Bayou
Catholic
Mar riage HOUMA, LA ~ SEPTEMBER 2013
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Contents Communication
Sacrament
Speak your feelings
Marriage preparation process
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Marriage
Holy union
Role of the church
My spouse is an ox
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‘Tidy Heidi’ vs ‘ loppy am’ 62
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Some of our articles are courtesy of USCCB, www.foryourmarriage.org
Advice from couples
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Marriage
church
The role of the on wedding day and in marriage
Guest Columnist
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Catherine Klingman, L.C.S.W.
In today’s world, there is a great deal of competition in the “wedding business.” There are game shows that compete for the best wedding; travel shows that promote the best places to get married; and shows that exhibit the best gowns a girl could desire. Getting married is a big business in our secular world. It is no surprise that the church’s role often gets pushed to the side or left out completely. How do we get the focus back where it should be? How can couples still have a beautiful wedding, but more importantly a beautiful marriage? It is hard to compete against the glitz and glamour of the wedding business, but it is important that we get the truth out and spread the messages and teachings of our faith. Having the most extravagant wedding might be a beautiful sight to see and a wonderful event to attend, but what happens in the marriage is longer lasting and more important. After the wedding ceremony has ended and the guests have all gone home … is the couple fully prepared for what is to come? As Catholics we believe marriage takes three: husband, wife and our Lord Jesus Christ, to be fully successful and enriching. Marriage is a sacramental union, but many couples today do not understand what that means. Our secular world does not advertise or promote “sacrament.” Therefore; it is important to help the engaged and newly married couples around us. Because we know marriage is not an easy vocation to live. Sacrament is not just a title given to this celebration. It emphasizes our Lord’s role in our vocation of marriage. Two
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people with all of their differences, personalities, and faults fall in love with the dreams of always feeling that same “love” throughout the years, but we know people will change. As we change and grow, it is important that we change and grow together as a couple and not separate. Through the sacrament of matrimony, our Lord Jesus Christ gives us the grace to continue to help one another; love one another; and nurture one another. It enables husbands and wives to adjust to one another and bear one another’s burdens and always work toward reconciliation and strength. The marriage will change over the years. It is supposed to change, but will the couple change with each other or against each other? That is an important question for couples to consider. Getting married in the Catholic Church gives you so many wonderful blessings. “It is God
Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • September 2013
being the glue that makes marriage a holy and unique bond unlike any kind of secular celebration. The church is our spiritual home, the place where we celebrate sacrament. It is God’s house where couples will be surrounded in the context of prayer and worship by other believers who will be there to support couples and witness their love. Why wouldn’t couples want to be in the place where they celebrated baptism, communion and reconciliation?” (from When Two Become One: An Introduction to Sacramental Marriage, a DVD featuring Msgr. Jim Lisante, pastor of Our Lady of Lourdes Church parish in Massapequa Park, NY). “We come to love, not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly” (Sam Keen). (Catherine Klingman, L.C.S.W., is the diocesan director of the Office of Family Ministries.)
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Guest Columnist
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Nancy Diedrich, L.P.C., L.M.F.T.
At a time in our society when we are communicating more rapidly than ever, and more electronically than ever – via texts, tweets and emails, Facebook messages and posts, and other social media – it seems there is hardly anyone among us who couldn’t use some tips for using more heartfelt communication for our “in-person interactions” with the people we care about most. There is really no greater gift of love, and no greater expression of caring that we can offer the special people in our lives than undivided time and attention,
and heartfelt communication. Being open and honest with what we say, and sincerely attentive when we listen are components for very effective communication … AND … communicating without electronics makes interaction much more personal and special. Save your texts and tweets for regular and commonplace messages between you and friends, family and coworkers. When you have “something special” to say to “someone special,” please say it, don’t type it. Electronic messaging takes the person and emotion out of the message. When you receive a message that you have to read, you can’t hear the tone of voice; you can’t see the facial expression; you can’t look into the eyes of the person with whom you are communicating. You’ve heard the expression, “It’s not just what you say, but how you say it.” When using electronic communication, “what you say” is all there is! When we really care about someone, we should offer them
Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • September 2013
the best, and the most that we can through our communication. The written word can often be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Our messages to our loved ones are too important to risk misunderstanding. Your “someone special” deserves special communication … the “face to face,” “heart to heart” kind! Here are some ideas to get you started: n Tell them how important they are, often. Regardless of how sure you are of someone’s love, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. The person you care the most about must feel like they are always your “first” priority. Communicating this often to them reinforces and reassures your love for them. Loving someone and having them love you back is the most precious phenomenon in the world, and it should be expressed as such. When you truly love someone, be loving in words and deeds every single day. Hearts are often confused
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and broken by thoughtful words left unspoken and loving deeds left undone. There might not be a tomorrow. Today is the day to express your love and admiration. n Communicate your feelings freely and openly. Express how you truly feel. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Give the important people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable. Relationships flourish when both people are able to share their innermost feelings and thoughts about themselves and each other. To be fully seen by someone, and be adored in any form, is what love is. n Speak honestly. Living through a facade puts an incredible burden on your emotional well-being. Speaking the truth, even when it hurts, frees your conscience and gives you honest ability to connect with the people you care about. Remember, “Living the truth today, takes care of tomorrow.” n Show your interest by asking questions, and listening
attentively to the answers. Too often we underestimate the power of a thoughtful question and a listening ear that’s fully present and focused. Oftentimes a reply isn’t even necessary. Listening is a sincere attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to show compassion for another that both attracts and heals, perhaps without ever saying
) ) Let your actions speak
a word. n Let your actions speak. Actions often speak much louder than words. When you love someone you have to act accordingly. They will be able to tell how you feel about them simply by the way you treat them over the long-term. You can say sorry a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much
as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, they aren’t. If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere. n Communicate with touch. Touch is the most sensitive type of communication … it is personal … it has a lasting memory. Sometimes reaching out and taking someone’s hand, or giving them a long hug speaks louder than all the words in the world. Physical touch can make or break a relationship and can communicate respect or ridicule. Some of us require touch more than others, but some physical interaction – be it a hug, a handshake, or a pat on the back – is important in your closest relationships. Whether it is through your touch, your facial expression, your tone of voice or the message in your eyes, your communication is always better, more personal and more meaningful when it is face to face. (Nancy Diedrich, L.P.C., L.M.F.T., a national board certified counselor, is a marriage and family counselor for the diocesan Office of Family Ministries.) 51
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Marriage
My spouse is an
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used for joined together literally means yoked together. The term was used to describe two oxen or other beasts of burden hooked together to perform some labor. Jesus uses it to refer to the bond between a married couple. This image can give us a better understanding of the purpose and indissolubility of
Guest Columnist Very Rev. Joshua Rodrigue, S.T.L.
The two are bound in such a way that both work together to pull a burden. The animals walk equally side by side; one cannot pass the other up or pull less of the weight. If one tires the other has to slow down or stop. While walking, if one trips and falls, the other will also be pulled to the ground; however,
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How often do we hear couples having playful or loving nicknames for each other, especially at the beginning of their relationship or marriage? Those names often reference the uniqueness of that couple’s love for each other. Perhaps the best image to have for a better understanding of the sacrament of marriage is to look upon your spouse as an ox. Some of you reading this may wholeheartedly agree with calling your spouse an ox, but I’m not referring to those reasons. The Lord perhaps can give reason why your spouse is an ox. Jesus, quoting from Genesis in referencing the bond between husband and wife, says, “‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, no human being must separate” (Mark 10:7-9). In this memorable statement, Christ appeals to the divine institution of marriage (Genesis 2:24) to point out that marriage is the strongest human bond that transforms two people into “one flesh.” Moreover, Jesus affirms that God himself is the one who actually joins a couple in marriage. The Greek word synezeuxen
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the sacramental bond. A yoke is made of wood and has to be fashioned by a carpenter to fit a specific animal. It is not a modern day one-size-fits-all. The yoke is carved for that animal only to prevent the yoke from causing chaffing and harming the animal.
Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • September 2013
the stronger of the two can use the yoke as leverage and pull the other up from the ground in order to continue the journey. Out of all the possible people a person could marry, Jesus calls a specific man and woman together for the yoke of marriage in
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order to pull together the burden of life. Jesus says in Matthew’s Gospel (11:29a-30), “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me… For my yoke is easy (fits perfectly) and my burden light.” Each marriage is fitted for a specific couple. How often do we hear someone say, “I could never be married to that woman,” or “I don’t know what she sees in that man?” In society today, we can forget the reason for the sacrament of marriage. Often people will think that the purpose is companionship, so that I am not alone in the world. However, the true purpose of marriage is to grow daily in holiness. The goal of married life is to help the spouses in their lives on this earth to be united in the end with Christ in heaven. Each challenges the other throughout the marriage to become the persons the Lord is desiring them to be. While we may be perplexed by an odd pairing, Christ is the one who ultimately knows which person can challenge the other perfectly. Married life is never always easy. The difficulties arising necessitate both husband and wife working together equally. The physical and
spiritual life can be tiring, but each has to wait for the other. If one spouse leaves the other behind, inevitably there will be a fracture in the bond. Selfishness cracks the yoke. What was I, me, and mine had become through marriage we, us, and ours. When spouses forget that the two are yoked as one flesh, they fail to realize that what benefits one will benefit the other and what will harm one will harm the other in return. If one spouse falls in marriage through some temptation or sin, the sacramental bond can be used to raise the fallen couple. Without that yoke, the fall can be fatal to a marriage. There is no ability to pull the other up. And so, a couple, guided by the reins of Christ, walks together throughout life toiling as one. By Christ’s marriage to the church through his death upon the cross, the natural bond of the matrimonial covenant of old has been transformed. Paragraph 1601 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church, quoting the Code of Canon Law states, “The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between
themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.” In Christ’s eternal yoking with his bride the church, husbands and wives have been given a model of sacrificial love for one another. The rings on their fingers are the external sign of being yoked together through their internal giving and receiving of the sacred vows. The grace of the sacrament will help them live out this sacrificial love and fulfill their vows in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, as long as they shall live. A sacramental marriage gives a supernatural assistance to a natural bond between man and woman. One could perhaps say that the reason for the success of a sacramental marriage is due to the fact that both spouses are oxen. (Very Rev. Joshua Rodrigue, S.T.L., is the rector of the Cathedral 53 of St. Francis de Sales in Houma.)
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Marriage
Advice from couples
Knowing what you know now ... if you could give advice to your younger selves, what advice would that be? Pick your battles, everything boils down to communication, communication, communication! Talk through your disagreements rather than letting them blow up into major arguments. Money isn’t everything. Enjoy being creative with the resources you have. Pray 54 for each other and your marriage, and remember that it is your job to help get your spouse get to heaven. What advice would you give the newly married or engaged couples to help them keep the passion alive in their marriage? Make time for yourselves as a couple even if you have children, because someday, those children will grow up and move away and if you haven’t spent time nurturing your relationship with one another, you will find yourself looking at a stranger. This can be accomplished by even just taking a few minutes to walk outside and talk together or sitting together to watch television. Follow the golden rule: treat them the way you would want them to treat you (even during the rough times). Always remember that your spouse is your best friend and they should be treated that way. Lynn and Michele Foret Married 20 years (working marriage prep for 19) Maria Immacolata Church parish, Houma
Knowing what you know now ... if you could give advice to your younger selves, what advice would that be? Pick your battles; keep it simple; respect one another; always communicate and keep God in your relationship. You both have different personalities; don’t forget to speak the other’s love language. You will have a great life together! In living the sacrament, what graces have you received? With God’s graces we are able to help and console each other through the difficult times. We have learned to recognize when one is hurting and overcome it together. We have received so many blessings in our relationship and know we are not perfect but through his graces we will continue to grow closer together. Joel and Michelle Ohmer Married 14 years St. Gregory Church parish, Houma
Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • September 2013
In living the sacrament, what graces have you received? Through prayer, understanding, patience and kindness we have learned how to cope with the hardships in marriage and cherish the joys. He has given us the graces to continue to love each other, support each other and grow with each other in good times and bad. What advice would you give the newly married or engaged couples to help them keep the passion alive in their marriage? Your spouse should be your best friend! Checking in with each other, sending love notes to each other, and sharing good (or bad) news should always be with your spouse above all else! Setting aside special time with your spouse is very important! Don’t let the mundane every day routine of work and household tasks get in the way of spending quality time together. Paul and Cathy Klingman Married 19 years St. Francis de Sales Cathedral Parish, Houma
What advice would you give the newly married or engaged couples to help them keep the passion alive in their marriage? Always remember to never bring your disagreements into public, even if with close friends. How you treat each other in public is only enhanced when behind closed doors. Lonnie and Shawn Lapeyrouse, Married 14 years Cathedral of St. Francis de Sales Church parish, Houma
What advice would you give the newly married or engaged couples to help them keep the passion alive in their marriage? Communication and trust are important for a long lasting relationship, but most of all remember to always keep Christ in your marriage. It will help you to cope with life’s daily struggles. It will also bring you closer to one another and strengthen your family. A family that prays together is more likely to stay together. Dale and Annette Terrebonne Married 42 years Our Lady of Prompt Succor Church parish, Golden Meadow
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Marriage
Marriage
as a sacrament
Marriage as a sacrament is a serious and sacred commitment that calls a couple to each other in the most profound and permanent way. Their mutual love is a reminder of the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. By the grace of their sacrament, they become able to love one another as Christ has loved them. As a married couple, they become a visible sign and reminder of Christ’s sacrificial love for all people.
The Engaged Couple
A couple desiring to be married is encouraged to contact their priest/deacon at least six (6) months (or more) prior to the proposed date of their wedding. This interval allows time to prepare well for such a sacred commitment. The engaged couple must take an active part in all the steps of these guidelines which apply to them. With the assistance of their priest/deacon, they are to: n Identify and cultivate their strengths, 56 n Deal with the areas of difficulty in their relationship, n Participate in assessment and preparation, n Recognize that marriage is essentially characterized by unity, fidelity, permanence and an openness to children, n Attend a formal marriage preparation program, n Participate in premarital evaluation and counseling when recommended. A tentative wedding date may be set at the time of this initial contact with the priest/deacon. When the couple has completed phase two of the marriage preparation process, the tentative wedding date will be confirmed or changed.
Responsibilities
1. Priest/Deacon The church has the pastoral obligation to assist those desiring to marry to make a prayerful and mature judgment concerning their marriage. In particular, the priest/deacon, who plans to witness a marriage, is personally responsible for the complete marriage preparation process. He has the serious moral and ministerial responsibility to assist the engaged couple in understanding the meaning of Christian marriage in its human, spiritual, canonical and sacramental aspects, and to provide a liturgical experience that truly celebrates and manifests the momentous step that the couple is taking. 2. Community The faithful in each parish share in the pastoral responsibility to help engaged couples prepare for their life together. Married couples have a particular responsibility to witness the holiness of
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Marriage their sacramental life of intimacy, unity, self-sacrificing love and commitment. They may therefore be invited to participate actively in the marriage preparation of engaged couples in their parish. 3. Parents The church recognizes the unique and vital role of parents in the psychological, social, moral and spiritual development of their children. Renewal in the church has included attempts to make sacramental preparation more family centered. Parents are therefore encouraged to respond to the invitation of the priest/ deacon to participate actively in the assessment and preparation of their children for marriage in the church whenever possible.
The Marriage Preparation Process
All engaged couples are required to receive sacramental preparation
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Marriage as a sacrament and must meet with their priest/ deacon at least six months (or more) prior to the desired wedding date. This marriage preparation process consists of four phases. 1. Phase One: Initial contact with priest/deacon will: n Establish rapport with you in order to support and counsel you at this most important time in your life. n Examine your motives for marriage. n Explore any special circumstances that may affect marriage, e.g., age, cultural background, pregnancy, military service, physical or emotional problems, levels of faith and religious issues. n Explain the marriage preparation process. n Obtain personal information,
explain what other documentation is needed, and determine whether any dispensations or permissions will be necessary. 2. Phase Two: Assessment process with priest/deacon will: n Administer a Premarital Instrument* to assist in beginning the assessment of your readiness to marry. n Discuss the results of the FOCCUS instrument. n Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of your communication process. n Examine the sacramental aspects of your human covenant. n Assess your readiness for marriage and complete the prenuptial questionnaire. n Begin the liturgical wedding plans and present to you the parish guidelines. Inform you of the cost and suggested offering. *A premarital instrument is a tool designed to help you assess your readiness for marriage. It is not a pass/fail indicator. Instead it is meant to help you discover more about yourselves and each other in a non-threatening and objective way. Our diocese utilizes the FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication Understanding and Study) instrument to help you identify issues that need to be discussed, reflected on, understood, studied for problem-solving, skillbuilding and decision-making. Your priest/deacon will give you more information at your initial meeting. During phase two, the priest/ deacon will make the decision to proceed or delay the marriage. If he proceeds, the wedding date will be confirmed and the process continues. If his decision is to delay the marriage, he will follow the procedure found in Delay of Marriage. 3. Phase Three: Formal marriage preparation This instructional phase, formal marriage preparation, presents the essential human and Christian aspects of marriage so that the couple becomes aware of the total dimensions of the marriage covenant. Formal marriage preparation includes reflection on the nature and sacramentality of marriage, married love and family life, couple prayer, marital
Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • September 2013
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Marriage
Sacrament responsibilities, communication within marriage, personal expectations, natural family planning and other practical considerations. There are two approved options in the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux. If you are unable to attend such a formal marriage preparation program, you must discuss this with your priest/deacon immediately. These are the approved options: n Diocesan Marriage Preparation program n Engaged Encounter Weekend Retreat in the surrounding dioceses
Schedule of the Day for Marriage Preparation in the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux
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n Location: 2779 Hwy 311 Schriever, LA 70395 - Pastoral Center Conference Hall
n Arrival Time: 8:45 a.m. (The day begins promptly at 9 a.m.) n Dismissal Time: 3:15 p.m. n Registration Fee: $100 (check or money order) If you are engaged and would like to begin your marriage preparation, you will need to meet with your parish priest or deacon at least six months before your desired wedding date. The priest/ deacon will give you a marriage preparation booklet which will include all of this marriage prep information and a registration form to attend the diocese’s marriage prep, “Day for the Engaged.” Complete the registration form, detach it and mail the form with your registration fee at least three months before the date you would like to attend. Your fee can be
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Marriage
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‘Tidy Heidi’ vs ‘ loppy am’ By MARY JO PEDERSEN The Situation It’s not just the ‘uns’ that irritated Heidi: the unmade bed, the un-emptied dishwasher, the un-folded laundry. It was the fact that Sam had been home all day and was asleep when she returned from her extra weekend shift at the hospital. She was tired and resentful and felt that he hadn’t done his share of keeping up the apartment, but always had time to watch his favorite sit-coms and sporting events. Sam was angry because he thought he was doing very well and that Heidi didn’t appreciate his efforts. He was doing more picking up and cleaning than he had ever done as a bachelor. He never left dirty dishes in the sink or clothes on the floor. He took his turn at vacuuming and cooking meals and he thought Heidi was being a neat freak about the whole thing. Hoping to buy a home soon, Sam and Heidi were both working overtime in order to pay down their school debts. As a result, they had very little free time together or money for recreation. They had agreed to share household tasks as well as cooking and shopping. But it wasn’t working out so well. Sam referred to his wife as “tidy Heidi” and she in turn called him “sloppy Sam.” Their conversations about a more equitable division of household chores ended in Sam’s increasing 62 anger about Heidi’s not valuing his efforts and Heidi’s growing resentment that Sam didn’t take this seriously. They want to address this problem, but don’t know where to start. A Response In studies that measure marital satisfaction, the topic of sharing household duties is one of the primary sources of dissatisfaction for couples, especially in the early years of marriage and when both spouses work outside the home. Like other responsibilities that are shared in married life, homemaking is an important part of building a life-giving partnership, one that respects the dignity, the needs and the abilities of both spouses. Sam and Heidi are wise to see the need for addressing this source of irritation in their relationship. When disagreements are swept under the rug they often grow in size and significance and become entangled with other issues, eventually becoming much larger problems than they started out to be. Some things Sam and Heidi can consider in finding an agreeable solution to this problem are the following: n How neat is neat? Sam and Heidi may have agreed on dividing up the labor, but not on what “neat” or “clean” means to each of them. Making a list of what needs to be done daily or weekly may help them to agree about what is absolutely necessary and what can be left undone till there is more time. In any partnership, there is always some giving in. Heidi may have to lower her standards about some things and Sam may have to raise his a bit. n Is there a problem under the problem? Sam and Heidi are overworked and have little time or money to enjoy themselves. The stress of too much time at work may be part of the cause for their resentment and anger Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • September 2013
over household tasks. Consulting a financial advisor about paying down their debt at a slightly slower pace may reduce the stress and make housekeeping less aggravating for both of them. If they buy a house one year later but have a happier, more satisfying marriage, they’ve made a good investment. n Sharing household responsibilities is a common source of irritation for couples. Talking with friends about how they have worked out their division of tasks may give Sam and Heidi some new ideas for addressing their own situation. They may discover that, like other couples, setting aside an evening or weekend time for working together on the apartment would be a more enjoyable way to get the tasks done. n There is no one perfect solution to the problem of household duties, or any other marriage conflict. Sam and Heidi can agree to try a variety of cleaning schedules, convenience products that lesson the burden of a task, or methods of doing things. After six months, they can re-evaluate and try something else. A marriage relationship is organic; spouses are always growing and changing as is the environment around them. Part of being faithful in marriage is being willing to try new ways of doing things when one way doesn’t work. As someone once said, marriage isn’t a hundred yard dash, it’s a marathon!
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