(Above Picture: Reves, J. (2008) Together_Explored)
In the movies, the strong tough man always gets the girl. On the Internet, ads say things like “Get ripped in only 7 days with our revolutionary new technique!” Don’t forget to mention there’s a photoshopped picture of a Hulk looking guy whose arms probably weigh 66 pounds each. And in music, they sing about having lots of money and bling, a sports car and a big house. They sing about partying with girls and doing drugs.
In the media’s perspective, to get a girl you have to be impressive; you have to have money and you have to look and act cool. The media tells you what is cool and what is not. It makes you want to look a certain way in order to impress others, and at times makes you ashamed of your physical image. I guess the media does influence dating in the real world. Depending on your appearance, you try to go for girls you think you can get because of how you look, not because of your intellect or skills. Or you always go for the prettiest girl you see. Yeah, she might be dumb, ignorant, or short-minded, but her face and body are perfect to your extent. When dating, it seems that the media tells you to focus on being a good kisser and spending a lot of money on someone you like. The boy goes on a date with the girl. At the end of the date they kiss, but that leads to other things like making out and
the next thing you know the girl is pregnant or maybe not, if they’re lucky. The sexual interactions are mostly what drive the teenage boy to a girl because they think of it to be the most important thing even while lacking education on the topic. The media plays a big roll in the way boys and girls treat each other. But after all we are just human and love is bound to influence us in many ways. Why should someone only love you for your kissing skills or money and not your passions, your talents and your heart? I think having a relationship with a girl is like having a closer, more intimate friend, someone that you feel good being near, someone to share thoughts and ideas with. That’s what dating is to me. It’s about finding that person you want to be with. Written By: Kain X Age 14
"Most young people have sex for the first time at about age 17, but do not marry until their middle or late 20s. This means that young adults are at risk of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) for nearly a decade." Cited from Relationships Matter, http://www.canyourel8.com/statistics)
Healthy Relationships vs.
Components of an Unhealthy Relationship One of you feels...
Unhealthy Relationships
• You have to change to please your partner
Components of a Healthy Relationship
• You have to justify your actions to the other, where you go and who you see
Both partners....
• A lack of personal space and/or is isolated from others
• Respect each other's feelings, bodies, needs and individuality • Are honest and responsible about their feelings and actions • Listen to each other's needs and desires, respectfully and compassionately • Have their own hobbies and can visit with family and friends freely • Discuss and compromise on decisions that affect both parties • Grow and learn more about each other and explore life
• Your partner doesn't listen to you and shuts you down • Your partner blames you for everything that goes wrong • Your partner is verbally and/or physically abusive • Like you are trapped
together
Domestic Violence Resource Center. (2013). Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships. Retrieved from: http://www.dvrcor.org/domestic/violence/resources/C67/
Skimming the Surface and Looking Deeper You meet someone you really like. You wish to get to know them, if you aim to go in that direction. Maybe it’s just a physical thing and that’s all you wish to share with them. It’s okay. It happens on TV all the time. Either way, you have to express what you want from that person and convince them why they should give it to you. You have to impress them. You have to look the right way and have the right stuff. That person might just be the one for that night or that week, maybe a month or two if they can really keep you interested. Sure, you might be risking an STD or an unplanned pregnancy, but you have needs and that only happens to other people anyway, not you. No need to be paranoid about it. The aim of dating is not always finding a longterm partner. It’s just another form of entertainment like television and video games.
In the media, dating is a game people play. How much and how many, it’s a tally. They’re keeping score and letting their friends know. And yes, scoring seems to be the sole aim at times. Being sexually intimate with a stranger is no longer taboo. As long as you are getting what you want; that’s what matters. Continued on next page...
Continued from last page...
What kind of man is worthy of your elaborate attention? The cool guy with the shiny car and the fly pad, of course; the one with the gold rings and all that money to buy you things with. In order to get a man that will pamper you superficially, you have to look like that goddess in the magazines and music videos. Superficial aims need to be superficially fed. The closer you look like that, the more men you’ll have to lavish your every want and desire. For some, dating’s aim is no longer finding a lifelong partner, but a short-term playmate. Why bother with all the emotional stuff of a long-term relationship when you can switch mates as you please-no commitment needed?
(Above Picture: Flake, R. (2010) Couple Holding Hands
Where are we getting these ideas if not from the media? It’s not our churches or spiritual leaders. It’s not them telling us to objectify each other, please the flesh not the soul. It’s not our parents or our teachers, or at least most times it is not. Why does the media tell us that being sexy is so important? In a highly sexualized society being sexy is highly valued. In order to get the attention that both men and women yearn from the opposite sex, we must show our sexiness. And what is sexy anyway? Well, whatever the media tells us it is. One year its red lips, the next year its pale lips. One summer its fat heeled shoes, the next its stilettos. The ideal woman gets skinnier and skinnier. Her breast get bigger and at one point so did her booty. Some women go through all lengths to reach that ideal. They want to be wanted. Who doesn’t? The puffy lips, the big breast, the skinny waist is what they say is going to get you a date. So that is what you aim for.
But dating can still be valued and valuable if we see it for what it is. There is something magical about the freshest of a new possibility. Dating can bring many experiences that help us determine what kind of person we share our life with. It is a process that takes time. It can bring friendships too. One failed relationship can help us learn how to be better partners in another. Learning about the opposite sex, can be an enlightening experience that can help us grow as individuals. If we truly wish to learn about each other and ourselves, we must stop paying attention to what the media tells us is important and look deeper. Even when our aim is to find the one, we will not find the one in one date, or two or even three. We might need to go on many dates with several people before we figure out what kind of partner we truly want. A relationship between a man and a woman, when not highly influenced by the media, can be both mysterious yet captivating, straining yet nourishing. Even when relationships get difficult, you can still learn and grow from that experience. You can minimize what you
want and don’t want in a long-term partner. And we do not have to rush into dating right away. There is no age when we have to start. It is all up to the individual person. Finding out who you are first is important because how are you to share your true self with someone else if you do not know who you are first? Written By: Mothermoon (Teen Parent)
Love Speaks Out is a program that educates youth about dating violence in Charlotte, NC. I AM not the MEdia had the pleasure to interview Melissa Seigel, Program Coordinator of Love Speaks Out, about the influence the media has on teen dating. Check out the interview!
I AM not the MEdia: How do you feel the media impacts teen dating/relationships? Melissa: The media impacts teen dating and relationships in many significant ways. Often teens look to the media and their peers to model relationships, dating and gender roles. Teens take in what they see in the media as normal and attempt to form relationships that model what they see. This often leads to
relationships that are not healthy because media predominantly portrays unhealthy and even abusive relationships. For example, media also portrays very rigid gender roles which teens may also imitate causing them to feel uncomfortable in their relationships or keep them from exploring their full identity. Teens may feel limited in who they can be and what they can have in a relationship because of what they see in the media. This can lead to unhealthy and uncomfortable relationships for them. Absolutely! I believe that being able to understand and consciously think about what we are consuming can contribute to everyone having healthier relationships. I think teens can especially benefit from media literacy because they are at a point where they are forming their identity and really learning what they do and don't want in relationships. IANTM: Through your experience, do you think that the media influences abuse in relationships? How? Melissa: I think that media can normalize abusive behaviors. It can make teens think
that behaviors that are abusive are normal, that everyone does them. For example, in the popular movie series twilight, Edward shows clear stalking behaviors yet they are portrayed in a way that is shown as normal even affectionate. The media also blames the victim for being abused rather than the abuser who perpetrates the abuse. Just watching the news coverage (and lack of coverage) of dating violence, sexual assault, and rape cases can influence how teens think about and act in their own relationships. IANTM: How has the media affected your perspective of dating? Melissa: When I was in middle and high school, I looked to the media to show me how to be in a relationship. I saw that women in the media were submissive to their partners who were always men. I saw that relationships were full of arguing and jealousy. I learned from the media that jealousy meant that he truly loved me and stalking can be romantic. The media taught me about relationships but not in a way that was positive for my dating relationships.
What is dating to you? Create and share your image in the art medium of your choosing (photo, painting, sculpture, poem, song, etc.). A prize will be awarded for the best interpretation. Deadline for all entries entries is February 20th. Entries can be emailed to I AM not the MEdia directly at mail@iamnotthemedia.org. The winner will be announced in next month’s newsletter.
I AM not the MEdia brings a “New Edge” to Programming! The goal of our programs is to teach teens “ME-Control,” which is defined as the ability to make conscious decisions that is not influenced by the media or negative social norms. This month we are focusing on the importance of Healthy Relationships through our programming. Some of our programs that focus on this channel in our curriculum are highlighted in the flyer on the left. If you are a community agency or organization that serves teens, consider requesting I AM not the MEdia to come to your site and host a FREE program!
How to request a program? Visit us online at www.iamnotthemedia.org and click on PROGRAMS. Look for the link that says OUTREACH PROGRAMS. You will find a downloadable copy of our Program Guide which has all of our available programs listed. Use the program to find descriptions on specific program. Once you have selected your program, send a request through the request form on the bottom page of our website. Please be sure to include the program request date, your group size, time and location of the program requested. Program requests can also be submitted via email at: mail@iamnotthemedia.org.
How to confirm your program? Once a request has been submitted, a representative from the organization will contact you via email or phone to confirm your request. Check our Organization Calendar on our website to confirm your program date and time.
Are you an adult 18 or older and passionate about empowering youth? Become a Program Specialist with I AM not the MEdia! Our organization has volunteer opportunities for Program Specialists to join our dynamic team! We are looking for adults that share the same passion as our mission to empower youth. Although this is not a paid position, the benefits of being a Program Specialist is rewarding in numerous ways. Program Specialists are trained to conduct and implement our curriculum with teens and youth in the community. Adults that are interested may submit their resume via email at: mail@iamnotthemedia.org.