3 minute read
Questions of Faith
Comment
Father Wilmer Todd
The tongue can be a deadly weapon that can cause division and strife
Recently a friend of mine pointed out to me that the words I use may sometimes be hurtful to others. Any advice on how to choose my words more carefully?
When someone comes to confession who hasn’t been to the sacrament for a long time, they usually start by saying, “Father, I probably committed a sin against all the commandments, but I didn’t kill anyone.” Well, we can kill others in many ways, especially with our tongues. Roberta Flack’s song that exposed her secret letters, Killing Me Softly with His Song testifies to that reality.
St. James in his letter says, “The tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great exploits. How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! The tongue is a fire. The tongue is placed among our members as a world of iniquity; it stains the whole body, sets on fire the cycle of nature, and is itself set on fire by hell. . . . No one can tame the tongue, a restless evil that is full of deadly poison. With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse those who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing” (James 3:5-10).
In an audience with bishops, Pope Francis said, “The devil destroys with the tongue, with idle chatter that divides, and with the habit of gossiping which is a form of ‘terrorism.’ The gossiper is a ‘terrorist’ who throws a grenade, chatter, to destroy. Please fight against division because it is one of the weapons that the devil uses to destroy the local church and the universal church.”
Author Holley Gerth has shared 20 phrases to use when someone is hurting. Don’t say, “You need to . . . ” Say, “What do you need?” Don’t say, “Here is some advice . . . ” Say, “I hear you.” (Listen to the struggles of the person.) Don’t say, “Just stay strong.” Say, “You don’t have to be strong all the time.” (We shouldn’t be afraid to express and experience our vulnerability.) Don’t say, “Let me tell you about my experience.” Say, “How can I pray for you?” (Let the person claim their need.) Don’t say, “You need to move on.” Say, “Take all the time you need to heal.”
Don’t say, “You poor thing.” Say, “I’m in this with you.” Don’t say, “I know exactly how you feel.” (We never know exactly how another person feels.) Say, “I really want to understand.” Don’t say, “Everything happens for a reason.” Say, “I hate that this happened to you.” Don’t say, “You just need to trust in God’s plan.” (Although God can bring good out of evil, God did not cause the evil or the tragedy.) Say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
Don’t say, “Why aren’t you talking to me?” Say, “We can talk whenever you are ready.” Don’t say, “You just got to have faith.” Say, “God loves you as you are, and where you are.” Don’t say, “Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.” Say, “What you are going through is really difficult.” Don’t say, “I think the answer is . . . ” Say, I don’t have the answers, but I am here.”
Don’t say, “Trust me, it could be a lot worse.” Say, “Thank you for trusting me with this.” Don’t say, “Did I ever tell you about . . . ” Say, I’m glad you told me.” Don’t say, “You’re not stressed, you’re blessed.” Say, “That sounds stressful; how are you doing?” Don’t use empty words to fill the silence. Be comfortable with the silence. It can be healing.
St. Paul reminds us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).
Let us pray for the grace to use our speech for the good of all. “Loving God, may the words of our mouth and the actions of our heart reflect only the grace you have shown to all humanity. Our words have the power to harm and to heal. Whenever we speak, let us reflect the gentleness and charity you showed to all. We make our prayer through Christ, our Lord. Amen.” BC
