‘We Report, You Decry!’

DeSantis: ‘War on Woke’ Misunderstood, ‘My War is on the Word Itself’

By James Israel

Florida Governor DeSantis says his so-called “War on Woke” is actually a war is on the word “woke,” not an ideology.

In a press conference today, DeSantis aimed to clear up misconceptions. “Everyone thinks it’s some liberal ideology I’m fighting,” he said. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. My war is on the word itself. ‘Woke,’ such an ugly, mean word!”

“Now don’t get me wrong,” DeSantis added, “I like it when people are asleep, not awake. It makes it much easier to pass draconian laws, and to disguise my new, soft fascism as just a folksy populism bent on enforcing good ol’ fundamentalist religious views.”

Renowned Sensitivity Expert: Everything Ever Written is Offensive to Someone and Should Be Rewritten

By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

On the heels of books from Dr. Seuss to James Bond novels being purged of any offensive content and being rewritten, the world’s most renowned sensitivity expert says that everything ever written should be purged and rewritten.

A white orb was discovered in the skies of Montana and was first thought to be a another Chinese spy device, but it turned out to be a disgruntled birthday balloon that escaped yet another gathering of family and friends singing the Anglo Saxon version of “Happy Birthday.”

When asked to elaborate, the balloon appeared deflated and explained, “As soon as I heard the first monotone uttering of the words ‘happy birthday,’I up and bounced. I didn’t even stay to see the 10 year old boy blow out the gold candles on his Roblox birthday cake.”

Multiple reporters inquired as to why the popular version of the song bothers the balloon so much. Upon hearing this question, the party balloon, purchased from a Montana Family Dollar yet labeled by detractors a Communist China spy, became embittered and responded angrily, “Has no one of light complexion ever heard the Stevie Wonder version?!”

Surgeon General’s Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming

The Surgeon General warned citizens about the political satire magazine the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting the habitually pessimistic.

“Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much,” he said.

(Ed: A subscription form is on page 3, for the brave. But please, subscribe responsibly!)

“But that word! Just look at the W, it’s an upside down M, for ‘mean,’ get it?! Followed by an O, which is just a tunnel down into the dark. Once you enter that tunnel, the door is slammed shut on you and you’re trapped in Wokeville The door? It’s the K, of course! It’s got a handle, it’s got that flat part, c’mon, it’s a door!

DeSantis “woke” in a mental health hospital?

“Then we come to the most evil letter of all, the E. E for ‘evil,’ right? It’s so obvious, why doesn’t anybody else get it?

“So, all of this is why I keep saying the word over and over again. My war is on the word ‘woke’ itself! I say we ship it to a deserted island and nuke it!”

After the press conference, another door slammed on the governor. It was to a padded room in the Tallahassee Mental Health Center.

Tucker Carlson Exposes More Media Lies

Other “lamestream media” lies that Tucker Carlson says need correcting.

By William Vaillancourt

Tucker Carlson recently aired U.S. Capitol security footage from the Jan. 6 insurrection that House Speaker Kevin McCarthy gave him, at one point showing tape of Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) fleeing from rioters.

Yet the clip is one of many “media lies,” according to the Fox News host, because Hawley wasn’t the only one seen running.

Here are some more important exposés planned by Tucker Carlson for his show:

Banana bread that contains ingredients besides bananas

• Four-wheel-drive automobiles that go in reverse

• Books with page numbers that don’t take into account Roman numerals in the beginning

• The moon, whenever it’s not full

• A child’s sandcastle that has a bit of seaweed in it

• Apartments and condominiums named

Penniless Donald Trump Assigned Public Defender in Stripper Case

By Eric Green

As the TV ad goes, if you’ve got a phone, you’ve got a lawyer. Donald Trump has a phone, but can only afford a public defender.

Having reportedly run out money to hire grossly expensive legal talent, ex-President Donald Trump has been assigned a public defender in his case involving former stripper Stormy Daniels.

The public defender, Johnny Cockatoo, 28, is regarded as an up-and-coming attorney after failing the law bar examination only three times before finally passing.

Trump is said to have gone broke after paying a galaxy of attorney hundreds of millions of dollars in legal fees to represent him in numerous lawsuits filed against him. Some of these attorneys claim Trump ‘stiffed” them in never paying for their legal work.

Trump called that charge “BS, a gross lie. I’m the most honest, reputable person you’ll ever find anywhere. Ask my daughter Ivanka.” Trump said.

“By the way,” Trump added, “I’m not really broke, despite what you hear from the fake lamestream media, okay? I still got tons of money. My people are just consolidating my portfolio.”

For his part, Cockatoo says he’s nothing like the public defender that was comically por- trayed in the film, My Cousin Vinny. That public defender’s shaky nerves and severe stutter didn’t exactly help his defendant’s case after he was accused of murder.

Cockatoo maintained he’s a good lawyer, and that the judge in one of his cases was prejudiced against him. The judge didn’t like long-haired men, like Cockatoo, who wore an ill-fitting suit, as did the lawyer in the movie featuring “Vinny” LaGuardia Gambini

“We public defenders may not be the richest people in the work, but we do this work because we believe in it,” said Cockatoo.

“The truth is I’m a great lawyer, ask anybody and they’ll tell you that.”

“Mr. Trump need not worry,” said Cockatoo. “I’ll give it all I got. If he loses, he loses. Won’t be the end of the world. At least for me.”

In a social media post, Trump called the trial “a continuation of the greatest witch hunt of all time,” adding, “NEVER HAD AN AFFAIR.”

Cockatoo said he’s already got a brilliant defense plan worked out for the ex-president, which he will reveal when the case goes to trial.

“I’m not at liberty to discuss my strategy, but rest assured, Mr. Trump will like it.”

And if he doesn’t, Cockatoo added, “he can always go try to find another lawyer. But good luck trying to find one better than me, okay?”

“Mountainview” from which one can see some combination of field, forest, river, and more than one mountain

• Guitarists who use their thumb while playing fingerstyle

• Ski resorts that welcome snowboarders, tubers, and anyone who just wants to hang out by the lodge with a hot chocolate

• About Schmidt when we learn about characters not named Schmidt

• Google Maps street view when used on roads, avenues, lanes, and highways

Southwest Airlines flights from Chicago to Albany

• Dinner parties where hors d’oeuvres are offered before dinner

• The number Pi when written as 3.14 rather than to its 100th decimal

• Gas stations that sell a variety of food and drink Boston University buildings with addresses in Brookline

Doctor Ibeeze Fuller-Crappe, head of the Fumbeldunckt Center for Anti-Artificial Illiteracy, states that even the smallest piece of literature in the modern culture is objectionable to someone.

He stated, “‘Jack and Jill went up the hill’ seems hateful to hill-challenged people and those who are pail-less. The Christian Bible should be rewritten, as it offends Roman Soldiers, Philistines, persons named Judas, snakes and the section of the world’s population that are Pontius.”

He continued, “Paradise Lost is offensive to souls who live in hell… Uncle Tom’s Cabin is objectionable to slave owners… Forbes Magazine seems outrageous to people who are broke. Shakespeare puts off people who are allergic to olde English, and Mother Goose offends other maternal fowl.”

Doctor Fuller-Crappe stated that the only material he has found that is not offensive are scripts for the 1950’s TV series “The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet.” He further stated that the Humor Times magazine is repulsive to people who have no sense of humor and politicians everywhere. (Ed. note: for that, we are truly sorry.)

Ripping the Headlines Today

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Las Vegas Strip has an unexpected cannabis problem

My guess, they’re getting clobbered at the all you can eat buffets ...

DeSantis administration revokes Hyatt Regency Miami alcohol license after it hosted “A Drag Queen Christmas” Really, what’s more Christmasy for some then ‘donning their Gay Apparel.’ Submarine with 2 bodies, 3 tons of cocaine seized in the Pacific Ocean

... In three, two, one ... Cocaine Sharknado. More than 30-50 feral Canadian hybrid ‘super pigs’ reportedly headed towards USA Hey, Joe Biden, build a wall and make ‘Honey Baked’ pay for it.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Which is Irish for Cinco de Mayo.

Texas school official casually left gun in third grade bathroom stalls

In fairness, maybe it was just a Godfather reenactment gone terribly wrong ...

Tom Brady considering another comeback ... but that’s probably just the Metamucil talking.

Tiger Woods denies having ‘oral tenancy agreement’ with ex Erica Herman amid messy lawsuit Minds out of the gutter, people.

Tucker Carlson: ‘I hate Trump passionately’ If you think that’s bad,you should’ve heard it in the original Russian.

What banking crisis?

Warren Buffett spends close to $500 million on Occidental stock in 3 days

Or, in technical terms, ‘Fill ‘er up!’

Elon Musk is reportedly building his own town in Texas

To be called Muskow, Texas.

Oscar nominated songwriter Tems goes viral after blocking audience’s view at the Oscars with huge gown and wedding veil

If there was justice Kareem Abdul Jabbar will be sitting in front of Tems ... Forever.

George Santos continues to have no committee assignments

So, he can concentrate on defending his Indy 500 title.

A massive seaweed blob is headed to Florida — rotten stench included – Sun Sentinel … And then to NY to be indicted ... Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.