Your Colleges, My Opinions Dear Representative Bladen

By Georgia Goldberg

University of Chicago: Was four years at Harvard-Westlake not enough? Jesus Christ.

Yale University: Where are you going to school?

Oh, in New Haven? How cool and subtle of you to not say Yale.

New York University: If I hear the city is your campus one more time…

University of Colorado Boulder: No one from Harvard-Westlake is going. Perhaps those interested were too stoned to meet the deadline.

École Hôtelière de Lausanne: I love you Allegra!

Stanford University: Apparently, Computer Science is a requirement there. Who knew?

Cornell University: Welcome to Ithaca, the city that never sleeps!

Brown University: Incredible! Perfect! A 10/10! On a totally unrelated note, does anyone know if the wait list is still active? Asking for a friend...

Northwestern University: Battle-tested journalists only.

Harvard University: The new University of Chicago (refer to overheard_ hw on Instagram for more information).

Wesleyan University: A truly incredible education with a side of lung cancer.

Colgate University: Obligatory toothpaste joke.

Boston University: “You don’t need to study –– you go to BU.”

Washington University in St. Louis: The Harvard of St. Louis.

Columbia University: Hey, remember when you guys lied about your statistics? Laugh out loud!

Southern Methodist University: They don’t check your GPA –– they check your tax bracket.

[This joke has been written by Becca Berlin]

University of California, Berkeley: If you have a 4.0 just say it.

University of California, Los Angeles: Getting some much needed distance from your family, huh?

University of Pennsylvania: Okay it may be a good school but it has the WORST alumni.

I mean, Donald Trump, Elon Musk, my parents…

University of Michigan: Wow, really seeming to Mich out on a lot of qualified candidates. [This joke has been written by a sophomore.]

Princeton University: Ew, New Jersey? Really?

Georgetown University: Jewish girl in a Jesuit world.

Courageous Crossword Answers

By Davis Marks

Dear Representative Bladen, Congratulations on your election to the Studio City Neighborhood Council. It was a fierce race with zero competition. You didn’t even need to have any runoff elections, unlike our dearest Prefects. We know your compassionate and strong leadership will benefit the community. Now that we have a close relationship with someone in power, we have a few constituent requests:

1. Convince Studio City local newspapers to join HW Media. The Chronicle joining HW Media next school year is just the first step in your path towards journalistic imperialism.

2. Threaten to evict Erewhon unless they give us a student discount. Those smoothies are expensive, and our journalistic thirst must be quenched.

3. Work on creating public transportation from the North Gate to Ralphs. Our sophomore writers have told us their legs are tired from us forcing them to walk to Ralphs to buy us snacks.

5. Slow down the River Park approval process. Whenever we don’t have ideas for the Community News section, we just write about River Park. River Park’s completion would harm us.

6. We noticed that Studio City does not have an official motto. We think it is time for this to change. How does “Transparency, Accuracy, Objectiv ity” sound?

7. Use your ex ecutive authority over Studio City to ask Jackson to let us park next to Weiler Hall. Walk ing from the Senior Lot makes us tired, and journalists need to be fired up and passionate.

8. Ask Studio City residents to call Mendocino Farms by its government name. You’re going to Mendocino Farms, not “Mendo.”

9. Force Staples to give us a free printer. Right now, only Assistant A&E Editor Kriste An can print from her laptop, and she is tired.

10. Connect us with a local odor removal business. The Sports Room smells absolutely rancid on this Saturday afternoon. If you’re curious what “rancid” means, we can only describe it as a mixture of sweet, sour, cheesy, tangy, spicy, organic

We look forward to seeing how you serve our community. We believe in purpose beyond ourselves, so we hope our requests to better the Studio City community