How to Deal with Difficult Emotions at Work

By HARVEY DEUTSCHENDORF

Many organizations now understand the importance of developing a healthy workplace culture and spent a great deal of time, finances, and effort in creating one. The vision of a workplace where everyone is happy, cheerful, and positive at all times can be very tempting and organizations can succumb to these temptations. I’m reminded of a propaganda cartoon created in the Soviet Union during the Stalin era of smiling, happy farm workers gleefully going about their duties. However, it is a view that is not only impossible, but unrealistic and toxic. In my book, The Other Kind of Smart, www.theotherkindofsmart.com I talk about emotions themselves being neutral, neither good nor bad. It’s what we do with them that matters. Being forced to suppress negative emotions in the workplace doesn’t make them go away. Rather it drives them underground, where they fester and grow, making them stronger. Organizations that set up the expectations that negative emotions have no place set themselves up for volatile toxic cultures. While it is no easy task to deal with difficult emotions, organizations must not ignore, or shrink from dealing with them.

Rather than suppressing negative emotions, there are ways that organizations can work towards giving everyone the freedom to express themselves in a way that helps the situation rather than make sit worse.

Instead of seeing negative emotions as a threat, organization should look to all emotions expressed by their people as information on issues that need to be addressed for the health of the organization. By bringing the emotions to the open there is an opportunity to work them out, rather than driving them underground where they can do more damage. Organizations can have people who are trained in active listening. That means listening to someone with strong emotions simply to understand. Most of the time when someone is speaking, we are thinking of a response, instead of simply paying attention to what the other person is saying. Simply being heard will go a long way in helping someone expressing strong emotions release some of the energy that those emotions carry. Not being heard, or being judged for having that emotion, will have the opposite effect and grow that energy. Adi Segal, CEO of Hapi, a digital platform that provides listening certification and Active Listening as a Service (ALaaS), notes that “Adding listening to the workplace may seem simple, but like any new skill, it requires practice. Leaders must strengthen their listening muscles, just as they would go to the gym. It’s both an art and a science, so teams must intentionally build in the time and space to listen deeply to one another. Ultimately, this will strengthen the company culture and help drive the bottom line.”

When people understand that their negative emotions such as fear, anger or sadness can be openly acknowledged they will develop a sense of psychological safety within the organizations. When acknowledging someone’s tough emotions, it is important not to get defensive or hide behind emails or other technology. The only way to deal with this is person to person.

However, Segal says, “Though human-to-human communication is the only way to resolve conflict, often people hide behind fake positive communication. The pressure to maintain a positive attitude can also lead to a lack of authenticity in the workplace, as employees may feel like they have to put on a facade rather than being their true selves.” He adds, “Ultimately, toxic positivity can create a toxic work environment that can negatively impact an employee’s mental health and work performance. In essence, toxic positivity is the opposite of creating an open listening environment at work.”

If a situation is too volatile and we are uncomfortable, or ready at the moment, it is better to take time away and allow a cooling off period. Allowing that period of separation and the emotions to calm down will lead to a greater chance of the conversation becoming a learning opportunity.

For leaders, dealing with someone’s tough emotions can be one of the most difficult parts of the job. However, if handled well, the person who expressed these emotions could learn valuable information about themselves and appreciate that someone was there for them to hear them and try to help.

Someone with difficult emotions may be an employee who cares deeply and wants to give his best for the organization. If they are handled well, they may develop a healthy respect for the person who had the courage not to ignore or deny their emotions. This could potentially make them a long term loyal, productive employee.

Harvey Deutschendorf is an emotional intelligence expert, internationally published author and speaker. To take the EI Quiz go to theotherkindofsmart.com. His book THE OTHER KIND OF SMART, Simple Ways to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence for Greater Personal Effectiveness and Success has been published in 4 languages. Harvey writes for FAST COMPANY and has a monthly column with HRPROFESSIONALS MAGAZINE. You can follow him on Twitter @theeiguy.