THE HUFFINGTON POST MAGAZINE
DECEMBER 8, 2013
BLACKLISTED
A Luxury Department Store Earns a Reputation for Racism By Kim Bhasin and Julee Wilson
MOURNING MANDELA | THE SECOND CHILD CONUNDRUM | OFF-DUTY BALLERINAS
ON THE COVER: JAMES WOODSON/GETTY IMAGES; GETTY IMAGES/BLEND IMAGES; DANIEL ACKER/BLOOMBERG NEWS/GETTY IMAGES; JIN LEE/BLOOMBERG VIA GETTY IMAGES; GETTY IMAGES/BLEND IMAGES; SHUTTERSTOCK/WXIN; THIS PAGE FROM TOP: AP PHOTO/CRAIG RUTTLE; COURTESY OF AMY WRUBLE
12.08.13 #78 CONTENTS
Enter POINTERS: Mourning Mandela... Detroit Goes Kaput JASON LINKINS: Looking Forward in Angst DATA: Where in the World You’re Most Likely to Hate Your Job Q&A: ‘Pam Ann’ HEADLINES MOVING IMAGE
Voices LINDA TIRADO: This Is Why Poor People’s Bad Decisions Make Sense
RETAIL RACISM Barneys insiders recount instances of profiling at the high-end store. BY KIM BHASIN AND JULEE WILSON
SAM RESSLER: The Worst App for Women, by Women QUOTED
Exit STYLE: NYC’s Ballet Dancers Share Their Fashion Secrets THE THIRD METRIC: How Your Smartphone Is Harming Your Health TASTE TEST: America’s Favorite Vodka MUSIC: Dog Ears TFU
(SECOND) CHILDLESS The strange condition afflicting more than 3 million moms in America. BY CATHERINE PEARSON
FROM THE EDITOR: Black and White ON THE COVER: Photo Illustration
for Huffington by Troy Dunham
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
ART STREIBER
Black and White I
N THIS WEEK’S issue, Kim Bhasin and Julee Wilson go behind the scenes at Barneys, speaking to insiders who describe a deep-seated culture of racism at the luxury department store chain. Two highly-publicized cases of alleged racial discrimination in recent months have put an unsavory spotlight on Barneys — but as Kim and Julee find, it’s a problem that’s goes deeper, and has been around for some time. “It’s elitism — racial profiling is
just one expression of that elitism,” said former Wall Street Journal reporter Johnnie Roberts, who said he was falsely accused of stealing a tie at Barneys 23 years ago. Current and former Barneys salespeople spoke candidly about a culture of racial profiling at the store. One former employee relayed conversations she overheard between Barneys workers: “‘Their card is probably not going to go through,’ they’d say. ‘I don’t know why they come in here and want to try stuff on that they know they’re not going to buy.’” A veteran employee at the Madison Avenue
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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
store said, “If you’re black and come in with an entourage, you won’t be followed because they’ll be like ‘Oh, that’s somebody famous.’ But if you come in by yourself or with one other person, then you’re going to be followed.” And as security expert J.R. Roberts told Kim and Julee, this type of profiling is not only racist, it’s also inefficient, since actual shoplifters can slip under the radar when stores focus on skin color rather than behavior. Elsewhere in the issue, Catherine Pearson sheds light on a rarely discussed issue among women: secondary infertility. According to estimates by the National Center for Health Statistics, more than 3 million women in America who have one child have trouble getting pregnant a second time. With no clear explanation for the problem, many women are left feeling stuck. “They are not ‘infertile’ in the way that people struggling to have a first baby are, and yet there is some thing — often unknown — preventing them from becoming parents again,” Catherine writes. Catherine also looks at an
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emotional side effect of parents struggling with secondary infertility: feelings of guilt for wanting a second child when they already have one. Therapists who treat
It’s elitism — racial profiling is just one expression of that elitism.” patients dealing with secondary infertility say outsiders can see it as a “selfish obsession.” Finally, as part of our continuing focus on The Third Metric, we enumerate the surprising ways your smartphone may be harming your health.
ARIANNA
BEHIND THE SCENES Tap here for a timelapse video showing how the cover of last week’s issue unfolded.
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MOURNING MANDELA
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Former South African president and civil rights leader Nelson Mandela died on Thursday at 95. “Our nation has lost its greatest son,” South African President Jacob Zuma said in a televised address. Mandela served 27 years in prison for anti-apartheid activities and led his continent into a new era. He was sentenced to life in prison for plotting to overthrow the government in 1964, and served his term until 1990. That time in prison were transformative — Mandela went on to become the nation’s first black president in 1994, and his government focused on dismantling apartheid. The civil rights leader was known for his sense of humor, charisma and a lack of bitterness over his harsh treatment. His health began to deteriorate in recent months as he battled a number of issues, including a recurring long infection. Mandela retreated to his childhood home in the nation’s Eastern Cape Province, and he was later moved to his home in Johannesburg, where he died. President Barack Obama on Thursday hailed Mandela as “a man who took history in his hands and bent the arc of the moral universe toward justice.”
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BROKE CITY
A U.S. bankruptcy judge ruled Tuesday that Detroit is officially entitled to Chapter 9 bankruptcy protection. Worker pensions could be on the chopping block as the city aims to solve its estimated $18 billion in debt and liabilities, and the ruling will be appealed. Detroit “could have and should have filed for bankruptcy long before it did, perhaps even years before,” the judge said.
‘THIEVES OUT’ Hundreds of thousands took to the streets in Ukraine this week in the wake of the government’s refusal to sign a trade agreement with the European Union. The protesters demonstrated against their leaders’ alignment with Russia, and members of the opposition introduced a no-confidence vote in Parliament Tuesday to force out top officials. However, Ukraine’s political leaders show no sign of yielding, despite public anger. The protests are the largest since the country’s 2004 Orange Revolution. The New York Times reported that demonstrators in Kiev on Sunday shouted slogans like “Thieves out!” and “Revolution! Revolution!”
FAST AND FURIOUS STAR DIES
Actor Paul Walker, who played Brian O’Conner in The Fast and the Furious film franchise, died Tuesday in a car crash. He was 40. The actor was reportedly riding in a Porsche Carrera GT, a car that’s notoriously difficult to handle. The Los Angeles County sheriff’s office said speed was a factor in the crash. Earlier that day, Walker had attended an event for his charity, Reach Out Worldwide.
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FATAL FATIGUE
A Metro North train derailed on Sunday in New York, killing four people and injuring more than 70. On Monday, federal investigators revealed the train was traveling 82 miles per hour through a dangerous turn in the track, more than three times the speed allowed in the area. The engineer operating the train, William Rockefeller, “was nodding off and caught himself too late,” a union representative who met with him told CNN.
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CRIMSON TIDE TURNED
THAT’S VIRAL THAT THANKSGIVING TWITTER-STORM? TWAS A HOAX.
Auburn and Missouri will face off in the Southeastern Conference Championship game on Saturday, after Auburn beat rival Alabama in the Iron Bowl last week. The game ended with an incredible 109-yard return of a missed field goal by the Crimson Tide. Missouri, which joined the heralded SEC last season, would cement itself among the nation’s elite teams with a win on Saturday. Auburn’s victory last week effectively ended Alabama’s path to the BCS Championship in January — likely ending the seven-year winning streak for SEC teams in the national championship game.
A selection of the week’s most talked-about stories. HEADLINES TO VIEW FULL STORIES
10 THINGS YOU NEVER NOTICED ABOUT THE WIZARD OF OZ
THE RIGHT WAY TO FIGHT RACISM
HAWAII WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WE NEEDED ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE POPE FRANCIS
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JASON LINKINS
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MANDEL NGAN/AFP/GETTY IMAGES
APPARENTLY IT’S WEIRD THAT THE WHITE HOUSE ASKS LOCAL MEDIA TO INFORM LOCAL PEOPLE ABOUT OBAMACARE
Barack Obama speaks about the Affordable Care Act at Prince Georges Community College in Largo, Md., in September.
Enter CCORDING TO Politico, strange things are afoot in the world of Obamacare and the media, as the White House makes its case for the law:
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President Barack Obama has bungled HealthCare.gov so badly that he’s told senior aides to not even try to win positive coverage from the national press. Instead, they’re going local. In the past month, Obama and his Cabinet have hit nine of the top 10 cities with the highest concentration of the uninsured, while senior administration officials have held almost daily reporter conference calls in nearly a dozen states to challenge Republican governors who refuse to expand Medicaid. OH NOES, what’s going on here? Obama is bypassing the national press and instead targeting the local media? Surely, that’s bizarre, right? Well, actually, it’s not really a new thing to see the Obama White House take its message to the hinterlands. During the 2012 campaign, talking to the local me-
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dia (which we’re using here as a catch-all term for “media outside the Beltway”) was a central part of Obama’s strategy. As HuffPost’s Michael Calderone reported, by the beginning of August 2012, Obama had “done 58 local media interviews,” compared with “eight na-
‘He’s talking to us all the time,’ is a real complaint made by a real national political reporter in Obama’s sixth week in office! It’s hard to not take a hint.” tional media interviews.” At the time of Calderone’s report, Obama hadn’t appeared on a Sunday morning political chat salon since 2009. (Which is okay, because those shows are terrible.) The national political media tends to grouse about Obama’s strategy of avoidance, and when an Ohio radio station spends eight minutes lobbing softballs about sports at the president, you can sort of see that point of view. Of course, the national media lose some credibility when the president has a press conference and the reporters there act like having to do their
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Enter actual job is a terrible chore. And if he gives too much attention to the national political press, they start to write pieces about how he’s risking “overexposure.” “He’s talking to us all the time,” is a real complaint made by a real national political reporter in Obama’s sixth week in office! It’s hard to not take a hint. Politico takes this “going to the local media” phenomenon and casts a lot of weird aspersions on it (It’s “unusually aggressive!” It’s “desperate!”) before noting something very obvious: It’s the “local press” where “far more people who Obama wants to target get their news.” Naturally, the political goal here is to challenge the governors of states that have neither opened up Medicaid expansion nor created a state insurance exchange. In that case, the aggression is noteworthy in a way not suggested in the Politico piece: At a time when the White House’s signature piece of legislation is enduring such storm and stress, the Obama administration isn’t running away from it. This is in keeping with what I’ve been saying about “the Obamacare bet.” At this point, if you’ve supported the bill or fought for its repeal, you’ve gone “all in.” (Though Rep. Jack
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Chuck Todd, speaking on behalf of the national media, basically implied that providing nuts and bolts information to the public about Obamacare wasn’t their job.” Kingston (R-Ga.) seems to want backsies on that all of the sudden.) So if your electoral fortunes are tied to Obamacare’s success, heck, you might as well fight for it. But let’s think about something else, here. The White House is targeting “the top 10 cities with the highest concentration of the uninsured?” Well, another reason you might want to do that is because you can actually inform people who are uninsured about what they can do to avail themselves of health care using the Affordable Care Act, through reporters who still feel a sense of responsibility to their neighbors. (And local re-
NBC News Political Director Chuck Todd on Meet the Press in Washington, D.C., in August.
JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/GETTY IMAGES
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porters can be just as unsparing in their criticism, because of that same sense of responsibility.) I mean, if one of your key issues is helping uninsured people get insurance, who are you going to turn to, other than the local media? Let’s recall that NBC White House correspondent Chuck Todd, speaking on behalf of the national media, basically implied that providing nuts and bolts information to the public about Obamacare wasn’t their job. Heck, on another occasion, Todd implied that Obama was going to have to personally expend “political capital” to properly correct the public’s misconceptions on the debt ceiling — presumably because all of the teevee cameras and broadcast technology at NBC’s disposal had
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If one of your key issues is helping uninsured people get insurance, who are you going to turn to, other than the local media?” more important things to do. So, yeah, I think that when you want to help 10 cities full of uninsured people, and most of the reporters within a 10-block radius of the White House are saying, “Hey, man, we don’t really want to get involved in that whole ‘helping people’ thing,” your best bet is to find some reporters who tell you, “Oh yeah, we are still basically concerned about providing good consumer information to the people who live in our communities.” Just a crazy idea I had, anyway.
Obama speaks about the importance of affordable healthcare at Faneuil Hall in Boston, Mass., in October.
Q&A
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LISA HANCOCK/GETTY IMAGES
Caroline Reid on How She Got in the Business of Airline Comedy “Through desperation of living in Australia. When you live on an island... you have to come up with something.”
Comedian Caroline Reid — whose alter ego is a flight attendant named Pam Ann — attends the “That Ain’t No Lady” cabaret show in 2011 in New York City.
FOR THE FULL INTERVIEW, VISIT HUFFPOST LIVE
DATA
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Where Workers Are Most Miserable Only about 13 percent of employees worldwide are engaged at work — emotionally invested in created value for their companies — which makes the U.S. look pretty good with 30 percent engagement. Actively
disengaged workers around the world outnumber their engaged colleagues 2:1, and the ratio is steeper in areas with high unemployment and other political and socioeconomic disruptors. — Katy Hall
No Data
15% - 23% 24% - 32% 33% - 41%
30%
HOW THE U.S. STACKS UP
13%
42% - 54%
THE UNEMPLOYMENT EFFECT
NOT ENGAGED
ACTIVELY DISENGAGED
Hiring new people and expanding the size of its workforce
12% 17% 29%
18%
41% 44% 42%
Letting people go and reducing the size of its workforce 24%
47% 39% 29%
Not changing the size of its workforce
52%
Companies in the U.S. and Canada that are letting people go are more likely then expanding companies to have actively disengaged workers.
ENGAGED
63%
SOURCE: GALLUP. SPIDERSTOCK/GETTY IMAGES (CABINET)
UNITED STATES
WORLD
2% - 14%
AP PHOTO/JAE C. HONGN (HOLIDAY SPIRIT: SHOOTINGS, STABBINGS, BRAWLS); AP PHOTO/ EVAN VUCCI (OBAMACARE SIGNUPS SURGE); AP PHOTO/FRANKLIN REYES (PREZ: WEED IS THE WAY); CEM OZDEL/ANADOLU AGENCY/GETTY IMAGES N(TRAIN WENT 82 IN 30MPH ZONE)
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HEADLINES
11.30.13 12.04.13
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The Week That Was TAP IMAGE TO ENLARGE, TAP EACH DATE FOR FULL ARTICLE ON THE HUFFINGTON POST
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Nagaland, India 12.02.2013
AP PHOTO/ANUPAM NATH
A Naga tribal man in traditional attire shouts while he performs a dance during the Hornbill Festival at Kisama village. The 10-day-long festival, named after the Hornbill bird, is one of the biggest festivals in India’s northeast, showcasing the cultural heritage of the indigenous Nagas.
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Candeleda, Spain 11.26.2013 Argentinian horse whisperer Fernando Noailles tames Mai, a three-and-ahalf-year-old Pure Spanish Horse, at Espadanal Ranch. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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Slavkov, Czech Republic 11.30.2013 History enthusiasts dressed as soldiers take part in a re-enactment of Napoleon’s 1805 Battle of Austerlitz. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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Manaus, Brazil 11.26.2013 A woman rests at her banana stall in the modern market next to the large, open-air Adolpho Lisboa market. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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Manaus, Brazil 11.27.2013 A woman stares out the window of her raised-floor house in a shantytown. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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Jalalabad, Afghanistan 12.01.2013 Afghan schoolchildren take lessons in an open classroom at a refugee camp on the outskirts of Jalalabad. Afghanistan has had only rare moments of peace over the past 30 years, its education system being undermined by the Soviet invasion of 1979, a civil war in the 1990s and five years of Taliban rule. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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Beaver Creek, Colo. 11.28.2013 Jacqueline Wiles makes a turn during a training run for the women’s World Cup downhill skiing event. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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Najaf, Iraq 11.29.2013 Mourners pray over the coffin of Moses Jafar, a street vendor killed in a car bomb attack at a vegetable market on Nov. 28. Violence has been on the rise in Iraq in recent months due to a deadly security crackdown in April on a Sunni protest camp north of Baghdad. More than 5,500 people have been killed since then. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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Ramallah, West Bank 11.30.2013 A Palestinians activist is detained by Israeli soldiers during a protest against the Prawer Plan to resettle Israel’s Palestinian Bedouin minority from their villages in the Negev Desert. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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New York, New York 11.28.2013 A giant Uncle Sam balloon is marched down 6th Avenue during the 87th Annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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Jerusalem 12.01.2013 An Ultra-Orthodox Jewish man prays and lights candles on the fifth night of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah in the neighborhood of Mea Shearim. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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Tel Aviv, Israel 12.02.2013 A swimmer passes as surfers paddle on boards in the Mediterranean sea. Temperatures rose up to 86 degrees Fahrenheit in Israel. Tap here for a more extensive look at the week on The Huffington Post. PHOTO OR ILLUSTRATION CREDIT TK
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Voices
LINDA TIRADO
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This Is Why Poor People’s Bad Decisions Make Sense THERE’S NO WAY to structure this coherently. They are random observations that might help explain the mental processes. But often, I think that we look at the academic problems of poverty and have no idea of the why. We know the what and the how, and we can see systemic problems, but it’s
rare to have a poor person actually explain it on their own behalf. So this is me doing that, sort of. Rest is a luxury for the rich. I get up at 6 a.m., go to school (I have a full course load, but I only have to go to two in-person classes) then work, then I get the kids, then I pick up my husband, then I have half an hour to change and go to Job 2. I get home from that at around 12:30 a.m., then I have
Voices the rest of my classes and work to tend to. I’m in bed by three. This isn’t every day, I have two days off a week from each of my obligations. I use that time to clean the house and soothe Mr. Martini and see the kids for longer than an hour and catch up on schoolwork. Those nights I’m in bed by midnight, but if I go to bed too early I won’t be able to stay up the other nights because I’ll fuck my pattern up, and I drive an hour home from Job 2 so I can’t afford to be sleepy. I never get a day off from work unless I am fairly sick. It doesn’t leave you much room to think about what you are doing, only to attend to the next thing and the next. Planning isn’t in the mix. When I got pregnant the first time, I was living in a weekly motel. I had a mini-fridge with no freezer and a microwave. I was on WIC. I ate peanut butter from the jar and frozen burritos because they were 12/$2. Had I had a stove, I couldn’t have made beef burritos that cheaply. And I needed the meat, I was pregnant. I might not have had any prenatal care, but I am intelligent enough to eat protein and iron whilst knocked up. I know how to cook. I had to take
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Home Ec to graduate high school. Most people on my level didn’t. Broccoli is intimidating. You have to have a working stove, and pots, and spices, and you’ll have to do the dishes no matter how tired you are or they’ll attract bugs. It is a huge new skill for a lot of people.
We have learned not to try too hard to be middleclass. It never works out well and always makes you feel worse for having tried and failed yet again.” That’s not great, but it’s true. And if you fuck it up, you could make your family sick. We have learned not to try too hard to be middleclass. It never works out well and always makes you feel worse for having tried and failed yet again. Better not to try. It makes more sense to get food that you know will be palatable and cheap and that keeps well. Junk food is a pleasure that we are allowed to have; why would we give that up? We have very few of them. The closest Planned Parenthood to me is three hours. That’s a lot of money in gas. Lots of women
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can’t afford that, and even if you live near one you probably don’t want to be seen coming in and out in a lot of areas. We’re aware that we are not “having kids,” we’re “breeding.” We have kids for much the same reasons that I imagine rich people do. Urge to propagate and all. Nobody likes poor people procreating, but they judge abortion even harder. Convenience food is just that. And we are not allowed many conveniences. Especially since the Patriot Act passed, it’s hard to get a bank account. But without one, you spend a lot of time figuring out where to cash a check and get
LINDA TIRADO
money orders to pay bills. Most motels now have a no-credit-cardno-room policy. I wandered around SF for five hours in the rain once with nearly a thousand dollars on me and could not rent a room even if I gave them a $500 cash deposit and surrendered my cell phone to the desk to hold as surety. Nobody gives enough thought to depression. You have to understand that we know that we will never not feel tired. We will never feel hopeful. We will never get a vacation. Ever. We know that the very act of being poor guarantees that we will never not be poor. It doesn’t give us much reason to improve ourselves. We don’t apply for jobs because we know we can’t afford to look nice enough
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Voices to hold them. I would make a super legal secretary, but I’ve been turned down more than once because I “don’t fit the image of the firm,” which is a nice way of saying “gtfo, pov.” I am good enough to cook the food, hidden away in the kitchen, but my boss won’t make me a server because I don’t “fit the corporate image.” I am not beautiful. I have missing teeth and skin that looks like it will when you live on B12 and coffee and nicotine and no sleep. Beauty is a thing you get when you can afford it, and that’s how you get the job that you need in order to be beautiful. There isn’t much point trying. Cooking attracts roaches. Nobody realizes that. I’ve spent a lot of hours impaling roach bodies and leaving them out on toothpick pikes to discourage others from entering. It doesn’t work, but is amusing. “Free” only exists for rich people. It’s great that there’s a bowl of condoms at my school, but most poor people will never set foot on a college campus. We don’t belong there. There’s a clinic? Great! There’s still a copay. We’re not going. Besides, all they’ll tell you at the clinic is that you need to see a specialist, which seriously? Might as well be locat-
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ed on Mars for how accessible it is. “Low-cost” and “sliding scale” sounds like “money you have to spend” to me, and they can’t actually help you anyway. I smoke. It’s expensive. It’s also the best option. You see, I am al-
Junk food is a pleasure that we are allowed to have; why would we give that up? We have very few of them.” ways, always exhausted. It’s a stimulant. When I am too tired to walk one more step, I can smoke and go for another hour. When I am enraged and beaten down and incapable of accomplishing one more thing, I can smoke and I feel a little better, just for a minute. It is the only relaxation I am allowed. It is not a good decision, but it is the only one that I have access to. It is the only thing I have found that keeps me from collapsing or exploding. I make a lot of poor financial decisions. None of them matter, in the long term. I will never not be poor, so what does it matter if I don’t pay a thing and a half this week instead of just one thing?
Voices It’s not like the sacrifice will result in improved circumstances; the thing holding me back isn’t that I blow five bucks at Wendy’s. It’s that now that I have proven that I am a Poor Person, that is all that I am or ever will be. It is not worth it to me to live a bleak life devoid of small pleasures so that one day I can make a single large purchase. I will never have large pleasures to hold on to. There’s a certain pull to live what bits of life you can while there’s money in your pocket, because no matter how responsible you are you will be broke in three days anyway. When you never have enough money it ceases to have meaning. I imagine having a lot of it is the same thing. Poverty is bleak and cuts off your long-term brain. It’s why you see people with four different babydaddies instead of one. You grab a bit of connection wherever you can to survive. You have no idea how strong the pull to feel worthwhile is. It’s more basic than food. You go to these people who make you feel lovely for an hour that one time, and that’s all you get. You’re probably not compatible with them for anything longterm, but right this minute they can make you feel powerful and
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valuable. It does not matter what will happen in a month. Whatever happens in a month is probably going to be just about as indifferent as whatever happened today or last week. None of it matters. We don’t plan long-term because if we
Nobody gives enough thought to depression. You have to understand that we know that we will never not feel tired. We will never feel hopeful. We will never get a vacation. Ever.” do we’ll just get our hearts broken. It’s best not to hope. You just take what you can get as you spot it. I am not asking for sympathy. I am just trying to explain, on a human level, how it is that people make what look from the outside like awful decisions. This is what our lives are like, and here are our defense mechanisms, and here is why we think differently. It’s certainly self-defeating, but it’s safer. That’s all. I hope it helps make sense of it. Linda Tirado is an average American with two kids and two jobs.
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SAM RESSLER
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The Worst App for Women, by Women
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ONFESSION: I HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL. So when told about an app that might give me access to shamelessly stalk any and all of my exes with the false pretense of gaining insight into their lives (sans me), naturally I jumped at the opportunity. What transpired was a visceral reaction to one of the most jaw-dropping, stomach-curling, rosacea-inducing, sad Internet moments of my adult life. “Lulu: Firstever App For Girls,” intended as a forum where women can “share insights on love and life,” is a virtual burn book — a place where the good can be commended, the bad reprimanded and the ugly outed.
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Voices In reality, Lulu is simply an unacceptable invasion of privacy, a place where women believe they are helping other women with a user-generated reference guide to dating, but in fact are just perpetuating pain for the very women they intend to protect. Here’s how Lulu works: Through Facebook, you can anonymously review any and all of your male friends in the following categories: appearance, humor, manners, sex, first kiss, ambition, and commitment. Women contribute valid observations — rendered, of course, in hashtags. Then Lulu churns out a rating. The site does not discriminate, which means that college-aged dating newbies making all the same mistakes we once did are branded with titles such as #F**kedMeChuckedMe. If this doesn’t seem bad enough, committed faithfuls can be assessed by the ghosts of girlfriends past with phrases like #ForgotMyBirthday and thrown into the same pool as bad boys, serial daters and dumpers, aka #TotalF*ckingDickhead #IncapableOfCommitment. This is... #WildlyOffensive. Let’s break it down, shall we? If you’re single, what is the first thing you do when you sign onto
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Lulu? FIND YOUR EX, then FIND YOUR NEXT, correct? Step one: opening the ex-files. I start in chronological order (of course) because my Type A, obsessive personality shines through even while experimenting on the World Wide Web. Instinctively, I knew my first ex-boyfriends would hurt less than my last, so I started there. A form of calculated self-protection, if you will.
Lulu is simply an unacceptable invasion of privacy, a place where women... are just perpetuating pain for the very women they intend to protect.” Reading about my high school and college boyfriends’ dalliances made me feel one poignant emotion: RE-MAD. Re-Mad (adj): The ungainly process of feeling or showing anger all over again. Now I’m reading about my exexes. I don’t giggle, smile or even wince that someone thought one #ShouldHaveComeWithAWarn-
LULU/ITUNES
Voices ing and another was described as #TooCoolForSchool with #PornEducated #SexMoves. I felt deeply saddened that good men who treated me wonderfully for years were reduced to such unoriginal and mean-spirited hashtags. Here I am searching dates and times of when my ex-ex-ex may or may not have slept with girls post our breakup, fuming at the prospect of someone I cared about with someone else. It’s crazy-making. It’s painful. Not funny. Not fun. I found myself “re-mad” about things I had let go years ago. Next stop: most recent ex-boyfriend. Are any 26-year-olds out there having easy breakups? If so, please call me. I’d like to hear about them. Real life happens and break ups revolve around I love yous and marriage and children and rent and career failures and successes... all of these breakups were difficult. Some of them even worse than difficult. But that is my cross to bear, and I’ll tell you what does not alleviate the pain of a failed relationship: knowing that three months ago a man I loved slept with a one-night stand who called his #LipsKissable, his demeanor #ManChild and his commitment level “4.” Thanks, lady.
SAM RESSLER
HUFFINGTON 12.08.13
Lulu churns out a numberbased rating for men based on women’s reviews.
If this was a website geared toward men, we would die. All of us.” I knew that. But now, I just want to know who the hell you are and how I can track you down and physically assault you. I certainly feel no sense of kinship here. On to the next (guy I’ve been dating). So far, he’s been lovely. Smart, funny, kind. No issues as of yet, but why would there be... unless... I could track down a
Voices list of every girl he’s dated to see if he has ever done anything to piss any of them off?! Then we’d haveloads to fight about! Fab! Forget about timing and chemistry and if his grandfather died the night before he went out with “Anonymous Reviewer 24” who called him #Absent and #NotPresent. Why would that matter? So by this point, if you’re single, Lulu has poured salt in your most recent wounds and deterred you from the nice guy you went out with last night. Maybe this “app for girls” is better suited for people in relationships? Nope. If you’re in a relationship, forget about getting re-mad, prepare for just plain mad. My close friend — let’s call him Andrew — has been with his girlfriend for two years. Aside from being a loyal, committed boyfriend to her, he has been a tremendously good friend to me. Not to mention, he’s just a really great guy. Last night, after having read the NYT article he asked his girlfriend to look him up on this app. Curiosity killed the cat, man. What transpired was hours of fighting and questioning. If it ain’t broke, don’t break it apart into a million pieces by creating a
SAM RESSLER
HUFFINGTON 12.08.13
forum where other girls can talk about sex with your boyfriend! Let’s talk about feminism, ladies. Let’s talk about sisterhood. Support. Protection. If this was a website geared toward men, we would die. All of us. Collectively. Imagine if everyone we ever dated,
If you’re single, Lulu has poured salt in your most recent wounds and deterred you from the nice guy you went out with last night.” kissed, slept with or exchanged I love you’s with could do this to us: #fartsinbed #likestohavesexonherperiod #wantstokisstoomuch. How do we expect respect? How do we demand respect if this is how we behave? We don’t deserve it. Lulu gives women the illusion of control, but the only thing I can glean from this is the opposite. Desperation for control has driven women to act like the worst version of themselves. Let’s be better before they get us back. Sam Ressler is an LA-based actress and writer.
CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: JB LACROIX/WIREIMAGE/GETTY IMAGES; ANDREAS SOLARO/AFP/GETTY IMAGES; NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC; WILLIAM VOLCOV/BRAZILPHOTOPRESS/LATINCONTENT/GETTY IMAGES
Voices
QUOTED
“ Maybe, in the end, a modern family is just a more honest family.”
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“ Today we also have to say ‘thou shalt not’ to an economy of exclusion and inequality. Such an economy kills.”
— Pope Francis
in an 84-page apostolic exhortation, in which he called for a renewal of the Roman Catholic Church
— Maria Bello
in a New York Times “Modern Love” column in which she revealed she is in a lesbian relationship
“ Paul was a truly good person in a town of questionable characters... A real life tragedy if there ever was one.”
— Rachel Leigh Cook
on Paul Walker, who died in a car accident last weekend
“ Once again acid trip doesn’t make the cut...” — HuffPost commenter groot on “The Best Trips To Take In 2014, According To National Geographic Traveler”
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Voices
QUOTED
“ Leadership tends to be unpopular. Entertainment on the other hand wins applause.” — HuffPost commenter DD1Prime on “Crack-Smoking Mayor Rob Ford More Popular Than Obama, Congress”
“ The house I shared with my ex was colder than that.”
— HuffPost commenter jdmn17
on “The World’s Oldest And Deepest Lake Is Really Pretty When It’s Frozen”
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“ It’s not a demonstration, it’s not a reaction. It’s a revolution.”
— Yuriy Lutsenko,
a former Ukrainian interior minister who is now an opposition leader in Ukraine’s movement demanding that the government resign
“ What was that main argument against allowing gays to be legally married? Something about how it would cheapen the institution?”
— HuffPost commenter OkieIntellectual
on “Kim Kardashian And Kanye West’s Wedding Might Be Aired On TV”
ANDREW BURTON/GETTY IMAGES
12.08.13 #78 FEATURES SHOPPING WHILE BLACK
‘AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE CHILD’
BLACK S H O P P I N G
W H I L E
A Reputation for Racism Grows at Barneys New York B Y
K I M
B H A S I N
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J U L E E
W I L S O N
JIN LEE/BLOOMBERG VIA GETTY IMAGES
On the sales floor at the Madison Avenue flagship store of Barneys New York, salespeople would joke about customers who, in their view, didn’t belong. œ Often, those jokes would be aimed at the black customers, a former sales associate at the store told The Huffington Post.
The Barneys department store on Madison Avenue in New York.
SHOPPING WHILE BLACK
The former employee, who spoke on condition she not be named for fear of jeopardizing her career in the industry, said she heard sales staff and security repeatedly rip on black shoppers: “Their card is probably not going to go through,” they’d say. “I don’t know why they come in here and want to try stuff on that they know they’re not going to buy.” “If a black person comes in with a sweatshirt or sneakers, some of the white sales associates would be on the floor saying: ‘Why are they even here? They’re probably going to scam,’” said the former associate, who is black and worked at the store in 2012 and 2013. “They would say this stuff in front of me. Sometimes I would just walk away, and sometimes I would say, ‘You never know.’” The luxury department store chain counts on its reputation of elitism and exclusivity to attract rich shoppers willing to shell out big bucks for a $1,595 Givenchy sweatshirt or a $4,495 Andrea Campagna suit. But that same highbrow culture has fostered racial profiling at Barneys, company insiders and industry experts say. Barneys insiders told HuffPost they’ve seen profiling by salespeople and security guards. One cur-
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rent veteran employee at the Madison Avenue store — who asked for anonymity because workers were given “strict warning” they could lose their jobs for speaking to the media — alleged that store security keeps a close eye on black shoppers who don’t look famous. “If you’re black and come in with an entourage, you won’t be followed because they’ll be like ‘Oh, that’s
“ It’s just the most obvious way to identify... people that you don’t want in your store.” somebody famous,’” the employee said. “But if you come in by yourself or with one other person, then you’re going to be followed.” But even famous black shoppers aren’t completely safe. The former employee recalled one of the Barneys loss-prevention specialists, who are tasked with reducing store theft, reminiscing about the time he was working at Saks Fifth Avenue and stopped the rapper Lil’ Kim. “He said, ‘Sometimes you think certain rappers have money, but just because they have money doesn’t mean they don’t shoplift,’” the former employee alleged the specialist said. In recent months, Barneys has
FROM TOP: PEARL GABEL/NY DAILY NEWS VIA GETTY IMAGES; COURTESY OF KAYLA PHILLIPS
SHOPPING WHILE BLACK
been accused in two cases of alleged racial discrimination that sparked widespread outrage. Trayon Christian, a 19-year-old college student, sued Barneys in Manhattan Supreme Court in October, after he was falsely accused of shoplifting a $359 Ferragamo belt he bought at the Madison Avenue store. After Christian’s story spread, 21-yearold nursing student Kayla Phillips alleged that she experienced racial profiling after she bought a $2,500 Céline bag at the same store. When contacted by HuffPost, a Barneys spokeswoman pointed to a statement the company’s CEO, Mark Lee, made after a meeting with Rev. Al Sharpton and black community leaders in response to alleged profiling: “We take this issue very seriously, and if any employees were to deviate from our policies we would terminate those individuals immediately,” Lee said. Barneys has said its employees were not involved in either incident, effectively shifting blame to the New York Police Department officers who stopped the customers. The company apologized, and assured it will review its internal procedures to make sure such incidents don’t happen again. The retailer brought in Michael Yaki, who serves on the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights, to consult. He led an investigation on Barneys
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Students Trayvon Christian (above) and Kayla Phillips (below) both alleged that Barneys had racially profiled them earlier this year.
AP PHOTO/CRAIG RUTTLE
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behalf, producing a five-page report declaring the store did not engage in racial profiling. According to the document, no written or unwritten policy to target customers based on race was found and Barneys did not “request, require nor initiate the actions of the New York Police Department.” While the report cited written materials, policies and interviews conducted with store employees, no police officers were interviewed. The NYPD refuted
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Yaki’s findings. John McCarthy, the police department’s chief spokesman, said “in both instances, NYPD officers were conducting unrelated investigations and took action after conferring with Barneys employees while in their security room.” But the situation at Barneys isn’t unique, nor is it limited to upscale department stores. In the past decade, Neiman Marcus, Macy’s, Dillards and Kohl’s have each been sued for alleged racial profiling. In 2000, thousands protested against Lord & Taylor after its security guards were accused of strangling a
Rev. Al Sharpton, standing with Barneys New York CEO Mark Lee (left), addresses the media at the National Action Headquarters in New York, after they and other community leaders discussed allegations of racial profiling in October 2013.
CRAIG WARGA/BLOOMBERG VIA GETTY IMAGES
SHOPPING WHILE BLACK
black man to death in a confrontation over alleged shoplifting. Actor Robert Brown, star of the HBO show Treme, filed a federal class-action lawsuit against Macy’s for alleged racial discrimination in November, citing 14 other minority shoppers who claim they were mistreated due to their race. The lawsuit accuses Macy’s of leaving customers of color “feeling victimized, humiliated, traumatized.” In response to the discrimination complaints, New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman has begun an investigation of Barneys and Macy’s practices, demanding the companies turn over information about any policies on detaining and questioning customers based on race, according to letters obtained by The New York Daily News. In November, Barneys and Macy’s were no-shows at a City Council hearing discussing ways to combat racial profiling. Macy’s has been subpoenaed by the New York City Commission on Human Rights ordering it to turn over security policies and theft data — a request Barneys has already fulfilled. In an attempt to curb future problems, Barneys rolled out its first initiative: video and audio surveillance of the law enforcement officers who
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visit the store’s security areas. Despite promises of improvement, black Americans have long dealt with the issue of “shopping while black” — a humiliating experience typified by suspicious looks from security guards, rude salespeople and bad service. In a 2007 Gallup survey, 28 percent of black people polled said they had been singled out due to their race while shopping in the previous 30 days.
Neiman Marcus has also been sued for alleged racial profiling in the past decade.
BILL PUGLIANO/LIAISON/GETTY IMAGES
Stephanie Henderson of Detroit attends a rally in front of a Lord & Taylor store in Dearborn, Mich., on July 5, 2000. Thousands gathered to protest the death of Frederick Finley, who died of suffocation while security guards had him in a chokehold after his family was accused of shoplifting.
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But at a luxury retailer like Barneys, elitism and brand culture may be particularly potent catalysts for racial discrimination. THE LEGACY OF THE ELITE “It’s elitism — racial profiling is just one expression of that elitism,” former Wall Street Journal reporter Johnnie Roberts told HuffPost. Roberts, who is black, said that 23 years ago, he was detained after shopping at the Barneys store on 7th Avenue and falsely accused of stealing a tie. “It’s just the most obvious way to identify and collect and segregate people that you don’t want in your store.” Barneys was not always elitist. When Barney Pressman founded it in 1923, it was a discount men’s clothing store called Barney’s Clothes. Pressman’s son, Fred Pressman, took over in the late ’50s and transformed it into a purveyor of high fashion, filling it with topname, international designers. Barneys has been a fixture of Manhattan’s luxury shopping scene ever since, a monument to opulence for New York City’s most affluent. “Barneys is an identity package, an icon, the hub of hip,” New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd once wrote of the store. “It is an
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NOCD (Not Our Class, Darling) joint that would scorn the bargainhunter from its early days.” At Barneys and other high-end stores, salespeople regularly “size up” customers, judging what kind of cash they think they will shell out, said Steven Dennis, a former
According to numerous studies... black customers who dress up get a lower level of service than white customers who dress down. senior executive at Neiman Marcus who now runs retail consulting firm SageBerry. Many of the sales staff are on commission and don’t want to waste time with customers they assume won’t buy anything. A 2004 New York magazine profile of four experienced salespeople in the city included a quote from a Barneys shoe salesman, speculating on what a customer might buy: “A woman might come in wearing a Tshirt and jeans and you’ll think, Oh she’s not going to buy anything, she has no money, but then she’ll purchase the whole store!” “When I was at Neiman’s, we would hear these complaints all the time from customers who weren’t waited on,” explained Dennis. “Too young, not dressed nicely,
COURTESY OF ANTHONY PAUL FARLEY
SHOPPING WHILE BLACK
doesn’t look serious — whatever it is. The sales associate tends to get worried if they’re stuck with somebody who’s trying to kick the tires. They’re afraid they’re going to miss out on the customer who’s going to spend a lot.” High-end stores like Barneys also typically have less staff than discount retailers dealing with larger crowds, said Dennis. That makes salespeople more selective about who they approach, particularly as managers are constantly watching their productivity. Anthony Paul Farley, a professor at Albany Law School who is black, said he stopped shopping at Barneys after an incident he witnessed in the late 1980s. He couldn’t get anyone in the store to help him, and as he was heading toward the door, he spotted another black customer holding four or five suits across his arm. “Can a black man get some help buying a suit?” the man said loudly, according to Farley, before dropping one of the suits on the floor. The man repeated the process, and when the final suit hit the floor, he walked out, Farley said. “No, a black man could not get some help buying a suit at Barneys in the late 1980s,” Farley said. “I left when he left.”
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In an October story in The New York Times on Barneys security, Nafeesa Baptiste, a former Barneys employee who has filed a workplace harassment claim to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, alleged that she and her black customers were profiled by the store’s security and followed “from floor to floor.” Even when black customers dress up, they can’t expect equal service, said Jerome Williams, a business professor at Rutgers University who
Albany Law School Professor Anthony Paul Farley said he stopped shopping at Barneys in the late 1980s, after witnessing a black man who could not get anyone in the store to help him.
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has studied discrimination in retail stores. Williams said that according to numerous studies on the subject, black customers who dress up get a lower level of service than white customers who dress down. “When it comes to elitism and race, it’s all interactive and all connected,” said Williams. “When you look at the givens, race still comes into the picture.” Michaela Angela Davis, editorial brand manager for BET, pointed to a broader source: the societal image of “the inferiority and criminality of black people.” “It has resonated globally, and I think this is also one of the residual ills from the institution of slavery,” said Davis. “This is why it’s so interesting when people want us to get over it and not talk about it. It’s like this disease that has all these mutations that we’ve seen through generations.” SECURING THE STORE Theft is an expensive problem retailers must constantly find ways to mitigate. In 2011, retail theft accounted for $34.5 billion in losses, according to a survey conducted by the National Retail Federation and the University of Florida. Earlier this year, Barneys had a
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theft problem. But in trying to address theft, the retailer may have just been substituting one problem for another: racial profiling. According to the October New York Times story, a new Barneys security management team outlined more intense policies after a meeting on shoplifting several months ago. Security staffers were told to “take chances” in stopping custom-
By focusing security efforts on minority customers... retailers concentrate on watching the wrong people at the wrong time. ers, even if that required falsely accusing some shoppers who had done nothing wrong. Barneys began calling the police more often, according to The Times. Then, complaints from black shoppers began to surface. A Barneys “Loss Prevention Orientation” guidebook obtained by HuffPost instructs Barneys employees to inform their store manager about any suspected instances of theft. The manager must then contact the loss-prevention department. Employees get cash awards for supplying “valid information that leads to the apprehension and/or conviction of any individual who is stealing or destroying” items owned by Bar-
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neys, according to the handbook. Security expert J.R. Roberts, who is a consultant for law enforcement, businesses and attorneys on the topic, told HuffPost that racial profiling ends up aiding criminals more than it deters them. By focusing security efforts on minority customers, Roberts said, retailers concentrate on watching the wrong people at the wrong time. They should be keeping track of customers’ behavior — not the pigment of their skin. “Not only are African-Americans being disproportionately targeted, but the retailers are being stupid because millions of dollars are walking out the door between a little old lady’s legs,” he said. Much of the time, it comes down to sheer “laziness” on the part of the retailer, Roberts said. Either the employees don’t have adequate training, or managers ignore signs that a particular employee may be racially profiling customers, he said. Chris McGoey, a security and retail loss prevention expert, said it’s critical to look at the behavior of customers and leave age, gender and race entirely out of the equation. While he stressed the importance of firing plainly bigoted employees, McGoey noted that despite all the policies and training, some
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bad employees are bound to slip through the cracks. The alleged discrimination could be hurting Barneys in another way: by alienating potential new customers, including entrepreneurs who are younger and more multicultural. Neiman Marcus Group, which owns luxury retailer Bergdorf Goodman along with its namesake chain, was looking to buy Barneys in 2004 and 2007, according to former Neiman Marcus executive Dennis. But executives didn’t believe the company could expand enough to justify the price, Dennis said. “If they really want to grow, they have to become more accessible in order to address a wider market,” Dennis said. “I don’t think the world really needs yet another place to buy expensive, fashionable clothing.” Kim Bhasin is a senior retail reporter and Julee Wilson is the style & beauty editor at The Huffington Post.
Former Wall Street Journal reporter Johnnie Roberts explains his brush with racial profiling at Barneys 23 years ago. Tap here to see the full segment on HuffPost Live.
‘AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE CHILD’ The Devastating, Confusing Experience of Secondary Infertility BY CATHERINE PEARSON
ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN GEE; THIS PAGE: COURTESY OF DESIREE BUCKINGHAM-RAMIREZ
Desiree Buckingham-Ramirez was 22 years old, and on the birth control pill, when she got pregnant with her son. She had forgotten to take one, maybe two, of the pills, which she had been prescribed to help regulate her erratic menstrual cycle. So getting pregnant, she said, was a “huge, wonderful” surprise. Buckingham-Ramirez fell in love with motherhood, and when her son turned 2, she and her husband started trying for another. Months passed. BuckinghamRamirez, now 26 and a stay-athome-mom, saw her doctor, who diagnosed her with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), a condition that affects women’s menstrual cycles and ability to have children. She began taking Clomid — a drug that stimulates ovulation — and
“ Every twinge you feel, you think, ‘Is this a pregnancy symptom?’. I go online and put my information in those due-date calendars they have, which is so embarrassing.” worked with her doctors to track her cycle. But two years later, the couple has still had no success. “Every twinge you feel, you think, ‘Is this a pregnancy symptom?’” she said. “I go online and put my information in those due-date calendars they have, which is so embarrassing … I love my son more than anything, but our family just feels like it’s missing someone.” Estimates by the National Center for Health Statistics suggest
Desiree BuckinghamRamirez poses with her son.
‘ AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE CHILD’
that more than 3 million women of childbearing age in the U.S. who have one biological child have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying another to term. And roughly 800,000 married women with one child are unable to get pregnant again after one year of having unprotected sex, month after month, according to NCHS data. But while infertility has slowly gained recognition as a common and emotionally devastating condition, secondary infertility has remained in the shadows, leaving many of the women and couples who face it feeling utterly alone. STUCK, WITHOUT ANSWERS Why some women who have already had one biological child struggle to have another is a complex question, and often one with no clear explanation. Age is one major factor. Women are born with all the eggs they will ever have and slowly lose them throughout their lifetimes: Women tend to experience a “perceptible decline” in their ovarian reserve starting at age 35, followed by a precipitous decline after 37, explained Dr. Bala Bhagavath, an associate professor of obstetrics and gynecology who treats pa-
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tients at the University of Rochester’s Strong Fertility Center. This means many simply age out of having another child. “The vast majority of patients I see for secondary infertility are in their midto late-30s,” he said. But age isn’t the only factor. Sperm quality and quantity, which can change both from month to month and over time,
Roughly 800,000 married women with one child are unable to get pregnant again after one year of having unprotected sex, month after month, according to NCHS data. as well as structural complications, like blocked fallopian tubes, can play a role. Medical conditions, such as PCOS, can have an effect as well. In other cases, secondary infertility is simply unexplainable, leaving hopeful parents feeling bewildered and unmoored. “If we can say, ‘This is the problem,’ there’s hope that it can be fixed,” Bhagavath said. “The lack of identification of a specific problem is always frustrating. It’s frustrating for us, and it’s frustrating for patients.” And with secondary infertility, that frustration can compound parents’ feelings that they do not
COURTESY OF AMY WRUBLE
‘ AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE CHILD’
completely belong to any one category. They are not “infertile” in the way that people struggling to have a first baby are, and yet there is some thing — often unknown — preventing them from becoming parents again. “You’re in this unique circumstance,” said Susan Allen, a licensed marriage and family therapist in California who focuses on infertility and leads infertility
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“ It’s not like I begrudge anyone their children, but it’s hard not to go to that dark place.” support groups. “You’re hovering between two worlds.” GUILT AND JEALOUSY “I’ve had friends and family say to me, ‘You should be grateful. At least you have one child,”’ said Melissa Bouzek, a 31-yearold from Wisconsin who has an
Amy Wruble, 43, began trying for a second child soon after the birth of her first, knowing that her fertility window was closing.
‘ AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE CHILD’
8-year-old daughter and has been trying for another baby since 2006. In that time, Bouzek, who was recently laid off from her part-time job at a call center, tried intrauterine insemination (IUI) — having her husband’s sperm placed directly into her uterus during ovulation — and has had two miscarriages. “I am grateful because I have my daughter, and she is my shining star. I tell people that … but I’ve always wanted a big family.” Indeed, therapists who regularly treat patients experiencing secondary infertility say that what makes the condition particularly isolating is that it can be perceived by others as a selfish obsession. “A typical response is, ‘Well, at least you have little Johnny,’ or, even worse, people with multiple children saying, ‘You don’t know how good you’ve got it,’” said Krista Post, a licensed psychologist working in Minneapolis who specializes in reproductive issues. “A lot of the work I do is validating the pain and loss of their experience. Whether you’re having difficulty conceiving a first child, or a secondary experience of not being able to fulfill this dream of a larger family, it is painful.”
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Many parents say they also feel ashamed of themselves for resenting peers and friends who grow their families with seeming ease. “One of the yuckiest emotions is the jealousy,” said Amy Wruble, a 43-year-old, California-based blogger who has written about her experience with secondary infertility. Wruble began trying for another baby soon after the
Therapists who regularly treat patients experiencing secondary infertility say that what makes the condition particularly isolating is that it can be perceived by others as a selfish obsession. birth of her daughter, who is now in preschool, knowing her fertility window was rapidly closing. “It’s not like I begrudge anyone their children, but it’s hard not to go to that dark place. And then of course I feel bad,” she said. “I think one of the oddities of secondary infertility is that you’re a mother already, so you live in a world that’s populated by babies and children,” she continued. “There’s no escaping from your grief, or your jealousy, because you’re confronted by it every moment of every day.”
COURTESY OF MELISSA BOUZEK
‘ AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE CHILD’
PARENTING THROUGH SADNESS Lauren Villavaso, a 37-year-old who is a stay-at-home mom, easily got pregnant with her first son, when she was 30 years old. But when she and her husband started trying for another baby six months after his birth, the experience was very different. It took five years, eight miscarriages, five IUIs and four attempts at in vitro fertilization — a total of roughly $70,000 out of pocket — for the couple to have their next son, born eight months ago. For Villavaso, the biggest challenge was worrying that her son would — and still might — think that her desire to have another baby was somehow a reflection on him. “I never wanted him to think he wasn’t enough for us,” she said. “But I was obsessed. When I was with my son, I was okay, but when he was at preschool, it was all I could think about.” Often, family and marriage therapist Allen said, parents struggle with what she calls the “incongruence” of their situation: In one moment, they are wrapped up in pure joy over caring for their child, and in the next, they may experience overwhelming pain and longing. Much
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“ I am grateful because I have my daughter, and she is my shining star. I tell people that … but I’ve always wanted a big family.” of the counseling she does, she said, centers around the development of mindfulness-based coping skills and helping parents be more present with the children they have, while still giving themselves permission to want more. In many cases, she recommends a structured, scheduled worry time, during which parents give themselves over to their fears and sadness, before getting back to their lives. Other times, she helps par-
In her years of trying for another baby, Melissa Bouzek has taken so many pregnancy tests, she jokes that she “should invest in EPT.”
‘ AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE CHILD’
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ents who have decided to give up. “A lot of couples do come to me to find a resolution,” Allen said. “They’re grieving the loss of this idealized family they thought they were going to have for themselves, and for their children.” HOLDING ON TO HOPE But the desire to have children isn’t one that is abandoned easily — even with the enormous financial burden that fertility treatments can pose. And knowing in a very personal and tangible way the happiness that children can bring because they’ve already had one only serves to strengthen many parents’ resolve. “Part of the reason why I want another child so badly is because of how much I love my first child,” said Wruble. She has had one failed insemination, three rounds of in vitro and several miscarriages, and she continues to try for another baby using what she has called on her blog the “free, old-fashioned way.” “It’s not that she’s not enough. In a way she caused this by being so wonderful,” Wruble said of her daughter. For her part, BuckinghamRamirez said she and her husband
will not pursue in vitro fertilization, partly because it is more than they can afford and partly because she fears she would be too crushed, emotionally, if it failed. She said she is open to adoption, particularly because her own brother was adopted, but her husband is less certain. For now, the couple has decided to take a several-month break from any medical procedures, in order to lower their stress around the holidays. They will re-group after — possibly pursuing an IUI, she said. Buckingham-Ramirez swore to herself that she would stop fretting over her cycle and Googling each ache and sensation to see if it’s pregnancy-related, but she’s struggling to keep that promise. “I don’t know if I can ever stop thinking about it or take a real break,” she said. Catherine Pearson is a senior reporter at The Huffington Post.
Amy Wruble discusses her struggle with secondary infertility. Tap here for the full segment on HuffPost Live.
Exit NYC’s Ballet Dancers Share Their Fashion Secrets BY REBECCA ADAMS
Tiler Peck, principal dancer at the New York City Ballet, favors dark colors, leather jackets and boots when she’s roaming the city. PHOTOGRAPHS BY RAYDENE SALINAS
STYLE
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Exit INCE THE 1930S, George Balanchine’s dancers have occupied the Upper West Side, gracing the streets with their heads up high, shoulders back and feet elegantly turned out. Those who studied under the prolific New York City Ballet choreographer had a very particular look, too: They tended to be fairskinned and feminine with an innocent, doll-like quality. But it’s been 30 years since Balanchine’s death, and the New York City Ballet has certainly changed since its beloved co-founder passed. Nowadays, the NYCB dancers are more concerned with blending in with the city’s trendy, contemporary style, as we learned on a visit to Lincoln Center to speak with the dancers themselves. “I definitely don’t feel like I dress like a ballet dancer,” says Tiler Peck, a principal dancer at NYCB. Peck hails from sunny California but has embraced dark colors, leather jackets and boots as her city uniform. As much as she loves “people clothes,” however, Peck spends the majority of her time wearing a leotard and tights, like the rest of the company’s dancers. Take one peek into the rehears-
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al room, and it’s clear that not one leotard style fits all, though. Peck wears a bright purple number with black tights and striped, thigh-high leg warmers, which she’ll take on and off throughout the day as it gets pretty cold in the studio and pants are too cumbersome. Gretchen Smith, a corps de ballet dancer, shows up in a geometric printed blue leotard. “I’m very scissor-happy when it comes to what I wear at work,” Smith, an Indiana transplant, says. “A lot of people are just like, ‘You cut that again?’ I just don’t like to feel inhibited.” It’s not uncommon for the dancers to take matters into their own hands when it comes to rehearsal style. “A lot of times I think of something I want to wear,
NYCB co-founder George Balanchine with dancers in 1962.
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and I don’t have it or it doesn’t exist,” says principal dancer Janie Taylor. “So I’m like, ‘Well, I’ll just make it.’” Fortunately, Taylor knows her way around a sewing machine, turning up in a solid turquoise leotard with ruched shoulders, one of her original creations. Trends amongst NYCB dancers vary, with some opting to wear “trunks” (briefs worn under leotards during performances) and a t-shirt while others grab a pair of scissors to cut a bra-top out of a pair of tights. Then, of course, most of the ladies in rehearsal wear their footless tights over
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A lot of times I think of something I want to wear, and I don’t have it or it doesn’t exist,” says principal dancer Janie Taylor. “So I’m like, ‘Well, I’ll just make it.’” their leotards with the ends rolled up above their ankles because it “feels more casual,” says Peck. These nuances are just some of the ways ballet dancers can express their style in a week packed with up to seven performances and six-hour-a-day rehearsals. Often times, the outfits they wear to and from work only see the light of day during their brief commutes to Lincoln Center. So where does that
Principal dancer Janie Taylor in a turquoise leotard she made herself.
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leave their personal style? “When you know you’re going to walk for five minutes and then take everything off again, it just kind of puts a damper on it,” Taylor admits. It may be easy to feel discouraged, but Taylor goes for bright pops of color, bold accessories and layers when she’s off duty — hardly the look of a woman who’s been defeated in the fashion department. In fact, it seems like the dancers’ rigid style schedule has only served as motivation to amp it up when they’re not performing or in rehearsal. “I find a difference now
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in how I dress when I’m not working,” Smith says. “I put a little bit more time and effort.” Though she prefers flats, Smith has her goto heels for when December rolls around and her calves are “blown out” from performing Balanchine’s The Nutcracker for weeks on end: J. Crew’s wedges. “The plastic from the wedge absorbs your shock when you’re walking,” she says. “It gives your calves a break. And it’s cute.” These ladies may not fit the mold of your archetypal, prissy ballerina, but they’re sure unique and they definitely have style. Something tells us Balanchine would be proud.
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“I’m very scissorhappy when it comes to what I wear at work,” says Gretchen Smith, a corps de ballet dancer.
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How Your Smartphone Is Harming Your Health
ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARTIN GEE
BY CAROLYN GREGOIRE
Are you and your smartphone inseparable? If so, you’re not alone — plenty of research illustrates how increasingly addicted we’re becoming to our mobile devices, including one survey showing that 66 percent of people are actually afraid to lose or be separated from their cell phones. And if rising rates of sleep texting aren’t enough to signal our addiction to our cell phones, we don’t know what is. To the right, find out how excessive smartphone use could be messing with your physical and mental well-being.
THE THIRD METRIC
TEXT CLAW
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Do you find yourself with soreness or cramping in your wrist and fingers? It could be a nonmedical term called “text claw.” Repetitive fine motor activity — including that from texting, playing too much Candy Crush, etc. — can exacerbate conditions like tendinitis, and can cause wrist and forearm pain.
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Introducing America’s Favorite Vodka BY KRISTEN AIKEN
ESPITE VODKA being the No. 1 selling spirit in America, we’re convinced the majority of its fans are eating their meals in dining halls and walking around in pajama pants. Vodka isn’t exactly a darling of the mixology community, but in terms of overall popularity, the numbers speak for themselves. Last year, a consumer study revealed the five vodkas preferred by American consumers, listing Grey Goose as the favorite. The study
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PHOTOGRAPHS BY WENDY GEORGE
is in direct conflict with a 2005 New York Times blind tasting of 21 world-class vodkas, which ranked Smirnoff the “hands-down favorite.” So of course, we had to put those top-5 finishers to the test. We polled our newsroom to find both vodka lovers and haters. We discovered the vast majority abhors vodka, but there were a few vodka lovers (who ... happened to be young females). So... did our results align with America’s? Find out ahead.
As always, this taste test is in no way sponsored or influenced by the brands included.
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TASTE TEST
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TAP FOR THE TASTERS’ VERDICTS
STOLICHNAYA (STOLI)
KETEL ONE
ABSOLUT
GREY GOOSE
SMIRNOFF
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MUSIC
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Dog Ears: Born in December In which we spotlight music from a diversity of genres and decades, lending an insider’s ear to what deserves to be heard. BY THE EVERLASTING PHIL RAMONE AND DANIELLE EVIN
EARL “FATHA” HINES MARIANNE FAITHFULL JOAN ARMATRADING Jazz pianist, bandleader, and composer Earl “Fatha” Hines was born near Pittsburgh in 1903 into a musical family. His early professional life began in the 1920s when he moved to Chicago and befriended Louis Armstrong. A breakthrough year came for Hines in 1928, when he was composing, recording and working with Armstrong and debuting his first big band at the Grand Terrace ballroom (co-owned by Al Capone). By 1940, Billy Eckstine became the band’s crooner, and joining later were legends Dizzy Gillespie and Charlie Parker. Hines’ piano style was likened to that of a trumpet. The maestro died in 1983 and leaves behind the eternal classic 1942 No. 1 Hines/Eckstine hit “Stormy Monday Blues,” from the Earl Hines Masterpieces collection. BUY: iTunes.com GENRE: Jazz ARTIST: Earl “Fatha” Hines SONG: Stormy Monday Blues ALBUM: Earl Hines Masterpieces
’60s icon/“it” girl and songwriter and performer Marianne Faithfull was born into an aristocratic English-Austrian family in postwar-era Britain. Faithfull’s early career began on the coffeehouse circuit, and she started recording pop hits amidst the heyday of the British Invasion. After surviving a stormy stretch of the ’70s, she emerged as a New Wave diva at the precipice of the ’80s. Faithfull’s issued scores of albums through to the aughts as well as marking film and stage credits, netting a loyal following among rock ’n’ roll nobility as an adored muse and inspiration. Her collaborations include Angelo Badalamenti, Daniel Lanois, Mick Jagger, Jack Bruce, the Vienna Radio Symphony, Billy Corgan, Beck, PJ Harvey, Jon Brion and Tom Waits. Revisit Faithfull’s delicate and haunting “Tomorrow’s Calling,” from Marianne Faithfull’s Greatest Hits.
Singer/songwriter and guitarist Joan Armatrading is one of our most compelling 20th-century soundmakers. The West Indian native, born in 1950, grew up in England from the age of 7. By 20, she launched her career on the London stage in the musicalHair. In 1972, she signed her first record deal, and by 1975, she signed with A&M Records and later became the first British female artist to debut at No. 1 on the Billboard blues charts. Her collaborations include Glyn Johns, Steve Lillywhite, Sly and Robbie, The Faces, Thomas Dolby, and Chris Wood. Accolades for Armatrading, a three-time Grammy nominee, include the Ivor Novello Award and countless platinum, gold, and silver records. Armatrading continues to record and is currently conducting her farewell tour. The title “The Weakness in Me,” from her 1981 album Walk Under Ladders, is heart-wrenching perfection.
BUY: iTunes.com GENRE: Rock ARTIST: Marianne Faithfull SONG: Tomorrow’s Calling ALBUM: Marianne Faithfull’s Greatest Hits
BUY: iTunes.com GENRE: Folk/Rock ARTIST: Joan Armatrading SONG: The Weakness in Me ALBUM: Walk Under Ladders
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MUSIC
ELLIOTT CARTER
BIG MAMA THORNTON MARIA CALLAS
Elliott Carter, one of the greatest modern classical composers, was born in New York City in 1908. The young Elliott went to New York’s Horace Mann School and was mentored by composer Charles Ives. After attending Harvard, where he earned a master’s in music, Carter arrived in Paris nearing 1933, just as conflagration was about to consume Europe. As the streets sadly teemed with Nazi refugees, Carter studied with the legendary Nadia Boulanger, eventually returning to New York to teach and compose. In 1960, after first gaining world renown, he was honored at home with the Pulitzer Prize for his string quartets. His many awards include the Gold Medal for Music from the National Institute of Arts and Letters, the National Medal of Arts, and a second Pulitzer. The maestro, who said his music was born from jazz, composed until his passing in 2012. Remember him with “Cello Sonata: III. Adagio,” performed by Chicago Pro Musica, from the 2005 album Elliott Carter: Early Chamber Music, an excellent introduction to this titan.
Blues singer, drummer, and harmonica player Big Mama Thornton was born Willie Mae Thornton in Montgomery, Alabama, in December 1926, to a minister father and gospel-singing mother, one of seven children. Even as a teen, Willie Mae was large in brilliance and stature, standing nearly six feet tall. At the age of 14, she lost her mother and had to join the workforce. Later that same year, she won a singing contest and soon left home for a musical career, making her bones on the road. In 1951, Thornton signed her first record contract and by 1953 enjoyed her first hit with Leiber and Stoller’s legendary title “Hound Dog.” By the ’60s, after recording dozens of sides, her star began to wane. However, Janis Joplin’s cover of Thornton’s “Ball and Chain” in 1968 was a welcome triumph. By the ’70s, hard living started to take its toll on Thornton’s health. In July of 1984, she suffered a heart attack and was found dead in her California boarding house. Thornton’s accolades include the 1979 San Francisco Blues Festival Award and induction into the Blues Foundation’s Hall of Fame. Her collaborations include Johnny Otis, Sammy Green, Junior Parker and Muddy Waters. Thornton’s original 1953 version of the so famously Elvised “Hound Dog,” from the collection Women Blues Singers (1928-1969), has all the markings of her early greatness.
BUY: iTunes.com GENRE: Classical ARTIST: Elliott Carter SONG: Cello Sonata: III. Adagio ALBUM: Elliott Carter: Early Chamber Music
BUY: iTunes.com GENRE: Blues ARTIST: Big Mama Thornton SONG: Hound Dog ALBUM: Women Blues Singers (1928-1969)
Soprano magnetar Maria Callas was born Maria Anna Sophie Cecilia Kalogeropoulos in New York City in December 1923, the youngest of three. Her childhood was plagued with feelings of great inferiority, with the exception of her voice. “My sister was slim and beautiful and friendly, and my mother always preferred her. I was the ugly duckling, fat and clumsy and unpopular. It is a cruel thing to make a child feel ugly and unwanted,” she told Time magazine in 1956. Callas made her professional debut in Greece in 1941, but did not make her first Italian opera appearance until 1951. A true diva, Callas became notorious for walking out on performances, and it was said that if you wanted to see a full show, you should show up to a rehearsal. The cause of her death in 1977 at the age of 53 remains a mystery to this day. With scores of Callas treasures to collect, revisit the ever-stunning Giacomo Puccini masterpiece “Turandot–Act 3: Tu Che Di Gel Sei Cinta” (1954). BUY: iTunes.com GENRE: Opera ARTIST: Maria Callas SONG: Turandot–Act 3: Tu Che Di Gel Sei Cinta ALBUM: Maria Callas
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MARK EVANS/GETTY IMAGES (SLAVE); MALERAPASO/GETTY IMAGES (SAVINGS ACCOUNT); TOM HAHN/GETTY IMAGES (MILK); SASHA RADOSAVLJEVIC/GETTY IMAGES (DANDELION); WKMG (AFRICAN-AMERICAN GIRL)
Georgia Court Lists ‘Slave’ As Occupation on Questionnaire
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Banks Threaten to Charge You for Having a Savings Account
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YOU COULD SOON BE PAYING $7 FOR A GALLON OF MILK
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AfricanAmerican Girl Faces Expulsion Over Her Natural Hair
05 Doctors Find a Dandelion Growing Inside a Girl’s Ear
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PAPER BOAT CREATIVE GETTY IMAGES (TRUST); ANGELIKA SCHWARZ/GETTY IMAGES (WINE); AP PHOTO/JIM BOURG, POOL (KILLER NANNY); GETTY IMAGES/FUSE (SNIFFING CLOTHES); WILLIAM DAVIES/GETTY IMAGES (ELEPHANTS)
Americans Don’t Trust Each Other Anymore, Apparently
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What Do White Wine, Beer and Brussel Sprouts Have in Common? They’re Sources of Arsenic.
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‘KILLER NANNY’ IS EXPECTING A BABY OF HER OWN
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Houstonians Are Sniffing Clothes to Find Dates
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One in Five African Elephants Faces Slaughter
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