why do they get to make that choice? But I’m persecuted for knowing that they’re going to hell. It’s not fair, I needed this law so that I can feel accepted on this campus when I stuff some queen in a trash can.”

Send in your reactions using the hashtag: #godorgays

THE BACHELOR | WABASH.EDU/BACHELOR |

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