38 minute read
Overtime
Ed Daniels
Some of Louisiana’s best recruits are staying on the bayou in Thibodaux
It is new turf for the head football coach of the Nicholls Colonels.
“We recruited a lot of good football players,” said head coach Tim Rebowe. “Unfortunately, we can’t take all of them.”
The Colonels continue to flex their muscle in southeast Louisiana, and especially in metro New Orleans.
Despite having three quarterbacks who will compete for the starting job in the spring, Nicholls was able to sign Karr quarterback Leonard Kelly, who led the Cougars to back to back state 4A championships.
“He is a winner,” said Rebowe. “He didn’t care who was in the quarterback room, he wanted to compete.”
The Colonels also landed a pair of defenders from Archbishop Rummel’s Division I state champions.
Linebacker Quinton “Pig” Cage is someone who according to Rebowe is “always around the ball.”
“He can play multiple positions.” At Nicholls, he’ll be joined by teammate Malik Woodery, a defensive back.
Both were part of a defense that yielded no touchdowns in eight of 10 regular season games.
Nicholls also landed St. James quarterback Shamar Smith, who will play slot receiver for the Colonels.
Nicholls also got a signature from John Ehret’s Brandon James, one of the most versatile players in the state. James can play offense, defense, and return kicks.
He will play defense, first at Nicholls. On signing day, James said why he chose Nicholls.
“I chose Nicholls because it felt like home,” said James.
“The campus, the coaches, they just kept that connection. I love coach Tim Rebowe and coach Lee Roussel. They are going to get me better and better at what I do.”
John Ehret head coach Marcus Scott said James had other opportunities.
“He could have gone other places, bigger programs, but he decided to stay close to home.”
“It is a really good fit for him, and we are looking forward to the next four years.”
The 2020 season at Nicholls will be a page turner.
Quarterback Chase Fourcade, who led the Colonels to back to back Southland Conference titles, finished his eligibility.
When spring practice kicks off March 11, a three-way quarterback battle will commence between Lindsey Scott, Kohen Granier and Andrew Robison.
“Chase will be difficult to replace,” said Rebowe. “And, the hardest part will be to replace his leadership.”
Rebowe said one of the best things about the 2019 season is that the Colonels were picked to finish first, and finished first.
But, 2019 doesn’t appear to be the last Southland Conference title to be won in Thibodaux in the foreseeable future.
“We have former players recruiting for us.”
And, on signing day, some of Louisiana’s best agreed.
The bayou is a great place to be. BC
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Couples featured in our Marriage Special
Why is the sacrament of marriage important to you as a couple?
Getting married in a church has always been important to me and my husband. Growing up Catholic we knew that the blessed sacraments are important in life. Both of our families raised us with a strong Catholic upbringing, so we always believe in putting God first in our relationship. Getting married in the church was the next step in our spiritual journey together. Blair W. and Robert Gonsoulin Wedding Date: January 11, 2020 Church Parish: St. Andrew, Amelia MICHAEL TORTORICH PHOTOGRAPHY
54 • Bayou Catholic • Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux • March 2020 Marriage is an important sacrament for us as a couple. We both center our lives around the Lord and he is an essential component to our marriage. Without him we would not be able to learn and grow. With God at our core we are able to love, trust and adore each other. The sacrament of marriage bonds us together forever as we choose to continue to be with each other each and every day. Emily C. and Tyler Evans Wedding Date: January 5, 2019 Church Parish: St. Bernadette, Houma BRENNER PHOTOGRAPHY & FILMS
Daniel and I believe that marriage is a sacred bond between God and us. Our purpose as a couple is to be faithful in an everlasting commitment to grow, love, share our faith, and to live our best lives together. We both believe and practice the teachings of Jesus, which gives us a deeper faith, strength, and the grace to live and love to share with each other, our family and friends. Allyson C. and Daniel Ferg Wedding Date: August 3, 2019 Church parish: Cathedral of St. Francis de Sales, Houma KIMBRALI BOYD PHOTOGRAPHY
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Christian marriages should be grounded in Jesus’ teachings of love
Guest Columnist
Father Wilmer Todd
Maybe the primary root cause for Christian marriages failing today is that couples have chosen the secular ideals of marriage instead of being grounding in biblical teachings on marriage and family life. Only a return to God-centered teachings can remedy our current crisis surrounding marriage and the family.
The most important biblical principle is Christ’s love. When was the last time you told a family member, either in a letter, e-mail, or in person, that you loved him or her? Failure to express our love, verbally or visibly, especially to young people, can have disastrous effects. Young people need to know that they are loved. They need to see it and they need to feel it.
According to a study of more than 500 family counselors, the following are the top traits of successful families: BRENNER PHOTOGRAPHY & FILMS
n Communicating and listening n Affirming and supporting family members n Respecting one another n Developing a sense of trust n Sharing time and responsibility n Knowing right from wrong n Sharing a religious core
n Respecting privacy Good, strong families do not just happen. It takes a great deal of hard work to build, nurture and help our families grow in love, freedom, respect and kindness. In the end, nothing is guaranteed. We cannot control how children are going to turn out. a
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However, that does not mean we should not put our whole heart and soul into making our families the best they can be.
An essential ingredient of any successful family has to be an awareness of what is going on in the family. Awareness means paying attention to our other family members, listening to their stories, taking an interest in what is important to them. If we are always busy with our own activities, we are probably missing much of what is going on with our other family members.
Sometime ago Ann Landers received a letter from a mother asking her at what age a father and son should stop kissing and saying “I love you” to each other. Ann Landers gave the mother a one-word answer: “Never.”
Shortly afterward Ann Landers received another letter from a father. He said her response to the mother’s letter moved him to tears. He explained why: “A few weeks ago I kissed my son for the first time and told him I loved him. Unfortunately, he did not know it because he was dead. He had shot himself.”
The father continued: “The greatest regret of my life is that I kept my son at arms’ length. I believed it was unmanly for males to show affection for one another. I will never recover from my ignorance and stupidity.”
It is hard to believe that Jesus, who cried at the tomb of his friend Lazarus, never embraced his mother and said, “Mom, I love you.” It is hard to believe that Jesus, who told how the father kissed his returning prodigal son,
never hugged Joseph and said, “Dad, I love you.”
Family life is not just the responsibility of the parents. As children grow and become more aware of the needs of their family, they too should learn to take part in helping in whatever small or large ways they are capable. That’s how we learn the meaning of responsibility and respect. Today we have all types of families – dual income, blended, single parent and empty nest families. In the family BRENNER PHOTOGRAPHY & FILMS
of God, there is much diversity and each person in these families are of inestimable worth. It’s important to develop new models and find a new language for caring.
It takes hard work to build, nurture, and help your family to grow. Yet, as a member of a family, it is our calling. God calls us to holiness precisely as a family. It is often in the working out of the various things that happen to us as a family that we find holiness.
Is God the center of your family? BC
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58 • Bayou Catholic • Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux • March 2020 The Sacrament of Marriage The sacrament of marriage is a serious and sacred commitment that calls a couple to each other in the most profound and permanent way. Their mutual love is a reminder of the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. By the grace of their sacrament, they become able to love one another as Christ has loved them. As a married couple, they become a visible sign and reminder of Christ’s sacrificial love for all people.
The Engaged Couple A couple desiring to be married is encouraged to contact their priest/deacon at least six (6) months (or more) prior to the proposed date of their wedding. This interval allows time to prepare well for such a sacred commitment.
The engaged couple must take an active part in all the steps of these guidelines which apply to them. With the assistance of their priest/deacon, they are to: v Identify and cultivate their strengths, v Deal with the areas of difficulty in their relationship, v Participate in assessment and preparation, v Recognize that marriage is essentially characterized by unity, fidelity, permanence and an openness to children, v Attend a formal marriage preparation program, v Participate in premarital evaluation and counseling when recommended. A tentative wedding date may be set at the time of this initial contact with the priest/deacon. When the couple has completed phase two of the marriage preparation process, the tentative wedding date will be confirmed or changed. Responsibilities 1. Priest/Deacon The church has the pastoral obligation to assist those desiring to marry to make a prayerful and mature judgment concerning their marriage. In particular, the priest/deacon, who plans to witness a marriage, is personally responsible for the complete marriage preparation process. He has the serious moral and ministerial responsibility to assist the engaged couple in understanding the meaning of Christian marriage in its human, spiritual, canonical and sacramental aspects, and to provide a liturgical experience that truly celebrates and manifests the momentous step that the couple is taking. 2. Community The faithful in each parish share in the pastoral responsibility to help engaged couples prepare for their life together. Married couples have a particular responsibility to witness the holiness of their sacramental life of intimacy, unity, self-sacrificing love and commitment. They may therefore be invited to participate actively in the marriage preparation of engaged couples in their parish. 3. Parents The church recognizes the unique and vital role of parents in the psychological, social, moral and spiritual development of their children. Renewal in the church has included attempts to make sacramental preparation more family centered. Parents are therefore encouraged to respond to the invitation of the priest/deacon to participate actively in the assessment and preparation of their children for marriage in the church whenever possible.
The Marriage Preparation Process All engaged couples are required to receive sacramental preparation and must meet with their priest/deacon at least six months (or more) prior to the desired wedding date. This marriage preparation process consists of four phases. 1. Phase One: Initial contact with priest/deacon will: v Establish rapport with you in order to support and counsel you at this most important time in your life. v Examine your motives for marriage. v Explore any special circumstances that may affect marriage, e.g., age, cultural background, pregnancy, military service, physical or emotional Marriage Preparation in the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux Approximately 125 engaged couples attend the Marriage Preparation Day annually, says Joe Klapatch, of the Office of Parish Support. Marriage Preparation Day
The Marriage Preparation Day is a diocesan requirement that provides the opportunity for engaged couples to invest some time and effort into their formation as lifelong bride and groom, says Klapatch.
Some of these benefits are: v Faith based preparation about the sacrament of marriage; v Get a better understanding of marriage as a “sacrament.” Why do you want to get married in the church? What do couples consent to through a wedding in the Catholic Church? v Helps them to understand that there is a whole other family unit that wants to help them be successful in their marriage; v Build a strong faith based foundation for their marriage; v A connection back to the church – why it is important to be a part of the church and register in a parish. FOCCUS Couples
Married couples may be invited to participate actively in the marriage preparation of engaged couples in their church parish as FOCCUS couples. FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study) is a premarital instrument designed to help assess a couple’s readiness for marriage; it is a “snapshot” of where the couple is in their relationship at that moment. The diocese uses this instrument to help couples identify issues that need to be discussed, etc. FOCCUS couples are trained by the diocesan FOCCUS trainer of facilitators, and their number varies from parish to parish and priest to priest. Attendance at Marriage Preparation Day
There is currently no set limit Marriage preparation guidelines for the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux a
to the amount of couples per date that are able to attend Marriage Preparation Day which is offered four times throughout the year in the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux
March 2020 • Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux • Bayou Catholic • 59 Marriage Preparation on the Internet
Catholicmarriageprep.com is an online program based in the Diocese of Colorado Springs, CO, that is featured on the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops website as a valid marriage preparation course. This program is approved by the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux for couples with extenuating circumstances. Updating the program
The diocese is constantly looking to update the Marriage Preparation Program and revise its marriage policies in response to changing circumstances in our society, in our economy and in the universal church. The sacrament part doesn’t change, but other factors are constantly changing Pre-Cana
Pre-Cana, the name the diocese used for its marriage preparation program for many years, is still the name many parishes and dioceses give to their marriage preparation program. The term is derived from John 2:1–12, the wedding feast at Cana in Galilee, where Jesus performed the miracle of turning water into wine. Catholic Engaged Encounter This weekend retreat for engaged couples is an in-depth, private, personal, marriage preparation experience within the context of Catholic faith and values. During the weekend retreat there is plenty of alone time for couples to dialogue honestly and intensively about their prospective lives together – their strengths and weaknesses, desires, ambitions, goals, their attitudes about money, sex, children, family, their role in the church and society – in a face to face way. problems, levels of faith and religious issues. v Explain the marriage preparation process. v Obtain personal information, explain what other documentation is needed, and determine whether any dispensations or permissions will be necessary. 2. Phase Two: Assessment process with priest/deacon will: v Administer a Premarital Instrument* to assist in beginning the assessment of your readiness to marry. v Discuss the results of the FOCCUS instrument. v Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of your communication process. v Examine the sacramental aspects of your human covenant. v Assess your readiness for marriage and complete the prenuptial questionnaire. v Begin the liturgical wedding plans and present to you the parish guidelines. Inform you of the cost and suggested offering.
*A premarital instrument is a tool designed to help you assess your readiness for marriage. It is not a pass/fail indicator. Instead it is meant to help you discover more about yourselves and each other in a non-threatening and objective way. Our diocese utilizes the FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication Understanding and Study) instrument to help you identify issues that need to be discussed, reflected on, understood, studied for problem-solving, skill-building and decision-making. Your priest/deacon will give you more information at your initial meeting.
During phase two, the priest/deacon will make the decision to proceed or delay the marriage. If he proceeds, the wedding date will be confirmed and the process continues. If his decision is to delay the marriage, he will follow the procedure found in Delay of Marriage.
3. Phase Three: Formal marriage preparation This instructional phase, formal marriage preparation, presents the essential human and Christian aspects of marriage so that the couple becomes aware of the total dimensions of the marriage covenant. Formal marriage preparation includes reflection on the nature and sacramentality of marriage, married love and family life, couple prayer, marital responsibilities, communication within marriage, personal expectations, natural family planning and other practical considerations. There are two approved options in the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux. If you are unable to attend such a formal marriage preparation program, you must discuss this with your priest/deacon immediately. These are the approved options: v The diocesan Marriage Preparation program This is a one day conference that seeks to prepare engaged couples for the sacrament of marriage and every day after. Paul and Gretchen George, of the Art of Living Ministries, present engaging sessions throughout the day, using humor and parts of their own story. The talks will center around the following themes: Family of origin, marriage expectations, communication, sexuality, finances and spirituality. Through it all, engagement is discerning and preparing for a life-long companionship. When couples begin the hard work now, marriages MICHAEL TORTORICH PHOTOGRAPHY a
v Manage your expectations.
v Never assume, ask.
v Remember to always say “I love you” and “thank you.”
v Continually fall in love with your partner.
v Don’t be so quick to judge.
v Don’t give 50 percent; give 100 percent.
v Don’t bad mouth your partner to other people.
v Don’t expect them to read your mind.
v Make sure your partner is your best friend, no matter what.
v Instead of finding the “perfect” person, find who’s right for you.
v Understand what makes your partner feel loved.
v Treat your partner as if they’re the love of your life.
will start off with a firm foundation, with an understanding of how God intended marriage to be, and how God desires us to live out our marriage vocation. v Engaged Encounter Weekend Retreat in the surrounding dioceses 4. Phase Four: Completion of marriage prep process with priest/deacon will: v Discuss with you what you have learned and experienced at your formal marriage preparation program. v Discuss with you your understanding of sacrament in light of your formal marriage preparation. v Discuss with you your responsibilities as members of God’s people, as spouses and future parents. v Complete all documentary requirements. As appropriate, grant permission for mixed marriage and/or apply for appropriate permissions or dispensations. v Discuss the reception of penance and holy Eucharist as a fitting preparation for the sacrament of matrimony. v Finalize the wedding liturgy and discuss the wedding rehearsal. For more information and future marriage preparation days in the diocese, go to https://www.htdiocese.org/major-life-moments and http://www. engagedencounter.org/ for dates available for weekend retreats. BC
Gratitude Prayer for Married Couples
Dear Lord, Thank you for marriage. I pray right now that I would always have a heart of thankfulness. I realize that thankfulness and gratitude fuel joy in my heart! Help me to be appreciative of my spouse. I pray that there would be encouraging words on my tongue to share with my spouse. I am thankful for my spouse’s love, hard work and encouragement. Holy Spirit, fill my heart with gratitude. May you help me to be thankful every day in Jesus’ name. AMEN!
“Just Wait”: A letter from a newlywed couple
By VALERIE AND ROCCO REPETSKI Dear The Dating, The Engaged, The Married,
Valerie: “Just wait. It’ll get worse when you’re married.” “Just wait until you’ve been married for a year …” “Just wait until the seven-year itch …” “Just wait until you’ve been married as long as we have …” The “just wait until …” scale seems to be sliding further and further away no matter how long you’ve been married. My husband, Rocco, and I have been married for a little over a year and a half and are determined to tell anyone who will listen just how amazing marriage is! Marriage is a gift from God! Rocco: I can’t count how many times I’ve heard “Oh, you’re engaged? Congratulations, but just wait for marriage …” or “Oh, you’re newlyweds? Congratulations, but just wait until after the ‘honeymoon’ phase …” These are messages delivered with a sense of impending doom. At work or elsewhere, these “just waits” are often accompanied by comments about “the old ball and chain,” snide remarks about spouses, and all kinds of dubious marriage advice. Valerie: I guess we are never quite married long enough to be considered to know what married life is like, but we would disagree. At no point do Rocco and I think we know everything about marriage. We are learning more and more about one another and about married life every day. But to those who are engaged, to those who are dating, to those who believe their vocation is to one day get married, to those who have already spoken those vows, take heart: Marriage is an amazing, life changing, ridiculously fun adventure! Rocco: I’m on a mission: God created me to love Val and sacrifice my life for her. He created her to be my perfect match and for those whom God calls to the vocation of marriage, He’s created a perfect match for you as well. Forget anything you’ve heard from people who’ve become disillusioned MICHAEL TORTORICH PHOTOGRAPHY
March 2020 • Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux • Bayou Catholic • 61 and instead “just wait” for the joy, the excitement, the laughter, and the sheer fun of what’s to come! Just wait … until you come home and your husband, who has just come home from work, has the fire going in the fireplace, Christmas lights plugged in and hot chocolate set out for you. Just wait … until you come home to a house full of balloons and a gigantic card on your birthday and you realize how hard your wife worked to see your joy and that she’s been planning this moment for a long time. Just wait … until she hatches a plan to feed the homeless and you remember how much you love her generosity and compassion. Just wait … until you open your lunch bag to read the love note she wrote you that morning. Just wait … until your husband comes home from work and the first thing he does is run, literally run, to find you, lift you up in an embrace, spin you around, and give you a “hello” kiss.
Just wait … until your husband pulls a dozen beautiful red roses from behind his back, in the middle of the week, for no other reason than he loves you and knows you love surprises. Just wait … until when you serve food for the two of you and she insists you have the warmer dinner, the choicest portion of meat, and the bigger cookie, just because she loves to see you smile.
Just wait … until he changes his routine and brings his laptop over to work with you on the couch because he knows you enjoy his presence. Just wait … until you two really realize for the first time that you are not just “her” family, not just “your” family, but your own family. Just wait … until your husband tells you every day that you’re his most beautiful bride and he’s the luckiest guy in the world. Just wait … until she giggles every time you surprise her with kisses on her cheek.
Just wait … until your husband asks to hold a friend’s baby for the first time, and he instantly melts, and you are reminded for the billionth time how good of a dad he will be one day. Just wait … until you see your wife cradling a friend’s infant in her arms, and she instantly knows everything to do to calm him, and you are reminded for the billionth time how good of a mom she will be one day. Just wait … because you have so much joy ahead of you … . About the authors Valerie is a worship leader in the Washington, D.C., area and is the music director for campus ministry at George Washington University. (www.valerierepetski.com) Rocco is an engineer and does youth ministry with Youth Apostles, a community of Catholic men. This article originally appeared on http://valerierepetski. com/blog/ and is used with permission. BC
Common values
62 • Bayou Catholic • Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux • March 2020 By SUSAN VOGT My husband and I have been married 35 years and have led marriage preparation programs for 30 of those years. We estimate that over that time we’ve prepared over 5,000 couples for marriage. I’m not sure if that makes us experts or outdated and, therefore, irrelevant. I can tell you the obvious – that times have changed and we have changed.
Early in my career, when I taught high school or college students about marriage, I’d say that communication was the key in choosing a mate and keeping a marriage healthy. I’ve changed my mind.
Good communication is not enough
Yes, good communication is essential to a thriving marriage, but, it is not sufficient and probably not the most important criteria for choosing a mate. I say this because in my counseling I repeatedly came across couples who had learned the right communication skills and could use them. They knew how to use “I statements,” listen to the whole person, and use active listening. They were often fine, caring men and women, but they had serious difficulty living together happily - not at the beginning, but after several years.
The bottom line often came down to either very different personalities or very different values. The other significant variable was the inability of at least one partner to make a lasting commitment.
Personalities cannot easily be changed, so it’s a red flag when dating couples have very different personalities. Complementary personalities, however, can also be an advantage. For example, she’s a talker, he’s a listener; or he’s a detail person, she sees the big picture. Often people with different personalities can work out accommodations as long as the difference is not too extreme or on too many different fronts. I tell my students that it’s fine to differ on one or two elements of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, but if you differ on three or four and the differences are great, you’ll probably have a lot of stress in your marriage.
Common values, however, can be a deal breaker. If one spouse values a simple lifestyle and the other values accumulating wealth, it doesn’t matter how well they communicate, their basic life orientation will present constant opportunities for conflict. If one spouse values faith and the other resents religion, conflict is inevitable. This doesn’t mean that both spouses have to have the same religion, but both must value a spiritual dimension of life.
Another important common value is one’s attitude towards having children. One partner may really want children and feels marriage would not be complete without a child, while the other is ambivalent or, worse, thinks children would impinge upon their KIMBRALI BOYD PHOTOGRAPHY
lifestyle. Good communication can only clarify this difference, not solve it.
Likewise, if one spouse believes that career is the top priority and the other puts family first, the argument will be eternal - either by outward criticism and fighting or by going underground with general dissatisfaction or depression. Whether one spouse should stay home with young children is a subcategory of this issue.
Different beliefs about respect for human life and other moral values are deeply rooted. Getting new information and talking through differences usually only lead spouses to realize that they have vastly different life goals and values. These will not change without violating one’s integrity and conscience. Yes, communication is vital, and if couples don’t have good communication skills, learning them can be a marriage saver. But if the values are significantly different, it’s unlikely that even the best communication will be enough. a
Is it too late? This is fine, you may say, for engaged couples who have not yet made a marriage commitment, but what about us married couples? Is it too late? Can value differences be fixed or changed? The answer is that prevention is always preferable but seldom is a situation hopeless. A lot depends on the severity of differences and whether there are compromises that both spouses can tolerate.
I would never want a spouse to violate his/her conscience in order to please a mate, but sometimes one spouse may be too scrupulous. Over time they may learn that not everything is black and white. On the other hand, a spouse who rationalizes away ethical decisions, saying they are unimportant, may, with commitment and effort, develop a more sensitive conscience. It’s not easy, though, since these are lifelong behavioral patterns.
Sometimes a couple can agree to disagree on a few values and live their lives in different spheres. For example, one night a week she goes to a prayer group and he plays his favorite sport. He supports her and does not interfere with her Sunday worship, even though he doesn’t find it important for himself. Most serious value differences require counseling. That’s the bottom line.
Try a short exercise to determine how close you and your spouse are on basic marriage values.
Common Values Assessment Circle the values that are most important to you. Consider that some values may initially appeal to you but
upon deeper reflection (the statement that follows each value) you realize that you don’t always hold them as a priority. Then rank them in importance from 1-14. Discuss with your fiancé or spouse. 1. Honesty. Yes, but sometimes it’s OK to fudge. 2. Commitment. Sure, but some commitments are just too hard to keep. 3. Fidelity. I don’t plan on having an affair but who knows the future. 4. Loyalty. It might be necessary to violate a loyalty if another’s safety is at risk. 5. Devotion to parents. Parents are important, but spouse comes first. 6. Generosity. I’ll give, but only after I’ve taken care of myself. 7. Peacemaking. Sometimes evil needs to be confronted, even with violence. 8. Living simply. I work hard for my KIMBRALI BOYD PHOTOGRAPHY
money. Why can’t I enjoy its rewards? 9. Kindness. Some people are too kind and others take advantage of them. 10. Self-control. I believe in being flexible and spontaneous, not being uptight. 11. Education. Education is overrated. I wouldn’t sacrifice current wants for it. 12. Sacrifice. Suffering and delayed gratification have no use and are to be avoided. 13. Friendship. Friends are nice, but family and spouse are more important. 14. Children. I value my freedom more.
About the author Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt. net. BC
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Frequently asked questions by engaged couples Engagement is a time to discern marriage actively
How do I know if I’m ready to marry? n Do most people consider you emotionally mature, able to compromise, communicate well, share your feelings, and handle anger constructively? n Do you love this other person so much that you are willing to put his or her happiness before your own? n Are you marrying out of strength (I know who I am and am happy with myself) rather than weakness (I need someone to fill the gaps in my personality)? n Have you developed strong friendships that have lasted over time? n Are you able to keep commitments and delay gratification? n Do you struggle on a regular basis with harmful habits or addictions, e.g. to alcohol, drugs or pornography? That’s not necessarily a reason not to marry, but it is something that left untreated can seriously weaken your ability to have a healthy marriage. n Is God calling you to marriage? Have you prayed and discerned about this?
How do I know if this is the right person? n Do you share similar basic values about respecting human life, fidelity, commitment, what’s right and wrong, honesty, life goals and lifestyle? n Does your significant other bring out the best in you, and you in him or her? n Are you physically attracted to this person? n Can you imagine growing old together? n Do your trusted family members and friends support your relationship and affirm that it’s healthy and respectful? n Do you experience ongoing conflict or, worse, violence and abuse in your relationship? That is a red flag to slow down and seek advice and help, ensuring your safety if necessary.
n Is God calling you to marriage with this person? Have you prayed and discerned about this?
Is it necessary to feel “chemistry” between us for this to be the right person to marry?
Chemistry, or feeling like you “click” with another person, is a natural part of a deepening relationship, and a wonderful part of falling in love, but unfortunately, chemistry is sometimes confused with infatuation, which can be fleeting.
In the good sense, chemistry means you feel a strong physical and emotional attraction to the other person and want to become closer to him or her. You feel happy in his or her presence and enjoy your time together. This sense of unity and joy at the other’s presence can be a great foundation for a happy marriage. In contrast, infatuation means you
are consumed with thinking of the other person to the point of doing silly or risky actions to be together. You are blind to the faults of the other and consumed with being noticed by him or her. Your need to be liked is so strong that you are willing to give up your own personality or morals for the other’s affection. Often infatuation is an unequal relationship between the object of adulation and the infatuated person. If this describes your relationship, you may want to step back and reevaluate.
Doesn’t living together before marriage prevent me from marrying the wrong person and thus getting divorced later on?
Although it may sound counterintuitive, studies show that cohabiting couples: n Increase their risk of a
breaking up after marriage (46 percent higher divorce rate) n Increase the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children n Have lower levels of happiness and well-being compared to married couples
Why should I attend a marriage preparation program? We’ve known each other for a long time and can’t imagine we’d learn anything new.
You don’t have to discover all the things that make a marriage work by trial and error. Others have done some of that work for you. At a marriage prep program, you get a glimpse into other couples’ marriages so you can have a more realistic sense of what’s normal and what’s not, and you can get solid advice on how to have a happy, holy marriage.
Although every marriage relationship is unique, there are many tips experienced couples can share that will help you when you face bumps in your own marriage. Marriage preparation programs also give you an opportunity to talk with each other about the wide spectrum of “must-have conversations” before marriage. You’ve probably talked about most of them, but you may have avoided a few. This is a time to check yourselves.
Most likely you will find that you gain confidence in your decision to marry as a result of attending a marriage preparation program. Occasionally, attending a marriage preparation program can make you realize that it isn’t the right time to marry, or that MICHAEL TORTORICH PHOTOGRAPHY
this may not be the right person. That’s okay, because engagement is a time to discern marriage actively and intentionally.
How much income should we have between us to marry?
Many couples, especially younger ones, start their married lives together without a large income, and possibly with debt. This can be a challenge, but it shouldn’t necessarily delay marriage. There’s no magic number when it comes to the income and financial assets a couple should have before marrying, and bride and groom promise to be faithful “for richer” or “for poorer.” At the same time, it’s important to realize that financial hardship can cause conflict in a marriage, and to talk with each other about your plan for meeting your basic needs. Don’t be afraid to seek wise counsel if you’re not sure how you’ll make ends meet.
How much does a typical wedding cost?
Many wedding planners will tell you that the average wedding costs between $20,000-$30,000, but it definitely doesn’t have to! Although the ante has been rising as to what is considered “typical” for a wedding, simplicity can be elegant. Consider asking friends and family for help on your big day, having a smaller wedding if cost is a major concern, or researching inexpensive do-it-yourself alternatives. Don’t let the perceived cost of weddings keep you from saying “I do.” And remember, a wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime. BC
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Changing your spouse - and yourself
66 • Bayou Catholic • Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux • March 2020 By LAURI PRZYBYSZ
They say that when a man marries a woman, he thinks, “She’s the one I’ve been waiting for. She’ll never change.” – and she always does. And a woman looks at her man, and thinks, “He just needs a little work; after we’re married, I’ll help him change” – and he never does.
The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our spouses will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; go to church more – or less, talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.
Change sometimes doesn’t happen fast enough to suit us. Your beloved may be oblivious to your dissatisfaction. If he or she doesn’t realize the need to change something, a loving spouse can gently ask for change. Nagging, cajoling, and arguing, however, get us nowhere and can make us even more miserable. Successful couples recognize that the only person you can change is yourself.
Enlist your spouse as your partner in self-change. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your spouses about your plan to change and enlist their support. Energy for marital growth can be ignited in your marriages. Our spouses, no matter what personal faults or issues they may have, will appreciate our efforts (they’ve been hoping we would!).
What if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your spouse? Despite your hopes and personal improvement efforts, he or she is resistant or unable to change. This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of marital change is at your service: Acceptance. When spouses show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes.
Be ready to support any effort your spouse makes toward change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as helpmate is indispensable. You are the one who loves your spouse the most.
About the author Lauri Przybysz is the coordinator of Marriage & Family Enrichment for the Archdiocese of Baltimore. BC BRENNER PHOTOGRAPHY & FILMS
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